Grieving Your Child Who’s “Gone Wrong”

I love these articles because they tell me I’m not alone, when I can’t help like feel that this has to be my fault and only I am capable of messing things up this bad (though none of these things are true). The thing that never gets touched on howeverMore is after. These articles say set limits and love your child but what about when they ignore the rules, the consequences, the boundaries, the conversations? What about when their behaviour affects the rest of the family and you are stuck in the middle of trying to do what’s best for everyone? Then what?

Oh yes, I feel grief over the loss of my once healthy, handsome, smiling, athletic, drug free son. The marijuana has overtaken him these last 5+ years since he started vaping THC and nicotine in 8th grade. To see a picture of him from 9th grade on through who heMore is now is very different from the shiny eyed boy of pre school through 5th grade. I feel grief over the loss of my sweet, loving, carefree daughter, age 16 now. She did not turn to drugs but she turned from a person who used to call me the "safe parent" to a person who has not spoken to me in almost a year, preferring instead to rely on her mom, who was the one who yelled at her and her brother throughout their childhood and threw objects at them in order to get them to do what she wanted them to do, while I was at work and was unaware of what was going on. My wife, from shame and guilt, does whatever my daughter asks of her now. My daughter will not talk with me because I would insist on boundaries. My wife will not talk to me about it because she is afraid our daughter will leave our home if she sides with me. I was always involved in the kids school and sports lives, until a couple of years ago when I finally let go. I am powerless over drugs and other people's lives, even when they are my children. This is a painful truth to accept. It is difficult to watch the slow train wreck. I can always have those happy memories of the kids in their childhood. There are many. I feel once my daughter graduates high school this June, we will all go our separate ways. I will continue to try. I will continue to love and encourage my children when given the chance. Not what I expected when I got married over 20 years ago. Sadness and grief. Beyond belief.

My wife has used the tools offered here for 10 years and it's kept things under control more-or-less but I am afraid. It is so difficult parenting troubled kids. Do the best you can and know that's all that's expected. Eventually, it's all on them to grow up and makeMore good choices in life.

This article really hit home for me . I have been beating myself up thinking what I did wrong with my children . Have 24 year old twin daughters. Always good students until high school. Went downhill from there.went to college dropped out after 2 semesters. Worked here and there not currently working at all. Totaled car we bought them a year ago and now have a car again gifted by their brother but reuse to

Pay for insurance or gas. Disrespectful and fight with me all the time if I tell them they have to be responsible , don’t do any chores in the house either. Think life is a party . Stay on phone when home and never look for a job. I know I enabled them to be this way but don’t know how to fix their behavior at

This point . I too am grieving for what I had hoped for my daughters. I had hoped all my sacrifices would give them a good future. I will never give up

On them and hope they wake up someday and see they are going down a very bad road.

I finally understand why my Mom, who raised me for so many years by herself, says where is my sweet little "Chipper" . I really really miss him. He was so sweet and kind and loved me, now I got this mean old grump who doesn't love me anymore...lol. ThisMore always made me feel guilty. Now, My mother and I were together everyday until I was 7 years old and she dated men for extended lengths of time, and throughout this time my way of life was dictated by the partner. I realized very quickly the less I was seen the better off I was. So, I became severely independent and as soon as I hit 16 I was outta there. Now, she happily married for 12 years ,yea, with a man who lives 5 hours away. LONG STORY SHORT ... when a independent child sees a parent, 3 times a year because of another man who treats me like I'm not part of the family, that they have made with my step sister and step brother, Hell na, I don't want a relationship with you because your toxic.i understand I'm the recovering addict,I'm the boy that didn't become a veterinarian, yes I became like the person I spent my time with. I spent my time with lower class citizens due to my circumstances, but still a good father, Husband, Road and Bridge Engineer, "RoadDog" but your distance has saved you because it allows me to build a barrier, you some how taught me empathy though, I care about you thinking, that your Son, still loves you. Even then when whole heartily I would never be able to mourn you because I have never known you, and you have never accepted me, your still thinking the old me will reappear. LOVE is crazy. LIFE IS WHAT U MAKE OF IT. #powskisfinest

My sons aren’t serious problems, they’re just lazy. My older son is 24 and still has a semester left of college. He needs to get an apartment in the city where his school is but hasn’t really done anything toward that. He spends all day playing video games, which are a complete and total waste of time and kill brain cells, and doesn’t read books other than class requirements. (He took one on-line class this semester. Part of the reason he hasn’t graduated is because he doesn’t do on-line classes very well.) All his friends are on-line.

My younger son at least has a job and actual human friends, but he’s only working as a barista. He’s a really talented guitar player and artist but doesn’t use any of those skills.

I graduated from college at age 20 with a Summa cum Laude degree. By age 23 I had graduated from law school and started working as a lawyer. (To be fair, I was a terrible law student and have been extremely disappointed in myself.)

They’re nice kids, but I want them to set the world on fire. My cousins’ children all were top graduates of their schools and are poised to do extremely well in life. My sons’ friends from high school are all high achievers. Why are my sons such losers?

I'm devastated. For 26 years of his life there has always been him in my life. His dad left at 9. I was working mom he moved out a few years ago but we still had lots of contact. Got his own place. Several different girlfriends. Lockdown was hard. HeMore has ADHD . Always helped him with remembering stuff. Got new gf. Now says needs space from me. He says I have verbally assaulted her...not true. She lies to him but he can't see it. We were so close now he has cut me off completely. Won't explain why. I am totally lost...very emotional. Don't know what to do

I am glad to know I am not alone in feeling grief over my son's disrespectful behavior. He used to be so caring And thoughtful, now I'm lucky to receive a hug. He is only ten and I am not looking forward to his teen years!

His father and I are not together but he is in his life and we are able to coparent effectively.

As a younger child, he was very loving, eager to please and always happy. That all changed when he turned 7. It was gradual and he was diagnosed with ADHD with co morbid combination type and was put on meds to help him.

Fast forward to today and I cry at least once a week because he treats me so poorly. He talks to me like I am his enemy and I am losing my joy.

Thank you for listening.

I’m grieving the loss of my youngest. He went from being a caring sweet, talkative boy to a silent reclusive teen. He is pretty much totally shutdown and failing in HS. I don’t know how to get him to engage in his life and future.

Yes. I completely understand this article, because I believed I was alone in my sadness and grief over my beautiful daughter's change in behavior. And I didn't know it was okay to feel deep sadness and to grieve because of her turn for the worse behaviors. Thank you so muchMore for posting this article 💕

I am dealing with the same thing. My child always had potential , made the honor roll from 3-7 n 9th grades. Now he found new friends n smokes weed n maybe other stuff. He is very disrespectful n don’t care abt call consequences. We all tried to save him but he must do this himself.

