714
Shares

At Empowering Parents, we often hear from parents who feel frustrated at their teenager’s bad attitude and irresponsible behavior. Whether it’s doing well in school or keeping a job, some kids just don’t seem to care.

And many teens have what James Lehman, creator of The Total Transformation® child behavior program, calls a “dreamer” mentality. These dreamers believe that an exciting, high paying job will simply land in their laps. Therefore, good grades or a less-than-perfect job is seen as unnecessary.

The danger is that kids use this fantasy to justify ignoring their responsibilities. And parents get frustrated when they try to talk sense into a child who just won’t listen to reason. What kind of life will their child have if they can’t even listen to reason? If they can’t take life more seriously?

But your child may not be mature enough or willing to take this adult point of view. Which is why their attitude should not be your primary concern. Here’s what you should do instead.

Erica’s Story

My friend Erica describes what happened with her teenage son last year:

“Our 17-year-old has the worst attitude about school. He refuses to do any homework and says it’s stupid. He complains that it doesn’t have anything to do with the real world and that he doesn’t even need to go to school to get a good job. Instead, all he has to do is get ‘really good at video games’ because he believes he can get a high paying job ‘testing’ them without graduating from high school. When I tell him I don’t think this is going to happen, he rolls his eyes, looks at the ceiling, and lets out a big, over-dramatic sigh. He behaves as if I don’t understand what life is like today.”

Any attempt Erica makes to talk with him about school, getting a regular job, or even about concrete steps he might take to get one of those game testing jobs is met with the “adults don’t know anything” attitude.

“He has such a false sense of entitlement and a complete misunderstanding of reality. He has this idea that life is going to be so easy – no work, no schedules, no need to do anything he doesn’t want to. It drives me crazy to see him wasting his time when he should be focusing on school so that he can get into college and get a real job. His attitude is: ‘Why should I? I’m better than other people.’ How can I change his attitude and make him see reality?”

You Can’t Make Your Child Have a Better Attitude

If you are in the thick of this kind of power struggle with your teen, you are probably lecturing your child about the importance of hard work, responsibility, and a good attitude. And it probably isn’t working.

Here’s the truth: you can’t make your child have a better attitude. It can’t be forced. Your child’s attitude is up to your child. No matter how great, or how based in reality your argument is, you can’t force your child to think about the world the way that you do. You can’t make her adopt your experiences and your perspective.

Offer for FREE Empowering Parents Personal Parenting Plan

Teens will naturally have an apathetic or dismissive attitude about anything other than what immediately interests them. And when you focus on trying to change your child’s attitude, you’re setting yourself up for frustration.

Indeed, it’s a mistake to try to change your child’s attitude. It will only backfire. Instead, just focus on what you can control, and that’s to hold your child accountable for his or her responsibilities.

Focus On the Behavior, Not the Attitude

To be an empowered parent, you need to learn to ignore the apathetic, all-knowing attitude of your child and, instead, focus on your child’s behavior. Let your child know what is expected of him in your home, your rules, and the consequences if he doesn’t comply with the rules.

For example, if your middle school child says, “I hate English! Why should I do my homework—this is stupid!” You can say:

“I know you think your English assignment is stupid. You don’t have to like it, but you do need to finish it. You know the rules. No access to any electronics until your homework is completed.”

You will find that as your child’s behavior improves that his attitude will improve along with it.

Don’t Try to Force Your Child to “Want” Something

Don’t try to force your child to “want” to have good grades. Or to “want” to get a job. You simply can’t get your child to want something he doesn’t want. There are things you can do to influence him, though.

For example, if you pay for all your child’s expenses (phone, car, and entertainment) then he may not want a job. After all, he doesn’t need the money. But, when his entertainment funds are cut off, he may suddenly want that job after all, especially if he wants to have money to go out with his friends.

Whether he learns to like his job is unimportant at this point. The important thing is that he figures out that he needs to work to afford the things he wants.

Focus on Skill Building

As a parent, your best bet is to help your child learn the skills he needs to make his way in the world. Those skills are the same even if your child wants to do something you think is highly unlikely.

You never know, maybe your child will get a job as a video game tester. You don’t need to convince him that you are right and he is wrong.

Advertisement for Empowering Parents Total Transformation Online Package

Instead, focus on the behavior you would like to see change and ignore the attitude. Focus on getting your teen to meet his responsibilities in the here and now—homework, chores, curfew. Once he leaves your house, he is free to use the skills you’ve helped him learn.

