When Hunter was a baby, Pat never imagined parenting him would mean becoming trapped in an argument that would last 15 years. From the time he was old enough to express himself, it seemed that he was looking for a fight with her.
“He’s a very strong-willed person,” says Pat, her polite demeanor belying an obvious understatement. “He’s manipulative, and he learned at a very young age how to make that work for him to get what he wanted.”
The simplest things always seem to turn into huge problems because Hunter simply refuses to do what he is asked to do, whether it was brushing his teeth at age five, or raking the yard at age 15. The word “no” lights his fuse, especially when in response to something he wants to do. “He’s always doing these irritating things,” Pat explains, “as if he enjoys bothering you.”
Getting out of bed in the morning is the issue around which Hunter and his parents argue the most. “We’ve had the worst time in the world getting him up in the morning and into the shower. I know this is unbelievable, but he gets in the shower, stretches out in the bottom of the tub with the water beating on him, and goes back to sleep. From that moment on, we have to micromanage his morning to get him to the bus stop.”
Recently, Hunter was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Pat finally has a name for the behavior that’s been exhausting her all these years. Now, she needs a solution. How does a parent stop the arguments with a child whose primary way of communicating is arguing?
James Lehman:
A day with a child who has Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a series of battles in an undeclared war. It starts when they wake up, continues at breakfast, intensifies when they have to get dressed, and doesn’t end until they fight with you over bedtime.
Kids with ODD lose their temper quickly and often. They’re easily annoyed and frustrated by other people, resentful and hostile with adults, bossy and pushy with other kids. They blame everyone else for their difficulties and make excuses for their inability to cope. They gravitate toward negative peers and tend to be sulking, angry adolescents.
Unrestricted free time is a breeding ground for aggressive behavior for these children. In an unstructured environment, they become annoying, threatening or destructive to kids around them and to adult authority figures. They will use this time to deliberately antagonize anyone they see as “in charge.”
As a parent, you can’t satisfy a child with ODD, since their thinking is irrational. They clamor for your attention and then tell you to leave them alone. The sad truth is, kids with ODD aren’t very likeable. Parents often feel guilty about the fact that they love their kids, but don’t like being around them.
Parents get blamed for their child’s oppositional behavior and tend to heap even more blame on themselves. The parent of a child with ODD often feels incompetent and isolated. They live with the self-imposed shame that other people think they’re bad parents, and that humiliation grows larger as their world gets smaller. Left untreated, Oppositional Defiant Disorder can lead to Conduct Disorder, a more serious pathology that is a precursor for anti-social behavior and criminality.
Of course, for many parents, ODD is not the primary issue. Rather, they are dealing with continuous, low-level defiance that is not incendiary and aggressive, but is aggravating, annoying and disruptive to the family. Whether the defiance has turned into a diagnosis of ODD or has not, the parent’s approach should be the same.
How to Stop the War and Restore Peace at Home
Most parents lack the tools to deal with oppositional defiance. So they generally respond to this behavior with a range of responses that includes negotiating, bargaining, giving in, threatening and screaming. The problem is when you scream, argue or negotiate, you are giving your child’s defiance even more power.
Everyone from the school psychologist to your mother-in-law will tell you what this child needs is “structure.” But no one really shows you what kind of structure and how to put it in place. It’s not as simple as giving the child a time out. A child with ODD won’t use the time out to change his thinking. He’ll use it to plot revenge. Parents need to change their parenting style and method of operation with the child.
- Children with ODD need structure with an aggressive training component that is built around learning how solve the problems that trigger their defiant behaviors. Your child becomes oppositional when he is confronted with a problem and he can’t figure out how to fix it. The problem can be anything from not wanting to get up in the morning (as in Hunter’s case) to not wanting to do homework. Screaming at the child to get out of bed won’t work. You need to show the child that he has a problem that has to be solved and address it as such. Example: “Lying in bed after your alarm goes off won’t solve your problem. It makes you late and you miss the bus. What can you do to solve your problem?”
- The focus of treatment should be on developing compliance and coping skills, not primarily on self-esteem or personality. ODD is not a self-esteem issue; it’s a problem solving issue. There’s no evidence that self-esteem leads to compliance, and emotions are not, in and of themselves, a way to kids to cope with their problems. Kids get self-esteem by doing things that are hard for them. Children with ODD need a lot of strong praise and support as well as realistic rewards. They don’t benefit from a pat on the back for doing something that’s easy for them to do. They should be praised for doing things that are challenging to them. Don’t create false situations for which to praise them to make them “feel better.” Parents need to learn several different parenting styles that meet the needs of this child. You need to be less of a “cheerleader” and more of a trainer and coach.
- Avoid senseless power struggles. Pick your battles with your child carefully and win the ones you pick. Many times you can win fights with this child by not arguing back. When you argue, his resistance gets stronger. Instead of arguing, set limits in a businesslike way and expect compliance.
- Have a plan for managing your child’s behavior. When you’re going to the mall, know what you’ll do when he acts out in the car. It’s important to lay out the rules ahead of time, when things are calm. For instance, before you go to the mall, tell the child, “When you lose it in the car, it becomes dangerous for me and for everyone because it’s distracting. So if you lose it in the car, I’m going to pull over for five minutes, and I’m not going to talk to you. You’ll have five minutes to get your act together. If, after five minutes, you have not regained control of yourself, then we’re not going to the mall. We’re going to turn around and go home. " Have a plan you’ll use if he throws a tantrum in the store or if he acts out at a family gathering. And be willing to follow through on the plan until the child learns defiance doesn’t get him what he wants.
