If you, like many parents, have an adult child living at home with you, you’re not alone. There’s an epidemic of young adults in our society who are struggling to get off the ground. In many families, this works out fine—the adult child is responsible and contributes to the household while they set themselves up to live independently.
But if your adult child has moved home—or never left—and expects you to take care of their needs, you’ve probably started to feel resentful and frustrated.
“An adult child can actually make a career out of earning income from his parents by working the emotional system.”
In part 2 of this series on adult children, Kim Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner explain why some kids choose to stay home instead of launching into the world. According to Kim and Marney:
“We didn’t write this series on young adult kids in order to judge parents. Just because your child may not have launched successfully yet, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. And it doesn’t mean they’ll be at home forever. There’s hope.”
Kim and Marney are experts in parenting, child behavior problems, Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), and substance abuse. They have worked with families for decades to help them resolve the most difficult child behavior problems. They are also the co-creators of The ODD Lifeline™ and Life Over the Influence™, two of the parenting programs available from EmpoweringParents.com.
Today’s Parents Expect Their Kids to Fulfill Their Emotional Needs
In part 1 of this series, we looked at how society has changed its views and approaches to parenting. Over the past few generations, our culture has increasingly encouraged parents to do things for their children that their kids should be doing for themselves. In other words, society has moved from caring for our children to caretaking. As a result, many parents find themselves solving problems for their children long into adulthood.
How did this happen? In today’s world, children are usually born out of emotional wants or needs. Many couples want to share the bond of having a child and the joy they picture of becoming a family. Moreover, married couples with strong spiritual or religious beliefs may see having a child as part of God’s plan or as sharing a spiritual experience.
Sometimes, teens or young adults believe that having a child is a rite of passage into adulthood. In addition, there’s often the belief that a child will love us unconditionally. And for those who’ve never had that kind of love, a child is a perfect opportunity to experience it. Sure, there are still accidental pregnancies. But more often than not, the choice to become a parent is primarily based on emotion.
If you think about it, there’s nothing logical about having children. Yes, they can bring great joy, but they can also bring great pain and frustration. Children are messy, cost hundreds of thousands of dollars to raise, and often require parents to make great sacrifices. So if the decision to have children isn’t logical, it must be emotional. And since we have children out of emotion, we tend to parent out of emotion as well.
As parents, we want our children to be happy, confident, and secure. We hate to see them suffer, and we will do anything we can to take that pain away. Indeed, we would rather go through something painful ourselves than watch our children experience it.
Many of us remember our own childhood pain as we watch our children struggle to find their way in this world. We empathize with our son when he comes home crying because no one would play with him at recess. We know his pain when other kids make fun of him or call him names, and his teacher just doesn’t seem to like him. We feel anger when our daughter is the victim of rumors spread by the “mean girls” in her middle school. And when she sobs for weeks because her boyfriend broke up with her, it’s heartbreaking for us too.
Our Kids Know How to Push Our Emotional Buttons
As their child grows, parents start to develop certain emotional buttons. When pressed, these buttons tend to move us into caretaking mode. These vulnerabilities aren’t right or wrong. They’re just emotions that we tend to feel strongly regarding our child.
For example, if you find yourself worrying about your child quite a bit, you likely have a strong emotional fear button. You enter caretaking mode from fear of anything negative happening to your child. You fear that your child will fail in school. You fear your child will abuse substances or engage in other dangerous activities. Perhaps you fear your child will be hurt by others, either emotionally or physically. And, you might even fear your child will hurt someone else. To allay this fear, we tend to take too much care of our children.
Other common emotional buttons kids tend to push are related to hope (as in hoping our child will handle things better next time), exhaustion (as in becoming so exhausted that you give up), guilt (as in blaming yourself for your child’s problems), sympathy (as in feeling sorry for your child), and intimidation (as feeling physically threatened by your child).
Over time, children learn what our emotional buttons are and how to work them in certain situations. Most of us have more than one emotional button that our children learn to push. Indeed, there are lots of these buttons, and if we don’t become aware of which ones affect us, our children will continue to push them well into adulthood.
Emotional Buttons are the PINs to the Parent ATM
Many adult children who have difficulty launching have learned to rely on one or both parents as their source of financial support. The adult child still needs money for haircuts, clothes, a car, insurance, medical services, a roof over their head, and food to eat. They’ll also want cigarettes, make-up, movies, games, phones, and internet service.
Where does the money come from if they don’t have a job? It comes from us, The First National Parent Bank and Trust. Or, what we like to call the Parent ATM.
Getting parents to provide money for these things becomes that adult child’s full-time job. An adult child can make a career out of earning income from his parents by pushing their emotional buttons.
You can think of these emotional buttons as the PIN to the Parent ATM. Push the right buttons, and the cash starts flowing. These kids will visit the Parent ATM frequently, using whatever emotional PIN is able to spit money out of the cash slot.
Meet Slug: The Adult Child Who Pushes Our Hope Button
Slug is 32 years old. He’s never held a job for more than a few months. He’s broken multiple leases, which his parents had to pay for as co-signers. Slug has been living at home for the past few years because he can’t find a job. Part of the problem is that he won’t leave the house to put in any job applications. He looks online sometimes but never follows through by calling a potential employer.
He sleeps until the early afternoon, lays on the couch, eats his parents’ food, and smokes cigarettes and marijuana all day. Slug gets his Parent ATM to spit out money by using the Hope PIN. He says he needs gas money to get to a job interview that never materializes into employment. He always has an opportunity that’s about to pan out—a get-rich-quick scheme that never seems to work. Yet he continues to preach hope to his parents: he’ll be independent if they keep helping him a little longer.
When the Hope PIN stops working, Slug starts pushing all the buttons on the Parent ATM, eventually finding success with the Exhaustion PIN. He simply refuses to do anything until his parents are tired and frustrated enough to give Slug what he wants rather than argue anymore.
Meet Clueless: The Adult Child Who Pushes Our Fear Button
Clueless is a 24-year-old adult child living with his parents. He’s also a connoisseur of colleges. He has been to four different universities in the past six years but is still only a sophomore because he never completes his courses.
Clueless doesn’t know what he wants to do in life except for smoking marijuana, playing video games, and texting his friends. So far, his parents have shelled out thousands of dollars supporting his lifestyle.
When they try to shut down the Parent ATM, Clueless uses the Fear PIN. He threatens to sell drugs for a living or go live off the land if his parents stop supporting him. Or maybe he’ll crash his car into a tree to end his life. When his parents offer to take him to a therapist, he declines because he doesn’t have a problem—the world does. Why should he have to work at a job every day if he doesn’t love it?
