If you listen to the news or read the paper, you know that more and more kids are living at home for longer periods of time. We often hear from parents of adult children who want to know how they can set guidelines down with their older kids, and when they should ask them to leave.
If you’re the parent of an adult child who is living at home you are probably trying to figure out what your role is and what rules your child needs to adhere to while living in your home — because after all, your kid is grown up now and that changes things. You may be wondering when or if you should ask them to leave.
I can’t help but think about my father as I write this. He grew up in Italy, and around the age of 17 he came home one day to find his bags packed. He was told by his parents that he needed to leave and that a train ticket had been purchased for him. He would arrive, he was told, at a destination where he could find employment.
For me, it is sobering to discover that the reality for him was that those decisions were made for him by his parents. Back in those days, the whole affair transpired more like a business transaction than a sending off. I gather that my grandparents held the belief that their job was finished, and that it was time for my father to lead his own life. That was the way it had to be — no discussion. I also think it’s fair to say that in no way did it make them uncomfortable to approach my dad’s coming of age that way. Their view was that life was tough for them and now it was going to be tough for my dad — and they didn’t feel compelled to soften or lessen that message. I hope I can have half as much resolve and strength when it comes time for my kids to make that transition. I definitely would like to deliver that same message of “Hey, it’s time to make it on your own,” although certainly in a different way!
Most of the parents I talk to in this situation are extremely afraid for their kids. As a result, some of them accept abuse and other inappropriate behaviors in exchange for the relief they experience as a result of knowing that their kids are safe and have a roof over their heads. Just remember, there is no excuse for abuse — from younger or older kids. And in the end it won’t help your child take on life and all of its challenges. In addition, the longer parents are trapped in that situation, the more hostility mounts between the parents and the child — until everybody may be feeling like they never want to see or talk to one another ever again! I say “trapped” because many parents feel compelled by obligation to get their child on their own two feet, even in the face of destructive and abusive behavior. Yet, most parents in that situation are tired of living that way. And the child may desperately want to be independent, but probably doesn’t have the skills to live on his or her own.
It’s especially hard for the parents of acting out teens because they lack the security of feeling confident about their child’s ability to thrive in the world. Sometimes these parents will ask the question “How do I save my child?” followed by “Or do I even save them?” James Lehman’s article series on living with an adult child offers such great insight on how to make the situation work for everyone. James encourages parents to view their adult child as a guest in their home and to express that openly with your child. When you do that, you send this message: “You’ve had 18 years to learn how to make it on your own. Now’s the time to put it into practice.”
Please share your experiences about what it was like when your teenager or young adult left home or what it’s like trying to get your child to leave home. Does anybody have words of encouragement for parents that are struggling with their own fears and concerns? If you’ve asked your child to leave home, what helped you to decide that it was time?
About Tina Wakefield
As a parent coach, Tina Wakefield coached parents on techniques from the Total Transformation, as well as Empowering Parents' other programs, for over 8 years. Tina is also a mother and stepmother.
Comments (67)
You must log in to leave a comment. Don't have an account? Create one for free!
Connect with us
Like What You're Reading?
Sign up for our newsletter and get immediate access to a FREE eBook, 5 Ways to Fix Disrespectful Behavior Now
We will not share your information with anyone. Terms of Use
×
I am sorry you are going through this with your adult son. I can understand your frustration and can assure you that once your son turned 18, he was an adult and you were no longer responsible for providing for him. With that said, your situation is a bit outside the scope of what we are able to offer coaching or advice on due to your son’s age I encourage you to see what types of support services are available in your area. If you live in the US or Canada, the 211 National Helpline is a referral service available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services available in your area such as counselors, therapists, support groups/kinship services as well as various other resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging onto 211.org (211.ca in Canada.)
We wish you and your family all the best moving forward. Take care.
PT 1 - FED UP
I'm in a different situation; I WANT my son to leave! He is nearly 18 and I feel 80% ready for him to leave. I've raised him mostly alone and commmited to it even though it meant sacrificing a lot. It was worth it, but that stage of nurturing has passed and he's a pre-young adult.
I've had to grieve the loss of the dependent child and being together a lot. I accept he doesn't need me to the level he once did, though he does still need my help at times and it means we're both preparing to do our own thing which is strange at first, but normal!
This past year he's gotten more independent, working and driving, it helps with maturity plus gives me more time and energy and kind of have parts of my old life back!
We discussed him wanting more freedom and I gave it, but I gave a bit too much, lol! I had to pull back control as I realised I was getting so resentful and hating his behaviour; it was abysmal.
Once I could admit it was largely my parenting style; I tried to tweak the errors on my part. It was hard putting in boundaries, but I did it and it calmed things down, as he was slacking off in things like basic house care and self care.