Parents dealing with ODD need a powerful mix of determination and strength. You can have a child with ODD and a peaceful home. The key is to decide: Are you going to change the world for your child or teach him to cope with it? It’s not practical or effective to try to change the world for your kid. But by setting limits consistently, concisely and clearly, you will teach your child to cope with the world and succeed in it.
Finally someone who understands, and can relate the frustrations parents are going through
Comment By : Anonymous
This sounds like my daughter. Everything I ask her to do is met with either a "No" or negotiation about doing it. If I try to impose consequences she says she can do anything since she has "free will" which creates more tension. I'm hoping I can get some answers from the Total Transformation Program to help calm our home. I often say, "Why can't they just do what they are supposed to do!"
Comment By : Tired Mom in Michigan
I have a 16 yr old son who was diagnosed with ODD last year by a psychiatrist at UC Davis. Up to this point I just figured he was a out of control brat who needed constant supervision and control. The diagnosis met with rolled eyes, and "what that boy needs is a good spanking". In the last year I have found myself jumping through a lot of his hoops to keep the peace. My husband is wanting our son out of the house so we can have peace. I felt I had so many issues to deal with; staying out past curfew two nights in a row(it wasn't his fault) cutting class ("thats wrong I was there","the teacher is a jerk"), chores not getting done (he'll do them later)TV not off at designated time (the show wasn't over)cleaning his room (why? it just gets messy again, and its his brother's stuff), being home for dinner, no calls after 9pm, smoking, on and on. Everything is a fight. Yesterday I listened to The One Minute Transformation and the first audio CD, Then I called the parent hot line. When my son got home I sat him down in my room and calmly laid out the consequences for the curfew violation; four days grounded to be visited again on Friday. He ranted and raved, I walked away. He followed and threatened to leave anyway, calmly I told him I would call the PD and report him as a runaway as many times as it took for him to stay home. He badgered and cajoled and I walked away. In the end he stayed home~ mad & in his room but home. Additionally, I called his school and asked what the cutting policy consequences were and asked that they institute them~ he will have yard cleanup on Sat. morning. I count this as a successful resolution and feel empowered to move on with the program.
Comment By : Kathleen
My youngest will be six at the end of the month and this describes him completely. I am a good parent and feel like I parent my older(ADHD child) appropriately. I am a trained social worker and for the past four years I have repeated the same phrase, "I just don't feel equipped to deal with this one(my younger child)" I constantly feel inadequate and ineffective as a parent. My older child describes his brother in this way, "he ruins everything". Rarely do the same techniques work with my younger child, its completely frustrating. But then when he has a good day and we have not fought continuously it is so sweet.
Comment By : smplgrl
Our path to ODD began with a move in which my 7th grade daughter, now a junior in the same school system, changed from the perfect child with a mild history of social anxiety and shyness into a withdrawn and depressed young girl with times of unpredictible ODD behavior. Our move to a highly competitive, mega-school system sent her anxiety into overdrive. We did not have the parenting skills nor did she have the communication skills to effectively handle the situation. She became sad and withdrawn, grades feel, and over 8th and 9th grade we began to see a change in the type of friends she choose to hang around with. We struggled to maintain our traditional, christian family values and expectations while parenting a teen that began to disassociate herself from our family. Through grounding and taking away the phone, encouraging her to participate in anything of interest, we continued to stuggle to get her to conform to our expectations. Attend school, make good grades, be pleasant at home, choose nice freinds, make good behavior choices, set goals... be happy. Unfortunately, we didn't recognize the warning signs and only after discovering in 10th grade she tried over the counter pills (coriceden), tried alcohol (vodka), got caught sneaking out, caught but not arrested for shop-lifting did we seek help from professionals. I feel that if we had sought help earlier after seeing signs of situational depression and anxiety, we could have prevented the escalating path to ODD. In 10th grade we spent a good 6 month period with several professionals. Medication did not work since she didn't participate, however, the contract for behavior with consequenses and rewards seemed to stabalize her behavior. Now, in 11th grade, she is still depressed but is managing to attend school, pass courses, work part-time, drive, has not taken medication (legal or other), consumed alchohol, or shop-lifted. However, she still identifies with and hangs out with underachieving friends, still sees herself as the trouble maker of our family and feels like an outsider. She is still challenged every day to attend school and keep up grades. We have simply maintained a stable 9 month period. We still have not effectively addressed her situational depression with the resources available in our area. It's frankly frightning to seek help knowing it will be trial and error in finding the right fit for her needs. Since we had such a horrible experience with the medication (Lexipro - she did not participate and did not regularly take the medication). We feel we are sort of stuck between this minimum level of stablized behavior and another episode of ODD should she encounter any more stress. She was rewarded with a sleepover for the first time in 11 months and they snuck out at 3am to meet other friends at a fast food restaurant. They were caught by us parents and we handled it very calmly. She has once again lost sleepover privilidges for an undertimined time and can only drive to and from school and work for the next week. She is saying that she wants to try another depression medication that she is willing to take the medication properly. I will once again start down the path to treat the source of her ODD, depression, starting with her primary doctor, a referral to a new psy doctor and try another medication for depression. A note to other parents, if possible, recognize the behavior that lead to ODD and treat as soon as possible. Be flexible, parent the child you have - not the one you wish you had, show your love and acceptance of your child even during the crises and just keep trying... they are so worth it!
