Ask the Parental Support Specialists: Couple Disagrees over How to Use Natural Consequences for Child’s Behavior
Posted By: Carole Banks, LCSW
Category: Ask Parental Support Specialists, Consequences
Comments: 8
Dear Carole,
My husband and I are trying to use natural consequences with our thirteen-year-old son as much as possible, but we had a disagreement lately about how to do it. When our son threw a fit because he wanted to meet up with his neighborhood friends (we said “no” because his homework wasn’t done) we told him that he needed to settle down or have some privileges taken away. His bad behavior escalated, so my husband took away his guitar for a week. I feel like it’s never a good idea to take away a creative outlet, and also something that my son loves so much. My husband thought it was a good consequence because it’s the thing that means the most to our son. What do you think?
–Confused about Consequences in CT
Dear Confused about Consequences,
It’s never a good idea to target the one activity that your child loves as a consequence. This feels like punishment to the child. Usually, its purpose is to make the child feel badly so they will change their behavior. However, the feeling that results from punishment will usually be resentment–not regret. Punishment is not effective in teaching your child to stay focused on the behavior you want changed. James Lehman recommends that you use a consequence that is as closely related to the behavior as you can get. This is not always easy or possible, but it is the best idea because it keeps the focus on the problem behavior you want changed. In this case, the problem behavior was your son’s difficulty in managing his emotions. That’s a skill he needs to improve. You did a good job in recognizing this and instructing him to “settle down.” Sometimes it can help to remind your child what works to calm down, such as a physical activity or listening to music. In this case, your son chose to not calm down, and therefore should experience a reasonable related consequence. What might be most appropriate is to ground him to his room for a few hours until he does calm down and can rejoin the family and interact appropriately.
–Carole
Every month, you’ll have a chance to ask Carole Banks, LCSW and Parental Support Line Manager, your most pressing parenting questions. Please submit them to editor@empoweringparents.com.
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January 25th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Carole–thanks for this great advice. I have been confused about this myself–sometimes it’s hard to know what a good “natural consequence” is…and I want to make sure that in the end, I am teaching my daughters to be good people who take accountability for their actions. A pretty tall order, maybe, but who ever said being a parent was easy?
January 25th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Carole–I’m a bit concerned now because I realize I’ve been taking my son’s favorite thing–he loves photography, and is quite good at it, so I’ve taken away his camera on occasion–from him as a “consequence” when he doesn’t listen. How do I retrace my steps??? Should I tell him I was wrong? Help!
January 25th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
BadDad » I don’t think that its “wrong” when you decide something is not working and you change directions. I would simply tell him, “I’ve decided that we are going to do this differently.” However, if we loose our tempers as parents and take away the thing our child loves for long periods of time, in those instances, it can be a great opportunity to role model to your child how to turn things around. You could say, “I was very upset when I asked you to give me your camera for a month. I’m thinking that instead of that, let’s have a consequence that is more related to the behavior I’d like you to work on.”
January 31st, 2008 at 12:02 am
I would like some advice… I have a 5 year old who has been in “playtheraphy’ for 1 year. We took him to a pshyciatric doctor and he stated that our son matches all but 2 of the criteria/symptoms of bipolarism but that we could not get a concrete diagnosis till he is atleast 6. It is helping but his “fits” are esculating. We can control/calm him down most times. He has a 2 1/2 old brother who is starting to copy his (big brothers) reactions and actions. Also big brother has now made little brother the target when he is angry; it use to be me. He first started when he was about 3 months old with head butting. Worst event was when he was 4 he tried to push me down the stairs. How do I 1st protect the little one from the big one and 2nd teach the littleone that he should not copy his brother?
January 31st, 2008 at 9:40 pm
There’s a great technique called ‘Positive Time Out,’ (Nelsen, etal) that is an incredibly effective way to teach children (and adults) how to take a cooling off period before trying to resolve a conflict. When we’re super angry, scared or otherwise upset, the part of our brain the thinks logically, and filters words and behaviors, literally shuts-down, and all that we’re working on is raw emotions. So, it’s important to cool off - modeling that for the children in our lives, and teaching them this important life skill.
Then, after the cool down period, we talk - well, more importantly, listen by asking ‘curiosity questions,’ like:
What happened?
What did you think was going to happen?
What’s your plan?
How can we solve this?
What were you trying to accomplish?
What can be done differently?
The trick is to ask these questions with your agenda put away - we’re really trying to teach self-reflection skills here as well.
Just some thoughts to add to the discussion.
Alisa
February 27th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
my 14 year old granddaughter has been diagnosed with adhd and also depression. she is on adderall and zoloft. every day is a fight over schoolwork,she is disrepectful and lies about her schoolwork being finished. we are at the end of our rope as to what to do. tv and computer are taken away and now as a last resort her horseback riding lessions because in detention she was vulgur and showing off in class and using inapproriate language. any suggestions.
March 12th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I need help with a power struggle with a 13 year old boy and his parents (us)… son doesn’t want (refuses) to get his longish hair cut, we (parents) want it cut… I have cancelled a recent hair cut
appointment so we can talk it over together, but that has resulted
in nothing but my son “winning”.
What to do?? Has anyone experienced this before??
Should I let it go and concentrate on bigger issues??/
Hair is a mess!!
April 2nd, 2008 at 4:51 pm
M Santalla » Please see the answer to your question here:
http://empoweringparents.com/blog/author/megan/
Hope this helps!