Conclusion

For my friend Erica, change came when she and her husband told their son:

“You don’t have to like school. You don’t even need to agree with our version of reality. But you do need to comply with our rules while you’re living here. That means doing your homework, making decent grades, and getting a part-time job.”

They also assured their son that if he refused to comply with the house rules, he would experience consequences. To get things started, they told him he could not drive the family car until he’d filled out and dropped off three job applications.

Within a month, he’d taken a job at a local fast-food restaurant. Although he still insists that the adults don’t know anything, his parents feel much less helpless.

Remember, there’s a pay-out for focusing on your kid’s behavior and not his attitude: you’ll be teaching them one of the greatest lessons of all—how to be accountable in the real world.

Related content:
Motivating Underachievers: 9 Steps to Take When Your Child Says “I Don’t Care”

Empowering Parents Podcast:
Apple, Spotify

About

Megan Devine is a licensed clinical therapist, former Empowering Parents Parent Coach, speaker and writer. She is also the bonus-parent to a successfully launched young man. You can find more of her work at refugeingrief.com, where she advocates for new ways to live with grief.

Comments (36)
  • E73

    My son is 14 years old. We have set chores for him. His responsibility is to clean his room daily, wash the dishes and tidy the toilet. I feel I have to keep reminding him, when it comes to the weekend, that he needs to do the chores. He says he will do it when he will do it. Do I leave it at that and wait to see if he does it on Saturday and Sunday even ufvit gets to 7pm. Or is it not right to pester him midday and remind him again. He has am attitude if I remind him.

    Surely teenagers can change their attitude.

  • Em
    I read the article about dealing with teenage attitude and was so helpful. I have tried some out what you have said and it has helped alot with my son. However my daughter loves learning and cares about helping people and achieving her best grades. Her attitude is from findingMore everything that most people do annoying or cringeworthy. she hates school and most of the kids in the class as soon as somebody does something wrong she doesn't give them a second chance. She can't stand the girl drama and the negative comments. She wants to move schools but I am not sure this is the answer as I think it will be more of the same. How do I help her be less angry,more tolerant and not be so effected by the drama and at what point do I say she can move schools.
    • Denise Rowden, Parent CoachEP Coach

      Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. I can understand your distress. It can be really difficult to know what you can do as a parent when your teen is struggling with peers and relationships. Often times, the best course of action is to be supportive while also letting your child figure things out for themselves. Sara Bean wrote a great article I think you will find helpful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-cool-kids-how-to-help-your-child-or-teen-deal-with-peer-pressure-exclusion-and-cliques/

      We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community and wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.

  • Amanda

    I believe kids today need mentors and other adults that really believe in them. A lot of parents are working, and kids don’t always get to have life conversations with them.

    I was lucky because my dad was a firefighter, so he had every other day off and would be at home. I remember my brother and I being able to talk to him about stuff like peer pressure, sticking up for other kids, bullying, and other life things… even the birds and the bees (that was an awkward conversation!).

    If kids have a couple extra adults in their life that can mentor them and believe in them, I think they will avoid bad decisions and they will have a much better chance to succeed.

    And if you’re a busy parent or a single parent, even just a 5 minute conversation about life skills could make a huge difference.

  • Leslie
    I have a 16-year-old autistic/ADHD son who has a bad attitude. He hates school, probably due to all the bullying. He has made a few friends but of course these are the people that drink too much and get into trouble. He keeps a part-time job but complains constantly aboutMore his boss at work and how much he picks on him. He has a bad attitude and is argumentative at home. We gave him a car after he got his license and he promptly totaled it in an accident because he didn't even have space even though we have repeatedly asked him to. I'm really at a loss as to what we're supposed to do with this child.
  • Maya Erzi

    Reading this even though I'm 14... Wow, some parents have it hard huh... I mean, even I know you can't just get a high-paying job without the needed knowledge to do certain things.

    To be a game tester, I'm thinking technology skills are what's mostly needed. Teenagers have those skills since it's from their time, but I think a company would appreciate proof that they know their stuff. Like a diploma, perhaps?

    I, like many teens, don't like school. But I know it's still necessary. Personally, I'm thinking of taking psychology when I go to college. It's interesting to know how people work and think.

