The Do's and Don'ts of Divorce for Parents

Divorce is a very complex occurrence that takes place within the family. This article will not attempt to cover all of the many nuances and intricacies involved in dealing with children who are experiencing a divorce. There are therapists who deal specifically with divorces as well as many books written on the effects of divorce on children and on parents. Many towns have programs committed to working with children of divorced families, which can be very effective at helping kids come to terms with what’s going on. All of these options should be considered. I hope this article will offer some useful ideas, but I want to stress the fact that it is not meant as a substitute for a broader understanding of divorce and its effect on parents and children.

Does Your Child Say This?
“You’re not my mom! I don’t have to listen to you!”

When you’re raising or helping to raise a child that is not biologically your own, whether you’re a stepparent in a blended family, have adopted or foster children, or are bringing up your grandchildren, kids may sometimes use this fact against you during the heat of an argument. When a child says “You’re not my mom or dad,” what they’re really trying to do is take the power away from you. Focus on what your role is: caretaker. That means you should inform the child what the rules are in your house. The whole idea here is to avoid a power struggle. What the child is doing is inviting you to a fight. And remember, you don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to. Avoid the power struggle, and calmly state what your role is and what the rules are. It's very important that you verbalize no judgments about the biological mother or father. Judgments will only lead to more anger and resentment, which will lead to more power struggles.

The Holiday Ceasefire:
How to Manage Family and Behavior Problems amidst
Holiday Stress

Perhaps the biggest problem we face as adults during the holidays is the increase in stress. We are often overwhelmed by the amount of work we need to get done on the job and the amount of pressure we feel due to social obligations at this time of year. Add in the stress of gift buying (especially in divorced and blended families) and we feel a tremendous emotional fatigue—which means we have fewer emotional resources with which to manage our kids. An adult who is emotionally fatigued and anxious is less able to be there for their kids emotionally.

Sibling Rivalry: Good Kid vs. Bad Kid

Are you tired of being the referee for all your kids' fights? Do they constantly argue, leaving you exhausted and frustrated as a parent, wondering where you went wrong with them? Carole Banks, MSW, LCSW is the manager of the Parental Support Line for the Total Transformation Program, and in this article she gives helpful advice that will empower you to you "stop the sibling rivalry show" and start enjoying being a parent again. The most important thing to remember: never place your children in the roles of "good kid" and "bad kid."

Four Success Secrets for Stepparents

At times, being a stepparent can seem like a thankless job. Besides normal parent and family issues, you also have disagreements over parenting with former spouses and a lot of hurt and anger being hurled at you from kids on both sides. In this article, family therapist and stepmother Emily Bouchard takes a look at stepparenting and gives you some skills you can use to make your blended family a happier one.

Gut Check:
Do You Parent with Your Wallet?
(Or Know Someone Who Does?)

We’re introducing a new monthly feature in Empowering Parents called "Gut Check"—articles that take an up close and honest look at the way we parent our children, ask the tough questions about what’s not effective, and provide real solutions you can use today. This month: how we use money in parenting our kids.
Do You Parent With Your Wallet?
(Or Know Someone Who Does?)

What kid doesn’t love it when Mom or Dad spends money on them? When you can afford it, buying things for your children is fun. But there’s a point where we buy things for our kids for the wrong reasons: to win their allegiance or simply to get them to stop screaming. Where is the line between generosity and parenting with your wallet, and what’s the danger of crossing that line? James Lehman explains.

The Jekyll and Hyde Child: Targeted Behavior Problems

For many children, behavior problems are not universal; they’re targeted. Targeted at dad, at mom, at the stepmother, at the fiancé, at a sibling. James Lehman examines why children can be compliant and charming with most people and defiant or even abusive with one person in their crosshairs.