Living with a Broken Heart: Are You Estranged from Your Child?

I was blessed with a wonderful relationship with my daughter all through high school. Because she needed me to take her places and give her money and do things.

That sounds bitter and sad, but I am not bitter. I am sad. I also believe this to be true.

We were incompatible. Always.

At 2 years old, she carried a purse and I never did. She loves clothes and shoes and I am hippie.

At 5 years old, she asked why I didn’t cook.

I’ve embarrassed her all of her life. Just by being me. I don’t dress well. My hair is roughly cut. I was a professional and successful. But not good enough for her.

We’re both very smart and well-educated and successful.

But she cares about things I don’t care about and she absolutely refuses to talk about anything that I do care about (ideas, writing, science, religion.)

Not to mention the difference in our parenting styles. My kids were often cold and hungry as I did not bring snacks and jackets with me everywhere I went. As a mother, she is doing everything exactly perfectly and trusts me to do nothing — not even hold the baby properly.

When she needs me, I come. I flew across country every month for a year even though I was ill and stayed to help her. “You know, you wouldn’t be here if I had anyone else,” she said. EVERYTIME. It stabbed.

She was properly grateful, of course. But she wanted me to know that she still doesn’t like me. Not to get my hopes up. (That’s projection but accurate, I think.)

She has 2x cut me off from contact. Not totally. But I know the difference. An obligatory call with a script. She hasn’t asked me to return since she got a nanny. No surprise. She has an alternative now…

She got the nanny in January. Had me come in February — because the nanny can’t be alone with a newborn. Then planned to visit for a month in July.

On Father’s Day I called her to tell her that we had finished the remodel of the guest area and I was looking forward to her planned visit for the month of July.

“We’re not coming in July,” she said.. “Only a week in August.” And she proceeded to tell me all of the things she had planned during that week.

She was angry again. And she has an alternative now.

She was always so sweet and loving as a child. She is angry and critical now. Her in-laws and Ius are incompetent. Her sister-in-law and brother are judgmental. (They’re not — she is.) Only she and her husband are perfect.

I do nothing right. I am ordered around like a servant. The minute my granddaughter is in bed, my daughter disappears. She avoids conversation with me even when I am there helping her.

My ideas are weird. I’m strange. “Stop your crazy talk, Mom,” she says when I am talking about quantum physics and the mysteries of the universe.

And since I had Covid in 2020, I had nausea with every meal. I had to force myself to swallow after gagging. She never asked about my illness. She thinks it is me trying to get attention.

The doctors could find nothing wrong. I lost 20 lbs.

Until…. I discovered the cause.

My neighbor said she had Covid, and I felt — immediately — a sharp pain in my throat and lymph gland. I laughed because, obviously, that wasn’t covid.

But the next morning, when I thought of my daughter, the nausea came back sharply.

That night I had a dream that I could not find my daughter (as a toddler asleep in the bed) — so vivid I turned on the light to look for her! She’s 36 years old.

She’s grown. She’s gone.

I felt a POP inside me.

My nausea and vomitting has mostly completely gone away. I haven’t gained much but my weight has stabilized. I go to the gym.

I cry and hurt several times a day when I think about the loss. Especially my granddaughter. She would have liked me….. But I don’t feel like I have a choice.

There is no question in my mind that this separation is essential for my health. And maybe for hers.

She was not an angry child. She was sweet and loving. Sensitive, even. I don’t recognize this bitter and angry woman.

She’s blocked me since I told her I couldn’t see her anymore. Returned the money we gave for her to buy a house — which might have stabilized her life. I sent her a postcard saying that I tell each of them — her husband, her, and her two children — each morning and night that I love them with all my heart and wish them the best.

But it can’t be right to allow yourself to be hurt the way she hurts me.

And it can’t be right to let her continue to do it me.

It isn’t her fault. We were just mismatched.

There’s nothing sadder than being disliked by someone you love with all your heart.

It was literally killing me. I weigh 92 pounds.

My relationship with my adult son has been a mixture of highs and lows, we have given him a good life, meaning he is now self sufficient in a well paid job. Earlier this year he started counselling, did not really explain why and when he did it wasn't easy to work out what his issues were as there seemed so many little things, that we didnt really engage sadly. I came from a very dysfunctional family and didn't want that for him, so I was overprotective and now know I didn't allow him to grow, but he appeared to love having everything done for him, despite living in his own flat, you know stuff like washing, ironing, coming home for a good feed etc. I haven't always been kind to him, I can lash out verbally when confronted and have said awful things to him in the heat of the moment. Things came to a head 7 weeks ago and he left saying he wanted nothing more to do with us unless I got counselling, being older I kind of rejected this in the past, but am pleased to say that I wish I hadn't spent years being angry and anxious,as I know realise where a lot of this stems from and feel so much better. I wrote to my son explaining how I felt, taking ownership of the problems, even though it takes 2 and he has a part to play, if I wasn't like this, he wouldn't be either, so I accept my part in this.

He wrote back stating that he did want a relationship with both of us going forward, but that he needed time to work through things and wanted me to carry on seeing my counsellor. This gave me a bit of hope, as it was only days after he left and he could have said get lost. He hasn't contacted us since, apart from after my husband messaged him to ask what he had done wrong and how can he put things right. My son said he wasn't ignoring us, but didn't have a lot to say at the minute, but would reach out in a bit.

So for me at that point he did want a relationship, although he might not now. He hasn't blocked us, he hadn't changed his phone number. He liked something his dad posted on linked in, so that is a positive, he also has his prized possessions here, as he only rents at the moment. I know no one on here can answer, but all these things give me hope. Why then do I feel that I will never see him again, it will be 2 months next week, how long does he need to work through things? again no one knows, it just feels good writing it all down.

Hello. I didn't know if should comment or not but here I am resonating with your heartbreaking words. My daughter and I haven't spoken in 4.5 years. I've made many mistakes and am willing to own up to them. We've had a rough go at our relationship but there hasn't been a day that I don't think about her. She has a little boy she never told me about and how I found out was coming across her baby registry on Google. Sad but yes I Googled her in hopes of seeing a picture or a video. She is a model and artist. My heart is hurting so badly. I just wish she knew how much I care about her and how sorry I am for whatever it was that I had done. I just keep praying for her wellness and happiness and for her to raise her son better than I raised her. I commented once recently on one of her IG pictures and she blocked me. I try to put all of these feelings in a box in my mind which probably is unhealthy but I've never received counseling for this. I have bad dreams and she is in most of them. I'd like to work through this and not hate myself for allowing this to happen. Please if anyone has any advice I am open to it.

No negative responses please

Thank you for reading.

It’s been 17 years since I saw my son and his family he has 3 children I don’t even know

I have no way to contact him I saw his oldest daughter on Facebook I reached out to her and then I was blocked

I hurt everyday I feel there is no hope of seeing them at all I am older and time is going by quickly

22 months ago my oldest daughter Alison and I had an argument on the day her father and I were moving to a new home (she couldn't have picked a worse time--I had barely recovered from back surgery, and our move wasn't going well--the new owners were angry because we weren't out by the required 9 am deadline). We found ourselves alone in the house while everyone else was off in the van to the new house. I thought it would be a good time for me to politely bring up a concern of mine--that it was disturbing when she had been deliberately rude to me at a family gathering a month earlier (other people had noticed it, too)--could we please talk about it, so it wouldn't happen again? I was genuinely in good faith when I brought it up. But my daughter started screaming at me, louder than ANYone has screamed at me in my life--but she could get away with it because all the other adults were off in the van. I couldn't even get 4 words into a sentence, she would just start screaming louder and louder. She (age 44) was screaming that I had ruined her life because I had had a drinking problem when she was growing up and I was 'emotionally absent' for her because of it--that she would never be happy for the rest of her life until the day she died and it was all my fault and she would never forgive me...and on and on...

Dare I even say this? [because someone will point fingers at me and say that I'm 'blame-placing' and it's wrong for me to place blame)--but truth is truth and the truth really IS that my daughter's behavior that day was and is the most immature behavior I've ever seen in an adult in my entire life. If only I had a tape recorder running! I wish other people could have heard her screaming!

Anyway, she claims that it 'had been building up inside of her for a long time.'

Whatever, that was 22 months ago, and she refuses to speak to me. She did pass on via a couple of emails that I have to see a therapist to be treated for my "narcissism" AND I have to go to AA meetings. I do AA meetings for myself anyway--and I've complied and am seeing--or at least was seeing--a psychotherapist. But Alison has refused to be part of any 3-way meetings with the therapist...

...and now it seems that the therapist herself has chosen to drop out of the picture! She hasn't called to arrange another appointment with me in 6 weeks now, even though I've left her 3 messages! And she HAS said that there's a limit to what she can do if one party (Alison) refuses to get involved. So I guess she just wants to end things.

BUT THE PROBLEM IS that the 6 yo twins? Well, I've barely spent more than a handful of minutes with them over the past 2 years--that's 33% of their lives! And the clock of time is ticking...

So it's no comfort to me when people say, "You need to let go," because what's being lost is time spent with the grandchildren and the memories they could have of us Grandma and Grandpa T. And I'm not young. I'm 75, and Grandpa is 80. And 2 days ago, a dear friend of mine who also had problems with his adult son, passed away unexpectedly at age 67. So life is short, there's no getting around it. I've already outlived my own mother by 3 years. But Alison doesn't seem to care about the ticking clock.

Making things even harder for me personally is that the other grandmother lives just 2 blocks away from Alison and her family (I live 50 minutes away), and the other grandmother is over at Alison's with the grandkids 3x/week or more for hours at a time.

It's so unfair! The grandkids like me, they loved coming over to our house and throwing the drones over our 2nd floor railing. But they've only been in our new house twice over the past 2 years--they aren't going to be able to develop the sweet memories of G and G's house when they were growing up, like I had of MY grandparents' house.

And there's NO way I can try to talk to Alison myself-even the therapist said that--because experience has taught me that whatever I say Alison will twist it and make the worst of it.

My other 2 children aren't like this. We aren't as close as I'd like to be, but we still get together, although not as much as I'd like. My son has 2 children, 8 and 10--but unfortunately for me, THEIR other grandmother lives only 2 miles away from them, my son's wife's mother, and she, too, is over at their house all the time (she's also a mega-millionaire. She also purchased my son's house for them. She's also an internationally famous person in the academic world and my son's wife has referred to this other grandmother in newspaper and magazine articles as her "best friend," which means that she spends a whole lot of time with my son's family. What this means for me is that my son has a hard time working me and Grandpa into his children's visiting schedules. [My 3rd child, BTW, a girl, is married but they've decided not to have children].

But back to my oldest daughter Alison and her 3 boys. My husband, Grandpa, doesn't like uncomfortable situations--he was angry when I insisted he come with me to see the therapist a couple of times, and he hasn't really made any serious effort to talk to Alison and he has done virtually nothing serious to try to improve family relationships--although he (not me) is free to visit Alison and her kids, he has only done it once or twice over the past 2 years (he says he's uncomfortable going by himself, without me, because he doesn't know how to talk to the kids).

I just feel such a sense of loss of time, of getting to know the 3 boys in my lifetime.

I myself lost my 18 month old sister when I was 9, and my 13 year old brother was killed when I was 19, and I still feel their loss. [When I brought up my lost sister and brother to my 3 children many years ago, they accused me of being 'morbid' to bring up the dead--and my husband, instead of saying, "Kids, remember that your mother loved her sister and brother, it's not morbid to bring up people you love"--which is what I would have said had they been my husband's siblings (that's hardly a harsh reprimand, it's just guidance)--instead, my husband sat there snickering along, like it was funny, as the kids derided me. When I brought that up to my husband later, asking 'Why did you just sit there snickering, what kind of message does that send to our kids?" my husband just said, "Well, it was between you and them...I wasn't going to get involved." That's not my idea of good parenting--he could have given them kind-hearted guidance, which is what I would have done in his place.

But anyway, My daughter has limited me to seeing her 3 boys (oldest 14, 6-year-old twins) to 4x/year, even though she knows I am good with her boys and even though the twins have asked me 5x over the past 2 years, over Zoom, if they can come to our (Grandma and Grandpa's) house to visit.

Please, no one point fingers of blame at me for saying this about my daughter because gosh darn it, truth IS truth--I just can't believe her cruelty! I've ALWAYS been good with her kids, and she knows it--she's always been there at gatherings--and the grandkids LIKE me, they'd even keep saying it! If she feels I've ruined her life and she never wants to speak to me again, I can live with that--I've been careful to respectfully NOT talk to her the couple of times we've been in the same area together--but how can she justify limiting me to seeing her kids only 4x/year? I NEVER would have done that to my own parents, even though my father could be emotionally abusive and I was afraid of him as a child.

I just can't believe this is happening! I'm no saint but I've always been good with my grandchildren. I'm old and the clock is ticking...

My son turned 18. Moved out and then cut both of his parents and most of the family out of his life. He will be 21 in June.

I cry everyday. I feel like I am missing a body part.

After reading all of these comments, I need to find a grief counselor. Thank you for sharing these stories.

My son (39 yrs) cut me off a year ago saying he wanted to " give his kids the kind of parenting he never had".

I stayed in a loveless marriage for 20 years after my husband's affair, and subsequent immersion in a fundamental religious culture. It was a quiet relationship,but I complied with hubby's restrictions in the belief that , in the absence of physical danger or obvious animosity, my children would be healthier raised in a two parent home.

I left that home to make a new one when my teenaged son started to stay away from home because he found the religious restrictions too oppressive. He needed a home.

Things seemed okay until COVID era when his wife was anti-vax, and he complied with her wishes. I didn't share his view, but didn't criticize, and his step father and I welcomed them home when his in-laws wouldn't.

For the life of me I can't understand what happened! I am anguished and bewildered after a year without contact. This has knocked the feet out from under me.

👋 Hello

My mature-age son and I have had a good relationship. We would call each other every so often, he would visit a few times a year during Christmas and other events. When things don't go well for him i.e. especially loss of job, he withdraws and doesn't want to talk or visit. I left him alone for some space bit it seems he resented that. He found another IT job within 2 weeks. I always support him. He withdrew also from his older brother who has always been there for him. He suffers from depression which is triggered by a crisis. I call him and he is 'doom and gloom'.. Medication/s not working for him but he refuses to see his doctor. Hard to know what to do. It's very upsetting. I have my own personal and health challenges to deal with. I'm grateful my older son is so supportive. He and his wife are a delight to have around.I don't know how I would have done without them. But I still worry about my younger son.

I have been estranged from my adult sons for about 18 months (a little different amount for each). In a word, it is devastating. They were always great kids and they were my two best friends. I say that not in a dysfunctional way, I was heavily involved as a Dad, and completely invested in their lives. Their Mom and I were not as close in our marriage as we should have been, and I was not happy. We divorced, and the boys have had little to do with me since.

I was unfaithful in our marriage, and I know that causes pain for all involved. I have apologized, and I own those mistakes. I know that means little, unfortunately, I cannot go back and make different choices (I would if I could). It’s difficult for that to we raise all the close, positive, amazing years we shared.

I hope my sons will get to a point of forgiveness, being disowned has proven to be a punishment I am not sure anyone deserves.

In reading some of your stories, I feel a kinship to you all with what I have been dealing with. Thank you for sharing and i pray you all can find some peace amidst your hurt and pain.

I have 5 children. My oldest daughter has had her own pain and now feels like she can just disown me again after 2 other times. The last time she came back into my life just after I married a stable, good man. Since then, she and I did establish a relationship, but once I told her and her husband we could not give them any more money (I am not working, its my husbands hard earned money) along with another family history situation, She has now disowned me completely from her family and her children. I am meditating regularly, and I am able to let Go and be in peace with the situation most days. I accept over and over that she is where she is at, and try and stay away from the suffering and guilt. Some days are harder then others. I also have a son that has had severe health issues his entire life and been way too entangled with him. I have been trying to set healthy boundaries now for almost 3 years, he doesn't like it and takes it as rejection. This too I meditate and pray daily for understanding and the strength to let go. These situations have been so difficult to me. My other children can talk to me and we resolve misunderstandings and are close.