I am so disappointed n don’t even like looking or speaking to him. Everyone said he is going to change but when? I am so tired. If behavior doesn’t change the AP stated that he will b referred to an alternative school. I really want him to attend so he can c/b in that type of environment… just maybe he will b grateful. His friends r

All Unfortunate n failing in school.

I am showing him tough love but it’s hard. Any suggestions he is on 15… this has been the worst year ever raising him

I ”lost” my daughter years ago but I didn’t know it then. She stopped talking to me. She was not rude but just cold. Then she said she was depressed. The thing is I didn’t see the depression. Oh yes she had bad days like everyone else. But she wasMore going out having fun getting hair and nails done like a normal girl. During lockdown she said she was feeling low so I got a puppy for her for £2500. She was so excited initially but that soon wore out. A puppy is like a child it’s hard work and she has never done any hard work in her life other than going to school even then she gave up university because she could not handle it. Anyway after lockdown she started resenting the puppy because she would go out come back at 2 in the morning then have to wake up early and attend to the puppy. Then she started crating the puppy for long periods. And then she told the brother that she did not even like it. So one evening we argued about her crating the puppy for too long. That’s when she said she had decided to move out and yes you guessed right leave the puppy behind. She blamed me for not supporting her through her mental illness. But she refused to talk to me. I suggested everything including seeing a counsellor together but she refused. I begged her to talk to me but she wouldn’t. She would talk to me once a day like “hi” and that was perhaps twice a week. Anyway by the time she moved out we were hardly talking. That’s not to say I didn’t try. I begged her to stay home talk to me but she refused. She was 23 then going on to 24. The day she moved out I asked her if she was happy and she replied she was. When I told her I was very sad she was leaving she said I was responsible for my own emotions. When I asked about the puppy she said she was collateral damage. That’s when I realised I did not know this girl. The daughter I thought I had was never there it was a figment of my own imagination. She left on the 29th May. In between there was her birthday and mine and both of us did not get in touch with each. For 4 months I was physically hurting. I couldn’t eat nor do anything. All that kept me going was the puppy that needed me. I never went to her bedroom because I could not face it. Then after 4 months I went in there one day and picked up bits and pieces she had left. I opened the windows and tidied up. That’s when I realised I was beginning to heal. I still love my daughter but if she doesn’t love me there is nothing I can do. Her last words are still echoing in my ears. Today I ordered new bedding for her bedroom because I want to change the look of it. I’m going to decorate it and move on. If one day she remembers she has a mother she knows where I am. In the mean time I will have to learn to live with the fact that I lost the most important person in my life either through ignorance or stupidity I don’t know. People say I should phone her but she said once she leaves she wants nothing to do with me. If I phone her and she rejects me I could never survive the pain. As it is I’m fine because I don’t know. I hope she is happy where she is. She called me a lot of things before she left but I understand she was angry with me for not acknowledging her mental health problems. I refuse to be sad anymore I’m moving on with my life with or without her.

Thanks so much for this article. It was both validating and helpful

With the pandemic our son spent the last year in school two days a week but refused to take responsibility and do his school work, his IEP Teacher went above and beyond her duties and with extra days at school he graduated with an advanced diploma. He was not theMore child we know and love, he lies, disrespectful to us and our home he won't clean his room or bathroom, his brand new car his narcissistic grandmother which he treats like crap. The other day he says he was going the take his thank you gift up the road to his IEP teacher, she is only two minutes up the road and he did not come back so I call him and ask where are you,he says he was getting gas and oh yeah I was going to call you (this was wed am)I won't be home till Sunday going to spend it with my friend at his friend's apartment... as his father I was crushed broken I cried in my wife's arms for two days we consoled each other. What did we do wrong where did we go wrong it hurt like breaking up with a girl friend in high-school grieving, hurting and broken hearted...

I feel like im grieving for my Eldest child, he was a perfect child, everything you could want from a son he's incredibly smart, a teachers dream, he went to Oxford University to study physics and everything he touched seemed to turn to gold, however i noticed a change inMore personality when he turned into a teenager, he became defiant argumentative and infantile in some of his ways, we fought and fell out many times but the last fall out was very bad 18 months ago, he doesn'tagree withmany of my views and were both very strong willed, we didn't speak for over a year and although we're sort of speaking now he will use any excuse not to visit and I'm not allowedto visit him, its killing me, I have 3 other sons who are amazing and also love and miss there brother but there is nothing we can do to resolve this rift, I think he feels its gone too far, I also feel guilty for leaving his natural father 22 years ago when he was 8 years old, could this have had a profound affect on him? He hardly sees his father and had nothing to do with his upbringing,he has had an amazing father figure in his life since the age of 9, I love my Eldest child so much that it hurts but I just don't know how to resolve things, I'm not getting any younger and I don't want him to regret anything.

I had no idea that somewhere like this existed for parents. There are no words for the joy of giving birth and there are no words for watching your child be unable to connect, even with you.

Up until about a year ago I had a really good relationship with my son, who has now just turned 16. He's an intelligent child who knows right from wrong. He's always been taught to be respectful and honest. Both parents, although divorced, are working and although we're not rich, money has never really been an issue. Over the last year however, his attitude has completely gone down hill.

He was arrested yesterday for armed robbery.

I am in a state of shock. I don't know who he is. He is in serious trouble and doesn't even seem to care. He argues with everyone around him. Police, judge, me.

I have completely lost him and feel that my heart has been shattered. I can't stop crying.

Thank you so much for this article! I have been struggling with a lot of grief and guilt over the person my son is becoming. He is 14 and was diagnosed with ADHD and Aspergers at around 5 years old. I new something was wrong since he wasMore 2. I have had hope for so many years that his social skills would improve, that his empathy for others would grow, and that his ability to manage his life would be built with excellent parenting. Believe me, he has received excellent parenting. I probably have a PhD in parenting a kid like him by this point. Unfortunately, I think we have hit a ceiling and now I feel like I need to come to terms with that and it is so hard!!! I honestly can't stand him at this point even though I try so hard to focus on his good points. He loves to learn, does not bully people, does his chores and his homework, gets to school every day, and behaves well at school. I should be so thankful! I see, however, that he is not capable of having close relationships of give and take, that he will probably not get married, that he is a bossy know-it-all, and still cannot chew with his mouth shut and stop picking his nose in public. He is a slob, and an internet addict (I have to moniter his screen time with a timer), and I wonder if he will be able to live independently without hunkering down in a creepy man-cave with pizza and a screen for his whole life. Please don't judge my feelings. I hope that there is some grace and maybe someone who can identify with my feelings. I want to appreciate him and maybe I will once he is not living in my house and I can experience smaller doses of him. Thank you for allowing me to share!

