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Technique Number One. Assume Control.

I want you to project an image of self-confidence without being hostile. Give directions instead of making requests. Establish and maintain your parental rights to the same decent treatment that you give your kids. The kind of information that I want you to give your kids when you’re assuming control is simple direction.

For instance, if your kid is supposed to be in his room doing his homework and he’s down in the basement, the question to ask him is, “Where are you supposed to be?”  And if he says, “In my room,” the response is, “Go there.”  Not, “Why aren’t you there already? Why are you out of your room?”  Just “Where are you supposed to be?  Go there.  What are you supposed to be doing right now?  Do it.”  Very simple statements that give an air that you’re in control.

You don’t justify yourself. You don’t explain yourself. You don’t ask your kid for an explanation. Because I’ll be honest with you…we ask kids why, and then when they tell us, we say it sounds like an excuse.  We don’t ask kids for excuses.  If we don’t ask them for excuses, there’s a good chance we won’t get excuses.  You know, attitude is a funny thing.  Part of what shapes attitude are perceptions and expectations.  And that’s very important for a parent to understand.  That this kid has expectations of you and he has certain perceptions of you and himself.  When you say to a child, “I want you to go to bed now,” what you’re starting to do is you’re affecting his expectation of who’s in control.

If you sound like you’re in control and you’re the parent, you’re on your way to being in control. You know, part of the thing is that these kids train us. Acting out kids train their parents to talk to them in a tiptoe-around-me way. Acting out kids train their parents to give in to them. Acting out kids train their parents to be afraid of them, and so they train their parents not to assume control. Not to do direct statements. And so the perception of the kid is they have a bad attitude. But what does that really mean? It means that the kid perceives himself as in control and entitled to things that he’s not, without earning them. And he has expectations of how things are going to go. One of those expectations is, “I’m going to get my way. It’s going to go my way.” When a parent assumes control, what that says to the kid is, I [the parent] am in control now. Your posture has to begin the change process. 

Change starts with the parent and then goes to the child. Just change your tone to a very frank, businesslike tone and tell him what he’s supposed to be doing. Go to your room and start doing your homework and then turn around and walk away.