I Hate School! (What’s a Parent to Do?)
Posted By: Elisabeth Wilkins, EP Editor
Category: Child Behavior, School
Comments: 15
It’s started already. My son Alex will announce “I hate school!” in the mornings, and then come up with any reason he can think of to stay home. This is often accompanied by crying and screaming. “I don’t feel well. I don’t want to do what the teacher says. School is poopy.” (He’s five—right now, “poopy” is the worst insult he can hurl.) And my favorite, “I can’t go to school because there is a dragon in my belly.” Seriously. When I dropped him off last week, he stood howling at the chain link fence of the playground, screaming my name like Stanley Kowalski in A Streetcar Named Desire. “Moommmmmmmy! Moooommmmmmmmmy!” You would have thought I was dropping him off at Sing Sing, and not the pre-school he’s loved for 2 years.
I have a few concerns here. One is, “Whoa, this is starting already?” And the second is, “If I don’t do something now, will this set him up for a lifetime of hating school?” An acquaintance of mine has a son who doesn’t like school, but he’s 17. He’s been able to convince his mom that he shouldn’t go to high school because he’s “sick”—he’s been absent so much in the past 2 years that he won’t be able to graduate. (Oh yeah, but he is well enough to go out and party all night.) He’s going to have to get a GED after graduation. I’m not ripping on GEDs—some of the smartest people I know have gotten them for one reason or another. I’m just surprised at how much this woman’s son was basically allowed to play hooky because he didn’t like school.
So that brings me back to Alex. I sat down and talked to him last week—I wanted to rule out bullying of any kind or a problem with another child. (There was an issue with another student, as it turned out—which we are addressing with his teachers.) After that, we started talking about what would make school better for him. “School is boring,” he said. “I don’t like doing what the teachers tell me to do.” I didn’t think I would have to give it to him straight this early, but I did: I took a deep breath and said, “Sometimes even grown-ups have to do things they don’t want to do, and we get bored, too. But, we have to keep going because it’s our job, just like it’s your job to go to school.” He perked up after that, and gave me a hug. It’s amazing what a little honesty can do sometimes.
So the teachers at his school, who are sympathetic and dedicated, are talking about getting some special projects going for him and some of the other older kids who have “been there/done that” in his class and are ready for more challenging stuff. For the time being, the crisis has been averted.
And my husband Joe has taken over the morning drop-offs for now. Magically, Alex doesn’t cry when Dad drops him off at school. Guess he saves the good stuff for Mom! (Am I supposed to feel complimented here? Oi.)
15 Responses
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March 11th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Same thing with my wife–my kids always carried on when my wife dropped them off at daycare, but they didn’t do that with me. I just tried to make them understand that this is what they had to do, and they were fine. Dad magic.
March 12th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Oh, brother. If only it were that easy in reality. I gave the same spheel to my 10 yr old. What changed? Nothin’.
James describes my 10 year old boy perfectly, but the advice doesn’t work.
March 12th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
Funny, my 10-year-old boy doesn’t like school work or, apparently, class and refuses to put forth an effort — therefore is in danger of failing for the year. No amount of reasoning, punishing, reward system, counseling, etc., has worked.
March 12th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
We have four children - 3 of which have graduated high school and are currently attending college. Our youngest is 13 and in the 8th grade. Spencer, our youngest, about mid way through elementary school started developing the “I hate school” attitude. As an 8th grader one has to begin to prepare for high school and college, yet we are finding that his excuses and lack of desire not only to attend school but to do the work has only worsened with time. As parents, we have not experienced the lack of motivation and the excuses with our older children that we are with our youngest. My husband and I both work from home so we are there when he arrives from school and he has the support of his older siblings as well. All five of us have attempted to motivate him, support him with assignments, had the counseling meetings, taken away priveledges, grounding, etc., all of which have, I feel, been unsuccessful. We realize that if it is going to be it is up to Spencer and yet we still feel that we are missing something along the way. HELP!
