Ask the Parental Support Specialists: Can You Demand Respect from Your Kids?
Posted By: Carole Banks, LCSW
Category: Ask Parental Support Specialists, Child Behavior, Parenting Skills
Comments: 12
Parents frequently call me on the Parental Support Line to discuss respect. Some will say, “The ONLY thing I ask from my child is that they respect me.” They reason that if they are respected, their child will do everything they are asked to do, will not say anything impolite, and will be motivated by positive feelings toward their parent. These are terrific goals, but I’ve started to ask people not to even use the word “respect” when they talk to their children about their behavior, and I’ll explain why.
“Respect” is an emotionally-loaded word and in my experience, when people are demanding respect from each other, the relationship is in trouble. It takes more than asking for a feeling to fix the problem. People can become enraged when they feel disrespected in the same way that we become enraged if someone cuts us off in traffic. We feel it as an extreme personal insult. Some people feel crushed and worthless if they perceive they have been disrespected. New family members, such as a fiancée or step-parent, sometimes become anxious about carving out a solid position in the new family and can equate respect with obedience and authority over the children or the new partner. And the word can mean many things to different people: respect can mean to be honored, feared, obeyed, appreciated, understood, or considered.
One of the principles James Lehman outlines in The Total Transformation Program is to ignore attitude and focus on behavior. If we as parents can get the emotions separated from the behavioral requirements, we are less likely to feel offended and become punitive with our consequences. Look at respect as a behavior and not as a feeling. Instruct your child to behave respectfully and don’t require them to feel respectful toward you.
Parents will tell me they have said to their children, “You need to speak to me with respect.” “You need to respect my wishes.” When children are oppositional, offer them the choice of following the house rules, or experience a consequence. Keep your language as neutral as possible. Your child isn’t avoiding his chores because he doesn’t respect you, but because he’d rather be doing something else. Instead of getting upset and having an emotional confrontation with your child to try to force him to get up and do what you want him to do right now, simply implement the consequence for that behavior. Instead of saying to your child, “You can’t speak to me that way,” say, “You need to sound polite.” or “It’s not okay to use that tone of voice or that language.” You are requiring your child to behave politely but not to feel respect. This we can ask of each other, but we cannot demand a feeling from each other.
*If you have a question for “Ask the Parental Support Specialists,” please email editor@empoweringparents.com. The Parental Support Line, or “PSL,” is a live phone support service staffed by specialists who are available to speak to customers of the Total Transformation Program whenever they need help.
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February 20th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
This makes sense. Respect is a feeling. I just realized how confusing it must be to my kids when I ask them to feel a certain way about me. Thanks for the clarificaiton.
February 20th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
My father always demanded respect from us in our family and I understood what he meant: to treat him and my mother with respect, take care of our things, do our chores, put things back when you’re done. I don’t think learning respect is hard if you spell out what you mean to your kids.
February 20th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
What shoudl I do when my daughter talks to me in a disrespectful way? Should I give her consequences? And if you think that’s a good idea, what kind of consequences shoudl I give her?
March 5th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
whatabout disrespecting in front of teachers<<
March 5th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
what about disrespecting you in front of teachers, how do we handle it than???
March 15th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
I’ve used “There’s no excuse for abuse; physical, verbal, or mental” from James’ cue. My son and daughter are now clear and aware of where and what for they have crossed the line of good conduct with me. But I still see no change after I meet them there each time.
I will try “You can’t speak to me that way,” and “You need to sound polite.” as well as “It’s not okay to use that tone of voice or that language.” And I will let them know that they are to behave politely but not necessarily feel respect.
Still, I have not a clue as to WHAT to implement as a CONSEQUENCE that will be clear, serious, and effective.
March 27th, 2008 at 2:00 am
I have a couple of questions: I am a new mother if a two yr. old girl. She is a good girl most of the time and VERY smart, Really) and well when she gets really mad she will hit. Hit me , her grand mother; mostly anyone. Why is this. I know about the terrable 2’s but I am becoming very concerned. I tried to bench her-( timeout) her reacton is either she thinks it is a joke and laughs or get so up set and hit me again and scream at me so loud that it literally makes my ears ring.What dO I do?
Also, she does not eat. She wont eat at all. Maybe sometimes some fruit, noodles, and of course the McDonalds happy meal. What do you suggest I do. Yes! Hannah is still on the bottle.
HELP!!! I am getting fustrated.
March 27th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Jennifer Allen » I’m sorry to hear you’re having some difficulties with your daughter. It would be important to discuss these behaviors with your pediatrician. (Unfortunately, The Total Transformation Program techniques do not address behavior concerns in children under the age of 5.) Your doctor can tell you what is normal behavior or recommend any other services in your local area that might be appropriate. Parenting is a lot of work isn’t it? Good luck to you as you seek out the answers to your questions.
March 27th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Hi Jennifer. I also wanted to suggest that you read our recent article by Dr. Joan Simeo Munson: “Stopping a Temper Tantrum in its Tracks”. Here’s the link:
http://empoweringparents.com/Stopping-a-temper-tantrum.php
Hope it helps!
April 8th, 2008 at 9:43 am
I have an 8 yr. old boy who is so disrepectful to me. He does the “that’s not fair” thing constantly. If he’s asked to do something he doesn’t want he will simply tell me that he isn’t going to do it. I tell him that’s the rules and he tells me that the rules are stupid and I can’t make him. I have tried all sorts of different consequences, but still nothing seems to work. He is physically and verbally abusive to his older sister if she says ANYTHING. He screams at me when something happens that he cannot control. He is a very angry child sometimes. I dread when he gets off the bus because I never know what kind of mood he’s going to be in. His mood seems to affect the whole mood of the evening. I haven’t gotten him tested for ADHD or anything. I feel almost like I’m the one who needs to be on medication just to deal with him (sometimes). He is a very loving child alot of the time, but when it rains, it pours. I feel like he’s controlling our lives. He is a great kid when things are going his way. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
April 8th, 2008 at 10:28 am
I have a 15 ear old son, he and his eleven year old step sister argue often - they were yelling at each other one night loudly. My husband woke up and came out nd told them to go to bed, now. Thi sis on ongoing problem with each of them. So the consequence was our oldest could not stay all day at our church, he had to come home with us afterservice. The younger can not go to a birthday party. Our son did not meet with us and we were unable to locate him, so we left him there. We called his friends phone and I told him would pick him up at such and such time, and he was not there again.
He normally behaves well, yet has a 15 year old tantrum when he does not get his way. What type of consequence do you reccommend? He will be doing extra work this week as a consequence. In two weeks he wants to go out with his girlfriend, the only things he does for fun is go to church. I don’t want to keep him from church, but that is what he likes to do. So, should we not let him go on the “date”.
April 14th, 2008 at 2:09 am
I feel disappointed that I see only the adults side of respect. I wonder how a husband or wife would feel if his or her spouse said, “you have to do the dishes, or I will not take you to the movies”. That is considered demeaning between adults, why is it okay to give cosequenses to young people?Do young people really have to be treated like they are less?