This is the very first which accurately described how I feel. Unfortunately the society and even therapists in their trial to help a family with a hard teenager they simply either blame the parent especially the mother. I was blamed to feel the loss of my dreams for my son.More I am asked to be someone I cannot be and it is merely painful.

Barbm123,

I am living the same parenting nightmare. my daughter has instead turned to sexual promiscuity and dabbles in alcohol and weed.

I adopted her at 6yo and the trauma, abuse and genetic predisposition to mental health issues have been a horrific combination. Yes, I feel so very sad for her. Physically, aching sad for her. But she too, cannot live in my home with her destructive behavior to me, our home and belongings and to herself. So, I grieve the loss of my daughter, I mourn and I feel sad. But I also had to set limits and boundaries to what was unacceptable behavior in a family and a home. She was in residential, she has had meds and therapy for years. She now refuses it all. 18yo and she knows best. She does not want to talk to me because I have "terms and conditions ". Yes, I do. As does the world. This is life. I pray for her constantly. But I know my limits and I am trying to work through the plethora of emotions, constantly swirling..

And I so APPRECIATE this article and those brave enough to share and comment on their stories. I have never talked about this with friends. Thank you for letting me know others are grieving their "loss" of a child.

In my case, it's my grandsons....my daughter, unfortunately, married a narcissist...the boys are currently in DCS custody due to his actions/reactions to certain situations...I am in no way saying she is innocent, but his actions caused the removal. The "system" has totally failed them in that none of them haveMore received the counseling they were promised and they are all acting out in various ways....from trying to run away to lying about homework,lying about their mom,and abusing family pets! I love them all dearly and it breaks my heart to think that even once they are home with mommy, these behaviors are going to take time to turn around...if ever.

I am having a hard time accepting me feelings. I guess i feel bad because i feel this is a judgement against me and against my best try in parenting not being what i hoped. I have to come to terms with these things but it feels hard sometimes toMore say the positive, even though its there, when his time is spent smoking weed rather than anything productive. It is disappointing and disillusioning. So do i just accept this is how it is and mourn? What about the consequences? He is not grown. I am so tired and grieved and sad and hurt. It feels like everything i sacrificed and poured into him and now i am left with disappointment and tears. I am sorry if this sounds bad, i am really struggling and want to do better.

