“It started out with my daughter yelling ‘NO’ whenever she didn’t get her way when she was a toddler. Then when she got into elementary school, she started throwing things and slamming doors any time she didn’t get what she wanted. I thought it was just a phase. Over time, it got to a point where I was walking on eggshells — you never knew when she was going to have a fit because she wasn’t happy. And it kept getting worse. Now that she’s in middle school, she’s throwing things at me, cursing at us and destroying stuff in our house. It’s like being in a landslide — and she’s defying me about almost everything.”
Before you had kids, you probably expected your child to misbehave at times. Acting out behavior is nothing new, after all––you probably didn’t follow all of your parent’s rules growing up, yourself. You saw friends – and even strangers – parenting kids who had tantrums in stores or restaurants and it all seemed pretty typical. Children test limits and parents respond with consequences. That’s the way life goes. It comes with the territory of having kids. What you probably didn’t expect, though, was that someday — despite your best parenting efforts — your child would not only refuse to respond to your discipline, but the behavior would actually worsen over time.
When Parenting Feels Like a Nightmare
When a child starts exhibiting behavior problems, parents will try anything they can think of to get a handle on the situation: consequences for negative behavior; rewards for positive behavior; behavior charts; talking about the behavior; talking about how to change the behavior; ignoring the behavior in the hope it will stop if you don’t give it attention; talking about positive ways your child can get your attention. If we can name it, you’ve probably tried it. When a child’s behavior continues to escalate in the face of every discipline technique you can think of, it’s terrifying. Kim Abraham has raised an Oppositional–Defiant child and knows the utter sadness, hurt and frustration that comes from parenting a child who fights against rules and limits. You start to question yourself, your ability to parent effectively, and what’s worse, oftentimes others (teachers, family members, neighbors) start to point the finger of blame at you, too! Fear that you’re failing as a parent can turn to guilt, shame and desperation.
If your child’s behavior has continued to escalate, quickly or over time, take heart. Here are a few tips that can help:
1. Rule Out Other Factors
If your child’s behavior continues to escalate despite all your best efforts, you may want to see a professional to rule out other factors. Some children have undetected medical issues such as allergies (food or otherwise) that can truly impact their behavior. Other children who are chronically defiant, constantly breaking rules or having trouble handling frustration may be experiencing ADHD, Asperger’s Disorder, anxiety or depression. If any of these situations are occurring, getting your child the proper help can help him manage his emotions – and behavior – more effectively.
There are many reasons a child’s behavior can escalate. It may be that he is becoming increasingly frustrated and simply doesn’t know how to express it. You might also find, after thinking it over, that your own reaction to your child is contributing to the intensity of his behavior. Are you easily irritated by your child, and if so, how do you respond? Dealing with a child’s negative behavior can leave a parent feeling whipped; you may not realize the role your own behavior is playing in the interactions. Even your tone of voice or the expression on your face can affect your child.
2. Walking Away Doesn’t Mean You’re Giving Up
It’s easy to get drawn into control battles with a child who argues about everything. There’s often a cycle that goes something like this: Your child wants something or experiences an intense negative emotion. You tell her “no” or set a limit. She tries to get you to change your mind. You stick to your guns. She gets more upset; her emotions and behavior escalate. Your emotions escalate. She tries to get her way. You try to get her to understand your point of view and why the answer is “No.” Things continue to escalate to yelling, swearing or even getting physical.
During a conflict, kids sometimes go into “fight or flight” mode: they get upset, there’s a rush of adrenaline and they don’t know how to release that energy. The longer the conflict continues, the more their adrenaline pumps them up. Ending the argument by walking away shows your child he doesn’t have to stay in fight–or–flight mode. You can offer him suggestions on how he can get rid of that energy in a more acceptable way than yelling or throwing things. This can help keep things from hitting the point where they continue to escalate.