My other concerns are that my husband of 4+ years has daughters. They do not want anything to do with me. He is not very involved in their lives, so I encourage him to call them. They are cordial and nice when around but no real attempts at any relationship. Balancing this is very difficult. Good luck and prayers for all...

My son was arrested on December 21 for domestic battery after throwing a box at me. His girlfriend called the police, wanting me to be blamed for him having a bloody nose after falling to the ground after my throwing AirPods at him. my son lied to the police, and after talking to me, they arrested my son. That was very hard to see. adult daughter tells me that I should have stopped the police from arresting him and I should apologize to my son. The state is the one who charged him. When the state attorney called, I’d expressed that I did not want to see him charged. He did spend the night in jail. His girlfriend hates me. my ex told me to go to court the next morning and have the charges dropped. I did not. I did not feel it was my fault. This was not my first incident with my son. He has a lot of anger issues. Throughout his life, he only had supervised visits with his father. my ex was arrested for child pornography, and was released after the Miranda act was not read. Before that there was situations at home that I went to the state attorneys office about, and they ordered only supervised visitations for his father. He now spends a lot of time with his father and has him come visit and stay at his home. My daughter has not talk to me either since all of this and she also spends time with my sons father

even after blaming me for things that my Ex has done to her. my ex has been out of the house since my son was 2 1/2 years old. My son is 28 years old and my daughter is 35. Neither one of them are speaking to me and I feel so alone. approximately for the last 12 years or more, they have not accepted my boundaries, but want me to live by theirs. I have reached out to my son by texting and calling and he does not respond.. I feel as though my ex is a carrier pigeon, because when I expressed that it hurts I feel as though he goes back to them and lets them know that it bothers me.

His father was an alcoholic and claims he is no longer drinking. I believe my adult children are involved

in unhealthy habits as well.

I have been involved in counseling with a therapist for the last couple months. I miss my son and daughter deeply.😓

My youngest daughter kept moving and changing jobs. We were close, talking frequently and seemed to agree on so many things. I would visit her in her new State...but she stopped visiting me (where she grew up)...Then she moved to another state and that's when things started becoming strange.

She had good jobs, made more money than I did when I was working but now she was always broke and borrowing small amounts of money for one thing or the other. Car repairs, she needed new carpet, etc. I'd give in and loan her a couple of thousand here and there. She would promise to pay me but never did.

Then she lost her job during Covid. I didn't have enough cash to help her pay her car payments, pay for her prescriptions, or what she needed. So I gave her a credit card that I was responsible for in case she didn't make a payment. In a very short time she maxed out the card to over $15,000.

I finally paid off the card and locked her out....

After that she slowly stopped calling or answering me calls. I never made the conversation about money...but I did let her know that my nest egg is all but gone.

I'm 77 and on SS. She has a good job and is single earning 6 figures. Right now I just want to hear her voice. I realize I'll never see her again before I die, and I cannot bare going without some resolve.

Firstly, to all those Parents out there going through this, stay strong and always keep hope.

My ex wife and I divorced 10 years ago, our Sons took this extremely hard (13 & 16 at the time)

Unfortunately both boys took their parents separation as their own and have held onto the resentment ever since.

I would always reach out through multiple forms of communication with absolutely no reply.

I would always make sure that our separation would not impact theirs and their younger sister’s schooling or financial lifestyles by sending my ex wife half my salary until the youngest was 18.

Thankfully for me, my Daughter stays in touch and I get to see her once a year as they live overseas.

For the first 5 years I really struggled and turned to alcohol to numb the pain, I became a functioning alcoholic with serious mental health issues.

With the support of my new wife and AA, I have remained sober now for almost 5 years but still struggle with my mental health.

Again unfortunately, I have no contact detail for either son and I refuse to put my daughter in the middle by pressuring her to give me these details, that wouldn’t be fair, considering she apparently gets a hard time from her brothers for simply having a relationship with me.

I only recently found out that the mobile number I had been sending the odd text to was not my sons when a stranger replied back thanking me for the heart felt messages over the years but that they were not him.

This incident almost broke me because initially reading it I thought it was him.

Every so often I find photos of them on social media and screen shot them, so I know what they look like, handsome young men.

I remember when both boys lived in this country I would sneak along to their rugby games, hide in the bushes or sideline incognito.

I was so proud watching them play but couldn’t call out in support in fear of being noticed.

Although I’m doing better nowadays, I still experience hard days where I have no motivation or will to keep going, thanks to all the support in my life I know this feeling is temporary so I battle through waiting for the next wave of good.

One thing I have maintained is always to hold onto hope that one day they may soften and reach out. Since it’s now out of my hands this is all I can do.

One of my concerns is will they ever ask me “where were you”

Thank you. I don’t feel so confused or alone.

At 66, My heart still hurts for my adult son has no contact with me for 5 years.

I had 4 kids in 5 years, 3 girls and a boy who is 2nd in line. Mate was gone working, unavailable in many ways. Son married and wife along with X-husband are Narcissistic.

Just went to youngest daughters wedding.

My adult girls are so loving toward me and I remain baffled that my son and wife still ignore me. My girls see him on occasion.

No one talks about the shunning. I have had years of ‘help’. Knowing the adult child at times sides with the absent parent does not

Lessen my heart’s anguish. I never thought this would happen to me. I gave my all to bring up my kids with love, honesty, care and support. I doubt I will ever get over this and try to accept and move on. I have done nothing wrong and have tried already to mend things. Thank You for the web site.

Memories I try not to go there. Life is cruel at times. I chose to hold my head high and cling to my values, and not cheat my girls out of the Love they deserve by focusing on my Son.

Hello, Brand new to this group...........There is a National Reconciliation Day April 2,,, If you Google NATIONAL RECONCILIATION DAY – April 2 you will find more helpful information

Here is part of a post.............

HOW TO OBSERVE #National Reconciliation Day

Take that step and make amends.

It’s not too late. Reach out to that friend or loved one and make a fresh start.

Accept the olive branch when it is offered.

Share your experiences of reconciliation.

Use #Reconciliation Day to post on social media.

Thank You

First, I am grateful for finding this website and all the contributors- it helps immensely to know I don’t grieve or struggle alone. I’ll share a bit about me, my parents, my marriages, children, step children, grand children and my coping with three of 8 adult children that are in various phases of adult child parental alienation.

Tina, your site is very valuable. Thank you for providing this forum. I found it so helpful just to know there are others like me - we aren’t alone. It is such a painful plight to be cast off by someone we had such a close and intimate bond with, someone we care so much about and dreamed of a future with... Just some company on “alienation island”, even if not for other reasons, helps so much. I’m learning a lot and I’m grateful for finding this site.

I’ve been in various forms of therapy for 35 years and have had my kids in therapy many times during their childhood. I had a toxic parent and had to heal. I did not want to pass on the bad behaviors of my angry abusive father and my invisible mother to my blooming family. I wanted to be a loving accountable parent, I wanted to heal from my childhood wounds, I felt they needed to have an advocate when conflicts arose. I feel it is helpful for kids and parents to have a professional advocate. I have four adult daughter’s, one is a step. All have now or have had therapists. And yet, One of my daughters has alienated me - no contact for almost three years, and another, her sister - has alienated me, returned, and has again recently threatened to alienate me in the future.

The man I have lived with for almost a decade, whom I am marrying later this year, also has four adult daughters - only one of which is his biologically. This one daughter has alienated him (bare minimum contact) since we became a couple (at the behest of his 2nd ex wife). But I’m actually dear friends with her biological mother (his first ex wife) and close to her half sister - keep up, it gets complicated!

All of the children are legal adults - we are empty nesters. All of us (me, him, all the ex’s and all the children) are well educated (in college or graduates, or advanced degrees). No one is or has ever been in rehab for substance abuse, only my ex has ever been arrested for any reason.

Everyone who isn’t in school full time is gainfully employed in a career (except one of his daughters who hasn’t seemed to launch, and is still just working “get along” jobs). Only two of the 8 daughters are under 20 (still in college), only 1 under 30, all the rest older than 30. Two of his daughters have one child each, one of my daughters has three children. So there are 5 grand children.

Two (one for each of us, both single/never married) are alienated. One more of mine and two more of his fluctuate their alienation. All of the alienated children have a bitter parent/step-parent in their lives.

I believe acceptance and therapy have been incredibly helpful to me for coping with the alienation. Both in acceptance of the child’s choice to cleve from the family (dealing with disappointments and missed moments), and with my acceptance of the child and choices she/they make that I don’t think are helpful to their future options. And - I hate that I can’t control contact - I have been forced to accept her boundaries even when I don’t understand or agree with them. I get angry (thanks dad) but I learn to sort through it and move on.

I also believe now is not forever - lifecycles create change. Don’t convince yourself the alienation will go on forever, or that it will end some day soon (leading to more disappointment). I try with much effort and focus to take one day at a time, remember the good times we did have, and focus on acceptance - me of them, and me of the whole current situation. I try to let go of dreams that may never come.

I believe the circumstance improved for me when I allowed myself to grieve - same process for any unimaginable loss of a dream or control. I have felt this is an important step for me to cope and let go.

I have to remind myself, our children are people - now adults. They don’t have to share their lives and they certainly don’t have to negotiate control. Just as I was once a child who did not or could not agree with my parents and/or the way i may have been treated - my children may not understand me, and may not care enough to be able to try, or accept us in their lives now. Maybe they need to heal, maybe we have to let go. I feel both sides likely need to find forgiveness and acceptance. If I can’t (forgive or accept), there’s likely no there there for us. Maybe I want it, but maybe not at any price.

I do not believe all alienation is for the same reasons.

So listening to different stories and reflecting on my own family - as me the child and me the adult, or me the step-spouse, or step-mom - helps me a lot in forums like this. Thank you for the time you’ve taken to share with strangers of a common pain.

A great deal can be about mental health issues (young adults don’t have a frontal lobe until they are late 20’s - a lot can change after that shows up!). Also, I looked to my family tree - there’s mental health issues in our tree, why wouldn’t they show up in the kids? and grand kids? Not a solution, but maybe a symptom that helps me find something I can do to help or understand our issues.

I’ve noticed a great many of us have a bitter non-cooperative ex parent in the mix. Our plight should be part of the justice systems’ counseling program for divorcing parents - we are “the ghosts of ‘Christmas’ future”. Those parents in the court room right now fighting for custody should hear from us what happens to the families that play a hand in the “bitter ex alienation wars”. It’s heartbreaking for everyone (but so is staying in a toxic relationship - so you don’t have easy choices - choose your battles carefully). But we should educate those who follow in our footsteps.

Siblings and the spouses of our children also show up in these discussions on contributing factors of alienation. I don’t personally have that in my mix. Three of our eight daughters are married, only one is divorced (civilly so, thank goodness), four are still single and three of those four are very young. The married ones all seem to have supportive-spouse behaviors towards the family blend and have navigated the barbs with impressive diplomacy or are unaware of other family issues and have no turf.

Thanks for reading my thread - if you’ve gotten this far - you are certainly entitled to a merit badge of some sort. I do hope for all of us that we can heal and find compassion for our children who choose to live without the imperfect love of their family. And that we can all learn to better understand and navigate the role change - from authority figure to equitable adult - something I’ve struggled with but work to improve on every day.

As one of my daughters (the one who comes and goes, and lives with the sister who hasn’t spoken to me in almost 3 years) said to me recently - after we broke off a date and were trying to find middle ground

“I want to choose to be in your life, I love you - but I don’t need you. Be nice, be worth choosing.”

We rescheduled to have dinner tomorrow. 🤞

I am going through this with both of my 30 yr old kids.

It's hard for me to grasp because I would never have dreamed of doing this to my parents. I am so baffled by why they are both angry, and don't understand people not just reaching out to discuss a problem and work things out. It makes life so much easier. And how can I fix the problem if I don't specifically know what I've done? (I often feel that they just don't care for me and are glad to be away from me) I miss my kids so much that it aches so deep.

One of my biggest regrets is not cutting off complete ties with my biological parents from a very early age when I left home at 18. I allowed myself to be bullied and coerced to go and see them. They were the shame and humiliation of my life. Sorry if my post offends anyone, it’s just you do not know me and what were my circumstances back then. They did not deliberately set out to harm me but of course they did. My biological mother had very severe learning disabilities and being Ill equipped for life and unsocialised I was abused over and over outside the home and at school. I was terrified of leaving my impoverished and grotty surroundings because I would be attacked on the streets if I bumped into any kids from school. At 11 I was removed from home by the local authority childrens services and placed in what would have been known as an orphanage. There the abuse continued. I was not a strong child and was forced to live with other children whos parents were mostly in prison. I went back to my parents some weekends and while back there an older man sexually abused me. I did not understand what was happening. When I finally left home at 18 I went through more abuse, physically and emotionally from various partners. I had three children in one marriage who are now adults and two more from another relationship. When my older ones were little their father abandoned us and I did not cope well. I was still very immature and quite young. I consider that I was a bad parent and did not put my own children before my own emotionally broken needs I have since told them I am sorry, but the damage is done. You can forgive but you cannot turn back the clock and undo the damage. My middle two have suddenly cut ties with me. I had major surgery this year and they did not enquire about my health. They have cancelled visits on failed to show up without explanation. I will let them go.

I am broken and hurting and understand what other parents are facing when estranged from a child, however the logic is that for centuries society has been conditioned to expect parents and children to be family forever. If it happens and you have a relationship with your adult children, thank your lucky stars, it’s not to be taken for granted. Fact; our children owe us absolutely nothing and should not be made to feel or be forced to love us and keep in contact. There is often a personality clash. We cannot have a relationship with everyone family or not. This is what I am going to have to accept……eventually. It’s going to be very hard and I am grieving right now. I am forced to believe that my two youngest will also cut ties with me when they too leave home. I am seeing the signs now, even though I am a different parent. I have a partner, he is not the childrens father, and he has poor health. We are not young. I can clearly imagine that I will die very much alone. Even so, I did not have children to take care of me in old age, but I did hope for love and friendship. Unfortunately for all of us it is not a right, painful as it is for me.

My 2 daughters have distanced themselves off and on for the past 2 years . People who knew my family are shocked to hear this news. The “triggering event” happened when their father passed away 4 years ago after a long illness ( For the previous 15 years he was disabled. I worked to support us. I moved us 4 times during that period to new towns to be near my daughters ( mostly at their request) I was very involved with my grandchildren and cared for them during this time . I now see that I have too much of myself and enabled my daughters to expect all of my life to be dedicated to them .

15 months after my husband’s death I decided to date. I met Tom online and we had an instant connection. This alarmed my daughters and they set out to discredit him as a worthy suiter. They searched for persons on Facebook for anyone connected to Tom. They found the daughter of his previous girlfriend of 7 years. They called her and got what they were looking for : a man with a past and submitted the info during a counseling session. They said I should break up with him and the therapist concurred. Mind you , she was only going on hearsay, she had not met him.

So, feeling confused and pressured, I did break it off . This started a roller coaster pattern of me grieving over losing him and the threat of losing my family. Tom hung in there and waited for me to decide what to do. At no time did he put an ultimatum on choosing him over family.

Ultimately, all I wanted was to have a relationship with Tom while keeping a relationship with my family. They were the ones who created an ultimatum and cut off communication with me .

We got married a year ago . I invited them to the wedding but they refused. I haven’t had a relationship with my family for over a year .

I ‘ve kept the door open . They say it’s just too hard to be with him. It’s not that he behaves badly or anything like that. He has been warm and welcoming to them.