Yes, I can relate to the article all too well. When my son was only 5 years old, as we were getting ready to go to the mall to see Santa and take a picture, I looked at him and asked, "What are you going to ask Santa for thisMore year?" Without hesitation, he looked up at me with his beautiful baby blues eyes and responded, "A happy family." My heart sunk. The reality hit me in the face at that one single moment. I thought I had been protecting him from the arguing between his father and I, but his words cut me like a knife. I promptly sought couples therapy for my husband and I to try and salvage our marriage. After almost 2 years of trying, I finally had to make the choice to separate and divorce my husband as he refused to acknowledge any fault or errors on his part, but I clearly saw the damage to both of our children that his emotional, psychological, and at times physical abuse was taking on our children. The court battle went on for 9 very long years. From the time my son was 6 years old until he turned 18 almost a year ago, his father NEVER stopped pulling him. He made our son responsible for his own happiness. He "guilted" him into spending time with him saying he was "all alone." He never showed up at his events although I provided him with monthly detailed lists of school and after school activities, including therapy appointments for both of our children. My ex had his own mental health issues, and always failed to put our children first and this rings true to this day. When my ex decided he was getting remarried our son was only 9 years old. He told him he was "getting a new family." He instructed him to call his stepmother "mom." He begged him to come and live with him, even attempting to bribe him with expensive gifts. After years of this behavior, I watched our son falling apart. He went from being diagnosed with an Adjustment Disorder to a Generalized Anxiety Disorder, to Major Depression and finally PTSD. When he was in 6th grade, one morning I walked into the kitchen before school and his notebook was on the counter. I opened it and started flipping through it reviewing his homework. Then, there IT was. My heart began racing and the tears just started flowing down my face as I read the words my son had written on the paper. He had drawn a picture of himself laying down under a tree with a gun and the words, "Yes, I want to go to heaven." This sweet, innocent little boy was in so much emotional pain that he just wanted to die. I picked up the phone and called his treating psychiatrist and then his therapist. I made appointments for him that very day. The next day I contacted my attorney and the court appointed attorney who was serving as our son's Guardian et Litem. I was granted an emergency hearing and the courts prohibited our son from seeing his father for almost 2 years. During that time, he began to heal. When he was not being psychologically manipulated and pulled, and with the help of a therapist and psychiatrist, he began to lead somewhat of a normal life. He was happy, involved in school activities, church youth group and scouts. There were no more bad dreams, self-harm, meltdowns, and aggression. Although I was awarded sole custody in a lower court and then again in a higher court on his father's appeal, the court ordered reunification therapy for father and son before we could be granted permission to relocate out of state to be near my family for support. It was then under the supervision of this court appointed therapist I watched the scared little boy return, but this time with tons of aggression. My son did not want to reunify with his father, but the therapist told him, the child with PTSD, that if he did not cooperate he could ask the judge to send him to juvenile detention! My son even went to court and spoke to the judge in chambers telling her he did not want to reunify with his father for he is abusive. Our daughter, who was 19 at the time, testified in court about her father's abuse and how she protected her brother during visitation. The court turned a deaf ear. He was forced to reunify with his father during first supervised visits (with a supervisor picked by my ex), and then day visits, until finally a week long visit before we moved. During the day visit, my ex lost his tempter and began trying to manipulate and guilt our son. Our son requested to leave, per the court order. The only reason my ex allowed him to leave is because the supervisor was present. The court ordered therapist reversed his recommendation to the court and told the judge we should be allowed to move. So we moved. During the next 3 years, my ex only visited our son 2 times in our new home state as his visits were supervised by my brother, per the court order. However, our son was required to visit his father several times a year and for weeks during the summer. Our son was happy in our new state, near family. He made friends, had good grades, resumed scouts and youth group up until his junior year of high school. He started rebelling, more so than typical. He refused to take his medication for anxiety and depression and PTSD. He refused to talk in therapy. He had aggressive out bursts. His personality was changing before my very eyes. It was an all too familiar reflection of his earlier self when he was pressured by his father. Finally, I found the key. I discovered over 200 text messages between father/son. His father told him to stop taking his medication and going to therapy. He told our son I was the crazy one and needed medication. He cursed me, said he drank in order to stay married to me, and even coached our son on how to provoke me and then call 9-1-1 and let the operator hear me yelling at him. That didn't happen. Yes, he provided me, but I didn't chase him into his room and yell at him as that is not how I parent. I discovered many text messages. There were pictures of half naked women and my son during a recent spring vacation trip to Florida. Our son, who was a minor at the time, was outside a strip club and his father was sending him pictures and videos of naked women inside. He gave him alcohol. I found pictures of my son dressed up in his father's old Marine Corps dress blue uniforms. They exchanged jokes about how easy it is when the uniform is on, for women's panties to fly off. I discovered many text messages where they had been secretly plotting for our son to move and go and live with his father. They bonded over guns, weapons, women, cars, motorcycles, and money. His father made him all kinds of promises if only he would move once he turned 18 in the summer of 2017. He didn't care that he was happy were he was, doing well in high school and getting set to enter his senior year. Our son had a kidney stone which required surgery. When the nurse came to get him and told us to say our good-byes, I hugged him and he didn't hug me back. I kissed him and he wiped it off. I told him, "I love you" and he just stared at me. This was not my son. This was a 17 year old who had been brainwashed and manipulated by his father. My heart broke for him. He never returned to my house from the hospital. He went and stayed the next 2 weeks with my brother until school ended. On his 18th birthday, he and his father drove away with all of his belongings in the truck I bought for him and he had been working to pay me back. My sweet little boy, whom I had been so close to for 17 years, and fought for in court for 9 long years...the little boy I took to hundreds of therapy sessions, hugged and comforted during times when he had meltdowns and bit and scratched himself or while curled up in the fetal position rocking back and forth on the floor no longer existed. While we are very slowly starting to communicate again via text messages, he had rejected all of my family. His uncle who testified for him in court, his sister who protected him for years during visits with their father and testified in court, his grandmother who flew down for each and every court hearing, and his uncle and aunt who lived near us and his cousin, who is only 10 months older than he is and was his best childhood friend. All of these people were banished from his life - by his choice. If you don't know about parental alienation, I strongly encourage you to educate yourself about it if you, or anyone you love, is in a similar situation. I used all of my savings and money I inherited from my father ($350,000) fighting for my children's mental and physical health. I protected them from their father and relied on the courts to do the same. I made sure they were both in therapy, and went to therapy myself to learn how to deal with this traumatic situation. I thought I did everything right. I didn't badmouth my ex. I took the high road for YEARS. I followed the advice of my attorney, my therapist, my children's therapists, and my family. I didn't make decisions on my own, but sought input from the professionals. All to no avail for in the end, I lost my son to his father who still suffers from mental health issues. He still is incapable of putting our son and his needs first. I am trying to meet our son where he is and parent him as the person he is now, rather than the child I had hoped he would be. I am getting ready to go to his high school graduation and am just delighted that he wants me to attend. Although, I will be sitting in the gym, watching it on the big screen with his sister while his father and stepmother watch the graduation live, I know in my heart who is responsible for helping him get through school. All those years of school refusal, parent/teacher conferences, accommodations for his anxiety and depression, taking off work and going on every field trip, sacrificing and saving $1000's of dollars so he could go on band trips to California with his high school...... I know the truth. For now, I will settle for being in the same state as my son, watching from afar. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be grateful for so little. He no longer dreams of going to college, as his sister and cousins have done. He works in a gas station. Although his father is an attorney, I know he doesn't encourage him to go to college for he would have to pay for it - or explain why he refuses to pay for it as he contributed not a penny to our daughter's college education. Until my son can realize he doesn't have to hold his father's beliefs about me, and that he deserves to be treated with respect and dignity and deserves so much more, I am afraid he will remain where he is. I pray for him each day, for his safety and for wisdom. It is my hope as his mother that one day he will see, and understand, the truth but for now, it's too painful for him to recognize for fear of his father's abandonment. First, he must realize that he doesn't need his father's approval to be whole. For now, I try to have some sort of relationship with him from away, withholding my true feelings and knowing in my heart he's too fragile for me to try and "ground" in the truth for he would only once again feel torn. I miss him each and every day and I can say that there is truly a whole in my heart for my son.

There certainly are children in our communities that are 'unwanted'. As a foster parent for 9 years before the birth of my child, I know first hand how much violence and horror is committed against children. These kids need healing and frequently don't obtain the type of intense services thatMore they do need to address their unique circumstances. My own (adoptive) child was born of a drug addicted birth mother who contributed to this problem with a neurological issue due to exposure in utero to methamphetamine. My daughter ISN"T unwanted, but her behavioral issues because of this disability, exacerbated with puterty, has led her into a life of alcohol and illicit drug use now that she's 18. She dropped school at 16, she's had 4 years of clinical therapies including 8 months in a residential treatment facility, to no avail. She has assaulted a police officer and thrown hard objects (including a dining room chair) directly at me when I won't give her money for more 'stuff'. Yet because of her illness, she won't take the prescribed medications in favor of street drugs and booze. I don't view her as 'gone wrong or bad', I view her as profoundly ill. Clearly each human being has positive and negative characteristics, both you and me and everyone else 'out there'. But you are impeding the help and support that we parents need at a time of crisis in our lives and the lives of our children. Perhaps the heading could have been worded differently, but the end result is that parents like me who dearly love our children can see their self destructive behavior and we cry, we mourn, we hurt for our children and for ourselves. My daughter is intellectually brilliant, is a gifted song writer, has written beautiful stories and song lyrics, but her neuro-psychiatric disorder causes her to act out in ways that may lead to her self destruction. She has already attempted suicide 3 times. If you haven't lived with a child or teen who has serious mental health issues, you have no idea what it can be like and how dangerous it can become to both the teenager and the parents that love them. I truly adore my daughter, but I've had to accept that I CAN'T live with her until she is willing to accept the help that she needs. This has truly been the most heartbreaking realization I've ever lived through and it has caused incredible pain and a sense of terrible loss. I want to embrace her uniqueness, her talents and gifts, but her illness has invaded her life and limited her ability to understand the consequences of her behavior because of it.

I can only read the first line and get sick. There is no such thing as a child gone wrong. Are you insane, This is disrepectful to any teen or child that isn't your fantasy child. You cant be a parent to someone you dont want. This support line makesMore me sick. Let your kids be who every they wanna be. I can see if they were doing something to hurt themselves or others but other that that there is no excuses. Let them be their own person and instead of seeing a therapist for it just support you kids not wonder why they aren't what you want them to be. This article is disrespectful to our children and discusting to society.

