Ground Rules for Living With an Adult Child (Plus Free Living Agreement)

My D2 comes to stay with child and partner when up from the country. She, unlike me, is a good housekeeper. I went to work and came home to see she had gone into my bedroom and gone through my dressing table & draws and ensuite bench & cupboards toMore "clean up for me". Stuff was piked up or put away - not necessarily where I would have put it & some of it was my partners stuff that has been put in with mine. I appreciate the sentiment but I feel very upset by it. Am I being silly?

My daughter and I spent years together so took care of my youngest son totally disabled. 13+ yrs she and I spent many years just working through the single mom and daughter thing her emotional development was delayed. Her dad was in prison, she graduated 2 years behind. I recentlyMore remarried my husband knows the issues she and I went through. So as of 3 months ago she had been in relationships, they ended she even moved out trying to do life away from home. She had met someone before Covid, her previous BF slept here and she slept at his home 6yrs. So now her new BF and her became sexually active after her being addemant for years she likely would not be ( family history backstory to that decision)Now she and he crossed that point and my husband is against this happening in our house/her home!But the previous BF he never made any objection to. Not her dad but feels its disrespectful in HIS house. Where do we compromise when she is now 24 grown and although still is moving into adulthood(delayed due to emotional issues albeit) She needs direction not told to take it to a hotel. She is my daughter and as her mother feel it's best she find the right choices with my guidance even if it's here at home...Am I wrong?

I can identify with all single parents with difficult kids who become difficult adults. I’ve tried taking my daughter in 2 times, hoping she had matured. But she has borderline mental illness, brain injury from abusive boyfriends, chronic pain, and substance abuse issues. She cannot get or keep a job. The county only helps minimally and she can’t seem to get on disability.

The house rules only lasted a week. Then the drinking starts and all mayhem ensued.

This website is better than our 15 years of counseling back then. I can only say: Tackle this early and accept that your child will hate you, may retaliate, but better that than never getting better.

Our daughter is mid 40’s single Mom, no longer working but receives some child support and low income assistance. Currently they are living in a bedroom apartment. We support her by paying for all of our grandson’s sports approx $5000/annum, purchased a vehicle for her, all grandson’s school expenses, laptopMore for his homework, and contribute about $200/month to their living expenses. We have been doing this for about 12 years. We also have put aside money for our grandson’s university costs. She was working part-time previously but has not worked now for four years - and does not appear to be actively looking for work now. She has some health issues but is capable of working. Anytime I ask about the job search, she becomes defensive and has different excuses on why she can’t apply. We plan to retire soon and worry that we will have to continue this support, which we cannot afford. My husband thinks that they will have to move in with us when the child support ends. We love them but want our daughter to move forward with her life and set a good example for her son. What steps can we take to encourage her to take responsibility for her finances and future?

We have a 22 year old daughter. She moved out for college and then back in with us when she finished summer last year. She does work, but it’s not for what she trained for, but that’s fine, she says she’s having a ‘year out’ so it’s an unskilled job. It’s like living back with a child. She rarely pays (the very small) amount of money we ask her to pay, however she expects to eat for free, have her washing done etc. She rarely does anything in the house despite being asked and asked. My husband and I are getting so tired - we both work full time. She takes things without asking, for example she’ll go into my bedroom and take toiletries, I’ll go to take a shower before work and things will be gone. She walks into our room without knocking. She takes food from the fridge without considering if it would be needed for a recipe or someone else’s lunch. My husband and I have been meal prepping to save time and money our work lunches - she’ll take these in the morning so we don’t have any lunch. We said it’s fine for you to have them but you need to pick a recipe and make enough for 4 lunches so that way there is enough for everyone. She never has. She invites friends round, they lie around all day at the weekend hungover ordering food for delivery. Or they are noisy at night, and we have to get up for work the next day. The bathroom she shares with her brothers is disgusting despite being renovated. Wet towels are always on the floor, cosmetics everywhere, toilet not flushed.

It’s been a year and it’s like living in a student house share but we are the caretakers. It feels like neverending parenting for us, with no time to relax and enjoy our home.

When we try and say something we get the silent treatment and told we are making her feel unwelcome in her own home. Help!

