Many parents today are faced with a dilemma: How do I support my adult child in becoming independent? Do I let my adult child live in my home while they struggle to find a job? These parents think:
“The economy is bad…maybe there really are no jobs out there. Should I continue paying for things like my child’s vehicle, insurance, clothes, and phone? Maybe I should move them into an apartment just to get them out and pay the first few months of rent, but after that, it’s up to them. Or do I just kick them out of the nest and hope they learn to fly?”
Kim Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner understand and have helped countless families in this situation. In their popular series on adult children on EmpoweringParents.com, readers have learned why so many adult kids still live at home, and how adult children work “the parent system.” In this article, you’ll hear six specific steps that will help your adult child leave the nest.
First of all, we understand that many families share a household for financial or other reasons. If you’re in a situation where your adult child is living with you, and it’s mutually beneficial – or at the very least mutually respectful – that’s fine.
This article is intended to help parents whose adult child is dependent or lives at home in a situation that’s become uncomfortable or even intolerable.
In recent articles, we’ve looked at how, over time, our society has moved from caring for our children to caretaking for our children—sometimes long into their adulthood.
We also looked at how parents are held hostage by emotions, such as anger, frustration, sympathy, guilt, and fear of what will happen if they do throw their adult birdie out of the nest without a net. Today, we’re going to give you some concrete steps to help that birdie finally fly.
Step One: Know Where You Are
The first task in moving your adult child toward independence is to assess where you are right now. Ask yourself these questions:
- Are you in a place where your boundaries are being crossed, and you need to establish some limits?
- Are you willing to allow your adult child to live in your home, within those limits, as he or she moves toward being more independent?
- Do you see your adult child as wanting to become independent or simply being more comfortable with allowing you to take care of all their responsibilities?
- Has the situation become so intolerable—perhaps even volatile—that your primary concern is getting your adult child out of your house, as quickly and safely as possible?
Where you are concerning your adult child will determine—in part—what steps you need to take next.
Step Two: Change Your View
Instead of picturing your adult child as a little bird whose wings won’t hold him up when he leaves the nest, think of him as fully capable of flying. Our emotions can cause us to be so afraid of what will happen to our kids that we think of them as children, rather than adults.
In reality, your adult child is an adult. They are equal to you and equally capable of making it in this world. Thinking of them as incapable is actually a disservice to them and keeps you in parental caretaking mode.
Your adult child may be uncomfortable with the steps you’re taking to encourage more responsibility, but that’s okay. Discomfort is what he needs to experience to make changes within himself. Changing your viewpoint so that you see your child as capable will reduce the guilt, fear, and anxiety you may feel as you begin to let him struggle to survive on his own.
Step Three: Identify and Guard Your Emotional Buttons
Identify ahead of time your limits and boundaries, what you’re willing to follow through with, and which emotional buttons will most likely get you to give in.
One parent told us, “I’m okay with my adult child not having extras (phones, video games, internet, haircuts), but I can’t let him be on the street. I know myself. I’ll never stick to it.”
This parent knew they were capable of allowing their child to live in their home without giving them extras or entitlements, so those were the boundaries they established. As it turns out, that adult child decided those extras were important to him. So when the Parent ATM shut down, he was motivated to get a job and pay for things—including an apartment—himself.
Step Four: Make Your Boundaries Clear
Once you’ve guarded your emotional buttons, you should make it clear to your adult child what the new limits are. If your adult daughter lives in a separate residence but still depends on you as a source of income, make your boundaries clear: state what you will and will not pay for.
If you need to start small and work your way up, that’s okay. Some parents can’t stop buying groceries because they don’t want their daughter to eat at soup kitchens or wherever she can find food. If that’s the case, start with things like phones, haircuts, money for gas, cigarettes, internet, and other non-necessities.
It’s her responsibility to locate resources: friends, churches, and government assistance. Your adult child can always apply for assistance through government programs such as food stamps and rental assistance if she is truly unable to locate work and support herself.
If your adult child lives in your home, create a contract that specifies the terms of her living there. This is an agreement between two adults. Don’t think of her as your child—think of her as a tenant. If your neighbor gave you a sob story about how much she needed a cell phone, would you buy it? And would you pay the monthly bill? If you think of your adult child the same way you think of your neighbor, you’ll be less likely to have your emotional buttons pushed.
An adult child may decide he or she doesn’t like the contract and will decide to live elsewhere. More power to them. Your adult child is not entitled to live in your home past the age of eighteen, and they shouldn’t need to. It’s a privilege, and you have every right to set the parameters. That’s always been your right—and always will be.
Related content: Rules, Boundaries, and Older Children: How to Cope with an Adult Child Living at Home
Step Five: Shut Down the Parent ATM
The key to launching your adult birdie is to make depending on you more uncomfortable than to launch. And a huge part of making your adult child uncomfortable is to stop paying for all the extras—things they view as necessities that really aren’t.
In this world, one can live without phones, internet, computers, haircuts, make-up, clothes from the mall, video games, and any other leisure activity you can name. If he’s struggling, he can get clothes from Salvation Army or Goodwill. He can take the bus. He can eat cheap (think boxed macaroni & cheese and Ramen noodles—food we ate when we had no money).
If he doesn’t have the money for cigarettes or alcohol, he doesn’t get them. Many adult children make a career out of working their parents to provide things for them that they can’t afford themselves.
Most people aren’t going to provide these things to your adult child. There is no Neighbor ATM, Friend ATM (well, maybe a few times, but they’ll shut that down real quick), or Third-Cousin-Twice-Removed ATM. But there is a Parent ATM. Why? Because we’re typically the only ones with emotional buttons that, when pushed, will give them money.
Make sure you read Part 2 of this series, where we covered emotional buttons and how adult children use them to get money from us. Protecting those buttons and turning off the Parent ATM is probably the biggest step toward launching your adult son or daughter.
Look at it this way. Your adult son’s hair can get really, really long; he doesn’t need a haircut. He doesn’t need an expensive phone and an unlimited data plan. He can live without these things. Truly. He just doesn’t want to. It’s okay for your adult child to be uncomfortable; we’ve all been uncomfortable and survived. It’s actually a good thing and necessary for change.
This is the key: change in a person occurs when things feel uncomfortable, out of balance, or unsteady. It’s what motivates them to find their equilibrium again, through employment, returning to college, offering their services through odd jobs, or whatever it takes to get the things in life that they want.
Step Six: Enough is Enough
Some parents have adult children at home who are abusing them verbally or even physically. You have the right to live in your own home, free from abuse, intimidation or disrespect. Anytime someone treats you in this way, they are violating a boundary and sometimes violating the law. It’s your right to establish personal boundaries that keep you physically and emotionally safe.
