Do you have a kid who doesn’t care about consequences? If so, this dad’s story probably sounds more than familiar to you:
“I’ve done everything I can think of to get my teen to follow just the simple rules. I took away his Xbox. I unplugged the TV and removed the cord. The internet was shut off indefinitely (thank goodness I still have my phone!). He’s lost privileges, time with his friends, and even the door to his room, but nothing matters and nothing fazes him at all. He says he doesn’t care about any of this stuff, so what am I supposed to do? It’s not like I can take away his bed and all his furniture or take the door off his room— though, trust me, we’re considering it at this point!”
Even just reading that story, I feel myself getting overwhelmed. Parenting is hard. And it’s often frustrating.
When your child refuses to respond to consequences, how else are you supposed to get them to change their behavior? When nothing works, how are you supposed to get them to follow the rules?
Certainly, every family is unique. Your situation may look different on the surface, but I bet lots of parents experience a vicious cycle that looks something like this:
- My kid acts out.
- I give him a consequence.
- Nothing changes.
- I give him another consequence.
- Nothing changes.
Now he’s even more resistant, and we’re even more annoyed. He gets another consequence. And still, nothing changes.
Fortunately, there is a way through this seemingly never-ending conflict. And the answer might not be what you think.
Stop Stacking Consequences
James Lehman in The Total Transformation® Program tells us that you can’t punish a kid into better behavior. So while it’s certainly tempting, taking everything away from your child is unlikely to be effective in changing behavior.
James goes on to say that “stacking” consequences—adding one after another—only teaches a child to “do time,” and simply wait out his consequences rather than actually follow any rules or change behavior.
In addition, when you stack up too many consequences or ground your kid indefinitely, they see this as a hole from which they will never escape so they stop trying and stop caring as a natural reaction.
Think of it this way: if everything is taken away and there’s no chance of earning anything back anytime soon, why would they bother to try?
If they’ve lost access to their Xbox for six months, what good is behaving better today?
By stacking your consequences, you remove any impetus for your child to change. It becomes a game, a deeply entrenched power struggle, rather than an effective parenting tool.
Once kids feel like there’s no way they can get their stuff back, it’s almost like their best “defense” is to stop caring.
And as a parent, there is nothing more frustrating than working up a consequence, only to hear your child tell you they don’t care about what you’ve taken away.
Change the Dynamic
So here’s the thing: if you’ve come to a place where you’ve taken almost everything away, and it’s still not working, know that trying a different approach can change the whole dynamic in your family.
Keep in mind that parenting is a work in progress, and we want to keep looking for what’s effective. Below are some of our most effective tips when dealing with a child who won’t listen or doesn’t seem to care.
Tie Your Consequences to a Specific Behavior
Remember, you’re giving your child a consequence because you want them to change what they’re currently doing. You want your child to learn something, whether it’s learning to clean their room, abide by the house rules even when they don’t want to, or come home on time each night.
To use a common example, if they routinely get a consequence for not cleaning their room, then they need to show that their room-cleaning skills are improving. A consequence tied to this behavior might be:
“When your bed is made, your dirty clothes are put in the wash, and the dirty dishes are put in the dishwasher, you can have access to the internet. If these things aren’t done, you don’t get internet access that day.”
It’s sort of a combination encouragement-consequence: show me you’re improving, and you earn something you want.
Give Them a Chance to Succeed
When you’ve taken everything away, kids see no escape. It’s a bottomless pit of punishment. Instead of stacking on additional punishments, try taking it day-by-day.
To continue with our “clean your room” example, you might say:
“Your room needs to be clean by 4 pm each day. When it’s clean, you can access the internet. If you don’t get it clean by 4 p.m., there’s no internet that day. You’ll get to try again the next day.”
Do you see how that might work more effectively? Rather than that bottomless pit, you give your kid a new chance, every single day.
But what if it’s not something as simple as cleaning his room? What if you’re dealing with abusive language or disrespectful behavior?
First, remember that there’s no excuse for abuse. Never. If you are the target of verbal or physical abuse, you need to act. The article below is a great starting point for dealing with behavior that becomes abusive.
Related content: When Kids Get Violent: “There’s No Excuse for Abuse”.
Regardless of the behavior, giving your child a chance to succeed every single day is more effective than stacking consequences. Remember: punishments do not change behavior effectively and often backfire.
Focus on One or Two Behaviors at a Time
Chances are there are many things you want your child to do differently. But just focus on one or two behaviors at a time. Once they’ve shown improvement in those areas, you can use their success (and yours) to build future success.
If you focus on too many things at once, your child will get overwhelmed with all the things they’re supposed to be doing. Not only that, but you will get overwhelmed with trying to remember what consequence goes with which behavior.
Remember that you give a consequence because you want your child to do something differently.
One and Only One Consequence Per Behavior
Match each behavior with one and only one consequence. Let’s say that your child is working on the following two behaviors: (1) cleaning his room; and (2) getting home by curfew. Set a specific consequence for not cleaning his room and a separate consequence for not getting home by curfew.
