Getting into the back-to-school routine can be hard for everyone in the house. In the morning, parents are faced with groggy kids who won't get out of bed and get ready for school no matter how much you nag, bribe and scold. Homework time can be even worse, with nightly fights and accusations echoing off the walls of your home. So how can you get your child to be more motivated? The important thing to remember is this: your child is motivated—they’re just motivated to resist you. Keep reading to find out how you can turn this negative motivation into a positive one.

Q: When a child becomes unmotivated and won’t get out of bed, do homework or participate in activities, what is he trying to tell the parent through this behavior?

James Lehman: When we’re talking about kids not getting out of bed, not doing their homework or school assignments or not wanting to get involved in family activities, it’s important for parents to realize that there is motivation in the child.

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Audio: Motivating the Unmotivated Child

Last month, we invited readers to email us with their “Number One Concern” for their child in the upcoming school year. Our Parental Support Line staff responded to each inquiry with suggestions based on the Total Transformation and Total Focus Programs.

Overwhelmingly, the top concern was unmotivated children (Thus, our lead article this month.)

What’s on the minds of parents as the school year approaches and kicks off?

1. Unmotivated children.

2. Paying attention and behaving in class.

3. How to get kids out of bed in the morning.

4. Homework problems: teaching kids to bring it home, do it, hand it in on time and not hate it.

5. Bullying behavior, from both sides of the fence.

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When kids act out, they have an arsenal of comments they fire at you in order to put you on the defensive—a secret language that’s designed to win them control and absolve them of responsibility. If you take those comments at face value—or take them to heart—you’ll always be on the defensive, constantly reacting to a child who’s out of control.

James Lehman examines the most common words kids hurl at their parents when they act out, what they really mean, and how to respond to them in an effective way that puts the responsibility to behave appropriately where it should be: on the child.

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