Sometimes, he finds his Fear PIN isn’t working, so he uses the Hero PIN, which makes his parents feel like his savior. He tells his parents how much he appreciates all the support they give, how much he wants to be like them, and how badly he feels that he’s let them down. He convinces his parents that their continued help will soon enable him to succeed. The problem is, Clueless isn’t a bird who desires to soar above the clouds. In fact, he has no intention of ever leaving the nest.
Meet Carefree: The Adult Child Who Pushes Our Guilt Button
Carefree is a 20-year-old adult child who lives with her mother, along with her three-year-old baby. Carefree still acts like a teenager. She leaves her baby at home with her mother while she goes out with friends. Sometimes she parties and stays out all night. She has a part-time job but never seems to have enough money to pay for bills. She does, however, have money for clothes, cigarettes, and alcohol.
Her mother pays for all her haircuts, daycare, the car she drives, and the insurance. When Carefree’s mother tries to set boundaries or get her to take responsibility for her own life, Carefree uses the Guilt PIN. She reminds her mother how hard and lonely she had it growing up in a single-parent home, and how she never got to be a teenager because she had to care for her younger siblings.
When the Guilt PIN doesn’t work, she uses the Fear PIN. Carefree suggests that she should just give her baby up for adoption since she can’t take care of her. Or, better yet, she suggests letting her ex-boyfriend—the father—have custody. Carefree’s mother, who adores the baby, gives in for fear of what could happen to her grandchild.
Meet Clinger: The Adult Child Who Pushes Our Sympathy Button
Meet Clinger. Clinger never did well in school, never had many friends, and, in general, just doesn’t know how to cope and make it in life. He’s not particularly difficult to live with. He’s just extremely dependent at the age of 22.
Clinger’s parents respond to the Sympathy PIN because they believe Clinger doesn’t have the intellect or ability to live independently. His parents are terrified of what would happen to Clinger in the real world, which also engages their Fear PIN.
Clinger, unlike the others we’ve described, is so dependent that he doesn’t even really know how to work the Parent ATM. Instead, his parents, out of symathy, work it for him.
Meet TNT: The Adult Child Who Pushes Our Intimidation Button
Meet TNT. TNT is in his twenties and has never moved out of his parents’ home. As an oppositional and defiant teenager, TNT attacks his parents every day with the Intimidation PIN. He yells, breaks things, raises his fist, and is verbally abusive. His parents have had to call the police a few times, but because he never actually crossed the line into violence, no charges were ever filed.
Even though TNT is an adult, he uses anger and intimidation to get his parents to do what he wants. His parents walk on eggshells around him in their own home and worry that TNT will one day become violent with them. As a result, they’re afraid to stop supporting him financially or ask him to leave.
Conclusion
You are not alone. Almost all of us go into parenting with good intentions. We don’t mean to become caretakers for our children, and neither did the parents above. It may surprise some parents, but the adult children described above really do exist, and more and more join their ranks each day. What do these adult children all have in common? They are more comfortable relying on their parents than taking responsibility for themselves.
These parents aren’t terrible, and they’re not alone. They love their children. Unfortunately, caretaking behavior sneaks up on us over time. Emotional buttons can become so strong that some parents are held hostage by feelings of fear, exhaustion, or guilt. Many parents feel conflicting emotions. They feel anger and frustration at an adult child’s entitlement, but they fear what will happen if that child is cut off financially. It can leave anyone in this situation feeling paralyzed.
Parents need to recognize which emotional buttons their adult child is pushing and then make changes to begin a healthy separation from that child. It’s a process, and it can take some time. Our next article covers the steps parents can take to get past these emotions, set boundaries with their adult child, and make them uncomfortable enough in your home to become more independent. Remember, they can still launch—they just haven’t launched yet.
In our next article on Adult Children Living at Home, we’ll give you practical, concrete tips on how to help your child launch.
Failure to Launch, Part 3: Six Steps to Help Your Adult Child Move Out
About Kim Abraham, LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW
Kimberly Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner are the co-creators of The ODD Lifeline® for parents of Oppositional, Defiant kids, and Life Over the Influence™, a program that helps families struggling with substance abuse issues (both programs are included in The Total Transformation® Online Package). Kimberly Abraham, LMSW, has worked with children and families for more than 25 years. She specializes in working with teens with behavioral disorders, and has also raised a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW, is the mother of four and has been a therapist for 15 years. She works with children and families and has in-depth training in the area of substance abuse. Kim and Marney are also the co-creators of their first children's book, Daisy: The True Story of an Amazing 3-Legged Chinchilla, which teaches the value of embracing differences and was the winner of the 2014 National Indie Excellence Children's Storybook Cover Design Award.
Comments (141)
You must log in to leave a comment. Don't have an account? Create one for free!
Connect with us
Like What You're Reading?
Sign up for our newsletter and get immediate access to a FREE eBook, 5 Ways to Fix Disrespectful Behavior Now
We will not share your information with anyone. Terms of Use
×
My 31 year old son is all of the examples listed in the article. After decades of this behavior hijacking my home, health, finances and relationships, I made BOLD steps to take my life back. I found a great TINY apartment for myself, packed all of my necessities, sold/gave away the rest and MOVED OUT of the apartment I’d lived in for nearly 20 years. Trying to appeal to him for years to get himself together did not work. When it became clear that this would be my life FOREVER, I had to change. So, instead of kicking him out of his comfort zone, I MOVED OUT.
Although I talked with him daily about preparing to move-getting a job, saving money and getting a roommate, he continued to live as if I were bluffing. Packed moving boxes sat in the living room for 6 months. He watched me clearing the place out every single day. So what happened? I moved into my new place, met the former landlord to return the keys and left my grown son right there. He attempted to pull out all of the emotional triggers-angry outbursts, threats to kill himself, to get me to retreat, but it was already a done deal. He is now squatting in the empty apartment, texting me daily trying to manipulate his way into my new home. I’ve learned that loss of access to you throws a wrench in their behavior. I did not give him my new address. My phone is on do not disturb in the evenings. I am finally experiencing the peace I desperately longed for.
It’s going to take months to recover from that highly stressful way of life. What I don’t do is worry about how he will survive. That is his responsibility. It is interesting to see the amount of support given to these adult children from the other side. He used me for all of his needs and his own money to feed his flesh. I can tell you that I now see what a disservice it is to enable anyone. Lesson learned.
To anyone going through this…you can make it through. Do whatever you have to do to save yourself.
I certainly had one child who is now 18 years old and I would consider he is a grown up child. He dropped school early in the year and tried to work for a short while and then he stopped working because he wants to be an entrepreneur and a rapper.
