Dear Coaches:
I am at my wit’s end. I have been trying to get my 19 year old son to get a job for months now. He says he’s trying, but I can’t be sure, as I am not home during the day to supervise him. I also just found out that he has been lying to me about finishing his high school diploma online. I try to motivate him to get a job, but he just doesn’t seem to care. He’s not a bad kid. I just find that I am starting to resent working so hard to put a roof over his head when he is doing nothing all day, and then lying to me about it. What can I do to make him care?
—Pulling My Hair Out
Dear “Pulling My Hair Out”:
It may be small comfort, but you are certainly not alone — we hear from so many parents in similar situations through parent coaching. You have worked hard to provide for your child, and expect him to take some responsibility for himself, and to care about becoming independent. But the truth is, most teens don’t think that way — they aren’t yet motivated by the same things adults are. As James Lehman said in his article on Motivating the Unmotivated Child, your teen is motivated — he’s just motivated to do what he wants, not what you want. If you think about it, why should your older child follow through with work or school? If he can live at home, be warm and fed, and have no adult responsibilities, why would he want to change that? With that ideal situation at home, there is no reason to face the challenges and anxieties of becoming an adult.
Instead of trying to get your child to care about work or school, you may have more success if you focus on the rules and expectations for him continuing to live in your home. Spend some time thinking about your expectations, and what the consequences will be for not following those expectations. Choose consequences you will adhere to — it will not be effective if you tell your child he can’t live in your home without a job and he is still there, jobless, 3 months later. Sit down with your teen and let him know what you expect; be clear and direct with your expectations, such as: “You have two weeks to find work; if you do not find work within those two weeks, I will find you a volunteer job. Either way, you need to be working — either volunteer or get for pay — 15 hours a week in order to continue to live here.” Remember, if there is no consequence for not following your expectations, your teen is unlikely to change his behaviors — it’s too easy and too comfortable where he is. Your consequences should make him uncomfortable enough to change his actions. Holding him accountable lets him learn the skills he needs to become an independent adult.
As James mentions in his 3 part series Rules, Boundaries, and Older Children, many teens lack the practical skills to assume adult responsibilities. Their anxieties about becoming independent may keep them from making an effort to find, or keep, a job. For many teens, putting up with mom or dad’s constant pressure is easier to handle than actually putting themselves out into the world. Rather than lecture your child about the benefits of working, focus on the skills your child will need to become a successful, independent adult. Use daily consequences and privileges to help your teen practice those skills.
Don’t assume your child knows what steps need to be taken — break it down with him: “Given that you have two weeks to find work, we need to come up with a daily schedule — you will need to get up in the morning, get the paper (or look online), and put in three applications a day. When I see evidence of those three applications when I get home in the evening, you can have your computer. If you have no evidence, you don’t get the computer, and you can try again the next day.” Breaking the larger task of finding a job into manageable, daily steps increases his practical knowledge, and it can help to keep both you and your child from coming up on the deadline with no effort made. Combining daily requirements and longer term goals can help your child successfully follow the rules in your home — and be on their way to independence. And, as James says — don’t hold your breath waiting for your teen to appreciate your efforts, or for him to suddenly want to work. These things come with age and with time. Keep your focus on tangible, practical skills and goals, use privileges your child values, and follow through with your consequences.
For more on helping your teen transition from child to independent adult,? be sure to check out the three part series Rules, Boundaries and Older Children.
About Megan Devine, LCPC
Megan Devine is a licensed clinical therapist, former Empowering Parents Parent Coach, speaker and writer. She is also the bonus-parent to a successfully launched young man. You can find more of her work at refugeingrief.com, where she advocates for new ways to live with grief.