Comment By : Devoted Mom
Well my step-son is 12 and has escalated his behavior levels since he began middle school. He was diagnosed at 7, but we were already using tactics like these before that.
Our greatest challenge is to get the teachers onboard. Until last year we had the best Special Ed teacher anyone could have. Since he hasn't had her, his behaviors have worsened and now middle school is hopeless. We need the school and the home to be structured the same way for him to stay stable. I'm tired of the schools not doing their job with the IEP's. They are ultimately responsible for failing him because I believe he is as good as the adults around him.
I'm worn out now because he has become more hostile and more defiant and I'm afraid of this setting in. When all his environments are in control he produces 95% behaviors and more. I'm tired.
Comment By : Stepmom
I'm really scared that society today have to have a "Name" for "disorders" for children behaving negativey or not behaving at all.
Why don't we call it behaving badly and tend to it. I think these articles are wonderful, until I read this one. "ODD"? Come on, let's stop the labeling and testing and "treating" these behaviors and learn to be parents. Granted, there is no"parenting 101" but we need to learn how to be the parent and train our kids in a way that let's them know we are the parents and are in control in a loving way.
Comment By : Teacher/author
* Dear Teacher/Author: Thanks for your comments. I agree wholeheartedly that diagnostic labels can be distracting, and it's very frustrating for some parents to have to deal with them. I too have concerns with labels. I personally don't believe labels have any practical function for parents except that they serve as a shorthand for describing "behavioral clusters" which a wide variety of kids can have in common, allthough they may come from very different backgrounds and cultures. Unfortunately, some parents get caught up in the "label chase" as they desperately try to figure out what's going on with their child. I always try to remember that many parents of behaviorally disordered kids are hurting: angry, frustrated and disappointed by educational and mental health systems that can label kids but can't seem to help them or their families deal with the attendant behaviors. Labels are shorthand to describe certain behaviors. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't let them offend you. As long as we can remember we're dealing with an individual person and not a label, we'll be able to stay on target. By the way, if your child is labeled, make the person making the diagnosis explain to you in plain language what the label means and what specific interventions and resources are needed to address the child, not the label.
I cannot say enough about the people who are reading these articles to become better parents. Your children are lucky to have you, and I hope my thoughts and comments help you in some small way. You know, I was adopted and had a very hard time with behavior. I try to write articles in a way that my parents would have found helpful. Don't let the use of labels distract you. Thank you, James
Comment By : James Lehman, MSW
To James Lehman: Thank you for helping us in so many ways. Right now, I am referring to the points you made about the acronyms that are used to label our physical and mental health conditions. I have been bothered by the way it seems that modern medicine uses these terms as a cheap copout for a real diagnosis with an explanation to the causes. Even more troubling is when these letters (ADHD, ODD, etc.) are used as an excuse by parents or teachers to dismiss inapproprite behaviors. Your comments shed light on the purpose of these labels to quickly communicate amongst care providers what behaviors they are dealing with. How to deal with them is becoming more clear through learning all the described techniques.
Comment By : April
I have a grandson who fits the Oppositional Defiance Disorder who is 13. We realize that he is getting close to being too old for the willingness to get some help. We have been to several local professionals but we live in a rural area and do not have the most qualified resources. We have been searching for a someone who is highly qualified to give him the teaching his need. We live in La Grande, Oregon which is close to the Washington and Idaho border. We don't know where to go for help.
Comment By : D. Williams
* Dear D. Williams: The best recommendation for anyone is the old fashioned way: by asking for referrals from professionals you trust. The best place to start is your pediatrician or family physician. These professionals in your local area are in the field and should know who does a good job in the area.
Comment By : Carole Banks, LCSW, Parental Support Line Manager
My son is 13years old he was also label as EB- emotional and behavioral problem. he wants to sneak out of the house at 1am and he attracted to negative music and violence. Has no respect for authority none what so ever. He is in tribunal for hitting a teacher. He really feels he can do anything he wants and nothing will happen to him. They label him but never tell me how to handle the problem. Right now I am a frustrated mother and I'm tired. I have been to a lot of professionals but it seems to not do any good. And I think it's because they have not been where I have been with a child and they have not been where my son have been.
Comment By : valencia frustrated and tired mom
I also have a very bright student, this student tells me all he wants from his Teachers is to be respected as a person, to listen to his ideas, comments, If a Teacher will respect him as a Person with Ideas about a different way of doing things then he gets along quite well with the Teacher and the subject to him is secondary. But, this will only happen a "perfect school". Some Teachers view his IEP as "extra work and effort" when all he needs is to sit down do what he is told and be quiet. He has told me (the Parent) that he will give the Current Teacher a Learning Period in class about him how he wants to treated in class, the way in which he will respond to the Teaching of the Subject Matter. If the Current Teacher will responds to (as he calls simple rules) then all is well for the School Term and he will proform beautifully. If these terms are not followed he will make the Current Teacher Life unbearable. Grades are a by product, consequenses and rewards have no effect. I tried to show him the consequenses and rewards from each side of each issues. He himself has to learn how to handle each issues postive or otherwise. Yes, this student will make you work each day on what ever subject you teach, but in the end the Teacher just might be a better Teacher next School Term b/c the Teacher has learned how to work with not against students with ADHD/ODD. Yes. it is very tiring to have a student with these items in their personality. But we as Parents, Teachers etc. can either choose to work with these Students so they can become productive members of society and show them proper ways to handle themselves or "just let them lose and become a drain on society". I try to work with them to see just how can they can become a postive person.