Never managed to make any meaningful money and refused to go to work or back to school.
My question, isn’t it possible that he or other similar persons have a psychiatric medical condition that is interfering with proper judgment. I appreciate there might be lists of other factors, but shouldn’t we try to offer them medical help?
I am not sure if withdrawing support where will leave him? Maybe homeless, dry addict or suicidal. Those are my fears
Many thanks
I need help. In 2003 I started dating my wife who had 2 daughters. 4 and 18 months. I have always thought of them as mine and for the most part the feeling was mutual. I have showered them with all the things I didn’t have, and felt like maybe they will pass on those things to their kids and show some gratefulness or appreciation. I have bought new vehicles for them as they graduated high school, and pay tuition for my oldest daughter. My younger daughter chose a different path. I pay for her off campus apartment that she never stays in, car payment, insurance, phone, etc. She is currently in her senior year and in a paid internship. Works in the summer and I’ve created situations where she uses those earnings for certain bills to teach budgeting and what not. What’s the problem? She has a boyfriend of nearly 5 years. Her boyfriend lives with us when she’s at home. During her internships, summer, every weekend she comes home. It started as a convenience as it was a shorter trip to school. Well he is graduated and in his second year of his professional life as a pharmacist. Yes a pharmacist. He contributes absolutely nothing. For the last 2 years he wakes up eats breakfast, takes a shower, leaves for work, comes home, eats whatever he can find or will cook for the two of them. Tonight he stopped at the store, cooked two pieces of salmon on my stove, 15’ away, for him and my daughter. He invested in a house next to us and made nearly 100k. I forced him to pay a propane bill for about $500 once last year. I guess what I’m saying is it’s the principle. Am I expecting too much. He’s 26. She’s 22. He shows no sign of finding a place. I don’t want my feelings of his ignorance and lack of effort to contribute to effect my long term feelings of him and my daughter. We’ve had this conversation multiple times. All it does is create frustration from me. I feel used.
Last Mother’s Day, there was a brisket thawing in our kitchen sink. Under the impression my daughter and boyfriend were cooking a Mother’s Day dinner, it was much to our surprise they had planned to cook his mom the brisket for a “family” dinner at his mothers house. Right now there are 9 porterhouse steaks in my garage freezer. There are exactly 9 people in that “family” including my daughter. Instead of saying anything I’m giving one last chance to see if my intuition is correct. If it is, I feel like I’m going to have to give him a deadline. I would do anything for my daughter, even compromise my sanity, to make sure she knew I love her.
Please someone tell me I’m not overreacting. It’s not about food, or money. It’s about being an adult and offering a contribution as a working professional. If you have no problem taking advantage of my generosity, what will it be like behind closed doors with my daughter? If those doors ever become your own.
Middle child, son, 22 still living at home refuses to help out in any way. If asked to help out with a chore, it could take up to a couple of weeks, if it even gets done. He will hold a job for a month or two, sometimes as little as 1 week, with the excuse that he didn't like it or its not helping him grow as a person. He states that he refuses to stick to any job that doesn't make him happy. He is not aggressive or angry, doesn't steals, hardly goes out, doesn't interact with hardly anyone. He does smoke week, drink beer but doesn't get drunk. What he does do, is that any conversation with anyone about anything becomes a debate. Everyone is wrong, he is right. My youngest is starting to mimic his behavior. I have asked him to move out, nicely and rudely, he says ok, but never does. He claims that he didn't ask to be born, therefore its my responsibility to care for him. And if there are so many things to do around the house and I have the energy to work 2 jobs, why don't i take care of them. I am to the point that i just want to disappear! I feel ive approached the situation in a civilized way, in an agry way and even emotional way and nothing works. I have cut off any loans and favors, stopped buying the food he likes and even started to be territorial about my living room and tv when im home. Nothing phases him.
How to deal with this situation? How do i avoid feeling like my existence is not needed?
Thank you for sharing your story. I can understand you're frustration. It's one shared by many parents of adult children. We suggest developing a formal living agreement with your son that outlines expectations and includes a timeline for when those expectations aren't met. You can find information on living agreements in this article: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/
We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
Ed,
I have done what your are contemplating,ie,moving out of our house. I had to draw a line in the sand so I moved out and gave my son two weeks to get out. My son is nearly forty and I've had over twenty years of dealing with all the issues that you and other folks on this site talk about. Enough is enough.
It's tough love but it's our house (parents). We worked hard to get it and as we age we deserve to live peaceful lives without the abuse and the emotional and financial stress our immature and overly dependent children put us through.
Only drastic measures will change the outcome. Move out. Expect to be blamed, threatened, abused by phone or messages, all the usual stuff but do it for your own sanity.
I was called a "coward" by my son for moving out, but it was that or getting to the point where his rage when I challenged him would possibly lead to violence. What father or mother wants to have a physical altercation their child? It's been hard to get my wife fully on board with what I've done, but she suffers the same stress that I do and she wants my son to become independent. I'm adamant that the situation is going to end, even if I have to take out a restraining order on my son. He needs to grow up and face the hard realities of life most of us go through without being enabled by Mommy and Daddy. If it means I no longer have any type of relationship with him, so be it. I have another child at home and my wife to consider and they deserve a break from this entitled, angry, selfish person whose whole life revolves around himself.
We have several articles on adult children living at home you may find helpful (including one that has a living agreement template). You can find those articles here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/ages-and-stages/adult-children/.
We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Take care.
I have three sons 2 of who live with their father. My problem is with my youngest who is 25 years old. At one point, all three lived with me and nobody helped out financially. I had to get on them about cleaning up. I was working full-time, doing Lyft on the side and going to school - I am in my 50s and have MS. Thank GOD that I am still at 100%. Decided everyone had to go and my youngest one’s plans didn’t work out. He moved into my 1 bedroom with me but the manager gave me a hard time and wouldn’t add him to the lease. Moved after 1 ½ months to another apartment. So he’s with me and had a few issues with jobs but landed a solid one with the government right before covid. He is also taking some courses at the local community college. The agreement was that he would only stay with me for a bit, get it together and get out. We’ve been at it for a couple years. When he was young, there were some things that happened to him as a kid in school, inappropriate behavior of an adult (found out earlier this year) when he was younger.