My child has social anxieties do not want to face life and work, I think he is really trying to find his purpose, he is only 21 and to ease his mind picked up smoking, what can I do

Hi my 20 year old son still lives at home. Due to his social anxiety he spends most of his days in his bedroom playing computer games and on vr chat. He only goes out to walk the dog on the field at the back of us and to theMore corner shop. The problem we have with him is he spends over 14 hours a day on his computer. We have recently had to put a rule in where his computer disconnects from the Internet at 2.30am in the morning. But he still has access to his phone. A few days I asked him to come of vr chat at 12pm as I could still here him. He said he would but last night I heard him again upto 2.30 in the morning on vr. Allthough he was taking quietly. Iv told him again today I want him off chat at 12. Too much he wasn't happy about. He then said he helps out with house ect which he does alittle but it's desterbing my sleep. Not to mension I have to young daughters asleep aswell. Am I being unreasonable asking him to come off chat at a reasonable time? Also his personal hygiene isn't the best. Had to tell him that he needs to have more frequent washes other wise would have to cut the Internet down. Am I OK to do this? He does pay towards it from his universal credit. Which he gets for his anxiety.

I can find all kinds of information about contracts, rules and expectations one can set with adult children, but what I really need are ideas for consequences when they aren't followed or done. For my own sake, I cannot keep micromanaging my 22 yr old son. He does his chores,More when reminded and asked, but I don't want to keep reminding, nagging and asking anymore. I don't want to be on his case every day to apply for jobs, to not sleep in and to do stuff around the house. How do I enforce rules and expectations for an adult child? He lost his car privileges, cell data usage and internet usage already, but I would love other ideas since that doesn't seem to be enough to encourage him to find a job. Thanks

Our 38 yr old son moved home 10 months ago while in the middle of a difficult divorce and has custody of his 7 yr daughter 50% of the time. My problem is he expects us (Oma and Gramps) to meet all of her needs so he can be freeMore to focus on his girlfriend while not at work. He thinks I should be responsible for her care (bathing, laundry, etc), school work and anything else his ex-wife dictates as well. He actually gives me a list to complete with her before he arrives home. It came to a head when I ended up in the E.R. last week. I'm a cancer patient and had an extremely painful issue come up but knowing I was ill didn't concern him at all. When I ignored his detailed list on my worst day, I got scolded as if I were a child that had defied him. I love him and our granddaughter dearly but already have one hubby and don't want two. Grandparents are supposed to spoil our grand's, not to be the warden in charge. Are we expected to be full time parental figures for our grand's just because they live half of the time with us?

My 19 year old did not get accepted into school and has continuously applied for jobs. He has slight Aspergers and he does not interview well but is capable of manual labour roles. He is emphatic about not working fast food again. He continues to apply on-line and in person without success. Our problem is that the rest of the day he is playing video games to occupy his time. He says he has looked for work, went to the gym, (with eyes rolling or grunts of annoyance) helps with any chores we need and that he is filling his time. We think the excessive game time is harmful psychologically and a waste of other activities he can do. We get the counter that he goes to church and spends time with his girlfriend and respects our rules.

I don't think it is uncomfortable enough for him to really just take any work (seems selective still), even part-time. The agreement was helpful but we are stuck that he is doing what we ask in word but we have no proof (applying for many jobs) and he spends forever on his technology.

I have a 27 year old daughter and 6 year old grandson living with me and I need her to move out for my sanity and her own growth. The problem is my grandson; she is not financially solvent and I worry about his life if I force her to leave but she is physically making me ill.

I had my daughter at 17 and had my own challenges raising her as a single mom. I did not get us our own place til I was 39 (lived with various siblings because couldnt afford it soley). She was very spoiled by family members and because they helped me their presence somewhat diluted the parenting I would have provided had we lived alone. Since 15, she has been a problem with grades, respect, responsibility, and group of friends, etc. Even though I've been in her shoes she will take everyones advice but mine while continually asking me to bail her out financially with these poor decisions. I admit i'm critical of her decisions and this is something she uses to blame me for her emotional state and actions. She refuses to take responsibility for anything she does usually because of this. She acts entitled to me supporting her and babysitting because "I'm her mother" and does nothing around the home except destroy it.

The moving into my own space was an occasion for us. A celebration. A month later my security was forfeit due to damages. She will not clean up after herself or son and, even though she does not pay rent, isnt respectful each time I approach her about it. She also does not like me setting rules for her son because she is his mom, however, I only set rules to protect my belongings or for his safety when she doesnt.