Remember, your child doesn’t have to understand why you’re setting a limit. In the old days, parents never spent a lot of time explaining to a child why they were setting a limit. They might give it a sentence or two, but then that–was–that. Discussion over. Over the years, parents have fallen into the trap of talking to our kids too much. We talk about everything, and we want our kids to be okay with our decisions. The fact is, sometimes they’re not going to be happy about a limit or a consequence and that’s okay. That’s part of learning and growing up and that’s life. You can validate for your child that it’s hard to accept things she doesn’t agree with, and that she may be really upset, disappointed or angry. But don’t fall into the trap of believing you need to justify yourself – or your decisions – to your child and then stand there until she’s okay with it. If you do, you may be standing there a very long time—ripe for getting further drawn into the power struggle!
3. Accept Your Child
Everyone has their own unique temperament (or disposition) and kids are no different. Some kids tend to be cooperative while some seem to argue about everything. Some are easygoing while others have a low frustration tolerance and are quick to anger. There are kids who are quiet and shy, and those who want to be heard….every moment of every day! With Oppositional –Defiance, it can be hard to accept a child’s basic personality. You could spend years trying to change your child into someone else, but the bottom line is: this is your child, right now, in this moment. Accepting your child doesn’t mean you accept his behavior or agree with all of his choices. It does mean that you accept him at a basic level of being human– with his own feelings, flaws and struggles.
4. Continue to Set Limits and Follow Through With Consequences…Even Though It’s Hard
It’s not easy to stand firm in the face of a tornado of emotion your child unleashes on you. It can seem easier to give in and sometimes it is…in the short run. But in the long run, if you can hang in there and remain consistent, your child will come to know that arguing, throwing things and getting physical won’t change your mind or your house rules. Because it can be so draining — emotionally — to follow through with consequences, you may want to target the most serious behaviors you’re seeing with your child first and then work your way down the list. Don’t give a consequence if you know you’re likely to give in. Go with a shorter consequence or response you know you’ll be able to stick to, until you’re feeling stronger.
5. Think of Parenting as a Marathon…Not a Sprint
Parenting is for a lifetime. There’s no specific moment where you think, “Well, this is it. My job as a parent is done.” When you’re 50 and your child is an adult, he’ll still be your son. And you’ll still be parenting him (though hopefully in a different way). Your relationship may look different, but it’s still parent and child. Your goal is to help your child understand the world, how to live in it and what he can expect from others when he behaves in a certain way. Your home is the first place he will learn limits and rules that exist in our society. Parenting means being in it for the long–haul. Believe it or not, when you continue to consistently provide limits and consequences for your child, over the years he will learn what to expect from you — and from society.
It can be very frightening and frustrating when a child’s behavior continues to escalate. Sometimes we — as parents — go into fight–or–flight mode ourselves, reacting out of emotion rather than remaining calm and providing consistent consequences and limits. Your child has the ultimate control over his behavior and choices. As a parent, you can provide discipline, love and guidance. You can support your child by offering positive alternatives to dealing with frustration and you can model those same techniques in the way you respond to your child’s behavior. Remember to take care of your own emotional wellbeing during these times, as well — get support from friends, this website, other parents or even a professional if you find your strength is suffering in the face of your child’s behavior. Parenting takes determination, pacing oneself and keeping an eye on the long–term goal. Remember, you are not alone in this marathon!
Related Content:
Your Defiant Child’s Behavior: What You Can—and Can’t—Control as a Parent
About Kim Abraham, LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW
Kimberly Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner are the co-creators of The ODD Lifeline® for parents of Oppositional, Defiant kids, and Life Over the Influence™, a program that helps families struggling with substance abuse issues (both programs are included in The Total Transformation® Online Package). Kimberly Abraham, LMSW, has worked with children and families for more than 25 years. She specializes in working with teens with behavioral disorders, and has also raised a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW, is the mother of four and has been a therapist for 15 years. She works with children and families and has in-depth training in the area of substance abuse. Kim and Marney are also the co-creators of their first children's book, Daisy: The True Story of an Amazing 3-Legged Chinchilla, which teaches the value of embracing differences and was the winner of the 2014 National Indie Excellence Children's Storybook Cover Design Award.
