More and more adult kids are coming back home—or never leaving in the first place. If you are in this situation, you are not alone. A recent study says that one-third of young people, or 24 million of those aged 18 to 34, reside with their parents.
Whether your child is contributing his fair share or driving you up the wall with irresponsibility and attitude, you’re bound to have conflict from time to time.
In this two-part series by Debbie Pincus, find out how you can manage your adult children at home effectively and how you’ll know when it’s time for them to leave.
Older children end up at home with their parents for many different reasons. Sometimes they want to get their nest built financially, so they come home to save money and secure their future. Other kids are coming home—or have never left in the first place—because they really can’t make it out there on their own. For one reason or another, they haven’t developed the maturity to launch successfully.
If your child is controlling your house, then you are allowing yourself to be controlled.
If your adult child lives at home with you and has made no move to save up for a place of his own, you’ve probably asked yourself, “Is he planning to stay here forever?”
The truth is, sometimes older kids do get comfortable back home. It takes a lot of pressure off their shoulders because Mom and Dad are there to cook and clean and pay the bills.
So when is it appropriate to ask your child to leave? Should you wait until they get a job or get married? Is there a plan, or are you just moving forward blindly, hoping they’ll get up on their feet and find their way eventually?
Don’t Over–Function for Your Child
Some adult children are slower to mature than others. Developmentally, they’re just not ready to take care of themselves, so they end up at home. When this happens, many times it’s because the parents have been over-functioning for their kids.
What is over-functioning? Over–functioning means you’re taking responsibility for things he can do for himself, like doing his laundry and cleaning up his messes after he’s had friends over.
There’s an important difference between helping and over–functioning. Helping your older child means doing something for him he can’t do himself, such as driving him somewhere when he has a broken leg. Just know that when you over–function you’re allowing the negative behaviors to continue. The good news is that it’s in your control to change this situation.
Related content: Adult Child Living at Home Driving You Crazy?
What I recommend is to have a plan of action with your child. The message can be, “You’re not here for good. We’re going to help you, but the plan is for you to get on your feet.” Having a plan is important because it will ensure that your child’s stay back home doesn’t drag on forever. (I’ll talk more about how to make a concrete plan in Part 2 of this article series.)
What happens when there isn’t a plan? Frustration and resentment build when you hear your child says things like, “I’m looking for a job, but I can’t find anything,” but you’ve seen him sleeping late every day and staying out partying at night. This resentment only adds to the stress of living together.
Kids Who Fail to Launch
Ever hear yourself repeatedly make excuses like, “He’s a good kid, he’s just a little lost right now;” or “He’s going through a hard time—if I don’t help him who will?” The truth is, when your kid can’t launch, you are enabling him.
I know that many parents out there have kids who never launch. Perhaps they’ve been living with their parents ever since high school, and now as adults, they control the house. Let me be clear: if your child is controlling your house, then you are allowing yourself to be controlled. And if your kids have never left, it’s because you have allowed them to stay.
I’ve worked with many clients over the years with adult kids living at home. Typically, the more parents feel controlled by their children, the more parents will try to control their children. A power struggle ensues, which is what you don’t want.
When you’re feeling controlled, you have a few choices. You can get “reactive to your child’s reactivity,” and watch things escalate, or you can try to be objective and thoughtful about how you want to handle the situation. Saying things like, “You’ve been here for three years! When are you going to get a job?” is reactive and will result in a battle of will and control. Instead, speak in more direct terms: “What’s your plan for getting a job? Please think about it and let’s talk after dinner tomorrow night.”
Kids with Disabilities
Launching can be a very difficult process for kids with ADD, ADHD or other issues. Some kids need help cooking and taking care of an apartment and doing housework. Nevertheless, the goal is for your child to be as autonomous as possible. And you have to be especially careful not to over-function if your child has a disability.
Many parents of kids with disabilities will over-function as a way to manage their own anxieties. And kids with disabilities may be tempted to use their disability as an excuse not to leave home.
I understand how hard it is to know where to draw these lines as a parent. I think the key is to stop focusing on what’s wrong with your child. Focus on what’s right with your child and many parents find that their kids are very capable despite their disabilities.
Dealing With Anger and Frustration
When your adult child is living in the house with you, you feel imposed upon. And he feels like he’s being treated like a kid. Even under the best circumstances, there can be lots of annoyances when you live together as adults.
Therefore, don’t get caught up in who is right and who is wrong. Instead, take responsibility for your behavior and how you manage your anger and irritation.
It’s normal to lose it from time to time and have a fight. But your children, no matter how old, can be very sensitive to your anger. So try to stay calm when you’re frustrated and, if necessary, walk away and finish the conversation later when you’ve had a chance to calm down.
The way to deal with anger is to use clear “statements of self.” Make yourself clear and put it out there. You’re not attacking your child, rather you’re telling your child directly why their behavior is a problem. You can say to your child:
“When you use the car without asking, I don’t like it.”
“When you make a mess and expect me to clean up after you, I feel like you don’t appreciate being here. That doesn’t work for me.”
Related content: Calm Parenting: How to Get Control When Your Child is Making You Angry
Parental Roles: Manager vs. Consultant
When your child is young, you can think of yourself as a manager. You are involved in his day-to-day life in a very “hands-on” kind of way.
But as your child grows and becomes an adult, you’re more of a consultant. That means you talk to him about what’s going on like a consultant for a business might. Or like an adult acquaintance. Indeed, he is an adult even if he doesn’t yet act the part. So you can be helpful and check in, but you’re not looking to give unsolicited advice. You may say something like the following:
“How are things going? Can I be helpful to you?”
This doesn’t mean that you don’t hold your child accountable. On the contrary, you should define boundaries very clearly and let him know that you intend to stick to them. But you’re also giving him some degree of respect and autonomy. You may say to your child:
“This is what I expect of you living here. This is what belongs to me. Here are the things you are free to use.”
What Are You Ultimately Responsible For?
If your adult child lives at home with you and you’re feeling overwhelmed or out of control, I think you have to ask yourself this question: “What am I ultimately responsible for?”
Know that you are not responsible for your child’s choices in life. And if you think you are responsible for his choices then you create a dynamic where your child doesn’t learn to function for himself. So, stop trying to figure out how you can get your child to do something and instead ask yourself “What can I do for myself?”
When you try to control somebody else, no matter what their age, it is simply going to backfire and hurt your relationship. Remember, the only person you can control is yourself.
In Part 2 of “Adult Child Living at Home?” Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC will discuss concrete ways for you to talk with your child about responsibility and their future. She’ll also give you ideas on how to ease them out of your house and onto their own two feet.
Related content:
“Where Did I Go Wrong?” How to Handle Feeling Disappointment with Your Adult Child
About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC
For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.