A concerned person, LA
Comment By : A Parent trying to show a better way
How do we know if it is ODD or ADHD? My son has been on medicine for ADHD but when he the medicine has worn off or in the morning before the medicine, he is mean, nasty, and doesn't stop and nothing bothers him when we yell or punish. He does cry sometimes when we tell him to go to his room, but he is just defiant, mean and horrible most of the time.
Comment By : ilovemysonhelp
I do not know if my 16 year old son has this type of behavior problem but "we" have a problem. I am a single mom, dad walked out. I was having problems with my son before that as his dad was a absentee parent with his job. So, his leaving wasn't the total cause of our problems. To show you what I am dealing with, If I stopped along the road and said we were just going to be quiet for 5 minutes and if he argued with me we would not go to the mall?....He would be quiet for the 5 minutes, we would go to the mall, he would disappear. My son, is now using drugs, alcohol, doesn't come home till he feels like it, has dodged the PD numerous times when I have sent them looking for him. I am within moments of putting him into the military becasue he is going to get to a phase where I can no longer cope. He is the last of 5 children I have pretty much raised on my own. I have not had this trouble with any of my other children. He is defiant, verbally abusive, just down right ugly behavior. As far as his education goes, he had a very poor introduction into education with poor teachers in a poor system and he will forever be making up that beginning. He resents their labels and rebels. Teachers read papers from the former school and set the course for how they treat him. He has ONE teacher out of 10 that understands him. Oh, and yes my son has a high IQ. We know he has the ability. I am up this a.m. reading this, he is on spring break and did not come home until well after midnight last night, I have to go to work, he is left alone. I have pushed for him to get a job and there is always some reason why that won't work with his school schedule. He received MIP, Exhibition driving tickets so I sold his pickup his dad gave him after the 4th ticket. He knew that was the consequence. We live in a very rural area. I went to the local Dr. and was referred to a wonderful Dr. for my son. Got my son 3 appointments that he either didn't show up at or walked out on. So, where am I going to go next and what can I do to help get my son to see he is only hurting himself?
Comment By : So sad
Our 14 year old son has been ODD since the moment he was born. He is extremely difficult to deal with much of the time, but can be such a great kid when he wants. He is very intelligent and has a high IQ. I have told him that he would make a great lawyer because he loves to argue! His 17 year old brother has a completely different personality and we've never had problems with him. He too gets frustrated with his sibling's behavior. About 5 weeks ago I purchased your "Total Transformation" CD's and can already see changes in my son's behavior, as well as mine and my husband's! We still have a long way to go but I feel we are on a much better track than we were. Thank you for practical advice!
Comment By : Hopeful for a happy ending
What was the response to "ilovemysonhelp"? I too wonder whether it is ADHD or ODD or maybe it's a combination of both. My son can be very nasty before school & I've been tracking his behaviors when I think the meds are wearing off. The behavior usually begins approx. 7 or 7 1/2 hrs. after it was given which is prime homework time.
Comment By : Mother of 4 in Georgia
* Dear "ilovemysonhelp" and Mother of 4 in Georgia: It is not uncommon for ADHD and ODD to coexist. It is what the medical community refers to as “co-morbid conditions.” That’s why medication should not be used alone. All the guidelines call for a combination of medication and behavioral interventions for kids with more severe symptoms and especially in the presence of co-morbidity. Programs that provide a combination of parent education, behavior modification and cognitive behavioral therapy, including anger management, are the tools necessary to turn around the situation you described.
Comment By : Dr. Bob
Thank you for the enlightening article. Finally, someone knows what my life is like. My 14 year old has argued ever since I can remember. (He would actually refuse to sit in the time out chair and sit on the couch, or vice versa at age 2!) The shower story with Hunter is priceless. Do you have a hidden camera in my house? It is good to know that I am not alone, that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and there are viable solutions for success! Blessings to you for the encouragement!
Comment By : WalkingbyFaith
Our 16 yr old son has been diagnosed with ADHD and some say ODD as well. I struggle with him to take his medication (Concerta) sometimes, but he's realizing that he speaks/acts out at school and gets in trouble if he doesn't so he's learning to take it daily. I have been doing pretty much everything your program suggests and its working. His dad supports me and tries to do them as well but I am the one who almost always follows through. His dad is away training in another state for the AirForce so he is now an abscent Dad, which in a way is working well because there's no guessing game as to whether I am going to follow through with any punishment. The best was when I found out his grades had fallen below a B and his consequences were that he could not go out that night. He insisted he was going to and I laid down the rule for that as well and quit talking. He continued to inform me he was going anyways...he didn't! I win! Game set match! It was so hard to ignore his rant and rave...but I did! To all you parents trying to do it...just remember you are not their best friend...you are their parent! I also try very hard to pick my battles, so cleaning his room is not that big a deal...he lives in it and I remember when I was his age. I do make him clean it up once in a while, but its not the end of the world if he doesn't. His tombstone is not going to say, "He kept a clean room." I keep the rest of the house picked up...I just close their doors. Good luck and keep parenting!! If you're reading this website then you are doing the best thing as a parent...caring! Oh yea, and keeping him involved with his small group and small group leader is amazing!!! God is awesome!
