Recently, I was sitting at lunch with a friend, swapping stories about our families. I shared that I was concerned about how my adult stepdaughter was doing—she was facing a difficult situation thousands of miles away from home. “Well,” my friend said, “You don’t have to worry about that. You’re not her real mom.”
You’re not “The Real Parent.” How many times do stepparents hear that phrase? It comes from stepchildren, biological parents, friends, extended family, teachers and generally anyone in society who hasn’t had the first-hand experience of being a stepparent. It’s a verbal reminder of what every stepparent knows: that we often have most—or all—of the responsibilities a “Real Parent” has, but without the inherent or legal rights of biological parents.
We are expected to give our love, time and often money, as Real Parents do; to understand and always put the relationship of the biological parent and child first (sometimes above the marriage); to provide our stepchild with a positive role model but defer to the biological parent on matters of house rules and discipline. It’s a constant balancing act of being involved, but not too involved; loving, but respectful of the biological parent’s role and our place in the parental hierarchy.
Raising children in a blended family can be challenging, frustrating, and overwhelming at times. It can be a real test of endurance to manage to stay together through some of the tough times that can erupt with your stepchildren. It can also be a time of growth and lasting relationships—but as every stepparent we know would agree, it’s not always easy.
Many stepparents feel resentful because they can’t stand an “Ex,” guilty for not liking their stepchild’s behavior (or sometimes personality) and frustrated with a spouse who just won’t get “on the same page” about parenting. Statistics show that the most common type of family in America today—65 percent of us—are part of a blended family where there are biological and non-biological parents present. Complex and often misunderstood, it offers unique challenges—and the opportunity for rich emotional rewards.
The truth is, whether you’re co-parenting in an “original” or “complex” family, conflict is going to occur. It’s natural. You can’t live together without some disagreements occurring. These 5 tips can help you keep issues from escalating:
1. Be Mindful of Your Expectations
When blending a family, everyone has expectations. Unspoken or unrecognized expectations can set you up for conflict. Your spouse/partner may expect you to discipline their child at times, but their child may not be expecting that. Now who’s caught in the middle? You may be expecting your stepchild to love and respect you. That child may be feeling confused or insecure and actually behave in a way that communicates the exact opposite. Unmet expectations can lead to disappointment, anger, hurt and resentment. If you find yourself upset about something, take a moment to identify what expectation you had that wasn’t met. Ask yourself these questions:
- Was the expectation realistic or fair?
- Did the other person have any idea you had that expectation?
- Is it an expectation you can let go of, or is it important enough to discuss as a family?
Remember, you can only control yourself and your own reactions. When you have expectations for others to behave or feel a certain way, you have no control over that. Also, be mindful of the expectations you have of yourself. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We all have expectations for ourselves as parents. Rarely do we always live up to them 100 percent of the time. If you don’t like how you’re responding to your stepchild, take steps to change things—within yourself.
2. Give Respect…Even if You Don’t Always Receive It
This doesn’t necessarily mean you respect a behavior, it means you respect your stepchild as a person. One biological parent said, “My son was always terribly disrespectful to my second husband. He would give dirty looks, ignore him if my husband said anything to him and in general just treat him with utter disrespect.” We recommend teaching your stepchild what you hope will be a lesson in morals and values, by remaining respectful toward them. This is extremely challenging and requires patience. When you’re responding, do not give in to requests that your stepchild hasn’t earned. Ex: This stepfather worked hard at treating his stepson with nothing less than respect. But when his stepson would ask for money or to get a ride to a friend’s house, this stepdad would simply reply, “You know, I’d like to do that for you. But you treated me pretty terribly earlier today, so I’m not going to be able to do that. Maybe next time.” Stay calm and polite but send the following message: In real life, if you treat someone disrespectfully, they don’t do favors for you. This is an excellent way to role model respect for both your stepchild and yourself. As in all parenting – with biological or stepkids – sometimes we don’t see the payoff in the short run, but these kinds of lessons last a lifetime.
Related content: What to Do When Your Stepkids Disrespect You
3. Identify Your Intentions
We’ve worked with couples where it’s clear there are different intentions. A biological parent may have the intention that “We’re all going to come together with everyone’s best interests in mind and build a family.” The new spouse may just plain dislike that stepchild and have the intention, “He needs to get out of my house as soon as possible.” These are competing intentions and expectations that will lead to conflict between everyone in the family, including within the marriage. If it feels like there are competing intentions occurring, communicate with your mate. You may need to speak with a therapist who can help you find common ground.
4. Remember Why You’re There
Many stepparents have expressed feeling trapped in a situation with a stepchild whose behavior is awful: the kids may break the rules constantly, be disrespectful, and possibly even physically aggressive. Whenever a child behaves this way, even biological parents can feel trapped and terrified. You’ve made the choice to come together with another person and form this family. Why? Most of the time it’s out of love. Remembering that you are choosing to be in this family—and focusing on the “why”—can help lighten feelings of resentment or helplessness and remind you why you stay.
5. Communication Is the Key
In blended families, you have the coming together of two sets of rules, discipline and expectations. If there isn’t some discussion ahead of time about things such as values and beliefs about limits and discipline, it can lead to conflict between parents down the road, which will trickle down to the relationship between children and their stepparents. These differences in parenting can have a very tangible effect. As one parent shared, “It’s hard to hold my son accountable for breaking a rule when my husband holds my stepdaughter to a different standard.”
Agreeing on how you will discipline your kids—and coming up with a plan together—is a good way to go about getting on the same page. Many families have a system where the biological parent will discipline his or her own child, with the stepparent’s support. This works as long as the two of you agree on a fair method of discipline for all kids.
But remember, all families are different and have different needs. One stepchild we saw in therapy actually complained about her stepfather never providing any discipline for her. She felt he favored her half-brother over her because he would discipline his own son, but avoided giving her consequences or setting limits with her. Although this is a rare case, it brings up the importance of finding what works best for you, your spouse and your stepchildren. Communication between you and your mate is essential for a successful family, in any situation. Do you agree on parenting styles, discipline techniques, rules of the house and expectations? If you can talk about these things before joining a family, that’s the best case scenario—but it’s never too late to start.
Blended and stepfamilies can be tough at times, but they can also be an opportunity for unique and loving relationships. If you’re lucky, you’ll get acceptance along the way. Sometimes, surviving through conflicts can bring people closer together, but it takes commitment, forgiveness and an open heart.
