Are You a Mother or a Martyr?
How Much is Too Much When “Doing” for Your Child?

Without even realizing it, well-meaning parents can turn into martyrs for their kids. I’ve worked with many of them. One woman, I’ll call her “Karen,” stands out. When I met Karen, she was exhausted and frustrated, because she’d been fighting the school, her family and everyone else since her son “Kyle” was born. He had a learning disability and behavioral problems, and by the time he was fifteen, he’d learned that he didn’t have to work very hard to get through the day.

Annoying Teen Behavior:
Kids Who Mock, Imitate and Make Fun of Parents

Some kids make a game of teasing their parents. There are two contexts in which kids can mock, imitate or laugh. One is in the family setting of teasing each other. It happens all the time and it’s perfectly acceptable. But you should have boundaries about how much your kids can tease or mock you. The problem arises when kids tease or laugh at you in order to be disrespectful or rude, and to undermine your authority.

Does Your Child Say This?
“Whatever.”

Kids generally say “whatever” to their parents when they’ve already lost the argument. It’s a final attempt to push the parent’s button and to get back at you in some small way for something that your child doesn’t like. Your best bet is to ignore it. If a kid says ‘whatever,’ the odds are that the point has already been decided and you’re in charge of the situation. ‘Whatever’ is their way of trying to save a little face. If you’ve come out on top, don’t compromise your position by letting them draw you into an argument. To challenge it is ineffective. If you give it power, you’re losing the ground that you’ve gained already.

Temper, Temper: Keeping Your Cool
When Kids Push Your Buttons

Kids grow up watching you for a living, and let’s face it, they learn pretty quickly how to push your buttons. It might be back talk, or constant complaining or eye-rolling, but whatever the behavior, nearly every parent will occasionally lose their temper with their kids.

Hitting, Biting and Kicking:
How to Stop Aggressive Behavior in Young Children

“I’m not allowed to bring Ben to play group anymore,” said Sarah, whose son is now five years old. “The last time we went, he bit another boy who was playing with a truck Ben wanted. And the time before that, he hit a little girl across the face. I try to tell him 'no' but he just doesn’t listen, so I end up apologizing for him. I’m starting to feel like the world’s worst parent because I can’t control him when he acts out.”

Does Your Child Say This?
“I forgot.”

Is your child’s answer to everything, “I forgot?” The fact of the matter is, sometimes children do forget, and certainly a reminder from the parent to do their work or complete a task is appropriate. But when kids use “I forgot” on a regular basis, it becomes a way to justify irresponsible behavior. As an excuse, “I forgot” means the kid is avoiding a certain task or responsibility which they don’t feel they can perform and don’t know how to get help with. Or it could be because they’re being lazy and don’t care about it. Laziness causes as much irresponsible behavior on the part of children as any other explanation. Sometimes laziness can be interpreted as “I’m tired and I don’t feel like it.” Sometimes laziness can be interpreted as “My life’s not going to get better anyway, why should I try?” In either case, laziness doesn’t empower the child to take care of business. So when your child says “I forgot,” you have to say, “Forgetting is not an excuse to justify not doing something.”

Annoying Teen Behaviors: The Constant Interrupter

Interrupting comes from a variety of sources, including over-stimulation, competition with siblings and peers, impulsivity and family patterns of communication. It’s helpful to pinpoint what combination of these factors contributes to the interruption that you’re seeing today. Whatever it is, the most effective thing to do in the moment is to calmly and simply say “Don’t interrupt me until I’m done.”

The Do’s and Don’ts of Divorce for Parents

Divorce is a very complex occurrence that takes place within the family. This article will not attempt to cover all of the many nuances and intricacies involved in dealing with children who are experiencing a divorce. There are therapists who deal specifically with divorces as well as many books written on the effects of divorce on children and on parents. Many towns have programs committed to working with children of divorced families, which can be very effective at helping kids come to terms with what’s going on. All of these options should be considered. I hope this article will offer some useful ideas, but I want to stress the fact that it is not meant as a substitute for a broader understanding of divorce and its effect on parents and children.

When Kids Get Violent: “There’s No Excuse for Abuse”

Violence is the extreme end of aggression. Remember that not all kids who are aggressive become violent. When children and teens use violence to get what they want—whether it’s punching a sibling in the stomach or punching a hole in the wall—it usually involves a scenario where they’re being told “no” to something they want to do, or they’re being told they have to do something they don’t want to do. What actually happens is that the child gets frustrated and angry and hasn’t learned any other way to deal with these feelings than to strike out—often at the adults involved.