Comment By : Parenting 101
I have a 16 year old son that suffers from ADHD/ODD/Bi-Polar. It has been a challenge and we have been seeking professional help for about 12 years. His behavior has deteriorated over the past year and we have had to seek a Rehabilitation Treatment Center to work on retraining his problem solving, anger management, and cognitive behavior skills. It has been so frustrating trying to find the right help! We are praying that this works as he was headed straight for jail! Don't give up on your children, keep fighting the battle for them seeking all avenues for help!
Comment By : Encouraging Texas Mom
I have a 16 year old with ODD/ADHD. I have been working the transformation program for the last year. The arguments have stopped but not the behaviors. He stays out to whenever he wants. He goes to school whenever he wants. He is about to be kicked out. He is drinking hard liquor and all his friends are drop outs. He has a very high I.Q but is failing almost all of his classes. We have offered him everything if he would follow the law. (includes curfew, and no drinking) and doing well in school. Nothing works. We have taken away his membership to the J.C.C and he now pays it. We took away his phone. We don't drive him anywhere. There is nothing else to take but kicking him out if doesn't comply. My husband would like to do that so the rest of the family can have peace. I'm not ready to do that. I don't think even that would make him comply. I am at a total loss. He has gone to a theapist for 2 years, he will not go to a rehab center or do anything else. Any help would be appriciated
Comment By : bhorowitz
You have no clue how good it feels to know I'm not alone in this boat. I have for ever felt guilty and sorry for my 15 year old who has pushed since she was three years old. My heart aches to know she has deprived herself of so much. All her life has been a life of being grounded and had this or that taken away due to her defiant and oppositional behavior combined with ADHD. I am trying this program but I have to admit I still lose it, I've struggled so much with her all her life, I'm pretty much burned out now, but I'm trying.
Comment By : Still trying in Texas
Response for "A Parent Trying to Show a Better Way" I think I see where your son is trying to go with his learning period for new teachers, but the language being used may be setting up a confrontational situation. From your post, it sounds like your child is telling the teacher the rules of engagement and the consequences for not playing by his rules. As a parent of a child with ODD, I understand the need to educate the teachers about common triggers to a child's outbursts, but as an educator, I won't respond well to a student who tells me how to conduct my class. I think your son might find more cooperation if he can present his needs without being condescending or threatening. Perhaps he can try something along the lines of "My favorite instructors are the one's who can _____ or who take the time to _______" as opposed to the "I need you to do ____ or I will be a difficult student." I hope your son finds he can have more than a 10% succcess rate working with teachers as oppossed to dictating to them.
Comment By : Mom of 2 ADHD kids
This comment is to Dr.Bob, My son is 7yrs old and has been diagnosed with ADHA and ODD. He is currently taking medication for ADHD, but as far as what to do about the ODD I've been told there is no medication. All I've ever wanted was to have my son seen by a good behavioral theripist. We've been to 2 different Psychiatrist and all they do is ask alot of questions and do nothing with the child. I've had enough, I need some real help. He's also had alot of problems in school, The school has started an IEP,but they look at me as if they've never delt with a child like him before. It does feel good to read these comment and know not all hope is lost.
Comment By : A Mom n Need
This has actually been a very helpful article. I also hate the fact that we seem to need a diagnosis for everything, but I also wonder if there is any help out there.
My daughter was abused by her father when she was younger, but we don't talk about it in our home because we are not sure how much she actually remembers and we don't want to bring up something that she may not be ready or able to deal with.
I have had problems with her for the past few years as far as anger is concerned. She would yell at me for waking her up at the time she wanted me to wake her up so I would let her sleep a little longer and then she would yell at me for not waking her up when she wanted to get up. It has been a nightmare!
She wants me to spend time with her, but when I do, she reads a book or watches television and pretends I am not even there. If I have a friend over she gets mad and tells me I never spend any time with her. It can be really annoying. The last time she did this, I spoke very calmly to her and she started screaming at the top of her lungs. She told me how much she hated me and how she wished her father had killed me last year when he made and attempt to kidnap her.
This went on for an hour before she finally calmed down, looked at me and told me she had to go pee. It was so bad that I called Child Protective Services myself and asked them what to do with an out of control child. Of course, they have been at my house several times for people saying that I was abusing my daughter, but when i called to find out what to do with her, nobody would return my calls.
It gives me hope to think that there may be an anser to this. Thank you.