In other situations, some adult children are not quite abusive, but they have worn out their welcome by taking and taking without giving in return. The bottom line is you do not have to feel guilty about moving your adult child into independence so you can have your own life back.
You have the right to spend your money on things for yourself. You have the right to enjoy peaceful evenings in your own home, and you have the right to set the rules. You’ve raised your child. He’s an adult now. You are not expected to provide for him any more than your parents are expected to provide for you as an adult.
If you are in a situation that is intolerable with your adult child and have decided he needs to move out of your home, the following steps will help.
Remember to guard those emotional buttons. If your adult child typically pushes the guilt and sympathy buttons to stay dependent and comfortable, prepare yourself for what’s coming and plan how you’ll handle it.
You might even try making some note cards or adopt a slogan to remind yourself that you have the right to have your own home, free from negativity or meeting another adult’s needs.
Next, contact your local court to gather information about what legal steps you can take to move your adult child out. Many states require you to serve a “Notice to Quit” to any adult living in your home. If your adult child still refuses to leave, you may need to follow up with an eviction notice that gives a deadline for him to move out, typically thirty days.
If your adult child still refuses to leave, your local police department can enforce the eviction and will often notify the person that they will be escorted out of the home anywhere from 24 to 48 hours later. (Note: We aren’t able to address all legalities fully in this article due to the fact that each state differs in its laws regarding eviction.)
Eviction steps may sound harsh, but remember to think of your adult as a tenant. If you’re to the point of evicting your adult son or daughter out of your home, things have probably reached a point that is simply intolerable for you.
Your adult child may resist moving out at first, but again, the more uncomfortable he is, the more likely he is to leave on his own accord. If you fear violence or other repercussions from your child because of these steps, it’s beneficial to seek out local resources on domestic violence and/or contact the court regarding your right to a restraining order. Safety always comes first and if you’re in a domestic violence situation with your adult child, you’ll want to talk with someone knowledgeable about a safety plan.
Get on the Same Page as Your Parent Partner
If you’re living with a spouse or long-term partner who is not on the same page as you, it can make putting these steps into effect extremely difficult. You can only control yourself. If it’s causing serious conflict, you may want to seek counseling regarding how you can come to a mutual agreement.
The Bottom Line
Many young adults are struggling to become independent in today’s generation. Maybe the economy isn’t perfect, but that’s nothing new. We’ve gone through recessions and depressions in the past. Families used to have “leftover parties,” where they got together and turned their leftovers into a meal. They used to wait until the weekend to talk on the phone to long-distance relatives so the rates were lower. Sometimes there wasn’t a yearly vacation and kids brown-bagged it instead of buying hot lunches.
There’s nothing wrong with a family pulling together to make it in today’s world. What’s different about the young adults in today’s generation seems to be their sense of entitlement and their aversion to making sacrifices. Gone are the days of “If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it.”
Today, society is all about technology and instant gratification. But it’s not too late to teach our adult children the values of delayed gratification and working for things they desire. It’s okay for them to be uncomfortable and realize they have the ability to survive hard times through self reliance.
If your guilt or fear buttons start reacting, remember: we give our kids these lessons out of love.
Failure to Launch, Part 1: Why So Many Adult Kids Still Live with Their Parents
Failure to Launch, Part 2: How Adult Children Work the “Parent System”
About Kim Abraham, LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW
Kimberly Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner are the co-creators of The ODD Lifeline® for parents of Oppositional, Defiant kids, and Life Over the Influence™, a program that helps families struggling with substance abuse issues (both programs are included in The Total Transformation® Online Package). Kimberly Abraham, LMSW, has worked with children and families for more than 25 years. She specializes in working with teens with behavioral disorders, and has also raised a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW, is the mother of four and has been a therapist for 15 years. She works with children and families and has in-depth training in the area of substance abuse. Kim and Marney are also the co-creators of their first children's book, Daisy: The True Story of an Amazing 3-Legged Chinchilla, which teaches the value of embracing differences and was the winner of the 2014 National Indie Excellence Children's Storybook Cover Design Award.
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I started dating my GF 7 years ago not long after my wife passed away. We'd known one another for many years before dating. When we started dating, her adult son (24 at the time) had been living with her for 2 years. We moved in together, then bought a home together and her son "followed" us on the move. He has his own space over the detached garage.
He is now 31 and shows no signs of leaving home. He pays minimal rent, but "his" car is in his mom's name, she has given him a gas card that she pays (she may be using his money, as she has access to his accounts) and she pays his car insurance. She does his taxes every year, and any time there is some issue she either does it for him or sits him down and walks him through it.
He presently works, at a job she arranged for him through a previous boyfriend.
He spends all of his time either working or playing online video games. His social life is primarily online.
He is now 31 years old.
Right now, as I type, we have signed a contract to build a home in a different state. We are WEEKS away from listing our present home for sale. Her son has known since we moved into this house that our plan was to move South after retirement, and that he would need to find a place and move out when we sold. He says he has no desire to move to our new location, and our new home is not appropriate for him to move with us anyway.
She is worried sick that he is going to be "homeless". She has said she feels like she is Kicking him out, putting him out on the street.
When asked what he wants to do, or what his plans are he says "I don't know". At this point, whenever the topic of us moving, or what he is going to do or what steps he has taken comes up, he shuts down and leaves. He completely avoids the topic like if he ignores it, it just won't happen. It's almost petulant.
My greatest fear at the moment is that when the time comes, his mother will decide he can't make it o his own, and opt to stay here to take care of him, leaving me to either move to our new house alone, or spend a ton of money to get out of the contract and stay here with her.
I have no influence with him, and whenever I try to borach the subject he just gets angry and leaves.
To be fair, my adult son (35) was suffering from a substance abuse problem (alcohol) and asked for my help to get back on his feet. He moved here from out of state, went through rehab and is now sober, has started school to learn a trade, is working, and plans to be out on of this house by mid-March. He's not as motivated as I would be, nor as motivated as I would like him to be, but he is definitely out of here within a year of arriving.
I have no idea how to handle this situation other than to wait to see how she reacts when her son inevitably has failed to do anything toward getting out on his own.
I welcome any advice.
I met my wife around 13 years ago after a few failed relationships. My wife has 2 sons and I have one. My Wifes sons are 28 and 22 and live at home with us, my son is 18 and lives with his mum.
Whilst my wife's sons are both working (thankfully!) neither of them are showing any signs of planning an exit or launch.
My wife does everything for them, has been through debt for them, does their cleaning, cooking, washing, everything.
We have been married 7 years and everything seemed much easier when the kids were younger as it was easy to see them as kids, but now they are older and so are we.