Top Annoying Teen Behaviors: Eye-rolling

Most everyone who’s ever been a teenager learns at some point how to irritate their parents to distraction. From eye-rolling to back-talking, teens have a seemingly endless supply of habits that push their parents' buttons. Recently, Empowering Parents asked our readers what the most annoying teen behaviors were, and the answers came pouring in from frustrated parents all over North America. Here, James Lehman, MSW helps you deal with eye-rolling, number 7 on the EP list of “Top Annoying Teen Behaviors.”

Does Your Child Say This?
“You just want to control me.”

When a child says to you, “You’re just trying to control me,” usually he or she is inviting you to a fight. The perception for parents here is that your child is challenging your authority. If you respond to that, you’re giving them more power. Try not to get into a power struggle or screaming match, and don’t deny the obvious. Sometimes parents say, “No, I’m not trying to control you,” when in fact, they really are. Generally, the best thing for you to do is to avoid that fight. Remember, you don’t have to participate in every fight you’re invited to attend.

“Yes, Your Kid is Smoking Pot”
What Every Parent Needs to Know Now

"No one is immune to the disease of addiction," warns Katherine Ketcham, the coauthor of thirteen books, including Teens Under the Influence: The Truth About Kids, Alcohol, and Other Drugs – How to Recognize the Problem and What to Do About It and the bestselling classic Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism. For the last eight years she has worked with addicted youth and families at the Juvenile Justice Center in Walla Walla, Washington.

Does Your Child Say This?
“You’re not my mom! I don’t have to listen to you!”

When you’re raising or helping to raise a child that is not biologically your own, whether you’re a stepparent in a blended family, have adopted or foster children, or are bringing up your grandchildren, kids may sometimes use this fact against you during the heat of an argument. When a child says “You’re not my mom or dad,” what they’re really trying to do is take the power away from you. Focus on what your role is: caretaker. That means you should inform the child what the rules are in your house. The whole idea here is to avoid a power struggle. What the child is doing is inviting you to a fight. And remember, you don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to. Avoid the power struggle, and calmly state what your role is and what the rules are. It's very important that you verbalize no judgments about the biological mother or father. Judgments will only lead to more anger and resentment, which will lead to more power struggles.

5 Simple Concentration Building Techniques
for Kids with ADHD

Imagine that you are living inside of a video game, where everything is coming at you at once and every sight, sound and sensation is a distraction. For a child with ADHD, getting through a typical day is something like that—and it explains a great deal about how they experience the world. Children with ADHD typically have impairment of functions such as concentration, memory, impulse control, processing speed and an inability to follow directions. If you’re a parent of a child with ADD or ADHD, this most likely sounds all too familiar. Over the years, you’ve probably struggled through homework sessions with your child, tried (and failed) to get them to complete certain tasks like cleaning their room or finishing yard work, and on more than one occasion, you’ve probably felt completely drained by their high energy and seeming inability to focus.

Why is My Child Stealing and What Can I Do?
Advice for Parents on Kids, Stealing and Shoplifting

“My fourteen year old daughter was arrested for shoplifting make-up this week,” said Marie, a working mother of two girls. “Is this just normal teen behavior, or is it something more serious? She’s grounded for a month and I’ve taken away her iPod and computer privileges, but to tell the truth, I’m still in shock. I’m furious and I’m not sure how to even talk to her about what she did.”

Girl Fighting and Your Child: What to Do When Your
Daughter is Being Bullied by Other Girls

I recently gave a talk about bullying to a group of parents in my city. Afterward, a nervous-looking dad approached the front of the room to ask me a question. “My daughter is a good kid,” he said, adding that she was just ten years old. “Her friend made this announcement at school last Friday – I think it might even have been a joke at first–she said that nobody should talk to a certain boy in their class. My daughter thought that was stupid, so she walked up to the boy and said ‘Hi’ and talked to him anyway.” The father sighed before continuing. “I was really proud of her…”
But the next day when his daughter came home from school, she was crushed. “She told me that because she had ‘broken the rule’ and spoken to the boy who was being ignored, none of her friends would talk to her.”