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So I have my 20y son,his 20y gf and their 1yo living with me, I also have a 18yo son and a 11yo son living with me. My oldest and his gf cook a couple of times a week and do their own washing and when I ask will stack the dishwasher, the 18yo does nothing unless it helps himself and has tantrums when things don't go his way, the 20yo don't clean up the kitchen after they have made a mess and he also try to act like he is the boss of the house. The 20yo says they are trying to find their own place but I don't feel like they are. The 18yo is hardly at home because of the mess that the 20yo leaves around the house and therefore isn't really looking after his cat that is peeing on everything and scratching the lounges.
I am so lost at what to do, I have tried telling them to clean their mess up/going crazy at them and they do for a few days but back to normal, the 18yo i have tried to talk to him about his tantrums but nothing changes.
I am lost and feel like I am back in a relashionship with their dad and have no voice or control.
I have a 33 year old Stepson living at home for past 4 years. He guilts his dad about his childhood and manipulates, controls him. I know my husband knows it's wrong having him with us with: No car, No job, but he always enables. Both Father and Son are in denial about enabling.
I am a vocal woman, they both know how I feel. I've done what I can for myself as far as: anxiety meds, self-help, praying.
It's going on 3 years for me living with this, his Dad 4 years.
What do I do now??
Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. Your situation is a bit outside our scope. Our focus is on parents of children between the ages of 5 and 25. If you live in the US or Canada, you may find it helpful to contact the National 211 Helpline to see what types of services and supports are available in your area.
The 211 National Helpline is a referral service available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services available in your area such as counselors, therapists, support groups/kinship services as well as various other resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging onto 211.org (211.ca in Canada.)
We wish you and your family all the best moving forward. Take care.
Welcome to Empowering Parents. I can understand your distress. This is a bit outside the scope of what we are able to offer coaching or advice on. I encourage you to see what types of local supports may be available to help you and your family. If you live in the US/Canada, you could contact the 211 National Helpline, a referral service available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services available in your area such as counselors, therapists, support groups/kinship services as well as various other resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging onto 211.org.
We appreciate you reaching out. Take care.
I have a 28 year old son who is a college graduate...finally. He changed his major so many times that he's lucky he got to graduate with an "Individual Studies" degree. Since he's been going to school forever, we felt that for him to get any kind of degree would have at least made it worth all the money invested. We paid for his school.
He now has a job that doesn't pay well, but it full time with health benefits. He hates it and wants to just quit because "it is effecting his relationship with his girlfriend." Unfortunately, we have spoiled him.
To help him get on his feet, we are paying his car lease, insurance and phone. To help him out, I did his laundry and made his lunch. My husband has repeatedly asked him for some money to help with payments, but he has a fit and says he doesn't make enough money.
As I said above, he wants to quit this full time job and look for another. He has been looking but nothing has really materialized. Now my husband and I are at odds with each other because I want him to know that he can't just quit and expect us to continue to help him. If he quits, he has no health insurance which is my biggest concern, not to mention him sitting around "looking for another job." He is a slob and doesn't help out at home at all.
I know that we have enabled him, but how do you force your kid to make payments at least? How can we force him not to quit his job until he has another?
My 22 year old daughter is graduating from college next month. Instead of going straight to grad school, she is leaving the job she had at school (her choice to work, not ours), moving back into our home until she finds a job and eventually get an apartment with her boyfriend who is also graduating next month and from our home town (they have been together almost 4 years). He's worked to put himself through school while living with his parents (no financial support from them) and he is now 25 years old. He's a nice young man and treats my daughter very well. He plans to continue his education and work while she has a "gap year".
A year ago, we discovered - after her dad and I made clear we didn't approve - she had driven home to spend the night with her boyfriend at his parent's home. We had warned her if she did, we refused to financially enable her to do something we disagreed and she would start paying for her own car, car insurance and gas. Needless to say, it was a major family blow up. Also, she's made no secret her boyfriend has driven to her school many, many times over the past 3 1/2 years and spent the weekend. We don't really like it and she knows it, but we just overlook it, although sometimes it feels like she flaunts it to our face by repeatedly mentioning it.
We would prefer they not move in together but if she is on her own, it's her decision. The problem: We're still uncomfortable with the idea of her spending the night with her boyfriend at his parents house or "accidentally" falling asleep over there until 3:00 am (which has happened several times). We know we need to address this issue before she moves home.
I've told her many times, once she moves out and is financially independent (aka has a job and lives out from under our roof) she can do whatever she wants. She's a good daughter (graduating with double major with a 3.9 GPA, is a hard worker, doesn't do drugs, etc.) But we know this is going to come up when she moves back home. I've told her if I could make myself "not care" about this, I would but I can't. Is it asking too much (I'm asking this sincerely) that while she's living with us, can she just abide by this "request" for the sake of keeping the peace? FYI: we also have a 19-year old son living at home while he goes to school and works, so our actions/discord effects him too. And it does effect him greatly: he's very close to his sister but totally understands our expectations. He's really caught in the middle. Also, if he had a girlfriend, we would feel the same way: it's disrespectful of her and her parents. Please advise.
I was married a little over two years ago to my husband who has 2 daughters. I waited until his girls were over 18 and on their own to marry him. In spite of this, I insisted upon a bedroom available for when his girls visited or in case one of them ever needed a place to stay. Almost one year ago, his 21-year-old daughter moved in with us very suddenly after an abusive encounter with her live-in boyfriend. We provided her a safe place to stay to get her out of the potentially dangerous situation she was in. The huge problem is we did not have the opportunity to set rules and boundaries before she moved in. She has been lazy, disrespectful, and unwilling to do chores on a regular basis. She came with 2 cats that she acquired when living on her own, and, with the exception of feeding them on most days, she does almost nothing to care for or clean up after her cats.
The largest problem is that I am her new step-mother, have never lived with her prior to this, and her father has been involved but has not lived with her full-time since she was 8 years old. This is constantly used as an excuse to guilt her father into letting her get away with not doing things around the house. We have asked for very basic chores, keeping her room clean, taking care of her cats, and cleaning up after them and herself. She will do the chores only when reminded and then holds it against both of us if she doesn't get the proper praise for doing them.
My question is we want to give her a contract that outlines what we expect of her along with a time frame for moving out (she does now have a full-time job) but how can I be assured that my husband will stick to it and not let her guilt him into going against what he knows, and admits, is the right thing to do?
Good advice here, but my adult kids don't respect my boundaries, and my husband just hides. So I feel angry, worried and hopeless quite often. I really hate this cycle, so I just withdraw.
I feel like if I just didn't notice my daughter's mess and my son's sleeping all day, everyone would be fine.
My GF is 58. Her 40 YO daughter plays mom against dad, moves between two housholds regularly (to "who loves me" more). Currently living with mom (for now). She ?refuses? to allow me to come to mom's house. (she has no food, she only alows tofu as the only source of protein; no meat/chicken/fish. daughter watches Netflix 5 hrs/day on the only sofa. Gets crowded. She attends theme parks 4x/mo with LGBTQ boyfriend. That's the only person she approves of in?her? house. She comes to my house 50 wknds/yr. I'm going up this weekend...we'll see......I'm wearing a flack jacket just in case she exerces "stand your ground" [just by me being there].