I didn't know 'tough love' excluded what you did with your son. Isn't it the 'reward' aspect of the relationship your mother/father gives you (the teen) when the boundaries and guidelines in family life have been uncomplainingly observed?

Most of the parents who have commented here have sons or daughters in their late teens or older. My oldest son is just 15. He moved in with his father when he was 12 because the rest of us were living in a trailer while we built a new houseMore and he couldn't handle the cramped conditions, but when our house was finished he didn't want to move with us because he had no rules and very little supervision with his dad. He is now 15 on drugs and alcohol, has had numerous girlfriends already and is failing in school. It is so hard trying to influence him when I have to hunt him down every time I want to see him. I have tried to quit preaching at him. His request, but I can't help voicing my concerns, and I can't let him think I am ok with the way he is living his life right now. He is just a kid still, but he thinks he is adult enough to make all those grownup decisions. That said, I do feel blessed because he always tells me loves me when I see him. Many of the parents who commented here don't have that, but merely saying we love each other wont shield him from the consequences his path is leading him too.

I often wonder where I went wrong as well. My daughter is 20, living at home, and is nothing like what I pictured her to be when she was my little girl. I feel so wrong for complaining about her, but I'm at my wit's end. I read other parent'sMore stories and think 'I shouldn't be upset, she's nothing like the nightmare children I am reading about'. But I am upset. I'm so angry with her. She doesn't get in trouble. She doesn't drink, do drugs, or sneak out. The problem is that she does absolutely nothing. When she isn't at university or working, she just sits in her room. She's either listening to loud music, studying, on her computer, reading books from her library, or sleeping. That's her entire day. She doesn't talk to me or her father, she doesn't go outside, she doesn't do chores unless I ask her to. She sits in her room and does absolutely nothing and doesn't talk to anyone. Sometimes I catch her just staring at nothing. She has few friends, no boyfriend, and no motivation to do anything besides the minimum of what she's expected to do. I am almost in tears trying to talk to her - she doesn't initiate conversation and doesn't reply with much besides simple answers. Her window and curtains and door are always closed. It's like there's an empty shell where my hopes and dreams used to be. She used to be a straight A with many extracurricular activities. But now it's as if she's already gone. How can someone live like that, completely alone for most of the time, just wasting her life? I have no idea who my daughter is anymore, and I don't know what to do. I get so angry just looking at her now.

I know this will stir up some controversy, but I'm not a big fan of "tough love" or drawing a line in the sand. I think it sets our kids up to rebel--BIG TIME. I'd rather seek to understand why my child is doing the things they are. What needsMore are they trying to meet by doing the behavior? And then I seek to help them find better ways to meet those needs without such a high cost to them or to me. And before you say anything about me not having as difficult a child as you....I have an extremely challenging child who ripped off closet doors and punched holes in the wall when he was young. It wasn't until I changed how I behaved that he was able to change. And how I behaved was to stop trying to control him but seek to understand him. For me, the relationship is the most important thing. If you lose that, you've lost your influence. So even though he did behaviors I didn't agree with as a teen (drinking, smoking pot)...we kept talking. I didn't draw a line in the sand; I talked to him...kept the doorway open for him to come to me...and even though it wasn't easy...we stayed connected during those tough scary times. He has matured a lot...almost 19 now and going off to college next week. But the best thing is...we still have a relationship.

Where to to start? My oldest daughter is 30 year old. She has been in and out of trouble with the laws for the past 14 years. I've tried to encourage her to do better with her life and help her raise her 13 & 8 year old children. aboutMore 6 months ago, she caused us to be evicted and then sent her kids to live with strangers (to them). She blamed me. I just recently when to visit with them and she wanted me to bring them back with me. I refused because she doesn't have a place to live and no job. She was really mad at me. To show me how mad she was, her & her gang of boyfriends broke into my brother's house (Where I've been staying for last 6 months). They stole 100's of $1000s worth of items from him including 3 cars & a motorcycle. The things she took from me include; ancestry info, family pictures, things I inherited from my grand mothers & mother, books, etc... she took stuff that only meant something to me! My youngest daughter (25) has been mad at her sister for about 15 years. Neither of us understand why she does what she does. This last event is the 'straw that broke the camel's back'. My head & heart have been in this battle to make sense of her terrible actions. I feel like my heart is breaking apart. I have decided to 'divorce' my oldest daughter because I can't help her and by her actions she has let me know loud & clear I am not welcome in her life. I know I have to do this but it does not make it any easier on me or the others who love her! I am moving back east to help continue to raise her children. They have lived with me 95% of their young lives. Her 13 yr old already won't talk to her because he says she lied to him to many times! and the kids don't know about this last event, yet. My oldest didn't live up to her potential but my youngest went way beyond anything I could have dreamed for her. They are both special in their own right. I feel ten times worst over losing my oldest daughter (and she didn't die) than I did when my mom pasted away 5 years ago. I know I have to stay firm in my decision to let her go! I know it won't be easy! I hope I can continue to be a positive influence in my grand children's lives. They are so sweet and loving. I hope and pray they make good decisions in their own lives.

This has really helped me a lot, just what I needed to read.

I relate to this topic a lot, I appreciate it being brought out in the open and have finally after 5 years of losing my son to bad choices and drug/alcohol use have found a way to love the child he is. It started like the article mentioned dealingMore with the overwhelming grief of losing the idea of what I thought my son should do or be. I had to face my grief and talk about the situation with those I trusted. My son is making better decisions today, but there are still times that the deep sadness takes over and I miss the innocent child he once was. The most important thing my husband and I have realized is that my son knows we love him no matter what and he tells us that he loves us back.

I agree with the other commenters who said that the article could certainly be more thorough and helpful. The comments themselves, however, are really powerful. I knew I wasn't the only one in this situation with their child but I didn't realize how many others' situations were nearly identical. DifferentMore child, same story. Mine is 15, hasn't spoken to me in three months, says he hates me and will never speak to me again. I eat, sleep, and breathe with the ache of it. I have begun the steps of being a premature empty nester and trying to create a life that is full now that it is not full of taking care of him. I can't wait to trade in the family van for a little car, because driving the van every day to and from work reminds me that I don't have kids in the back. Creating an identity for yourself beyond just "mom" is daunting. The feelings of guilt, wondering if I had done things differently I wouldn't be here. I feel so confused when I try to figure out where we went wrong. It's overwhelming. I never asked God for a big house, a fancy job, or a life of ease, but my whole life I have been asking him for a healthy, loving family. I didn't have one as a child but that only made me work harder to have one as an adult...and, fail. I feel so lonely. I even wish I could have another baby, but I know that wouldn't replace my child and who knows if that baby wouldn't grow up and break my heart too. So I got a big dog LOL. But seriously, thank you to all who've shared your story in the comments. It sounds like you know exactly how I feel.