Combat CyberBullying: Be a Part of Your Daughter’s Life—
the Real and the Virtual

In this age of MySpace, cell phones and instant messaging, it has never been more important to ensure that you are a part of your daughter’s life: the real and the virtual. It is no surprise that girls are enamored with social communications as a way to make connections and keep in touch. By the time they are ten or eleven, they may be developing their own websites, and creating fun emoticons, avatars, and colorful texts for their emails.

Does Your Child Say This?
“Leave Me Alone!”

Children can be adept at shutting down, and shutting you out—leaving you with unanswered questions and a whole lot of frustration. If you find your child is shutting down every conversation with “Leave me alone!” or “It’s none of your business!”, here are some ways you can handle their response—and make sure the issue at hand gets addressed in the appropriate way without getting into a power struggle.

Stop the Blame Game: How to Teach Your Child to
Stop Making Excuses and Start Taking Responsibility

When parents realize that their child might have either a behavioral or learning problem, the first thing many do is blame themselves. Parents are usually very frightened and worried about their children’s behavior. This fear often manifests itself in negative ways. One of those ways is blame.

Girl Violence in the News (And How to Talk to
Your Child about It)

Last week, two devastating stories about girls hit the national press. In one, a ten-year-old girl was yanked off of the monkey bars by two slightly older girls, who stomped on her head and her hip, causing permanent damage. The other was a videotape of 6 Florida cheerleaders seeking YouTube fame by beating a fellow cheerleader over a period of thirty minutes, causing a concussion and hearing loss, among other injuries. So far, the girls (and some of their parents) are blaming the target for demeaning messages on My Space, and none of the teens has demonstrated remorse.  To make matters worse, this past weekend, staff members of  the “Dr. Phil” show further fanned the publicity flames by posting bail for one of the girls in order to get her on their show  Empowering Parents asked bullying expert and award-winning author Peggy Moss to address these issues, noting, “Even if the press perhaps sensationalizes these events, don’t we still have to address these bullying episodes in order keep our children safe?”

Under the Radar: How Girls with ADHD Go Undetected
And Why the Correct Diagnosis is Important for
Girls and Boys Alike

“I never suspected my nine-year-old daughter’s inability to concentrate was due to ADHD,” said Diane, the mother of three girls. “She isn’t ‘hyper’ or noisy—in fact, just the opposite. Kayla is the middle child—she’s quiet and tends to daydream a lot. We were frustrated because she couldn’t ever seem to concentrate or get her schoolwork done...But we were still really surprised when our pediatrician finally diagnosed her with ADHD last year.”

Teens, Alcohol and Binge Drinking: Why Kids Are
Drinking Hard Alcohol at a Younger Age

It’s Saturday night, and kids all over North America are hanging out at their friends’ houses, watching movies, going to parties. And children as young as 11 are taking their first drink of alcohol—the average age when boys start drinking. For girls, that age is now 13. More and more kids are drinking hard liquor, and an alarming number of those teens and pre-teens are binge drinking, which is defined as consuming 5 or more drinks of any alcohol in one setting for boys, and 4 or more drinks for girls.

Raising Grandkids: What to Do When the Honeymoon Ends

Jan is a sixty-five-year-old grandmother who was given custody of her two grandsons, aged 8 and 15, after her daughter was jailed for drug abuse. “At first, it was a joy to have them in our house,” said Jan, whose grandchildren came to live with her one year ago. “They seemed so happy to be here. But then the real problems started. Now, my older grandson either just plain ignores me or he talks back—I don’t know which is worse. And the younger one is starting to follow suit. I’m starting to wonder where we went wrong.”

How to Navigate the School System When Your Child
Has a Disability

As a parent, there are moments when warning bells go off—times when you notice that your child might be having trouble grasping certain skills that their peers seem to have mastered.

“I don’t Want to Go to School!” And What You
Can Do about It

Nearly every morning before school, Josh, 9, will scream, cry and do anything possible to stay home. “He’ll whine on and on, ‘I don’t feel well. I hate my teacher. School is boring,” say his parents, Suzanne and Rob, who report that they have hit the wall with his behavior. “He used to like school,” said Suzanne. “I’m not sure what happened, but in the last few years it’s become a battle just to get him out the door.”

Stopping a Temper Tantrum in its Tracks:
What to Do When Kids Lose it

It’s a familiar scene: You’re standing in line at the grocery store, almost finished checking out. For the fourth time in a row, your child asks for a piece of candy strategically placed at kids’ eye-level in the checkout line. You’ve repeatedly said no, when suddenly, the tantrum starts. His legs and arms flail, and then he lets go with an ear-piercing scream and begins hitting the floor. Meanwhile, between muffled apologies and frantic bagging, you attempt to get as far away from the store as possible.