Comment By : at wits end
To "ilovemysonhelp": You do know that a lot of the ADHD medications will make any ODD behaviors worse, right? Any of the stimulants can and do make children combatative, mean, defiant, etc. My son was labeled as ADHD a few years ago. He was treated with many stimulants, all of which turned him, well, evil. He was then on a different one (non-stimulant) for about 8 months, and while the side effects were minimal, it didn't help much with his impulsivity and attention. He was later diagnosed with Sensory Integration Disorder and ODD. He also developed Tourette's-like symptoms. He has been in Occupational Therapy for about 7 months and it is helping. He also was put on a new medication that is actually a blood pressure medicine that has been shown to decrease symptoms of ADD, impulsivity, and tics. It has helped in a miraculous way. However, I suffer on a daily basis with his behavior. I do not attribute his, I will call them ODD behaviors, to any thing he has been labeled with. Instead, I have to find a way to get through to him. Every day I want to cry because he doesn't listen. He talks to me so rudely that I would be appalled to have anyone hear it. My other children (I have 4, he's the second in line) always complain that he ruins everything, and they're right. Anyway, the point to my post is that the ADHD/ADD medication can be exacerbating the defiance and meanness; sometimes you have to weigh that with any benefits it may be giving him. Good luck to you.
Comment By : Indianamomof4
I have ready the articles of all the mothers that have written in. I can see my 18-year old in most of the letters. My son has been diagnosed with ADHD since age 7. He has been on medication. As the years pass, he is getting much worse. I am a nurse and realize he has ADD, but he has not been diagnosed with this. From the time he gets up in the morning to whenever-if ever he comes home at night it is a constant battle. We have tried various types of punishment and nothing works. We have tried praise and rewards (although we had to search to find anything to praise him on) this did not work either. He has been to a child psychologist that we quit going to because he just wanted us to whip him. He went to a child psychiatrist who wanted us to wrap him in a blanket and take him down when he acted out. I do not and did not think physical abuse is the answer. My son is the type that would fight until he died if this type of thing was done to him. He is on concerta. We have missed much of his childhood-he will not share papers from class or anything. He is to graduate in May (I hope). His favorite retort now is that "I am 18 and I can do what I like." And he does. He has had numerous speeding tickets and wrecked a truck. He had a part-time job that he did keep for 2 years and lately walked off the job because he lied. He is a pathological liar also. One cannot believe anything he says,especially his parents and grandmother. He has defied every rule we have ever made. School has been a battle the whole time.
It seems that praise is the focus of your program. This has not worked. Are there any other suggestions? And is it too late? Is he too old?
Our stress level is "out the roof" most of the time any more. He is our only child and we love him more than anything. Yet, it is a relief when he stays with his girlfriend although we have taught against this. Any help please (I mean something that will really work. We have tried everything else).
Comment By : At wit's end
I am so thankful that my mom saw a television ad for you about 2yrs. ago and bought the complete program for my husband and I. We have four children and #2 abused our #3&4. He is now out of the home and finally after 3yrs. away with "treatment", he is becoming healthy. Our #3&4 are coming along with counseling and your program. It has set realistic goals for us to implement not only at home, but also with other expectations of the counselors. Our #1 got lost in the sauce for a while, but now that he is away at college, he has actually begun to see us as parents-imperfect people doing the best that we can. We have worked harder these past two years on our home relationships and learned a whole lot from your program. I believe this is a lifelong process and changes with every child. We feel so much more confident and I am not yelling half as much as I used to. I am able to actually walk away and not be upset-amazing to me. My husband and I talk about the best ways to handle situations and I have found that he is incredibly creative!Thanks for helping us be the parents we need to be-not the understanding friends who aren't the true reality our children will face in the world.
Comment By : breathing again in NC
I've been a teacher for almost 25 years, and I purchased the Total Transformation CD program a short time ago. I'm on CD #3 right now. I listen to one CD for a week before moving on.
I agree whole-heartedly with James re: 'accountability'. I also agree with the concept of having a plan - "What am I going to do when such-and-such happens?"
I have seen more parents this year than ever before who need this program. Too much of the time, the kids are running the homes instead of the parents!
Comment By : Kevin
I never knew there were parents out there going through the EXACT same thing with their kids and I am with mine. These articles have been such a help to me!
Comment By : cant giveupmom
I am a grandmother/mother of a wonderful 13 year old boy. He has
had some of the same problems everyone else is talking about. Argueing, telling me he hates me when he doesn't get his way, trouble in school. I have been taking him to a concelor for 1 year now and we have made some progress but i want to tell you that it is US the parents that have to make the change. We have to be firm and consisitant, not to give in. They know we already love them, that is why they keep acting the way they do, because we let them. In a fact I think we love our kids too much these days. We fill sorry for them, we want the best of this world for them at any expense. I have also noted that we have been attending church on wednesday nights and he enjoys going there. We haven't made it to church on a regular basic for sunday morning but I think we should start, it only helps us as parents stay strong.
Comment By : robin42305
My 17 year old son has been in counseling for the past year and nothing has helped. After reading this I know he has opd, probably closer to the anti-social/criminality behaviors at this point. In the past year he has been on probation and the outreach program for the past 8 months, yet he continues to break the law, ignor probation rules and acts as if the court and me are in the wrong for making him "suffer". Nothing is his fault, his behavior at home is violent and he is verbally abuse. He has punched holes in walls and windows, broken furniture, etc. His current doctor continues to tell me my son just has a severe case of adolescence, and this is insanity. Now that I have read this and the comments, I am armed with the needed information to screen for better doctors. I don't want to lose my son, to foster care or to juvneile detention, I love him with all my heart, but he is destroying himself and me. Thank you for this information, I now have a sense of what's been going on with himw.