I should add my second daughter ( whom I have been closest to ) has come to our house a handful of times and brings my 11 year old grandson. She has a mental illness - anxiety and bipolar disorder. She says it’s just too upsetting for her to be in a relationship with me. The oldest daughter and granddaughter want nothing to do with me. I have a therapist- she is shocked by their behavior. As she says - I’m an emancipated adult who can run my own life . She says “if they only knew what awful things parents have done to their children they would think differently. “

I’m heartbroken, of course, but know in my heart I was a very good mother and grandmother who deserved a good life after devoting 52 years to my daughters’ lives .

Emotional Pain...apparently it's real. Estrangement is a bullet that's hard to recover from... Reading Tia Wakefield's "...three step..." recommendations I was compelled to write a short comment. Never seen such bad (cheap) advice... not so much about seeking some assistance in processing the estrangement...more so that her perspective leans heavily in favor of the child's decision to cut ties with a parent. She takes this Elysian approach that you need to be self-deprecating and "..be prepared to own your mistakes..."

Nonsense... If the child wants to lash out and dump the parent(s) under the bus, it does not mean automatically the parent(s) did one thing(mistakes) wrong. Decades ago I was involved in "rescuing" minor children, teens, from a cult group in Ojai California. The parents didn't do anything wrong. The individual child was brainwashed. There was no validation for an "amends" letter in this scenario.

Notice how Ms. Wakefield denies any description or explanation or parameters of what an "amends letter" comprises or entails. There is a reason she skips over this Folks.

For the most part, this quote from her "recommendations"...

"You may struggle with hearing how you have disappointed or hurt your grown child, while your child may get overly invested in hanging onto the anger they have because it feels good to keep blaming someone when you feel wronged by them."

Sorry... You are not responsible for what someone else, "thinks" no matter how they arrived at their "thinking decision" to be estranged from their parent. Obviously, there are instances of behaviors from both parent and child and even just from a parent(s) that leads to estrangement.

But given Ms. Wakefield is predisposed to automatically assign responsibility, some or all of the responsibility, to the parent, is just a way to suggest her notions of "wisdom" equates to a "let's create a comprise" so the child and parent can accept and maybe agree to or on an amicable solution.

Sort of like a cheap lazy lawyer when you ask to get justice and the lawyer tries to get you to compromise and share some guilt, making his job much easier and more profitable for him/her with the least amount of work.

This will not erase or cure whatever caused the estrangement in the first place and I could give a list of conditions that would not assign blame to a parent(s). I do agree, people have been programmed to "hope" which may or may not be healthy depending on the facts and terms of the estrangement.

Which, in this article, the child, for the most part, has initiated the estrangement and set the terms.

What I can say, is the circumstance of a child's estrangement can split you, your heart and your mind, your sense of reality, into two or more pieces and it is more than just tuff to hold it together, at times or what feels like all the time.

Many estrangements will not end well as the beginning of this article points out in its lead-in quotation. Acceptance and this quote below may be the only solace from a child/parent estrangement.

"Love seeks one thing only, the good of the loved one. It leaves all the secondary effects to take care of themselves. Love, therefore, is its own reward."

— Thomas Merton

I’m a single mother of a 37 year old daughter, who since puberty has showed signs of discontent with me. She didn’t come to me as a teenager and as a young adult she left home and moved in with a boyfriend. She has always been smart and way ahead of the class, and able to handle many accomplishments at once. She always had a great job and now she owns a house.

She is not happy with me. I find her bossy and always ready to tell me what I’m doing wrong. I feel like I have to think twice before I say anything to her for fear of being criticized or cold in her communication.

I had her when I was 33 . Her dad was a one night stand and I have never had any kind of relationship with him and now I feel like I am spending my life apologizing for having a child without a marriage. I don’t know if she holds that against me but I don’t seem to be someone that she wants to spend any good amount of time with.

The way she talks to me and the things she says hurt very deeply. I have been told to go on with my life and try not to be so obsessed over the situation, and I do for awhile but it’s hard to be treated that way by your only child. I get depressed and I feel a huge fear of losing her in my life. I have tried to communicate with her in loving, gentle, understanding ways and I put up with her verbal abuse. I live with this huge pain in my heart.

Hello, I'm a single mother of three, and grandmother of six.

My two oldest Adult children are thirty-four, thirty-two, they have not only cut me out, my eldest and his current wife have purposely and vindictively set out to cause me physically and mentally abuse. Why? I really have no idea? SERIOYSLY. I raused all my children from day one alone, well with my mother mostly. Very young i did not get the degree, or education i should have to earn the income to comfortably be on our own. However they always had all they needed, that the law required. No suport from their biological father ever. However i made them spend time with him and his family as they grew up, to know both sides. The struggle was and is real. We where very close until their teen years when. They realized certain family members had money, they choose to move away from me. Our relationship became less abd less comunacation with no visits, until they graduated. Then they started having children and broought me back around. I was needed. I cherished every second i spoke or saw them. Til one day their significant other shared their true feelings for me. It was so brutal, so cut throat, that i had not seen this comming. Now three years pass. And i get gossip from friends that i have said something ir did something badly towards them? That is not true. I dont understand why they continue to lie and pull me in when they obviously want nothing to do with my broke drama life. My youngest child is still with me and has a small part in there lives, by their choice. I encourage a stronger better relationship to her big brother and sister always, but they seldomly include her or communicate with her for reasons i can only guess? They are materialistic and self-centered adult children. They cant benefit through her right now, so she is put on the back burner til further notice. My youngest says she sees them as distant friends of mine, not as her brother and sister, always has felt that way. My adult children i raised, are excellent hard working, committed to their partners, children, friends, pay their bills on time, respectful to all others, and pets. Their relationship has gotten strong with their biological father even tho he never was or wanted to be around. I devoted my time my life to my children, and grandchildren, and now im the one person cast out and none of my family members will step up to help with mending this estranged tragedy with a broken mother and her children. Everyone knows i am and have been a devoted parent. Schools, doctors, friends, family.. But seem to think this is what i deserve. I am trying to live everyday with this, and move it behind my tears i hold back. Holidays are much much harder. Where im the only one not included. I spend alone. I do pray for them that they are healthy, happy and suffer not. But to show them that alienating me for whatever reasons? Judgging me holding grudges for whatever ive done or not done? They will see im not perfect. Were all sinners but to see the error in their decessions, before its to late. Is my prayers. Thanks for any advise, or comment's in my broken family life. My prayers for everyones family that you just love them all unconditionally.

I would like to give hope to the people on here. I was estranged from my dad for awhile after some hurtful comments he made to me when I introduced my newborn son to him as a single mother. I tried to keep lines open and invite him over or go to dinner with my dad, his wife and my son as he grew up over the years.

I finally got a letter around the time of the shut down with Covid and in it my dad apologized and took responsibility for that time when he made hurtful comments. I now talk to him regularly and went down to visit with him and his wife, staying in their home for a few days.

There is hope. I always had wanted this but it did take a changing of his heart towards me and acknowledging some hard truths to allow the trust to be rebuilt.

Now my son has turned against me with his father who always had it in for me throughout his life and I am so sad but I am trying to hold on to the hope that one day he will see me in the light that I saw my father.

I’ve been estranged from my daughter for about 5 years,she texts me every 2 months but I haven’t seen her or my 5 year old granddaughter in 4 years.My granddaughter&I were very close and I miss her a lot.My daughter isn’t talking to me because we bought a house together 6 years ago and sold it 2 years later.She couldn’t buy me out.I wanted the house sold because of her husband,my son-in-law.If he wasn’t around we would be talking today.We had to sell the house because of him.I had to go to rehab because I started to drink more living with him.I didn’t know how to cope with him.He has a temper,he’s vindictive and not well liked.He controls my daughter,I told her that one day and so has my mom.

When I was in rehab,they got married,they didn’t tell me.I found out from my sister,I was heartbroken.I know it was my son-in-laws idea.They were mad when I told them I was selling the house,that’s why they did it.I was in rehab for a couple months and I had an apartment lined up when I left there.I told my daughter that I was going to come and get my stuff when I got out.When I got there with the movers,my son-in-law blocked the driveway so the truck couldn’t get in,he decided to paint the wooded floor of the mud room that is at the front door so the movers couldn’t move things from the front door.I went around to the back and he had the locks changed because my key wouldn’t work,I banged on the door to let me in.He told the movers that he was going to make this move difficult for me.I had to call the police because of him.My daughter wouldn’t do anything.I left with my clothes,tv,dresser,bed and other small

things.I left all my furniture there,dishes,microwave.Most of the stuff in the house was mine.I texted my family about what he was doing and they told me to just leave.I was in tears that he did this,and It was on the advice of my doctor that I needed my own place.I would of stayed if my son-in-law wasn’t around.He asked the movers my new address but they wouldn’t give it to him.They knew he was a problem,I was so glad they helped me move.That is why I don’t see my daughter&grandaughter.I know it’s not her,it’s my son-in-law.I just wish she would open her eyes to see what he’s doing.I don’t know why adults use their kids as a pawn of control against grandparents,they are just hurting the kids by not having a relationship with grandparents.He ruins relationships with people around him.He doesn’t talk to his parents.My ex-husband doesn’t say anything,he knows if he did he wouldn’t be seeing her either.I don’t know why they can’t put this behind them.Why dwell on the past?I would be talking to my daughter if the shoe was on the other foot.

My siblings have talked to her but she won’t listen to them.She was close to them.

This is awful what he has done,and he won’t change.

My 29 year old daughter started ghosting me about 8 mos. ago. We were planning a big wedding for October and navigating the covid situation. We were also very close at her persistence. She called me daily until she lost her job. She even said she wished I could be her maid of Honor. She gave no explanation for shutting me out. I handled it very poorly. I'm sure it could have been fixed with a conversation, but was never given the opportunity to make whatever amends needed to made. I have also apologized for anything/everything I can think of. My husband and I were left out of all wedding plans, but were able to attend. She was cordial while in front of everyone.

I almost never sleep well. I typically go over and over everything in my head at night with her- arguing, explaining, apologizing, yelling, crying. It's getting better, but it still can come back after the lights go off.

I am reconciled to this being the new norm, but she has a great deal of stuff in our garage. She gets mail at our house. Her car has my name on it. Do I take it all to her? Ignore her mail that arrives? Let my son take her mail or stuff to her?

I'm just not sure what to do. I don't want to make it worse, but the anger is fighting with the "you need to be the adult" feeling. Hoping she would have some epiphany about what she's given up, but after reading what others have been going thru, I'm not going to hold my breath.

My daughter and I have always been extremely close. We are so alike it's scary sometimes. She is brilliant graduated from high school a year early to walk with her brother and her boyfriend. Little did I know she was pregnant at this time. Her bf was going into the military and I know she got pregnant put of fear of losing him. We had our battles during this time but I supported her while he was away at basic training and a school. When I got upset that he was not helping her with anything she decided to move into his parents house. This is right before my grandson was born. I was there for the delivery, we stayed close throughout the issues she had with her in-laws and her husband. She had another child. Then suddenly she blows up and says she wants a divorce(this wasn't new...she had been stalling) He moved out immediately. I start hearing rumors pretty quickly that she is seeing her brothers old best friend. Her brother(who she is obviously close with..or was) and this guy hate each other. So she is now not speaking to her brother. Says she is an adult and doesn't have to have people in her life if she doesn't want to. She has cut the grandparents out of the boys lives completely. Their dad is a pos but his parents have always been really good to the kids! His mom is a lot to deal with but I know she loves and misses the kids. So I have voiced my opinion over her choices. I don't have to agree with everything she does. But she didn't come to my mother's for Thanksgiving and now plans to miss Christmas as well because it will be uncomfortable for her bf to be around her brother. I got upset about this and told her. She has basically cut me off(even more now) I wasn't invited to my grandsons birthday party. She had it at her bf's mom's house. Nothing big she said...it wasn't a big deal. I had presents for him at my house from my mother and I since Thanksgiving. She never came to get them until I put them on the back porch so she could grab them while I was gone. I am so upset over this . I always wanted a daughter. We did everything together. We used to talk 3 or 4 times a week at least. She stopped taking my calls even before this argument. I am worried what is going on over there. Her bf is super controlling. He flipped out on the parent of her childhood best friend on Facebook because he was drunk and didn't realize who he was. I miss my daughter and my grandsons. I don't know what to do to fix this. I have apologized. She just said okay, when can I pick up the presents.

Sorry this is so long :(

I thank you all for sharing your stories, I found some similarities and comfort to my story.

In hopes that someone finds some comfort reading my story, here's mine:

I married young, (at 18) and had my children really early on as well. Unfortunately, after 15 yrs of marriage we divorced. My children were 15 &(twins)12. After the divorce, their dad became absent and the seldom times he saw them, he would end up hurting them much more. It was hard to see their dad un-love his own children, that I over-compensated by over-protecting them. After almost 2 yrs of heartaches, I found someone I could make a life with and decided to give myself a new chance. Saw an opportunity to move to a different state and took it. Perhaps, that was the beginning of the downfall. By this time, my oldest was 18, and the twins 15, I figured the move would bring us new experiences, new beginnings. It would only benefit us all, so I thought. As much as I wanted to blend my family, and even though we all lived together, I never let that be. My own experience with my step-dad wasn't the greatest, so I didn't want my children to experience a step-parent. Needless to say the dynamic of the new family was strenuous. Despite all, things were okay between my children and I. I figured, the disagreements we'd have were normal adolescence tantrums and they would grow out of that behavior sooner or later.

My oldest is 23 now, and last year she moved back to our home state, but after only 6 months, had to move come back due to COVID19. She moved in with friends, and hardly visits me. About 2 months after she moved back, we had an argument out of the blue. I tried to ask her why she was so upset, and all I got was "I don't want to talk to you. You're overbearing". It's been a little over a month that we have talked. I've only tried a couple of times to reach out to her, since I want to respect her boundaries, but this is killing me slowly. Her and her sister (20, who still lives at home) are extremely close. They work together and even spend the weekends together. I noticed my younger daughter turning on me after a weekend with her. I try not to ask her about her older sister, because I know that would only put stress on her. She is extra-sensitive these days, because my son, her twin brother, is on deployment in the Mediterranean sea, and we recently got word, we may not see him right after his return due to the virus.

At this time, I'm trying to focus on other things in my life and really try to stay happy and positive. I'm trying to give her the space she wants, however it's heart wrenching not to be able to reconcile with her. I feel, that if I don't try to mend things, she will not try to reach out to me. Mainly because I think she's emotionally immature. I'm considering counseling to help me cope with the pain and help me understand this transition of parenting young adults. Your comments are much appreciated.

Here’s the thing, our family has always been very close, our son and daughter are 5 years apart. Both of our kids are treated equally we try our best as parents to help them with everything they need which includes medical needs, financial support, emotionally, mentally and have just been mom and dad with all kinds of ups and downs they have gone through. Anytime there was a problem we either talked it out or cried it out and even yelled it out, and the problem was solved. Now that our kids have grown up, our daughter has been married and divorced twice and our son has been married twice and divorced once. Welp our son has gone through cancer and has been doing great, he has met his 5 year cancer free. We are so very blessed and humble. Welp now our son has remarried and during the time he was dating her things were good, then they got engaged, well his lie moved pretty fast with so many changes,during this time of it all, our son was living in his memas house and was offered to buy part of the house, here’s the thing mema put the house into both of her boys names, and in the will she requested for the house to stay in the family. My husband’s brother wanted to sell his part, and my husband wanted to keep his part and let our son buy his uncles part of the house. Ok my husbands brother was written a check for his part from the realtor, then my husband brothers name was off the house and now the house was in my husband’s name and our sons name which meant our son took over the payment for his uncles half of the mortgage. Well our son lived there for 2 years and paid the payment and was working on some remodeling and then folks were giving him offers to sell it, my husband said no, this created a problem then our son stopped working on the house, and my husband had to pay for a contracted to finish it up and he himself had to complete the flip of the house. During this time our daughter put her house on the market it sold in a week she was not expecting that, it passed all inspections she had 3 weeks to move out. She had a baby and a house full of furniture and no where to live. She offered a large amount of money to our son, and asked him if she could live in the house and take up payments,her and her daddy agreed on it, and our son said he would move into his fiancé’s grandmas house until he got married so his daddy and I helped our son pack while he was out of town, when he came back we visited with him about his sister moving in and he was real quite about it and said ok. Welp the next day we went by to check on him, all of his stuff was moved out,a few weeks went by, and we thought everything was ok then things changed his fiancés grandma had sold the house he was living in and her family gave her all the money and then he asked money for the wedding we gave it to him, he did not introduce us to anyone as his family at the rehearsal or wedding we were so hurt. Then months went by and one day his daddy took him too lunch and our son told him he did not want anything else to do with us. Time has gone by and off and on we do talk to him but only at his job, other than that he we do not communicate with him unless there is a death or something major. He hadn’t been to our home in 3 years, he is still married to this women and he does not have anything th do with us outside of work and had asked us not to text him. I continue to leave messages and voicemails to let him know we love him and miss him. We’re heart broken, frustrated and just not sure what else to do♥️

Signed

Turtle Dove 🕊

I'm the estranged adult child.