I have trouble controlling my temper but have been trying to communicate effectively with her by watching tone and approaching it differently. She has made improvements; finally a decent job (finances still problematic if she had own place), not evading my space nor stealing change jars (hundreds $) and stuff. However, her attitude and my quality of life with her here is so bad that I just cant anymore.

She is filthy...and im not a clean freak. Whats more is its a destructive filth. I personallly cannot entertain because of it or must spend hours cleaning it myself when having gatherings. The main bathroom is a pig sty continually. Her bedroom has two closets that are under utilized while her bed and floor are covered with garbage and clothes (her son stays in her room as I only have a 2-bedroom). The garbage is mixed with toiletries that marr every surface and used feminine products and important documents and bills. When I babysit, unless she leaves his things out, he cannot find pjs or anything he needs. I have had to replace most of my furniture twice within 5 years and each time I cook, I have to wash her dishes thats she leaves filled with clogging, solid foods. It is unhealthy for her son and her. She seems incapable of keeping it decent for more than 3-4 days.

I am in my tough love phase and dont fund her at all unless a real emergency and she has made progress as I've stated but its not soon enough. Each argument is destroying our relationship and is affecting my own health physically. I am unable to enjoy my own home spend most of my time in my Master suite when I am home. I can work with her on her other issues but cannot on the disrespect and filth. She was NOT raised like this.

A calm attempt to talk and say I will not be able to babysit her son if she cannot be more dutiful in their bedroom and the kitchen was what has me writing this. Her response "I wont be able to clean it by the time you babysit tomorrow because I'm tired. I got a lot on my mind and I hate that you talk to me like a little kid".

Any advice on what to do? I want out.

I have a 21 year old daughter that lives here with us. She is doing very well in many ways, but in others, she is driving me nuts! She moved out the day she turned 18, thinking she had all the answers. We had had some problemsMore with her in high school, caught her smoking dope and she was doing I don't know what else, sneaking out of the house, etc. We had her arrested at that point, because she was physically destroying our house, shredding books, cursing and attacking us. We kept her grounded for months and got her graduated and she got a good job from a friend of my husband. She performed well in her work, and was able to get her own apartment at 18. She was attending community college and got good grades. Then she started sending all these weird texts to me and at work they said she was out of it for several days. She kept calling and texting that someone was after her, and all these screwy things, and she said she was scared and I should call the cops. I did, and they called me and said come take her to the ER, she had taken something bad. My husband didn't want to go, so because he would just have been a pain on top of everything else, I told him to stay home, and I went and got her. I still don't know what she took. She didn't know where anyone was, what day or year it was, and she started telling me everything she had done over the years that I never knew about. she ended up in the psych ward for 10 days. My older daughter picked her up from there, but she had a very medically compromised baby at that time and it didn't end well. My younger daughter went back to the hospital and tried to get readmitted to the psych ward. She was better but still not all there. We had meanwhile spoken with friends about what to do, and had decided Teen Challenge would be good for her. The hospital would not readmit her. She called us repeatedly to come pick her up. We had all her stuff because we'd had to clean out her apartment. We told her she could come home only if she'd agree to go to Teen Challenge. It took until 11 pm and many phone calls for her to agree. Within a week we had her headed down there, but she swore up and down she would remain an atheist. (we're Christian) She did the program, and the re-entry,where she worked a job. She came back home, because we didn't know what else to do with her. We had her cat, who doesn't know how to use a litter box that whole time. It was a year with her gone, during which time my older daughter's baby passed. My son was also deployed to Kuwait during that time. My husband didn't really want her to move back in and he constantly complained then and now about her cat. Since moving back in my daughter had gotten her old job back, which her boss said she could come back if she would graduate from Teen Challenge, which she did. Then she wanted a more meaningful job, so she underwent training and got a job as a caregiver, and she is really wonderful at that. She is about to complete her associate's degree in Music/arts, and received an academic award for highest grades in her department. She pays her own gas for her car, her own insurance, does her own laundry. She has been vegetarian for many years, but since returning from Teen Challenge, she decided to become vegan, and won't eat anything processed. She constantly wipes out all the fruits in the house, leaving us with nothing for the rest of the week. She borrows all my stuff without asking, and daily leaves messes in the kitchen, claiming she was in too much of a hurry to clean up. She has her boyfriend over till all hours, and though she has done better on that, it's still one more thing. I am proud of her, and hopefully soon we will hear from the college she wants to transfer to, and she will be moving out! I can't afford to feed her the way she wants to eat, but when she buys her own groceries, then she doesn't have enough to make payments on the loan we made her for car repairs. I guess I should be thankful she's alive and doing well, but sometimes it is all so frustrating! Thoughts?