He has a major chip on his shoulder and is mad at everyone. Very abrasive in the way he speaks to people (mostly his family) in an attempt to protect himself from not taking shit off of anyone. You can’t say much to him without him getting upset or mad. I can be talking to him and say something that he takes issue with. I will get the silent treatment for weeks…..in my own home. He doesn’t want to clean up or keep his things up. While he’s gotten better, if I ask him to take the trash out today it will sit for 1-2 additional days. Or unless it starts to smell and I get tired of waiting for him to take it out. Can’t discuss anything with him because he becomes defensive about everything. He thinks that he is equal to me when the only bill he’s asked to pay is the internet and he gets his own food. I’ve made a number of sacrifices for all of my sons but I’ve put in a bit more time with this son. Part of it is because of the things I’ve known he’s been through and his father not really spending time with him. He didn’t put in time with the other two either but it seemed more so with our youngest.
Since living with me over the last 3 years, his behavior has become increasingly defensive and nasty. The conversation could be something simple, it could be me asking about his plans and it will go left. I will say something with no malice or ill intent but he’ll get mad and then starts the silent treatment. I have no intention of spending the rest of my life living like this. I won’t be held hostage in my home. I love my son but I don’t like him at all. While I am hoping that he will get some counseling and try to work on himself, I refuse to be his punching bag. I am renting and hoping to buy a home in 2021 (fortunate to still have my job). Sometimes, I think about moving out and leaving him here. There are areas I dropped the ball with him and feel in some instances, have enabled him. We try to help them to protect them from life’s bumps when we need to let them bump their heads. I don’t know what to do but I know I am tired. If I can get out here work, go to school and grind so can he.
Our daughter is almost 20 years old. She is trouble free (no drugs,cursing, alcohol or similar) and a A+ student, now in college.
But she is lazy. She does not do any tasks around the house, supported by my wife who claims she rather does the work on her own, because our daughter would not dot it the right way regardless.
Now she is in college. She expects us to drive her to and from college, and then to and from work every week. Never did she talk to us about this setup, or asked any questions how to handle it. When told to learn how to use the bus (or offered to get a driver license), she has only excuses, and makes statements like 'then I wont go to work anymore'.
Any advise?
My son is 44 years old. He has been in and out my home twice,married once now divorced had worked for more than 10 years,unemployed no working part-time and again living home.
He is the type of person whose paycheck disappears the same day. Once with out money, I am his personal banker. "I will pay back"... Yeah right! I worked for 30 years, now retired. My income is monthly and I pay every bill and single thing. Once he doesn't get his way, he become verbally abuse screaming beautiful term of endearments from a to z. He doesn't help nor pay back whatever he needs to pay. He is a very disorganized and messy. I'm so frustrated since he is always saying he is tired of living at my place and can't wait to move out, that he hate and can't wait for me to drop dead. Meanwhile he doesn't saved a nickel, and spend his money on clothes, and whatever he wants. All my family wants me to move to Florida, but I don't like it because I has been living in up state NY. Sincerely, one of these days, I probably get a heart attack, and drop dead.
Hi, rkj.smile. We've worked with many parents of adult children who have shared similar stories, so, you're not alone. There are a couple things to keep in mind when parenting an adult child. First, your parental role changes when your child turns 18, from that of a manager to more of a consultant. Your son is free to make his own choices, good or bad, and is 100% responsible for the choices he makes. The second thing to keep in mind is that you are no longer responsible for your son financially, and anything you choose to provide is just that, a choice. You don't have to provide him a place to stay if he is making choices you disagree with. You may want to review out other adult child articles here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/ages-and-stages/adult-children/.
We appreciate you reaching out and wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.
I hade to be caregiver to my mom Plus I was an unwed mother and worked 50 plus hours a week I had to learn how to juggle all three job and I feel all this made my son a better person In kindergarten, he had a disabled speech teacher When I would meet with her. she regaled me for having such a sweet thoughtful child Taking from my example he did what he could to help his teacher out. Sometimes I just wanted to throw in the towel but I'm glad
I never did Today my son and his wife has to be my caretaker {I'm suffering from the results of a stroke} I feel guilty but they both assure me It's okay
Our 20 year old son repeatedly refused to obey the rules set out in order to live in the family home. Rules such as no drugs in the house, be home by midnight, reasonable considering we both work, need to get up early, that there are 3 much younger siblings etc
He was arrested 3 times in the last year, for badly beating his girlfriend in a drunken and high rage, smashing his car in a neighbor's garden, high and drunk driving,
Therapy was encouraged and offered, college paid for, which he dropped out of, he quit his part time job,
On and on.
Eventually I told him to not return home. Not in anger or as a punishment.
But as an attempt to make our son take responsibility for himself, his future, his actions.
He lived on the streets for months until it was too cold. The police keep moving him on, I gave him food but no money, yet he had money for drugs.
I am devastated as he has been thrown out of 2 homeless shelters, continues to use people with no care for their welfare.
Anyou one that can share any insights, ideas,
Reading all of these posts makes me feel a little bit better about my own situation. I have a total of 5 children (three biological and two step daughters) ranging in ages of 14 to 21.
My son (who lives with his girlfriend) has not caused me any burdens. Even though he had a hard time finding a job, he never tried to free load off of me.
Now, my adult daughters on the other hand are.... to be blunt... worthless. Two of then went and got pregnant, one of them twice by two seperate men, so now I have both of them in my house, with my grandchildren (2, 2, and 4). Both work, but because of no true skill set (or work ethic) they are in the minimum wage bracket. None of the fathers help out, and I'm busting my butt, working two full time jobs to try and stay afloat. My wife is aggravated (more with my daughter than hers... go figure) and I'm fed up with all of them. When told to do something around the house, they just talk about how "tired" they are and how hard they work. Whatever!
I have hinted, out right told them, and once even blew my top; trying to get them to understand what a burden they are. They do not provide anything as far as rent, electric/utilities, gas, etc... when asked to chip in, they act like my wife and I are the burden and are being unfair.
The AC or heat is running... well, let's open up the window and doors... let's turn all the lights on in the house, never sweep or wash a dish, have mom wash our clothes, etc...
This crap has been going on for over two years. I cook, clean, repair, fund, purchase, blah, blah, blah. Then they want to sit and tell me about some friends BS drama or how someone's doing so good in life. Let me simply say "I don't care!" I have had to put my dreams and ambitions on hold because they are unable to provide and or sustain themselves or my grandchildren (yep, that's where they got me).
I often times feel like a guest in my own home. Yes, I love them, but I am at the point that I do not like them. I have provided support to the best of my abilities when they were growing up, but all they want to do is point out the parental shortcomings of my wife and I when we try to get them to do better.
So now let's talk about my other step daughter, who I just recently was able to get out of the house. She moved in with a friend of hers and her friends boyfriend. I told my wife that issues were going to come out of that arrangement and yep, they sure did.