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Hey, Ma'am,
I think I'm just like your son... I'm also 19 years old and still don't have a job. I also did nothing all day, and as a result my mom got sick of me. My mom also tried like you. Here I speak as a son. Maybe your son is just as confused as I am. he didn't know what to do. It's not that he doesn't care. it's possible that he's just pretending he doesn't care. In fact every night he probably thought of everything. *sorry for my English,
Most, if not all, of these comments here are missing one key aspect that if you would take a few moments makes sense. Stop forcing your child to be something you think they can be, especially the ones that are 17+. You are doing nothing but making your life harder and more difficult trying to change a person.
Every one of us has an idea, or an image of what we THINK our child should be or could be. That image almost never will align with how our child sees themselves or views where they are in life.
Start treating them like the adult they need to be, set boundaries (we all suck at this mostly), set rules and guidelines (they all seem harsh, and are hard to enforce with our kids because, love) and above all give them the runway to fail. You want them to fail, and fail a lot, as this will be the only way at this developmental stage they understand how to succeed.
Yes, there will be that ONE special child that is just motivated and learns from talking, and has the ability to see perspective...but why are you on this site if that is the case.
Understand our children learn based on there own single , narrow minded, hyper focused agenda...so force with actions directly or indirectly for that agenda to be either "I want out of this place, I cannot stand all these rules" or "I need this or that and I have no money or things because living here I do not get those.
zone65
It can be really difficult to feel like you are stuck, and
do not know how to make changes to move forward. It’s understandable that
you would be feeling overwhelmed right now. Something that can be helpful
is figuring out specific ways that your kids can start contributing to the
household. After all, there’s a difference between telling your kids,
“You have to help out more”, and “You need to pay $200 a month toward bills
starting on the first of next month.” You might also consider writing
down these guidelines in a http://www.empoweringparents.com/parenting-living-adult-children.php, so that you and your kids all know what the expectations
are. I realize how challenging this can be, and I hope you will let us
know if you have any additional questions. Take care.
I have a 19 yrs old son who just graduated high school. He had part time job and wet to college during high school .but after finished high school he does not want to go back to college,he quit his job because the boss wasn't fair on work scheduled. Now he is straying home play game all night and sleep all day. To day he told me he want to go out with a friend and want to stay over night .I don't like the ideal stay over .last week his dad told him he have 2 week to find himself a job or back to school if he can't get 1 he have to move out of the house. Yesterday he went to the mall to look for job but he got no job yet. last moth I got him a labor work job but he doesn't like it he wasn't even go for an interview.
What do I need to do to get him in the right direction.
pleas help.
worried mom.
IMO i think you did a wonderful job and shouldnt feel guilty about your actions. You as a human protected yourself from harm and danger, plus the results of your actions, your daughter is acting as an adult, independent and working a job, what you wanted for her. maybe shes might not be living according to your standards but she is living by her standards. And unfortunately mental health and drug choices are not within our control since she is considered an adult.
Parents seem to forget to take care of themselves and sacrifice their dreams, goals and happiness for themselves, but as our kids turn to adults and chose to live their lives, we are left with nothing unless we think about our futures too. Its hard i struggle with it too. good luck youre doing a great job.
To " Letypadialla": Thank you for writing in. It sounds like you are dealing with some challenging behaviors from your adult son. I am sorry you are going through this. Parenting adult children can offer some unique challenges, such as what, if any, limits and boundaries should be in place. Sometimes, that can be difficult to determine. One of the suggestions Debbie Pincus makes in her article Adult Children Living at Home?
How to Manage without Going Crazy is to ask yourself the question “What am I ultimately responsible for?” You're not responsible for your son's choices or his behavior, regardless of how you may have parented him when he was younger. We all make mistakes as parents and don't always parent as effectively as we would like to. You did the best you could with the tools you had. It's not going to be beneficial for either of you to continue feeling guilty for choices you made years ago. At this point, your son is an adult and what he decides to do with his life is ultimately up to him. Because he is an adult, any support you give him, financial or otherwise, is your choice. We would suggest deciding what your expectations are for him to continue to live in your home. You can then develop a Living Agreement with your son, as outlined in James Lehman's article Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part III: Is It Ever Too Late to Set up a Living Agreement? Something to keep in mind is you don't have to continue to provide for him if he is not meeting the rules and expectations of your house. Good luck to you and your family as you continue to address these challenging behaviors. Take care.