  • Liz
    My daughter is 15 and is smoking pot what do I do my husband called the cops on her once for not answering her door the cops took the pot she went to court and passed the drug test a month later we thought she was done with it butMore lately when she has been coming home her eyes look so heavy she says she's tired but I'm not stupid I know she's high as a kite and then this morning I smelled pot in her room, please what do I do.
    • Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach
      Substance use is one of the most challenging issues for any parent to address, and I’m sorry that you are going through this with your daughter right now. While you cannot “make” your daughter stop smoking pot, you can look at your own actions and ways that you canMore make her uncomfortable with this choice. Using the police, and allowing your daughter to face the legal consequences of her actions, is one strategy you can use to make your daughter uncomfortable. You can find additional techniques in our article My Child Is Using Drugs or Drinking Alcohol—What Should I Do? Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family. Take care.
  • MissyB5

    My boyfriend's son is 16 (actually turning 17 today) and got into trouble back in August for texting and driving and wrecking his truck, lying about how that happened and then lying about where he was.  He got off moderately easy, I think, as he had the truck taken away for two weeks and his phone was blocked for use at certain times. The son was not happy about his punishment.  His mom did not help as she allowed his girlfriend to come over during his punishment.  His girlfriend, who is a year older than he is, sent him a text message where she told him that her mom could come get him from his dad's (mom and dad have 50/50 custody) and he could file a restraining order.  Well, after being allowed to go to homecoming (which was during his punishment) and even taking some pics with his dad and the girlfriend, he goes and has his mom file a retraining order against his dad.  Luckily the judge saw right through what he was trying to do and told the son that what he was doing was serious business.  This is the son that traveled this past summer (prior to the girlfriend) all over the country with his dad.  He had his first airline flight to Chicago to visit his dad over Father's Day (his dad was delivering boats there) and traveled there thru the Dakotas, Montana and Colorado and back to Georgia.  

    Now, however, even though the judge dismissed the restraining order, the son will not have anything to do with his dad, did not contact his dad on his birthday, has stated he does not want birthday presents or christmas gifts from his dad or any of the family and basically has free reign to do as he pleases since he is living with his mother.  We are at a loss as to what to do and my boyfriend his pretty devastated.  None of this makes any sense and sadly it all seemed to start when school started back in August and he started seeing the girl again.  He had dated the girl previously and she had told him that she didn't want to see him anymore because she thought she might be bisexual.  Totally devastated the son at the time.  Now she has her hooks back in him.  This same girlfriend who the mom despised previously, now just loves her to death.  

    What does a person do?

    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport
      MissyB5 I’m sorry to hear about the issues you and your boyfriend are currently facing with his son.  It can be so difficult when a child chooses to cut off contact with a parent as a result of a consequence being enforced.  Being given the “silent treatment” can be prettyMore challenging, and it becomes even more so when the child doesn’t live with that parent.  While it can be tempting to blame the girlfriend or his mom for this, the truth is that ultimately, his son is the one in charge of his own choices and actions.  Although you cannot “make” his son talk to or interact with either of you, you can control how you respond.  For example, you might choose to send a text or an email every so often letting him know that you are thinking about him, and willing to talk.  It can also be beneficial sometimes to work with a neutral third party, such as a counselor, who can help you to look at your options, and come up with a plan.  If this is something you might be interested in, try contacting the http://www.211.org at 1-800-273-6222.  211 is a service which connects people with resources in their community.  I recognize how tough this must be for both of you right now, and I wish you all the best moving forward.  Take care.
      • MissyB5

        RebeccaW_ParentalSupport MissyB5 Thank you so much for your response.  Unfortunately, his son gave the phone we were letting him use back to us and now has another phone number which no one will give to us.  His mother said it is up to their son to make contact and she will not provide the number.  We have requested counseling, but his son will not hear of it and, as I said, the mother is not helping in this regard at all.  When the son pulled this same stunt on his mother not even a year ago (he didn't file a restraining order, just did not want contact with his mom nor did he want to stay with her but instead stayed with his father for a 3 month period) we made sure he kept in touch with her and encouraged him to see her.  She is not doing so in this instance.  The only contact we have with him is through the mother and she only allows us to text.  She will not meet the father in person nor will she talk to him on the phone.  The only thing we have been able to figure is that we just have to wait it out.  This is the 2nd time (within a 3 year period) the son and the mother has filed a restraining order against the father, both of which were thrown out by the judge for lack of evidence.  There has been no physical abuse, corporal punishment (he had not had a spanking since he was 5 years old), no endangerment and no verbal abuse; the only thing has been restriction, grounding and lectures. The father is the disciplinarian and has been asked on numerous occasions to "straighten our son out" because he was being disrespectful and talking back to his mother.  At no time has the father disrespected or talked bad about the mother in front of the son.  In fact, it is the opposite.  He has made sure she has a gift from the son for birthdays, mother's day, and Christmas.  