I try to talk to my wife about helping them plan to launch, but she doesn't want to hear it, when i speak to the boys they say the right words but i can honestly see they really have no plans other than staying at home indefinitely.
Before we were married, i bought the house we live in, just in my name. At the moment i feel like the outsider with no real say and no way forward. Sadly i only see a way out, divorce and settlement with half the house.
I don't want to lose contact with the boys, i would be happy if they lived in the same street, just not in the same house, i am worn out and my wife is falling apart but won't admit to it.
I feel that me coming into their lives at a late stage has really enabled them. They have no real respect or love for me and therefore i wonder why i am bothering when i have my own son who loves and needs me at this time, who i am still lucky enough to have a great relationship with.
If there was some way to get them to start planning for a future outside of the house and commit to it, whilst helping out much more at home than they do, i think i would be ok to stay.
Hi everyone,
This site is very helpful.
In my case my son is still 16 years old but I am starting seeing the possibility of failure to lauch in the horizon. He is a good kid , doesn't not steal,is not a trouble maker but sometimes becomes aggressive when I touch some wounds. He is in grade 11 but has ADHD, anxiety and depression. He also developed a condition called BDD ( body dysmorphia disorder ) , a condition one perceives flaws especially in the face that doesn't really exist for others. My problem is he doesn't accept any treatment, he is paranoid and doesn't trust anybody, in part because a very difficult relationship with his dad. I would like to know your opinion: should I start to think about a contract right now. He is a good kid but doesn't believe that we love him and can get very belligerent when I mention he needs mental health treatment. Thank you
Hi, Elda. Thank you for reaching out. At 16, your son is still a bit young for a Living Agreement type of contract. It would be more productive to develop what we call a culture of accountability in your home that outlines clear rules and expectations for family members. You can read more about that here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-create-a-culture-of-accountability-in-your-home/. I would also see what types of support services are available for you and your family. If you are in the US or Canada, the 211 National Helpline is a referral service available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services available in your area such as counselors, therapists, support groups/kinship services as well as various other resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging onto 211.org (211.ca in Canada.)
We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community and wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.
Any advice on moving a 23 yr old out of home that has other children in it. Child has failure to launch and is bi-polar and can't or won't work. Loosing our minds. Therapy and counseling has not worked.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My daughter will not leave stating “get a lawyer!” She has other relatives who’d rather see her in my house than theirs!
I may be ostersized!!
My daughter (28) who lives with me struggles with PTSD, depression, ADHD, OCD and Chronic Pain Syndrome, which entitles her to SSDI/SSI payments. She currently has a Psychiatric Service Dog, to help her with her PTSD and Clinical Depression. She recently had a bone fusion and is wheelchair bound for the time being. She rents a room from me and helps around the house as much as she can to the point of causing herself injury (she cut her leg cast off after 10 days to help me around the house). Although, she is very considerate, extremely clean, and mostly keeps to herself.
Do to her wheelchair, she is not able to help out as much as she used to. As the doctor forced her back into a cast.
She also needs temporary transportation to get groceries and to 3-4 doctor’s appointments a week. As she cannot drive due to her recent surgery. However, my husband is getting older and we want to travel more, but we know our daughter would not be able to sustain more than a few days without my help.
She is extremely intelligent and was a straight A, honor society student who studied Pre-Med and Biochemistry before dropping out due to her chronic pain. Therefore, I cannot get her to willingly to go to a nursing facility.
What is the best way to evict my disabled daughter (and her service dog)? As, she obviously has a failure to launch and cannot attend school or work due to her medical treatments and disabilities.
Thank you for writing in and sharing your story. Many parents have experienced similar struggles with their adult child, so you are not alone. We re not able to answer questions involving legal matters such as evictions. I encourage you to see what types of local supports are available to help you and your family.
If you are located within the US or Canada, the 211 National Helpline is a great referral service. The 211 National Helpline is available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services available in your area such as counselors, therapists, support groups/kinship services as well as various other resources. In the US, you can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging onto 211.org. For Canada you would log into 211.ca.
We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Take care.
Hello,
I have a 36 year old son, still living as a teen ager. He hasn't grown up. I saw this because he went to art school after high school but flunked out because he was up all night playing video games. My wife and I divorced when he was 18, and has lived with on and off. He lived on his own but worked menial jobs making minimum incomes. He went back to living with me again. He does not shower regularly, keep himself clean, eat a healthy meal, and he does not clean his room. I sold my home in 2014, he was asked to leave, he was 29 years old. My mom took him in against my pleading, I felt he needed intense counseling, and help to get on the right path. Earlier this year he moved to South Carolina to live with his brother, but after 6 months he is ready to throw him out, because he still quits jobs, sleeps all day, plays video games all night, won't shower, and won't clean his room. He is a hermit, he rarely leaves his room. I need help, any suggestions?
Thank you
My daughter will soon be 22 and moved back home a year and a half ago after a failed attempt at college. The rules of our house are that after high school you either need to be a full time student or employed full time if you are to live in our home. She has never held a job for more that three weeks and since she moved home a year ago she has only taken a total of three courses - all three of which she barely passed. She insists that she wants to be a full time student but we suspect that is because she does not want to get a full time job - or any job for that matter. (She attends college for free because her father was a college professor and the school established a scholarship for her). She is extremely difficult to live with - no respect for boundaries, stealing, temper tantrums. We are at a point where we want her to move out because it is affecting every member of the household (two younger siblings, myself and my husband).
The complicating issue is that she inherited a substantial amount of money when her father tragically died four years ago that she refuses to spend on anything other than what she wants. (A trust was never established so she has full access to the money). We agreed at first that she would invest most of the money but would have some spending money every month. She is now spending $400-600/month for clothing, make-up, etc, while we pay for all of her needs. When we ask her to contribute to some of her living expenses she gets very upset and accuses us of trying to "steal her dead fathers money". While we see that she is pushing our emotional buttons we are having a hard time establishing boundaries and enforcing them because she can get so nasty it is easier to give in. We are living in a battlefield. She insists that she is not in an emotional state to live independently and she wants to wait until she graduates from college to move out - which seems like will never happen. I should mention that she has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and has been in a psychiatric hospital twice.
How do we know if she is being manipulative or if she is truly incapable of living on her own? If she is incapable of living on her own, do we have the right to ask her to contribute to her living expenses with her inheritance?
Thank you , reading this article makes me feel so much better about my situation.
I have a 23 year old son , who is moved out several times and we paid for his apartment, car, groceries everyday needs . Only for him to come back home etc. He has not held a job for more then 2 months. Smokes and expects us to pay for everything. He stays in his room all day sleeping watching videos on his cell phone, not doing anything. Me and my husband both work. We talked to him several times . I told my son i can longer support him with everything simply we dont have the money. He akts like he has to ignore us. Iam soo tired.