Does Your Child Say This?
“You can’t make me!”

At times, children will verbally draw a line in the sand, stare you in the eye and say “You can’t make me.” When they say this, what they’re looking for is a fight, and it’s important not to give them one. By responding with “Oh yes I can,” there’s a threat implied, and it’s only going to further escalate the situation. You’re giving the child control by joining into the fight that you’ve been invited to. It’s important to remember not to engage the child on her level. Instead, respond to your child by taking your emotions out of the equation and focusing back on the matter at hand.

Rules, Boundaries and Older Children
Is It Ever Too Late to Set up a Living Agreement?

This is the third and final installment in a three part series of articles by James Lehman, MSW.

For those parents who haven’t set up a structured agreement when their child turns 18, it’s never too late to set one up. Even if your child is 23, living under your roof and staying out until the wee hours, it’s never too late to sit down with that kid and say, “We’re going to have to have a talk about our rules here and what parts fit you and what parts don’t fit you.” If a kid is 23 years old and he’s not working, he can’t be up until two o’clock in the morning with friends in the house, keeping other people awake. You may feel obligated to provide that child with a roof over his head. But you have the right to let him know that “This is not your home for that anymore. We’re going to bed, we’re tired, we worked all day. If you’re going to live here, you have to live within our rules.” If he tries to put you down for it, you need to put your foot down. If that means taking the car keys, then that’s what it means.

Parents, Get a Clue: What Teens are Really Doing Online
Plus: Tips on How to Talk to Your Teen about Internet
Safety (and a Guide to Using Myspace)

Amber* got onto Myspace when she was 13. “It was easy," she said with a shrug. "All you have to do is lie about your age and give them your email address.” The teen, who is now 15, said, “I guess I accepted a lot of ‘Friends’ to my list without really knowing who they were.” On Myspace, Facebook, Xanga and other social networking sites, the goal is to acquire as many “friends” as possible, a virtual popularity contest that can add up to a whole lot of unknowns. That’s how “Mike,” a man posing as a teen-ager, started messaging Amber. Eventually, he suggested they meet, but before that rendezvous could happen, it emerged that Mike was really a 28-year-old delivery man from a nearby town. Amber had the sense to stop messaging him and remove him from her Friend List, but many other teens and pre-teens haven’t been so fortunate. In Texas, a lawsuit was brought against Myspace by the parents of a fourteen-year-old who was sexually assaulted by a man she met on the social networking site. The suit was dismissed in court, but the problem of how to protect teens online remains.

In Response to Questions about Older Children Living
at Home

There has  been overwhelming response and interest in last month’s article on adult  children. It was viewed over 10,000 times, was our second most emailed article  ever, and has received the most reader comments of any article we’ve ever  published. I must say I’m not surprised about this, since in my private  practice I dealt with many parents who had terrible problems with children who  were over 18 and still living at home. I believe this phenomenon has become a  national problem. As the cost of living goes up, adult children who are not  really prepared for the workforce have to make some sacrifices. Unfortunately  today, kids don’t like making sacrifices and parents don’t want to enforce  sacrifices.

Rules, Boundaries and Older Children

Do you have a child between the ages of 17 and 23 living with you? If you're in constant conflict with an older child over everything from curfews (should they have one or shouldn’t they?) to getting a job to alcohol use, James Lehman offers advice on how to set reasonable limits, and how to coach your child to responsibility and independence. (Part 1 of a 3 part series.)

ADHD and Young Children:
Unlocking the Secrets to Good Behavior

For the parents of a child with ADHD, simple, everyday tasks turn into battles—from getting the child out the door in the morning to getting him to bed at night. My son was diagnosed with ADHD at age 6, so I remember what it was like to have a daily tug of war with an attention disordered child all too well. Parents look for help everywhere.  They may read one book after another and hear a parade of behavioral experts speak who give them parenting tips that don’t seem to work. The more books they read and experts they seek out, the worse their child’s behavior seems to get.

Starving to Death:
Does My Child Have an Eating Disorder?

