A Day in the Life of a Child with O.D.D.
Posted By: James Lehman, MSW
Category: Child Behavior, Defiant Children, O.D.D., Power Struggles, Problem-solving Skills, Teens, Younger Children
Comments: 11
A day with a child who has Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a series of battles. It starts when they wake up, continues at breakfast, intensifies when they have to get dressed, and doesn’t end until they fight with you over bedtime.
Kids with ODD lose their temper quickly and often. They’re easily annoyed and frustrated by other people, resentful and hostile with adults, bossy and pushy with other kids. They blame everyone else for their difficulties and make excuses for their inability to cope. They gravitate toward negative peers and tend to be sulking, angry adolescents. As a parent, you can’t satisfy a child with ODD, since their thinking is irrational. They clamor for your attention and then tell you to leave them alone. The sad truth is, kids with ODD aren’t very likeable. Parents often feel guilty about the fact that they love their kids, but don’t like being around them. The focus of treatment should be on developing compliance and coping skills, not primarily on self-esteem or personality. ODD is not a self-esteem issue; it’s a problem solving issue.
To read more of James Lehman’s article on ODD, check out “The War at Home” on Empowering Parents.
11 Responses
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April 22nd, 2008 at 9:43 am
My son must have ODD. Every day is a battle. I’m at my wits end and he’s only 4!!! Thanks for this article.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:07 am
Im a single parent of 2 children . My youngest has many disablities which some are ODD ,PDD-NOS , ADHD. I heard about your tapes just wish they were abit cheaper for parents like me could afford them. Reading about you and your childhood and what your doing now gives atleast me some faith that someday my son will have that chance also. So thank you very much.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:30 am
SADLY I AM A GRANDMOTHER WHO IS RAISING 2 KIDS WITH ODD/ADHD/RAD AND OTHER ISSUES.ONLY ONE IS ON MEDS AND DESPITE THAT AND ENDLESS COUNSELING,LOTS OF STRUCTURE AND LOTS OF PRAISE AND ENCOURAGEMENT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANYWHERE.THE OLDEST CHILD IS A BOY AGE 10 AND HE SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST ONE TO GET ANY PROGRESS WITH.VERY SOON HE WILL HAVE A BIG BROTHER FROM THE BIG BROTHER/BIG SISTER ORGANIZATION.WE HAVE WAITED 6 LONG YEARS FOR ONE AND HE IS VERY HAPPY ABOUT THAT.NEXT YEAR HIS SISTER AGED 5 WILL FINALLY QUALIFY AGE WISE FOR A SISTER.ALL IN ALL I AM STRUGGLING AS NOT ONLY THEIR GRANDMOTHER/LEGAL GUARDIAN BUT ALSO AS A DISABLED WOMAN TO RAISE HAPPY,HEALTHY ,STRONG,LOVING,RESPONSIBLE KIDS TO BE THE AFOREMENTIONED ADULTS THAT I KNOW IS IN THEM.I JUST WANT TO REACH THEM BEFORE THEY BECOME UNREACHABLE TO EVERYONE.I FIRMLY BELIEVE IN THE SAYING THAT IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD AND IM REACHING OUT TO MINE TO HELP ME HELP THEM.THANKS FOR YOUR ARTICLE ON ODD KIDS.
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:07 am
I would like to have available discussions regarding pattern onset. I have a 9 month old daughter, a 3&1/2 year old son and 2 sons of 40 years and 32 years. My purpose in buying the Total Transformation program was to recognize and head off behavioral issues with the younger ones - and it does help. My wife and I observe good behavioral patterns in the 3 & 1/2 year old son with proper sleep, a scheduled life style, participating with him in activities, letting him show us his interests, reflecting positively upon his accomplishments (self esteem) but concerns for “Cultural Parenting” loom in my mind. I cannot and should not be with him all of the time but I need to be able to recognize onset of undesirable influence. We try to lead by example.
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:03 pm
I am so happy for what Mr. Lehman teaches. It was expensive for me to buy the program, but therapy is no less expensive. With the CDs, I can go over them as often as I need to. And I have. I have gone through the CDs at least three times and the workbook twice.
My son was just diagnosed with ODD. The school kept telling me that he was smart, even though he was failing.
I am finally homeschooling him after they sent him to see a juvenile court officer for his behavior. That was their answer. Send him to court!
I told them that he may be smart, but something was wrong. The school tested him, and he came out fine, of course. No distractions! In a room with one adult that he did not know. Sure, he did fine!
I took him for independent testing and they say he has ODD, but that will not qualify him for “help” from public school, so they tacked on ADHD so that the schools will help.
What it boils down to for me, and I understand this now, thanks to Mr. Lehman, is that my son must learn to deal with his issues now (he is 13, by the way) as a judge is not going to care that he has ODD or anything else when he flips out on someone and gets sent to jail.
My goal now is to adjust myself and how I parent the child that I have. I am on a quest to help him and me get him grown!
Thank you, Mr. Lehman for your help and the courage to go against the cultural flow that we seem to have going on now.