You deserve happiness. And, you are hurting your son by allowing this to continue. Young men need to learn life skills and stand on their own two feet. Living at home hurts young people who are learning to be adults. KEEP REPEATING THAT STATEMENT TO YOURSELF -- AND HIM!!
Write down on a piece of paper the DATE and TIME when he is moving out. You can give him 3 months notice, for example. Tell him to move in with a friend or look on Craigslist find a place to live since many people are looking to rent a room to someone. (Call a large church in your area, they might know of non-profit groups that help homeless adults. You could provide him with that info. OR, call a homeless shelter your county human services department for info.) You are being nice by providing the housing info, but you need to keep in mind that really, this is NOT your problem. On the day he moves out, he can decide where he wants to live.
IF you want to do so, you can let him know that you are willing to pay the first month's rent (or the first 3 months, whatever) IF he moves out ahead of the deadline. Wow -- this is super generous of you. Keep reminding him about the move out date. Each week, put a paper on the refrigerator door -- THREE weeks until the move out date. TWO weeks until the move out date. Only TEN more days, until the move out date.
Now for the reality. He will not move out, despite all your wonderful planning. You need to make a plan to evict him. Call ahead to the locksmith and figure out a plan. Learn how to change the code on the garage door opener. Then, after the deadline has passed -- say nothing to him. You wait for the right opportunity. Then you can pick any date that is convenient for you and decide when the time is right. Let's say a week after the deadline, he leaves the house one day. YOU JUMP ON IT! Lock the doors, call the emergency locksmith, who you have put on call ahead of time. Put his stuff in boxes and bags and put them on the front step with a note. It is a note that you wrote ahead of time. "You are no longer living here. I recommend you stay with a friend or call this phone number xyz for county services to find a place to stay. I love you and want you to succeed with life skills as an adult."
Warning: Long story
I have been married to my husband for 6 1/2 years. He has one son who was 13 when we met, now 20. Early on, I tried to help my stepson by teaching him to take care of himself, the house, and going out to earn money. I noticed his sense of entitlement and tried to nip it in the bud, but he saw this as a threat and lied constantly to undermine me; even lied to the police to have me arrested once (he was stealing from my business and I was disciplining him and he said I was hitting him when I just took his phone). His father took his side and it nearly destroyed our marriage, but I just decided to bide my time and let the boy undo himself since he openly had no respect for the law or other people. His father and I worked things out, but the boy refused to live with us, so he stayed at an apartment. He got caught by the cops with a bunch of marijuana and was forced to move home. At home he was not able to smoke his weed or do whatever he pleased, so he ran off to live with his mother. She moved to California from Honduras so that he could stay in the US (he is an immigrant, not a citizen), so she has to go back to Honduras every 6 months to renew her visitor's visa (yes, she is playing a game with our immigration laws). About a year and a half ago, she went back and wanted to stay in Honduras, so my stepson (18 then) moved back to my hometown, but we were leaving to move to another state. So, we left him with a car and he had plenty of friends who he could stay with while he worked to start his own life. He chose not to work and wound up in jail and lost his car. His father, not wanting his son to move back to Honduras, asked me to let him stay with us while he found a job. Of course I want to see my stepson succeed, so he moved in with us. We sat down, worked out a plan and a budget for him to pay rent, etc. My husband took him to get a job that he could walk to and things seemed like they were going to be on track. Until my son who shared a room with stepson(12 at the time), came to tell me there was a woman in the bed with my stepson. Now, I don't know how you are in your house, but I do NOT allow the boys to do things with girls in my home and I especially don't want those things done with my sleeping child in the room. Then he started back-sliding on our agreement and smoking marijuana again. I told my husband that I had enough and my husband found him a room to rent that my stepson was supposed to pay. Well, my husband always was complaining about being broke, but I never had an issue with my money and I made $1,000 less a month than him! I knew he was paying for his son, but I stayed quiet. Then my stepfather died and my mother was dealing with stage 4 cancer, so she moved to be near me. We decided to move in with her since she was needing more care and told my husband that he should just move his son into our apartment so he wasn't trying to support two places. A couple of months went by with my stepson not paying rent, smoking pot, and being lazy, so my husband told him to join the military or move back to Honduras with his mother. My stepson agreed to join the military and was going to give the car back to his father (since he cosigned for it and was paying the bills on it). My stepson went to Honduras over New Year's and quit his job here. When he came back, my husband asked him how he was going to pay his bills, to which my stepson said that he expected us to pay for all his living expenses. That was the last straw for my husband. He terminated the lease and told his son that he had 30 days to find a new place to live. On the last day of the lease, my stepson told my husband that he was a horrible father and he was not going to give back the car. This broke my husband's heart and he hasn't spoken to my stepson in a week and refuses to speak to him until he grows up and accepts responsibility. Now, we find out that my stepson is calling all of my husband's family that lives in the US (cousins he has never met) and lying to them saying that my husband kicked him out for no reason and wants him to be homeless. Well, we find out last night that my stepson is driving back to California and his mother is going to support him again there. The only issue is that this is her last game with the visa... she's got six months here and then either has to go back to Honduras for good or stay here illegally and never go back to her home. My husband says he is done with his son after seeing his true self, but I am not so sure... it is his son after all. I fear for my stepson since I believe his issues are likely rooted in an untreated personality disorder (he's been like this since a child according to my sister-in-law and his mother is the same way), but I am more worried that in 6 months he'll come crying to his father again and my husband will help him out to his detriment as usual... my husband isn't getting any younger and needs to plan for retirement, not support a capable, young adult who thinks it is the family's job to support him financially until he sees fit to take care of himself. I guess time will tell.
I've read the books. I know theoretically that she will need to hit rock bottom, perhaps be homeless, perhaps be in danger. MAYBE she won't make it. MAYBE she will finally get her act together. Adult daughter age 37 has been unemployed, living off divorce settlement for many years. Her dad (my ex) kicked her out a year ago. Today I learn she's finally out of cash and living in a dangerous place and wants us to help financially. I can afford to help a little, for a little while.. but I don't know that's the best thing. I sincerely feel her dad (my ex) finally did the right thing to cut her off and kick her out... Afterwards, I got her a mental health assessment and all that guy did was prescribe Prozac. Apparently there isn't anything obviously wrong with her.. he didn't even say she was very depressed. She didn't go back. I've never been aware of any substance abuse problems and neither has her father or step father noticed anything.