About Kim Abraham, LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW
Kimberly Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner are the co-creators of The ODD Lifeline® for parents of Oppositional, Defiant kids, and Life Over the Influence™, a program that helps families struggling with substance abuse issues (both programs are included in The Total Transformation® Online Package). Kimberly Abraham, LMSW, has worked with children and families for more than 25 years. She specializes in working with teens with behavioral disorders, and has also raised a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW, is the mother of four and has been a therapist for 15 years. She works with children and families and has in-depth training in the area of substance abuse. Kim and Marney are also the co-creators of their first children's book, Daisy: The True Story of an Amazing 3-Legged Chinchilla, which teaches the value of embracing differences and was the winner of the 2014 National Indie Excellence Children's Storybook Cover Design Award.
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Thank you for reaching out with what sounds like a very distressing situation.Blended families can be challenging, especially when there are multiple step children involved. We have several articles that offer some helpful tips for navigating these challenges: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/non-traditional-families/blended-step-families/. It may also be helpful to find a family counselor who specializes in blended families.
We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community and wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.
I can understand your distress. We hear from many blended families who share similar stories, so you are not alone. It may be beneficial to review a few of the tips found in our blended family articles. You can find those here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/non-traditional-families/blended-step-families/
One article in particular I think you may find helpful is: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/blended-family-the-5-secrets-of-effective-stepparenting/
Thank you for reaching out. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents about your situation. I can hear how distressing your step son's behaviors are for you and the rest of the family. Blended families do offer some unique challenges, especially when the bio parent and step parent aren't on the same page about hos to address acting out and defiant behaviors. We have several articles that offer helpful tips for navigating these challenges. You can find those here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/non-traditional-families/blended-step-families/.
We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
Welcome to Empowering Parents. I'm sorry you are going through this with your family and can understand why you feel in the middle between your husband and son. This situation a bit outside the scope of what we are able to offer coaching or advice on. I encourage you to see what types of local supports may be available to help you and your family.
We appreciate you reaching out and wish you all the bets moving forward. Take care.
Husband broke up with me few months ago, we were in love, we were happy and everything was perfect not until he started dating my best friend, I cry myself to sleep every night, I tried everything to get him back. It looks like its hopeless, He spends time with my best friend and not me. I miss him so incredibly much and everyday, he was a great guy and I needed him back and i never thought possible that Dr Mack can restore broken relationship! At first I was scared cos I read a lots of stories of fake spell casters, scams and i never really believed in magic but I played along with a little faith, the love spell worked like a magic, 3 days after the love spell was done Dr Mack made my Husband to come back to me with greater love, i was happy, I was floored that his spells worked, everything felt dreamy and unbelievable, please if you have the same issues Email..( dr.mac@yahoo .com ?
Trying to Blend So I take it that your husband has kids too? And these are the blood grandkids...? Well i would say, having been one of those "not blood grandkids" that t is highly unfair to the children to treat them differently. They will feel like second class citizens when they are at your husband's family's homes if they are not treated equaly. My mother felt powerless to get my brother's grandmother to treat us both equally and it has scarred me terribly to feel so much injustice. My father adopted me even and still his mother did not step up. I completely disagree with Rebecca that this is okay. It's mean and selfish and totally unfair to the kids. If, as you say, you and your partner are truly close and on the same page, i think you should speak to his family and ask them how they would like your family to treat your husband's children? Would they like to think that their blood grandkids will be feeling less important and like second class citizens when they are with your family? They should treat your children the same way they want your family to treat "their children."
In some ways age can matter as it's harder to develop close relationships with older children, but it shouldn't make that much difference. Just might take a bit longer, but in the meantime, they should be treated as much the same as possible. I mean I even got second hand toys for Christmas and my brother got all new stuff.
15 year old step daughter is trying to break up her mom and me and if that's not bad enough she's enticing older men claiming she's 19 and constantly on the phone with guys from all over the US who think she's older.
Mom has all but given up on her and I on the verge of giving up on both, I can't take this BS anymore but all I get is "that's how she is".
Her mother is my second wife and truely is my love of a lifetime but the stress is affecting my health(already have major heart problems) and either the stress from my step daughter is going to kill me or a broken heart of losing my love of a lifetime will.
My husband and I have been together for 7 yrs. We have custody of his now 9 yr old. We have a 2 yr old and are currently expecting a baby. When I first met him, his daughter was 2 going onto 3. She was a handful and behaved very poorly. Her mom was on her 2nd child, and both my husband and I decided to wait a while before bringing kids into the picture. His daughter moved in with us when she was 4 and this helped us more with rules and a consistent discipline process.
it was challenging for me, seeming that this was a whole new experience, burn it one I could not take on.
As time passed and we became a more stable trio, we decided to have a baby. I was very excited yet worried about how I would feel with this new change. I also began to notice that my older daughter was not so excited about having a baby sister. When the baby arrived I became this other more affectionate person. I was in complete mommy mode and enjoyed spending as much time with my new baby. I included my older daughter as much as possible, but she has always had this jealousy for my 2 yr old.
They both fight constantly and my 9 yr old is always comparing herself with the 2 yr old.
Now that we decided to have our final child my step daughter has begun to act up. She is also 9 and at a age were talking back and challenging things is a must. She only behaves in this matter with me, as she is pretty scared of her dad.. I am running out of patience with her. I feel I am not enjoying being a mom two my two ur old and soon to. Be baby because I need to be careful of the affection I show them.
I am not sure if this is a common feeling and it will fade, but I currently just want to take my two yr old and just leave....
Hello,
So me and My husband were married for 18 year and have now get devoiced. When we got married I have a daughter from another relationship that was 8 months old. Then had a child with my husband. we devoiced 2 years ago and my oldest daughter has always had him as a dad. Now he has a new girlfriend and she say she doesn't have to include my daughter cuz its not his real daughter. what is some good advice for this?
Krier
Thank you for writing in.I can only imagine how hurt you and your oldest daughter must have been
upon hearing this from your ex-husband’s new girlfriend.Ultimately, your daughter’s relationship with
your ex-husband is up to them to decide.You can support your daughter as she moves forward, and tries to figure
this out with her dad.It can also be
helpful to involve a neutral third-party, such as a family therapist, to help
you, your daughter, and your ex-husband if he is willing, during this
time.If you are not currently working
with anyone, try contacting the http://www.211.org/
at 1-800-273-6222.211 is a service
which connects people with resources in their community.I recognize how difficult this must be for
you, and I wish you all the best moving forward.Take care.
Hello,
I am in a blended family which in the early years was great. I met my partner,
now my Wife, who already had kids, 9yo boy and 18month girl.
As the kids got older, stepson now 26yo and stepdaughter
19yo, still living at home, things got more difficult for me. My Wife never
liked my discipline rules, the step-kids never did also. When I thought
something wasn’t right, I used to get anxious and had to build my nerve up
before saying anything.
