Rules, Boundaries and Older Children
Is It Ever Too Late to Set up a Living Agreement?

This is the third and final installment in a three part series of articles by James Lehman, MSW.

For those parents who haven’t set up a structured agreement when their child turns 18, it’s never too late to set one up. Even if your child is 23, living under your roof and staying out until the wee hours, it’s never too late to sit down with that kid and say, “We’re going to have to have a talk about our rules here and what parts fit you and what parts don’t fit you.” If a kid is 23 years old and he’s not working, he can’t be up until two o’clock in the morning with friends in the house, keeping other people awake. You may feel obligated to provide that child with a roof over his head. But you have the right to let him know that “This is not your home for that anymore. We’re going to bed, we’re tired, we worked all day. If you’re going to live here, you have to live within our rules.” If he tries to put you down for it, you need to put your foot down. If that means taking the car keys, then that’s what it means.

In Response to Questions about Older Children Living
at Home

There has  been overwhelming response and interest in last month’s article on adult  children. It was viewed over 10,000 times, was our second most emailed article  ever, and has received the most reader comments of any article we’ve ever  published. I must say I’m not surprised about this, since in my private  practice I dealt with many parents who had terrible problems with children who  were over 18 and still living at home. I believe this phenomenon has become a  national problem. As the cost of living goes up, adult children who are not  really prepared for the workforce have to make some sacrifices. Unfortunately  today, kids don’t like making sacrifices and parents don’t want to enforce  sacrifices.

Rules, Boundaries and Older Children

Do you have a child between the ages of 17 and 23 living with you? If you're in constant conflict with an older child over everything from curfews (should they have one or shouldn’t they?) to getting a job to alcohol use, James Lehman offers advice on how to set reasonable limits, and how to coach your child to responsibility and independence. (Part 1 of a 3 part series.)