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Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. Young children often lack frustration tolerance and effective problem solving skills for managing that frustration. The acting out behavior you're seeing is possibly a reflection of this. We have several articles that offer tips and techniques for managing this sort of behavior in younger children. You can find those here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/ages-and-stages/younger-children/
We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community and wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.
Thank you for reaching out. I can understand your distress. Many parents struggle with knowing how to respond to and address behaviors that happen in school. Dr. Joan Simeo Munson wrote an excellent article that focuses on younger kids that you may find helpful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/young-kids-acting-out-in-school-the-top-3-issues-parents-worry-about-most/.
We appreciate you reaching out and wish you the best of luck moving forward. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
I am so sorry you are facing these challenges with your son. I can understand why you reached out for help and support. We have several articles that address this topic that can be found here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/child-behavior-problems/outbursts-temper-tantrums/
We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going.
Hello ,
I will start off by saying I really enjoyed reading this because this is what I’m going thru with my 5 year old now.
I started noticing weird odd behaviours when he was two ( punching the dog spitting throwing things and laughing at hurting others ) but I didn’t make much of it. He stopped for time being.
I sent him to daycare and was receiving complains but again I stood strongly by my son. I would get calls from daycare to get him because he was either misbehaving or hysterical. I would go get him and rarely punished because I always thought it was too late to punish him after the facts. We moved he went to daycare and got called in to school by director who suggested we evaluate the kid for Asperger or adhd. We didn’t do it, my husband got upset at the director because the kid my son was getting in trouble with was in fact her daughter. He turned three and same story calls from school that he’s running away not paying attention is disruptive to the classmates etc. I did see running away part as huge issue and decided to speak to his paediatrician about evaluation which she thought it was rubbish but gave me referrals (6 months later). We changed schools again and within a month I received 4 notes ( doesn’t listen doesn’t pay attention, grabbed scissors and tried to
Cut some girls hair the list goes on). Then corona stroke and he was out of school for months. He did play with other kids and he would punch them in the face, kick, or somehow hurt. He does the same to my husband. One time he put his fingers and pushed it into his eyes (looked painful), other time punched him and slapped him, kick him notoriously etc. We moved to other city where school were open even during pandemics and enrolled him in one. It seemed to be going ok but he was acting up at home so I had talk with his teacher about behavioural issues but she said it was noticeable but controllable. Past month I have been Terrorised at my own home. He is sweet as can be until He isn’t. He gets energy out of nowhere starts running away slams the door, throws things at me (phone, jars with gummy bears, shampoo bottle, clothes on the floor etc) he also punches the dogs and sometimes seems to me he’s trying to suffocate them. (Yorkies).
Today I was called in to get him from school because he threw chairs and got frustrated etc. I got him out but again I don’t know how to punish him for that after the fact. We had a talk and he always says “ I don’t know why I did that”
Should I have him evaluated ? He is the only child and spoiled to the bone but we don’t throw things at home, we are animal lovers not abusers and we definitely don’t use violence so I have no clue where he may be getting those odd reactions from. His biological dad was aggressive and impulsive like that and always had difficulties accepting authority but he is not and won’t be in the picture and my husband has been raising him since he was 1,5 so and he is a family attorney so he knows how to treat kids. Is it possible that genetics are taking part in those behavioural issues ? I am honestly exhausted of complains and constant issues at school. He is very intelligent and very witty but he just loses it and wonders around the classroom and sometimes gets destructive.
If you believe there may be an underlying issue affecting your son's behavior, then having him evaluated might be a good idea. A good first step in the process is making an appointment with his pediatrician. Your son's doctor would be in the best position to help you decide if further evaluation is necessary and would be able to make a referral to a qualified mental health professional who would be able to do further assessments.
We appreciate you reaching out and wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.
Hi, Allison. Your son may be doing these responses because he gets a reaction from you. With that said, if you feel there may be something else going on, I would make an appointment with his pediatrician. His doctor would be able to determine of further evaluation or assessment is needed.
We appreciate you reaching out. Take care.