I can't tell if mom is landlord? hostage? or inmate.
So I have my 32 y/o so and his family, living in the guest house and will not take responsibility to pay bills. Every month it's a different excuse, when it comes time to pay the bills. We only charge him $600 a month, which includes the guest house, full kitchen, walk-in closet, cable TV, free WI-FI gas, electric and water utilities and they also have access to the laundry room, which we're lucky if they even buy laundry detergent. When they run short of food, they make their way to mom and dad's side of the house to help themselves to free grocery shopping. As of today, they have moved in my daughter in laws three nephews for a two week visit (guessing we'll be providing fit them as well.
What do I do to get them to take in some responsibility??
I've been reading through the various scenarios, looking for
one similar to my own, but without good success. So here's my story.
Our youngest daughter (30 years old) attended just a little
over one year of college after graduating from high school. Since then she's been in and out of a few
relationships, the most recent of which lasted for over five year. Approximately six months ago she asked if she
could come home while they took a month's trial separation. Ultimately the decision was to end the relationship.
Her ex continued to pay for everything for her up until the
end of 2016. In November we made her an
offer that starting in January, out of a savings account we had designated for
her further education or possible wedding, we would pay for her car insurance,
health insurance, and give her a little spending money IF she fulfilled a set
of goals (look for and get a job, find car and health ins., look for ways to
reduce her expenses, go to counseling, be transparent about her finances). Since then she has done nothing. And we recently found out that she owes her
sister almost $600.
When we try to talk to her about it, she either says she
"will" or just gets angry. We
would like to tell her she is no longer welcome in our home, but we have sincere
worries about what would happen to her since she has no money or friends in a
position to take her in. It doesn't seem
to me that we are asking anything unreasonable from her, and I do not
understand why she just sits in her room all day and waits to be called to
dinner.
We also have a 34-year-old daughter who has always lived at
home. She pays room & board and
helps around the house. Needless to say,
she is becoming resentful that her younger sister seems to get all of the same
benefits w/o lifting a finger or paying a cent.
I think I feel hurt as much as anything, because I would
think just from a sense of gratitude, she would at least be helpful around the
house -- especially since she has nothing else to do.
Where is the instruction manual?
What if you are the stepmom just got married in September 2nd marriage.
Son is 32 and the girlfriend moved in without anyones permission.
After renovating house and son and girlfriend live rentfree all basics provided. Keeps saying he will graduate, 4 AAs later and switches major last spring.
They arent used to cleaning up so me moving in and asking them to clean up their dishes or wipe down counters,or clear up area where the 5 yo left food is so much for them. Their only 2 required chores are to bring recycle out once a,week and trash once a week.
She the GF started emailing my husband to get him on our side. Multiple emails later a family meeting all of us are good except her.
She feels entitled to live here after more rude emails.
We have told the don she can stay ovrr 3 nights a week. They feel she should be able to live here because they want to be a family.
I feel once they have full time jobs and can pay for the roof over their head they can does t mean we have to allow it.
She is fake, passive aggressive and manipulative.
Help! Love my husband but he doesnt see how his son thinks everything is about him.
my 33 year old daughter and my 3 granddaughter moved in 3 months ago . my daughter left a 14 year abusive partner . at first i o er functioned for the kids but my daughter is akways on the phone. finally told her she had to help . now my apt is a mess cause she wont pi k up clothes. i wash her dishes if i lea e for a few days cause she will keep rhem piled up and stinking . if i mention anything aboutit she tells the kids i dont love them or want them there. i had to make appointments for her gyno and psychiatrist. i am diagnosed bipolar depressed and i got out of hospital for
this a week before she moved in . i k ow she has depression also but i dont know where to draw the line. we jist stay mad at each other HELP Im reAlly concerned about my grandkids
Some of these parents are controlling, physically, verbally and
emotionally abusive, manipulative, that is why the adult child is living
at home -because they've been mentally broken since childhood. I
returned to my parent's home after 20 years living independently. My
car was totaled in an accident and without transportation I lost my job,
so with my infant child, my narcissist 'mother' suggested that I could
come live with her and use her spare car to start over, get a job,
etc...I move 2600 miles to her house and a week later she sells her
spare car! So, now I'm trapped at her house with no way to leave. She
lured me to her house just to have control over me and my child and she
lords over the house as if I owe her while she's made my life a living
hell. I received two separate job offers, but realized that I
wouldn't be able to work because she refused to front me the money for 3
weeks of childcare(which I would pay back with my first check) even
though she and brother said they would. She didn't want me to have
independence. She wanted to keep me trapped and isolated, so she could
have access to my son. She treated me like a nanny to my own child. She
wouldn't let me drive her car, so I had to ask her for rides and she
would decide if I "deserved" to go anywhere. It's been almost 4 years
and I've finally saved enough money to get the h3ll out of here, by
doing work online. This is a warning to anyone that has ever been the
family scapegoat: never return to your parent's home; there is nothing
good for you there. Have enough faith in yourself to tough it out on
your own.
Frankiejonay I would give him a set amount of time, give him a notice to move and on that day kick him out. Warn him 1 month in advance, warn him again at one week the day you intend for him to move. Get it in writing so you can show the police the eviction notice. Then just do it. Call the police if you have issues exiting him from the home. My son is bipolar(I mean a nasty, mean, rapid cycling bipolar) and we had to do this to him and his cousin too and he is 26 now and making his way. Assure your son that you love him but you gave him plenty of time to prepare.
It sucks but I am sure he has a friend whose sofa he can crash on. This is not your problem that he is failing to launch and he is being codependent. I just served my 19 year old daughter a notice to move because she and her husband are filthy lazy people. Her husband works and she goes to school but I am not going to put up with her husband urinating all over my house, splattering his bloody noses all over and not cleaning up, sleep walking and sleep eating all our food (maybe) and leaving clothes and food, plates, empty food wrappers and stuff all over the floor. In fact they are being exited Dec 15 and I am not going to feel bad about it. Not my problem after that.
Good luck.
From a mom of 5 of which 3 are adults.
Kimberly
This website doesn't seem to deal with the side I'm looking for, but maybe you can direct me to some resources that would help from my end? I'm a young adult woman (25 years old) who has tried to teach myself to develop general adult life skills but just haven't been successful in many ways. My inability to accomplish some of those things -- like how to search for, find, apply/interview for a job or how to find a place to live -- now seem daunting and overwhelming. Part of this is due to what you described with over-functioning, which is the sort of relationship my parents and I have had since my childhood. It may also have to do with the fact that I have ADD, although I have trouble admitting that as a possibility because that feels like I'm discounting my own responsibility. It's not that I don't have the skills to BE independent; it's that I don't have the skills to LEARN to be independent, and I want to.