Comment By : kathleen
MY heart goes out to each one of you in your situations with your children,teens,adult children it is a tough row to hoe. I have a son that was diagnosed at age 15 with ODD after he kept saying he was going to committ suicide. His saving grace has been AA twelve steps.He is a leader in it now and it has really helped him see what he has done to his life as well as others. He is a kinder person at 30 now.
Comment By : knggrc@aol.com
My heart truly goes out to each and every one of you that is dealing with a child with any of these "labels". I am certainly not a fan of the labels but have found that they do help in some ways to get access to the professionals and services they need. We do work very hard to NEVER have them used as a crutch or an excuse for behaviours.
There have been issues with my 14 year old stepson (I use that word for clarity purposes only as I truly think of him as my SON not a stepchild) for as long as I have known him which is over 10 years now. We tried repeatedly to get some help from the "system" and have met so many roadblocks in services and people along the way. We tried to have him assessed for ODD/CD when he was 10 but were told his behaviours were not severe enough then to fit the criteria. I have worked very hard to get over my anger regarding this as I wonder how much we could have avoided by earlier intervention. He had to be removed from our home in January 2006 due to safety issues for our other children (we have 5 in total... 2 of his, 2 of mine, and 1 of ours). It was a very difficult thing even though he had been removed for short periods (5-10 days) twice before. We had a custody agreement, then a temporary guardianship agreement with Social Services (we live in Canada so that is how the system works here). We then were at a point of having to give over to permanent guardianship which would essentially mean he becomes a ward of the court being raised by the system. We just did'nt have the heart to do this as it is a system we have very little faith in with our experience of it over the past few years. All this while our son was being defiant in the group home, running away, being abusive to property and other people, missing school and a whole host of other behaviours. Still we laid it on the line at a counselling appointment... the first he had shown up at in over 3 months and said we wanted to go to bat to have him home. He stepped up his part and we went to court and refused to sign the guardianship papers. He is now at home and things are certainly not a bed of roses but I can tell he is trying so I work very hard to notice the positive points whenever possible. He was kept under temporary guardianship by the judge and it will be reviewed in 3 months and then we will see if we have him back permanently. He knows this and I think it is a good motivator for him. We have had issues with other kids as well and I sometimes wonder if it wasn't precipitated by all the stess and chaos in our home and most of our energies being devoted to our "problem child". Our 17 year old daughter has moved out and in and out... so we have now closed the revolving door. Our other 14 year old (my biological son) has had some issues this last year as well and since my stepson has been home we have had 2 instances of the 2 of them ganging up on the parents. We have informed them that if this escalates it will end with a call to 911 and are fully prepared to do that. There are positives though and we do deeply love all of our kids so will keep working on this.
My advice to anyone would be you still need to look after yourself or you are no good to anyone. Seek out a parent support group in your area... I have been attending one for almost 2 years and it has sure helped me keep my sanity knowing we are not alone and having that support. Keep learning and contacting agencies... you never know when you will find the right person or "fit" for your situation. Keep notes so you have something to go back on if you ever need it... with mine I may write a book one day!!! Don't give up and don't excuse unacceptable behaviour. YOU have the right to set the limits as to what you will tolerate in your own home! Reach out to crisis lines they can be very useful in stressful times. Only give consequences you know you can follow through on or these kids will believe that you will follow through on nothing and the escalation continues.
If you live in Canada, or Calgary in particular ask for more specifics from me... believe me I have talked to hundreds of people I'm sure since all of this has begun and am so willing to pass on anything that may help another.
I wish you all the best. Don't give up ... these kids can make positive changes.
Comment By : Shawn in Calgary
My 13 year old son was diagnosed ADHD 6 years ago, he has been on meds since then. Within the last year his defiant behavior had worsened.From getting him to do his homework to getting him out of bed in the morning. Every thing is a battle! I have been implementing the total transformation plan and we have small successes. I am very hopeful. I know it is also up to me to continue to follow through with the program. Thank you so much for the helpful information.
Comment By : hopefulin fresno
I have an 8 year old son who was diagnosed with ADHD last year. He has been on several stimulant medications and it has drastically improved his ability to concentrate and stay on task at school. His defiance is over the top, although he hasn't been officially diagnosed with ODD. Everything is a battle with him and nothing is easy. He hits and kicks (us and the wall) in his rages. I wouldn't know what to do if I asked him to do something and actually did it without a fight. I was wondering if any other parents of these difficult children have noticed that the behavior is 10 times worse at home. For the most part, my son acts like an angel in front of other people. At home anything goes.
Comment By : Worn Out Mom
This has been very helpful! I'm a single mother & I've been dealing with my daughter's ODD for the past 6 years. I put her in counseling at the age of 3. When she was very, very young, I knew there was something different about her. She would get mean, nasty, irate, argumentative, etc. at the drop of a hat. At age 3, they diagnosed her with an extreme case of ODD. I'm having a hard time moving past blaming myself for this. I went through a very bad divorce when she was about about 1-1/2 to 2 years old & have blamed myself for causing these problems with her. They told me back then that there is no medication to control her ODD problem. We've gone through behavior management with a 2nd counselor, but things have gradually gotten worse. Luckily, my parents are very helpful to me -- especially when I'm at my wit's end. Mornings are especially horrible. My daughter is now 9 & I've got to have her in the bed by about 8:30 pm at the very latest or you can't even stand to be in the same room with her the next day. I know she's slept, but she acts like she's still very tired when she gets up. Does anyone know -- can ODD be tied back to sleep issues? I saw that others are having issues in the mornings also & was just curious.