Let’s say the consequence for not cleaning his room is losing internet access until his room is cleaned. Then don’t use losing internet access as a consequence for breaking curfew. Choose something else. Keep the behaviors and their consequences separate.
This technique makes things clear and straightforward for everyone involved. Plus, you want your child to succeed, which means he needs to know that a privilege already earned stays earned. It can’t be taken away by something unrelated. If he cleans his room, he gets his internet access regardless of whether he breaks curfew.
“My Kid Still Doesn’t Care About Consequences!”
Kids will pretend they don’t care—they do this all the time. They pretend they don’t care to discourage you from using a particular consequence. They want you to believe that it will be ineffective.
Pretty smart, when you think about it. But you know your child. You know what she cares about. Don’t listen to what they tell you they care about, look at what they actually care about.
The trick to effective consequences is to choose something they value, tie it to a specific daily behavior, and make them hungry for more of it by giving them a taste of success, every single day.
Be sure to give the consequence some time to work. They may be able to go without a privilege for a few days and act like they don’t care, but eventually they find it is just better to comply with the rules. Think of it like speeding tickets—the first one might be tolerable, but after two or three most people will decide it is just better to slow down.
If you’re not sure what your child values, choose a calm, relatively quiet time to sit down and talk with them about it. You might even ask them:
“Is there something you’d like to have more of or have more time with? We’d like to give you an opportunity to earn those things, every day.”
Having this discussion with your child makes sure everyone understands the expectations, privileges, and consequences. Not only does this simplify the whole process (no more coming up with a consequence in the heat of the moment), it makes your child feel like part of the team: you want them to succeed, and you’re going to help them get there.
Related content: How to Create a List of Consequences for Children (With Downloadable Consequences and Rewards Menus)
Be Consistent
Once you’ve chosen the behaviors you want your child to improve, and you’ve matched them with a specific consequence, the most important thing is to stick to it. Consistency is important. Consistency keeps everyone in your family on track.
The truth is, you are all in this together. You can create an environment of success, together, one behavior at a time.
About Megan Devine, LCPC
Megan Devine is a licensed clinical therapist, former Empowering Parents Parent Coach, speaker and writer. She is also the bonus-parent to a successfully launched young man. You can find more of her work at refugeingrief.com, where she advocates for new ways to live with grief.
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My 11 year old son just continually lies about everything and is deceitful. I am at my wits end and it's always silly little things he lies about. Then he wakes up super early and will go on his iPad and go on YouTube which I recently banned him from because instead of doing his school work effectively he was listening to YouTube (he has dyslexia and concentration/memory is a massive issue for him so I feel like the distraction of music is worse). I spoke to him about it and how his behaviour upsets me and that if he just chose to the do the right thing then there would be any opportunity to lie.
My partner doesn't get on with him very well currently because of the lies and deceit (if he was an adult he wouldn't be someone my partner would choose to associate with because of his behaviour) and currently is unable to see his own son and finds it hard living with a child who is disrespectful when he is desperate to see his own.
I just don't know what to do. I've tried all forms of punishment and tried not punishing him but talking to him and rewarding good behaviour but just nothing seems to work. It seems like he doesn't care about anything but himself and getting to do what he wants and even if that gets taken away from him, it makes no difference.
Lying is a big button issue for a lot of parents, so you're not alone in your distress, It can help to recognize that lying isn't a moral issue or a character flaw, but a reflection of your son's poor problem solving skills. You can read about effective ways of addressing this frustrating behavior in these articles: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/child-behavior-problems/lying/
Thank for reaching out and sharing your story.
RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Ok, I know it's only been a couple days, but we have seen a DRASTIC improvement! I think the things that stuck out the most is the time limits, both in punishment and in objectives, and the power struggle. "I need your room clean in 30 minutes. If it's not, X punishment will happen." It works like a charm. And the currency is key. Not only the obvious currency, but the ones that just pop up. For example, my daughter wanted a stuffed animal she left in another room before she went to bed. I got it for her, but told her she couldn't have it until she brushed her teeth. The teeth were brushed without quarrel, and everyone was happy! That stuffed animal wouldn't have worked for a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store, but it worked in that moment. The other article referenced was one about yelling. Although I think I subconsciously knew this, the idea of, if I'm screaming she knows I'm not in control and therefore thinks she has to be really hit home. That's why we fight, because she doesn't respect me. All because I'm not in control. I've also been using the line, "we are not going to scream anymore unless someone is about to be hit by a bus".
Incredibly awesome stuff you guys have here. I've already shared it with friends and family! Thanks so much!
@Helen
I hear you.It can be so frustrating
when your child is becoming defiant, and you are spending more of your time in
power struggles with her.As Megan
points out in the article above, adding on more consequences and taking away
her toys in addition to not going to the park is likely to escalate the power
struggle more, rather than motivating her to comply.In addition, I also encourage you to try your
best not to engage in an https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/avoiding-power-struggles-with-defiant-children-declaring-victory-is-easier-than-you-think/ with your daughter.Ultimately, you cannot “make” her care, or comply with your
directions.You can only control your
own actions and responses.Our article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/defiant-young-children-and-toddlers-5-things-not-to-do/, outlines some more
effective steps you can take when your daughter is becoming defiant.Please be sure to write back and let us know
how things are going for you and your family.