April 23rd, 2008 at 6:50 pm
I am raising a grandson (currently 15-years-old) with ODD. He has been with my husband and I for nearly two years and it has been difficult. I have the Total Transformation program and it has been very helpful. About two months ago, my grandson’s therapist, his school and I have worked together to create a comprehensive behavioral plan. The mere act of writing down my expectations for my grandson and developing concrete consequences for violations is really paying off. Here’s one example: I expect my grandson to speak to me in a respectful manner (no swearing, yelling or temper tantrums). When he was disrespectful, I removed his TV and PlayStation from his room. When he was disrespectful again, I removed his CD player…and again, I removed his ipod. Soon there was not nothing in his room except his clothing and bed. Also, when he stomped up to his room and slammed the door, I took it off the hinges. I did not feel guilty about this and whenever he complained I reminded him that he made the decision to lose his “stuff” when he chose to disrespect me and behave inappropriately. After about a month he started to get the message and began behaving respectfully. When he finally got his TV back, he decided to test me and lost it again two days later…BUT his behavior immediately improved. He knows I mean business. There are far fewer arguments and he is learning to control his responses when he is angry. Progress is slow, but my grandson is worth it. My advise to people dealing with kids with ODD is to write down your expectations, develop consequences, review the behavior plan with your child and institute the consequences EVERY time the child violates expectations. ODD kids have an excuse for everything…but be strong…don’t accept any of their excuses.
April 24th, 2008 at 11:15 am
I have 3 kids (9,11,13(soon)), my oldest and youngest, have both been diagnosed as ADHD, my middle is HD (non-diagnosed) and all 3 are also ODD. According to a psychiatrist, the CRAZINESS, in our household is a common problem for familiies w/multiple ADHD kids. This was only a slightly comforting acknoledgement, but provided no impact on our situation.
The few techniques I’ve tried in The Total Transformation system have helped, AND (not BUT) I’m not surprised (I’m prepared), when after a day or two of compliance the kids start to act-out (rebel) against the discipline. I TOO, have found the ability to frequently listen to the CD’s very helpful. It’s a refresher course and personal cheerleading team in one.
I think it’s important to share & acknowledge that I too, have ADHD,am in counseling and take ADHD meds to help, with my issues. Consequently, sticking with this, or any parenting program is especially difficult. I know when Mr. Lehman said ADHD…. is just an “Insurance Diagnoses” was an accurate, and fresh perspective re: my childrens’ poor copingy skills. (I feel ODD is the same thing. Just a fancy way to CLASSIFY a behavioral problem.)
But just as many of you have stated, I’m trying to keep my goal in mind. Which is, to have my children one day become responsible people with ‘good enough’ skills to be able to troubleshoot life’s many challenges. Because as “us grown-ups” all know, the consequences keep having a higher price tag. And frankly, I’d rather spend it on something else.
I am waiting for the new “Consequences…” packet to arrive, because that is where I have a problem. Finding an appropiate one to make my point stick.
It’s all a BIG puzzle; slowly, I finding pieces that are the RIGHT FIT for my family. Good LUCK with all of yours.
May 29th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
I have a 14 year old who pretty well runs the house. I am a single mom with another 12 year old also. Grandma watches while I work. She says its too late to take things away from my 14 year old and just may make things worse. He doesn’t want to go to school, is very disrespectful, demands certain clothes only, is waited on hand and foot, It is a complete power struggle when I am home. I remove things and the fight is on…neverending.
But my mom says it will make him angrier with me and go to the streets. Do I have to live with this fear, I ask my mom. I dont think I should have that hanging over my head.. I have the transformation program, but dont know where to start.
June 4th, 2008 at 9:24 am
Dear Rose: I would recommend that you start by listening to the One Minute Transformation CD in your program. The first thing James tells you to do is “Assume control.” It’s an important attitude change to help you implement the program. There are statements in what you write that suggest you and your mother feel you are not in control and cannot be in control. You say that your “14 year old pretty well runs the house.” Don’t let him. Someone does need to be in charge, but it should not be him. Assume control. Kids are not happy when we set limits, but it can make them feel safe and cared about. They are very bad at setting limits on themselves and need our help to keep their day in balance. If your son will not follow house rules and you determine that he needs a consequence for that choice, you can take away a privilege. It’s not too late. Just be sure to take it away for a short period of time–even as little as an hour can be effective at times. And be clear what it will take to earn that privilege back. You’ll hear more about consequences as you continue to study the program. Remember that his feelings are not what determine your rules. Just because he doesn’t like something, such as going to school or wearing certain clothes, this does not mean he does not have to learn how to go school anyway or wear a reasonable wardrobe. We all need to learn how to do things that must be done regardless of how we feel.
July 8th, 2008 at 10:58 am
I am having difficulty finding meaningful consequences for my 6 year old. He is often “passively” defiant, meaning he will stand there and stare at me when I ask him to do something. He will stand there until I get mad and then either get mad himself or “play the victim”. I have to threaten him with losing a toy or not playing outside if he does not 1. respond to me 2. do the task that I have asked him to do.
He has been working with a behavioral therapist for 7 months and there has been absolutely no change in his behavior. I have listened to the total transformation series several times and I have tried many of the techniques, but it is very difficult when I can get no feed back or cooperation from my child.
August 8th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
The Total Transformation was the best investment ever. My son has ADHD and we were told he has ODD. I questioned this because his behavior in school was never an issue. The issue was only at home. He learned that the teachers had rules and their consequences were serious. He learned to behave from ineffective parenting. Everything we read was describing our child.This program was more effective than counseling. Basically we had to teach him appropriate ways of getting what he wanted and how to solve problems. He did everything this program described just to get his own way. If you commit to the program it works. I listened to the Audio Cd’s all the time while driving.
The ODD symptoms are not an issue anymore. Yes he challenges us still like when being told to turn off the T.V. he would make it a physical battle. Not anymore.
Other parents have noticed he has come a long way with self control. I only wish we had found this program earlier. Thank You.