Seems that my wonderful daughter was able to inject herself into the friends relationship, resulting in the relationship ending between the two individuals. Now my wonderful step daughter is now living with and dating the same guy and none of them understand why I think she is in the wrong... wtf?!?... I tell you folks, you cant make this kind of crap up!
None of these "joys of life" we're raised this way. They were taught the difference between right and wrong and taught to work in and at life (or so I thought... jokes on me I guess)
I know that this post is rambling and I apologize for that. I am just so ticked off and angry that I needed to vent, and none of this even begins to truly cover how crappy my house has become both litteraly and figuratively.
I'm sooo relieved after reading this article!!! I have many times rented homes for My 32 yo daughter who has 3 beautiful children who has many times messed it up. She is diagnosed bipolar and often stops her meds as well as drinks alcohol until drunk. I tried one last time to help only to have my daughter physically attack me as well as the police officer. She went
To jail, only to have my sister Get her out.
Now six months later I'm the object of the harassing emails and texts again from my sister who got her out of jail as well as my daughter who wants money again. I said no more this time and mean every word. I even moved out of state. Even though I've called police and DEFACS no one will help me stop to the harrassment. I'm 100% DONE !!!
desperate983
I hear
you.It can be quite difficult to set
limits with your child when you are worried about how he might respond.If you have not already done so, I recommend reading
the https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/failure-to-launch-part-3-six-steps-to-help-your-adult-child-move-out/, which outlines how you can start setting and
enforcing your own boundaries with your son.In addition, if you are concerned that your son might be suicidal or try
to harm himself, I encourage you to contact the http://www.samaritans.org/ at 116
123, and develop a plan to keep your son safe.I recognize how challenging this situation
must be for you, and I wish you and your family all the best moving forward.Take care.
@Sue
I hear you.It can be
so frustrating when you are in a cycle of your adult children not meeting their
responsibilities, and then you respond by paying their bills and rescuing
them.Ultimately, you cannot make your
adult children behave in a certain way; you can only control your responses and
actions. If you have not already done so, I encourage you to read the https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/failure-to-launch-part-3-six-steps-to-help-your-adult-child-move-out/, which discusses setting and enforcing boundaries
with your adult children.I also
recommend https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ with each of your children which outlines your expectations
for their behavior while they are living in your home.I recognize how difficult this situation must
be for you, and I wish you all the best moving forward.Take care.
Guess
Son amd daughter-in-law think we are bank.she has been in and out of school.son is survice for emt service makes good money two boys 6 and 8.allways asking for bailouts.we give them 700.00 last month.i get 700.00 a month.i pay 150.00 school loan 70 a month for grandson med.ever month.she is bypolor. Im afraid she will not let me see boys. Now she needs 300 for lights or they will turn off momday.i fight with depression all the time.and this makes it worse. I hate to see grandkids do without.i have never said no.my husband and i fight all the time about this.but i feel guilty. I was raised without.from one home to other.and now to turn then down. But she buys cigarette. They get together with friends and party at each others home but that takes snacks and beer.boys need clothes i buy that i buy picture. Im at my ends.they said we do without for are kids. I dont feel they do..
@Guess
I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you are having with
your son and his family.I speak with
many parents who describe similar frequent financial bailouts for their adult
children, so you are not alone.I
encourage you to read the https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/failure-to-launch-part-3-six-steps-to-help-your-adult-child-move-out/, which discusses how you can reestablish some limits
with your son and his family.I hear
your concern for your grandchildren, and how setting firmer boundaries might
affect them.Ultimately, you are the one
who can best judge what you are, and are not willing to live with.I recognize how difficult this must be for
you, and I wish you all the best moving forward.
gpink
Thank you for your question.Parenting differences are quite common, and can be even greater in a
blended family.Something that can be
useful is to talk with your fiancée privately during a calm time about your
concerns, as indicated in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-blended-family-wont-blend-help-part-i-how-you-and-your-spouse-can-get-on-the-same-page/.As I indicated in my
previous comment, sometimes it can also be beneficial to involve a neutral
third-party, such as a marriage/family therapist, to help you and your fiancée to
work together to resolve this issue.Take care.
gpink
We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and
sharing your story.I’m sorry to hear
about the struggles you are experiencing in your relationship with your fiancée
as a result of his son’s behavior. Because we are a website aimed at helping
people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and
suggestions we can give regarding whether you should stay in your relationship.
It may be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for
addressing your particular issues. The http://www.211.org/ is a referral service available 24 hours a day,
nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services
available in your area such as counselors, support groups as well as various
other resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222. We wish
you the best going forward. Take care.
I have a situation and need to know what to do without causing a lot more issues. I have four adult children and two of them are relying completely on me for financial and emotional support. The youngest one is 19 years old and a freshman in college. She has moved out into an apartment near the college, the agreement her and I have is that I am to pay to her rent and utilities. This has escalated into me paying her rent, utilities, cell phone, car insurance, food, gasoline, and anything that needs to come up for school that is needed. My portion went from $425.00 a month to $700 a month. I'm a single mom that makes less then $60,000 a year, I cant afford this. She likes to make me feel guilty if she is wanting money and I don't have it to give.
Then we go to the 20 year old daughter with a 9 month old baby and another one due in January. She was living with her older boyfriend that after he found out she was pregnant with his second child a banded her three states away with nothing but a suitcase and a diaper bag. Everything that had been bought for the baby is totally gone along with all her belongings. I got her flown in to me and want to help her as much as I can. She of course is currently pregnant and I don't expect her to try to find a job at this time but do expect her to pull her weight around the house. I also expect her to get her GED. She dropped out of her last semester of high school. She plays the blaming game on that, she blames her dad and then she will be blames me.
This girl doesn't do anything but watch TV all day. We live in a very safe apartment complex that right outside the door is a courtyard, she wont even step out with my grandson to get some fresh air unless I'm with her. She has lived with me for 5 months now and its like pulling teeth to get her to meet anyone her age or other single mothers just to talk to. I work 60 hours a week and when I get home am tired and at times will go straight to bed. She doesn't seem to get it that I cant be at work all day and come home to play host to her or babysit all night while she plays a game.
I am physically and mentally drained. This was suppose to be the time in my life of living for myself, but instead find myself taking vacation days to take my daughter or grandson to the doctor because she doesn't drive and doesn't want to learn. When payday comes around after my youngest daughter's bills, my rent and car payment, there is verily enough to buy food.