BUT now I am just plain tired. Tired of setting boundaries and asking for completion of things or home help. He's capable of doing more but isn't proactive; not without a big reward or a big threat to motivate him. It's so draining.
I know I'm only ever talking about chores and shouldn't need to ask for simple things to be done 5 times! I have to change my attitude and expectations in dealing with it. But also there are his choices and his consequences.
I'm at the point I'm not prepared to take his attitude or demeanour. I'm tired of him blaming me, not taking respsonsibility and acting like his life is so hard.
As you can probably tell by the tone of this message I'm over it. I don't often enjoy our time together and I don't bother initiating much, as he moans so much. I don't have the energy to keep adjusting myself, trying to be positive or encouraging, when he doesn't deserve it OR I simply don't mean it.
It can be hard to relax when he's home and there are other things I want to do without having someone in my space. Especially who doesn't respect the house is a SHARED home. He is so resistant to helping out that I can't be bothered asking anymore.
It's time for both of us to have space, lots of it.
PT 2
I'm not worried at all about him in the 'real world'; I've prepared him where I can, with regular life skills - like cooking, laundry, banking, car maintenance, job advice.
But the rest he will be learning the hard way; he even said that himself recently - that I don't need to hold his hand, for that very reason. He knows enough to earn income and lots of friends he can lean on. Not many family members but enough.
I told him I'm tired of the resistant reluctance... and I really really am. I don't need to put up with it and it's not helping him mature.
I feel it's almost time for him to go and it will suit us both. I spent enough years living with people I don't like and trying to fit what they need and want, so my tolerance level is very low.
It may sound harsh but I'm not prepared to do that again from here on, even if he's my son, we're also people. And he soon reaches the age where he's technically an adult.
This certainly doesn't apply to every situation or family, but I think it will be best for ours. I'm exhausted and unhappy. He's unhappy too. My ability has run out!
Welcome to Empowering Parents. I can understand your frustration and concern. The transition from minor child to adult can be a challenging one for both parents and older teens. We hear from many parents of adult children experiencing similar issues. We have a few articles (including a free living agreement) that you may find helpful here:
https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/ages-and-stages/adult-children/
We are not able to answer questions regarding legal matters. I encourage you to speak with a legal professional about what your options are as they would be more familiar with the laws in your area.
We appreciate you reaching out. Take care.
Sought out this article because I feel guilty. In 2 weeks my (new) wife and I are moving to an apartment, leaving my twin daughters (20) to fend for themselves in the home of my late wife.
My wife of 25 years died of cancer in 2013. It wasn't a particularly loving marriage; my wife ran the house and raised our daughters. Having little say so in the relationship, I maintained a low profile in the basement. I would emerge only to work or perform whatever task kept me out of hot water. Most of those tasks consisted of chauffeuring the girls to and from their various appointments.
The minute I was informed of my wife passing I immediately knew I had a problem on my hands. I understood that my years of "going along to get along" rendered me ineffective as a parent. To make matters worse I developed sciatica just prior to my wife passing.
To make matters worse still, my eldest daughter committed suicide several months after my wife died. So I'm left with 2 17 yr. olds and a 13 yr old. At first it wasn't so bad. The twins took the money they received from insurance (approximately $60,000 each) and went away to college. I got a therapist for the youngest daughter, put her money away in a trust fund, and proceeded to raise her as best I could. Fortunately, physical therapy got rid of the sciatica. I thought things were going well.
The thought the youngest daughter and I got on quite well. I knew she had difficulties coping with losing her mother and big sister, but she seemed to be in relatively good spirits. She was even invited to accompany a group of students on a week long trip to Europe. It was even nicer to receive occasional visits from the twins, though I later learned those visits weren't particularly helpful.
Fast forward 2 years and the twins money is gone. It's my fault because I didn't sign paperwork authorizing student loans. So the twins return home bitter, angry and verbal. They complain about me not supporting them in college. They complain that the youngest daughter's needs aren't being met. They begin cursing me and trying to provoke me to hit them. In short, the nightmare I anticipated had arrived. I think worst of all, for them, was bringing another woman into their mother's house. I began dating again in 2014 and remarried in 2016.
So, now I have company in the basement while my daughters take control of the rest of the house. Making far less than my late wife, I couldn't afford the house we shared for over 25 years, but I sought to hold onto it as long as I could for my daughters. I was delaying the inevitable.
When I got a call from the high school that the youngest had verbalized committing suicide I knew my household was not a healthy environment for her. As she had already expressed not wanting to move with me anywhere, I began making arrangements to have my wife's neice assume custody... a whole different nightmare. But the twins, now 20, seem quite content to remain here to frequently remind me of what a terrible father I am. After one particularly nasty episode of doors slamming and tongue lashing, my wife and I decided it best to leave.