To "i give up": Thank you for sharing your story with us. How frustrating it can be for a parent when their child doesn't seem motivated to do anything on their own. I can hear how much you want to help your daughter develop the skills to be a successful adult. We would recommend first taking a step back and allowing her to take on some of those responsibilities for herself. Ultimately, the things you are doing for your daughter are her responsibility and your daughter will have a difficult time doing things for herself if you always step in and do it for her. It can be difficult for a parent to let go of some of the responsibility they feel for whether or not their child is successful because they are afraid their child will fail. This is a fear many parents have. Allowing your child to fail, or be successful, based on their own accomplishments is actually one of the best things a parent can do towards helping their child develop the skills needed to be successful as an adult. James Lehman discusses the benefits of natural consequences in his article Why You Should Let Your Child Fail The Benefits of Natural Consequences.
As for the disrespect your daughter is showing you, we would suggest setting the limit in the moment and then disengaging. You can follow up after things have calmed down with a task-oriented consequence. For example, the next time your daughter calls you a name or talks disrespectfully to you, you can say something like "It's not OK to talk to me that way" and then turn around and walk away. A little while later, you can implement a task-oriented consequence by saying to her "It's not OK to talk to me disrespectfully. When you show me you can talk to me respectfully for 24 hours, then I will turn your cell phone back on." This is just an example of a consequence; if there is another privilege that may motivate your daughter more, you could use that. We hope this has been beneficial for you and wish you and your family the best. Take care.
To Irene: A lot of parents are saddened and frustrated by their young adult child’s behavior. It can be tough to find that balance of “adult” and “child”; that is, figuring out how much responsibility to expect and what is the right amount of help to give. It may be helpful for you to figure out what your own boundaries are, and what your goal is for your son. Is your goal to have him move out on his own? Is it to have him contribute financially to the household? Is it simply having him stop asking you for money? Once you determine your goal, it is easier to figure out the steps to get there. We do advise letting your son experience the natural consequences of his actions. While it is hard to watch your child struggle, these types of consequences can be the best teachers and motivators for change. For example, if he runs out of money before his next paycheck, let him experience the discomfort of not having any money. If he knows that you will always be there to give him more money, he has no motivation to learn how to manage his money more effectively. I am including links to an article series I think you might find helpful:
Failure to Launch, Part 1: Why So Many Adult Kids Still Live with Their Parents
Failure to Launch, Part 2: How Adult Children Work the "Parent System"
Failure to Launch, Part 3: Six Steps to Help Your Adult Child Move Out
Good luck to you and your family as you continue to work through this.
Failure to Launch, Part 1: Why So Many Adult Kids Still Live with Their Parents
Failure to Launch, Part 2: How Adult Children Work the "Parent System"
Failure to Launch, Part 3: Six Steps to Help Your Adult Child Move Out.
Good luck to you and your son as you continue to work through this.
Ok I read through this entire page (article and comments). There is a lot of great stuff in here. However, I have a 19 year old son who fills out between 3 and 15 applications a week online. He refuses to follow up on jobs and when he says he has followed up on a job, every response is exactly the same. I have heard the same thing from him for 8 months now. All he does is sit around and play video games. I write up chores for him every day and he is not allowed to touch my electronics unless they are done. His daily list includes following up on jobs he has applied for and applying for new jobs. But he does not leave the house. I am at my wits end. He is driving me crazy. I have stuck to guns about him getting through the steps of finding a job or there are consequences and yet he is still sitting at home playing video games 20 hours a day. He has his own computer. At 19 years old, I can't take that away from him. I've taken everything else away...car, internet access, etc but he will still sit at his computer and play games all day. He does not take care of himself, his acne is horrible....ugh. It feels like I am running a prison instead of a home. How can I help motivate him to take care of himself, to go out and be an active young man in the world and to find a job? Please help me.