Their father lives in Alaska with his new wife and will sporadically send my youngest daughter money although she never tells me how much or when. I would hope she wouldn't lie to me but know she has lied to her father about situations and money. He will also send the other daughter a few things every once in a while like a t shirt or a new outfit for the baby. Every little bit helps.
What do I do? How do I get these girls to take responsibility for themselves? How do I motivate the 20 year to help herself and her children?
It's like I'm stuck with no end breaking free in site.
Please help.
Flat broke and Tired Old Mom
@FlatBrokeNTiredOldMom
I hear how much you are struggling with your daughters’
choices, and I’m glad that you are reaching out for support.On one hand, you want to help your daughters as
much as you can; on the other, it sounds like the way things are going right
now is not working for you.It’s
important to keep in mind that your daughters are both adults, and so anything
you decide to provide to them is considered a privilege for them, and a choice
for you.This includes things like
financial assistance, childcare and transportation.If you have not already done so, I encourage
you to read https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/failure-to-launch-part-3-six-steps-to-help-your-adult-child-move-out/, which outlines setting and enforcing boundaries
for yourself regarding your daughters’ behavior.In addition, you might also consider https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ for your older daughter, which outlines your
expectations for her behavior while she is living with you.I recognize what a difficult situation this
must be for you, and I wish you and your family all the best moving forward.Take care.
George2legit
I hear you.It can be
really difficult when you feel as though your stepdaughter is not meeting her
responsibilities and feel powerless to change it.At this point, it can be helpful to https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-blended-family-wont-blend-help-part-i-how-you-and-your-spouse-can-get-on-the-same-page/ to come to an agreement about
what the expectations are for your stepdaughter while she is living with
you.After your conversation, it can be
useful to https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ which outlines these rules, and how she will be held
accountable if she is not following them.I recognize how challenging this must be for you, and I wish you and
your family all the best moving forward.Take care.
Hurtful mom
I’m so sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing with your son, and
I’m glad that you have found this article helpful.If you have not already done so, I encourage
you to read https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/failure-to-launch-part-3-six-steps-to-help-your-adult-child-move-out/, which outlines how you can set and enforce
boundaries with your son.I also hear
your concern that your son might try to hurt you, or access your bank accounts
without your permission.It could be
helpful to develop a plan you can follow to stay safe, as well as talking about
your concerns with your bank to see what safeguards are in place to keep your
accounts secure.Although you did not
state that your son has become physically abusive toward you, you might find
additional useful information in our article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/signs-of-parental-abuse-what-to-do-when-your-child-or-teen-hits-you/.I wish you all the best moving forward.Take care.
Nojoy
I’m so sorry to hear about what you are experiencing with
your son right now, and I’m glad that you are reaching out for support. I
can understand the difficulty in setting firm limits with your son when he
threatens to harm or kill himself in response. At this point, I encourage
you to take these statements seriously and develop a plan you can implement if
he is talking about killing himself. By following through on a safety
plan, you are helping to keep him safe and getting him the help he needs if he
is serious. In addition, if he is making these statements as a form of
manipulation, you are communicating that this is not an effective way to meet
his needs by following through on a safety plan. For assistance in
developing this plan, I encourage you to contact the http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). I also recommend contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222 for information
about additional resources available in your community to help you and your son
at this time. I recognize how challenging this must be for you, and I
wish you and your family all the best moving forward. Take care.
I have 4 adult children. Two are managing independently but the two youngest, 24 and 27 are not. They have bouts of living on their own or with someone else. Both left home very early (16) because they didn't want to follow house rules. They have been in and out of the house ever since. Time periods range from several months to a few weeks. All of it at our expense.
This last year we finally put our foot down. It was extremely hard. I feel like a really bad parent BUT after sacrificing most of our financial well being to keep these two young divas "comfortable" I said enough is enough. My husband is less tolerant. He sees they are being exploitative and manipulative. I feel because the left home so early, they never really matured in the right ways.
The youngest has a child but never had a job longer than a few weeks. She has no husband or steady boyfriend. She lives off the system and has come very close to losing her child. We stepped in and cared for the baby for several months but it didn't help. Now we find out she's pregnant again under the same circumstances, so we have officially cut her off.
She's leaning on her new boyfriend and his parents to care for her and her child. We no longer allow her to manipulate us but we are sad about the baby.
She is spiteful and angry over our decision so rarely see her or our grandchild. As painful as this is, we have to accept it. She was a huge drain on us in many ways. After a 4 year cycle of this, we finally said: no more
The older one 27, has a good job but lives in the basement of her boyfriend's parents. Neither of them contribute very much. Both have good jobs and enjoy many luxuries. Luxuries they wouldn't have if they had to pay rent and other expenses that come with independent adulthood. The older one doesn't like to take the bus so she frequently wants to stay at our house so she can walk to work. She does buy her own food but often had to supplement her menus with food from our pantry. She enjoyed free room and board, internet, laundry and all the perks of a home without actually having to buy or rent a home. When she was in our home, she basically took over the house and treated us like we were invading her space. The last round of her freeloading ended very badly. We said she needed to grow up and either get her own apartment or take the bus to work like everyone else.
She didn't really care what we had to say because she floats back to her boyfriend's house, where his parents enable their dependency. She shows very little appreciation or gratitude for staying with us free of charge.
All of this has created very bad feelings in the family because these two adult children have exploited their older siblings in the same way and their grandparents in the same way. They invade our homes, rarely pay their way or contribute when needed. When we try to draw clear boundaries, they blame us for being mean to them. I'm actually ashamed at their behavior. It embarrasses me among my other family members. I feel partly responsible for raising two horribly selfish young women.
Yet no matter what anyone says to them, they feel like the injured party because no one wants to foot the bill for them or put up with their selfish behavior.
I empathize with every parent going through similar situations with their adult children. It's very difficult to remain neutral and stand up for what we deserve as parents which is just a little respect and appreciation for all our years of dedication and hard work in raising our children. Certainly not perfect but definitely invested. I only hope one day they will both grow up and realize the damage they've created in their family. For now, we keep them at arms length.
Sargent1
It’s not uncommon to have parenting differences with your
spouse, and these can be even greater within a blended family. It can be
useful to sit down with your wife during a calm time, and try to https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-blended-family-wont-blend-help-part-i-how-you-and-your-spouse-can-get-on-the-same-page/ when it comes to finances and your stepson. In some
situations, it can also be useful to involve a neutral third party, such as a
marriage/family counselor, who can help you to develop a plan to move forward
together. For assistance locating this, and other supports, in your
community, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at
1-800-273-6222. I recognize what a difficult situation this must be for
you, and I wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.