Bobbi,
I will tell you I understand the feeling at a loss. I have a 15 year old daughter who has PTSD2, DMDD, ADHD, Major Depression, Binge Eating Disorder, as well as Bipolarism-2. Nothing in my repertoire has prepared me to deal with her issues. I have had plenty of training as well as experience with kids. I have had MAPP classes(foster parent training), have a degree in childhood development, had 27 children as a foster parent in 4 years and I have work in the classroom since 2004.
My daughter has choked, punched, slapped myself, my other child and my fiance. Two weeks ago she splintered her sister's door frame. She has punched a 3ft by 3 ft hole through the wall. She curses and berates us on a regular basis. She has had therapy for 10 years off and on, has had medication management for over five years. Things have not always been this way. I would say that in the last 5 years I have had an increasingly difficult time reaching her. She completely shuts down and is constantly trying to engage in a power struggle with me. I have asked for help from police, psychologists, psychiatrists and even DCF. The police I have found for the most part seem to believe that it is a "home" problem. I know that in fact is not true. I have been consistent in my rules, expectations, consequences both positive and negative. I have not gotten any guidance from therapists in dealing with her behavior in relation to her mental health issues. I have asked an infinite amount of times about information and resources for those answers to no avail
I will tell you in my experience with my daughter therapy and medicine have helped, not solved her issues, but helped her be more receptive to therapy. Each child is different and you know your child, what is best for them. We have come to a point where we are in the process of getting a second placement for her in residential treatment. Do not stop reaching out for help! For your entire family! Know your strengths.
I joined the National Association for Mental Health and found it helpful to know I am not alone. They offer education and support for caretakers and those individuals dealing with these issues. This is just my own experience. Don't give up, take any lull in the storm while you can and self care is imperative! My mother always told me you have to fill your own cup up first in order to fill another's.
Where did I go wrong
I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles with your daughter.Unfortunately, we hear from many parents who
are hurt by estrangement with their children, so you are not alone.I encourage you to take steps to take care of
yourself during this time.Your
self-care plan can be anything you wish, from engaging in an activity you
enjoy, to working with more structured supports, such as a counselor or support
group.For information about available
resources in your community, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222.In
addition, I encourage you to read our articles https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/estranged-from-your-adult-child-5-things-you-can-do/ and https://www.empoweringparents.com/blog/estranged-from-adult-child-parent-child-estrangement/ You might find some
helpful information in the articles, as well as in the comments by other
parents who are in a similar situation.I wish you all the best moving forward; take care.
Hi, my 5-yr-old grandson just started school this year. His father left the family about 2 years ago so his mom ( my daughter) and her fiancé are raising him. They are wonderful with him, however he's been having a hard time the last couple of months. He has been very angry, hitting, not himself at all. His teacher called last week because he hit a boy at recess.
He hits his little sister. The entire family walks on eggshells wondering if he will be in a good mood or not.
We are very concerned about him.
Do you have any suggestions?
Nana Deb
It can be very
troubling when a child starts acting out aggressively both at home and at
school. We hear from many families with these same concerns, so you are
not alone. It’s actually quite common for kids your grandson’s age to hit
others or otherwise act aggressively. This is because they tend to have a
low tolerance for frustration, poor impulse control and few appropriate coping
skills to use when they become upset. This does not mean that you have to
accept this behavior, however. You might find our articles https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/hitting-biting-and-kicking-how-to-stop-aggressive-behavior-in-young-children/ and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/young-kids-acting-out-in-school-the-top-3-issues-parents-worry-about-most/ helpful
as you address your grandson’s aggression. Please be sure to write back
and let us know how things are going with you and your family. Take care.