I know this is about our kids not speaking to us.. I, however,am the adult daughter who nobody speaks to.. Why? They couldn't handle me expressing my feelings, and, they didn't like being pointed to the mirror!

This is more common than people would admit.. Personally, I don't know many families without these issues!

I don't know. I think that I am at the point that I might not even love my son anymore.

Its been 2 years of about 15 visits - his mom did the Paternal Alienation Thing - married a very successful guy and they have used tons of $ to lure my 16 year old. He calls the other guy dad, doesn't see me (I am recovering from prostrate cancer), stole $ from me, and just doesn't want to see me.

I was a great dad.

Now, I am on meds to help me cope - thank God. I am a Christian and have given it to Jesus Christ - but in my heart I know this is a lifetime break and I had my son late in life - I am now 65 (very fit, active, working). But it is like a cloud lifted and I am moving on,,,, not moving fast, but starting to move on...

anybody else feel this way?

My son is twenty he can be aggressive and he can be violent , and especially now he is older and much bigger he has physically got the better than me so it took a long time for me to forgive him , I'm not sure I should but I'm a big softie so I couldn't see him sleeping outdoors .

Now we are both getting on but it's not a father , son relationship

I am a recovering addict and doing well but now he is using weed and I feel responsible obviously , living in fear S.

@Broken2017

I never did find out why and when I tried to breach the subject she flew off the handle. I have kept my distance and slowly she sends a text of acknowledgement but I don't obsess over it and keep busy with my own life. I did hear thru other sources that it has nothing to do with me and it's her unhappiness on how her life is going. Remember that daughters need their mothers as much as we do them, they just don't value or realize how short life is and think they have all the time in the world so take us for granted. In other words they park the relationship and comfortable with that...while we are so enamored with the fantasy that we will be best of friends as we once were.

Give it some time, money is not everything...give that love to yourself and others that appreciate you and when she's ready to talk then you will be able to decide at what level you want to be in her life vs versa. Good luck.

My heart is broken for the last time.  My just turned 30 year old daughter is slowly excommunicating me from her life and I don't know why. When I ask her what is going on she just tells me that the doesn't want to go into depth at the moment but that 'we are not in a good place right now".  I have made several attempts to get to the bottom of her issues with me and she refuses to discuss them. At one point when I was unexpectedly uninvited to her boyfriends bday dinner with no explanation she just screamed at me on the phone until I couldn't take it anymore.  Nothing she said made sense.  And nothing I say or do is right.  I am always the bad guy.  And boy does she project her own behavior on me!  She accuses me of the very things she is doing or saying even at that very moment.   I have offered to go to therapy with her and she agrees but is never available to do so.  I returned three  months ago back to our home town and she has clearly become very close to her father (we have been divorced for some time) as well as her young stepmother.  Her father is also a multi millionaire and I am merely middle class.  He has funded a restaurant for her chef boyfriend as well.  

The last straw of hurt from her  was two days ago when I wasn't even invited to her birthday dinner which happened with her father ( he and I are very civilized and have shared many bday dinners with our children, so the issue is not his) So, I as the mother of the bday girl was not included to celebrate her milestone birthday!  This hurts so much that i cannot bear it.    Especially since I don't know what Ive done to deserve this.  I have sent her so many messages telling her that no matter what I still and will always love her and sent her a happiest of bday wishes.  This is killing me and I don't know what to do.  I was so excited to be moving back and finally being close again to one of my kids but all she does is shun me away.  It's almost as though she is mad because I came back and now my presence is somehow interfering with her wonderful relationship with her father (who is now her best friend she told me) and stepmother.  The ones with all of the money.  Its hard for me to just let it go and hope that she comes around.  All I ever wanted is a close respectful and loving relationship with my kids which I have with my other daughter and son.  But not her for some reason, my middle child.  She also tries to pit us all against each other .   I spent so may years prior to my divorce basically raising those kids on my own because dad was never around.  And this is how she treats me.  I am heart broken.  There is nothing worse than 'not knowing why'.

I just found this group today. I am so lost right now,  My son is 24 and dating a woman who is 44 they have been together 3 years and I think they are getting closer and closer.  Not that she is a 44 year old woman but she has taken my son to the lowest of lows.  No job, no ambition but to take care of her and she claims she is so hurt she can't work.   How about working from home as a customer service tech?  She claims my dog who is 23 lbs caused her pre existing condition to progress where she can hardly walk.  She can walk so her claims she is paralyzed, which she isn't I have first hand knowledge that she walked when he wasn't around but wish it would have been on a video ( not that he would have even believed that even with proof.  she is a free spirit and a hippy and he is too thanks to her messed up brain messing up his brain.  

She wants me to love her and open my home to her again as does he and I don't trust a thing she does.  Every time we talk I end up fighting and crying for days after the fight.   He wanted to block me because he grandmother said something to her / him on FB as they share an account and mostly it is her hiding behind his name.  He has no will to do anything without her.  Tries to tell me her kids are my grandkids and they are older than my son, as well as her grandchildren are his and they are my great grandchildren , they are in NO WAY MY GRANDCHILDREN!  

I want nothing to do with this family and try to avoid my son as I hurt so bad and we fight so I want to cut ties with him , my husband still talks to him , I feel so helpless as he is her one person cult.  I don' t know what to do.

Besides being roped into this lawsuit stuff with your ex husband , what issues are actually between just the 2 of you?

Her step mother will never be her mom.. she can be called mom but things eventually prove Mom to be The only mom.

Do they have any children together?

Is your daughter basically mad at you bc of things between you and your ex that really don't involve her over than being pulled into it?

if these are things her judgements are based on , know that taking the high road at all times is the only thing that will bring you together again eventually. write her a letter saying you really hate what has become of your relationship. that you will always have an open door to her , no matter what happens, ever.

That you don't agree with everything but you don't have to agree to still be her Mother.

You would like to one day have a mother daughter relationship just between the 2 of you , regardless of her other family relationships. She is allowed to have a mother , a father, a stepmother.. and one should not cost the other.

Tell her it's ok that she is upset with you , she is allowed to be upset.. if and when she would ever like to discuss issues with you , you will be more than willing to work together on re establishing any type of communication.

you do not blame her for anything , but feel you are losing your daughter who you love and to you , that is the only loss you are concerned with. you never wanted her to be at odds with you and you are here , nown. you are here later. You will always be here for her and you are not her enemy. you want her to be happy, you can mutually respect boundaries and have guidelines if that is what she needs from you. You would like to give her what she needs from you , to be in her life, but you need her to clarify those needs or unresolved issues.

you can even tell her you would be willing to go to a family therapist to work through problems with her so there is level ground, but you know she needs some time and that is ok.

put your email, your cell phone number, your work number if you have one, your home number if you have a land line. your home address even if she knows it and say all avenues to reach you are open to her if she decides she would like to .

stay away from the subject of your ex husband, his wife, how your daughter participated in this law suit, how she blocks you from her life. keep the point the same which is you love her and are always here but also make sure you don't come off like you are painting your self perfect which is why the boundaries or discussion topics are important..just save the things to be discussed, for an actual future discussion, not in this letter. try to keep it one to one and a half pages long ..no longer.

do not set time limits , do not demand anything just a message of love and as a possibility to form a future bridge .

Have a non partial family member give her the letter or ask your lawyer if they can give her the envelope by the end of trial. find out what you can do and do it then bc trial will be excluded as an aim for your words. it will already be the outcome it's going to be so your words will have no over shadowing ulterior motives for others to invent.

that's what I would do. seems like your one opportunity to give her a message from mom and even if it takes yrs to get a response, the likelihood of hearing anything from her with no letter is not looking very prominent.

My ex-husband filed a frivolous lawsuit against me. He talked my 21 year old daughter into joining him in the case and she has signed an a 3 page affidavit full of exaggerations and lies about me hoping her father will win the lawsuit. She has blocked me from her cell phone and won't tell me where she's living. I have always been a loving Mother and she considers her step mother her Mom now. I am going through the stages of grief.

I know the only time I'll see her again will be at the trial, and that will be the last time. Any advice?

Today marks the second anniversary, since my only son emailed me to say he disowned me, granted I made a terrible error of judgement, and interfered in a horrid way with his relationship, since his email, I've left approximately 6 voicemails, spacing them apart so as not to harass or trouble him, I keep my tone upbeat, telling I'm well, wish him and his girlfriend well, signing off with a love you, I told him every day, by text or end of phone call, for 28 years that I love you, as a single mum, I never went to bed sleep even after an argument without, saying I love you. I've emailed, almost monthly for the first six months again, being upbeat, apologies with no response. Two months ago I composed an email to his dad, asking him to advise my son to think about forgiving me, his dad lives in America, never paid child support, and we do not communicate, nonetheless I actively encouraged my son and his dad's relationship, and they have a strong bond, I had no one else to step in, as my child has great relationship with my family, but he is a strong minded independant man, with confidence a fantastic career, so apart from the fact he wouldn't listen, I don't want him to think I'm talking negatively to brothers, sisters, my mum, as I want him to separate his anger with me, and keep family bonds strong, especially as an only child, he has no sibling to confide in. He only ever sought advise or was challenged on behaviour by his girlfriend, me and his friends, his confidence, almost borders on an argorance, as he headed into his early twenties, the email to his dad, was not an emotional plea, but asking him as the only male in his sons life, I could turn to, in fact I explained to him that I had not asked anyone else, to suggest to Sean to think about making contact with me, I was kind to him, in my email, I asked him to consider the benefits to his son, the possible long term damage should my mum, or a family member fall ill, and his son and I, are still in no mans lands, the email back was a resounding no way, and get lost. My brothers sisters mum, welcomed this man into our family, though he deserted my son at 4 months, and didn't appear again until he was a teenager, I made it clear, that as Sean's dad, I had a duty, to show him respect, I stayed single through most of my sons life, and never let another man take the role of a dad. Expecting assistance from him, was not a mistake of mine, it is his mistake for not putting his son on a road that might benefit his only child, my family, me, I feel that he actually may be influencing Sean against me. His family live close to my family, they've attended 21st birthday party for Sean, again, I could have said no, they are not welcome, as throughout his childhood, his dad's mother sent a Christmas card, with only my sons name, and not mine, I hope I find that when or if I have to be in his dad or his family's company, again, I continue to hold my sons welfare , as to have to ask their sons help, swallowing my pride, and giving him an insight into my hurt, his dismal, curt horrid response, means he has also fractured any goodwill, I haven't told my mum, or family , so they will bear no ill feelings, but I do...

A month or so ago I composed a final email addressed to my son and girlfriend, I posted a copy here, I showed two very good friends who've know me and my son, for many years, to help me, I've had no reply, I actually didn't expect one, I'm not contacting my son again, he is almost 30, a grown man, he lived with me rent free, Bill free up till 4 years ago, I supported him with help from my family, through very challenging teenage years, I helped give him the skills to be the successful, independant, confident person he is, this is what friends say to make me feel that I wasn't a bad mum, bad person, I never critise my son, to these friends who were close to us both, of course they ask me has he been in touch, and seek to console even though, since my final email, I'm more accepting, I see the long term, rather than beating my own mind up, i throw some of the responsibity back on him, not out of anger, but because he is an adult, a grown man, our good and bad memories will come back, he will learn to smile at my stupidity and mistake, I'm 100 per cent sure of that, until then I surround myself with my blessings, my super family, friends, using the skill I thought my son, to be happy, so when he returns, he is proud of his mum, who tries to face all life's challenges with courage, integrity and a sense of fun

God bless, be strong everyone x

I just found this group today. As I read your posts, tears are falling for the pain we are all experiencing. My heart hurts for each of you and I pray God will comfort you in your grief.

Our daughter will be forty next spring, I'd single, childless and has never married, can't seem to sustain a longterm relationship. She was diagnosed as bipolar about eight years ago, dove into treatment and therapy. I believe she gave it all she had, but there were repeated medicine failures, unbearable side effects, titering up and down on new psychotropic meds rapidly that left her in an almost zombie-like mental state much of the time and finally, nothing left to try.

Finally she lost faith in her doctor and told us she isn't bipolar but has PTSD from her childhood.

There was no sexual or physical abuse in our home but she treats us as if there had been. About the time she lost faith in her psychiatrist, she sent me an email cutting off all contact. About two years ago. She included her brother and his family in the estrangement.

She was always a very sensitive child and her emotional reactions to anything at all seemed much stronger than the norm. This has carried into her adult life, it appears.

We know she is alive because she has a public social media account in which she makes untrue and hurtful statements about us, telling the world how horrible we are. Yes I go and read about once a month, just so I know she is alive. She's anorexic. We had more than ten years of her teens and early twenties where every day I expected to get a phone call telling me she had dropped dead of heart arrhythmia.

There was no quarrel, no fuss, no explanation when she broke off contact. She doesn't want to talk, email or do anything to work towards even just civility. Her father is certain she will some day want restoration to the family. I'm not so certain and as the time passes and I see what she is writing about us, my heart is growing hard towards her. That's not what I want to feel. I feel like a horrible person for not being sure I want reconciliation. As she is now, I'm no longer sure I want her in my life. How does a mother who has loved her child through all of these tough times come to this? What sort of mother thinks this way?

I still have those dreams once in a while. You may be over analyzing where you think you went wrong. When I had dreams of my daughter being in danger, I would google her, etc. After 20 minutes or so, I would snap out of it and stop myself.  I would tell myself that I was being obsessive, and not doing myself any good. I was not enjoying my own present or hers. So I got busy about other aspects of living my life. During the days I became stronger and it helped remove the bad nights. My dreams were strange at times, nonsensical. I don't think it matters if she is coming, going or disappearing. Your natural instinct is to worry in the worst way. You just have to take control over those nights. Wear yourself out so you are too tired to dream at all. Don't eat close to sleep time or drink coffee/tea. In time it really does get easier to become very much alive as, yes, a singular person on the planet. When you do see your daughter again, it will be good.

Look forward to that! Be Strong and patient with yourself. All the best to you.

It's too soon to know if there will be an estrangement.  But my daughter, I'm not even sure I want there to be a reconciliation if this is the treatment I can expect.   She told me to "Eff Off", (but used the terminology), told me I'm psychotic and need help, told everyone else in my orbit the same, about me.

Why?  What prompted this?    I have a friend I vent to online (emails).    Daughter is in a marriage with a guy who, while he does love her and is not abusive, .. he isn't capable of holding a steady job, other than being coddled (employed by my husband, who tucks him up under his wing and coddles him).   He has, her husband, been a source of a lot of frustration.  They have landed under my roof 3 x's to live as he and she can't make it financially (why doesn't someone get another job, to increase their dollars coming in?, good question, one I get slammed for asking, along with other questions one might ask if one is of sound logic).    He undermines and stirs the pot .. lies and says things that I did or said that hurt his feelings, untrue and embellishing, causing my daughter to then come at me (daughter is 28 yo).   