I do not want her to move in with me and my husband as I know it will be even harder to kick her out. (Besides, she makes us uncomfortable in our own home, watching her lay around and sleep, play on her Ipad or watch TV). IShe now has no money, no household furnishings and has 1 month left to live in a room rented from a friend of hers. I expect she will burn that friendship and have to be evicted. She's unemployable at this point and I don't see how she can make enough to live on a minimum wage job... assuming she could get one and would even stick with it..
Because she has a decent car, she still has enough assets to not qualify for social services (except Medi-cal). I really wish I could find a support group or a counselor to help me say no. And to help me survive this pain. She was just visiting for the weekend and I found she had not been doing what she said she was going to do so I had to buy a plane ticket after less than 24 hours to ship her back to her ghetto dangerous room in the worst part of one of the worst crime cities in the country with only a month of money left to live on. I expect next month she will be living in her car.
I need help and don't just want to call a random counseler. How do I find on that will help me. I'm in Las Vegas.
Im so glad to see there are other parents going through this dilemma. As the mother of two adult sons, who both live home, I am wondering if I will ever have my home to myself again! I love my boys, and they are now both working full time jobs, they are 22 and 26. But I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel for them to move out on their own. We live in a very nice home, and I have not asked for rent. I've created my monsters .. I know that. But how do you kindly direct them .. I certainly would never kick them out.. but, there are alot of boundaries that are being crossed as far as being entitled. My older son has friends in and out all weekend, and my younger son has had a girl living with us for 3 yrs. Sadly she has no place to go, no family , and she tries harder than they do .. to help me .. and she does pay me rent. I don't seem to be able to enforce very simple rules-like cleaning up after themselves, not smoking in the house, or leaving personal belongings laying all over the family room. Their rooms are pig pens, and no matter how I try to look the other way..it drives me crazy. They are very messy, and just see no problem with it, even when I ask for a change. I guess I am trying to transition from parenting children to living in a cooperative, respectful environment!.. To make it more complicated, they do not see their father at all, and I am remarried ( but have been since they were 4 and 8) so that plays a role in the household dynamics. My husband and I like things to be clean and neat, and to have our home look a certain way. They are so used to be nagging, that it is just a waste of energy!. My husbands daughter took her own life at 20 and I guess everytime I think of that, I feel like I should tolerate anything!..
Not sure why I feel I have to sacrifice peace and happiness for them though... am I being unrealistic?
Diene I agree with Done 2. She stated it well. I hear a very angry and hurt girl in your daughter's behavior but if she is unwilling to go to therapy and work those things out you have no choice. SHE has to be willing to work on her issues. She's obviously working if she can afford a car. I would tell her it's time to leave. Be oatmeal voice... you love her, you've done your best, you will not live with abuse any longer, she needs to leave. There are eviction laws with time frames... I would look those up so you have the time frames in mind. What applies to your situation specifically. (What did we do without Google?) You are truly teaching her and your son that this is acceptable behavior. Stand strong. Teach her she needs to work through her anger and come to a place of peace in her own life. It's not healthy for any of you.
Hang in there.
What year was this written? In today's world no one has a land line in the home and a cell phone and internet is the only way to apply for most jobs. It's not like it was when my generation was moving out. Employers don't want to see you. They want everything to go through a website. So if a person doesn't have access to a cell phone to receive call back on an application, how is this helpful? I can see telling my kid to go to the local library to use Internet access but they are even cracking down on that too.
My situation is there is absolutely no extended family. They are are all dead. He lost his job and is unskilled. I try to get him back to school but he needs income. He needs the phone to get to places. It's become a catch 22. I know he needs a hard line but it's winter and it's not like I can put his stuff on the porch and lock him out. He has no car, no driver's license. If he had no phone he'd be dead on my porch!
Thanks for your response. I hesitate to give ultimatums as far as the insurance goes as now he does have a job and a girlfriend and is feeling a bit better. I find when he's successful he does better, as we all do. My biggest, recent issue is, I know he is concerned about drinking and driving and he understands the risks. So, now that he has money, he's drinking upstairs in his room. I don't usually hide things from his father but I know he'll blow up. So,I've kept it to myself and feel awful about it. I feel my son is at a crossroads and trying to decide if it's all to much and split or continue to try to stick to the job and clean up his life. I'm relieved he's not drinking and driving but my husband gave up drinking at our home to set a good example. He'd be really ticked about him drinking upstairs. I do think he expects but looks the other way. My son is an alcoholic so if he goes several days without alcohol, he feels pretty crappy and unfocused. His mind needs to be clear for work so he drinks. My hope is he will get some help if he can continue with positive changes. It's just not all going to happen all at once. I just really hate hiding the truth from my husband. My son has had a lot of chances but he might just be old enough now to no longer want to be on the street and straighten out his life.he has said he knows if he leaves he will die a drunk on the street and I believed him. This job feels like the first step. If he loses this job or quits all bets are off and I feel like its ultimatum time.
We told him he needs to set up a bank account to have automatic withdrawal of his insurance . That's the next step.
I'm finding myself in many a similar situation. My daughter is 27, graduated from a prestigious university and decided to stay in her internship job paying much less than her worth. She stated then that she wished to stay at home for a couple of years to help her pay off her college debt. I had at this time started to put the house on the market but rescinded. I had already moved forward into town to take care of my parents at that time and have not returned back to live in my house. During this time she allowed several different bad roomies stopping with the final, a boyfriend who is an alcoholic, not driving but holding down a part time job and eventually took in two pit bulls. The dogs have torn up my floors. They pulled them up but even after I have offered to install floors and even bought equipment to complete the work, it hasn't been completed. My subfloors have been exposed for most of a year.
My father has recently unexpectedly died leaving me at a point where I have had to commit to moving in with my mother to help her out financially and with living activities. I now feel I can no longer carry my daughter, promise after promise not completed. I believe I must now lay down the law demanding she move out of the house, while I post my house to the market to be sold as is. I don't have anymore to give. I am broke financially. And I feel emotionally.
It breaks my heart to do this but I think it is the best gift I can give her. To grow up and take care of herself.
I'm sorry I feel so weak. I've lost so much this year with two other deaths in my family including my first born son.
I just wish to make sure I do this the right way if there is such a thing.
Nurse62 I feel your pain and want to tell you that you are not weak. I don't know what the right way is, but at this point you have to do what's right for you and not focus on what's right for her and her boyfriend and their animals.
I took care of myself from the time I was 18 (am now over 50) and never regretted it one bit. I am proud of who I have become and what I have accomplished and your daughter will be too one day. Take care of yourself and good luck.
redheadrage
I hear you. It can be so frustrating when you are sharing
living space with adults who are not taking responsibility for themselves, and
contributing their fair share to the household. At this point, it could
be useful for you and your boyfriend to talk privately during a calm time, and
come to an agreement about what the expectations are for his son and girlfriend
while they are living with you. You might consider https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ which outlines these expectations as well. I
recognize how challenging this must be for you, and I hope you will write back
and let us know how things are going. Take care.