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through with you 11 year old, you feel like their is nothing else you can do. Has she started her periods by any chance ? Hormones are certainly a facter and she knows she gets attention from you when acts like she does. Have you spoken to the school? It doesn't make you a bad parent in asking for help. It makes you a good one. I also know how much off a strain it puts on the other children in the house, a very unhappy one. I don't think it would solve the problem to send her away, and would only upset your more and feel like you have failed as a mother. Through all the upset and hurt she's your daughter and you love her very much, even at times you hate her. My advice speak to the school and go to your GP for help
Best off luck
@Alysson
I’m so sorry to hear about your current situation with your
daughter, and your involvement with the local authorities as a result of her
statements. Although no parent want to be involved with a child
protection agency, I encourage you to work with your assigned caseworker to
help you set limits with your daughter, as well as locate local resources which
might not otherwise be available to you. I also encourage you to continue
to use the police as a resource when your daughter is acting in a threatening,
or unsafe manner. It can be beneficial to call them during a calm time,
so you can discuss the kind of support you are seeking, and develop a
plan. We have a downloadable worksheet which can help guide this
conversation; you can find a copy https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-talk-to-police-when-your-child-is-physically-abusive/.
I recognize how difficult this must be for you, and I wish you and your family
all the best moving forward. Take care.
RainyDay082616
It can be so
frustrating when your child behaves appropriately when outside of the home, yet
is constantly acting out at home. This is not an uncommon situation, as
pointed out in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/angel-child-or-devil-child-when-kids-save-their-bad-behavior-for-you/. The
good news is that because your daughter is able to demonstrate appropriate
behavior outside of the home, she already has the skills. Now, it is more
a matter of working with her to apply those skills with her family
members. You might also consider using an https://www.empoweringparents.com/free-downloadable-charts/ to reward and reinforce when she is well-behaved at home.
Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and
your family. Take care.
@sadmom2016
Many young children
have difficulty adjusting to school, so your son’s behavior is not out of the
ordinary, especially since this is the first time he has been away from family
for an extended period. I encourage you to talk with your son’s teacher
about ways that you can work with him at home to become more comfortable in his
classroom. In addition, you might find some helpful information and tips
in our article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/young-kids-acting-out-in-school-the-top-3-issues-parents-worry-about-most/.
Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going with your
son. Take care.
@Momof2boys
It can be quite
difficult when your child appears to be learning aggression and other
inappropriate behaviors from another kid. Something to keep in mind is
that it is actually quite common for kids your son’s age to act out
aggressively, because young children tend to have a low tolerance for
frustration, as well as few appropriate coping skills to use when they become
upset. Ultimately, the decision of whether to have your son remain at
your in-laws during the day, or have your sister watch him is yours. In
any case, I recommend holding your son accountable for his choices to hit and
yell, as well as working with him at home to practice more appropriate ways of
expressing his emotions. Dr. Joan has some great suggestions in her
article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/hitting-biting-and-kicking-how-to-stop-aggressive-behavior-in-young-children/.
Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going.
Jojomom
Many parents feel
confused, frustrated and anxious when their child is acting out at
school. Something to keep in mind is that this kind of behavior is quite
common for kids your son’s age. While that does not mean that what is doing is
acceptable, many young children tend to use aggressive behavior as a coping
skill when they become angry, upset or frustrated. Something that can be
helpful is to talk with his teacher(s) about what he is doing in the classroom,
and how they are currently responding to his behavior. You might find
additional tips in our article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/young-kids-acting-out-in-school-the-top-3-issues-parents-worry-about-most/.
I understand how challenging this type of behavior can be, and I wish you and
your son the best as you work through it. Take care.
My 4 year old srep dauggter hit her little brother in the face with a stick.
She then threw her toys and kicked other things.
She refused naughty chair and refused too eat her tea.
And then screamed the flat down.
So because of this behaviour I made her sit out of play time in the pool for half an hour 40 minutes with her brother and neice to show her she will miss out with that behaviour.
So her brother and niece played.
Would anyone see that as a harsh punishment?? Or old you say it was fair??