In my opinion, they are still to dependant on their mother,
she does everything for them and she is the one they go to when they want
something. My Wife never consults with me about anything when it comes to
making decisions about them which leaves me frustrated.
For example, my Wife has recently moved in my step-daughter’s
boyfriend because he had a domestic at home… she never consulted with me to see
if I was comfortable with this. Wife knows I’m not happy about it, but expects
me to be ok with it.
We had an argument about it which ended with my Wife saying “the kids come first, they are more important”.
As you can imagine, I wasn’t feeling too good about myself
at that point. Not only did she show NO concern about how I felt about the
situation, she kind of ranked me below the kids. I understand that mothers will
always want to look after their sons and daughters, but they aren’t kids
anymore, they are adults and you need to let go at some point.
Antonio West
I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you are
facing in your marriage.Conflict
happens in most relationships, so it tends to be more effective to make a plan
for how to handle it effectively rather than avoiding it altogether. When you
and your wife disagree, I recommend keeping this between you and your wife and
not talking about it to your stepchildren.Instead, I encourage you to talk privately with your wife during a calm
time to resolve this conflict, and to https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-blended-family-wont-blend-help-part-i-how-you-and-your-spouse-can-get-on-the-same-page/ moving forward.In
addition, sometimes it can be useful to involve a neutral third-party,
such as a marriage/family counselor who works with blended families, to help
you resolve the issues you are facing.If you are not currently working with anyone, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222.211 is a service which connects people with
resources in their community.I wish you
and your family all the best moving forward.Take care.
@Jrob Hi there, I am in similar straits with my male partner. He consistently undermines me with his children who are teens. The one who lives with us in particular. She swears awful words very loudly and very often. She does not do much to help around the house and often when I ask her to do things he will turn around and say "No that's okay." I feel powerless and like this is not even my house. He will not hear me. Accuses me of some of the same things people on here are saying their partner's accuse them of - not liking the child or whatever. It's so frustrating and painful I am very close to ending our relationship because I feel completely like a second class citizen. I have even been told that the children have "priority" on the house and I need special permission to have guests stay the night when they are here but they don't even have to ask about things like that.
Sad and getting heart-broken,
Zahra
@Jrob
I can hear how difficult this situation is for you right
now, and how much these differences are wearing on you and your relationship
with your partner.I’m glad that you
have talked about these differences with each other, and attempted to make a
plan to get on the same page when it comes to discipline.Sometimes, it can be useful to involve a
neutral third-party, such as a marriage/family counselor who works with blended
families, to help you find common ground and develop a plan which you can both
agree to follow.If you are not
currently working with anyone, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222.211 is a
service which connects people with resources in their community.I wish you and your family all the best
moving forward.Take care.
Mamato4 Hi there, I have similar issues with my partner who has three teen daughters. I think there is a case to be made both ways. We had to make a decision about the rooms in our home because his two daughter's who were living here only 2 nights a week each had a room and we had to work at the kitchen table all the time. So we took one room for my office. It didn't go down well with the 13 year old who "lost her room". He was supposed to tell her that her having a room was on a trial basis but didn't. So anyway she was good and got over it.
In your case it's tricky. As you say, they are only there 50% of the time, but they are also older teens with greater need for their own space than a six year old. The two older ones have also had to share until now at the age of 13 and 16. What if it was agreed that the oldest two get their own rooms and youngest continue to share with a couple of caveats. Once the 16 year old is 18 and goes to college , your then 8 year old gets that room? And during holidays the older teens share. And that in the meantime, perhaps for the 50% of the time that the other two aren't around, your six year old be able to hang out and have private time in one of their rooms as long as she cleans up after her (perhaps with your help?).
Those are my thoughts but keep in mind I don't actually know what your six year old's motivation is for so wanting her own room. I know your heartstrings as a mother are pulled on this. As a step mother I get it. However, in this case the teens really do need it much more and by the time they go to college, your other two will be 11 and 9. Perhaps if you explain to your 6 year old that the other two have had to wait until they are 13 and 16 to get their room, she will understand. Especially if you tell her it will swap around when she is only 8 or 11. It really wouldn't make sense once the 16 year old is in college, to have her room empty for 9 months of the year, so your 6 year old only waiting a couple more years seems quite reasonable. So that's another possibility. Just be open. Also try on a thinking technique where your 6 and 4 year old are your blood children and they are 13 and 16 - reverse it all and see how you would feel then?
Hope this helps. It's not easy my dear. Oh boy. It's not easy.
Zahra
Mamato4
I
hear you.It can be difficult when you
and your spouse do not see eye-to-eye, and sometimes these parenting
differences can be even greater in a blended family.Ultimately, there isn’t one right answer; it’s
going to be your judgment call how to divide the bedrooms among the children in
a way that is the most fair to everyone.I encourage you to continue to talk about this with your husband
privately during a calm time so you can try to come to an agreement.Debbie Pincus outlines some additional tips
in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/when-parents-disagree-10-ways-to-parent-as-a-team/.Please be sure to write back and let us know
how things are going for you and your family.Take care.
@KWood
Hi there, I can certainly hear your frustration with your
current situation. I can’t speak to your relationship with your wife, but as
far as your stepdaughter goes, she is an adult, and at this point, you are not
required to provide anything, including basic needs. What you do choose to
provide is a privilege, and it is not unreasonable to have expectations that
she help out with chores, work or go to school, or even pay a small amount of
rent or contribute to household expenses. We often suggest making a living
agreement with your adult child, and Megan Devine has a great article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/
about how to do it, which also includes a printable living agreement for you to
use. Ultimately, you are in control of what you do or do not pay for. Best of
luck as you continue to work through this.
I'm feeling slightly frustrated with my step daughter who is 10, my husband has had custodial custody of her since she was 3 and the mom was absent for awhile and before my husband and I met he was with another women who didn't treat very nicely. Any who her and I bonded the first week we met and I built a very healthy relationship with her and her mother because I felt like was one of the most important things to do. I constantly communicate with her mom and her and the mom wants her to be with her for one week and with us for one week however my step daughter does not want to at all. Most of the time she doesn't even like going to her moms but I tell her she needs to spend a little time with her no matter what so every other weekend she goes from Friday to a Monday and when she come back to our homes she is beyond emotional and wants
all my attentions constantly. My husband and I now have a 5month old I know some of it might be she feels left out but I included her in everything and truthfully I love her as if she was mine and I care for as she was my blood but I want to pull my hair out when she comes back from her moms, how can I help her???
@Adrienne
I hear you.