Until recently I lived with roommates in an apartment, hoping that forcing myself into a semi-independent living situation would foster independence in other areas (like a steady income), but that didn't happen and I've just returned to my parents house because the apartment was an unhealthy environment. This website is obviously dedicated to helping parents with difficult children. I'm wondering if you know of resources for the difficult children themselves. Life skills classes, life coaching therapists who focus on skill-building rather than talk-therapy, dietitians who help clients develop day-to-day meal plans, etc. I know I'm not lacking the ability, just the know-how to implement it: If someone told me what I need to eat regularly to stay healthy, I'm very capable of buying those ingredients, cooking those meals in advance, cleaning up after myself, and everything else that entails.
(I'm in the tristate area, in case you know of site-specific resources, but obviously that's a long shot.)
Mariems
We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and
sharing your story.I hear how concerned
you are for your sibling and his family. Because we are a website aimed at
helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and
suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role. It may be
helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing
your particular issues, such as http://www.familylives.org.uk/. They can give you information on the types of support services
available in your area such as counselors, support groups, kinship services as
well as various other resources. You can reach them by calling 0808 800 2222 or
by visiting their website. We wish you the best going forward. Take care.
My 25 year old son lives with me. He was home from work for a week due to an on the job injury and his 24 year old girlfriend, who is not working and lives home with her own mom stayed with us for over a week until this morning, because her mother had gone to visit an older sister out of state. I was really upset and disappointed with this girl's behavior and what I saw as her lack of good manners and said so to my son in her presence, which 'hurt her feelings' and caused her to cry and call her mother to pick her up this morning. Now my son is upset with me, but i do not think I was wrong in the way I feel.
I was upset with what I thought was her complete lack of manners and houseguest etiquette. She never once in 9 days offered to help prepare a meal while she was here or asked if she could help, never paid for any groceries or contributed in any way; and the first few nights even had the nerve to ask what time dinner would be served, without offering to help prepare it. She started eating before every one was seated at the table and before I said Grace, which I do say before meals whether others join me or not. She also left the table when she was done eating, even it others were still eating; left her dirty dishes and silverware on the table and never offered to help clean up or even put her own dishes in the dishwasher. She had her cell phone at the table and was rude enough to be texting during meals until I said that was not allowed in my home. She had my son do her laundry. Any time there was any kind of household chores to be done, she would disappear into my son's bedroom with her cellphone and keep out of the way. In general, I felt that she acted like a paying guest in a hotel with maid service, and not someone staying in the home of her boyfriend's family. I told my son that she absolutely had to help with the regular Saturday vacuuming, mopping and cleaning the house, while I had errands to run, and apparently she did help do some of the vacuuming "until her back started to hurt and she had to stop" according to my son. In the past 2 years, I had a double mastectomy, chemo and radiation and am feeling much better, but not yet 100%. I also suffer from sciatica, which can be excruciating at times, but I try not to let it slow me down too much and I keep a clean house. I also had to pick up after her dog pooped and peed in my house 3 times! I have several dogs of my own and know that accidents happen, but she should certainly have cleaned up after her own dog. In fact, the only thing she did do while she was here was to walk her dog occasionally. He won't admit it, but I know her dog pooped on his bedroom rug as well. Am I the 'bad guy' here for being outraged at this girl's behavior and having the nerve to say so in her presence?
My son is very upset with me at the moment and says she will tell everyone he works with what a horrible person I am (she used to work there also and knows many of his friends). I really don't care, but I do care that my son not be involved with the type of girl who gas such poor manners and can't or won't lift a finger to help out and expects to be waited on. I love my son and don't want to see him waste his life with this type of woman. Am I wrong?
AmIaMeanMom
I hear how frustrated you were with your son’s girlfriend, and the way she behaved
while she was staying with you.As
pointed out in https://www.empoweringparents.com/blog/i-really-dont-like-my-teens-boyfriend-girlfriend/, trying to make your
son see his girlfriend from your perspective is unlikely to be effective, and
could actually strengthen their relationship.Instead, I recommend focusing on what you do have control over, which
are your own actions and responses.For
example, you might be very clear at the outset what your house rules are, and
what you expect from house guests when they are staying in your home.Take care.
@Asianwoman
I hear you.It can be
so difficult when you are fully supporting your adult child, yet he treats you
disrespectfully in return.Ultimately,
your son is an adult, and so anything you decide to provide to him is
considered a privilege, including a place to live.I hear your concern that your son might try
to harm himself if you tell him to leave.You might find it useful to talk with a http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/india-suicide-hotlines.html to discuss your concerns, and help you develop a plan to
keep your son safe.If you decide to
allow your son to continue living with you, I encourage you to https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ which outlines your expectations for his behavior
while he is in your house.I recognize how
challenging this must be for you, and I wish you all the best moving
forward.Take care.
@Lisa
I hear your frustration with your son’s behavior, and the various
responsibilities of his which you fulfill without much appreciation.At this point, it could be useful to
determine your own boundaries, and what you are and are not willing to provide
to your son at this point.In addition,
you might find it helpful to sit down with your husband and your son during a
calm time, and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ which outlines your expectations for his behavior
while he is living with you.I recognize
how challenging this must be for you, and I wish you all the best.Take care.
Aileen01
It can be very stressful when you witness your child
engaging in inappropriate behavior, and I’m glad that you are here reaching out
for support. Something to keep in mind is that a parent’s role changes
from a manager to a consultant when a child becomes an adult, as Debbie points
out above. In other words, instead of trying to “make” your daughter
follow through on getting a job, or create better habits for herself, it tends
to be more effective to set your boundaries, and communicate those clearly to your
daughter. One way to do that is to https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ with her, which outlines your expectations for her
behavior while she is living with you. I recognize how difficult this
situation must be for you, and I hope that you will write back and let us know
how things are going for you. Take care.
I'm writing this in hindsight. I was a single mom with an Higher Functioning Autistic Disorder son.
My therapist, (who had seen a lot in her day), warned me that if I did not take advantage of the placement program, (to help him get his own apartment), offered by the School-to-Work program, I would never get him out. His teacher told me that help would still be available later to get him out on his own, so I allowed him to stay a couple years after graduation, so he could take classes at the community college.
The classes never happened, and the two years that I had agreed to turned into nine, with my son dragging his feet the whole way.
At one point, I broke up with my long-term boyfriend. Before my ex had even driven out of sight, my son smiled, puffed out his chest, and started in, "Now that I'm the man of the house..." He started trying to lay down the law, (even tried to impose a curfew on me), and it was clear that he had no intention of EVER leaving. It was as if a mask had come off. Over the next couple of years, he took up the habit of racing me to the phone, and if it was a man who called, he would tell him that he had the wrong number, and hang up. I was at the end of my rope, and had given serious thought to ending my life.
A couple of years later, I was able to move him out into a spare room at my ex's new home. This was accompanied by his comments about how I was "kicking him out," and howls from my mother about how I was "throwing him to the wolves."
He had known this man for 20 years.
A few days layer, I went to take him grocery shopping. He came out of the house beaming, and said, "Mom, this is great. We should have done this years ago." I had suffered greatly over that 9 year period. Please don't let this be you.
