Does Your Child Say This?
“Whatever.“

Kids generally say “whatever” to their parents when they’ve already lost the argument. It’s a final attempt to push the parent’s button and to get back at you in some small way for something that your child doesn’t like. Your best bet is to ignore it. If a kid says ‘whatever,’ the odds are that the point has already been decided and you’re in charge of the situation. ‘Whatever’ is their way of trying to save a little face. If you’ve come out on top, don’t compromise your position by letting them draw you into an argument. To challenge it is ineffective. If you give it power, you’re losing the ground that you’ve gained already.

Does Your Child Say This?
"I forgot."

Is your child’s answer to everything, “I forgot?” The fact of the matter is, sometimes children do forget, and certainly a reminder from the parent to do their work or complete a task is appropriate. But when kids use “I forgot” on a regular basis, it becomes a way to justify irresponsible behavior. As an excuse, “I forgot” means the kid is avoiding a certain task or responsibility which they don’t feel they can perform and don’t know how to get help with. Or it could be because they’re being lazy and don’t care about it. Laziness causes as much irresponsible behavior on the part of children as any other explanation. Sometimes laziness can be interpreted as “I’m tired and I don’t feel like it.” Sometimes laziness can be interpreted as “My life’s not going to get better anyway, why should I try?” In either case, laziness doesn’t empower the child to take care of business. So when your child says “I forgot,” you have to say, “Forgetting is not an excuse to justify not doing something.”

Does Your Child Say This?
“You just want to control me.”

When a child says to you, “You’re just trying to control me,” usually he or she is inviting you to a fight. The perception for parents here is that your child is challenging your authority. If you respond to that, you’re giving them more power. Try not to get into a power struggle or screaming match, and don’t deny the obvious. Sometimes parents say, “No, I’m not trying to control you,” when in fact, they really are. Generally, the best thing for you to do is to avoid that fight. Remember, you don’t have to participate in every fight you’re invited to attend.

Does Your Child Say This?
“You’re not my mom! I don’t have to listen to you!”

When you’re raising or helping to raise a child that is not biologically your own, whether you’re a stepparent in a blended family, have adopted or foster children, or are bringing up your grandchildren, kids may sometimes use this fact against you during the heat of an argument. When a child says “You’re not my mom or dad,” what they’re really trying to do is take the power away from you. Focus on what your role is: caretaker. That means you should inform the child what the rules are in your house. The whole idea here is to avoid a power struggle. What the child is doing is inviting you to a fight. And remember, you don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to. Avoid the power struggle, and calmly state what your role is and what the rules are. It's very important that you verbalize no judgments about the biological mother or father. Judgments will only lead to more anger and resentment, which will lead to more power struggles.

Does Your Child Say This?
“Leave Me Alone!”

Children can be adept at shutting down, and shutting you out—leaving you with unanswered questions and a whole lot of frustration. If you find your child is shutting down every conversation with “Leave me alone!” or “It’s none of your business!”, here are some ways you can handle their response—and make sure the issue at hand gets addressed in the appropriate way without getting into a power struggle.

Does Your Child Say This?
“You can’t make me!”

At times, children will verbally draw a line in the sand, stare you in the eye and say “You can’t make me.” When they say this, what they’re looking for is a fight, and it’s important not to give them one. By responding with “Oh yes I can,” there’s a threat implied, and it’s only going to further escalate the situation. You’re giving the child control by joining into the fight that you’ve been invited to. It’s important to remember not to engage the child on her level. Instead, respond to your child by taking your emotions out of the equation and focusing back on the matter at hand.

Does Your Child Say This:
"My Teacher's an Idiot"

Almost every kid will eventually have a teacher they don’t like, but that’s not an excuse for them to refuse to follow the rules of the classroom. When you side with your children in this scenario, believe it or not, you are actually undermining your own authority in the process. The bottom line is that it’s a mistake to denigrate authority figures with your children, even if you agree with them. Read on to see how James Lehman advises you to handle the situation.

Does Your Child Say This?
"I hate you."

Of all the weapons in your child’s arsenal, the words “I hate you” can have the power to reduce any parent to tears or anger. Children know that saying this can paralyze a parent during a fight, which is why they use this tactic to get what they want. In this month’s issue, James Lehman, creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents, demonstrates how to focus the argument back on the issue at hand, and reduce the emotional sting of your child’s words in the process.

Does Your Child Say This?
"I want it now."

Do you dread the threat of a temper tantrum, and feel like you give in to your child’s demands in order to avoid an outburst? In this month’s issue, James Lehman, creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents, shows you how to defuse a tantrum by using an effective response aimed at teaching your child that acting out is not the way to meet his needs.

Does Your Child Say This?
"You don't love me."

Does your child use guilt to manipulate you? In this month’s issue, James Lehman, creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents, shows you how to deflect the guilt by using an effective response that puts the emphasis where it should be: on your child and the importance of following family rules.

Does Your Child Say This?
Translating the Secret Language of Acting-Out Kids

When kids act out, they have an arsenal of comments they fire at you in order to put you on the defensive—a secret language that’s designed to win them control and absolve them of responsibility. If you take those comments at face value—or take them to heart—you’ll always be on the defensive, constantly reacting to a child who’s out of control.