Despite all this, I feel guilty because I have doubts about how the twins will survive. Sure, they have close relatives from their mom's side of the family but I don't know what assistance will be available to them. I told them last year I intended to move and reminded them several weeks ago. They've made no effort to find suitable living arrangements. I know I've done the best I could, but I can't help feeling bad about leaving them.
Google
Here is a great Weblog You may Find Interesting that we encourage you to visit.
My son is 27, this past september. He carried on with an online sexual relationship for almost 8 months, on our home. We asked him to move out or stop...he moved out, found out she was still married, after months, returned home...he had started drinking, she was doing pain meds legally, smoking, and drinking. She was 48. .. months later they move in together again, as we refused disrepect, and online relationship in our home. He was paying 100$ a month towards utilities. My son at 17 went through the system for a burglary charge at 17...his friend left him Adderall when leaving for the army ..key was moved so my son broke in the window,.the rest is .history.(Drug related friendship)
So by 1 year on parole, my son cleaned up....4 years doing well..then this...she is unstable. We did not agree with the skyping....the age differences, lies...now he is respecting the boundaries. Why is he with a basically 50 year old woman?..she has 2 sons in their early 20 s. We have told him it is unnatural. She had 5 online sexual relationships before my son. He says we all make mistakes and loves her. She wants to marry him. He is our only child...granted adult child.. ï am sad for him, I sense fully she is immature, both have extreme sexual abuse in childhood..what can you say to help me...with acceptance, boundaries, ..I am angry, but have it under control. I feel she is a full force predator. My son went through 7 rehabs by 20 years old, addictions, as well as going through the final rehab...treatment, D.O.C
My youngest daughter is 17 but turns 18 in Dec. Her Mom and I are going thru a divorce and is working out great for all. As the Dad I was told I was the problem in our marriage from my daughter. It's been a year of separation and found out the problems are between my wife and my daughter.
Since Christmas this has occurred with daughter:
- pot found in dau car on school grounds
- spended for rest of year but able to finish 11th grade thru on-line courses
- she is so far being with the online classes she may be doing summer school
- gone from home, no one knew, sheriff office called in. Next day made joke about her phone not charging
- Her Mom took her car away until she gets caught up with classes
- today I found out she is at a friends house but hasn't returned txt or calls
Right or wrong, I'm wanting to prepare her move out of the house when she is 18. I will drop her txt and Internet abilities on her phone. I will ensure she has the ability to call especially for emergency.
I've always told my kids if going to school u are welcome at home but it can be a party pad. I offer to help with their first month rent and deposit (1 time) only if they are leaving on a happy note. If not, they are on their own.
I know there's no magic parenting book. I'm open for any suggestions, complaints, ideas. This is my first post..bare with me. Thanks for taking time to read my post.
Normaltown
You’re right. Kids don’t come with instruction books. Things
would be so much easier if they did. As it is, it can be challenging to know
what steps to take when you have a child who acts out and doesn’t meet even
basic expectations like completing school work or coming home when she’s
supposed to. From what you have written, it sounds like your daughter has been
trying to blame you and/or her mother for the choices she has been making.
Truth be told, your daughter really is the only one responsible for her
choices. As parents, you can help her develop necessary skills and give her the
tools and opportunities to be successful. What she does with those things
really are up to her. It seems as though you have clear rules and boundaries
around what your children need to do to continue receiving support from you
once they turn 18. That will definitely be a benefit when your daughter does
finally become an adult. Until that time, I would encourage you and her mom to
have well defined parameters for expected behavior with specific consequences
if those parameters are not respected. You might even consider developing a
written living agreement, as discussed in the article Ground Rules for Living with an Adult Child (plus Free Living Agreement). Even though your daughter is not yet an adult, this may give
you an idea of what types of rules you would like to put in place while she is
still living in your home. We appreciate you writing in and sharing your story.
Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
wendysdunn
Parenting adult children does offer some unique challenges. This is
especially true when there are mental health issues present. One thing I think
is important to keep in mind is how our role changes when our children become
adults. All of your children are adults and allowing them to continue living in
yourMore home is a choice you make. Once your child turns 18, any support you offer
is a privilege. This is true regardless of any underlying issue that may
be present. It may be of benefit to look into available community supports, such
as assisted living placements, job coaches, or family support groups. Many
communities have housing and job support for people with physical disabilities
or mental health disorders. The 211 Helpline, a nationwide health and human
services referral resource, would be able to give you information on available
community services. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling
1-800-273-6222 or by logging onto http://www.211.org/.
They may also be able to offer information on financial services that may be
able to help you figure out what steps you can take regarding the car payment
and your credit. I appreciate you reaching out to Empowering Parents for what
sounds like a truly challenging situation. Good luck to you and your family
moving forward. Take care.