Comment By : Chris -- OHIO
My children are grown now, and I wish that I had the parenting skills expressed by this article. I intend to learn all I can now to help with grandchildren, and break the legacy of parental mistakes. billhalle@bresnan.net
Comment By : Bill Halle
My husband and I have been wondering what was going on with our so since the time of birth. He has always been "difficult". All I can say is that parents of these children know in their heart that something is wrong, but can't put their finger on it. I won't even go into all the things he has done, but anyone of these parents probably already know. He has not been diagnosed with ODD, but when I have been researchong the internet, and he sounds so typical. My son is very social however, and his behavior at school is pretty good. His biggest problem is at home. It is a constant battleground and very disruptive to our family and his siblings. I know some parents may think this is just normal teen behavior, but if you actually have a child like this, you know this goes way beyond the norm. He is 13 by the way.
Comment By : Mother looking for answers
To those parents, G-parents, any authority figures, ODD kids are MESS at best.
They are the one's who make you want to carry out the response of "You are driving me to drink!!!", of course my kids reply with, "So drink, Already!!!". They show us we can't win for loosing.
All 3 of my kids have varying degrees of ODD,(in addition #1 (13G) &3(9B) are ADHD, #2(11G) is HD). I swear #1 has been “PMSing” since she was 2, and #3 has always had to be tough, being the littlest with 2 older strong willed sisters. And #2 with her HD(non-diagnosed) acted out, just to get the attention she felt she wasn't getting. Having grown up an only kid, I was clueless about sibling rivalry, and add ADHD & HD to boot; I was NOT prepared to deal with this type of family life and I have been drowning for years.
I found that the Meds and counseling have had only limited success, and other parenting programs didn’t fully meet my needs, or teach me the how and why this was happening to my family.
2 years ago, my mother-in-law sent me an ad she saw in the paper. Boy did it ever sound like my kids. I ordered it & loved it right off the bat. But stupid me didn't follow thru like I should have.
Recently I've been re-listening to the series, one CD at a time. child #2 is already doing better. (and she's my most ODD kid, talk about a will of steel, hers is tougher than Superman's)last night (Wed) she started to talk to me without hurting my eardrums, and using polite language. This is after I consequenced her (on Monday) with taking away items very special to her, (she accused me of stealing, I got up to 3) and told her once she demonstrates [for a week] respectful behavior to me she'll earn her items back. And when she starts to falter I remind her I can add more items to the confiscation list. (Because she is the one missing them, NOT ME!) I'm trying REAL HARD, to focus on the big picture. Teach my kids problem solving skills that have a better chance of helping them make it in the real world.
I know all of you feel alone; I often do. WE ALL have this picture that no one else in our neighborhoods or kids’ school has kids as defiant as ours. Not true! Share your CDs with them and the teachers. Someone will GET IT. And can be your ally. Use the effective parenting techniques Jim teaches. And the consequence DVD is helpful, too.
I'm starting to GET that I'll never be the perfect mother, and my kids will never be my dreamed up version of ideal kids. But, I CAN change how I respond to them, and induce responses which are appropriate and not disrespectful or obnoxious.
I can’t wait to get back some of what we’ve lost, get togethers with friends and family members, vacations and family trips.
Comment By : ADDMomOf3in Tx
I read the post by Still Trying in Texas and thought how it could have been written by me. I have a 15 year old daughter where everything is a battle and I find myself thinking how I have never found enjoyment in being her parent. I try to focus on the positives - she isn't doing drugs, isn't having sex (or at least I don't think so), isn't shoplifting or stealing, is going to school everyday - and sometimes that is enough to get me through the day. But most days it isn't, I second guess myself, my husband and I fight often on how to deal with her and her 12 year old sister is now threatening to kill herself because as our therapist says she is jealous of the time I spend with my 15 year old, even though most of that is arguing. Parenting her is exhausting. I try to do fun things with her such as go to the nail salon or clothes shopping but she always does or says something to ruin the experience such as complaining that I am cheap. Most of our problems now are because she has gotten in with a crowd of kids whose parents let them do whatever they want. They see no problem with the kids partying in the woods around a campfire all night long and when I tell her she can't hang out with these kids WE turn out to be the mean parents. I have listened to all the tapes and listen to them constantly as reinforcement. They have proven to be a tremendous help but we still have a long way to go. People tell me it gets better but most people aren't dealing with the issues we are dealing with. Reading these articles and peoples' comments prove to me there ARE other parents dealing with the same issues and knowing you are not alone is a great help. Sometimes I am so tired I just want to give up but then I realize she is our daughter and we can't give up on her.
Comment By : bischmd
It's nice to here I'm not alone .I've received my cd's and have listened to the first one and have started to apply the methods.I am starting to see some results,and I feel so blessed. There is hope for better days. Thank You
Comment By : Page