My son has had his own apartment for over ten years now. He loves his privacy and sovereignty. I don't believe that he would ever have developed this well as an independent adult if I had allowed him to stay longer.
Thank you jenniflower. If he is about to turn 21, see if there is a program available to help him get his own place. They can lend support to help him make that change more smoothly. In my city, 21 was the cutoff age. I wasn't told until it was too late.
Also, if he is trying to play "man of the house," there is a twist. I googled Oedipus Complex in autism, just on a hunch, and saw an article entitled, " The Oedipus Complex at the Autistic Level." I can't tell you much about it. I was not able to access and read it, because I am not a professional, but the fact that the article even exists answered my question. He was 26, but didn't want me to date anyone, (thus the sabotage).
I am NOT a professional, but it is my feeling that this makes it even more important to get the process started in a timely fashion, and it also seemed to help mine with building his own, separate identity. He was very dependent.
A49ERSFAN62
It sounds like you are in a pretty challenging living
situation right now, and I’m glad that you are reaching out for support.
At this point, it could be helpful for you and her mom to talk privately about
expectations for her daughter and her boyfriend while they are living with
you. You might consider https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ which outlines these expectations so everyone involved is
on the same page. In addition, it’s typically more effective when the
biological parent takes the lead in setting and enforcing limits, so I
encourage you to take on more of a supportive role for your girlfriend and have
her talk directly to her daughter about the rules moving forward. I
recognize how frustrating this must be for you, and I wish you all the best
moving forward. Take care.
My wife and I have been married for just over a year. We just bought a new house as a couple and while we were going through settlement, my wife said that her son who was living off campus was going to move in with us until he graduates next June 2017. This way he can pay for his car payment which she has been paying for the past 3 years along with his insurance and cell bill. He works part time as an RN until he graduates then full time. He also brings his girlfriend for overnights and it makes me feel like I'm allowing this against my better judgement. My wife will not listen to me when I complain and it's very much affecting the way I feel about her and my house. I feel like I'm being pushed out and cannot even stand being home. Not sure what to do at this point and I'm becoming seriously depressed and angry.
John
In PA
jcromonic
I hear you. It sounds like you are in a very difficult
situation with your wife, and I understand your feeling hurt and angry.
Parenting differences are quite common in most families, and they can be even https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-blended-family-wont-blend-help-part-i-how-you-and-your-spouse-can-get-on-the-same-page/. A recommendation I often give is to talk
privately with your wife during a calm time to try to find common ground.
Sometimes, it can be useful to involve a neutral third-party, such as a
marriage/family counselor, to help you come to an agreement. For
assistance locating these and other supports in your community, try contacting
the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222.
Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going. Take
care.
myrawlife
We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and
sharing your story. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become
more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can
give to you regarding your marriage. It may be helpful to look into local
resources to help you develop a plan for addressing your issues with your
husband. The 211 National Helpline is a referral service available 24 hours a
day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services
available in your area such as counselors, therapists, support groups as well
as various other resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling
1-800-273-6222 or by logging onto http://www.211.org/. We
wish you the best going forward. Take care.
Overwrought Mom
I speak with a lot of parents who are frustrated with their
young adult’s behavior in the home; you are not alone. At this point, it
might be helpful to talk with your son during a calm time, and set some
expectations about cleanliness, as well as discuss where he can work on these
mechanical projects. You might find it useful to set these expectations
in writing, such as https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/, after your conversation with him. Please let us
know if you have any additional questions. Take care.
Over Wrought
I am so sorry to hear about your situation with your
son. The fact is, you have the right to be safe, and free from abuse,
violence and intimidation in your home. Although I hear your son is
struggling with addiction as well as psychiatric issues, there is no excuse for
abuse, and it’s OK to set some boundaries with him. For example, you
might set up https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ which outlines your expectations for his behavior in
return for the privilege of staying in your home, or having his financial needs
met. I also encourage you to develop a safety plan which you can
implement if your son is under the influence of substances and starts to
threaten you. Sometimes, it can be helpful to involve local resources,
such as https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-talk-to-police-when-your-child-is-physically-abusive/ or local crisis services, in writing up this plan. The http://www.211.org/ can be a great place to start
finding these and other services in your community which might be able to help
you stay safe. You can contact them by calling 1-800-273-6222. I
recognize how difficult this must be for you and your family, and I wish you
all the best as you continue to move forward. Take care.
Penny U
I'm sorry you are having much trouble I too had this issue with my two kids, one thing helped them understand that I was having problems with them staying out late and not coming back is I used some great words. "I am having a hard time myself when you go out and stay out and not let me know whats going on. I have loved you since you were an infant and you grew up but I still see you as my child. When you don't call or check in it gives me anxiety that I don't know where you are if anything happens to you or myself. I want to be able to have a relationship where we can tell each other whats going on. If I stay out late or I go away for a day or two you want to know where I am don't you? What if you came home from one of your over nighter's and I was gone...not a word gone for another day would you worry? Even if you didn't worry that is not how I am made up, I need to know you are safe. I asked you to please understand and respect the rules of the house, keeping in touch and telling us where you are and when you will be home is just being respectful. Even if its just a text message it helps ease the concern, I care what your doing but you don't have to share it if you don't want to share it." This pretty much what I did with both my kids, and we all now text and type and call and let each other know where we are and what we are doing.
very upset
It can be very upsetting when you have an adult living in
your house who does not appear to take responsibility for his own actions, or
help out. If you have not already done so, I encourage you to https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-blended-family-wont-blend-help-part-i-how-you-and-your-spouse-can-get-on-the-same-page/ during a calm time about the expectations for your
stepson while he is living with you. Once you both come to an agreement,
it could be useful to develop a https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ which outlines what your rules are. Because this is your
stepson, it could be more effective if his biological parent takes the lead in
setting boundaries and enforcing rules for his behavior. I recognize how
frustrating this must be for you, and I hope that you will write back and let
us know how things are going. Take care.
Hi I have a son he is 26 but functions at 8-14 due to autism. We had carbon monoxide poisoning. He also had intermittent explosive disorder. I have been given guardianship papers they have him as incompetent.
Today he had a doctor appointment with his psy doc, he refused to go. Had a massive outburst on the scale of getting in my face as well as my Mom's. Screaming at me calling me names. Kicked and punched jis bedroom door breaking it. When he had it locked i told him i would break it down. He still refused to come ouy and go. I went to the doctors appointment and he told me to put him back on his one med.
When he woke me up at 1am he told me his door is broke. I told him we are taking the door off and putting a slider. He started yelling at me how dare I it is his door and he spoke to people that he is allowed privacy and it is his door. I told him our house our ruless. Apparently he isn't getting that. Am I allowed to remove the door? His friends are saying different. Does anyone know?