March 12th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
It’s funny how two shildren can be so different. Our daughter who is 12 and hardly ever has to be asked ot get her homework done or get ready for school. Our son who is 9 is always dragging his feet to go to school,and if he would actually do his homework with as much conviction as he complains about it, he might just get it done on the same evening! He has always been this way…and our daughter has alwys been the other….Yikkes!We have told him it’s his job, just like we have a job, AND he doesn’t have to like it, just do it! I am hoping that with a little more maturity he will bend to whatis expected of him.
March 12th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Have you had him tested for learning disabilities? Sometimes kids who say they hate school are really saying that they are having trouble learning.
March 12th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
Or maybe these kids need to learn in a different way.
March 13th, 2008 at 8:50 am
Oh my gosh! I hate to hear that all of you are having these problems but at the same time it makes me feel so much better because we are going through the same thing with our son, who is in the 7th grade. He has hated school since Kindergarten and was a marginal student with a lot of proding from me. In 5th grade he had a lousy teacher and even though I was at the school (a private, Christian school that we paid BIG bucks to send him to) 1-2 times PER WEEK he failed 5th grade. At this time, for various reasons including the fact that he wanted to, we sent him to public school. He failed 6th grade, again, I was at the school every week. This year, even though I have to work full-time, we are trying home schooling. It was a last ditch effort to keep him from having to repeat a grade but he just refuses to do the work and I am spending all of my nights and weekends for what seems like nothing. I am at the end of my rope and hope. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to motivate a student who just seems to have given up? We’ve tried rewards and punishments (last year he lost every toy, book, game system, EVERYTHING for 4 months and HE DIDN”T CARE!. Help!
March 13th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
We’ve tried everything with our son, psychiatrist,counseling, group therapy, talking to teachers, positive behavior modification, negative behavior modification. Nothing worked! We took everything away and then he broke our doors down to get at the items. His anger was so out of control he had to be hospitalized. Right now he’s in a group home with basically the same structure we provided. I don’t know what it will take for him to realize he is responsible for his own happiness and stop playing the victim.
March 13th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
My grandson, whom I have been raising since he had just turn 4 and now he is 14. We had rules and boundries but he could not live with them. He was failing 8th grade, stealing from us and lying constantly. We use the Love and Logic form of discipline, and I was just starting the Transformation program, but we got nowhere. We were letting him hit bottom and just before we were setting plans for that event, he up and decides he wants to live with his birth mother. His birth mother has been a “ghost” in his life, was once addicted to meth(last 7 years clean and sober with Narcotics Anonymous)and that’s the reason we took my grandson in in the first place. She now wants to be a mother, and so I let her and my grandson now lives with her. It was really hard for me I miss him so, but I don’t miss his misbehavior. He wants to visit over spring break, but I don’t know if that is a good idea? What do you think? Thanks, Wendy
March 13th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
I’m glad and saddened at the same time to hear so many people share the same problem we have with our 17 year old son. He’s the oldest of four and has always dragged his feet to go to school and to do any kind of homework. The situation has worsened has he’s gotten older to the point where he’s missed more days of school in the last two years than there has been school days. Most days he won’t even get out of bed… no amount of couching, threatening seem to make much of a difference. We have tried rewards & taking away priveleges, but nothing really seems to work. I work part-time and my husband works full-time as a landscaper, but is home all 4 months of the winter and that has not helped. Our fifteen year old daughter has always liked school and never needed to be pushed to do her homework. They are so different! We would love to know how to motivate him because we have pretty much give up all hope, he makes promises to improve every semester, but he can’t even keep those promises to himself. Sometimes I wonder if maybe we just haven’t been tough enough with our consequences…Trying to not lose all hope…Any new suggestions are appreciated. thanks Isabel
March 14th, 2008 at 9:13 am
I agree with Lynn. These kids learn differently. Our schools expect all kids to learn the same, and when they dont, they get into trouble. Our schools need to make some changes to accomodate. Of course, the kids that have these learning issues usually have other problems fitting into the mold our society expects of them and sees themselves different from everyone else. Maybe they are, but that doesnt mean worse, it means different, yet these kids are judged and looked down on, and I believe this is part of a vicious circle.