Deano99notout
Thank you for your question. Many parents struggle
with issues such as aggression, and trying to find effective consequences, so
you are not alone. In general, we recommend using consequences that you
can implement consistently. It’s also important to keep consequences
pretty short-term, especially for a young child. You might find some
helpful tips on addressing this type of behavior in the future in our articles https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/hitting-biting-and-kicking-how-to-stop-aggressive-behavior-in-young-children/ and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/5-steps-to-giving-effective-consequences-to-young-kids/. Please let us
know if you have any additional questions; take care
Hi i have 4 year old girl and now in preschool.this week i was informed that she hit her classmate.then yesterday she bite her classmate too.the first incident i talked to her and told that if she did it again i will not be home.the situation is stressful for me because i feel that they all think that my daughter is a bad and i came to a point that i felt its true.i didnt sleep last night because of the message i received from her teacher that she bite her classmate.this morning i talked to her in a calm voice and asked what had happen and she told me that she bite her classmate.i told her that its not good because she hurt her classmate.then i told her if she still wants to go to school or not and she answered yes i want to go to school.then i asked her if what is her feelings about school?is she happy or sad or angry.then she said she is sad because she doesnt have seatmate.they are 7 in class and she told me they all have seatmates and im alone.then i tried to ask her to draw the classroom before and now.she told me that before she has seatmate and now she is alone.
Is isolation was the possible reason why my daughter has negative behavior in class and the reason why she bite and hit her classmate.as per teacher she did well in class in activities and recitation.the only problem is her behavior this week.
Nyl
It can be
heartbreaking and frustrating when your child begins acting out aggressively at
school, and you are not alone in this situation. It’s actually quite
common for kids your daughter’s age to behave aggressively with peers, because
they tend to have a low tolerance for frustration, and few appropriate coping
skills to use when they become upset. I encourage you to continue working
with your daughter on her behavior at home, as well as keeping open
communication with her teacher about what is happening in the classroom.
You might find some additional helpful information in our articles https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/hitting-biting-and-kicking-how-to-stop-aggressive-behavior-in-young-children/ and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/young-kids-acting-out-in-school-the-top-3-issues-parents-worry-about-most/.
Please be sure to check back and let us know how things are going for you and
your daughter. Take care.
@Aryana
We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and
sharing your story. I hear how difficult your relationship with your
sister is right now, and how much you want to help your mom. I’m glad
that you are reaching out for support. Because we are a website aimed at
helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and
suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role. It may be
helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing
your particular issues. One that might be useful to you is the Kids Help Phone,
which offers 24/7 phone counseling to teens just like you. They also
offer options for live chat, information on local resources and archived
questions from other teens on their website which you might find helpful.
You can reach them by calling 1-800-668-6868 or by visiting their website at http://www.kidshelpphone.ca/ We
wish you the best going forward. Take care.
ChristineOS
Thank you for
writing in. I’m glad that you’re here reaching out for support.
It’s normal for parents to feel overwhelmed and scared as a child continues to
act out in inappropriate ways, and to project what consequences that behavior
might lead to in the future. While this is a common response, it doesn’t
tend to be effective to https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/worried-sick-about-your-childs-future-how-to-stop-the-anxiety/
because it can impact how well you are able to address what your son is
currently doing. Instead, it can be more helpful to focus on one or two
behaviors at a time, and move forward from there. We have many different
articles addressing the behaviors you mentioned-stealing, sibling fighting,
aggression, lack of motivation, and more. These might be useful to read
next: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/in-over-your-head-how-to-improve-your-childs-behavior-and-regain-control-as-a-parent/ and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/good-behavior-is-not-magic-its-a-skill-the-3-skills-every-child-needs-for-good-behavior/. Please let us know if you have any additional
questions. Take care.
karinashine
It can be so
frustrating when you feel as though you have tried just about everything, and
your child continues to be rude and defiant. Something to keep in mind is
that any behavior which is given a lot of attention (whether positive or
negative) tends to repeat itself. If your son has learned that he can get
a big reaction from you by acting a certain way, then this is “working” for him
on some level. It also tends to be ineffective to take everything away
for long periods of time, especially for young children. For kids your
son’s age, using short-term or daily incentives for appropriate behavior tends
to be more effective. Using a sticker chart, as you mentioned, is a great
start. You might also find some more useful techniques in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/5-steps-to-giving-effective-consequences-to-young-kids/. I understand
how challenging this can be, and I hope that you will write back and let us
know how things are going. Take care.