        It is a repeated pattern in the family of using the court system to get what they want.  Back when my boyfriend was married to the mother, her daughter (who my boyfriend had raised from infancy but he is not the biological father) continuously played the grandparents against her parents -- filing restraining orders and custody documents on four separate occasions.  It is unfortunate, but anytime anything happens to anyone in that family it ends up in a lawsuit that eventually is thrown out.  

        It is very disheartening as we all had been discussing his preparation for college and all things he needed to complete his transcript.  He is a straight A student who is in the theatre.  Fortunately for us, his theatrics helped us in court.  We were in the process of scheduling college visits and getting him ready for the SAT -- all of which he was involved in and seemed excited about up and until he filed the restraining order.  

        I guess we will just wait and see when and if he will be willing to talk to us.   I figure it will happen close to the time school will be out for the summer as his girlfriend is a senior and will be graduating and, as she did before, she will not want to have anything tying her down and will dump him.  I am not blaming it on her but after all the trips -- one of those was two weeks prior and was a trip to Delaware and Virginia Beach for all three of us and we had a great time -- it just seems a little too convenient that all of this started happening after they got back in school and he started seeing her again.  I have read the text messages between the two of them and both made derogatory statements against my boyfriend, even when the father was buying the son some clothes.  They called him fat, made reference to his fat jowls trying to spit out words, and stated that my boyfriend was trying to buy him, etc.  All very horrible!   I did not tell my boyfriend as this would crush him.  I did, however, tell the son before the restraining order that he was spoiled and disrespectful of his father and that he should never say stuff about him like that; that there are hundreds of kids out there that wished there father bought them things and spent time with them.  I do enough volunteering to know this for a fact.    

        Thanks for listening.

  • Adams1966
    I have a 17-year-old son I have been dealing with the divorce for two years. His dad has told him he can do what he wants and doesn't have to listen to me he can make his own choices if he doesn't want to do something I asked him toMore do. Because his dad his dad comes and runs to pick some up. His dad refuses to give me a divorce because he doesn't want to pay child support Our divorce is contesting but neither one of us had money to sue each other.. i'm fixing to have surgery and I will not be in the home for six weeks I will be staying with my fiancé and he's refusing to come with me. His excuses he doesn't want to. His dad lives in Pocaty I live in Tampa so we has to go to his neighborhood school That's why he lives with me. I want to move in with my boyfriend fiancé but I can't seem to just leave my son even though he is 17 and I am stressed and tired of fighting with him his dad has made him his best friend and I am the enemy. I don't know what to do anymore . He has bad grades in school no interest in sports anymore I don't know what to do anymore I'm numb I'm tired I'm tired of crying. If my son doesn't have his way he has a tantrum and goes and smokes is pot. His dad treats me like shit so part of me is saying like oh let him live with his dad.
    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport
      Adams1966 I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you are facing with your son, as well as his dad.  I can hear how overwhelmed you are feeling, and it’s understandable that you would want a break at this point.  When you are feeling overwhelmed, it tends to be useful toMore focus on one thing at a time, rather than trying to address everything at once.  With that in mind, it could be helpful to figure out where your son will stay when you have surgery, whether it is with you and your fiancee, his dad, or if there is another option available.  You might also find some helpful tips in our blog, https://www.empoweringparents.com/blog/blended-families/, as you continue to move forward.  Take care.
  • DistraughtCTMom

    I have a 13 yo daughter who is extremely disrespectful to my husband, her younger sister and myself.  We can barely get along with her and her and her sister barely speak.  She is always trying to control the household and everyone in it.  She brings us to the brink of wanting to literally beat the crap out of her.  We take things away & ground her but it does not have any effect on her at all.  She is very narcissistic and blames all of her problems and behavioral issues on us.  On a daily basis she calls me a DumbF***, my husband an A$$hole, tells us that she behaves that way because we are bad parents and if we were different, she would be different.  Her room is a total mess and despite repeated efforts to clean it she continues to blame me.  I have stopped washing her clothes and instead bought each of my girls their own laundry basket.  They keep it in their rooms and when the basket is filled, they are suppose to wash their clothes.  That way if anything is missing, they can't blame anybody but themselves.  Well, my younger daughter is really good about keeping up with her clothes but, my older one has not washed clothes in almost 2 weeks and constantly blames me for missing items and tells me that I'm a fat old dumbf*** bitch that is too lazy to do clothes.

