EmpoweringParents.com

“Mean Mommy” reared her ugly head again last week when my 5 year-old son glared at me, licked his lips, and spat on our living room floor. The look on my face must have been pretty scary, because he then squeaked, “I had a bug in my mouth! It was an accident!” and ran behind the couch to hide. I now understand what it means to “see red” when you’re angry, because I felt like a cartoon character with smoke pouring out of my ears and hot lava spewing from the top of my head.

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Here’s a dirty little secret: I long for the type of family bedtime that you see in the movies. You know, the one where the parents read their children a book, kiss them on their freshly-scrubbed foreheads with an “I love you,” and softly shut their kids’ bedroom doors at 7 p.m. Read more »

I am a bad mom. At least, that’s what I tell myself on a regular basis.

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The other day I was in a big box store that sells things cheaply (I won’t name it, but I’ll let you guess where I was–lots of smiley faces everywhere) when I witnessed a mom in the act of “negotiating” with her kids. “Mom, I want this soda,” one whined, while the other shoved a Polly Pockets in her face. “No, now I told you we’re not going to get anything today…well maybe if you’re good…well, you look like you really want that. OK, Honey.” Her cart was full of stuff that kids crave: candy, soda, toys, and plastic junk. One lone gallon of laundry detergent sat at the bottom of the heap, and I guessed that was her original reason for coming to the store.

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Have you ever been trapped in a conversation with someone who goes on and on about their child’s achievements, ignoring every hint from their listener that they need to stop talking, RIGHT NOW? You know what I mean—you’re standing there, looking around the room wildly for help, cornered like a guinea pig in a cage, but you are completely powerless to run away…

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Last night my 5 year old son looked me straight in the eye and said, “I didn’t do it.” What he didn’t do was tear up a newspaper and throw the pieces all over the kitchen floor while I was on the phone. “Well, then who did?”

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My friends and I all have secret fears about our children. My friend Caroline is deathly afraid her children will get sick. She wakes up at night, heart pounding, wondering if the bruise on her son’s arm is really cancer. My other friend Jaimie worries that her daughter is so socially awkward that she won’t ever make good friends. My secret fear? That my son will be bullied in school, just like I was in 4th grade. (But that’s a topic for another blog post.)

Well, my fears were realized last fall. When I picked Alex up from the playground at pre-school, I saw him playing with some other kids, but as I got closer, I realized that one of the boys was actually throwing rocks at my son. Not only did Alex not say anything, he didn’t even move out of the way. When I ran up to the them, the tears were rolling down my child’s face, and all he said was, “Billy is hurting me.” Ugh. As I hugged him, I felt about 3 inches tall. How could we have raised our son and not taught him how to protect himself? (Never mind how to assert himself!)

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Has your child ever made you feel like one of the indulgent parents from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? You know the scene—the kid is screaming “I want it now!” and the parent hurries to get whatever their child wants—to avoid a tantrum, to avoid embarrassment, or in my case, to avoid having their child go ballistic at an ice skating rink. Read more »

Parents frequently call me on the Parental Support Line to discuss respect. Some will say, “The ONLY thing I ask from my child is that they respect me.” They reason that if they are respected, their child will do everything they are asked to do, will not say anything impolite, and will be motivated by positive feelings toward their parent. These are terrific goals, but I’ve started to ask people not to even use the word “respect” when they talk to their children about their behavior, and I’ll explain why.

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Parents who don’t have good parenting skills use aggression. Men who don’t have good relationship skills (like the father mentioned in the last post) use aggression to compensate for a whole range of things—and usually it’s their own inadequacies and fears.

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