It was a nightmsre day. The doctor told me what I need to do with his meds. So hopefully he will calm down. I told him the doctor said to call him when he is calmer but he started swearing again. Smh
EmpoweredKindof
I am sorry to hear you are
struggling with your son’s behavior. Because of your son’s level of functioning
and diagnosis, we would recommend continuing to check in with his local
treatment team about any questions or concerns you may have. They are in a
better position to guide you when it comes to managing his behavior because
they have had a chance to evaluate him and work with him. Thank you for
reaching out, and we wish you well as you continue to work through this.
Candace 78
I am so sorry to hear about your situation, and the numerous
negative experiences you have endured over the past few years. Because we
are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are
limited in the advice and suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct
parenting role. It may be helpful to look into local resources to help you
develop a plan and help you work through your options. The 211 National Helpline
is a referral service available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you
information on the types of support services available in your area such as
counselors, housing services, employment assistance as well as various other
resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging
onto 211.org. We wish you the best going forward. Take care.
@Sharon
Thanks for writing in. One resource you might find
useful in your search is the 211 Helpline. 211 is a service which
connects people with resources in their local community. You can contact
them by calling 1-800-273-6222, or by going to http://www.211.org/.
You might also consider searching for online support groups if that would be
more convenient. I hope this has been helpful. Take care.
@HAC
Many parents struggle with the decision to ask their adult
child to leave, and it tends to be more complex when grandchildren are
involved. I encourage you to keep in mind that you have the right to be
safe from abuse and intimidation in your home. In the end, though, you
are the only one who can determine whether this is the right choice for
you. As you mentioned that you do not have a lot of support, this might
be a good next step to take. For information about structured supports in
your community, such as a parenting support group or counseling, try contacting
the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222. I
recognize how difficult this situation must be for you, and I hope that you
will check back and let us know how things are going for you. Take care.
HELP!
Our 34 year old son still lives at home, he has back issues, bipolar and some other health problems. He hasn't worked in 4 years, says he's in too much pain to hold a job. He sees a family doc once a month for his prescription meds including pain pills and he is on the state insurance which pretty much pays for that. He had back surgery 4 years ago and he was pretty good then but his job would not hire him back...??? So he rode the unemployment wave until that ran out.
So now he is borrowing money from me, until he thinks he can get Social Security Disability, which I haven't seen anything come in the mail from them for about a year, he also says he called one of those lawyers that advertise on TV that will help you with your claim but I have seen nothing from them. To top it all off....his girlfriend moved in here too a year and a half ago, temporarily, because she was kicked out of her apartment and now she's on workman's comp. cause she was injured on the job 5 months ago from a minimum wage job!
So I now have 2 bums living in our house, they do absolutely nothing because they're both injured and in too much pain! Everytime I try to talk to him about moving out he says I'm just trying to upset him, he can't move, he has no money and she doesn't get enough to support herself let alone him too!
I'm at my wits end, I am trapped in my own home with these freeloaders and in a few years I will be old enough to retire but will not be able to afford it! I tip toe around the house as I'm in and out a lot with my job during the day and if I make noise I get yelled at cause they are trying to sleep.
Asking for advice please cause I don't know what I should do, please!
RioBella
Hi there! I am so sorry to hear about the struggles you are
having with your son, and now his girlfriend, as well. It really isn’t fair
that you feel like you are trapped in your own home.Because your son is an adult, and capable of
providing for himself, you are not required to do so, including lending him
money. As long as he continues to have
his needs met, and is able to borrow money from you, it is unlikely he will
change his current behaviors. I would encourage you to look into the housing
laws in your state and find out what the eviction process is, as some states do
require giving notice, even if it is your own child. Until they have reason to
do so, it is unlikely your son and his girlfriend will be motivated to leave on
their own. This can be a tough step for a parent to take, but it is important
to think about your own well-being at this point. Best of luck to you as you
continue to address this issue.
i am now happily re married, but now have three stepkids too. I have
been through too much stress to even go into here. I am a very giving,
kind person who has been taken advantage of all my life. I am like you,
not that person who walks away. BUT, reading your post, if I were not
the perso I am, I would say RUN, not walk. just leave them too it!
I'm so depressed and afraid. I have no family, but not by choice. An only child, my father re married 11 months after my mother died at 52. She's a bipolar woman with at least 3 former marriages who told him to cut off his family (so he cut off his siblings, nieces, and me, my husband, etc). Then we had our only son, which was the happiest I'd been because our son was a delight as a small child, but from his birth I got an autoimmune muscular dystrophy (and 20 yrs later still have disabilities). When our son was in 2nd grade, my husband got cancer. Doctors waited on diagnosis, so he had to battle it for years. He passed away when my son was 16, years after he had changed into a very angry young man who fought us
Our son was already less loving by the cancer diagnosis. He used to have friends, but started acting "smarter," correcting others. He lost his friends by the time my husband's cancer was diagnosed during 2ND grade: telling me "I hate you!" over things I had no control over was the *opposite* of the way he was through grade 1, as was *lying* over both big and small things regularly. I got my son therapy immediately (!), but nothing helped. My husband's battle became hard with our son staying home fighting us over 8 years...He helped out during home hospice at the end, but not with a loving attitude and not consistantly. He would tell outsiders he was a "caregiver" for me too, but seldom did the chores asked, even down to not setting plastic ware to eat dinner (I knew he wouldn't wash dishes). The attitude grew more and more until he might be banging on our door at any hour of night... I was sick, scared, and lost 50 lbs. during the caregiving because I put my heart and soul into it *and still* had to argue on a near daily basis with our son!
The first time I called police, my husband was comatose on the hospice bed in our kitchen, and our son was mocking my illness, laughing at me, and refusing to let me go to bed at 2AM. (he'd offered to sleep on a floor matress by his father's bed to help with the urinal, but often kept me up late because he resented it). Another time I called police was when he took my cell phone and sprayed me with a hose from the sink... other times: banging on my door on and on- refusing to stop, arguing with me in my bedroom refusing to leave, opening the car door while I was driving... The court imposed upon *me* to drag him to therapy again and again until a home MST team saw how bad it was... They told him to leave, but he lied about the free (single),apartment they got for him, saying he'd have to room with "drug users." My husband had been the first to ask him to go (off and on, because he was dying). Now, I've asked him to leave, but I'm disabled. He knows I'm disabled and that I lost all my remaining friends while his father was dying from cancer. His father and I loved each other deeply, and my husband never *once* called me a b*tch, but my son has called me worse, at one point saying I "deserved to die a long, slow, painful death!" (I called police because it sounded awful, but he gave them a "I didn't know what I said" thing). When I kick out my son, I get sick physically but when he doesn't do chores (I can't have company because of the horrible state of the house now), when he tells me off, lies, and breaks his word I get sick too!
Basically, I don't see how I can live much longer in isolation with a son who refuses any regular chores besides giving food/water to a hermit crab (not getting new liner for the cage or cleaning it, though). I got worse after my husband died and now need oxygen. I can't even get up enough steam to sell my house and make new friends. It's been lose/lose and with the last police call (he wasn't going to move out unless I called them), he is back. He's almost 21 and already saying he will not do chores during the school year "not even 10 to 15 minutes" before leaving every day...