It is the end of July 2016 and the last TEN YEARS of my life has been spent in direct combat with my 24 year old son.
It is so bad that I told him I hate his gutts. He has built so much hate resentment and disappointment
beyond that the long standing ten year history has caused me to lose everything and nearly take my own life.
He has failed to thrive for near to ten years. I got him counselling with five therapists, put him into a psychiatric hospital but no one could properly diagnose him because he refused to speak. He was diagnosed as having oppositional defiance which has now turned into a full blown conduct disorder.
He takes revenge on me for asking anything at all to be done. This started when he was a teenager such as asking him to do the dishes, he would break them or put them in the garbage or put them back into the cupboard dirty. He would scratch up the furniture then say I am seeing things and must be either stalked by someone or am a crazy person. The psychological warfare was serious with this kid and he had a poker face to boot and would never give in no matter what. Chased him with the broom and went bezerk to the point the neighbours thought I was crazy and then started taking his side due to the gaslighting. (gaslighting is altering someones perception to create self doubt) Well I sold the house because I honestly thought I was being stalked as all of my clothes and shoes and furniture were cut up and could not catch the carver as we called this unknown person. I became paranoid and nervous watching everyone who even smiled at me.
This altered my entire psyche and trust and altered the way I interact with all human beings.
This devil was threatened with the cops, sending to boot camp and so many times came so close to paying all the huge fees to get relief from him.
His covert behavior became more aggressive the older he got to the point I call it a MOMMY DOMINATION problem.
He is always trying to control me, even pulling me across the street by the arm nearly killing me being hit by a car. He will take things out of my shopping cart in the grocery store and tell me that I don't know how to shop, nor budget money (twenty five years as a single mom and cooked supremely) He would talk over me when I was trying to give my opinion to someone and say, Mom, this person doesn't care what you think, or roll his eyes and huff rudely to undermine me. if someone was in my way on the sidewalk, he would push me out of the way and yell loudly MOM watch out will ya? He yells at me when I am in my bed trying to sleep at night starting an episode and trying to stress me out whenever I am trying to relax. When I am sick, he says, How come you aren't working you don't look sick to me.
I have to answer how I am spending my money and if I buy one thing for myself he gets very upset and makes sure that he ruins my day or a nice retail therapy hissing in my ear as I try to browse and enjoy myself YOU HAVE BILLS TO PAY.
I paid for four years of Universiity for him but refuse to do anything more for him due to the level of his disrespect. Also, he berates, demoralizes me and discourages me every chance he can get as I am in commissioned sales and life is hard enough for me financially let alone listening to him about what a loser I am. NOTE I used to have a Ferrari and four other vehicles a gorgeous home winning energy and gave to charity and was so nice and generous and loving and kind to him and was always there for him in all ways. I have lost everything over the last ten years and it seems he is trying to destroy me and likes it to upset me and actually gets personal pleasure when I am really down (mostly due to him)
I see his crazy dark eyes, see that he has mental health issues and he will not get help. Instead, he says that he is getting the neighbor (another punk who is a mommy hater) to get me committed.
Well, when I was really up and determined and got paid on a big deal and bought him new leather furniture for his new apartment to move out and got a job interview for him with a big fund in finance, he was the worst prickfaced asshole you could ever expect.
I decided that it was either my life or his.
I went to the court with the episodes of violence and attacks and breaking down doors and threats to me and got him formed.
Because he wont listen to me and wont listen to anyone else, he now has to listen to a JUDGE.
He can follow the rules within a court order including, getting counselling, restricting computer use for job search only, 11pm curfew, drug and alcohol test, no contact with me nor my neighbours and to live in a half way house.
Because I pulled the mental illness card, I saved him from being criminally charged for assault and for elder abuse (because I am only 50, but it is the making of a nightmare if I ever am 80 in a wheelchair and his patient) YIKES
I want to tell everyone not to be embarrassed nor ashamed to involve the judge at family court. Just say that they will not follow the household rules and fail to thrive and put themselves and you at risk of harm. The warrant of committal takes them to a doctor and you can also get orders in place where they have to live, how they have to live and other tailor made programs.
HAND IT TO A JUDGE.
Worn down Dear Worn down , no, you don't have to numb yourselves until they leave home. It is true, you love your daughters and you worry about all the "what if" scenarios if they are asked to leave home. They may even be sweet to you once in a while. All that doesn't take away the fact that your life is as important as theirs. Your peace of mind is as important to you as theirs is to them.
Reading your post, I can see that you (and your husband) have done a lot for your children, to the best of your ability. It's up to them now. Tell them that they have to start living independently in their own apartment or home starting in two weeks. (Add another week if they request). They both can live together to share costs. By not asking them to leave, and by numbing yourself to a resigned life, you are doing two things:
1. You are not letting them grow and be responsible to themselves.
2. More importantly, you and your husband are not experiencing life as you should at this point. You are resigning yourself to a bad state of affairs that absolutely will not bear any benefits.
Wishing you all the best.
@Hopeful
We speak with a lot of parents who feel as though they are
powerless to motivate their child to either comply with the house rules, or to
move out on their own. Something to keep in mind is that, in general,
people do not change until they feel uncomfortable. If your son is OK
with the way things are going, he is not likely to be motivated to
change. I see that you are not providing him with any “extras” like
clothes, haircuts, or a phone. That’s great! It’s helpful to keep
in mind that anything you choose to provide to your son at this point is
considered a privilege, including a roof over his head and use of a car.
At this point, it could be useful to https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ with your son which outline the expectations for his
behavior while he is living in your house. As part of this living agreement,
you might require that he pay a certain amount to you, which you can use to pay
bills, or you can set it aside so he can use it to pay for a security deposit
and first month’s rent on an apartment of his own. I also encourage you
to think of how you will hold him accountable and make him uncomfortable if he
is not following through. As an example, in the “real world”, if you do
not pay your rent and instead spend it on fun things for yourself, chances are
you will be evicted. I recognize how challenging this can be, and I hope
that you will write back and let us know how things are going for you and your
family. Take care.
My daughter is afraid to move on. She doesn't feel like she is capable to do jobs that she could do. She went away to college for 4 yrs. She has a general education bachelor's degree with emphasis in psychology. She is gifted in communication.
But her self esteem is terrible. We don't have an extra car. Even so she is afraid to drive. She is afraid of public transportation. She is 26 and has been home since sue was 24. She is capable I know she is.