Girliegirl
I hear you. I speak with many parents who describe
similar situations, so you are not alone. Something to keep in mind is
that, in general, people do not change if they are comfortable with their
circumstances. If your son currently has his needs met without working,
then it’s not likely that he will be motivated to find a job and provide for
himself. While you cannot make him start working, you can start setting
limits and making him uncomfortable using the privileges you provide to
him. Even if you have enabled your son in the past, it’s https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/its-never-too-late-7-ways-to-start-parenting-more-effectively/. You might start by https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/, which outlines your expectations for his behavior,
and how you will hold him accountable. Please be sure to write back and
let us know how things are going. Take care.
toots86
It can be quite frustrating when you and your child have
different expectations for her behavior while back in your home. We hear
from many parents who wonder if they have unreasonable expectations for an
adult child, so you are not alone. One helpful guideline to use is the
“neighbor test”; that is, what would you expect if it were someone other than
your child living in your home? What would you expect from a tenant or a
long-term houseguest? Once you have determined your rules and boundaries,
I encourage you to https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ with your daughter which outlines these expectations.
Please be sure to let us know if you have any additional questions; take care.
@Anna
I hear you. It can be very frustrating when you
continue to provide for a young adult, and in return you receive unkindness and
ingratitude. Something to keep in mind is that people do not tend to
change until they are uncomfortable. It sounds like this is a pretty
comfortable situation for your son to have his bills paid and needs met without
working, so it makes sense that he would not be motivated to change at this point.
You cannot “make” your son change, yet you can set boundaries with your son
that can make him uncomfortable. The limits that you have set with
your son about discontinuing your financial support after August 2017 sound
reasonable. At this point, you might also plan for how you can stay firm
on your boundaries, even if your son chooses not to find a job or attend
counseling, or if he cannot keep his apartment. Sometimes, it can be
helpful to work directly with someone, like a counselor, who can help you
develop this plan. For assistance finding these resources in your
community, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at
1-800-273-6222. I recognize how difficult this situation must be for you,
and I hope that you will write back and let us know how things are going for
you and your family. Take care.
Baby sitting grown men
Many parents feel overwhelmed and frustrated with their
adult children who are not acting like adults, so you are not alone. It
sounds like you are unhappy with your sons’ actions, and the impact it is
having on you and your life. I often remind parents that change typically
comes as a result of feeling uncomfortable with the ways things are going, and
this goes for you as well as your sons. If they are okay with what is
currently happening in their lives, it is not likely that they will be
motivated to make any changes. While you cannot make them change, you do
have control over how you respond to their actions. Something else to
keep in mind is that, even though your sons might not be acting like
responsible, capable adults, they are still adults. As such, anything you
decide to provide to them is considered a privilege for them and a choice for
you. This includes things like a place to live, spending money,
transportation, internet access, money for tuition, and so on. At this
point, you might find it useful to write up a https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ with each of your sons which outlines your expectations for them
while they are living in your home, and what you are willing to provide in
return. In the meantime, I encourage you to focus on yourself, and your
interests. Self-care is an often overlooked, yet important part of
effective parenting, and can also be a way to set boundaries for yourself with
your sons. Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are
going for you and your family. Take care.
What about a married 38 yr old with 2 teen stepchildren and has been sick mostof her life now she is having seizures? We feel the need to help and we want to, however we are exhausted and my husband is afraid to retire. Please advise as to how we can let her and her
Husband assume debt and how can I get rid of guilt. We have another child who died at 26 and we are so afraid fou remaining child.
@Jac
I’m so sorry to
hear about the loss of your child, as well as the health issues of your
remaining daughter. It’s understandable that you would feel exhausted,
guilty and afraid to take a step back from the assistance you are
providing. It’s also understandable that you might be concerned about
your own financial stability as you look toward possible retirement. As
pointed out in the next article in this series, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/failure-to-launch-part-3-six-steps-to-help-your-adult-child-move-out/, one next
step could be to assess what your boundaries are, and what you are (or are not)
willing to continue to provide to your daughter and her family. You might
also consider doing some research with your daughter about possible community
resources which might be able to assist her and her family if you are no longer
providing the current level of financial support. One place to start
might be the http://www.211.org/. 211 is a
service which connects people with local resources, and you can reach them by
calling 1-800-273-6222. I recognize how difficult this must be for you,
and I wish you all the best as you continue to move forward. Take care.
@Lost in Kentucky
It can be pretty frustrating
when you and your spouse are not on the same page when it comes to parenting,
and it can become even more challenging when you are in a blended family.
As James Lehman points out in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-blended-family-wont-blend-help-part-i-how-you-and-your-spouse-can-get-on-the-same-page/, the people who really have to come together are you and your
husband. Sometimes, it’s useful to involve a neutral third-party, such as
a marriage/family counselor with experience working with blended families, in
order to help you develop a plan which you and your husband can both
follow. For assistance locating counselors, and other supports in your
community, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at
1-800-273-6222. Please be sure to write back and let us know how things
are going for you and your family. Take care.
To the people who had the courage to acknowledge they suffer from one of the unfortunate adjectives to describe how your life is currently projecting I say BRAVO.
I found all 3 articles today on this subject and feel it's MY FIRST STEP to gaining my INDEPENDENCE. My son is 33 year old , college grad , father not married of our only precious grandson, who smokes too much Cannabis and use our emotional buttons to live and feast on us as a parasite! I now realize my fear that his wings are to brittle to leave the NEST .....for fear of winding up in Jail,or homeless on the streets.....is simply my FEAR and not Reality.
I will Pray tonight for all of your Parents they somehow stumble on these "Failure to Launch" articles quickly before their own lives sink into a dark ABYSS !
riderofthestorms
We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and
sharing your story. It sounds like you are really hurt by both your
brother’s and your parents’ actions over the years, and I’m very sorry to hear
about the death of your fiancée. Even though it sounds as though you feel your
options are limited at this point, I hope that you are getting some support and
finding ways to take care of yourself. If you are interested in finding
local support in your area, the 211 National Helpline is a referral service
available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the
types of support services available in your area such as therapists, career
counseling, support groups as well as various other resources. You can reach
the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging onto http://www.211.org/. We wish you the best going forward.
Take care.
I am a 24 year old slug. most likely clueless slug, ironically i am (or wasnt until starting to write this sentence) sure about that. But it seems to fit.
I live with my mother.
on the plus side i DO go to a therapist, and have been to psychological clinics. I find it hard working on myself, and I hit metaphorical walls all the time, even at times i am at a standstill already.
as mentioned somewhere (i forget things but i think it was mentioned) many of us slugs lack "motivation".
at some point, a few years back, i got a really really close friend (didnt have that till then), and he proved to be quite motivating, we spend a lot of time and had a lot in common, that and the therapy seemed to be enough to somehow get me back on track.
now that this friendship is over (for good unfortunately) I am back at feeling unmotivated.