It can be so difficult when a child comes back from staying with the other
parent, and is showing challenging behavior. As Debbie Pincus points out
in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-after-divorce-9-ways-to-parent-on-your-own-terms/, kids often have a hard
time transitioning between homes, so you are not alone in this situation.
Something that can be useful is to plan out some adjustment time with your
stepdaughter when she comes back from her mom’s house. For example, she
might unpack her bag, take care of laundry, shower, journal, or do other
activities to help her transition back to being with you and her dad.
Please be sure to check back and let us know how things are going.
@Bob01
I’m glad that you found our site, and are reaching out for
support.Parenting differences can be
quite common, and these differences can be more pronounced in a blended
family.Something that we often
recommend to parents in this situation is to talk privately during a calm time,
and try to https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-blended-family-wont-blend-help-part-i-how-you-and-your-spouse-can-get-on-the-same-page/.Sometimes, it can
be useful to involve a neutral third-party, such as a marriage/family
counselor, to help you find common ground and develop a plan to move
forward.For assistance finding these
and other supports in your community, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222.I realize how difficult this situation can
be, and I wish you all the best moving forward.Take care.
AJO34
I hear you.
It can be so tough when you feel as though you cannot enforce the rules of your
house. Something we often recommend is that the bio-parent takes the lead
in enforcing the house rules, while the stepparent takes on more of a
supportive role whenever possible. You might find more tips for this
situation in our article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/blended-family-the-5-secrets-of-effective-stepparenting. Blending families
is not an easy task, and I hope that you will write back and let us know how
things are going. Take care.
How do we go about my boyfriend not feeling guilty with living with me, our son and my youngest ( with another man) and not being able to live with his other son with another women, who up to a year ago still lived with him on a full time basis? Their relationship ended and his ex and son moved out. Since, we've reconnected ( we have a son) and been talking About living together and getting married until a few weeks ago, when he told me he felt guilty and uncomfortable with the situation that he will see my youngest more then his own son with his ex. Can I reassure him somehow; how can I help him through this and understand the difficulties of this situation? I would love if all 3 lived with us, but that isn't going to happen anytime soon.
Thank you in advance.
Jean1221
We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and
sharing your story. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become
more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can
give to you regarding your relationship with your boyfriend. It may be helpful
to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing your
particular issues. The 211 National Helpline is a referral service available 24
hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support
services available in your area such as counselors, support groups as well as
various other resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222
or by logging onto http://www.211.org/. We wish you the
best going forward. Take care.
In Need Of a
Hi there. I stumbled across your post and see myself in all of it. I have been with my husband for 4 years now. He has a 9 year old girl, me a 11 year old boy. I share 50/50 custody with my son's dad so we have him half the time. My step-daughter lives an hour away, so thankfully (sorry, but I'm thankful), she is with her mother during the school year and only visits us every other weekend. However, since my husband petitioned his ex for more parenting time, we now have her the entire summer as well. I feel like I barely made it out alive this summer. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. My stepdaughter is a pretty compliant kid. If I ask her to do something, she usually will do it without any issues. She has, however, started looking at me, THEN looking at her dad as if to say, "do I have to?" Super irritating. Thankfully, my hubby backs me up (most of the time). My stepdaughter is way behind both mentally and emotionally in everything. She just started 3rd grade and is at a 1st grade level. My son, not to compare kiddos, is a quick learner and pretty darn smart. I say this not to brag but because I am used to my own kid...I am used to how he behaves, reacts, his knowledge, his temperment, etc, as I should since I'm his mom. That being said, I do not know how to deal with my stepdaughter. I have been in her life since she was four, but more recently am finding that I have very little patience for her. A huge part of it, I know, is that we simply cannot afford to have her during the summer. I make way more than my spouse, and he already pays his ex $500 a month for support. In the summer, we continue to pay this AND the cost of summer care which costs about $1200 a month we simply do not have. We are having to take on 2 jobs each to pay expenses and get behind on bills because of it. I have come to resent my stepdaughter because of the situation having her has put us in. I don't know how to let the feelings go and my husband and I fight about it. We have even talked about going our separate ways, not because we want to, but because it is the easy way out.
In Need Of a
Thank you for
writing in. I can hear how unhappy you are with your current living
situation, and I’m glad that you are reaching out for support. Sometimes,
it can be difficult to bond with a child, simply due to differences in
personality and temperament, and it sounds like there are additional factors at
play, such as your relationships with each of his biological parents. As
suggested in our article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/blended-family-the-5-secrets-of-effective-stepparenting/, try to find something
positive about your stepson, and understand that building a relationship takes
time. In addition, sometimes it can be helpful to involve other supports,
such as a marriage/family counselor or support group, to help you move forward.
For information about available resources in your community, try contacting the
http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222. I
recognize how difficult this situation must be for you, and I wish you and your
family all the best. Take care.
@Desperate72614
I hear what a tough situation this is for you, and I
appreciate your reaching out for assistance. Something that I often
recommend to parents in similar circumstances is to focus more on your son and
his behavior, rather than trying to make him feel a certain way about either
his father or your boyfriend. Regardless of https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-blended-family-wont-blend-part-ii-what-to-do-when-your-stepkids-disrespect-you/, he is responsible for his own behavior and
choices. The truth is, he doesn’t have to like your boyfriend or dislike his
father in order to follow the rules of your house. I’m glad to see that
you are working with local supports to help you with your son, such as
therapists and doctors, and I encourage you to continue doing so. In the
end, the choice of whether to have your son live with his father or stay with
you is yours. Sometimes, it can be helpful to work with a neutral
third-party, such as a marriage/family therapist with experience working with
blended families, to help you explore your options and develop a plan moving
forward. For assistance locating supports in your community, try
contacting the http://www.211.org/ at
1-800-273-6222. Take care.
I am extremely distressed as the partner to a father of two 14 (boy) and 17 year old girl . I hAve two daughters 18 and 15. My girls live with us full time his two half time .
The trouble is we disagree on discipline and fairness . I feel kids should help and earn things he feels differently about his .
The latest arguement occurred when he brought home a big bag of free cosmetics from a supplier giving them all to his daughter none to me or my girls . I feel so hurt by this thinking he could have shared it ... He is now buying his daughter a car and even though my daughter is older and has a job he feels it's ok as she is his biological child ... If feel we should work in the best interest of all the kids and work together .
Please help
@Distraught mother
It is common for parents to
disagree or not be on the same page when it comes to discipline and fairness.
It typically becomes even more challenging in blended family situations. If
your partner does not agree with you on these issues it is not about convincing
him to change his mind and agree with you, but instead focus on your children
when it comes to these topics. Your husband should be the primary decision
maker with his children and you with yours. James Lehman talks more about this
in his article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-blended-family-wont-blend-help-part-i-how-you-and-your-spouse-can-get-on-the-same-page/ We appreciate you writing in and wish you and your family
the best as you continue to work through this. Take care.