I vent, privately, in email to a friend.   

Daughter and her family living here, again .. unable to sustain themselves ... and needing to regain their footing, so they can move along again.    Her husband, complained to my husband (the father of this daughter, we've been married 30 + years) .. that I was bragging on the telephone about my soon to be empty-nest.  Indeed I was.   I was happy to see an empty nest upcoming.   Been a long time coming, and I was celebrating same.  I wasn't aiming this at him specifically for having landing here, . nor her (she wasn't here, she was at work) but he complained to my husband and my husband an dI fought ( a pattern this husband of her's is so very famous for ).    

This and so much more, just too much to name.

Suffice it to say, I vent my frustrations to a friend online, in emails, and mostly about this husband of her's .. who has caused so much hurt/frustration/anger, etc.   

Daughter snooped.  Read the emails while living here.   And behind that, I am to "eff off", I am "psychotic" and need help, I am "mentally ill", .. and any other of a number of choice words she's had for me, and hasn't spoken to me since, this has been 2 weeks ago.

From what I hear, she expects that I aplogize for remarks made in those emails (not meant for her eyes, by the way).    And absent any apology from me, .. she wants nothing to do with me.   

Incredibly painful.   

Suffice it to say, her husband, has some issues .. and I seem to be his target.  This all stems from the fact (they were high school sweethearts) .. and they began planning to marry soon out of high school, neither of them equipped to support themselves, and I stood firm they shouldn't marry until they could support themselves financially.   I, alone, stood that ground.    My husband (her father, .. his stance was really one of *they are going to marry* may as well get on board  .... that or don't be a part of it and regret it the rest of your life).  So I did get on board .. but it was with much reservation and consternation on my part (his parents, he only has his mother .. and stepfather, his mother stuck her head in the sand, in those days and went into denial that her only child, her precious baby boy was marrying and she disengaged from the whole process)   So it was me alone standing in that gap, that they shouldn't marry.  I believe that I have been despised since.   They have been married for 7+ years now, and one beautiful little 3 you girl.   

Her husband, .. had 2 jobs, when they first married, both of which were lost mysteriously (as was the case prior to them marrying, see above, .. my stance they shouldn't marry).  She had just finished hair school and hadn't yet built a client base from which to earn any decent living.   Ultimately her husband was hired by my husband, where he has been for approximately 6 years and my husband does admit, he is lacking, he will never be a skilled tradesman .... he just is ill equipped to do so, but my husband is too soft hearted to cut him loose and watch his grand daughter and his daughter suffer in the process, so he coddles him.

This, .. and the fact they don't make it financially and constantly have their hands out .. enough to cause me a lot of frustration, which I vent to a friend about via emails.   Only for her and her family to have landed here a 3rd time now, unable to sustain and stand on their own two feet ... and she snooped, at night, when I would go to bed.   She didn't tell me this while living here, of course.  Only once they got on their feet and moved out.  Then, is when I was blasted for the words I'd imparted to a friend in emails that she read, and that I'm psychotic and that I need help, I am mentally ill and that I can "eff off", etc etc etc.

I am in a state of grief, sadness, shock and total embarrassment.  I was traveling to my 26 year old son's hometown for a couple of days and I asked if I could stay at his place.  He said no.  His reason was that he was going to be away for a few days and that he "was not comfortable with "people" staying at his apt when he wasn't there".  I gasped for air when he said that.  I am his mother, I am not "people".  Did he think that I was going to rummage through his things or steal from him?  I am a law abiding citizen.  I have never broken the law or stolen anything in my life.  Besides, I brought most of the furnishings in his apartment, why would I want to steal that?  He has his own room in my home, furnished in his favorite color and he never needs an invitation to come here and to stay as long as he likes, as a matter of fact, I would always encourage him to stay longer!

He is my only child.  I have loved, respected, admired and doted on him from the moment of birth. I never cursed, let alone abused my child in any way, shape or form.  His mental, emotional. physical and spiritual health were of the utmost importance to me.  I would take a bullet without hesitation for that child.   There was nothing that I would not do for him and he was always first in my life.  I gave him a good life, I made sure that he had everything that he needed and many of the things he wanted.  I loved and nurtured him (I am a social worker) and I supported him 1,000%.  I never denied him, I stood beside him every step out the way. 

How he could turn away his own mother is absolutely out of my realm of comprehension.  I would be more likely to accept and understand this if he were on drugs, alcohol or had mental health problems but he doesn't.  He is in excelling in a masters' program at an Ivy League university.  I feel like I am dying inside, spiraling into this big black hole, I cannot imagine my life without him being a part of it.

Our son abandoned us about four years ago , we have been denied access to their child , even though he was introduced to us as an infant . The inlaws of course have it all .

His hatred for us as foreigners , is typical of first generation Americans . My wife was born in Germany and I in England. The contempt they show us is odd enough for me to wonder if they are mentally ill , he and his wife .

He was raised liberally , no violence . And we were really easy with him. The only things denied to him were drugs , booze and a party life. We are conservative , liberal and not religious.

In this group are two Doctorates and one medical degree.

*

The pain is blinding .

I am 65 and my wife two years older.

Everything is lost.

It really is killing me.

Alas we see no future as parents.

We were alienated from our parents , they were violent , dishonest and abusive . So he had no grandparents.

Perhaps this was the cause.

The meanness I see in this man , my son , astounds me.

I am a new member. Our 21 year old son is spoiled, disrespectful, and breaking us. Our soon to be 26 year old daughter broke my heart 2 years age when she shut me out of her wedding plans, but not her dad (we are still married-30 years.)

When she and her husband bought a house a couple months ago, my husband was there for inspection. I was passing through today, day of closing, thinking I could get a walk-through tour, but was met at the car and told real fast that I was not welcome. My heart sank, especially when my daughter said surely I would not come on the first day. All she had to do was be honest. What happened to honesty?

HEARBROKEN ON SPECIAL EVENTS!!!

Hello,  I am age 66 and a father that recently became estranged and alienated from both of my sons.  I went through a divorce in 1991 at age 40 and I was awarded sole custody of my two sons that were then ages 6 and 8 years of age.  

My two sons are currently ages 31 and 33.  One week ago I became alienated and estranged from my 31 year old son who seems to be very narcissistic.  He was diagnosed as having a learning disability all through grade school, junior high, and high school.  My other son who is 33 years old took his brothers side in this and he made some snide remarks to me on Facebook and then stopped all contact with me.  This is not the first time that I have been alienated from both of my two sons, they have done this to me at least 3 to 4 times in the last decade.  

After this recent estrangement and alienation took place I did some research on the internet and I found several websites that said children in the age bracket from 18 to 34 are called the "millennial generation" are becoming alienated and estranged from their parents and it is becoming an epidemic.  

I tried to be the best father I could be with no instruction manual on how to raise children, I just used common sense and got advice from my own parents when I needed help.  I feel that the reason this "epidemic" is happening is because my generation "the baby boomers", wanted their own children to have a better childhood than they did.  I know that was true for myself.  I tried to get my children most anything that they asked for in the way of "toys" when they were young and now I see that this "spoiled them rotten".  Throughout their 20's and now into their 30's when I don't do what they want me to do, I get talked to with disrespect and if I don't cave in to their demands they reject me and stop talking to me months at a time.  I am sick of this cycle and I don't know how to break it.  I am thinking about not contacting either son for a least a period of six months to see if they try to reach out to me for a reconciliation.  Why am I doing that you might ask, it is because this alienation and estrangement by them seems to be very manipulative on their part because they both know that I love them.

I recently joined a support group on Facebook called "Parents of estranged and alienated adult children" which is helping me deal with this.  That support group's page is flooded with stories just like this website.

Jackie,

Thank you for your post. I too have often thought the same

thing that you stated. I have parents that have and still to this day make MANY mistakes. Mistakes

that I believe in my heart were/are worse than I ever did/do as a parent. Still I

have chosen to maintain a relationship with both of them. They are my parents.

They are human. ALL humans make mistakes from time to time.

 I have 3 biological children and 2 nieces that my husband

and I have raised since ages 3 and 4. Our oldest daughter, now 27, was adopted by my

husband at the age of 5 after being dis-guarded by her biological father. Although my husband is not her biological father, she was raised as is she was, just as my nieces are.  He is a wonderful man.

Of

course, hindsight is always 20/20. We now realize our daughter had a lot of

emotional and possibly even, mental issues. In high school she once told a teacher

that a relative of ours had committed suicide while on the phone with her the

night before. Right then and there we should have gotten professional help. It

turns out that was just the tip of an iceberg we were dealing with. Long story

sort of short, 10 years later she has cut off all ties with our entire family,

including grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc...We honestly believe that

she has told so many lies and done so much wrong to our family that she believes her own lies and has justified her actions in her mind. The worst part is she has started a family and

now has a relationship with her father who abandoned her. He now has the

privilege of having our beloved grandson in his life and a granddaughter that

we have never met.

 I have read many posts on this blog that talk about

personality disorders. With no substance, physical or emotional abuse in the

home and 4 other children that seem to be well adjusted and loving, we can't

help but think that must be the problem with our oldest daughter. She is a phenomemal liar and manipulator as was her biological father. The ability to intentionally

inflict so much pain on your entire family is simply mind boggling.

I also need to ask alls advice. This June will be one year my daughter hasnt spoken to me.

Ive been hesitant about changing my phone number in hopes she might call. But as the days ware on, i grow more and more unhopeful.

Do i change my number and move on?

I think every parent is dysfunctional and theydont give you a owners manual on how to raise children. Parents and kids are not perfect.

Im still in the dark on why daughter stopped talking to me. May never know but I know I did the best I could without emotional support from my own family. I blame my parents and my kids will blame me and their kids will blame them.

I´m not one to comment or post on the internet but reading all these comments from parents diagnosing their estranged adult child as NPD or personality disordered is saddening. Even if the diagnosis was done by a professional - there are plenty of personality disordered therapists who blame the victim.

I believe these parents need to question how a child grows up to be personality disordered if  they grew up in a healthy environment. Of course parents who are not capable of self reflection nor have the ability to take responsibility have no interest in looking at themselves as projecting on to a child is indeed an easier way of avoiding responsibility and seeing reality. 

Why would any adult child raised by a healthy parent (or at least a genuinely remorseful parent) have the desire or need to estrange themselves from the parent? There is possibly some exceptional cases but the vast majority of these children are not disordered but infact healthy individuals who see the sad reality of who their parents are.

I think most adult children would agree that to be estranged from their family is painful and is only done out of necessity.

I am convinced that estrangement is in part inherited like a defective gene, or that you can become infected by it by being exposed to it.

I wonder how many parents of estranged children have their own parental estrangements? Estrangement can be defined as moving away and having minimal contact with family, right through to no contact at all.

My father estranged me when I was 33, after we had an argument about him continuing to put my mother down to me and then to my children. They had been divorced for 28 years by then and I'd had enough of it as a child. It's been 9 years and we have not spoken since. I haven't tried to contact him and he hasn't tried to contact me. But I had already been estranged from him for most of my life leading up to the argument. I'd lived overseas for 17 years, and had always lived in another state growing up after the divorce.

Now my adult daughter has estranged me. I'm not one of those parents who claims to not know why this has happened. I believe in many ways she has been taught how to do this, by me and by my parents, who learned it from their parents....

Miscommunication, a lack of self reflection and an inability to take true responsibility for things imagined or real are all part of estrangements.

Curious if anyone has estrangement running through their family too?

I am 40 with a son who will be 18 in August, whom I have not spoken to in eight days, and apparently he never wants to speak to me again.Last week, he became very abusive towards my 12 year old daughter, he threw her down on the floor, kicked her,smashed her iPhone and threatened to kill her.I called the police and he was brought to a juvenile detention facility.

I know I haven't been the best mother, when he was small I had depression/anxiety that was untreated and although I took care of him well physically,I wasn't the best parent emotionally.That said, I love him dearly and I'm sick with worry and the fear that we will never see him again.What can I do? He will not be able to come back to live with myself, my daughter and my 10 year old son, as he was charged with assaulting my daughter, so he will be in a group home until he is 18.I know he hates me and I feel so, so guilty, He has a substance abuse problem as well, and he's lost a lot of weight.I just want him to get well, but I'm scared that he won't and he will die.

How can I face life without 1/3 of my heart?

I agree with Faith. I ended relationship with family 20+ yrs ago only to have sister and brother cont to say it is my responsibility to be involved with them and then hear endless complaints about how parents criticize them and compare them to cousins  and somehow this is all my fault. 29yrs I was told I was too tall, too ugly,not smart enough, the ungrateful recipient of glasses and braces who took food from the other 3 kids by being alive. Yet the siblings were still being told I continued to damage the family after 15yr absence with only contact of siblings being initiated by siblings .I called mother and told her I can forgive her for all the pain she caused and would resume limited contact if they had counselling but was told she needed no forgiveness for she was a perfect mother. I ended all relationship with all biological family for another decade then ran into a second cousin who is also the black sheep in his family. Seems the rants of parents have continued against me to any who will listen and they have only heard my voice once for 3 minutes in nearly 30 yrs.

If believing I have a right to be alive without ever hearing"I only stayed with you for the children" shrieked by mother  who then would hit me screaming I was the reason which ever sibling started crying that minute, is NPD in your book go for it. Several mental health providers have said I have PTSD and toxic family must be avoided.

  For every parent who is blaming an adult child for not allowing access to their children, give it up. Focus on making a good relationship with your adult child and know that they are seeking to break the cycle of pain and dysfunction. The grandchildren are watching their parents who are role models, anchors, providers, you cannot live long enough to make amends with another generation. Stick to the generation you were responsible to raise.

Mamahurts After reading every word of  your post from quite some time ago, I feel like I wrote this!!! —Every single emotion:  anger, hurt and they vacillate a million times in a day! Furious, sad, guilty (??), yet I know what I did was no different than any other typical Mother.  I’m a wreck.  I’ll never get over this!  You expressed my feelings better than I ever could.  As I said, I feel like I authored it!

My best wishes and luck to you & your husband,

Heartbroken1

Mamahurts Unfortunately, I totally agree with you!  I’m in exactly the same position.  I’m hurt to the core of my being!  SO SO HURT.  When you said “it will never be right again”, I feel the same way — even if we ever do see or speak again. It can never be the same.  I’ve had a lot of emotional pain in my life and by far, this is the worst pain, an open wound that can’t form a scar.  I’m not even asking for him to HONOR me, just show some caring & interest!  No parent deserves this unless they were really physically or unbelievably abusive and I do not believe that the majority of us have been.This may sound sick, but at least with death there is some closure and the steps to grieving can be attained.  In our case, we don’t even have that closure.  An open wound that can’t form a scar as I said.

I can’t speak for anyone else on this site, but I for one, completely support you and sincerely feel your pain.  Your pain IS my pain!

Dear Chance2013

I came across your posting while searching for a support/bereavement group.  There aren’t any that I can find except in England!

While reading your post, I absolutely couldn’t believe what you were & are experiencing.  My situation is almost identical for the exception that I’m not part of a “solid unit”.  I am a single Mother, divorced & a non-present Father since my son was 3 years old.   I too, am quite sure my adult child (30+years) has NPD.  So as I’m sure you have done, I’ve read everything available regarding this disorder & it isn’t a pretty picture not that I needed to read about it because I’ve been living this for years but didn’t know what the cause & reason was.  My heart goes out to you & for me, I don’t ever think I’ll recover from this estrangement.  I can go on & on with a million examples & things I’ve done including psychiatric help when he was a child.  As you probably know, many personality disorders aren’t diagnosed when they are so young.  So now, in the 20’s & 30’s…..  the cake is baked!