I hAve a 35 year old divorced daughter. She has struggle to pay student loan, apartment and car payment and meds. She either overeats or overspends on junk and constantly asks for money.

I don't know what to do with her anxiety, depression etc . I am trying very hard not to give her money. Trying to make her live on her income. She constantly calls me or comes over. All her friends are married or in relationships , I seem to be her only companion. I am nearing retirement and won't be able to help her then. Tried to get her into activities or exercise , but they cost money.my hubby and her sister constantly tell me she is making it all up, not depressed no anxiety but they are never around her. I am stressed because they won't support her or me . I am trying to help her battle this .

I'm one of these children. However, I follow the rules. I do not work for health reasons (depression, anxiety, underweight). I am working on getting my health taken care of. My husband and I pay rent, $200, as we are trying to get back on our feet. I am 27 and my husband is 43.

However, my brother, who is 31, is working. His wife, who also lives here as well as their 1 year old daughter, recently started working. She occasionally cleans peoples houses. My brother has been living with our parents his whole life. With a minor few months while he was chasing after a girl. He got married in 2014 and their daughter was born in 2015. They've been here the whole time. They constantly allow their child to run amok. Flipping over ash trays, pulling the cats and dogs around by their tails, pulling their ears. All the while her mom sits at the dining room table playing on her phone while the rest of us have to discipline her. Which she doesn't like because we don't discipline the same way she does. She just stands their near her daughter saying "no no", "you mean girl" or something along those lines. It is chaotic. My parents are fed up. They feel they have no control in their own house. They have to ask, repeatedly, to get any money from them. They eat food that both my parents and my husband and I buy. They never buy groceries for the house as the rest of us do. They buy things they like and that no one else eats, despite eating the kinds of food we like. They do not help out around the house unless it pertains to their room, their two dogs or their child. Often which everyone else is also cleaning up after. The dogs were suppose to be here for a few months tops. They have been here for 7 months. We already had two dogs and they would only eat canned food. Because of their two dogs however, we can not give our dogs the canned food because one of their two dogs will eat it all. My sister in law started out saying that they would only eat one specific food, which they bought the first bag of and ever since my parents have been having to buy it. Otherwise the dogs wouldn't eat because my brother and sister in law never get any food for them.

My brother constantly leaves his dishes on the counter, next to the sink. But somehow can't manage to put them IN the sink. He leaves soda cans on the counter. In our house we save the tabs and are recycling the cans. We take the tab off, empty the can and put it in a small plastic bag. He somehow can't manage to do that either. This happens on a regular basis. Normally for dinner we have hamburger helper (2 boxes), beans and biscuits. My mom usually does the cooking. My husband and I have told her she shouldn't cook, we are all grown and can cook for ourselves. But because of my brother and sister in law she feels she has to otherwise they wouldn't eat and would complain that she didn't cook. Anyways, one day my dad was home (he is usually only here for 2 and a half days due to work) and he decided to buy an $18 pot roast, potatoes, carrots, etc. My mom told everyone it was ready and my sister in law got to the kitchen first to make her and my brothers plates. My dad went to get some after her and realized she had gotten half of the pot roast for the two of them! Mean while 4 more adults hadn't gotten any yet. This happen regularly. Just the other night the two of them ended up sharing 2 boxes of hamburger helper. My mom and I got minuscule amounts in comparison, not even a small saucer would've been filled with what we got. And my husband was at work so when he got home there wasn't any left for him. These things I've mentioned happen a LOT. It is annoying, aggravating and it is getting old. It is at the point that my husband and I feel we have to stay in our room when we are here just to avoid dealing with these people.