HELP?
@Widow
You have a lot on your plate right now. I’m sure it would be
beneficial if your son stepped up and helped out around the house more.
Unfortunately, you’re not going to be able to make him do chores, or help out
in other ways if it isn’t something he’s willing to do. You also don’t have to
continue to provide him a place to live or any other type of support. Your son
is now an adult and you are no longer required to provide anything for him.
This doesn’t mean you have to have him leave tomorrow. You could also develop a
living agreement with him that clearly outlines expectations as well as what
will happen if those expectations aren’t met. You can find more information on
living agreements in the article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/. I would
also encourage you to find out about local resources that may be able to offer
you help and support. It sounds like you are facing many challenges. There may
be services such as personal care attendants, companion services, and other
in-home supports in your community to help you manage your day to day needs.
The 211 Helpline would be able to give you information on these and other
services. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222
or by visiting them online at 211.org. We appreciate you writing in and sharing
your story. Good luck to you and your son as you move forward through these
challenges. Take care.
Freaking out
My 21 year old son called me a few days ago after 4 years. He had just been released from prison and was hungry and homeless. He asked for money. I went to get him. He has had some problems with drugs ( hence the just getting out of prison). He will be staying with my husband and I. He is on parole something I have never had to deal with. The parole officer gave me a list of all these rules, but I don't want my son to run off for me telling him what to do. It's a long sad story like most people I am sure have. I wasn't aloud in his life growing up. His mothers family didn't like my family. He came to live with me when he was 8. A couple of years later his mother wanted him back. I fought for him to stay with me. A DNA was done and at the age of 11 we found out he wasn't mine. I have always wanted to be there for him and now I have the chance without his mother and their crazy family drama in our life. HELP
gweeks74mi
I understand where you’re coming from. After all of this
time away from your son, you want to do what you can to help him and develop a
strong relationship with him. Unfortunately, not holding him accountable for
his choices won’t really help him in the long run and it may end up having a
negative impact on your relationship as well. Your son is now an adult and with
adulthood come certain responsibilities, including obeying laws and meeting
specific expectations. It may be beneficial to sit down with your son and talk
with him about the expectations you have for him while he is living in your
home. You might also consider developing a mutual living agreement with your
son, as outlined in the articles https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-your-adult-child-how-to-set-up-a-mutual-living-agreement/. This will help
establish clear guidelines from the outset. We appreciate you writing in and
wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.
I have a 20 year old son who I have not been able to have a relationship with his entire life. After all this time we have reunited and he wanted to move to be closer to me to build a relationship. Well we agreed to let him stay with us. We have a lease agreement with him and all is working out except for the fact that he carelessly spends money and his rent check bounced. I am at a loss as to how to deal with this relationship I love my son and am so glad he is finally in my life but I feel like I have made a mistake letting him move in. Nothing I read says or suggests how to deal with this delicate situation. He is the youngest of six children and my wife and I are really really ready for our empty nest. Please any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Hopeless in Florida
@Desperate dad
I can hear how distressing this situation is for you. Have
you spoken to your son about the situation? That would probably be the best
first step. Sitting down with your son at a calm time and coming up with a plan
for reimbursement of the past due amount, as well as clarifying expectations
going forward, could be helpful. You might also consider establishing a living
agreement with your son that outlines these expectations, as well as possible
consequences if these expectations aren’t met. For example, you might consider
charging a returned check fee for any returned checks in the future. You could
also let your son know that if
more than 2 or 3 checks are returned for insufficient funds, then he will need
to find another place to live. You can find more information on Living
Agreements in the articles https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-your-adult-child-how-to-set-up-a-mutual-living-agreement/. I hope you find
this information useful for your situation. Be sure to check back and let us
know how things are going. Take care.
Brenlee
Many parents of adult children express similar frustration,
so, you’re not alone. One thing we find to be helpful when adult children move
back home is developing a living agreement. A living agreement outlines for
your child your expectations around things like paying rent, helping out around
the house, and other day to day things. It can also include a timeframe
for things like finding a job and/or moving out. You can find more information
on developing a living agreement with your daughter in the articles Parenting Your Adult Child: How to Set up a Mutual Living Agreement & Ground Rules for Living with an Adult Child (plus Free Living Agreement). The
second article has a Living Agreement template that can be downloaded and
printed out. We appreciate you reaching out to Empowering Parents for help with
your situation. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going.
Take care.
OnTheSidelines
Thank
you for writing in. It is obvious that you care very much about your
neighbor, and want the best for her. Because we are a site that is
focused on working directly with parents to address their child’s behavioral
issues, I am limited in the advice I can provide. If you are concerned
that your neighbor is being subjected to elder abuse, I encourage you to
contact your local police department and/or Adult Protective Services division
and share your concerns. You can find the contact information for these
services in your local phonebook. You can also let her know about the http://www.211.org/, which is an information and
referral service that helps to connect people with resources in their
community. I hope that this information is helpful to you and your
neighbor; take care.
wow, my issues seem trivial compared to what I've read on this site!!! I'm retired, my spouse works, my daughter is 24, a college grad, now working at Disneyland (nothing to do with her major), recently divorced. They moved in with us 3 years ago to save money, but then 8 months ago her husband up and left her. My son is 21. part time college student, has worked 2 jobs before (seasonal work). My issue is my son has been hired as a bouncer for a Nude Strip Club. We've talked to him about the negative possible situations that can and will happen there. But he is set on "trying it out". I can't stop him from making poor choices, but I do worry a lot about his safety. I don't know how to accept it. I want to be supportive, but my inner self just can't find a positive feeling about this job. He's a smart guy and I feel is wasting is life on these jobs he picks. He says he wants to pursue Engineering but I don't see him making any effort in that direction. And my daughter who comes and goes whenever, never helps me with the upkeep of our house. Neither of them have ever paid rent. She's always so arrogant and defensive when I ask her to help out. At lest 4 days a week she stays with my niece in another city. So when she comes home, she just washes her clothes, eats and stays in her room. Once in awhile she'll be in a good mood, but mostly she's either tired or grumpy. I feel like I've failed as a parent. I know they are both adults and need their "space" but I don't interfere with their outside the home activities. I feel like I get no respect, never a "thanks mom" for things I buy them or stuff like putting as in her car when its empty (we bought the car and pay her insurance and all maintenance). I do wish they would move out, but then I like it that I have them around. Sounds dumb, but I'm a mom.
Any suggestions on how I can accept this new job my son has? Any ideas how I can make my daughter more "friendly toward me"? I try to show them I care about them and respect them. I just feel used. All I want is a little kindness, appreciation. My friends give me extreme advise (kick them out) like a few have told me. We do have our good times as a family once in awhile. i guess i should just be grateful they are both healthy and not in trouble.
adellmarie
The transition from teen to adult can be tough on parents.