I too want to SCREAM when I read that most of the time it’s the parents, especially the Mother’s fault!  What compounds this “open” wound, that is slowly killing me, is that this situation is stigmatized!  I find no relief being around my contemporaries because all they do is talk about their children & grandchildren- so where is the relief & chance to get this off my mind for even 5 minutes?  As a result & predictably, I’ve become isolated, heartbroken & a totally broken person declining every single day.

I 100% relate & feel for you. Thank you for reading the betrayal  abandonment that I’m living with.

Heartbroken1

Sometimes it is the case that your child has a personality disorder. We are 99% sure our son has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. We loved and supported him all through childhood, then through 6 years (and $90,000) of college, then when we let him know he would have to take out student loans for grad school, he started bullying us to get us to change our mind. When we finally set our boundaries and refused to respond to his emails, he disappeared. Our hearts are broken. We always had the feeling that it was a "pay to play" relationship. So when we were no longer of any use to him, he dropped us. As he is our only, we are grieving the picture of how we thought it would be having him in our life as an adult child. We are a solid unit and moving on with our lives, but it is a kind of grief for which there is no support group (except perhaps here?). This past weekend was his 26th birthday, and it felt so wrong that we weren't celebrating with him.

Also, when I read on this forum that most of the time the parents are to blame, I feel SO sad and want to scream. Lots of time it IS the child, and there are reasons, like mental illness or personality disorders, and the parents are not to blame.

I have been estranged from my only son for ten years and my two granddaughters. He and I were extremely close his entire life. However when he got married at 27 years old, the new woman in his life was extremely jealous and insecure of our close relationship. Therefore she basically told him its me or your mother. Him being like me in the fact he doesn't like confrontation, obviously chose his wife and daughter. I don't blame him for that decision at the time bring newlyweds and new parents. However, it's been ten years and surely she still can't believe I'm any kind of a threat to her. After all, I'm not his ex-wife or an ex-girlfriend, I'm his Mother!! I am an only child and had recently lost my own father, then 7 months to the day, lost my only uncle, and a short 11 days later, my

Mother. All of this loss was too much for me to bear unable to cope with my grief and heartache on a daily basis. I spent time in a mental hospital and upon my return home, my husband of 40 years informed me he had been in another relationship for the past 25 years and wanted a divorce. I thought my life was over having to deal with another loss. Thank God, I met a wonderful man online 6 years ago and we were married in May. My only daughter who was married a year ago and had a baby girl in June, hates him and sent me a nasty text telling me I chose my husband over her and my granddaughter. So now we too are estranged since she wants nothing to do with us. I'm more depressed than ever, with no family left, I'm unable to function at my job and have had to file for pension disability. I'm currently seeing a therapist and attend group therapy on a regular basis to no avail however. My heart is shattered in pieces and the void is unbearable. I need help with trying to cope especially with the holidays approaching. I miss my new baby granddaughter terribly as well as my other two granddaughters that don't even know who I am. I've got stage three kidney disease and I pray every day for some kind of answer. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated. Thank you marian

I am an estranged parent of almost 3 years from my son, and my grandchildren. And while the whole experience is difficult and I suffer from a broken heart I pause to remember that it takes two in any relationship to make it work. Relationships are an investment in which we all have to work at. We are all imperfect and will agree to disagree but we need to respect each other unconditionally and value each other without judgement.

We all make mistakes, trip up, and fall short of what another perceives we should be or should do. But we are to love, forgive and have kindness. If we all could be patient and see the best in everyone maybe we would All be spared of estrangement. Someone told me I have a lot of love to give and to give it to those who want it. I try to follow that as advise.

I love my son no matter what and I hold onto all the good memories and hope and pray we will embrace each other again one day. If you love someone you have to let them go and respect their wishes.

Loose yourself in service Volunteer by serving others and you will find your way of positive healing over time. You will learn much about yourself through the process and find joy in helping others.

I hope this helps someone out there who suffers from a broken heart especially during the holiday seasons like I do.

May god bless you and help you though this difficult experience. And I hope you find peace.

Signed mother who has faith Gods love and in prayer.

Continued...

Is not a proper apology & doesn't do anything but show your adult child how right they were to cut you out of their lives.

I also want to say that those of you who think your adult children are suffering because of their choice to cut you off are most likely incorrect. I went thru a period of grieving the end of my relationship with my parents, but I'm so much happier with them out of my life than I was with them in it. I know they are hurting & I am sorry for that but I can only love them from far away, having contact with them is just too painful & damaging because of how they act

I just want to comment on the parents here who say they "have no idea why" their adult children have ended their relationship, or say the adult children "refuse to explain why" they have cut their parents off. My experience is that if you're really honest with yourself and think back to conversations with your adult children over the years, chances are they asked you again & again to please stop doing some hurtful behavior (example: being unkind to their partner or spouse, constantly criticizing them or their spouse or their children, saying unkind things about their other parent directly to them, putting them in the middle of your fights with someone they care about, saying negative things about someone they Care about, blaming them for your own unhappiness). And chances are good that you didn't really hear them because you may Have disagreed with what they said or felt defensive because you knew deep down its true, or you maybe you just can't see your adult child as an adult who is entitled to have their own feelings.

I almost cut my parents off 20 years ago, but decided to go back & Keep trying to transform our relationship into one that was not one-sided. For 20 years I asked for their respect & kindness, the same respect & kindness they demanded from me & I gave. But in the end I realized that they are just not capable, so yes I cut them off (and gave them clear written reasons why, and still they tell people they are "confused & have no idea why") and I don't respond to their attempts to communicate because after 20 years they have nothing new to say & I have no desire to get back on their merry go round.

Here's another bit of advice for cut off parents about making an apology. Many of you claim to have apologized over & over & say that your "bratty/entitled/narcissistic/ungrateful" etc adult children didn't accept your apology. But there are authentic apologies and there are the other kind. A proper apology requires one to look honestly at oneself & take responsibility for ones actions that have caused pain to another person. Saying "I'm sorry for what happened" or "I'm sorry You see it that way"

lost 4 now

hi i am a 47 year old mother who has a 29 year old son who i have a great relationship with granted it has come with some turmoil which im sure is to be expected i am very lucky to be a part of his and my daughter in law and more importantly my grandsons life my dilema lies with my now 21 year old daughter who has chosen to completely cut me out of her life due to a relationship she has with an individual who is vile and has no desire for me to have any relationship with her so much has been done for her and its like i no longer exist in her world and although i have listened to everyone tell me that its time to let go because she just doesnt care enough is so hard i have been threatened messed with in the head and im lost in feeling it will never be resolved i could type for hours i am at my wits end i feel alone and scared that i may never see or talk hug or be able to love my daughter anymore...

Dear Tina,

Thank you for this article.  I have a dear friend whose grown daughter and only child (now 40) cut off all communication with her several years ago, with no explanation.  She was not invited to her daughter's wedding or graduation from her Ph.D. program.  (the daughter is a therapist if you can believe that). My friend has reached out to her daughter but the daughter told her not to contact her anymore.  The worst part is my friend has just learned she is a grandmother.  When she reached out and asked her daughter to at least send a photo of her granddaughter, the daughter told her she would think about it, but eventually told her no and again please go away.  I don't know what to say to my friend.  I wish I could help.  I have even been tempted to contact the daughter.  But thought better of it, as it would probably just make things worse.  Any advice for my friend.  Thank you!

I am an estranged son. I am the eldest of six children. 4 boys and 2 girls. All through my life I was never close to my parents. Mum never hugged me but did tell me she loved me occasionally when I was going off the rails. I never lived up to dads expectations so we hardly interacted. We liked different things. I played football for many teams and only once did they come to watch a game. 

I married and have 3 children who all through their lives my parents have rarely seen or bothered with, which is quite the opposite of my sisters' children.

I decided to estrange myself from them as I didn't see any point or advantage in having them in my life.

Good Morning,

I've not been here in a while but wanted to post a brief update on my situation with my son.  I'd mentioned previously that I'd written him a letter requesting an opportunity to meet and talk about what is wrong and why he has rejected me but had never mailed it.  I finally mailed it a couple weeks ago and it was delivered last Saturday.  I used certified return receipt mail so I was able to track it.  I've not yet heard back from him but remain ever hopeful.  I'm not sure how long I'm willing to wait but considering 2 options as a 'next step.'  I thought maybe I might resend the letter (without any special delivery this time) - but also seriously considering just driving down there and showing up at his door. (He's only a little over 4 hours from me now).  While I realize this approach could turn out to be traumatic I also think it would be a lot more difficult for him to ignore me if I'm standing on his front porch.  If I go this route I would plan to take an overnight bag with me so I could stay in a hotel if necessary - if things turn out badly it would be nearly impossible to drive back in the condition I know I would be in.  In any case I would really appreciate anyone's prayers that he might find it in his heart to reply to my letter and agree to meet or at least talk with me, to see if we can't get this resolved.  Thank you so much in advance - and God bless us, each and every one!

Hello, I just found this site. I'm a 56 year old mother of 5 and married 31 years. We've had a great marriage, and our family life was near-perfect until I received a terrible diagnosis in 2005. At that time, only 2 kids were still at home; a HS Senior & Freshman. I was put on chemotherapy and given 2-10 years to live. Everyone was devastated, but I vowed to fight. After four years, and two unsuccessful chemo attempts that failed, I was left to die. I was near death for a long time and I don't remember anything from that time except going to sleep every night, knowing I might not wake up. It was awful.

A new form of treatment was approved last year. I'd been bed-bound for nearly four years. I started the treatment and finished in May 2015. Guess what? It worked and I am cured! Unbelievable.

During the chemo and while very ill, I acted inappropriately. My husband told me that I flew into rages several times and said some pretty awful things. I have no recollection of it, but I believe it to be true. My husband and 4 of the kids forgave me; they knew I wasn't myself and it was my illness and chemo taking over. They are thrilled for our family! However, I have one son who refuses to speak to me. He cut me off if Facebook and has told me I ruined his life. I apologized and just listened. He went on to say he's not sure he ever wants to see me again, and when I tell him I love him, he yells at me, "that can't be true or you wouldn't have said those things to me!" I have no idea what things I said, but I'm sure they were bad - I simply do not remember. I admire him so much, am very interested in being in his life, but this is causing so much angst. I'm following his wishes for no contact. I don't know what else to do. It's tearing me apart and I want to do the right thing. Thank you!

Merrie

I am so sorry for you pain! I have tried to stay as busy as possible ! I pray constantly that the Good Lord will work in their lives. Praying and staying busy and surrounding yourself with peop,e who care about you is all any of us can do! I am here if you just need to talk! Claudia

Sadness engulfs

I have not seen or talked to my oldest son or my granddaughter in 5 years. They were at the funeral of my oldest grandchild ( his oldest child) that day is the last time. I have tried emails , letters , calls( messages) he will not answer . From time to time he will send me a picture of my Grandaughter in a proud moment winning a trophy or award but other than that no contact. He has respond in a message on 3 or 4 occasions with a 2 -5 word text but nothing else. Some days as you know are harder than others ! Without God in my life and my Church family I would not have survived this grief and pain ! Just need to talk today but no one to talk to!

Just as an update- we haven't seen our only child, our son in over a month- however if we text him- he answers with a very brief response. We purchased a very old truck that he wants from us, but we are waiting on the title. Not sure if he will ditch us completely or not, once he has the key. We do not have an address for him, but do know the subdivision he is living in. He has broke ties with all friends and older adults from his former life. He is drinking, smoking, and most likely doping excessively, at 18. Pics on social media are horrible, nothing like his former self. Everyone says I have to move on!! So hard!! I know I kicked him out for just not caring at all about us or his future. All my reasons that night seemed acceptable, but now I am still sad that he doesn't need us- and has become someone we don't relate to at all! The loss of hope is the hardest. No hope for holiday get togethers, or grandchildren, or just casual visits . Let it go- is all I hear! I just retired so I have a lot of time on my hands to think if him!! How can someone change in the blink of an eye?

I know there aren't any easy answers, thanks for letting me voice my thoughts!

I just want to say, we live in different times now than when we were raised.  I think it's hard for many to accept that.  Just for example, take 1975 - calling your best friend at night to get the English homework:  (1)  you had to wait till somebody in your house was off the phone (2) you called your friend, it was busy, you tried 5X more over the next hour when nobody else at your house was on the phone (3) you finally get through to your friend's house, the dad answers (4) you chat for a minute "Hi Mr S, how are you?" and eventually you ask if your friend is there (4) the Dad says no, friend is out,  will all you back later (5) maybe you get a call back later, maybe not, cuz nobody called after 9 or 10 pm (6) now your friend calling back has to chat for a minute with one of your parents (6) and maybe you two connect and you get the assignment.  The whole process took hours and for many of us here, this was our life.  Life taught us patience, warmth, manners.  

We learned to be nice, cordial, to our friend's parents and we had to be well mannered or those parents lectured us and hung up.  Some of you remember that.

Today ... the text comes in, it bypasses everybody, and the answer is instantaneous.  Kid today have learned, they want what they want and they want it right now, this moment.  And most get it.  And for our kids, the last person they ask for anything is the parents.  They are happier with 100 texts from their 'friends.'

They don't learn manners.  They don't learn graciousness.  They learn that when they want something, they are entitled to get it and right at that moment.

Of course not all kids are like this but many are.  Those of us on this thread, we have kids like this.  We got 'lucky' wouldn't you say.  

Kids like ours, they genuinely believe the world is their oyster.  They truly believe that a parent is here to give them what they want and the parent better do it or the kid won't be your friend anymore.  Even parents that didn't do the 'friend, not parent' stuff, well just cuz we didn't doesn't mean our kids believed it was our role to be their BFF in life.

So what can you do.  Kids like this, with rare exception, they live on Pluto and we live on Earth.  It is a very difficult mindset to change.  And there are plenty of kids now grown up to be adults and they are like this too.  Those of us about 50, 55+ .. we come from a different world.  We had to learn patience, goals, etc.  NOT THE KIDS TODAY.  People wonder if the estrangements are deliberate, if the kids plan to hurt us.  I don't think so.  These are the way our kids just are.  They want what they want when they want it and they never outgrow that stance.  They live in a society that rewards them for instant information and moving heaven and earth to get what they want.  And few have any compunctions about 'using' us to get what they want.  Just listen to what they say to us.  I remember my son saying to me "Mom if you don't XXXX then you will never see me again."  Who talks like that?  And to be honest, at that time not seeing him again was tempting .. and I told him that.  And then he shut up when he realized I meant it.  But to even think that in the first place.  Amazing.  So parents, moms here, take a step back and take a deep breath.  Some of us here are fighting a losing battle.  A few of us will win but many of us will be on this endless mess with these kids for life.  You have to stay calm and not be afraid.  I get sadness when I read at all my sites about parents apologizing and the kids don't care.  Remember they don't see life like we do.

I found out that being open and honest is not what I should have done with my own daughter. It's as if she has this tape playing over and over in her mind. This tape won't allow for real communication with her, if anything I say does not conform to it. My daughter thinks she is 110% right on every little thought, word or deed. If I address any past events she is upset about in her own mind, even to apologize, I am wrong for doing that. She claims I am only being defensive and she wants none of that. 

I was once told that there is no way any two people ever remember the same exact thing. Even three or four! Trying it out, I was surprised to find that my three relatives all remembered one event completely different from the others.This time there were no negative feelings of any kind. We wanted to see if this were true. We were all quite shocked to learn that none of us saw this event the same way at all whatsoever, even down to the time of day!  Knowing that has helped me be flexible in positions I take. Having said that, I still had to set my own safe limits.

So now the future conversations have to be her way or no way. I considered just not saying or doing anything that made her upset again, but then I knew deep down that I can't sincerely expose myself to her verbal abuse with her rants and keep my own peace in and about my life. 

