How serious is too serious when it comes to teen relationships? I’ve had to ask myself this question a few times over the past few years. Truth be told, it makes me more than a little uncomfortable when my kids want to spend all of their waking moments with their current “like interest” (I have never been able to use the term “love interest” when referring to the other kids my kids were dating). After talking with hundreds of other parents of teens as an Empowering Parents parent coach, I know I’m in good company. Many parents struggle with knowing what limits to set with how much time they should allow their child to spend with their boyfriend/girlfriend and what they can do if they think their child is in a relationship that’s too serious.
My son started “dating” when he was 13. Dating at this age meant eating lunch together at school, going to the community dances, and posting on Facebook that you’re “in a relationship.” He and his “girlfriend” would buy each other red carnations during the Valentine’s Day fundraiser at school. At this point, I wasn’t worried. Still, by the time he was 15, his relationships were lasting longer and he seemed to be getting more serious. How did I know? He started to buy “serious” gifts, like roses and heart–shaped lockets. He started asking me to take him to the mall so he could buy a one month anniversary gift. While part of me found it to be a sweet gesture, another part of me worried he was getting too serious at his age. Being that he is my firstborn, I was at a loss as to what, if anything, I should do. I thought about forbidding him from dating, but knew it was probably a little late for that. Besides, “forbidding” a child from doing anything often doesn’t result in compliance; more often results in secretive, rebellious behavior. The “wait, watch and see” approach is the one I opted for in the end.
Related content: “I Don’t Like My Teen’s Girlfriend — What Should I Do?”
I did implement some limits as to where, when and how long he and his girlfriend-of-the-moment could spend time together. I opted for situations where there was going to be supervision: our house when I was home, the girlfriend’s house when a parent was going to be home, chaperoned dances and other public outings. How much time depended upon whether or not other expectations were being met, such as not being behind with household responsibilities or work in school. If there was missing schoolwork or chores were starting to suffer, I limited the time they would get to spend with each other until these responsibilities were fulfilled consistently once again.
Related: Does your child have toxic friends? 6 ways to deal with “the wrong crowd.”
As for allowing my son to buy gifts for what I considered to be “temporary” relationships, I let him buy what he wanted, as long as he had the money for it. There were discussions around a gift being a gift, with no strings attached; buying something for someone you really like and care about didn’t mean they would like or care about you more, nor did it mean they would “owe” you anything in return. A couple of times he got his feelings hurt when he bought an expensive gift ($30 dollar necklace) for a one-month or six-month anniversary and then was broken up with shortly after. I offered him empathy and a listening ear. Even though I wanted to take the pain away, solace was all I could really offer him. As hard as it was to see him sad and heartbroken, I knew he was learning an important life lesson, and skills for dealing with future heartache. Unfortunately, none of us are immune from that.
Adolescent relationships, with their giddy, head-over-heels bliss and forlorn heartache, help us to learn how to deal with the ups and downs that are an inherent part of any relationship. As parents, we recognize the fleeting quality of an adolescent relationship and know that as much as our child tries to convince us he/she is “in love,” chances are the relationship isn’t going to last more than a few months at most. Finding a balance between supervising activities, while still allowing for a sort of emotional exploration, is a good approach to dealing with adolescent dating.
So, how serious is too serious? I guess that depends upon your perspective and your personal belief system. Ultimately, you decide what you are and are not comfortable with as far your son or daughter dating.
**EDITOR’S NOTE** This article is intended to address teen dating relationships in general. If you are concerned that your son or daughter may be involved in a relationship that is abusive or violent, we encourage you to contact your local domestic violence project, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(799-7233), to find out your options to help your child to stay safe.
Related content:
Parenting Teens: Parental Authority vs. Peer Pressure
About Denise Rowden, Parent Coach
Denise Rowden is a parent of two adult children and has been a parenting coach since 2010. She has worked in Special Education, Alternative Education and adolescent group homes. She has a BS in Psychology from the University of Southern Maine and is currently working on her Life Coach certification from the International Coach Federation.
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Thank you for reaching out. I can understand your concern. We hear from many parents who have shared similar stories of not liking their child's boyfriend or girlfriend. There may not be much you can do other than let the relationship run it's course. Most teen relationships aren't really long lived and forbidding the relationship can set up a "Romeo and Juliet" type of romanticized scenario. You can limit the time they spend together and even encourage them to spend tome together at your home, which will allow you to supervise them. Hopefully, once she graduates high school, the relationship will fizzle out on it's own.
WE appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Take care.
Hi, Tammy. Thank you for reaching out. There really is no set amount of time for this sort of thing. It depends on whether or not other expectations are being met and, so some extent, your comfort level. It sounds like you're having them spend time together at your house so you can supervise. That's really a good limit to put in place if you have these types of concerns. How much overall time they spend together really is a judgment call.
We appreciate you being part of the Empowering Parents community and wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.