AnotherMother
I want to print out your post as well...it's like you are writing down everything I have been going through and thinking. I have a 19 year old son that has become very disrespectful not mention selfish with 2 babies that have been in my place for months. I am the bad person but yet he will not leave. Not trying hard enough to find a job just completely stopped doing that and does not have a high school diploma. Reading your post AnotherMother along with this article has really opened my eyes to what I need to do and that is live my own life. Thank you so much for posting.
To desperate mom: It’s very difficult as a parent to watch your child make destructive decisions with his life when you know that you have raised him with different values. It is completely understandable that you would feel overwhelmed and exhausted after dealing with this escalating behavior over the last 6 years. James Lehman reminds us that anything we give our kids once they become adults is a privilege, including living at home. We support you in asking him to leave your home since he is engaging in destructive and illegal activities, and we understand that this is a highly emotional decision for many parents. We recommend trying to look at this situation with your son in an objective way, and what we find can help is imagining how you would handle this if it were someone other than your son doing these things. How would you handle another employee who did not come in to work on time, if at all? What would your response be if a neighbor came into your home and stole cash or personal checks? We encourage you to let your son experience the natural consequences of his actions, because ultimately these are his choices. You cannot control what your son does; you can control how you respond. I am including links to some other articles you might find helpful as you continue to work through this difficult situation. We wish you the best; we know this isn’t easy. My Child Is Using Drugs or Drinking Alcohol—What Should I Do?
Is It Time to Call the Police on Your Child? Assaultive Behavior, Verbal or Physical Abuse, Drugs and Crime
Hi Our daughter is almost 26. She was a handful from 14. Handful is a polite way of describing her. Foul mouthed, answer for everything, trouble at school, drinking, all the things you associate with acting up teens. We went to a counseller to see if that would help. In the end she turned 18 we found a room in a persons house who were short of cash and we paid the rent on a room for her. It was painful to do but a relief too. After that she got a job and her own bedsit. Lived like a slob but that was up to her. Our relationship was better. She could do what she liked and then deal with the consequences. When she was 19 she moved in with her boyfriend. They also did a bit of travelling in Europe and worked and played hard in the summer at different music festivals. We live in uk.
The boyfriend was finishing his degree. When they split up she was heartbroken and came home for a few months. Not very enjoyable to be honest! She has had quite a few jobs over the years in fashion retail and at 21 decided to do a degree in london. She got onto the best degree in the world for her subject,Fashion management we were sooo proud of her. We have no money so she was given a government loan and bursary but we still helped out with the cost of transport and the deopsit on a room in a flat. Anyway to cut a long story short she has now jacked in the degree four years later! Should only have taken 3 years but she has had to redo two years because the lecturers and course were crap, not her on no always someone elses fault as usual !!(£30.000 in debt government loan not a lot to show for it) However this summer we again had to practice tough love even though she is 25!.....
She decided to give up the room in London for the summer and basically travel, go to festivals and sleep at friends houses.(we didnt know at this point that uni was over!) We didnt think this was a good idea but its her life! We are festival caterers so the summer is totally full on for us. She did a few shifts with us and a few barshifts to tide her over, just. In September she was at ours and had been for a couple of weeks. She was getting mouthy and taking things for granted, not doing her dishes, loosing her key... we pointed out that she was 25 and we didnt expect her to act like that her reply was that she was only 25!!! Any way in the end we said if you dont like living here why are you? Then we went a step further and said she could stay for 3 weeks to sort out her return to london (not to take advantage and party) then in future we would love to see her but for no longer than a week at a time because we couldnt get on for longer.
Well she didnt stay for 3 weeks to sort out her return to london! She didnt talk to us for about a month but we are friends on facebook so I always know where she is! She stayed in her grannys vacant house for 10 days and i saw her briefly, she said she needed some time to get over the situation! I wish i had said "YOU need time what about US!!" but |I wasnt quick enough. She is in love and has decided to move in with her boyfriend in Leeds (city up north from us).She came around the other day to collect some bits and peaces and we got a hug - she had a stinking cold and was feeling sorry for herself! plus which we are off to Asia for 3 months over xmas and shant see her so maybe it was a genuine hug! she is still abit frosty but she is happy to get a house and move in with her fella. If shes happy than what more can i ask!?
She has always had a chip on her shoulder about us moving her out back at the beginning and that she no longer had a bedroom at home. She has been gone for almost 8 years Im sure shell get over it but time will sort it and i think until she has her own family she wont understand. Hope that helps!