Thank you so much for this article. I am having such a terrible time overcoming my grief of two of my children who are living choices that are destructive and contrary to what we wanted for them. I wish we had a local parent support group that discussed this veryMore thing.

EdenFarmer

He can't see past Friday night!

As his parent I feel it is imperative I guide him, rebuke him if necessary, and

share with him things at 17 he cannot see simply because he lacks life

experience. Yes, I am thankful he is not on drugs, in a life of crime, and

sleeping with every girl out there willing (he's a good looking kid); however,

at the same time I as a parent who loves her kids more than life itself I want

the best for him. He can't turn back time and will regret some of the decisions

he is making out of immaturity. Failing to counsel him could have devastating

consequences.

EdenFarmer CAK I simply told him... As a senior he needs to make available to him all options possible so at the end of the day the choice is his. Failing to play footbal will only lessen the opportunities afford to him and limit his choices for his future. More He needs to see, smell, and taste all that is out there before he makes a decision. "What he thinks" things will be like isn't necessarily how they are. I for one want him to have as many options for him to chose from as possible. Additionally, at 17, he is not mature enough to make life long impacting decisions.

.....and all this while, I thought I was the only one feeling that I had got it all wrong and that the future only had doom and gloom for the rest of our days.

Thank you for validating my despair, for giving me hope and the strength to accept what I cannot change. Meanwhile, I will keep on trying to live with the reality that my son must be helped and loved, just like it used to be.

I've been grieving the loss of my sweet little boy for several years now. He was a bright, energetic, inquisitive, empathetic boy until about 12 years old. He's 17 now. Some of it I'm sure is normal teenage struggles, but it's compounded by mood and anxiety issues. The feeling ofMore grief is devastating, not only watching him make so many bad choices, but watching him lashing out and distancing himself from a family who loves him. I honestly wonder sometimes how to cope with the loss, and all the while hoping that with time and maturity he'll come back to us. I also wish there was a support group of parents grieving the same kind of loss, but haven't been able to find one.

My daughter was my "golden girl" until she reached 15-16 years of age then she became self-centred with a great sense of entitlement. Not believing that rules apply to her and pushing against our/schools boundaries all the time. Enter her final two years of high school and she starts takingMore off and couch surfing whenever you say something she doesn't like or the stress of exams etc gets too much. Add binge drinking, ignoring our rules despite groundings and losing car privileges, ignoring her own safety. She is now nearly 18 and again, living out of home. My husband drew the line in the sand over obeying our rules so she left. Despite everything we have done for her, she does not respect us and still continues to want to do whatever she wants. I drift between laying down the law and allowing her to make her own decisions and mistakes in the hope that she will wake up to herself. I am totally worn out and while we expect her home again soon, a part of me feels I am "done" and can't take it anymore...

This article Totally hits home, with my 17-year-old Grandson having just left home last week to travel to Texas with his Migrant Friend's family, having put all of us through the ringer for the past 2 years! He leaves behind a 18 month-old son, as well. I wish the articleMore went more in-depth about Coping with the Grief and Desertion that we all feel at this time.

I wish these articles were more in-depth, and with a definite direction. This one starts off with mentioning shallow parents ("I'm so heartbroken, Johnny didn't choose to follow his dad's footsteps and become a lawyer, Susie hates cheerleading and I'd so hoped to see her make the varsity team like I did as a girl"). Parents like this don't even need to be mentioned in a real article about real grief in real parents. The only ones truly shortchanged in these types of relationships are the kids.

Parents suffering real grief are a whole different kind of animal. We raised our kids right; meaning loving them, providing for them, allowing lots of grace and room for growth and mistakes. Most of us did far better in being honest, admitting when we were wrong and actually apologizing to our kids, than our parents ever attempted to do. Many of us wouldn't even care if our kid turned out to be gay, or embraced a different religion than the one we hold dear, or shaved their heads for that matter. We just want to see them healthy, happy, at peace, and loving their families. Instead, they often have so little respect or regard for us that it leaves us with bruises, sometimes open wounds, and at times even struggling to get out of bed and face another day.

In-depth articles that REALLY address parents like us would be so helpful.

I am the mother of five children, this is the story of my eldest. Now 30 years old, out of the house since he was 19. Always a somewhat difficult kid taking more of my time than the other four combined. Upon HS graduation, he changed big time. Went off to college and went crazy with partying, drinking and smoking pot. After 18 months in school, we pulled him out and drew a line in the sand. Follow the rules of the household or you will have to leave. He left. Absolutely no communication from him for 9 months before he reached out. It is difficult to be around him. We see him a couple of times a year although he keeps in close contact with his other siblings. He was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD as a middle school student but does not take medication now. His physical appearance is one of rebellion, tattoos, long hair, the way he dresses, waiting tables for a living, etc. He has rebelled against everything we stand for. Our other children have turned out differently, they respect us, show love for us, care about us, etc. When he was younger I used to feel as though he had ice water running through his veins. He is completely self absorbed. Until he finds someone he loves more than himself nothing will change.

I have grieved for him over the years. The sadness I have felt that this was the outcome of my first born was devastating. I have learned to accept that there is nothing I can do to change him, it is up to him now. I am sad at the "death" of my sweet boy as I knew him. So many hopes and dreams for him but he chose another path. I hope, I pray but understand will all come in God's time, not mine.

Yes, I am grieving my son who was smart, honest and a good boy with lots of friends until.... Jr. High school. He literally became someone different, lies that come easy but so easy to see, bad group of kids, poor school grades etc.

I feel like someone took my wonderful sin and gave me this "devil" of a child. To make matters worse he had a cardiac arrest last year and almost died. He's pretty healthy now but has the same personality so I am guilt ridden! He really is not a nice person,no love or warmth. Very unambitious wants to just lay around on his phone or play video games can't get up to do things he even enjoys would've missed a lot headed not been for me helping him out. I believe in natural consequences but everything he's been through I also feel sorry for him. I am in therapy trying to deal with this but it is just such a slow process he will be 17 in two weeks I fear that he will be out of our house on his own before we can improve our relationship.

I learned (the hard way--is there any other?) that I cannot control another human being. My children so graciously taught me that. As "Wise Old Wolf" says in the comments here, it is very liberating when you acknowledge and accept this. I have come to accept that my two sonsMore have their own journey here in this life. Their souls have their own lessons to learn. Who am I to stand in the way of that? They are young men now and since I've taken this approach our relationship has flourished, even though it's painful to watch them deal with the consequences of their choices sometimes. I will continue to model my values, and be the soft landing place when they fall down.