    I'm ready to walk away from everything!!!

    Please, someone help me!!

    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

      DistraughtCTMom 

      I’m so sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing with your

      daughter, and I hear how frustrated and overwhelmed you are feeling right now.This is a common response to being verbally

      abused on a regular basis.As we often

      say here, there is no excuse for abuse, and I encourage you to create a plan

      for how you can effectively respond to your daughter moving forward.You might find some helpful information in

      James Lehman’s series on verbal abuse, which starts with https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/kids-who-are-verbally-abusive-part-1-the-creation-of-a-defiant-child/.In addition, I encourage you to include in

      your plan how you can stay calm in the midst of your daughter’s attacks.Dr. Joan outlines some tips in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/losing-your-temper-with-your-child-8-steps-to-help-you-stay-in-control/.I recognize how difficult this must be for

      you and your family, and I wish you all the best moving forward.Take care.

  • BinPal
    I have 15 yr old son. He lies a lot, doesn't like school, and his attitude has changed. He likes a girl n stalking her lately. But he found out that she doesn't like him so not taking it so well. Also he listens to really bad music...it just hasMore all bad words. He doesn't know the social media works n what n how to posts things online. He has limitations on his internet use, and phone now. But I don't think it's helping him! He acts strangely ard ppl now. I made a chart for his homework but doesn't follow it. Not sure how to help this boy! Please help!
    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

      BinPal 

      We hear from many

      parents who are concerned about the behavior and attitude changes they witness

      in their teenagers, so you are not alone.  The truth is, this stage of

      development brings many new problems which teens do not know how to solve

      effectively, so they turn to faulty methods such as lying and avoiding

      responsibilities instead.  The good news is, it’s never too late to

      learn!  You might find some ideas on how to get started with your son in

      our article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/good-behavior-is-not-magic-its-a-skill-the-3-skills-every-child-needs-for-good-behavior/.  Please be sure to let us know if you have additional

      questions.  Take care.

  • ranjan veer
    My son like play sports when gets difficult in it he would like to stop. I am supporting him but when I'm with him he will do but some time he thinks he want stop that. In that particular time I loosing my pacens. Please your suggestions to me
    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

      ranjan veer 

      This is a common

      pattern for many kids and their families, so you are not alone.  After

      all, when things become harder, the temptation can be very strong to quit

      rather than persevere through the challenges your son might be facing.  In

      addition, kids often engage in “wishful thinking” and believe that they will be

      able to learn complex skills quickly and easily, and then become disappointed

      when that doesn’t happen.  Something that can be helpful is to talk with

      your son during a calm time about the challenges he faces when playing sports,

      and what he might be able to do differently instead of quitting or giving

      up.  Sara Bean outlines more helpful strategies in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/does-your-child-rely-on-wishful-thinking-how-to-motivate-him-toward-attainable-goals/.  Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are

      going for you and your son.  Take care.

  • Sharmista
    I have the same problem with my 16 year old son refuse to listen to anything i say.he has stopped doing his homework.finds resons not to go to school his grades have fallen..just dont want to talk.all the time with his phone. .if go to stop him he getsMore angry on me.....
  • nic
    Help my 13 year old has no personal hygiene and refuses to leave his room or the house . I've had professional help before for him but basically we were told don't argue with him just tell him once what's happening and that's it . I've been trying that forMore years and it doesn't work .i tell him we are going out and all I get is I'm not going or the answer to everything is later . Its getting really bad now,where if I do get him to go out he's controlling what time we go as always need the toilet to delay going .also as soon as we get anywhere its when are we going him .you've done what you came out for .he seems scared to be out ,wont have a window open in his room incase bugs get in .ge is a nice caring boy and very loving but he's making our lives really hard as my husband hates the way he controls me , my other son is missing out due to the eldest always refusing to do anything .
    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

      @nic 

      It can be very

      challenging when it feels like one child is controlling the rest of the house,

      and I’m glad that you’re reaching out for support.  As Kim Abraham and

      Marney Studaker-Cordner point out in their article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/your-defiant-childs-behavior-5-things-you-can-and-cant-control-as-a-parent/,

      while you cannot control your son’s actions or refusal to comply with

      directions, you can control how you respond to him.  At this point, it

      might be helpful to plan what you can do if your son is refusing to leave the

      house.  For example, it might be asking a friend or a neighbor to come

      over to your house so you can go, or plan ahead to https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/which-consequence-should-i-give-my-child-how-to-create-a-list-of-consequences-for-children/ if he is ready to leave on time. Thank you for

      writing in; take care.