As I read through all these comments, I am relieved and saddened to see that I am not alone in my struggle with my 32 yo son. Almost 5 years ago he moved back home after a bad breakup with the girl he was living with. I have been a single parent all his life, dealing with his (now dead) alcoholic and verbally abusive father...for the first 19 years. I did EVERYthing I thought was right. My son saw me work 2-3 jobs to support us, put myself through college to better us, take him to every little league game and boy scout meeting....11 years of that! You name it. And not in a spoiled way, but I was there, I was a good mother. We had to go without a lot, but never felt deprived. We made do and did less expensive stuff to have fun.
But now, I feel like I'm living with a total stranger. He is angry, volitle and verbally abusive. He flys off at the slightest thing. His stuff is everywhere in my house (a small house I bought after he first moved out....not big enough for the two of us). He screams if I even touch anything to move it to get to my own things. .....and yes I wonder if he is bipolar..... I can't go there. I have asked him to move out more times than I can count. He screams telling he he is trying, but then continues same as usual. He had a job, quit. Is going to college, independent study, which he does but hates. Works with friends and has money related to music/band I don't know. ..he doesn't talk to me. He never has given me a dime, does no chores unless I complain making me the B. Blames his whole 'sorry existence' on me and threatens ME with a 'court notice' if I ever touch his things again. I do not believe there are drugs involved, that has never been a problem (odd as it sounds, he is allergic to pot). And he has a nice girlfriend. He truly believes I owe him money for messing up his life. He now claims squatters rights.......which he knows nothing of!
I hate coming home after work because I know he will scream at me for something. I am depressed and some days just feeling like running away from it all. Or moving out! Yes of MY OWN HOME. Just leaving it all.
The completely baffling thing of all this is that he is a good soul, a kind friend to the underdogs, an animal lover, an artist and a poet. But to me, the woman that raised him with all my heart, he is now unbearable. Some days he screams so loud and hatefilled that I think he will have a stroke or a heart attack, seriously. And yes, I'm going to say this out loud, but I think if God forbid, he died, he would be in a better place.
I know what needs to be done and I've tried, I am alone. I pray every day for a miracle. Thank you just for a place to share my thoughts and I will pray for all of you too.
AubreyCaldwell
Thank you for
writing in. I can hear how challenging it has been for you and your
family over the past few years to address your son’s behavior, and to try to
get him to change. You make a great point that change and discomfort
often go hand-in-hand, and that your influence lies in setting and enforcing
appropriate boundaries with your son. Ultimately, though, your son is an
adult, even if he is not necessarily demonstrating the maturity and
responsibility that typically comes with this stage in life. As an adult,
he has the power to make his own decisions, even those that you do not agree
with or support. As Debbie Pincus points out in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/adult-children-living-at-home-how-to-manage-without-going-crazy/, when a child
becomes an adult, the parent’s role shifts from being fully involved, to being
more of a consultant. Because he is living with your mom, it is really up to
her to determine the rules he must follow in order to remain there, and the
time frame he has to meet those expectations. I recognize how difficult
this process can be, and I wish you and your family all the best as you
continue to move forward. Take care.
Done 2 AdrianeReddonGriffin
Done 2 your response to Adriane Griffin I feel word for word I could have written....the only exception being I raised 2 boys not 4. This morning represents the first morning in which my youngest son 33 years old did not spend the night. To Adriane make a thorough list of all the ugly disrespectful things your grown child and said and done.....everything! Then every time you begin to feel overwhelmed with guilt not having the courage to toss him/her out to begin living "as they should" own their own......pull this list out of a drawer and READ IT SLOWLY. I would also add Praying to GOD ever night for the wisdom and words needed to deal with your child and the "situation" has helped me a great deal.!
ThomasSalas
Thank you for reaching out. It sounds like you have a
lot going on with your sons, and I hear how overwhelmed you are feeling right
now. Death is not the answer, though. There is support available to
you, and I encourage you to get the help you need to work through this time and
stay safe. Some organizations which might be local to you include the http://www.samaritans.org/, which offers services to
those who are feeling suicidal or are in crisis. You can reach them 24/7
by calling 116 123. Another local resource is http://www.familylives.org.uk/, which offers parenting
and family support. You can reach them by calling 0808 800 2222. I
wish you all the best as you continue to move forward. Take care.
jdenroh
I hear you. It can be difficult to think about asking your
adult child to move out on his own when it doesn’t seem as though he is capable
of taking care of himself. What may be helpful here is developing a living
agreement with your son that focuses on him taking steps towards that greater
independence. We have a couple of articles that focus on ways of developing a
living agreement you may find helpful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-your-adult-child-how-to-set-up-a-mutual-living-agreement/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/. When
trying to deal with situations where your son’s behavior is pushing your
buttons, it’s probably going to be best to walk away. Calling him out on it
will probably only serve to either escalate the situation or reinforce the
behavior in such a way that it becomes even more frequent. Best of luck to you
and your family moving forward. Take care.
I have an 18 year old that called me a b!@#$ this morning because I called him out for not paying his tuition on time with the money that I put in his account. I also reminded him of the laundry that he promised to do 4 days ago... Meanwhile, I was up at 3 am wondering where he was and when he would be home.. I wake up to 3 girls and 2 boys sleeping in my basement!!! He says I am a terrible parent and I need counseling... He said that we have to pay for his food and give him gas money if he is going to college.. Which we do, however he does not do anything we ask as far as responsibility. He had a job that he worked at twice a week for four hours at a time. He quit two weeks ago and has not looked for another job. He hangs out with kids his same age that are in rehab for smoking pot and getting a dui and the other goes to online college and does not work and lives at home. My son said that he has ADD for which I am getting him tested for. He has struggled his whole life with school and socially. I thought it was immaturity and I tried counseling. I am not sure how to go about this any more. I have started drinking glasses of wine in the evenings just to relax in my own home! It is not the way to handle this stress. We are at a turning point. During this argument this morning my son started screaming and threatening to punch something. He already punched the refrigerator and put dents in it.
I am giving him the contract today when he gets home. What do i do if he wont sign it? Do i call the cops and kick him out?? What do i do if he bullies me and turns it around on me? I love him but he is a spoiled brat and is so confused and disrespectful. Do i still go through with the ADD testing?? Help!!
@lost Honestly, the best thing you can do for your son is to stop letting him get away with this behavior!!! Stand strong! I've had to call the police on my son multiple times -- HIS BEHAVIOR caused that call, not mine! Denise is right about the contract, he doesn't have to sign it. Those are the rules for living in your home. If he doesn't want to live with those rules, he's welcome to leave. If he refuses to live with those rules, he must leave.