Situation: Mother of two left husband due to being abused by him. They seeked shelter for almost 2 years. She has a son aged 9 and a daughter aged 5. She had a interdict against him, but now back on her feat. he still harresses her. The court has give him permission to have his kids every 2nd weekend. He refuses to settle their divorce. He has moved on by having another child with a younger woman, who have a daughter from her previous relationship. Her daughter is 8. Their Baby is a few months old.
Problem: the unofficial step mother buys clothes/toys for her daughter and the baby whilst the father's other 2 children visit them and does not included them in the treats. The 5year daughter now has extreme anger burst outs by screaming at her mother and hitting of screaming at her brother of 9.
How does this mother deal with this??
Sonja W
After a divorce or
separation, many families experience conflict in the way issues are addressed
in the different households, and it’s not uncommon for kids to act out
inappropriately in one parent’s home as a reaction to something experienced in
the other parent’s home. Overall, though, it tends to be more effective
to focus on the behavior that is happening in your home, because you can’t
really control what happens when your children are with their father, or the
way that their stepmother treats them, as long as they are not being abused or
neglected. You might find some more helpful information in our articles, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-dos-and-donts-of-divorce-for-parents/ and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-after-divorce-9-ways-to-parent-on-your-own-terms/. Please let us know
if you have any additional questions.
My wife has 2 kids from a previous marriage and I have 2 from a previous marriage, plus 1 together (5 total). I have to issues that I would like to get feedback.
She is always wanting to sign her kids up with multiple activities at a time, while I have asked her to limit it to 1 activity per season. With this many kids and my kids living 2hrs away, our lives would be chaotic to manage (it's already crazy). She doesn't listen and says that she will do what's best for her kids and sign them up with as many activities as she wants to. Earlier this year, we literally had a child activity (all of her kids) every single weekend (sometimes multiple times the same day..all day long) from Jan - March. Not to mention the multiple practices throughout the week.
The next issue and most recent is, I just found out that she decided, along with her ex, to give her 10yr old (soon to be 11) daughter an iPhone for her birthday. She told me this after he already purchased the phone and has it ready to give to her for her birthday (in 2 weeks). My wife came from a blended family and has always insisted that we do things equally for all of our kids. My daughter is 11 and is in the same grade as her 10yr old. What sent me over the edge is that my wife never came to me to ask me for my opinion on what age would be appropriate for the kids in our household. She just decided with her ex to give her a phone, without consulting with me about the impact this would have with my daughter wanting one. My daughter already feels that my step-daughter is spoiled and gets anything she wants (which is partially true...my wife does constantly favor her), and if she finds out that she is getting a phone and I won't allow her to get one, it will send her over the edge.
We have had many arguments over this recently and it's only getting worse. She feels that the decision is between her and her ex. But since our kids already have iPods/iPads, are always around someone who has a phone, and she has always stated we should do things fair and equitable between kids, she is basically is ignoring my wishes to NOT allow our kids to have a phone.
I am trying to get an apt to see a counselor, but it will probably be after her birthday party. I do not want my daughter to know she has a phone and I already told my wife I don't want that thing brought to our house. She says she is getting it and that's the bottom line.
Help!
@blended family
Most families
struggle with these issues of how much leisure time versus activities should a
child have, or what age is appropriate to get a phone. These parenting
differences can become even more pronounced in blended families, so you are not
alone. It is going to be important to talk with your wife privately
during a calm time to try to find common ground and compromise between
you. It can sometimes be helpful to involve a neutral third-party, such
as a counselor, to help you both get on the same page, and I’m glad to see that
you are reaching out to these supports in your community. In the
meantime, you might find some useful tips in our article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-blended-family-wont-blend-help-part-i-how-you-and-your-spouse-can-get-on-the-same-page/. I recognize how frustrating this must be for you, and
I hope you will check in and let us know how things are going for you and your
family. Take care.
amarsh114
It sounds like you are facing a
challenging situation. I see your point that you want to face this as a family,
however, it ultimately is up to their father how he wants to proceed with this.
He is the one who should be making the final decisions with how he wants
to handle situations like this with his sons. He is probably also trying to
work through this so that their mother is feeling comfortable as well,
something he needs to do to co-parent effectively. I know this is not ideal for
you, but I would support your husband’s decision and try not to take it
personally. I know this is not an easy position for either of you to be
in. We wish you and your family the best as you continue to work through this.
Take care.
@Seeking Advice
It can be difficult when your child does not get along well
with your partner. It sounds like you are using many of the strategies we
recommend, such as being the primary disciplinarian while allowing your
boyfriend to build a relationship with her, and keeping open communication with
her. In the end, the way that your daughter feels about your boyfriend
and your relationship is really up to her, and she may prefer the period when
you were living with your parents. This does not mean that she is allowed
to be disrespectful or not follow the rules, though. What you can control
is making sure that you have clear expectations for her behavior, and holding
her accountable for her actions. Thank you for writing in; please be sure
to let us know if you have any additional questions.
mrrobertsonmrs10
We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and
sharing your story. I hear how much conflict you are experiencing with your
husband regarding the amount of time he is spending with each set of his
children. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become
more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can
give regarding your marriage. It may be helpful to look into local resources to
help you develop a plan for addressing these issues. The http://www.211.org/ is a referral service
available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the
types of support services available in your area such as marriage/family
counselors, support groups as well as various other resources. You can reach
the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging onto http://www.211.org/. We wish you the best going forward.
Take care.
Helpmomof4
I hear how conflicted you are about what to do in your
current situation. Because we are a website aimed at helping people
become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we
can give in regard to your marriage. It may be helpful to look into local
resources to help you develop a plan for addressing your particular issues. The
211 National Helpline is a referral service available 24 hours a day,
nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services
available in your area such as marriage/family counselors, legal assistance,
support groups as well as various other resources. You can reach the Helpline
by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging onto http://www.211.org/.
We wish you the best going forward. Take care.
I'm having a huge, stressful and crazy issue. My husband and I have been married for 2 years. My step son is 9 and I now have a son with my husband who is 1. My husbands ex went to federal prison for drug trafficking. She's in a half way house now and is done being incarcerated in August. While she was in prison her son told us he did not want to talk to her, long story short we respected his decision and blocked her number from calling us. In May she served us with papers and took my step son from our home because it was "her day" according to 5 year old orders. We went to court and tried to fight because my step son said he was scared to death of his mother and it all turned out to be a huge lie, he never was scared and lied to us up until this point. I'm personally afraid for my life, my family's life, and my step son when she's around us or has my step son in her care. I constantly have knowers in my stomach and am terrified. I've had people sitting outside my house watching my family and following us around. HELP. She's now trying to show him court info and persuade him to live with her when he turns 14. He has awful night terrors and nervous ticks. Every time he comes home he's stressed from being at his moms house. I need clarity, help, an ear, some advice , SOMETHING!