March 14th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Wendy Stevens » First of all, my hat is off to you for raising your grandson through childhood. I think there are so many grandparents out there like you who are really unsung heroes in our society, people who have been stepping in and doing the right thing just because it is the right thing to do. (And, of course, for love of their grandchildren.) It sounds like your grandson was exhibiting some challenging behaviors right before his mom came back into the picture. I’m not a mental health professional, but in my opinion, I would say that you might try letting him come and visit you over spring break. No matter how difficult he was before he left, he surely knows how much you love him. It’s wonderful that his mom is clean and sober now, but I think the more positive, loving role models a kid can have in his or her life, the better. I can imagine that your rules may be a little different than his mom’s, though–I wonder if it might be a good idea to talk to him before he comes and tell him again what your rules are, and that you expect him to follow them or pay some consequences. (ie, if he steals from you while he’s there, call his mom and send him home.) You may want to think about talking to a qualified mental health professional about this problem if it comes up again, as well. I hope it works out for you–please let us know what you decide and how it goes.
March 16th, 2008 at 3:40 am
I’m a single dad of an 11 year old boy (Bronson). I was given custody of Bronson in 2003 proximately resultant of his mother’s defiance towards the court and its’ officers (C.P.S., etc.,) related to a bipolar episode that caused her to leave her children unattended (while they were approx. 1 & 5 years old) for a couple of hours. His mother emailed these articles to me. Bronson loves school - it’s where all his friends are! Bronson has been getting - practically - straight ‘F’s’ since the 4th grade. From the 1st to the 3rd grade he was considered especially bright and his grades reflected the same estimation. He is still considered to be one of the brightest kids in his school albeit receiving straight ‘F’s.’ I’ve had Bronson on Concerta (which, obviously presupposes psychiatric treatment), and one-on-one counseling for the last 3 years. I’ve done the full gamut of penalties for unsatisfactory behavior: restrictions, forfeiture of play-things, etc., and, consistent with the complaints of the other parents, nothing seems to work. I’ve got all of Bronson’s teachers’ email addresses and phone numbers, but they never call until things are completely out of control. The problem is 100% the fault of the teaching system and its’ Unionization of that system. The American people watched as the labor unions devoured our textile industry, then our steel producing industry, and then finally our automotive manufacturing industry and didn’t smell a rat when the teachers got their own union going. Teaching and teacher accountability go right out the window when a union steps in and protects teachers who refuse to go the extra distance to insure that no student is left behind. My son’s problem is that, unless his homework is placed BY THE TEACHER directly in his hands as it was in his 1st to 3rd grade ‘homework packs,’ he will space-out completely and forget to retrieve it out of the ‘homework basket.’ I have a college degree and it was my experience throughout all my years of school that the teacher would go to the front of the class with a stack of homework handouts, count-off the number of students in a row and place that number of homework hand-outs with each student seated at the front of the class and they would pass the hand-outs behind each other until every student had a hand-out. The school wants me to file for an exceptional learning disability via the Americans with Disabilities Act, because their union protects their minimalist involvement in Bronson’s educational needs. I will leave no stone unturned when it comes to doing the best I could under the circumstances I am left to work with relative to Bronson’s education. If nothing works to alter Bronson’s present dilemma, I will accept that ultimately the choice was Bronson’s to make to fail to conform to the environment that the rest of his fellow classmates have no problem with. History is full of some of the most brilliant minds that, through various circumstances, were relegated to constant poverty, substance abuse, depression and suicide. Regardless of how Bronson’s life plays out, I will always consider unions to be the harbinger of ruin to the American way of life
March 19th, 2008 at 1:56 am
Wow, I thought it was just my son who hated school. I have tried many things and it doesn’t work. I don’t know what else to tell him or do. the thing is that he is just starting, his only in kindergarten.
Since this hatred towards school even his attitude has changed. He is more angry, gets upset easily and just has this attitude that is fustrating. Need more advice and help