Hi,
I do not like my 23 year old son's girlfriend. He has been with her for 6 years. Although they both work and make good money, they both live at home. In my heart I feel she is not the right person for my son, he has gone from a fun loving individual to dull and boring, just like her. She's stiff and moody and not many people like her. I just can't see why he stays with her. He was always popular and a great athlete, everyone likes him. He deserves better, but can't seem to see it. He knows the way his dad, his older sister and I feel, but doesn't seem to value our opinion. I can't believe that this girl will probably some day be the mother of my grandchildren. Ugh.......Help, I am making myself sick over this.
Hello Everyone!
Read through all the coments made, found some parents are more aware of the problems of adult children failing to launch. Some of You start to address this matter from children age 17.
We have a 35 year old who just wont budge. When I first met my wife she had bothe kids living with her age 27 daughter and 29 year old son.
Unfortunately what was presented to me was a lie, I was told they lived with her but were self suficient (paid their own expenses) the truth was her ex husband still gave her support money for the kids even though he had left home 10 years ago. Six years have gone by and sure enough the daughter found a job, went to live with the boyfriend, married for one year then boomeranged back home. Again out of the house and earning well. The son, however, never left and is now 35. Refuses to get a menial job because he has a degree in journalism. Doesn't write
I am the stressed parent of a 19 year old young woman. Living with her has been a lot like riding a roller coaster for the past two years. She is attending a local university as a commuter student. Her grades are excellent, and she holds down a job to cover her gas costs.
Our issues are strictly related to the home environment. When she opted to live at home, we told her that she was no longer a child, but was an adult guest in our home. While we would help her with school, we expected her to assist with responsibilities at home and to abide by certain behavior guidelines that reflected our family values with respect to the fact that there are younger children living in the home.
We agreed on certain chores in return for room and board, and we told her that we expected the respect of knowing her plans and what time she expected to be home at night. We expressed that there would be times that we expected an earlier return due to our work schedules and need for sleep, and that if her plans changed she needed to advise us so that we would not worry. We did not want underage drinking. We did not want overnight guests without our okay, and we did not want overnight guests of the opposite sex unless we were hosting a late night party for several young people with prior approval.
Our daughter follows our requests for a period of time. Then she backslides, and we revisit the guidelines. There is always tremendous drama and the proverbial "I am an adult and I should be able to do what I want when I want. I am trapped here by you, and you shouldn't be controlling me. I am a good student and I deserve to make my own decisions and come home or not come home as I want." We fight about this for a few days, it settles down for a few weeks, then it starts again.
In May we had a huge explosion, and she left home. She called about 48 hours later wanting to return, and we sat down and told her she could come back with conditions. No more ranting and raving at us. Same guidelines apply. She was to see a physician for evaluation and take steps to get counseling. (We have a history of mental health issues, and many of her arguments/demands seemed irrational.) She agreed to our terms, and we welcomed her home.
Things went well for a month. For the past two weeks, she has been backsliding again. Last evening she refused to tell us when she would be home, and we told her to not be too late. She came home around 2am. We confronted her, and got the same response as previously noted. We told her it was time to leave. We let her stay the night, and she is supposed to leave this morning. I don't know where she will go or how she will manage, and it scares me to death. But we can't keep doing this over and over again either. It's not good for anyone. I guess my biggest struggle has been with setting these guidelines for a young adult. Are we expecting too much? It is very hard to be in this situation.
Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part I
Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part II: In Response to Questions about Older Children Living at Home
Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part III: Is It Ever Too Late to Set up a Living Agreement?
I hope this helps. Good luck as you work through this difficult issue. Take care.
I have a 20 year old son who went off to college this fall on a full athletic scholarship. Got arrested thrown off the team and is now home. He has been verbally threatening to me has stolen small amounts of money and is engaged in off and on drug use. He was recently diagnosed with depression and an attachment disorder(he was adopted as an older child) Hes bright and talented was a star in both in high school but the son I had seems to have gotten lost someplace. We have had to start to treat him as if he were 12 refuse to pay for his cell phone ect. Lately he has just been taking off at various hours and then showing up 12 - 18 hours later just wasted. He has threatened to punch me in the face one to many times. We feel like we have to ask him to go but its also clear he has some severe mental health issues. He refuses to get treatment .
Time to let him go? We are so scared as to what will happen to him
You people are obviously NOT into history. You see, history tends to REPEAT itself. It used to be that way back in the Stone Age, families stuck together in order to SURVIVE. A son would marry a girl and bring her to live with his parents. The dwelling was enlarged, and things were added on to. This type of co-habitation lasted for THOUSANDS of years, beginning to decline in the later half of the 17th century. That is NOT to say that certain individuals never left home, many did, but the norm was to take over your parents home once they passed away.