Newly minted adults can start to make choices a parent has difficulty
accepting. Truth be told, young adults do tend to make choices that may not be
in their best interest. Looking back, I believe we can all remember choices
made, that, in hindsight, may not have been the best decisions. Hopefully, we
learned something from those choices and were able to make better choices later
on. The same holds true for your now adult children. It’s probable they are
going to make choices you don’t like and they may not always behave the way you
would want them to. As a parent, you may want to focus more on taking care of
yourself by developing a self care plan you can implement when you get
upset with their choices. This can include doing an activity you enjoy, meeting
a friend for coffee or perhaps more structured support in the form of a
parenting group or counselor; whatever can help you take care of you while also
allowing them the space to make their own way. I hope you will continue to
check in and let us know how things are going. Take care.
In need of GOOD advice.I am 50 yoa, my wife is bi-polar on many meds and abuses alcohol.She has made several suicide attempts in the
past three years.She has been in/out of
rehab for years. She refuses to work. She
never takes responsibility for her actions and she is very confrontational.
My 19 yoa son is a high school dropout and is also bi-polar
and refuses to take meds.He self-medicates
by smoking weed.He works but I do not
fore see him moving out of my home.He spends
all of his money on weed and is very confrontational / angry.
My 24 step daughter, who is also a high school dropout abuses
zanax and doesn’t work, tells me she is pregnant.She also lives at home.
The bills are adding up.Paying out more than I bring home.
Work also contributes many stressors that I cannot control.
I am overwhelmed!I
should walk away but that is not how I am.How should I cope with all these stressors and many others I have not listed?
Help,
Frank
frank639
You do have a lot on your plate right now. I am so sorry to
hear you are facing such struggles. I’m glad you have taken the time to reach
out to Empowering Parents for help with what sounds like a very troubling time
for you. It can be tough to know what steps you can take to help you cope
with tough circumstances. One thing we often suggest to parents who are
in similar situations is developing a self care plan. Truthfully speaking,
you’re not going to be able to change your family members or the choices they
make. You can however, control how you respond to them,
which in turn can have a positive impact on how those choices affect you. Sometimes things as basic as taking
time out of your day to talk with a friend or do an activity you enjoy can be
very beneficial on your overall well being. Another thing you might
consider is finding out what types of local resources are available. Many
people find talking to a support group or counselor to be a great way of
managing life’s more difficult matters. The 211 Helpline can give you
information on support services in your area. You can reach the Helpline 24
hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222. You can also find them online at http://www.211.org/. In the meantime, you might consider
reading the article Throwing It All Away: When Good Kids Make Bad Choices for more ideas for things you
can do when you start to feel anxious or distressed about the choices the other
members of your family are making. I hope this information is useful. Be sure
to check back to let us know how things are going. Take care.
My 30 year old daughter is living in a house we bought for her three years ago. She had some medical problems and was forced to leave her job. She is seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist for anxiety and depression. She says the therapist thinks she has PTSD from her former job. She has not even tried to get any type of employment because she has been too sick. In the last 3 months she is feeling better and talking about writing a resume and looking into part time work. I would like to see her do more now she's feeling better. Is it out of line to ask her to keep the house clean? I do not live there but it is my house. I would also like to see her do some volunteer work part time; whatever she can handle. I see her sitting around all day watching YouTube videos and Hulu as the dishes sit in the sink and the bathroom begins to resemble an outhouse.
I am not sure what consequences to give her. Please help where you can. Thank you.
I am at my limit! I need help! my son (step son) whom I've raised since he was 9 years old is now 26 and still living at home. He is my son though and I've never called him my step son. I am stuck - I lost my job 2 years ago, my husband of 19 years; his dad is or has been in this funk for few years... he goes to work and comes home. I have a hard time engagin him in backing me that our son should follow house rules in order for this to work while my son gets his life together and move! I recently moved out to try and make my point because it's just too hard. The reality is me trying to move after 19 years with no money, no job and no real place to live with my dog has brought me back home. there is so much to say to explain and this is only my side of the story - but bottom line I am the parent he is the kid and house rules APPLY! I don't agree he should be able to have friends and girls over. My reasoning behind that? he has taken it to extreme. His friends stay for days - his girlfriends stay..for days...weeks! I have no privacy or freedom because I'm worried about strangers walking through my home at all hours.
I'm not even going to be reasonable at this point because he has taken too many liberities and far too much advantage of my niceness. I'm on high blood pressure pills for God sake at 44 yrs old! I say I'm stuck because I'm haveing difficulty expressing my needs through anger here. But also because we need what little rent he gives us right now. He supposed to pay 150 for rent, cook for himself, he does his own laundry and half ass cleans up after himself. My son has only ever held a job for almost a year and messed that up 2 months ago and is rarely working now.
We have 2 roommates... that in itself is a nightmare! and another story.
Meanwhile - his father thinks it's ok for him to have company all the live long day...in and out, in and out. All in my kitchen, eating, cooking, showering, phone it's absurd! Each time I have made it very clear, I don't want company or girls and how it makes me feel. I'm told by my husband and my son, I'm the one that's being unfair and unreasonable. Then when the bills come in and I explain why everything is so high... oh it couldn't possibly be because we have extra people in our home ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY!
I'm trying to be reasonable and adult while trying to explain but I'm so angry from a fight I just had with my son - I feel like if I don't get help I'm going to end up in a padded room or homeless from flat out leaving...again. So bare with me. Ask me questions, offer any advice.. I'm lost and I need help here. thanks
@Fed up Mother
I am very sorry to hear about all
you are dealing with right now. It is all quite a weight to bear when it feels
like you are doing it all on your own. If possible, it may be worth trying to find
a common ground with dad, around one or 2 smaller behaviors you can focus on to
start, and hold your son accountable to following the rules on those behaviors
first. If it is not possible to come to an agreement with dad, then the focus can
shift to self-care. In situations where you have little or no control, it is
important to think about what you do have control of. Making sure you have what
you need is very important. Do you have any local supports for yourself, such
as close friends, family, or even a counselor to talk too? Another option might
be the http://211.org/. You can access them
online or by calling 1-800-273-6222, and they would be able to assist you in
identifying local resources for help with housing, employment, legal services,
and counselors. Thank you for reaching out, and please let us know if you have
any more questions.
pkrjgoss
It is certainly understandable
that you are concerned about your son’s plans to move out with a 36 year old
women. I think it would raise some red flags for many parents. Unfortunately,
you don’t have a lot of control over his choices anymore, especially, now that
he is an adult. Like Debbie Pincus says in the above article, as a parent of an
adult child, you take on more of the role of a consultant rather than a
manager. It is his choice to move out with whomever he chooses whether
you think it is a good decision or not. Expressing to him your apprehension
with his choice will most likely lead to a power struggle and defensive
behavior on his part. You can let him know that you are there to support and
guide him if he needs help solving a problem, but at this point, he needs to
navigate the world for himself. Inevitably, he will make mistakes, but making mistakes
is apart of the learning and growing process. Thank you for your question.
Check back in with us if you have any further questions. Take care.