You can set up your own list of things you will or won't do for him.
In our case, our son is 18. We will continue to pay for his health insurance (he also has some emotional and ADD issues), we will drive him to Dr. appointments -- if he sets them up and asks us for a ride, we will pay for prescriptions should he need them, we will pay for his cell phone for the rest of the year, (mainly because we have to because we are in a contract). He doesn't have a license or a car -- both his choice and he quit his only job yesterday because he was "too stressed" to go in. (So he left with his friends to go drink and smoke pot.) I'm done. It's the hardest thing I'll ever do kicking him out this coming Sat. But I know it's the right thing to do. Hang in there. You don't have to be abused. He needs to grow up and learn how the world works.
@lost
These are all great, and important, questions to be asking
yourself. Now that your son is an adult, you are no longer required to provide
anything for him. What you do provide for him is a choice you make. If he’s not
meeting house rules and expectations, then it’s reasonable to consider making
different choices. Developing a living agreement is a great idea. We have an
article that has a downloadable template - https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ It
wouldn’t make the agreement null and void if he refuses to sign it. Putting the
agreement in writing is simply a way of formalizing what the house rules and
expectations are. What you might consider doing is adding something that
outlines what will happen if those expectations aren’t met. It may be necessary
to call the police or even go through a formal eviction process in order to
have him leave. Some areas do require this. You could call your local
police department for more information on that. Whether or not you go ahead
with the ADD testing is a decision only you and your son can make. Since he’s
18, he would need to sign off on it in order for it to happen. Best of luck
moving forward. Take care.
This article is about "normal" adult children living at home, but what about mentally ill adult children?
My husband and I have two adult sons living at home who are in their early 30s. We've asked them repeatedly to move out, but it never happens. We are facing poverty in our old age. We'd like to sell our home and buy something smaller that's easier and more economical to take care of, especially since I have a lot of health problems.
Our youngest has a good job, and he's paying his own way through college, but he rarely pays rent. He's disrespectful, especially to me. For the past few months, he has ignored me. He goes in and out without speaking to me. He's extremely self-absorbed and volatile. He didn't even bother to wish me a happy birthday this year. I would love for him to move out, but he suffers from borderline personality disorder and has extreme mood swings. We're afraid to get tough with him, feeling that it might throw him over the edge. I also fear violence as his moods seem to take extremes.
Our oldest son also suffers from a mental illness. I'm not sure what it is--perhaps mild autism. He's not social, has depression, and is addicted to computer gaming. He's living his life in his room. He graduated with a programming degree in 2003 and only worked a few months since. He claims that his degree is no longer any good, which may be true. Unlike our other sons, he's always there for us, always willing to help wherever he can. His psyche also seems fragile, and we're afraid that getting tough could throw him over the edge.
Our third son has mild autism and, amazingly, he has a degree, holds a managerial position, and lives on his own. We always thought he was the most "disabled" of the three, but he seems to be the most functional and has moved on with his life.
Anyway, my husband and I are at a complete loss about what to do to get the other two to grow up and move out. Any suggestions?
@Betty
You bring up a tough issue. It’s something many parents
struggle with so, you’re not alone. I know it can be quite distressing to watch
your child struggle and the concern about how they will manage to live
independently is very real. However, regardless of the diagnoses they may
have, your children are still adults. You’re not required to continue providing
for them even though they don’t seem to be taking steps towards independent
living. It may be beneficial to look into possible community programs that
could help your sons learn to live independently. The 211 Helpline would be
able to give you information on programs that could help your sons find
housing, employment, or mental health services. You can reach the Helpline 24
hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by going online to http://www.211.org/. In the meantime, you might consider
developing a living agreement with each of your sons, as explained in the
article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/.
Good luck to you and your family moving forward. Take care.
Hypothetical kid has nothing but high-calorie "cheap eats" like ramen noodles and mac & cheese, and fast food; then is struggling to pay for medical care when he develops health problems due to his poor diet.
And how does anyone in 2016 hold a job (or even maintain their relationships with others) without access to a cell phone or the Internet? I'd hardly call those things "extras" in this day and age. Is his employer going to send him a letter via carrier pigeon if they need to call him into work all of a sudden? (Many restaurants and retail establishments use "on call" scheduling these days.)
Technically, as far as the Internet goes, he could go to a local library, but a lot of libraries impose time limits on their computers, and depending on his work schedule and the bus schedule (since this hypothetical kid takes the bus everywhere), he may not even be able to drop by when they're open.
I don't like freeloaders but I also don't like this "bootstraps" ideology.
Both Sides mom @ Guest
If cell phones, haircuts and other things are considered essentials to you, then they will also be considered essentials to your children and they WILL work for them if they know you aren't going to provide them for free. You could have your children work around the home to pay for these things. Or they could do without them. I am a single mom who did without these things for years while raising my children, and I still managed to make it through university, find a great job, and end up with a great career. It's called being creative and learning how to make due. It actually creates a higher self-esteem and a greater ability to 'make it' in this world when one has to actually put in effort of their own, and then realizes that they can do this all by themselves! :)
@Guest Ramen noodles and mac & cheese for a few months won't send a young person into the hospital. Otherwise, most college kids would inundate our system in droves. The idea is that they would have to tighten the belt and sustain themselves for a while as they figure out how to feed themselves economically - they won't starve.
Since you bring up a valid query with regards to getting a job in 2016, I would like to address that the article didn't specifically say that a phone wasn't necessary, but that pricey data plans are. I am an HR Manager for a high-tech company and we have several folks that are able to apply and get a job without the use of the internet. It will mean some extra leg-work on your part, but it is possible. A simple pay-as-you go phone with just talk/text is going to be much cheaper than a high priced cell with data plan. You could also get a land-line for an affordable option. There are also plenty of jobs available where you can go in and fill out an application in person, meet the boss, and make the introduction. Might not be the job you want, but it would pay the bills.
Just because we live in an age of technology doesn't mean that you are entitled/required to have access. Learning to be resourceful is yet another part of growing up!
LoriS1954
It can be so tough to watch a loved one enable another
family member by doing so much for him. I can understand your concern. Doing
something for another that he can clearly do for himself can set up a sense of
learned helplessness for that person. Unfortunately, both your granddaughter
and your grandson are adults. While you may not agree with the choices your
granddaughter is making by supporting her brother, as an adult, how she spends
her money is up to her. If your grandson lives with you, you don’t have to
continue providing him a roof over his head, even if he may not be able to support
himself because he doesn’t have a job . If your grandson doesn’t live with you,
there may not be much you can do about the choices his parents and sister make
in terms of what they choose to provide for him. We appreciate you writing in
and wish you all the best of luck moving forward. Take care.