In Roman times, housing became very expensive and children tended to live with their parents out of sheer necessity. This trend is RETURNING now, despite the fact that people these days prefer a quiet, personal space type of house to live in. If you own your home, I am not encouraging you to keep an adult child that quite clearly sponges and mooches off of your kindness, but do keep in mind that in times gone by, living at home was the NORM.
“My Blended Family Won’t Blend—Help!” Part I
“My Blended Family Won’t Blend!” Part II
Differences in Parenting? How Your Child May Be Using it Against You
My husband and I married in May last year. When we married it was just us and my 13 year old son living together, and while we had our “moments” for the most part we were doing great as a blended family. My husband is on a disability pension and I work.
In October last year my husband’s 20 year old son and his wife moved in with us “to get on their feet”, and I was an advocate of this. His son (who was raised by his mother) had not finished high school, had been in and out of jobs – either because he got mad about something and quit, or because he was fired – and he and his new wife were couch surfing from house to house with no place of their own. I wanted to help give them a chance at life.
The plan was that his son would get his GED, find work, and that they would save money to establish their own place. It has nearly been six months, and he finally got his GED done last week. The whole time they have lived with us, his son has worked 6 days, at the end of which he quit because he got mad at a co-worker.
In addition to not working outside of the home, they have also not worked inside the home. Sure, there is the very odd time where they have cooked a dinner (usually because they don’t like the healthy meals I prepare), and the odd occasion they have done dishes, cleaned their room etc, but really in the overall scheme of things, they do nothing. They stay up all night playing games, sleep all day, hole up in their room from the time I come home til the time I go to bed, we barely speak to each other when we do see each other (partly my fault because I have nothing to say to them that they are going to like), when they have had food stamps, or some small amounts of money come through their hands, they use it to take off to friend’s places for the weekend rather than contribute to the house.
Now I am all for tough love – I also have a 19 year old daughter and had to apply a lot of tough love principles with her when she was 17, and as a result she moved out, and has become a very independent, responsible young lady – I’m proud of her! So, it is no skin off my nose to lay down my rules in my house with my step-kids. It doesn’t bother me one bit whether they leave the house today or not just because they don’t like it. In fact, I want them to move out, because I don’t believe that it is going to get any better.
My problem is that my husband does not agree with the tough love principle when it comes to his kids. He has all kinds of excuses and guilty reasoning for their behavior. While he does not like what they do, and actually gets depression about it all, he believes that they are adults and that we cannot tell them what to do. He also is afraid of them leaving home. This has caused terrible strain on our marriage as my husband now believes that I am the one with the problem because I get angry with the status quo and want it dealt with. On the other hand, he does apply the “tough love” principle to my own son with the reasoning that he is 13 years old and not an adult. When I try and broach the issue of double standards and not being consistent with the rules and display of respect required, then I’m told that I’m comparing “apples with oranges”. It has gotten so bad between my husband and I that he has mentioned divorce on a number of occasions – rather than dealing with the problem of his children.
I never wanted to be the wicked step-mother, but it looks like I am going to have to stand up against the WHOLE house, including my husband on this issue even to the point of losing my marriage, a prospect I find quite daunting. But for me, I rather not feel like a stranger with no voice, or control, in my own home, than live like this. I also don’t want my son raised with double standards.
I’d love to hear if anyone else has dealt with a similar “step” situation, and how you handled it.
Failure to Launch, Part 1: Why So Many Adult Kids Still Live with Their Parents
Failure to Launch, Part 2: How Adult Children Work the "Parent System"
Failure to Launch, Part 3: Six Steps to Help Your Adult Child Move Out
Good luck to you and your daughter as you continue to work through this.
Failure to Launch, Part 1: Why So Many Adult Kids Still Live with Their Parents
Failure to Launch, Part 2: How Adult Children Work the "Parent System"
Failure to Launch, Part 3: Six Steps to Help Your Adult Child Move Out
A Message from Janet Lehman: Does Parenting Feel Like a Thankless Job? (Then Read This.)
Good luck to you and your son as you continue to work through this.
Hey there,
I am living with a 17 year old daughter who reminds me that in 3 months 1 week and 1 day she'll be 18 and she can do whatever she wants.
I say that is absolutely true, she can do whatever she wants, but not in my house. I share with her that while she has this idea that her 18th birthday is her independence day, it is also mine!
While she hasn't broken any of the house rules, she seems to think that when she is 18, there is nothing more I can say about anything. On the contrary, I share with her, the rules will suddenly change. When you are 17 and break the rules, I can ground you and take things away. BUT...when you are 18 and decide to be free, I can pack up your stuff and set it outside. Now...while I really don't want to do this and want compliance, I have to be ready to follow through. THAT is the tough part.
I find this article extremely interesting. At 17, I bought my first place just a few weeks after graduating from high school. Notice I said "I"? My parents co-signed the note, but I did it on my own. I never returned to my parent's home no matter how tough it was.
