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Articles
Does Your Child Say This?
"I forgot."
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Is your child’s answer to everything, “I forgot?” The fact of the matter is, sometimes children do forget, and certainly a reminder from the parent to do their work or complete a task is appropriate. But when kids use “I forgot” on a regular basis, it becomes a way to justify irresponsible behavior. As an excuse, “I forgot” means the child is avoiding a certain task or responsibility which they don’t feel they can perform and don’t know how to get help with. Or it could be because they’re being lazy and don’t care about it. Laziness causes as much irresponsible behavior on the part of children as any other explanation. Sometimes laziness can be interpreted as “I’m tired and I don’t feel like it.” Sometimes laziness can be interpreted as “My life’s not going to get better anyway, why should I try?” In either case, laziness doesn’t empower the child to take care of business.
So when your child says “I forgot,” you have to say, “Forgetting is not an excuse to justify not doing something.”

Child: “I forgot!”

Translation: “I don’t feel like it.” Or ”Why should I try?”

Ineffective response: You didn’t forget! You’re just saying that because you’re lazy.”

Effective response: “Not forgetting is your responsibility. I’ll help you learn ways to not forget, such as creating an assignment book for school, or using cue cards to prompt you for the next task. If you’d like, I’ll help you develop a list. But you are responsible for remembering what it is you need to do.”

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    Empowering Parents is a weekly newsletter, online magazine and blog published by Legacy Publishing Company. Our goal is to empower people who parent by providing useful problem-solving techniques to parents and children. The views expressed in the articles on Empowering Parents represent the opinions of the authors and the experts quoted therein. Unfortunately, it’s not possible for us to respond to every question posted after an article on our website. Empowering Parents encourages its readers to participate by weighing in with suggestions and advice. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

    James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.



    READERS' COMMENTS

    This answer is so great! Are there more?!
     

    What do you do when your kid does not want to do any work in school? He is 11 years old and in the 4th grade.
     

    my daughter is 5 ,sometimes when i asked her about what she does in school today she says i do not know. or i cant remember is this normal?
     

    Good advise! Follow through with those age appropriate lists or even pictures to help them remember. I find that repetition is the key! It works well for my 8 year old ADHD Son.
     

    I will be changing my response to my kids' "I forgot". They need to learn how to help themselves remember...
     

    My 20 year old step son rarely "remembers" to clean up his room, or any of his few chores. He does go to school, but doesn't put his all into it. He does have a job, but has little ambition. He sits around during all his free time playing video games. This is a very bright and good looking kid who is absolutely lazy and unmotivated. My husband has threatened, I've explained, offered help, taken him to shrinks who gave him meds for his ADHD and depression. He is now off the meds and will be 21 in a few months. He's a sweet kid, but will he ever be a man able to take care of himself?
     

    My 11 yr old son "forgot" to do some schoolwork and got an F on the papers. I made him bring it home and complete it. He said what's the se i already got an F WHY DO IT. I told him it was his responsibility to complete his schoolwork when assigned. I forgot is not an acceptable reason. If I forgot to pay the cable bill there would be no TV. No car payment no car etc. He wasnt happy about it but he did it, I told him it was learning the schoolwork and by not doing it it would also put him behind the other kids in his class. The teachers & staff at school was pleased that i did this and told me they wished other parents used the same approach
     

    "I forgot", is my fifteen yr. olds favorite line that I am now fully equipt to respond to properly. It makes so much sence. Thanks
     

    I had a son who really did forget. Although he was superior visually, he was below average auditorily. So he really did forget if I told him to do something. So the way we dealt with it is that I wrote it down for him to see. I found this also seemed to help some of my other children. They tend to be more visual learners. If it was written he would actually remember. You are right though many times "I forgot" is laziness. So sometimes I would just "forget."
     

    To Heidi: Often when children say they don't want to do the work in school or home, there are other issues at work. How long has your child been unhappy with school work? Does he have a learning disability? Is his vision okay? Does he have difficulties with other students or with the teacher? Are there other stressors in his life? Often, when children go through difficulties, the school work may be the first reflection of something else going on.
     

    * Dear JP: We've had many parents write in who are in a similar situation with their child. There are a couple articles I'd like to direct you to on our website: Please check out "Rules, Boundaries and Older Children". Also, "Motivating the Unmotivated Child". Hope you find these articles helpful, and good luck!
     


     
     

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    * Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your
    statewide crisis hotline.



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