I've been struggling with this issue. And, hoping for some discourse on the subject. Ah, i've made so many mistakes. The loss and grief have all but paralyzed me. Since I cannot go back I look forward to finding support and thank you for opening this important topic.

Hi my name is Pearl. The article on," Grieving the child that has gone." Has really hit home. I have issues with my teenage son since early fall of 2014. He was a terrific, highly intelligent ,funny and loved young man. He has being an honor student all the wayMore up to his sophomore year in high school. His junior year he became someone else. Very disrespectful, angry and violent to everyone in the house. We basically walked on egg shells until June 2, 2015, he packed and moved out . It's going on two months now and school is getting ready to start back up. I don't know if he plans on finishing or not. Nothing He has done in the pass several months was anything like him at all. he has destroyed the house , but of course, the police refused to do anything because he was a sixteen at the time and they figured he will get his self together. Well they were so wrong. I feel if they would have done their job maybe I wouldn't be stressing all the times because I don't know where he is. I'm a little better during the day because I stay busy, but at night I can't help but think of how such a wonderful person he use to be and how I want that person back. I don't know who that other person who has replaced my son is , but it wasn't someone i raised. I sought help for myself because it became too hard to bare. The pain was just too great. Everyone has their opinions but in all honesty, It's easy to say when it isn't your child that has gone astray. I feel so guilty, and yet in my heart I always been there for him. Supported all my children equally but I guess it wasn't enough. Where is the help for parents that are great parents who have wonderful kids that turn into monsters. That what I call it. They very disrespectful, conning, violent, abusive, and liars. What do you do to save the next.

Can I relate to the above story? Many

times over. My oldest daughter is now 35. And I know I am deeply

grieving over her. For years and years I tried to help her but it wasn't

the help she needed. Oh, yes I physically helped. I helped her with

her first child, then second, then third, then fourth, then fifth. And

now, 15 years later we have her oldest son and we have been raising him for

over 3 years now. How is our grandson? He is troubled, challenging

and sometimes he completely wears us out. How is my daughter? She

is a mess! And what about the other 4 grandchildren? Well, my

daughter about 1 1/2 years ago married a man that we deeply feel he is not

capable of knowing how to be a good husband nor how to be a good father to the

other 4 children. Where are we at now? My daughter has completely

severed our relationship with them and our other grandchildren. Even our

grandson, which is my daughter's first child barely even sees is mother, nor

does he feel she even cares and he does not get to have any relationship with

his siblings. Do we care? Well, yes and no. We are so hurt that

even to see my daughter, to be quite honest, I would probably walk the other

way or maybe run. But, for the sake of the other grandchildren I would

run with speed to help my grandchildren, to see my oldest grandchild spend time

with his siblings, but we aren't allowed. My daughter has been diagnosed

with several mental disorders, her husband is extremely lazy and the children

are forced to conform to their way of life. (You can only imagine)

And to top it off, we live right next door to them. Do I grieve, yes every day......

This article was definitely put in my path today for a reason. Thank you. I have been struggling wih this for awhile now and need to deal with this grief. My prayers are for all that are dealing with this as well.

I totally relate to this article. I never thought of it as grieving, but that's exactly what it is. I have a 17 year old daughter that recently has been diagnosed bipolar. Up until she was 12, she was the sweetest, happiest little girl. The last few yearsMore have been rough, to say the least. This is not at all what I envisioned for her. Grieving is exactly what I've experienced. Thank you for the article.

I was the youngest of five boys so my mom used me to dump all of her anger, sadness, and disappointments concerning my brothers. By default, I became her therapist. Growing up, I began to resent my mom for using me in this way. When I decidedMore to get married, my mom was disappointed in not only my decision but in the woman that I planned to marry. So she began using my brothers and her friends to express her disappointment with me. After all those years of hearing her grief, she turned on me and told others about how I was hurting her by choosing to be with some other woman. I recognized this as very unhealthy behavior from my mother and I began to distance myself from her. I didn't speak to my mother for years because I could feel her negativity seeping back into me whenever I did speak with her. I wish it wasn't this way, but my mother clearly had serious emotional and psychological issues that were poisonous to me, so as painful as it was for me to do, I had to cut my ties to her. She passed away a few years ago. I feel much more at peace now that her pain is finally gone.

Great article! Very helpful at this time. I have been struggling with letting go. As i see my 19 y old child 'waste' his talent and potential. Maybe it is not time for him to follow the plan we had. My heart aches. Thank you Wise Old Wolf forMore your comment. I already feel better after reading it. Comes to show you the right person comes along when you need it.

I have experienced this for the last 2 years. Deep sadness over the choices my daughter is making for her life. Our home became a battlefield, her venom toward me, hatred at any boundary I set palpable.Her emotional dysfunction,chronic and sever depresssion leading to three attempts at suicide, dropping outMore of high school, dabbling with marijuana, stealing money from my purse, dragging other kids with even more serious problems into our home without regard to her own safety or mine. Her psychiatrist strongly recommended residential treatment and finally this past January I had to accept that all of the therapies, counselors, interventions, adaptive strategies hadn't been successful. I am her adoptive parent and I have loved her with my whole heart and mind since she was three days old, my love for her can never die. She is beautiful, smart, capable, but she has a huge problem. It took me over a year to make the decision to send her to residential treatment. I mourned, cried, became angry. This is NOT my daughter. What was discovered during residential is that she isn't to blame for what has happened to her. Her birthmother was a long-term meth addict and continued to abuse meth during the pregnancy. This cause subtle but serious reductions in the amount of dopamine and seratonin that my daughters brain produces. Thus when my kid told me two or three years ago 'consequences don't work for me mom' she was right. Her neurorecptors just don't work as well as other peoples do. Now 17 with only 1 year of high school credits, it's clear she will not grow into the veterinarian she dreamed of being at 10 or 11. Her neurological symtpoms were subtly present, as I look back through her childhood. The symptoms were always mistaken as a behavioral problem, so we implemented reward and consequence strategies. Since she can't feel that mild euphoria when she succeeds at something (from the dopamine deficiency ) she doesn't feel the 'reward' part of this equation. . But the real explosion in her behavior began once puberty came. Her behavior became defiantly oppositional, so came the diagnosis, of oppositional defiant disorder. She appeared to go out of her way to defy every rule, every boundary. It was beyond frustrating, I was angry, beyond disappointed and very resentful. In fact, my counselor told me that my resentment bag was overflowing. I knew it, felt incredible guilt at being so angry at my darling daughter. A few weeks ago, I finally got the word about this neurological issue. The guilt I felt was overwhelming. I was sad, depressed and felt a huge sense of hopelessness and loss. She won't take any anti-depressants claiming they make her feel 'weird'. She accepts a mild dose of a benadryl at night to help combat the insomnia that accompanies this condition. Her prognosis is very guarded. Still in residential, she only participates in the counseling sessions and a few other 'groups' but won't take the ISL course, wont see the psychiatrist, won't participate in drug counseling sessions, refuses to even attempt school work. Despite the guarded diagnosis, the 'pick and choose' attitude she displays, I still need to find hope in all of this. There are no medications that will be helpful to her condition. At the end of Septmeber her placement at the residential facility will end. By then she will be 18 and I don't have to let her come home legally. But where will she go?