I married at 21 and started my own family at 24.
Now I'm a single father of 3. My oldest is 18 and although she has not been in a whole lot of trouble outside the home (apart from extremely poor performance in school), she has been rotten at home for years. I've had enough. IF she is still living in my home at high school graduation in May 2012, it will be a miracle for her.
I look around and watch in horror at how my friends coddle their kids (some until they are well into their 20s) and I cannot understand what these parents think they are doing to help their kids. Do they seriously think their kids are ever going to learn how to stand on their own two feet if they "keep" them?
That's how I see it. Children today are "kept" not raised. As a society each generation has gotten progressively more focused on instant gratification and thus, spoiled the next generation. Kids are being taught that "as long as I feel good, we're 'tight'". So they learn to buy themselves happy. Wake up America!
Dear Lola, My heart breaks when I read that you are housing not one, but two grown adults that are mutually disrespecting not to mention taking complete advantage of what appears to be persons whom love and care very much.
And not to add to your feeling less productive in your rearing of "adult kids", I will say , "YES" "Enabling", you are. I'm terribly sorry! But, I feel you really already know this, otherwise you would not have not included it in your statement.
My son is 28 and living with me all the while attending a Methadone clinic every AM and I might add he's very punctual at a early AM of 0430-0630 AM. "BUT, it's helping him to get off the other stuff!" OK! What!? Whatever!
My 24 year old son is in jail as we speak. He was in a intensive program to improve his life through rehab. NOPE! Didn't work! Not the programs fault. NOT MY FAULT! Although, we are so clever at finding ways to conjoin what's happening to them is some how connected to us?
Somewhere...along the way..we found a way to become guilty in our actions and what we do or what we did with our children.
The bottom line is..That time has passed and we are done raising them. Grizzly bears will bite and rip away at the young bears trying to get food from thier mother. They CHASE them off! Young birds learn to fly and fetch for themselves and leave the nest. Wild nature is sooo much kinder. I feel we have allowed a toxic society of BRAT KIDS to prevail.
After the heart break of my kids and questioning whether I was a good enough parent?I raised my two boys by myself. Held down two jobs and went to school. Became a Firefighter/Paramedic and YES..My kids at times raised themselves. I'm not proud. BUT...I'm now 51 and YA know....If they want to hold a grudge...they hadfood on the table and the BEST of everything. I LOVE THEM. But...I have my own life and they NEED THEIRS!!!! LOVE TO ALL!
Hello. Your site is very helpful. Thanks.
We have an adult son (32)who has made some bad choices. Late high school and college, he began drinking excessively. When he completed college, he had a difficult time holding jobs, drank more, and ended up in alcohol rehab (which we paid for.)
When he left rehab, he moved back home (has a written behavioral contract) and we helped him with some of his bills. He was able to land a great job.
He is now sliding somwhat again. We had imposed a curfew of 1:00 to keep him off the streets. Gradually, he began coming home later and later. Now, he spends some weekend nights out and comes and goes as he pleases during those times.
Are we being unreasonable? We are trying to get him on his feet again. But he now seems to be taking advantage of the situation. Incidentally, he pays no rent.
Our 30 year old daughter also lives with us, works, and pays no rent. She is anticipating an engagement.
As I write this, I feel that we have really enabled our adult children! My abusive dad kicked me out of the home so early! As I look back, it probably was for the best. Though, at the time, it was so hurtful!
Thanks.
Lola
Dear MimitoBrendan:
If you want your son to live with you, it is reasonable that he should be allowed to come home as long as he is following the house rules and contributing to the household. Your family has gone through a lot of hardships lately and there must have been a lot of demands made on everyone. It can be really hard to give both your kids attention when there is one child that is very ill and needy. There’s nothing wrong with asking your son to help out but it’s probably too hard for a 17 year old to think only of others and not his own needs. And if he has been “the baby” as you say, he may not be used to a leadership role in the household and has felt overwhelmed or resentful. That doesn’t mean he should not be helping the family. Just acknowledge that it is stressful and can be difficult for him—just as it is for everyone in the family. We wish your family the best.
I have a 17 year old son. He decided two weeks ago that he wanted to move out. This was after I confronted him about something serious (I won't go into details). he got upset, walked out and I didn't see him again until a week ago. He texted me when he got to his girlfriend's house & said "I know you're going to be mad at me, but I am (girfriend's name) house. He said he's been wanting to leave for a while anyway. We had some family issues in the Spring of this year. My daughter (who is his older sister) was diagnosed with fungal meningitis and we almost lost her. He missed the last 2 months of school because of that, he took it very hard, they were best friends. She came home from the hospital at the end of Sept. She has no use of her legs, limited use of her arms. I know this has some to do with it, and she has an 18 mo. old son who he helped take care of while my husband & I worked. This is all we asked him to do, since he isn't in school nor does he have a job.