Michelle’s parents did not address her anorexia until she weighed less than 85 pounds. At 5’10”, she was a skeleton compared to the healthy teen she had once been. “My mom and dad said nothing to me about my weight loss, until one morning at breakfast when my father slammed a stack of pancakes down in front of me and demanded I eat them,” she said. “I refused.” Michelle’s eating disorder began when her older sister died in a car accident. “At first I didn’t want to eat, I was grieving so much. But the subject of my sister’s death was taboo at my house—my parents wouldn't even allow me to mention it. I continued to refuse food because of the pain I was in, and their unwillingness to see it.” Fortunately, after that breakfast table incident, her mother sought treatment for Michelle with a counselor who specialized in eating disorders. “I’m sure it saved my life,” said Michelle.

Does Your Child Say This:
"My Teacher's an Idiot"

Almost every kid will eventually have a teacher they don’t like, but that’s not an excuse for them to refuse to follow the rules of the classroom. When you side with your children in this scenario, believe it or not, you are actually undermining your own authority in the process. The bottom line is that it’s a mistake to denigrate authority figures with your children, even if you agree with them. Read on to see how James Lehman advises you to handle the situation.

Your Child Is Not Your “Friend”

With the best intentions in mind, many parents assume or hope that they can be their child’s “best friend.” But it’s a critical mistake. Your child has plenty of friends. What he needs is a parent. When you attempt to make your child your confidante by sharing all your feelings and thoughts with him, you can actually end up damaging the respect he has for you. If you have been trying to be your child’s best friend and are wondering why you’re having troubles with behavior, here’s why he won’t listen and what you need to do today to be the parent he really needs.

The Holiday Ceasefire:
How to Manage Family and Behavior Problems amidst
Holiday Stress

Perhaps the biggest problem we face as adults during the holidays is the increase in stress. We are often overwhelmed by the amount of work we need to get done on the job and the amount of pressure we feel due to social obligations at this time of year. Add in the stress of gift buying (especially in divorced and blended families) and we feel a tremendous emotional fatigue—which means we have fewer emotional resources with which to manage our kids. An adult who is emotionally fatigued and anxious is less able to be there for their kids emotionally.

Gut Check:
Do You Tiptoe around Your Child?

You may not want to admit it, but you do it. You’re afraid of setting your child off, so you don’t ask him to pull his fair share around the house. You dread the next outburst, so you put on a happy face, ask him politely to help and end up doing it yourself anyway. There’s a difference between being considerate of your child and tiptoeing around him. Here, James Lehman talks about tiptoeing around kids who are reactive in a negative way. He defines tiptoeing as being afraid to ask your child to do routine responsibilities or to meet age appropriate expectations out of fear of that child’s reaction. How did this happen and what can you do about it?

Does Your Child Say This?
"I'll do it later."

When kids act out, they aren’t always confrontational. Children learn early that by procrastinating and putting parents off , they'll eventually stop being asked to help. While many parents rationalize, “It’s easier if I just do it myself,” what you need to understand is that you are setting your child up to have a false sense of entitlement later on in life, a belief that the world owes them something. Here, James Lehman gives parents some effective responses in the face of your child’s passive resistance. 

Masters of Manipulation:
How Kids Control You With Behavior

Kids manipulate their parents as part of their normal routine. They learn to use their charms and strengths to get their way and negotiate more power in the family. Sometimes that manipulation is harmless, but there are other times when the stakes are higher and kids use bad behavior to make you back down. In this situation, the manipulation becomes a power and control game for the child, and that’s where it gets dangerous for parents. The real problem with manipulation is when kids use behavioral threats to manipulate you.

Gut Check:
Shame and Anger: The Emotional Handcuffs of Parenting

One of the unaddressed elements of children’s behavior is the pain that families go through, knowing that others are judging them.  Because the fact is, they are being judged. When parents have to go to school constantly because of their kid’s outbursts, when they get in conflicts with the neighbors because of the kid’s behavior, when they’re at the supermarket and the kid throws a temper tantrum, or they’re at the mall with their adolescent child and he raises his voice or gives his parents backtalk, it’s completely humiliating.

Sibling Rivalry: Good Kid vs. Bad Kid

Are you tired of being the referee for all your kids' fights? Do they constantly argue, leaving you exhausted and frustrated as a parent, wondering where you went wrong with them? Carole Banks, MSW, LCSW is the manager of the Parental Support Line for the Total Transformation Program, and in this article she gives helpful advice that will empower you to you "stop the sibling rivalry show" and start enjoying being a parent again. The most important thing to remember: never place your children in the roles of "good kid" and "bad kid."