Sincerely,
a freaked out parent
A freaked out mother
I hear how concerned you are for your stepson, yourself, and
your family right now, and I’m glad that you are reaching out for
support. If you are not already doing so, I encourage you to continue to
consult with a family lawyer for your legal options at this point. You
might inquire about your concerns regarding the people following you and your
family as well. It could also be helpful to find some support for your
stepson and your whole family to process all that has happened in the past few
months, such as a family counselor with experience working with blended
families and/or formerly incarcerated parents. If you need assistance
locating resources in your community, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222. Thank you
for sharing your experiences, and I wish you and your family all the best
moving forward. Take care.
JamieMo
Blending two families can result in some tough challenges
and it’s not unusual for families to face struggles when figuring out how to
get along. I am sorry you and your wife have separated. It’s normal to feel
hurt and confused during times like this. I’m glad you have reached out to a
counselor for support through this difficult time. Hopefully, s/he will be able
to help you work through those feelings and find a way through this ordeal.
Best of luck to you and your family moving forward. Be sure to check back and
let us know how things are going. Take care.
Been Married to my Wife for 5 years. We are both 58 years old and have kids and grandchildren. My 19 year old son lives with us, has a great relationship with my wife, all 4 of my grown Married Daughters adore my wife. Their kids call my wife Grandma, 4 of the 5 grandkids were born after we were together. It's her kids I have a problem with. One of her sons, mid 30's, is total jerk. Never visits us, (they are all less then an hour away,), if she wants to see her grandkids, she has to go up their. One of her sons is "cordial" to me, has visited us may be 3 times in the over 5 we have been together. The other son is a jerk. Never comes down, treats his Mother horribly, never gives me the time of day if I see him, His now 13 year old son likes me, has stayed with us several times, wants to spend part of the summer with us. I feel its long over due, her kids have never met mine, and I have pretty much no relationship with hers. I know it hurts her, What do I do to help remedy This.
Thanks,
Sal
Sal D
I am so sorry to hear that your wife’s adult children
haven’t made much effort to meet your children or spend time with you as a
family. It’s understandable you would want to help your wife with an issue that
seems to cause her distress. No one likes to see someone they love suffer.
Unfortunately, there may not be much you can do to remedy the situation other
than to continue offering her support when it seems like she is having a
difficult time. Because your stepsons are adults, they get to determine how
much, or how little, time they spend with their mom or with you. The positive
side is that your children seem to have welcomed your wife with open arms and
have really strived to make her a part of the family. I wish there was more I
could offer you here. I do wish you and your wife the best of luck moving
forward. Take care.
Been together for 10 years married 3, I have 4 kids my husband has none. He just left me because he can't deal with my kids, he says they don't love him. He wants nothing to do with them. He tired of always coming 2nd. I feel stuck cause I love my husband and my kids.
Can someone please give me advice
@Rosa
What a tough situation. I am so sorry you and your husband
have separated. It’s understandable you would feel torn between your husband
and your children. It might be helpful to talk with a marriage or family
counselor about what is going on in your family. Many people in your situation
have found working with a neutral third party to be beneficial. It could be
helpful for you, even if your husband isn’t willing to go. The 211 Helpline
would be able to give you information on counseling services in your area. You
can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by going
online to http://www.211.org/. We wish you the best of
luck moving forward. Take care.
I'm a single mother of 2 special needs kids (I stay home to care for them) I moved in with my boyfriend which has 2 kids (full custody) and now we are a huge blended desaster. None of our kids are happy, I'm definitely not happy and it just needs to end ASAP
Everything was great in the beginning. I watched and cared for his kids as my own. Took them to fun places, ran errands with me, got up and fed them breakfast as he slept in (he works FT) as mentioned I stay home FT (I worked from home) I washed all laundry (and paid for it...coin operated) even bought all additional household needs which adds up to a ton with 6 people under one roof...even foot the food expense. He has it made here, not a worry in the world. All he's to do is pay the rent. I prepare all meals and keep his castle shinning. Turns out he has a gabbling addiction and has put us in complete debt. I gave him a few 2nd chances and he continued to gamble. Ive gotten to the point that I had to sacrifice my (in home job) due to the stress that he's caused and as much as I hate to admit it I have emotionally detached myself from his children too..(I know none of this is their fault) but I don't see a future with us. I've lost trust in him and do not at all feel secure in this relationship. I told him that I'm no longer watching his kids while he works and that id like him to leave. He manipulates me into believing that I'm going to cause him and his kids to be homeless because he's going to lose his job if I don't continue watching them. I've set a time frame for him to leave and we both agreed that at the beginning of this month he would...but he has not. A part of me feels very resentful, I had enough on my plate to begin with raising 2 of my own special needs kids but then I opend up my home and life to you and poured my heart and soul into raising your kids and all I feel is used, manipulated and taken for granted. Im physically/emotionally exhausted in this relationship and my kids and his kids are suffering the most while he continues on like its no big deal.
I have adult children and have been remarried for 4 years now. I was single for 20 years before I remarried. My husband does well with my two "boys" who live in another state and only visit once in a while. However, he has done a great job of ruining his relationship with my son who lives here. Consequently, I feel he is also ruining our relationship. This son has twice had to move back home for a time due to school, then a health issue and divorce. My son has ALWAYS been respectful to my husband, even when my husband is being a complete disrespectful jerk. It finally escalated into my husband assaulting my son a few months ago. My son is out of the home now, and won't even come over to see me if my husband is home. Can't blame him! Even when I mention something about my son, my husband's cockles get fired up, and he can barely keep his mouth shut. He comes from a terrible family, parents and siblings. They are amazingly dysfunctional and often just mean and rude. My husband never had the support of nurturing parents, and so I believe he has no clue what that should be and is incensed at the relationship I have with my sons.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my husband is forcing me into choosing between him and my son. My son does not have a similar expectation. I am in a terrible situation. I have a chronic illness that keeps me at home a lot, and I feel gets worse at times due to the stress of my volatile husband.
I agree with you. I grew up in a blended family and I was not allowed to disrespect my step parent - period.
If I did, I was quickly dealt with.
Isnt it funny how the trend is to try to bargain with children instead of laying down the law. We have more
children on medications and going to therapy now than 30 years ago. Juvenile crime is increasing as well.
