Why the Word “No” Sets off an Oppositional, Defiant Child

Many Parents of children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder feel hopeless and alone. They live in homes that become like little prisons as they deal with kids who are absolutely out of control and unmanageable. They don’t like their child any more, even though they still love him or her. And they’re confused about why nothing works.

Why is My Child Stealing and What Can I Do?
Advice for Parents on Kids, Stealing and Shoplifting

“My fourteen year old daughter was arrested for shoplifting make-up this week,” said Marie, a working mother of two girls. “Is this just normal teen behavior, or is it something more serious? She’s grounded for a month and I’ve taken away her iPod and computer privileges, but to tell the truth, I’m still in shock. I’m furious and I’m not sure how to even talk to her about what she did.”

Rules, Boundaries and Older Children
Is It Ever Too Late to Set up a Living Agreement?

This is the third and final installment in a three part series of articles by James Lehman, MSW.

For those parents who haven’t set up a structured agreement when their child turns 18, it’s never too late to set one up. Even if your child is 23, living under your roof and staying out until the wee hours, it’s never too late to sit down with that kid and say, “We’re going to have to have a talk about our rules here and what parts fit you and what parts don’t fit you.” If a kid is 23 years old and he’s not working, he can’t be up until two o’clock in the morning with friends in the house, keeping other people awake. You may feel obligated to provide that child with a roof over his head. But you have the right to let him know that “This is not your home for that anymore. We’re going to bed, we’re tired, we worked all day. If you’re going to live here, you have to live within our rules.” If he tries to put you down for it, you need to put your foot down. If that means taking the car keys, then that’s what it means.

In Response to Questions about Older Children Living
at Home

There has  been overwhelming response and interest in last month’s article on adult  children. It was viewed over 10,000 times, was our second most emailed article  ever, and has received the most reader comments of any article we’ve ever  published. I must say I’m not surprised about this, since in my private  practice I dealt with many parents who had terrible problems with children who  were over 18 and still living at home. I believe this phenomenon has become a  national problem. As the cost of living goes up, adult children who are not  really prepared for the workforce have to make some sacrifices. Unfortunately  today, kids don’t like making sacrifices and parents don’t want to enforce  sacrifices.

Gut Check:
Do You Tiptoe around Your Child?

You may not want to admit it, but you do it. You’re afraid of setting your child off, so you don’t ask him to pull his fair share around the house. You dread the next outburst, so you put on a happy face, ask him politely to help and end up doing it yourself anyway. There’s a difference between being considerate of your child and tiptoeing around him. Here, James Lehman talks about tiptoeing around kids who are reactive in a negative way. He defines tiptoeing as being afraid to ask your child to do routine responsibilities or to meet age appropriate expectations out of fear of that child’s reaction. How did this happen and what can you do about it?

Video Games and Violence: What Every Parent Should
Know

What I typically suggest to parents is that they don’t allow violent video games in their home. If and when the issue comes up, that is actually a good opportunity to talk about their values, how to resolve conflicts and disputes in a non-violent way, which are useful conversations to have with kids. In any case it’s useful to convey your values to your children that violent solutions are not appropriate. Non-violent solutions can almost always be found.”

Oppositional Defiant Disorder: The War at Home

Most parents lack the tools to deal with oppositional defiance. So they generally respond to this behavior with a range of responses that includes negotiating, bargaining, giving in, threatening and screaming. The problem is when you scream, argue or negotiate, you are giving your child’s defiance even more power.

How to Keep the Violence Out of Your Home

It’s an undisputed fact that the more violence kids are exposed to, the more desensitized they become to it. But it’s not the violence that’s the problem for families now. It’s the delivery systems used to bring that violence into the home. James Lehman explains how to keep the violence outside your home and away from your kids.

The Truth About Bullies

The public perception of bullying is that bullies are acting out to cover their own fears. They may indeed be afraid, but accepting this as a reason makes bullies sound like victims of their fears -- like we're supposed to feel sorry for them and not hold them responsible for their abusive actions.