Ttifa
This sounds like a frustrating situation. One thing you might
consider doing is establishing a reward or incentive plan aimed at getting your
son to copy his lessons. This could be set up as a daily incentive, or it could
be more long term. For example, you could link one of his daily privileges to
him copying his lessons. Or, you could give him a check mark or point each time
he copies his lessons. Once he’s earned a certain number, he would then earn
the reward. For more information on how to use behavior charts, check out this
article: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/free-downloadables-child-behavior-charts-how-to-use-them-effectively/. Good
luck moving forward. Take care.
kjet2003 Grounding is a punishment, not a consequence.
Full Definition of consequence
1: a conclusion derived through logic
2: something produced by a cause or necessarily following from a set of conditions <the economic consequences of the war>A consequence follows logically, not imposed by some higher power. That's a punishment and is often counterproductive. It is based in fear and damages relationship. Your relationship with your son is much more important. Coach him through the needed behavioral changes from the perspective of being on the same side, not his adversary. Love (the opposite of fear) builds relationship which allows for influence rather than control. Control doesn't work when you're not looking. Influence is internal and goes with your child no matter where he goes. Consequences, a form of control, will have no effect when your 12-year-old becomes a 16-year-old and is spending even more time outside of your reach.
johnnyb96
You ask a great
question: what do you do when a child refuses to comply with the consequences
she is given? Something to keep in mind is that the most effective
consequences tend to be time-limited and task-oriented, as Megan explains in
another article, http://www.empoweringparents.com/authoritative-parenting-consequences.php. What this means is
that if your daughter chooses not to comply, she is also choosing to have her
consequence last for a longer period of time. We do not recommend
spanking or other physical punishments as form of discipline, mainly because it
is not going to be helpful to your daughter in the long run because it is not
teaching her how to behave more appropriately in the future. Please let
us know if you have any additional questions; take care.
SabrinaKaylee
Many parents ask us what an effective consequence might be
for one situation or another. In many cases, there isn’t one “right”
consequence. What can be helpful is to ask yourself “What do I want my daughter
to learn here?” as James Lehman suggests in the article Kids Who Ignore Consequences: 10 Ways to Make Them Stick. In your situation for
example, you might want your daughter to learn how to take accountability for
her actions. In that case, you could utilize an amends, or, having your
daughter do something to make it up to the person she wronged. So, she might do
a small chore or other task to “make up for” the mirror she broke. What’s going
to be more important than consequencing the behavior is helping her develop the
skills so there’s less a chance the behavior will happen again. Most likely,
your daughter was disappointed she wasn’t able to handle the coins, and,
lacking the appropriate skill for dealing with that frustration, she kicked a
wall. Problem solving with her, or talking about what happened and making
suggestions for ways she could handle her frustration more appropriately, is
going to be worthwhile. For more information on problem solving, you can check
out this article by Sara Bean: The Surprising Reason for Bad Child Behavior: “I Can’t Solve Problems”.
I hope this answers your question. Take care.
susananderson051714
I can understand how frustrating these types of situations
must be for you. One of the first things we often talk about when speaking to
families in divorce situations is to focus on the rules in your own home,
because you can’t control the rules and consequences that happen (or not) in
your son’s biological mother’s home. It can be helpful to make a short list of
just 3-4 of the most important rules in your home to review them with your son at the
beginning of each visit and remind him of them, as needed, during the visit. It
can also be effective to limit the number of times you are giving directions.
As Megan Devine states, in her article Ask Once and Your Kid Does It: 5 Ways to Make it Happen, “If you’re in the habit of saying something 4 or 5 times
before your child does as you’ve asked, why should he do it the first time?”
Once you have established clear rules and limits with your son, it can be
helpful, especially with younger children, to use incentives to increase the
desired behavior, rather than taking privileges away, as they may not yet be
able to connect the behavior to loss of the privilege. You can do that using
our free printable Free Downloadables! Child Behavior Charts: How to Use Them Effectively to help motivate your son. Good luck to you and your family as you
continue to work on this, and let us know if you have any more questions.
I was wondering would it make a child behavior better if you say. Honey if you get all good faces at school this week you can have a new toy worth 5$ or is that a bad idea to do?
@audrey
You ask a great question.
Finding what motivates your child to meet expectations is really helpful for a
few different reasons. First, it allows you not to get involved in any power
struggles about whether or not you can make your child do anything. Second, It
keeps it simple. If your child does whatMore they need to do the privilege
will be earned. If he or she makes the choice not to do it, the privilege
will not be available. One thing to keep in mind is how long it will take to
earn the privilege. Depending on the child’s age and ability, if it takes too
long to reap the reward it will become frustrating, feel unachievable, and the
young person may give up. Also keep in mind that rewards don’t always have to
be things you buy, they can also be activities or access to things you already
have. This article http://www.empoweringparents.com/Bribing-Kids-Vs-R... by Erin
Schlicher may help you continue making a plan that works for you and your
child. Thanks for writing.