Oh what i mean with motivation is, the energy to do things, everything from washing and shaving yourself regulary to going to work or go for a walk etc.
that extremely close friendship gave me that energy.
family or something as vague like a "potential future" never seemed to do the trick, if anything they (the latter) got me motivated and energized for a few hours, and very rarely so.
what i am trying to say: I think many slugs lack "propper" happiness. there is "distractions" from how much of a slug I am, like the internet or (not for me-) drugs and stuff, but somehow, ways to archive "healthy motivating" happiness seem to be rare and hidden to me.
one way that I am wanting to try out (again with the help of my therapist and a clinic) is to pick one thing that i always (emotionaly) wanted to be/have/do and with the help (and aproval) of the therapists in the clinic pursue only that, and only after archiving this emotional goal (that in theory keeps giving once i have it) will i concentrate on work, my own flat etc.
its a theory, not yet talked through with my therapist, however in recent years its always been about "talking about whats bad" and "making me able to work/function again" and THAT never worked for long. I think you need some "base" to operate from, and logically, that might be my family, but emotionally i dont have that.
i am writing that because I think there should be some slugs-point of views in here, and maybe also to check if my thoughts make any sense, if maybe someone can even relate to it, understand it, or write a critical yet cleverish comment about why "my logic is (maybe) flawed"
cheers
slug92
@u2treasure,
I feel like you were writing this on my behalf. I can so relate to on on so many levels and I feel for you. Please know your not a lone and unfortunately there arw parents out there who are dealing with the same issues. Our son moved our a week ago because the proverbial crap hit the fan and he said some things that were unexceptable. He's now living with a friend and his parents. The thing that bothers me the most is he will take advantage of them like he did us.
Best of luck to you and don't let this destroy your life.
After reading this article I am angry, frustrated and choked up. My son is 18 and avoids everything. He finished high school because I made him go to adult ed. He declared he didn't want to go to college right away, he dosn't know what to study, what to do with his life, he doesn't want to be part of the capitalist 'machine', a 'government drone'. While I understand the normal rebellion of a teenager, at some point I figured he'd want to be independant, autonomous, have his own spending money... He was going to get a job to put money aside for an education. But, he only wants a job he will 'like'. Nothing boring or demanding or aggravating. *SIGH*.
he's been sitting in his room for months, watching TV, smoking up, texting, being moody, defensive....While we buy 300$ groceries every week... (we are 3, my son, my husband and I..and the dog)
I guess I need to learn more on how to teach him to "launch".
Thanks for posting this Kim Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner.
I'm disabled with my hubby in Afghanistan.my son who's bipolar .I've once thought was just the only reason he was this way.but he's demanding.self entitlement issues have brought me to a point where I don't know now how to stop enabling him. I've paid rent when he quits jobs.I've paid his classes on probabtion when I know he's smoking.
I don't want him homeless.he's23.I don't want him I prison.soo what do I do.
it's ! nearly a yr I'm still helping him financially.
I don't want to be angry or resentful.but he doesn't get it or does he.
I'm sad.most of the time our now relationship is terrible.We were close once. Now I try to help him and he takes advantage saying I owe him.
what do I owe him? I'm a good mother.
I'm tired of resenting him for not getting his life together.yes.it's hard.he's made a lot of mistakes but I can't fix it. I certainly can't control it.I don't want to.
I am sadly the significant other of a 32 yr old man who fits the "slug" profile. I am embarrassed to say that we share a place and it is currently being paid for by his mother.
I have really allowed myself to become someone I dislike in the past year and it's hard to even look at myself in the mirror. I am so ashamed of the lack of responsibility I show in my adult life, and it's really hard to get myself back in gear.
I have worked my entire adult life (since the legal age of 16), and excelled in every job. In fact, I am happiest when I am working and supporting myself. I have been out of work now for 1.5 years due to being laid off after the company I worked for closed. I collected unemployment for a while and when that stopped his mother started paying our rent /bills. I've really allowed myself to hide behind him, knowing that one way or another things will be paid. I know that sounds terrible, but it's really the truth. I believe this type of parenting has been the norm for my partner; he has always had a hard time making it to work on time and hasn't ever had a consistent job in the 4 years I've known him. He makes comments mocking his mother and has laughed at her willingness to do anything for him as if she's somehow less intelligent than him because of her enabling.
Anyhow, I have decided that I cannot take it anymore and I need to move in with my family and get back on my feet again. I can't continue to live this way, and I feel extremely depressed and lack motivation in that environment.
I would love to be able to tell his mother thank you but she really needs to know how much her help is hurting his development into a Man. She is sick of paying, this I know, but every time she says she won't pay, he ends up manipulating her and she does it anyway (He has a way of blaming everyone and she falls for it everytime).
How do I wake her from the insane behavior without looking like an ungrateful person who is trying to hurt her son?
Dawn12345
Thanks for checking in with your question, and I’m sorry to
hear about the challenges you are having with your son. It can be painful for a
parent to watch their adult child struggle, however, only you can control
whether or not you pay for his rent. It may be time to set a firm deadline for
your son, and then follow through, otherwise, his current pattern will
continue, as it sounds like he is comfortable with you paying his rent for him.
The reality is, people don’t often change when they are comfortable. You may
choose to provide him with a list of local resources and phone numbers for
housing or job-search assistance, and you might also look into some local
support for yourself, as it certainly will not be easy to watch your child try
to make it on his own. I wish you the best of luck with this going forward.
I have a 20 year old son that depends on me for everything but recently I was reconnected with my first love and my daughters biological father after 27 yrs. Anyways I have mentioned to my son that I want to move to surrey bc and he told me that I would be abandoning him and expet to never see or hear from him again that really hurts that's not my intention I've been single for 8 years now very lonely and want to live the life I want to. So I have decided in 4 months I'm going to move but in the meantime how do I tell my son I just want to be happy again
Lost and confused
Call her every week. Be her friend. After a particularly frustrating week with the man you have in common, she will open up to vent.
Tell her that you have found other parents in the same situation with their adult children. Point her to this website and insist that she read the comments section of any article she finishes.
Listen and pay attention. It's your que again when she second guesses herself. Tell her that her critical inner voice is lying, having been trained by her son for three decades.
Steer her to local professionals like Kim and Marney.
Also, be on the lookout for your own inner voice. You should let it alert you to bad behavior, not berate you from inside your head.