There are no real consequences for rude, disrespectful, and undisciplined children. Many of the worst acting
kids are spoiled rotten and their parents are to blame.
I have been in a relationship for 4 years, living with my partner for 2 years. We are a blended family. I have a 7 year old daughter who was 1 when I separated from her father. He has an 8 year old son he adopted with his ex-wife when the child was 2 years old and they separated when he was 3 years old. The kids have known each other since they were 2 & 3 but we did not begin dating for a year after that.
Originally I did not have any issues with what I consider to be my step son (we are not married) but recently the last 3-5 months have been very difficult. He is mad at me and keeps asking his father when he will go back and marry his mother. Making comments about how everything was great until I came in. He used to be very loving and sweet and now has developed this anger. The only change I can consider is his age and the fact that his father was promoted and working more. I have had to take on a more authoritative role.
I know that our unmarried status can cause confusion for the children but I am not prepared for his anger. It seems so hostile at times. I don't know what we are supposed to do. My partner does reinforce that he is supposed to listen to me and respect me but at this time is so distracted by work that we are having increased difficulties. I don't know what else to do to ease this transition. Any advice or thoughts are appreciated.
ehefree
Blending families can be a challenge, regardless of how old
the children are, and I can understand the confusion around the sudden change
in behavior of your stepson. You and your partner should have a conversation
with your stepson, reinforcing the family rules about how you treat people in
your home, with an emphasis on no verbal abuse (name calling, swearing,
hurtful, mean statements directed towards someone). Ideally, the biological
parent should take the lead in this conversation, with you providing a strong
back-up support, showing your stepson that you are a united front. Let your
stepson know there will be consequences if he crosses the line into verbal
abuse. We would also suggest having a conversation with him about what he can
do when he is angry or upset, instead of taking his emotions out on you. For
your part, it will be important http://www.empoweringparents.com/do-you-personalize-your-childs-behavior-when-he-disobeys-you.php. Chances are good that his attacks
are not about you, but about his lack of skills to deal with a problem or
feelings in a more appropriate way. You might acknowledge when your stepson is
upset and then disengage, to help prevent a power struggle. For example, when
he makes comments about how things used to be before you joined the family, you
could say, “I’m sorry you feel that way”, and turn and walk away, taking the
power and attention with you. I hope this is helpful and wish you and your
family the best of luck as you continue to work on this with your stepson.
I have been married for 2 years not. I have a 9 year old son and his father is not in his life at all (by choice). My husband and I are having an issue now because he feels I show too much affection too my son. Maybe 1 time out the week my son would forget to clean the table off or brush his teeth before bed. This would happen maybe once or twice a month. Since I am home most of the time with my son so I do emphasize his chores. He always complies and even when my husband tells him to do something he does it with no issue and no disrespect. I feel my husband has resentment towards my son. I established a boundary that my marriage comes first but my son is still in the nurturing stage and effection is my primary language. I show it to my son and my husband. I do not disrespect my husband but if I do not agree with something I tell him behind close doors. I am tired of playing the mediator between the both of them. My son comes to me and ask me for everything and to do everything. My husband does not take the initiative to spend time with him but expects him to do everything he says. I am just so tired and I feel my husband is trying to play his role as a step parent out of pity, he always critiquesmy parenting never tells me what I do right only what I do wrong and he is trying to run our home like the military or how he was raised. I need help!
Thank you
@Gods Child
Parenting differences occur in almost every family, and
these differences are frequently emphasized in a blended family. I’m glad
to hear that you bring up your differences with your husband behind closed
doors, and I encourage you to continue to do so. Something that might be
helpful is to talk privately during a calm time to try to http://www.empoweringparents.com/My-Blended-Family-Wont-Blend-Help-Part1-How-to-get-on-the-same-page-with-your-spouse.php as you approach parenting your son. If you are having
difficulty agreeing on expectations, it can be useful to consult with a neutral
third party, such as a marriage and family counselor with experience with
blended families, to help you both get on the same page moving forward.
For help finding resources in your area, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222. I realize
how challenging this situation can be, and I appreciate your writing in.
Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
I recently re-located to be with my boyfriend. We both decided that we were ready to blend our families. I have an adult daughter who doesn't live at home and a 15 year old son. He has a 12 year old son whom he has full custody. The mother is non-existent, unless he makes contact. She has other children, all of whom she has lost custody. My step son has no boundaries. He was failing all of his classes. My boyfriend is inconsistent with parenting and I think he has given up. He has spoken to his son about being disrespectful towards me and he has tried to establish boundaries with the mother as well. My step son wants me to do everything for him and he is under me all the time. However, when I challenge him to do his homework or clean his room, I am constantly reminded that I am not his mother. I do not tolerate disrespect from my own children. I explained to him that I will limit my interaction with him until he is able to show more respect. recently, he spent the weekend with his mother. While there, he texted his father all day. At midnight, we received a message that he had been dropped off at a neighbor's house since 2PM because him mom had to "work". My boyfriend yell and screamed and was extremely upset. He even snapped at me because I didn't agree with him allowing my step son to go over there in the first place. He said he wanted to teach him a lesson and that maybe he would learn to appreciate us more. I said so the only way to teach him that is to leave him in the care of someone who has already lost custody of 3 children? When he finally spoke to the mother, there was no yelling, no sarcasm, nothing! He didn't even seem upset. He didn't even challenge her on why she left our son with a stranger. I feel unappreciated and that there are no boundaries. I absolutely love my boyfriend and stepson, but I'm not sure how much more of this I can take!
Confused Mama
Confused Mama
The process of blending families together is rarely an easy
one, as it involves not only combining your kids under one roof, but also working
to come together on co-parenting with your partner. We speak with many
people who are frustrated because they are http://www.empoweringparents.com/My-Blended-Family-Wont-Blend-Help-Part1-How-to-get-on-the-same-page-with-your-spouse.php as their partner when it comes to boundaries, rules and
enforcing those consistently. I also want to point out that it is pretty
normal for most kids your stepson’s age to lack gratitude for what they have,
especially when it comes to appreciating things like rules and structure.