Beckykate
I am sorry to hear your
daughter’s behavior has been such a struggle. We hear from many parents who
tell us their children are well behaved at school but when they get home it is
another story. The good news is your daughter has the skills to manage herself
at school. It is now a matter of helping her to apply those skills at home. As
Sara Bean states in her article https://toms.thruways.com/coaching/index.cfm?CFID=6407d3ff-2b3e-4a0f-9f3e-473edd2eab88&CFTOKEN=0&p=case-psl&customerID=6623687&caseID=42147&do=view&r=success, it is
going to be important to start to create a culture of accountability in your
home. Sara talks about what that is and how you can start doing it now. I know
it is difficult to be dealing with such challenging behavior. We wish you the
best as you continue to work through this. Let us know if you have any further
questions.
IndiaDamitaJoKennedy
It can be quite
frustrating when your child appears to know the rules, yet continues to break
them at school. The type of behavior you describe is pretty common among
kids your son’s age because they tend to have a low frustration tolerance, poor
self-control, and few appropriate coping skills to use when they become
upset. We do not recommend using spanking as a disciplinary technique
because it is not teaching your son how to follow the rules at school, and could
actually be reinforcing his own aggressive behavior toward classmates.
Instead, it can be useful to talk and role play with your son about how he can
follow the rules at school, and provide incentives at home when he does
so. Dr. Joan Simeo Munson offers more tips to address this behavior in
her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/young-kids-acting-out-in-school-the-top-3-issues-parents-worry-about-most/.
I understand how challenging this behavior can be, and I hope you will write
back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
@grrrr
I’m so sorry to hear you have not been able to find the
support your son needs. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes awhile to find a
program that is a good fit. While I’m not able to recommend a specific program,
there are a couple services that may be able to help you find what you are
looking for. First is the 211 Helpline, a national health and human services
referral service. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling
1-800-273-6222. You can also find them online at 211.org. Another website that
may be able to give you information on suitable programs is http://www.natsap.org/. You can reach them by phone at 1-928-443-9505. Best of luck to
you and your family moving forward. Take care.
@Jane
What a tough situation. I can hear how much you want to help
your family through these challenges. It may help to know that it’s not
uncommon for young children to act out during difficult times. At 3, your niece
isn’t going to have sufficient skills for dealing with her parents’ separation
and the other issues at hand. Because social services is currently working with
your niece and her family, we’re limited in the coaching we are able to offer.
We would not want to suggest anything that would run counter to specific case
management they may have in place. We do have several articles that offer
insight into aggression in young children. One in particular you may find
useful is https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/hitting-biting-and-kicking-how-to-stop-aggressive-behavior-in-young-children/. We
wish you and your family the best of luck moving forward. Take care.
khrystal
Many parents
struggle with finding effective consequences when a child is acting out, so you
are not alone. When parents are dealing with multiple inappropriate
behaviors, it can be more effective to focus on only one or two at a
time. In this way, you and your child are less likely to become
overwhelmed, and you are more likely to remain consistent in how you hold him
accountable for his misbehavior. Sara Bean outlines this in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/in-over-your-head-how-to-improve-your-childs-behavior-and-regain-control-as-a-parent/. In addition, using time-limited and task-oriented consequences
tend to be more effective. Megan Devine discusses how to effectively set
these up in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/using-consequences-to-maintain-your-parental-authority/. Thank you for
writing in, and please let us know if you have any additional questions.
My six year old grandson is getting in trouble at school for not listening to directions. He won't sit still and is disruptive to the lessons. He likes to be the class clown. My daughter is at a loss. At home and at our house he constantly is playing Minecraft. His teacher this year, as well as other teachers in the past, say he doesn't show remorse. He doesn't cry but as a rule he is a very happy child. Is it normal for a child not to cry? As a baby he tipped over from a sitting position and got a black eye as he was sitting too close to a hassock with wooden legs.
Could this be a factor in his behavior?