  • nessie b
    Hi I'm having teenage girl trouble.  My daughter is 15 16 in November and seems to be going through a rebellious stage.  She is on her phone late so my husband put a block on it and 10.15 pm, she hates it.  she swore at her father last night soMore he confiscated her phone and laptop.  She then went out for 2 hours and we didn't know where she was.  she seems so addicted to her phone.  She's not particularly happy with her friendship group at school. She was very nasty last night to her siblings which is totally out of character and i feel like I'm loosing her.  What should i do/ xx
    • Marissa EP

      nessie b 

      Thanks

      for writing in with your question. It sounds like there are a couple different

      issues going on with your daughter- excessive use of the phone, and cursing or

      verbally abusing others. I would suggest establishing clear rules around each

      behavior, and holding her accountable with a consequence when the rule is

      broken. Using parental controls to put time limits on the phone can be a good

      way to limit her use, and it is quite normal that she will be unhappy with

      those limits. Withholding electronics when the verbal abuse happens is a great

      idea, however, to keep her motivated to change, she will need a way to earn

      them back. James Lehman talks about time- and task-oriented consequences in his

      article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-give-kids-consequences-that-work/. Let us know if you have any more

      questions!

  • Anig

    Hi

    I have a 18 year old son. He always think that we are not fair when it comes to him. He got jealous with his 2 siblings. What is the best way to treat this kind of attitude? Pls . help.

    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

      Anig 

      It can be quite

      frustrating when your child insists that you are not being fair, or that his

      siblings are treated more favorably than him.  This is also quite common,

      as sibling rivalry and jealousy occurs in almost every family which has more

      than one child.  One strategy which we often recommend in this type of

      situation is to stay focused on your son’s behavior and choices, rather than

      trying to justify or defend your actions with his siblings.  You might

      find more helpful techniques in one of our articles on sibling rivalry, such as

      https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/sibling-rivalry-good-kid-vs-bad-kid/.  Please let us know if you have any

      additional questions.

  • Aimee
    Hi, I have a 15 year old son and he currently goes to our local private school. We live in a smallish country town and there are only 2 options for year 11 & 12 (1 private and 1 public). I am not against public schooling; my son attended aMore public primary school however we opted for private high school for a variety of reasons. Now my son wants to change schools and states "all his friends are changing". I am resisting the move as the local public high school has a very poor reputation and without the structure I envisage him disengaging from his education (a common occurrence with students that I have worked with from the public school). My son has begun to make threats about acting out at his current school until he gets expelled etc. I am really torn about what to do. I think if he sticks out the next 2 years he will be better placed for his future but this decision is causing conflict in our relationship and home. Please help!
    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

      @Aimee 

      I hear how

      challenging this decision is for you and your family, and I appreciate your

      reaching out for support.  It’s quite common for your son to want to

      follow his friends, and attend school with them.  I also hear how much you

      value your son’s education, and want to set him up for future success. 

      Something you might try is having a conversation with your son during a calm

      time to get more information from him, as Janet Lehman outlines in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-rules-and-expectations-but-everyone-else-is-doing-it/  You might

      also consider talking with teachers and/or administrators at the public high

      school to get more factual information about their coursework and structure,

      rather than going by reputation.  Ultimately, the decision about where

      your son should attend school is yours.  Please be sure to write back and

      let us know how things are going.  Take care.

  • Debbie 2970
    Hello I have a 13yr old boy and a 12yr old girl at the moment they shout at us the daughter doesn't sleep my husband is disabled and I have my mum terminal ill with motor neuron disease we are struggling with them being selfish and throwing there weightMore around help please
    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

      Debbie 2970 

      It

      sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now, between your children’s

      behavior and caring for your husband and your mom.  I encourage you to make sure

      that you are taking care of yourself and getting the support you need. 