Thank you,
Lost Mom
ma8802
i would try to get him to a dermatologist to help his self image of himself. most jobs are a face to face interaction and having pus whiteheads and severe acne is not going to land him any successful job.
my kid also had bad acne but didnt know how to "handle"/ advocate for himself medically, so I gently discussed my concern for his skin if we dont take care of it now... and setup the appointment, went and let him speak but added my observations, etc. went for 8 months, after he was confident he went alone.
Also I bought witch hazel and applied it on him like it or not 2x a day. he looks better now, also bought more healthier nutrient rich food and cooked from home.
we all in the same boat
I have a son aged 20. He's working but still financially depending on me because no matter how much he earns, he will spend it all before the next pay. He used to go out with his friends every night and comes back at 2-3am and as a result of that he skipped work on and off due to not enough sleep. I always advised him not to mix with this group of friends(he has many friends) coz by coming back late every night will affect his work and thus may cause him to be fired but he always turned a deaf ear on me.
When he was a student he used to skip school, ran away from home 3 times and I managed to find him back. I had a lot of stress at that time from my son as well as from my husband. He always want me to control our son. Now he is an adult child and he will be very happy to stay out even though he's not financially independent but the problem is that my husband will not agree to it.
My son really has a disciplinary problem and I do not know what to do.
Please help.
Please help.
Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part I
Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part II
Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part III
Blended Family? The 5 Secrets of Effective Stepparenting
Good luck to you and your family as you continue to work through this.
Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part I
Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part II: In Response to Questions about Older Children Living at Home
Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part III: Is It Ever Too Late to Set up a Living Agreement?
Good luck to you and your family as you continue to work through this.
I have been married for over 30 years and have lived in my home for 25 years.
THE PROBLEM:
Our son has moved back because of the recession and job laybacks. There are several problems this has caused:
1) Cost - basically the costs for his food, lodging, bills to keep his phone on so he can get a better job that his current part time min wage job, plus many other cost is mounting and becoming a noticable HARDSHIP.
2) Rules - often when adults move back they have their lifestyles and we, as parents have ours (we use to be empty nesters), house rules is a full time conflict. My wife and I struggle with how much care is too much, and how to keep the kid from playing one parent off the other in order to get the most out of a situation.
3) Social problems: my son like to have friends, play video games and live a lifestyle that many young adults have --- I want him to set social life aside (or atleast reduce it) and focus on getting a higher job and making more money so I don't pay for the majority of cost. I can only provide care for a set amount of time and HE NEEDS to make the most of that time and stop wasting time.
4) Getting him to move -- he has been at my home for 9 months, I have said that he has to fix his life and move at or before he turns 30 which is 9 months away (sept 2012). Setting a timeline is important - I can not afford to offer more than 18 months of care because of cost and because having a guest for more than 18 months is more than we can endure. I know now, that he will be upset if he has to move, all the care and cost I provide, will be drowned out because I will not let him stay for as long as "HE WANTS".... I can not do that - he must be self reliant sometime in the near future. He has suggested that he will stay as long as he wants and we would have to evict him -- I wish we wouldn't have to do that but -- we can not provide lifetime entitlements.
MANY YOUTH are feeling like the government, society or families owe them and they are willing to protest to get what they want (LOOK AT THE 99% park protestors!)
How do I keep the peace. not be wiped out financially or disrupt my marriage while he lives with us?
This is situation hard on us. We want to help him up NOT hold him up from moving on and sometimes I feel the aid and care is doing more harm than good.
Actually, I feel that the care we offer will never be enough!
ANY ADVISE IS APPRECIATED.
Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part I
Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part II
Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part III: Is It Ever Too Late to Set up a Living Agreement?
Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part I
Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part II
Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part III
I am the mother of a 15-year-old boy. He wants to call me by my first name. I protest and yet he still does. He wears his pants hanging off his butt. I protest. He still does. He told me he needs the space. The more I complain the lower he wears them.
He has always been very smart and in all the advanced classes at school. He started High School this year and he has been getting C’s and actually came close to failing some classes. He still has his old group of friends from all the advanced classes, but he has found himself with new friends, older friends who smoke pot, drink and hang out at the mall.
He thinks I am wrong to ask him if he has done his homework and demand it get done before he goes out. He goes into his room and closes his door. I have asked him to do his homework in the kitchen so I can see him do it. The report card indicates he is missing assignments in every class. He will not allow me to see the homework.
He thinks his Facebook page is none of my business. He blocked me. I have taken away his laptop and phone only to return it when the behavior got better. Then it gets really bad and we are back to square one.
That was 3 months ago. Things have gotten worse!
He has become violent, destructive, withdrew even more. Stays out late and won’t abide by rules or boundaries.
We have been with 3 different therapists for the past 3 months; one in School, one in the house, and one that we go to see. He hates it and feels they are useless (he is right). His behavior has worsened. The only reason he is not repeating 9th grade is because he did so well in the beginning of the year and his grades get averaged.
I am investing a lot in “The Total Transformation” because this is the first time I am hearing why my son is behaving this way, what I have been doing to perpetuate and even help to worsen the situation. I am only on the 3rd CD at this point but already I feel a sense of relief that I will gain the tools to rescue my son and our family!
I wish I could have met James in person! Clearly his work will continue to help families, and that is a great legacy!
I had a 20+ that returned home after breaking up with
boyfriend and going to school at ITT Tech. She had to
repeat several expensive courses to finish degree because
she got depressed. Then I found out she had quit job
too. Luckily she finally got motivated and joined the
Marine Corps and now they keep her motivated. The thing
that seemed to work a little for me --- make being home
as UNCOMFORTABLE as you can. Wake them up early, if they
don't do the "chores" you have set up --- cleaning or
dishes --- be firm --- I took dirty dishes up and put
them in her bed. Next time she was told to do them, they
got done. Don't give them money without first setting
up what they have to COMPLETE BEFORE you hand
over the money. If you charge them rent and they are
paying it ---- I was able to put this in a separate
account and when she left home --- I gave her this in
a lump sum to help establish herself. This is very hard
to deal with.
I have a 16 year old step-son that can
only learn things the hard way and he is much more
bull headed than my daughter was. It does not help that
the emotional parent/child love bond is not present
either. When you join someone's life at 13 and they
give you the bad teenage attitude, it is very hard to
see the good side of this person. I try most times to
deal with his father and then I become the enforcer when
Dad is at work. Not ideal, but seems to be working for
us. He will be one to quit school soon and what do we do
from there???? We will keep at it and try to help until
he turns 18 and then he may have to continue to learn
life's lessons on his own the hard way --- living some
where else.
Thanks for commenting everyone. Helping our older teens to develop grown up skills is not an easy job!
Neena - I'm sorry the situation turned out to have such lasting effects, especially as that wasn't your intention. The truth is though, it is not your fault your grandson has a misdemeanor on his record; the choices he made created the situation, and he is solely responsible for the consequences. You might encourage him to seek job counseling or coaching - these professionals help people with criminal records to find employment. No matter what happened in the past, he has a choice as to how he lives his life now.
I have found that until kids (or we for that matter) have done "it" for ourselves it's difficult for us to appreciate "it" being done for us.
When necessary we all tend to rise to the occasion. I think if our kids see that their skill or income etc. is truly necessary they get motivated and receive personal satisfaction in contributing.
Satisfaction raises their self esteem and increases their desire to contribute. Interestingly enough their devotion to what or whoever they are contributing to increases as well.