Rules, Boundaries and Older Children
Is It Ever Too Late to Set up a Living Agreement?

This is the third and final installment in a three part series of articles by James Lehman, MSW.

For those parents who haven’t set up a structured agreement when their child turns 18, it’s never too late to set one up. Even if your child is 23, living under your roof and staying out until the wee hours, it’s never too late to sit down with that kid and say, “We’re going to have to have a talk about our rules here and what parts fit you and what parts don’t fit you.” If a kid is 23 years old and he’s not working, he can’t be up until two o’clock in the morning with friends in the house, keeping other people awake. You may feel obligated to provide that child with a roof over his head. But you have the right to let him know that “This is not your home for that anymore. We’re going to bed, we’re tired, we worked all day. If you’re going to live here, you have to live within our rules.” If he tries to put you down for it, you need to put your foot down. If that means taking the car keys, then that’s what it means.

In Response to Questions about Older Children Living
at Home

There has  been overwhelming response and interest in last month’s article on adult  children. It was viewed over 10,000 times, was our second most emailed article  ever, and has received the most reader comments of any article we’ve ever  published. I must say I’m not surprised about this, since in my private  practice I dealt with many parents who had terrible problems with children who  were over 18 and still living at home. I believe this phenomenon has become a  national problem. As the cost of living goes up, adult children who are not  really prepared for the workforce have to make some sacrifices. Unfortunately  today, kids don’t like making sacrifices and parents don’t want to enforce  sacrifices.

The Jekyll and Hyde Child: Targeted Behavior Problems

For many children, behavior problems are not universal; they’re targeted. Targeted at dad, at mom, at the stepmother, at the fiancé, at a sibling. James Lehman examines why children can be compliant and charming with most people and defiant or even abusive with one person in their crosshairs.

The Lost Children: When Behavior Problems
Traumatize Siblings

Children who grow up with a chronically defiant, oppositional sibling grow up in an environment of trauma. According to James Lehman, "It’s traumatizing when something hurtful happens to you, and you can’t control it, you can’t stop it, you can’t predict how hurtful it’s going to be, and you can’t predict when or whether it’s going to happen." Here, he discusses how parents can reduce the traumatic effects of hostile behavior on siblings and how to help “the lost child” in the family.

How to Keep the Violence Out of Your Home

It’s an undisputed fact that the more violence kids are exposed to, the more desensitized they become to it. But it’s not the violence that’s the problem for families now. It’s the delivery systems used to bring that violence into the home. James Lehman explains how to keep the violence outside your home and away from your kids.

The Truth About Bullies

The public perception of bullying is that bullies are acting out to cover their own fears. They may indeed be afraid, but accepting this as a reason makes bullies sound like victims of their fears -- like we're supposed to feel sorry for them and not hold them responsible for their abusive actions.

Is It a Phase?

Will your child “grow out of” the bad behavior? James Lehman takes a look at when it’s a phase—and when you need to step in.