I'm at a bit of a loss. My 14 year old is a super sharp girl. She's been the top of her class and is very talented and driven. She's also intensely private and personal and quiet. She's been in a relationship for going on a year now and I'm alarmed at how intense they are. I finally (with her permission) read through their texts and it's shaken me. They're talking of marriage. The messages were coy but I think they've engaged in oral sex and dry humping. He keeps asking her to video chat naked. He takes no for an answer just fine, but then asks again later. The crazy thing is we thought that they'd been supervised. These things are going on when his parent runs to the store for an errand or (I think) under a picnic blanket. They talk of sneaking out in the night or into each other's house to "sleep together."
Help!? What to do? What are proper limits for this age? I think step one is we can't let them be alone without someone being able to see them. I've had multiple conversations about limits with her, but I'm wondering if I need to talk to his parents or him? Any other ideas?
@Concerned
What a tough situation to be in as a
parent. I wish I could give you a definite yes or no answer to your question.
That’s a decision only you can make. There are a few things you might consider
before making that decision, though. First, it’s been my experience that when
parents “forbid” their child from seeing someone, it tends to make their child
want to see this person all the more. Another thing to keep in mind is that relationships
at this age rarely are long lived. If they do get back together, it may not
last long. You can also put limits around things like how much time he can
spend at her house, how much driving you’re willing to do or whether or not he
can use the car to drive to her house. Your son sounds like a responsible young
man. He does well in school, is involved in sports, and, most importantly, he
told you about what happened at the party when he could have kept that information to himself. All of that
points to him being able to make pretty decent decisions. I know this is a hard choice. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
Rosa78
I understand where you’re coming from. It can be worrisome to
see these types of behavior changes. I can hear your concern around what this
may mean for future relationships. It may help to know that as frustrating as
her behavior is, it is normal. This is all new to her and she hasn’t yet
developed relationship parameters; best way for her to figure out what her
limits and boundaries are within a relationship is by having a relationship. I
know it can be hard to just stand back and let her make these choices. If she’s
open to having conversations about what’s going on, then I would continue to
talk to her about what you’re observing. I would refrain from offering
unsolicited advice, though. Instead, ask her if she would like to hear your
thoughts on the matter. If she doesn’t seem open to conversations right now,
let her know you love her and are there for her whenever she needs to talk. Hang
in there. Things will get better.
At least everyone here are talking about underage teenagers. My 18-year-old daughter only started dating a couple months ago, and I'm feeling really helpless. Would LOVE advice!
She's recently found this 23-year-old guy who is telling her that in a few months he'd like her to move in with him. I don't think he knows that we WERE planning to move across the country in the next 2 years! My husband is severely ill. Neither one of them have shown their "ill" sides to each other; then again, they both seem immature for their ages. This guy has schizophrenia, but lives with roommates (not a group home). My daughter has bipolar. I would assume he understand what she's going through, but apparently he drinks, too! In fact, he got my daughter DRUNK this past weekend! What could I do other than voice my concern? I did tell her that we could not afford to get her out of jail if she gets arrested. Problem is, she's 18, so I don't know what to do.
If we weren't in this shape, I'd probably let her go, let her explore and see if she comes back home. But we aren't in a place to be able to do this. So she literally is standing in the way of our moving. We are desperately trying to come up with the money to get my husband home. We were planning on selling everything we have just to do that! Our life savings has already been used up on her illness. And frustratingly, I was relying on her help in taking care of him. This guy she's interested in lives out of town with no car. (If she decides to go with him, I'm not going to offer her a car. If she makes this poor decision, I'm not going to enable her.)
I've given thought to fighting for guardianship, but that would pretty much just prevent her from getting married, Other than that, there's nothing I know of that I can really do now, except offer this advice: If you've been reluctant to let your 15 or 16 year old date, let her. This gives you time to weigh-in on their strengths and weaknesses, so by the time their "of age" they have a better sense of this. Wish me luck, and if you have any advice, PLEASE feel to let me know.
JW66
I’m so sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing
with both your daughter and your husband’s illness.I’m glad that you are here reaching out for
support.One of the things we often talk
about when it comes to parenting an adult child is that your role changes from
managing their life to focusing more on yourself and your own boundaries.It sounds like you have already started doing
that by letting her know what response she can expect from you if she makes
certain choices.I also recognize how
much you are depending on your daughter when it comes to caring for your
husband.One option for you might be
contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222
for information on services available in your community, such as home health
care, respite services and support groups. I recognize how difficult this must be for
you, and I wish you and your family all the best as you continue to move
forward.Take care.
My 13 year old daughter thinks I am too protective since I want to meet the guy she wants to go to the movies with. He is from another high school, don't know how old he is, she's never met him except via text through a friend at school.
Her mother (my ex) thinks I am thinking the worst. I think I am thinking the probabilities. Anyway, my daughter claims she hates me for wanting to meet him. She says I'll embarrass her, but I just don't feel comfortable with the situation or the precedent it sets.
I really don't think they should be in the movie together without a chaperone, even though her girlfriend is there. If its this bad now......
I was 13 once too you know!