She can and will continue to claim she was on the receiving end of emotional abuse, but I can't change how she sees things, right or wrong. In fact, I had no idea how extreme her views were until I sent her a friendly, tiny, email as I have done once or twice a year. Usually, I get no reply so I move on. 

This time, I got one. It was nice at first. Then it went into this tirade of if you don't answer me a certain way I want nothing to do with you ever. I responded addressing her concerns, that's what you do! I thought! Well, it went from bad to worse, so I guess that did it for me. I don't do eggshells! I let her know I will always love her, but I can't be a door mat either. She hasn't moved on from being a teenager. I want her to be an adult. My trying to change the situation isn't allowing that to happen, so I have to bow out and give her some more oodles of time. I have to practice what I preach. I am letting her go (again). If she comes back, as an adult, later on in life, great! If not, sadly, it was never meant to be.  I guess what I am trying to say, is you have to draw a line. Just don't use a permanent marker.

RBan

Empowering Parents does not currently offer coaching

directly. However, most of our programs do offer a subscription support line

that is available as an add-on service. You can find a list of our available

programs in the https://store.empoweringparents.com/ store.  As 1-on-1 Coaches, we have worked with quite a few

parents of adult children who share similar sentiments, so, you’re not alone.

We have helped many parents in your situation develop a plan for managing their

responses and effectively dealing with the negative choices their adult child

is making. I encourage you to take a moment to review our program offerings

like the https://store.empoweringparents.com/product/the-calm-parent-am-pm/. In the meantime, you may find these articles helpful: Estranged from Your Adult Child? 5 Things You Can Do & Stop Letting Your Child’s Behavior Make You Crazy. We appreciate

you writing in. Take care.

"Mother love is the fuel, that enables a normal human being, to do

the impossible" -C Garretty. 

I wanted to post the above quote as I have 2 sons. It

has been over a year and a half since I have seen or heard from my first born.

He is 25 and has a son who is nearly 3. I ache for my son and for the grandson

I bonded with for 9 months. The pain of knowing he wouldn't even recognise me.

My 14 year old son who has lost a brother and nephew, the pain as a mother

knowing her 2 beloved sons are not (for now) living as brothers. I don't know

why this has happened, I just know it has happened and I must get on with it. I

still have my teenager who deserves a healthy and emotionally available mum.

And I do know the fault is in part, mine. The above quote jumped out at me and

I say the words in my head whenever the pain becomes seemingly to much to bear.

Love to you all. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone in this horrid heart

break. Please keep hope in your heart and be ready to hold your arms out to

your child if he or she returns. I will, I have wondered, but I love him and I

would give up almost everything just to be able to see my son, To hug him again

would be simply the best. L :)

"Mother love is the fuel, that enables a normal human being, to do the impossible" -C Garretty. 

I wanted to post the above quote as I have 2 sons. It has been over a year and a half since I have seen or heard from my first born. He is 25 and has a son who is nearly 3. I ache for my son and for the grandson I bonded with for 9 months. The pain of knowing he wouldn't even recognise me. My 14 year old son who has lost a brother and nephew, the pain as a mother knowing her 2 beloved sons are not (for now) living as brothers. I don't know why this has happened, I just know it has happened and I must get on with it. I still have my teenager who deserves a healthy and emotionally available mum. And I do know the fault is in part, mine. The above quote jumped out at me and I say the words in my head whenever the pain becomes seemingly to much to bear. Love to you all. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone in this horrid heart break. Please keep hope in your heart and be ready to hold your arms out to your child if he or she returns. I will, I have wondered, but I love him and I would give up almost everything just to be able to see my son, To hug him again would be simply the best. L :)

I'm lost as to what to do next ....

Our son was adopted at 7. Through out his pre- teen years he was very stubborn, detached and aloof. We allowed outings with other children and he seemed to love to leave and be with other kids and their parents. He never really bonded with us. As a teen, he became more aloof, and didn't bother to invite us to any school or church parent -child activities. At 15 he started keeping things from us, omitting info, avoiding us if possible. At 18 he started dating his first girl friend and he became even more aloof, distant and sneaky. We've asked him several times to move out due to the lies, emotion vacuum, avoidance, in the past. Just before HS graduation he told us he was already planning to move out in August . We beat him to the punch and kicked him out in May, due to lies and manipulation. The next day after the anger settled, he came to the house for more items. I apologized. He told me I didn't need to.

But to shorten the story we've seen him about two hours over the last 6 weeks all strained and full of tension. He won't look us in the eye. I texted him last week, and within a few hours he sends pictures of a car he wants us to help him buy. In the same text he says he hasn't forgiven me for kicking him out. We have not taken a call or text for a week. He is living with older friends now and has embraced an all new lifestyle - vapping, drinking, possibly drugging, etc. He is telling neighbors that he 'moved out' and is the happiest he has ever been. He is hurt, but we are too... Have been for years.... What do we do next?

After months of knowing I needed double lung and double pulmonary artery transplants, today I find out at age of 41 suffering from a trampoline accident, I also need a new heart.

Beginning, I am a child abuse survivor, I thought I had been a survivor since being a teenager, but recently I was forced to open my eyes and realize that All these years, even after two college kids and a set of 14 year old triplets and a diviorce 2 years ago, when the college boys cur off all ties to me due to my addictions and affairs that I realize now I was using as crutches to forget and blame. The triplets live with their father 3 hours away while I am traveling seeking advanced treatment for the transplants. I have apologized almost daily, I have admitted and owned each of my mistakes, sought forgiveness from God and them. However, some strong force is not letting them run back to my open arms. Im in counseling and will stay there. Today after finding out about my heart, my life rushed before my eyes, I seen them from the day of burping them to the day they waljed out of my life. Today as I am faced with medical decisons, Im trying to resort to begging because there's no reason to go on and use precious organs if the new heart they put inside of me will just end up broken again! From a parent with every thing to lose I ask for ur advice! Thank you in advance!

@Pebbles5163

I can understand your heartache. I can only imagine how

distressing it must be for someone you have loved and nurtured to turn her back

on you as an adult. It sounds like it has certainly taken quite a toll on you,

mentally and emotionally. It is concerning that you have times when you’re not

sure whether or not you wish to carry on with your life. We all have times when

life becomes difficult, unbearable even. When a situation becomes so unbearable

that a person is unsure of her ability to go on, it may be an indication that

outside help could be of benefit. Many people in similar circumstances find

having someone they can talk to quite valuable, especially someone who is also

able to help develop ways of working through the hurt and turmoil. I encourage

you to look into community resources, such as support groups, counseling

services, and other types of assistance. The 221 Helpline would be able to give

you information on local supports. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by

calling 1-800-273-6222 or by visiting http://www.211.org/.

I hope you will consider reaching out to others in your community for any needed

support through such a trying time. Be sure to check back and let us know how

things are going. Take care.

To Jilteddad,

I am so sorry you are going thru the same thing I am. I am sure this was conspired as well. I keep re-reading what you wrote and it at least makes me smile. Because I know at some point it will backfire.....Then the question remains..She took the pleasure of her wedding, first grandbaby on the way, I was thrown aside like an old shoe she did not want or need. How will I react when the time does come. All the hurt and sadness she has put me through, for absolutely no reason. Will I accept her?

Thank you again..

JShriver,

Thank you so much for those words of wisdom. My heart is so broken by this, but I know I must go on.  Every time I go to the store, I wind up looking at Girl baby clothes because I just found out she is having a girl. My first grandchild. My health has taken a great effect on this, but I am trying.  I just can not even believe she is my daughter anymore. Completely opposite of what I raised. She is totally heartless to only me. I will try to cope with the best I can, but I have never felt such hurt in my whole life....Thank you

Hi forgottenmother -

I am sure there are those who have, I did not mean to sound as if none do.  My heart was breaking reading a lot of the posts because of how poorly parents were talking about their children and it hit a bit of a nerve with me.  I know my mom did say things about me, her best friend who I grew up with would not even speak to me at her funeral. 

Kids are easily persuaded by their parents.  I know that from my parents divorce as well.  My dad tried to brainwash me.  He got to my sister but I was able to pull her back in.  We ended up losing all contact with him and I know my mom said things about him to make sure we definitely hated him as well, though most he did do for himself. 

I can't imagine how hard it must be for you going through all of that.  Kids need to feel they can trust someone and they don't understand they are being used to get back at you - it's hard for them to see it that way.  All I could say is show them how much you love them any chance you do get and hope that eventually they'll be able to come around and see the truth.

It is painful to read through these.  It is painful in a different way for me then most.  I am the daughter in the relationship.  My mother and I are estranged.  I have been searching for blogs and forums for the child in these situations and they are few and far between.  Maybe I am the rare breed that I feel I am the one that was hurt in the relationship so I don't understand a lot of these things now. 

My sudden need for these forums stems from the fact that my mother has recently passed.  All I wanted was reconciliation with her.  I tried many times.  I was always told I owed her this or that.  My sister is who told me the news.  My sister and I are estranged as well.  She still won't talk to me.  I had hoped this tragedy would bring us closer together, at least.  No such luck. 

I have never been able to figure out how a mother could not care about her child any longer, but I am seeing that it is possible through these forums.  I've seen many parents say they have given up because of how their adult children are acting.  I wonder now how my mom saw me.  I was coming to these forums to know their were people like me out there, but instead I'm feeling like well, I'm in quite a bit of disbelief.

I have my own kids now.  They're not quite to the point where they could estrange themselves from me, but I could not imagine them doing anything that would keep me from them, that would keep from trying to have a relationship from them.  It is beyond my imagination.

After dealing with my mother's loss and our estrangement and my sister's inability to talk to me still and reading all these posts from parents, I wrote my story.  I wrote a book that I think needs to be shared with the world, with people who are estranged from their families.  For parents to maybe see it from the child's point of view, for children to know that they're not alone.  It is just an e-book on Amazon right now, but I would really like to share my whole story. 

For all the parents out there, maybe it is time to talk to your kids and tell them your point of view and hear their point of view so you can try to come to an understanding and reconcile before there is no opportunity left to do so.  Living knowing something was left out there, unsaid, is not easy.

Can anyone explain why someone would not only become estranged from their parents but also their sibling as well.  I have two daughters who refuse to speak to me or their sister or brother.

I can perhaps understand that people blame their parents for real and /or imagined slights but I do not understand why they would cut off their little sister also.

Anyone have any reasoning behind this?

brokenhearted grandma 

I can tell how much you are

hurting right now as a result of your daughter’s actions, and I appreciate your

reaching out to us for support.  It’s normal to feel all of the emotions

you are describing, as it sounds like much has changed in a matter of

weeks.  This is something which many others have experienced, as you can

see from some of the other comments here. The tough part is that since your

daughter is an adult, she is entitled to make her own decisions (as long as they are legal and non-abusive) regarding her

employment, her relationships and her style of parenting, even those choices

which you might not agree with or find to be in her or your granddaughter’s

best interest.  Since you cannot “make” your daughter respond in any way

you choose, it’s usually more effective at this point to focus on taking care

of yourself.  Self-care is an extremely important, albeit often ignored,

part of developing an effective response to your child’s actions.  For

example, you might call a supportive friend or family member, journal or take a

walk to help you work through some of these strong emotions you are currently

experiencing.  If your daughter is willing, it could be useful to meet

with a neutral third-party, such as a family counselor or a mediator, once things

calm down in order to talk through a workable solution moving forward. 

Even if your daughter is unwilling to go, it can still be helpful to be able to

talk with someone in person about the situation you are in.  For

assistance locating available resources in your community, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at

1-800-273-6222.  I realize that this is a situation which no grandparent

imagines being in, and I want to thank you for writing in.  I wish you all

the best as you continue to move forward.  Take care.

It's true what so many people are saying in these posts... From the depression, the nightmares. The PTSD as a result. She a child leaves the home and basically runs away to the other house and then completely disconnect it's brutal. In my case, my daughter, the. 15More 1/2 and a sophomore in huh school, threw fits. She as constantly under pressure from either her father or her step mother to try to resolve my ex's and my custody issue after he tried to force the arrangement back to an absurd back and forth every few day situation that we did when they we're young. She felt it was her place to involve herself and try to negotiate custody between us. Her father fed her our court papers and lawyer emails and exchanges to fuel her. She would say incredibly hurtful things. She would scream and yell and I had it. My son and I we're being bullied by her and her moods and it was horrible. She is much like her father now and refuses to see me or talk to me. It's been 3 years. Missed holidays. Missed birthdays. Homecoming. Family events. So many milestones and sundress of unanswered texts. Handwritten cards. Flowers,on her birthday. Her favorite Homemade cookies shuttled through her brother at Christmas. I get nothing. Not one response. Ever. Her father is completely in the dark about how much he is responsible for this as well. He is a bad father. He is a bad person and it's abusive that he not get her help. She just turned 18 in January. I get an email from my ex and his wife telling me she up has been accepted to 3 school and I need to check out the tuition. Are you effn kidding me?! I hear nothing from either of them about anything having to do with her. NOTHING and when asked they say just concern yourself with our son. Three years and this is the first news I get. I haven't slept well in days. My son -16 now- refuses to talk about anything. He has for a long time so I stopped trying. I made sure he knows how much I love him and I encouraged him to love his sister and that he does not ever need to chose sides. Be a good brother. Be a good son. Be there for her but know you are a different person and you will never and should never have to choose. I said to stay out of it as best he can because she's making poor decisions. He doesn't have to let anyone bully him into doing what he feels differently in his heart. I honestly think he gets it as he has continued to go back and forth between the houses.
There are only a few things that can pull me out of this swirling depression which hits me every morning and that is being able to look back and see I haven't wavered in letting her know the door is open when she's ready. Letting her clueless father know she is an at risk teen who needs help learning how to communicate and not resort to tantrums or running away. Knowing that what she did WAS runaway. That she will have to live with the consequences of her actions. She will have to live with the guiltily cutting off her cousin who felt she was like a sister. Cutting off her grandparents and aunts and uncles. Cutting off her summers at the shore and family vacations and baking with mom and so many many things that she can only have from me. She is too young to understand that life is long and time passes and people just need to move on. After 2 years of her empty bedroom I gutted it and made it a room for my son and his friends. We both had to move on. I did it myself and felt incredible pain realizing she isn't coming back but I had to go through that phase of grieving. You need to both keep trying and you also need to suck it up and move on. Keep in mind, so much damage has been done that if she showed up on my doorstep my first instinct would be to drop to my knees and hug her and be so thankful. But she would not be welcome at this point back in my house to live. She is a different person and we would need to go to therapy. I don't trust her. After hundreds of unanswered but read texts to her, she says nothing. She does nothing. She lives 4 miles away from me and chooses every single day to do nothing. That's what kills me. Worst, is her father who shared the same tears with me when she was born doesn't have the sense of being a father to do anything or guide her or even get a sense of the magnitude of my pain because his current wife is happy to have my daughter to herself after she lost a daughter the same age to cancer years ago. It's brutal. So yes, PTSD flared up when I get a random email asking me for tuition. Depression that instill have to live in this area and not get a fresh start someplace else where I don't have to scan the parking lot for their cars. Thankful I have my son who somehow is getting that I actually do have love for her, that I do love him, and that I am a good mom. He is the only reason I am still here.
Kids.... They twist your best intentions into something so opposite. The ex spouse interprets your every move to see, touch, hold your child again as manipulative on your part. It's abusive.
I am reading a book about "Parental Alienation Syndrome". I have had to photocopy some pages as I begin to assemble my spring meeting notebook of my statement of good as I am going to call it with an attorney to stop my ex from contacting me. That I not be forced to pay for her college education as she has disconnected for over 3 years while I have paid for her child support to her two income father and step mother, and so that I have something to give to my son when he goes to school.
The book was under $15 and I got it from Amazon. It's called "abandoned parents, the devils dilemma: causes and consequences of adult children abandoning their parents."
Chin up people. Be the better person. Be the better parent. Life is long and hopefully, one day, when your kids come full circle, they will swallow that lump in their adult throat and say to you, I am so sorry for the pain I caused. Hopefully, you both will be able to look back, if not them, then you, and see your text and paper trail of love, open heart and that's all that they will have to throw in your face. Who knows.... the alternative is an emotional abyss. Set your boundaries

I can relate to missmygirl.  the pain is so unbearable.  There is no comparison to any pain when you lose a child to any degree.  She was my everything for 15 years.

she wants to see me on the weekends and live there.  I just can't do that.  the worst part is I have raised her by myself no family especially not him. He moved to CA 10 years now.  She called me yesterday and wants to come home. I still amMore the primary and could go and rescue her but I struggle with this.  She texted me this morning telling me her Dad is making her feel sorry for him. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been depressed for so long now and diagnosed with PTSD.