      Self-care is an important part of being an effective parent and addressing the

      behavior you are seeing with your kids. You might find the

      information included in the article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/sandwich-generation-stress-6-ways-to-cope-while-raising-kids-and-caring-for-elderly-parents/, useful as you move forward.  For information on available

      support in your local area, try contacting http://www.familylives.org.uk/at 0808 800 2222. 

      I wish you and your family all the best as you continue to move forward; take

      care.

  • supermomhanna

    I am the stepmother of 15 years old girl, life is been hill so far as I am thinking of divorce from a man that I truly love and respect. she totally disrespect me all the time.

    her mother passed away due to cancer and I feel so sorry for that, I felt I am a superwoman and I can help him raising 2 girls. she lies all the time angry

    at everything, disrespect everyone around her even her own dad. Should I walk away from all of this? I really love him but my health now is going down because of her. Every day we have drama with her.

    Can anyone help? I tried to be her friend but nothing is working. when she need something she will be all goody goody with me, once its done I face the other side with no warning.

    • DeniseR_ParentalSupport

      supermomhanna

      I hear you. Parenting a teen can feel like an uphill battle.

      I’m not in a position to tell you whether or not you should leave your husband.

      That’s really a choice only you can make. It might be helpful to find a

      counselor or therapist you can talk with about the issues you are dealing with

      and the choices you are facing. Sometimes, having a neutral third party you can

      talk to can help you decide what is going to be the best option for you moving

      forward. The 211 Helpline would be able to give you information on counseling

      services in your area. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling

      1-800-273-6222 or by going online to http://www.211.org/.

      I wish you the best of luck moving forward. Take care.

  • sparz
    My husband and I have set some clear simple rules for our 15 year old daughter, but my husband does not believe in short-term consequences.   Only the long-term ones that can't be felt now or even quantified. Consequently, she breaks the rules because she knows nothing has happened orMore will happen.    He also get angry when I try to give consequences for back-talking, which undermines my authority and leaves me with no teeth to enforce my expectations of civil discourse.   I know that we can agree to disagree, but giving consequences seems like a pretty essential thing to agree on.   What can I do?
    • DeniseR_ParentalSupport

      sparz

      You’re absolutely correct. It would be more effective if you

      and your husband were on the same page when giving consequences. As James

      Lehman explains in the article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/differences-in-parenting-how-your-child-may-be-using-it-against-you/, when kids

      recognize that parents aren’t on the same page, they will often try to use this

      to their advantage.  It may be beneficial to sit down at a time when it’s

      just the two of you to talk about the expectations you each have. Perhaps you

      could pick one behavior you both can agree needs to be addressed, such as

      meeting curfew or completing homework. You could also discuss possible

      consequences you think could be effective. If coming to agreement on this

      proves to be too difficult, you might have to settle for not disagreeing in

      front of your daughter. Even that small of a change can be an effective start.

      Best of luck to you and your family moving forward. Take care.

  • Worriedparentl21
    Hi I have read your page and looking for advice I have done all the negotiating you mentioned later curfew etc my child is exactly the same with his outlook on life now he is not doing chores or home work sagging college we erupted in a big row toMore which I grounded him he walked out anyway and refused to come home now he is staying at his grandmother's who said she will send him home in a month he is happy there as it is closer to his friends and she gives him a lot more freedom in doing what he wants thing is I don't know weather I want him home now as I know he will be exactly the same I actually had a stroke last year and I think it was mainly down to all the stress he caused last year smoking thing drugs getting into fights its like he just doesn't care have you any advice on this please thank you
    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

      Worriedparentl21 

      I’m sorry to hear about everything that has been going on

      with you and your son, and the resulting stress and health problems you have

      experienced.  Ultimately, the decision about whether to allow him to come

      back to your home is going to be yours, and I encourage you to work with local

      resources about all your options so you can make an informed decision.  If

      he does come back to your home, it might be helpful to outline rules,

      expectations and consequences before he returns.  You can download our https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ as a template for this discussion.  I understand how

      difficult this is for you, and I wish you all the best moving forward. 

      Take care.

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

Connect with us
Advertisement for Empowering Parents Online Parent Coaching
Advertisement for Empowering Parents Total Transformation Online Package
Like What You're Reading?
Sign up for our newsletter and get immediate access to a FREE eBook, 5 Ways to Fix Disrespectful Behavior Now
We will not share your information with anyone. Terms of Use
×