I think many parents can relate to the "where did I go wrong?" I watched my own daughter spiral out of control into drug addiction and eventually into jail within a 5year span after she graduated from high school. Gone was the honor student with a full scholarship and bright future. More I was left devastated from the loss... It is still hard to accept that my now almost 30 year old daughter will never achieve the dreams she so frequently talked with me about when she was growing up. The divide between who she has become and who she once was, is too wide. After trying to figure out where I went wrong, I finally gave up. I came to realize that as individuals, we have the free-will to choose our own paths. I agree with "Wise Old Wolf"... you really can't make anyone do anything (no matter how much you love them and want what's best for them.) They decide who they become...

As I write this I now this may sound crazy to some. And to be honest I am not sure why this is so very hard for me right now. I really had huge dreams for him, and knowing he has the potential to exceed all of them, but is waisting it, is absolutely heartbreaking.

All I know to do is pray. I know God says,"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." It is just so very hard.

I now face the fact my son, although very

talented in his sport, has chosen to NOT play his senior year on a football

field. He says he loves the sport, but is just not interested in playing anymore.

I know, that I know, he WILL regret this decision. In addition to not playing

his senior year, he says he doesn't want to play college ball either, but plans

to pursue an AA then go to Florida Fish and Game.

This decision on the surface sounds ok, except

I know he has an idealistic view of how it is going to be, and frankly prefers

the "easy way". He has no way of fully understanding the

ramifications of this path in the long run, not to mention I definitely do NOT

want him in law enforcement, especially the way things are today.

I made these mistakes. His father made these

mistakes. Looking back I know how much I missed not going to college in my

early years, not to mention the missed career opportunities.

My grief is almost paralyzing. I will never

see my son a football field again. No senior night. No college offers. More

than a decade of practices, games, great plays, hard losses...OVER.

This may come as petty to some and I am fully aware of how much worse it could be. With that said, I am facing a tremendous amout of sadness regarding my oldest son. I have six kids, four biological and two bonus, and love them all so much, but the stages my boys (the youngest of the six) are entering is far different than anything I have ever experienced before with the girls now 22 and 24.

My oldest son, now 17 is entering his senior year of high school in a private Christian school. He began attending there in his junior year for many reasons, one of which was to play varsity football with his best friend, then a senior. As a junior he led the state in tackles and stood out as a great long snapper. My hope for him was to earn a scholarship to college with his talents, as he not a stellar academic wonder!

Myself and his father entered the career field of law enforcement at a very young age missing out on college and all that entails, life lessons which only come from those experiences, and giving up college even with scholarships and supportive parents. At 38 I had to return and earn a bachelor degree in order to support my children as their father was no longer in the picture. This wasn't an easy task while trying to raise the boys, hold down a full time job, and maintain a home. Lesson learned!

I can definitely relate to this article. I have been grieving the loss of who my son used to be for a very long time now. I was so glad to read this article, because I have been suffering this grief for so long and thought I was crazy forMore feeling the way I was feeling. My ex-husband and I divorced when my son was 4 and he is now 18. I have tried very hard to be a good parent to him, however have been undermined the entire time. In fact, I think that this has been a classic case of parental alienation. His father has always told him absolutely horrible things about me thinking that he was gaining the upper hand, not realizing how much damage he was causing to our son. So you can imagine the hurt and anger that has built up on our son through all of this. He has suffered from depression for a very long time and at times has been suicidal. I have tried through the years to get him the help that he needed, without any support from his father. In fact, quite the opposite so therefore any treatment he received was ineffective. Before the divorce our son was so sweet and kind. He was a very happy child. As the years wore on this sweet, gentle boy became more sullen, withdrawn and angry to the point where I could no longer see that little boy anymore. He struggled through high school, but eventually made to the end and graduated in June for which I am so thankful. There were so many days that I never thought it would happen. I don't know what is in store for my boy, or what path he will choose. I can only hope that there is still a part of that sweet, smart, kind little boy in there somewhere and that some of what I have tried to teach him about being a good, productive member of society has gotten through. Knowing that I am not alone in feeling this grief has made me feel so much better. I thought it was crazy to be feeling this way. Thank you for this article it has truly made a difference.

I just finished praying about this very thing and opened up my email to find this article. Wow- God speaks in just the right way. Thank you God

Thank you so much for this article. Very timely and helpful.

I think it's also important to recognize that the "sweet little boy" he used to be may be a construction of our imagination. We tend to use hindsight to create an image of what we wanted to be, rather than cognitively and realistically remembering what was. Those selective good memoriesMore tend to increase our guilt and our despair. You hear it from people all the time- "Back in the good old days..." The reality was, the good old days weren't always that good and there is a lot of good in these new days. If you have done the best you can do, your child's choices are not your responsibility. When you finally get it in your head and heart that you really can't make anyone do anything, you will be amazed at the liberation that brings. You teach, you set up consequences, you model positive behaviors, you hold accountable- but ultimately your child decides what kind of life they want to have. If there is mental illness, obviously you need to seek treatment for that. But in terms of day to day choices, I leave you with this thought: Life is a willing servant. Once you decide what you want from it, you bear the responsibility for your choices.

Helpful article. It is sadly my story. My 22 year old daughter has lost the child I adored. As the grief bubbles and I get busy with other life's stresses, trying to push the sometimes overwhelming grief aside, I definitely loose my temper and end uo notMore parenting in a productive and positive way with my other child. Thanks for the article, it validates my suffering and encourages me to talk about the grief.

Grieving Your Child Who’s “Gone Wrong”

By Megan Devine, LCPC

When Your Child Goes Wrong

Acknowledge Your Grief

Speak the Truth About Your Grief

You Are Not Alone

About Megan Devine, LCPC