I have been looking for a support group for 3 months now.  My daughter of 15 years went to live with her Father late Oct. 14.  I was being undermined by him and his family for a long time and didn't see it coming. Now she called me yesterday after monthsMore of my crying, sleepless night because all I dream about it her

I thought I was alone, it looks like I'm not. I left my husband 20 years ago, he was an abusive, controlling bully. I had no life except for my 2 boys. At first we stayed close, just a few miles from their dad, the saw himMore every other weekend. I never told them about the abuse (emotional not physical) I tried to keep their relationship with him good. I met someone else, my nowhusband, we moved 100 miles away after the threats became too much. I thought my boys had a good life, they still saw their dad and we made sure they neve wanted for anything. When my youngest was 16 he went back to stay with his dad, but we still kept in touch and visited him. Now he's 25 and a father to my 9 month old grandson, who I love with all my heart, out of the blue, 2 weeks before Christmas he decided to cut me out of his life. The reason? Punishment for taking him away from his dad 20 years ago. He won't listen to reason and won't allow me to explain why we had to leave. I'm heartbroken, life isn't worth living. Why has he done this? How do I go on?

Brokeheartedmom   I am going through this right now. My girl will be fifteen next month. I know your pain. It's horrible. I feel like I don't matter to her at all. I love her and miss her so much. She's my girl. I would give anything just to get a text messageMore from her right now.

I am grateful to have found this site. My heart has never felt so shattered. At times it feels unbearable. It's been almost one year since my teenage daughter left to live with her father.
The friction began when I said 'no' to Facebook and began limiting internet access when she was thirteen (sheMore will be fifteen next month). Her dad and step-mom have always been way less strict when it came to technology and social media which created conflict among all of us.
My daughter left abruptly almost a year ago stating that I abused her emotionally and physically throughout her life. I have never been abusive - if we argued I always came to her within minutes to make things right and I've never had even the slightest inclination to lay a hand on her. I hugged and kissed her a thousand times each night before bed. Most likely I was annoying that way.

It's been an exhausting roller coaster ride (too much to explain in this message).I have seen her only four times since she left.

As of right now, she will not return my phone calls or reply to my texts. It's killing me. There is a continual lump in my throat. I feel like I don't matter to her al all. Not even a little.

Throughout my life, I have never heard of so many parents being estranged by their children.  It has me wondering if our social media life style has something to do with this.  It is as if our kids do not have the emotional connection with those who are close toMore them. Do you suppose that the 'sims' lifestyle has affected them in some way?  They text, email and facebook.  I imagine that it would be more difficult to walk away if they were not involved with social media!

I have always been a devoted Mom, in an attempt to better my own experience with my own mom.  Being raised in a narcissistic environment, from my Mom to my sisters, I vowed to always be there for my children, when they needed me.

My children are grown adults-and generally speaking,More have had a very healthy, stable home life. 

I am a professional Mom, however, when my kids were young, I was a stay at home Mom.  (Scout leader, volunteer at school, active with their sports, dance etc)

When my kids reached adulthood, I believed that they were on a good path, and I knew after years of having an alcoholic husband,  it was time to get a divorce from their father.

After 22 years of marriage, my ex husband and I mutually agreed to
divorce.  The moment we agreed we both decided to have a family meeting,
and let our kids know. My son was 19 and my daughter was 17 at that time.  (Son now 25 and daughter now 23)  My ex opened
the dialogue with an outlandish accusation-which was not true. 
Afterwards, my son approached me and mentioned to me that he KNEW his
father was telling lies, and that he was sorry-he also knew that I was
devoted as a Mom and stood by me. 

During the rough economy, we proceeded with the divorce, still living
under the same roof, until it was final.  My goal was to try and remain
civilized even though I knew he was trying to bash me.

I had plans of moving to a new place, and my daughter wanted to live with me.  While looking for a home, she was non committal to 'look' at any of them, with the exception of the last day.  She loved the house I am now living in.  She was excited to pick out her room and made plans to move here with me.  I moved in and she told me that she wanted to 'stay' at our old home, until it sold.  Later, she mentioned that I lived too far, and that she wanted to live closer to her college.  She met me for lunch, we went shopping and had an amazing time.  I bought her things for her new place, including groceries, towels etc. She hugged me when she left, and that was the last I have seen of her.
I got remarried and she did not attend the wedding.  My son, on the other hand, had moved north, an hour away.  During that time, he complained about not making enough money etc.  I offered to hire him on with the company I work at.  He agreed. 
He walked me down the aisle, took care of my calls when my husband and I went on our honeymoon and really 'enjoyed' the company of my new husband.  My son then moved in with us, which allowed him to save for college. One day, I was talking to a customer, and he informed me that 'one of my drivers was joining the army.  He went on to tell me it was the younger driver (i have several) and my heart sank.  He also said that the driver had not told his mom yet-I knew that it was my son.  Later that evening, I asked my son, and he said he was thinking about it.  Eventually, my son did join the Army and is still enlisted.  

Through out this time, I was attempting to meet with my daughter, and talk.  Her response became increasingly hateful to me.  Texting me that I was a 'dark' woman and needed help and that everyone was afraid to mention it to me, because they were too afraid that I would get mad.  This was out of the blue, and I could not understand where this was coming from, accept that her dad was possibly tainting her.  (I had raised my two stepchildren as my own, and hoped to remain close to them too.)  On the very same day, both my daughter and step daughter removed me as 'Mom' on facebook and then blocked me a few days later.  I thought I was in High School again!! 

When my son graduated from boot camp, he asked me not to attend the graduation ceremony, he wanted me to attend the 'Airborne' graduation-which would be much more exciting.  I told him that we would possibly be able to attend both, but really looked forward to visiting with him.  As it turned out, his dad, my stepson and another relative all drove there and happened to book the same hotel as my husband and I.  My son clearly chose to spend the majority of time with his dad.  We were treated very poorly, trying to navigate in a strange town-with an agreement that we would all have lunch at a place and they would follow us.  By the time we put the restaurant in the navigation, they had left in his dads car.  No communication at all.  My husband told me he was tired of playing these games and was not going to participate anymore.  We went back to our 'new' hotel, which we had moved to.  My son called later on and we met for awhile.  He was leaving out the next morning and we spent little time with him.  When he came home for leave, (Christmas) he spent very little time with us.  For the next year, he called from time to time, and began a new relationship with a special lady.  (the one he said-we were so happy for them!)  The following year, he wanted to visit for Thanksgiving.  He wanted to stay here with us, and his fiance.  I let him use my car, and he was very appreciative.  He told me that he was not getting Christmas off-and his fiance had to work too.  I felt bad for both especially since my son was being deployed in January (right now)  One week after our visit, my son starting 'picking fights'  Crazy stuff.  I let so much go.  The final straw was that he accused my husband of taking a knife of his.  (my son had given it to him before he joined the military.)  My son never asked him direct, he kept asking me.  I told him he needed to talk to my husband about it.  He chose not to.  So after two days, my husband said "when you leave, you need to take all of your stuff with you-we have kept stuff here and we don't want to be accused of taking your things"   At that point, he proceeded to pack up, throwing away everything I had ever given him, and left.   He did not say good bye.  He gave me my car keys and left.  

As for my daughter, every time I attempt to write to her, she responds with anger, and hate.  Tells me I ruin her day when I write to her!  

At first, I tried to rationalize what happened.  I happen to think their father was able to find a crack and started his outrageous lies and I think they bought into it.  I have also noticed my son started to embellish things towards the end.  He is a Medic and we heard three different versions of how they injured a lamb during class, to train the Medics.  This happened on several occasions.

I was a single mom of two boys and a girl. My oldest son and I were very close his entire life.  He met a girl in 5th grade and they went all through school and college together.  She was part of our family since the fifth grade.  They gotMore engaged four years ago and then married last year.  Since the engagement my son started to not want much to do with me.  They would come home from med school and only stay at her house and not see me.  After a while I would ask why they never stayed with me.  All he said was that his girlfriend wanted to stay with her family.  Today I see him 12 hours a year and talk to him even less.  I was in a very serious accident and in intensive care for two weeks.  He never called or came to see me and he was only an hour away.  The months following the accident he never once came to see me or help me.  I live alone and can hardly do anything as I lost my right arm.  I finally confronted him last night with a text and asked him again why he makes no effort to see me.  His response was that "He has to protect himself from me" I cause him so much stress and anger.  I was divorced when he was 9 and it hit him hard.  The divorce was my fault but we still remained so close through the years.  I am devestated and can't even imagine going on.  Nothing in life has prepared me this and I absolutely have no support system.  His siblings don't want to get involved so I can't rely on them.  I am sick and heartbroken. He says to not call him and I will never know what happened.  I really need advise on how to even get up and go to work

ItCanOnlyGetBetter
I can hear how painful your daughter’s lack of communication is
for you. You are right that it is normal for interactions between parent and
child to lessen when a child becomes an adult. After all, they are now adults
with their own lives to live. It sounds like your daughter mayMore be feeling
caught between you and your husband. While it’s understandable you would want
your daughter to comprehend why you made the decision you did, the truth of the
matter is, the issues you and your husband have are really between you two.
Involving your children in your disputes is really not going to be of benefit
for anyone involved. As an adult, your daughter is able to choose with whom she
wants to interact or spend time. It can be beneficial to develop ways of taking
care of yourself when you start to feel distress over her choices. Your
counselor can help you develop a plan for this. You might also consider looking
into a support group for estranged parents in your community, or perhaps on
line. Many of the other parents who have commented on this article have found
these groups to be quite helpful. As for your other daughter wanting to move in
with you, you don’t have to allow it if you believe it is going to cause you
distress. If you do decide this is something you wish to do, you may find it
helpful to develop a living agreement with her before she moves in. We have
several articles that address living agreements and adult children living at
home. A couple you may find helpful are Parenting Your Adult Child: How to Set up a Mutual Living Agreement & Ground Rules for Living with an Adult Child (plus Free Living Agreement). We appreciate you writing in and sharing your story. Good luck
to you as you move through this very challenging transition. Take care.

MichelleLDickerson hello Michelle..I am in the same position but it is my daughter.We too had a wonderful relationship up until she got married..Three years after that things were starting to change. I have reached out many many times and after 16 months of silence I have had a response fromMore her. I have suggested that we meet up but her response was very cold towards me, but there is hope within it.All this goes back 7 years now, when my one and only comment to him was "you are a bully"..and it was the truth.  I have certainly been punished and blamed ever since with the silent treatment and stopped from seeing my beautiful granddaughters all this time. there is hope now I feel, and i always send her loving thoughts as I believe that love will prevail. I have grovelled, wept, apologised time and time again, but she is demanding that i prove to her that i have changed..I was accused of being mentally unstable etc etc..so nasty and untrue..I am desperate to see my granddaughters, but I accept that i cannot change how they think of me. What hurts, like you, is that his family are now well and truly enjoying everything with them that i have been excluded from.  I have to trust that it will work out and come to terms with accepting that but it is so difficult. I send you my love and pray that yours too will be resolved.  If it feels right then do ask to meet up, after all what have you got to lose..If you dont, you will never know. take care.

Nixmom 
Thank you for writing in, and reaching out to us for support
during this troubling time.  I can hear how much pain you are experiencing
right now as a result of your son’s actions and lack of communication.  It
sounds like you have sacrificed a lot for your son and have prioritized hisMore happiness
throughout his life, and he has responded by leaving your home and ignoring
you.  It is completely understandable that you would feel hurt by
this. I strongly encourage you to reach out for support during this
time; death is not the answer.  There is help available to you, and you do
not have to go through this alone.  The http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ is one such resource.  You can call them at 1-800-273-8255,
24/7, and be connected to trained crisis counselors.  There is also a chat
option, along with other resources, on their website if that feels more
comfortable to you.  They can help you to develop a plan to stay safe and
to take care of yourself, even though you are in a lot of pain right now. 
I recognize how difficult and painful this situation is for you right now, and
I hope that you will write back and keep us updated on how things are going for
you as you continue to move forward.  I wish you all the best; take care.

I'm so glad I found this site!!! I have read some of the stories and it all sounds so familiar! Both of my boys have excluded me from their life! It's like a death! I didn't realize that step-parents and the other parent could be so evil and manipulative! MyMore kids that at one time were momma boys have completely disowned me and look at the step mom as their mother! If I say anything, I'm the bad person and low life that is unworthy to be a part of their life! Not to mention my oldest son wife! The step mom and of course the daughter in law is best friends. I never gotten to be a grandmother to my grandson nor doesn't even know me and I live 15 mins from him. I've cried so many tears and the pain is so deep! I can't win this battle and I fear my kids will never know the truth and how much I love them.

Momma A
Emotions can easily cloud anyone’s judgment, especially when the
situation concerns your child or another loved one. From what you have written,
it sounds like you are concerned that stepping in would result in things going
back to you taking on a rescuing role. One thing I think is important toMore keep
in mind is his life is the way it is because of the choices he has made, not
because of anything you did or didn’t do. Also, when a parent steps in and saves an adult child from natural
consequences, it reinforces those roles for both parties, the parent and the
adult child. The next time he finds himself in a difficult situation, he still
won't have the skills to figure the problem out for himself and you will be
even more likely to step in and solve the problem for him. This is true whether
or not he realizes it is you who is helping him because someone will
still be rescuing him. It can be hard to see your child suffer, regardless of
how old he is and regardless of whether you are the bio parent or the
stepparent. Finding a way to take care of yourself when you start to feel
anxious or distressed is probably going to be a more beneficial step to take. I
can hear how well you have done over the past year or so at managing your
emotions and coming to terms with the situation as it now stands. I would
continue to implement whatever self care techniques you have been utilizing to
help you deal with this difficult issue. If you feel you may need extra support
at this time, you may find local resources who can be of assistance, such as a
parent support group or counselor. The 211 Helpline, a nationwide health and
human services referral service, can give you information on supports in your
community. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222
or by logging onto 211.org. I know this is a very difficult time for you and
your family. Good luck to you all moving forward. I hope you will continue to
check in and let us know how things are going. Take care.

Joshua's Mom:

What you are describing here is a very common struggle in many families. When an adult child chooses a partner in marriage the task of integrating both families can be excruciating. It can be difficult to try and figure out what to do with the strong emotions that arise for all members involved. First, I want to give you a lot of credit for recognizing that you may have overstepped a line and apologized for that--this is not an easy thing to do! Secondly, even though the relationship is far from what you want it to be, it sounds like your son is still willing to have some communication which means there is room to keep in touch. The great divide that you sense is there and I'm sure that feels overwhelming and scary; it will take time to build a bridge over the divide and to work through this. I agree with you that being in a situation like this is heartbreaking and it carries a lot of sadness and confusion. Do your best right now to take care of yourself and get some support from friends, family, or a counselor to deal with all the emotions that this will bring up for you. I hope that your son will afford you an opportunity to continue the conversation in the near future; I can hear how much you want to make the situation right and how important it is to you to be closer to your son.