It breaks my heart my baby isn't living with us & his sister misses him terribly, but what do I do? He says he's going to come back, but I don't know if I should let him. Should I use tough love & tell him, you made your decision so stay? Or should I give him one more chance & consider this his "break" from all the stress we've been through this year? He's a pretty good kid for the most part, it's just that we have enough on us right now taking care of our daughter who is bedridden to taking care of her son & both working full-time.
My partner (Bob) and I (we are a gay couple) have lived together 12 years, and his 32-year old married daughter (and her large dog) moved in several months ago. She is going through a divorce, and we offered her a place to stay until she gets back onto her feet. She is employed (actually has a well-paid job).
We are trying to navigate the difficult path of taking care of ourselves and our relationship, and at the same time providing support for her. At one point we tried to make her comfortable by saying that our home was her home (Not a good idea!)
We soon ended up walking her dog, taking the dog to the vet etc, tidying up fafter her, moving her car out of the driveway so we could get our cars out, etc. Now we have decided to change tack. We are treating her as a guest in our house (rather than saying it is her home).
We are also trying to bring up the awkward topic of when it is she plans on leaving. We brought it up for the first time yesterday, and there has been a lot of tension in the house since. Can a 32 year old become a teenager? I told her, in as kind a way as I could, that we needed to know this.
I suggested that she might consider February or March as a deadline (she has been here two months). She can certainly find her own place between now and then. Hopefully I can set a more specific deadline (say end of Feb), and stick to it.
This is a great web site. Thanks you.
Dear Atwhatage:
You ask a great question, but there really isn’t a specific age that a child should move out of your house. It’s up to your family to decide what’s best for your child and you. Some families choose to continue to live together because the child respects the rights of the parent to set standards in the home--and follows those standards--the parent respects the child’s right to live as an independent adult, and the child shares in the cost and work of maintaining the home.
If you feel it’s time to discuss with your child his plans for moving toward becoming more self-sufficient and independent, there is some help on this web site. James Lehman has written a set of three articles on how to talk to older kids who are still living at home. These articles can be found by searching under ‘older children’ in the ‘Global Search’ box on Empowering Parents. They are entitled: ‘Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part I’; ‘Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part II: In Response to Questions about Older Children Living at Home’; and ‘Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part III: Is It Ever Too Late to Set up a Living Agreement?’
We wish your family the best. Let us know if we can answer any other questions.
Sunbeam79,
We see many parents welcoming back adult children to live at home with them temporarily. It can turn out to be a very stressful arrangement for everyone involved. You sound hesitant to voice your concerns or to talk about how the situation is affecting you. It sounds like it's important to you to support your partner in helping his son, yet you are finding it to be a source of conflict. You have to determine whether or not you are comfortable sharing with your partner what your experience has been with this issue. Those kinds of conversations can certainly be difficult! It might be helpful to know what you are trying to accomplish by having the conversation. Would it be to get support from your partner or would it be to see what might be helpful to your partner in dealing with his son, for instance. Ultimately, it is a personal decision. I will include some articles about older children who are living at home. They may give you some ideas about what the discussion could center around. I wish you well in figuring out what makes the most sense for you in approaching this dilemma.
http://www.empoweringparents.com/Rules-Boundaries-and-Older-Children.php
http://www.empoweringparents.com/Rules-Boundaries-and-Older-Children-Late-To-Set-Up-Living-Agreement.php
I am 48 with two children who have graduated from college, however; my daughter has moved back in with me in order to find a job. I am dating a man, whose 25 year old son lives with him. The son does not work, sleeps all day and is not living a productive lifestyle. He has not gone to college and does not know what to do with his life. This is a source of stress for me in this dating relationship. What should I do? I dare not comment on anything unless to offer support.
Thanks,
laomelai:
There is no question that when you have an adult child who also has a child, that can really complicate the whole situation—especially emotionally for you. I talk to a lot of grandparents who would do anything to ensure that their grandchild is being cared for properly. I don’t know how long you’ve been dealing with your daughter coming and going, but it sounds like you are ready to take this huge step of allowing her to take on more responsibility. You can still offer her support; it will just look different than your prior arrangement. Please let us know how it goes.
Tough Love:
I think this is such a great illustration of taking the risk as a parent that your child will be okay on their own. I would say that it’s probably extremely uncomfortable for both sides at first, but it sounds like in your situation it really paid off!! Perhaps your son was forced to make better choices because he wasn’t in the comfort of your home. I think it’s also important to note here that you still have a relationship with your son -- and it sounds like he enjoys sharing what success he’s having. Thanks for your comment.