You are not alone. It could be useful to talk with your boyfriend during
a private, calm time about a few basic house rules that everyone is expected to
follow, such as “No name calling”, “No yelling”, “Do tasks the first time you
are told”, and so on. It could also be useful to http://www.empoweringparents.com/Why-the-Word-No-Sets-off-a-Child-with-Oppositional-Defiant-Disorder.php in order to avoid power struggles, so that your stepson is
being held accountable to following the routine, and knows what to expect at
certain times of the day. We recommend that the biological parent take
the lead in enforcing house rules with their child, so that the stepparent can
focus more on building a relationship with the non-biological child in the
house. It could also be wise to come up with a plan for your stepson to
follow the next time he visits his mother if he is left alone, or in a
potentially unsafe situation again. I hope that this gives you a good
starting point to begin working together as a family. Please be sure to
write back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
I purchased a house with my boyfriend of 2 yrs. We have lived there for a year now. My adult son (24) lives with us. This is a huge house for us. My son has a room with a bath in it and is rarely home when we are home. My boyfriend constantly criticizes my son from his hair, to his choice of foods, his work schedule, etc... Nothing is good enough. He even criticizes my son's girlfriend. I found a letter on my computer that my son printed to my boyfriend telling him what he thinks about all the criticizing. I am heartbroken. I know that he rides him when I am around but evidently he is doing it when I am not there even harder. I can find an apartment for my son and pay for it but my dilemma is that some day I will want to spend time with him and he will always feel not welcome. I know in my heart that my boyfriend means well but he is way too critical and focused on what he thinks things should be instead of being open minded to the fact that others may not follow his path.
This is what I found. I can't talk to anyone about this issue. I have no where to turn.
Bill,
I will try and set something up with the Camaro so I
can figure out how close I am. People kept moving the block of wood last year.
I am sure you know, but the bench was not there last
year, and the Camaro has been out two weeks. I didn’t hear once in those two
weeks that I was parked too close.
Tired
of it? I am too.
I am tired of walking as quietly as possible and being
afraid that I’ll wake someone and never hear the end of it. Heck, even walking
around during the day can get remarks, as if I walk loudly to upset you. I’ve
walked like that for a long time, I have messed up legs, and it hurts less to
walk like that.
I am tired of backhanded comments about how lazy or
stupid or weak I am. I didn’t wait to shovel because I was lazy, I just worked
ALL night and figured “If it is done before mother gets home, good.”
Or the time I shoveled more than half after coming home from work, I just
wanted mom to be able to get to work. Not to get some comment how I am a lazy
piece of crap.
Now, while working 60 hours a week, I am sure I will mow too late once and
never hear the end of what a lazy person I am.
How
many times have I done dishes, then realized there were still some at your
chair, and said nothing? How many times have I had a terrible time trying to
pull in/out because the truck is parked weirdly, and said nothing?
How many times do I clean mounds of salt and pepper from the island or other
counter tops?
How many times do I trip over your shoes? Whether in the garage or back when
they were in the kitchen?
I started buying my own food so I wouldn’t hear complaining.
I started doing dishes before YOU got home so I didn’t heart complaining.
I don’t make proper meals at night so I won’t risk waking you up, but I still
hear complaining…
I don’t shower mornings before work, so I don’t wake anyone.
I cut my hair off, just so I wouldn’t deal with rude comments anymore.
I got a second job, because I was so lazy working 20-30 hours a week off season
and 40+ on season…
I show respect to you when you insult me by playing it
off, I respect your rules… Just a whole lot of respect for someone who shows me
none.
So you are mad about how I park? It is justified, I
should have considered how close I was. I am boiling over mad a lot of the
time, but hopefully I can make my lazy, worthless, piece of crap existence more
bearable and accommodating for the next year I live here.
Sincerely,
@SQLMOM
It’s a very difficult position to be in when you feel caught
in between two people you love and care about. I also understand wanting
to address the conflict between your boyfriend and your son. Since you
are all adults, it could be useful to have a private conversation with your
boyfriend to come to an agreement on what the expectations are for your son in
the next year he will be living with you, and what you are both willing to let
go. Once you have agreed on what you want to enforce, it could be useful
to sit down with your son, and create http://www.empoweringparents.com/parenting-living-adult-children.php which outlines what all of you can expect from one another
while you are sharing this living space. If you are having a hard time
finding common ground between the three of you, it could be useful to include a
neutral party, such as a counselor or mediator, to help you find a workable
solution. For assistance locating this type of service, try contacting
the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222. I
recognize that this is a challenging time for you, and I wish you all the best
as you continue to move forward. Take care.
My husband and i have been married for almost a year. It is the second marriage for both of us. He has two children, a 14 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. I have a 6 year old daughter. We both divorced about four years ago so we were single about three years before re-marriage. My daughter has adjusted wonderfully to our blended family. She is fun-loving and full of personality and she adores my husband. His children, on the other hand, are both challenged in their own ways.
The 5 year old follows my daughter CONSTANTLY. My husband says, well he is the little brother, it is his job to be annoying. But then my daughter gets in trouble for being bossy - telling him to leave her alone or go away. Double standard? The five year old starts kindergarten next fall and still cannot remember the sounds that the letters of the alphabet makes. I work with him on a daily basis. He looks at you like he doens't understand what you say half the time, I have to tell him things four and five times before he listens - he still sleeps with his mom when he is with her. She is in a relationship with another woman. The kids have NO IDEA. I try to give him kisses and love on him - he pushes me away - doesn't want it, but he kisses his dad's arm and leg, and says i love you daddy every night 10 times like his is two.
His daughter, for the first 6
months we were married, insisted on sitting by him ALL the time, wanted him to
pick her up on occassion, wanted to hold his hand when i was, threw crying
hysterical fits 'you don't love me' - it was awful. anything we did
with her dad, she despised and cried about. She called him Daddy, he had to
tuck her in. She doesn't hang out with any friends from school, isn't very
social, not very confident, etc. I talked with her a few months ago and kind of
called her out on it telling her that she had no idea the hurt and pain she was
causing her dad when she said 'you don't love me' - she finally admitted to
doing it all for his attention. I told her that we talk about things like
adults in this house. If she has a problem, she needs to write it down or come
and discuss it. We don't throw fits. I had been telling my husband that i knew
that's what it was but he would NEVER confront her - it was ridiculous so i did
it myself. And now it
is that she doesn't know what to ever say to me, so she is mute when she is
around me - i feel like i walk on eggshells in my own house. Unless her dad is
around, she is moping around, on her cell phone, doing nothing. And you can
forget helping me with laundry, cleaning, washing dishes, lol - but if she
finds something she wants from PINK Victoria Secret she finds a way to mention
it to me.
I am madly
in love with my husband but i am having a really hard time with his kids. This
is so much harder than i ever thought it would be.
I started living with my partner about 3 months ago after two years dating. I already have 2 sons. Every evening we sit down with coffee and briefly talk about what happened that day. He keeps his irritations towards the kids inside, I do all the parenting, and talk about this.
We do absolutely not want him to be the step father coming home for dinner, correcting the boys and after dinner off they go to bed.