Just another little story. My mom was in the hospital about 7 years ago, what we all thought was her death bed. We all thought we were going to lose her. My brother showed up once, he was there to introduce his new girlfriend to her... Then when she got out of the hospital. He was out of work and did nothing. My mom had to be given antibiotics through a line going to her heart, she had a tube going to her lung to drain fluid, it was really bad. My husband and I were the ones taking care of her and taking her to doctors appointments, as well as cleaning the house and taking care of all the animals. That's the kind of thing that happens all the time. When something needs to be done we do it. But my brother doesn't, he just avoids doing anything that shows any kind of common sense, common courtesy, respect or responsibility. He has a family and he can't even support them.

My 23 year old daughter currently lives in our home with her 3 year old son. I also work from home. I have set rules expectations and requirements . She constantly has excuse after excuse. I have a set time for my work schedule in which I must follow .More She's to have her son dressed and ready by 7:00am to be dropped off at day care. Afterwards she's to began her day with job hunting, follow up call etc. She completed the medical assistant program at Everest however she has failed the certification examine twice. She's currently scheduled next week to take it again. I have asked her does she need help with study etc. The answer is always no. The disrespect that she shows is horrible . The agreement is not followed. Finally I just told her that she must find somewhere else to live. Her response to me was that she's not going anywhere without a place for her son. As I told her your son is your responsibility not mine. My husband just does nothing, he's her step father. So what I have done is removed the cable box for direct tv from her room and the DVD player. She doesn't currently pay anything because we we're trying to help her along the way so that she could get things in order. She has been with us ever since she found out she was pregnant . I have done all I can do. The disrespect is horrible and I'm tired. Please advise

I have a 20 year old step son living at home that seems to have no directions in his life. My son is a year younger and left our home about 6 months ago because we were pressuring him to get a job or go to school. He is livingMore in another state now closer to his mom. He is working and saving to get his own place. Initially it was hard to let go but i knew that he would be better off if i let him figure it out on his own. So far its seems that he is doing well. Now back to the step son. After he graduated high school 2 years ago he enrolled in a Community college near our home and he was working so I was all for helping him out as much as I could. I decided we should let him use our car to help him out and we would lease a second vehicle. The agreement was that he would pay 200.00 per month towards the 463.00 month car note. He didn't make it through the 1st semester before he quit. Since then I made him start paying the insurance on top of the 200.00. Things have gradually just gotten out of hand and it is causing great strain on his mom and I relationship. He is the only child and I am tired of watching her coddling. He works full time and waste his money. Then asks to borrow money for lunch throughout the week until he gets paid again. He takes out the garbage only after being told numerous times but other than that he does absolutely nothing around the house to help out. He won't even clean up after himself. We came home New years Day and the whole house was filthy, reeked of marijuana blunts and the windows were wide open with the heat on. A huge fight erupted between his mom and I . I was to the point that one of us are going to have to go. He pays nothing towards the house and pays less than half for a car that he drives as if it it his. His mom wants to give him the car now and let him take over the payments. We have been paying for this car for almost 5 years now with 1 year remaining. Call me crazy but the math doesn't add up to me for him to just walk away with a fairly new car and we return our current lease and walk away with nothing. I refused to allow that to happen. Now his mom wants to give her income tax return to him and co sign for him to get a car of his own. I am out of that one. This still didn't resolve our problems inside the house so after reading from your I approached her with a living agreement that we filled out together but now she is getting cold feet and is scared to give it to him. I don't know what else to do.

My son joined the Army Reserves right out of high school. When he came home after boot camp he started going to college and living in a dorm. The following semester he was supposed to be deployed so he didnt go to school and ended up living at home andMore not being deployed. He worked a little bit but complained about it every day. He did start back to school this past fall and I've co signed on his loan once again and he is living in an apartment off of campus. He does have to go to the Army for drill once a month and earns maybe $200 a month. This is not enough to cover his living expenses and his car payment. When he comes home for break he refuses to work. He blames me for wanting him to get a dead end job just like me. (I am an inside sales rep and feel pretty good about what I do). He stays out all night and comes home at 6 or 7 am and sleeps until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. His car needs inspected and needs fixed first. I bought the new tires and brakes but then he found out he need some part that will cost about $500 and refuses to get it fixed. He just recently got a ticket for speeding and another for no inspection (which I paid). Then the following he week he got in trouble for underage drinking. He will be 21 in a week. When I tell him that I will not co sign any more loans he tells me he is going to go active duty for the army or that he will leave and I will never see him again. I know this is just him acting out but it makes me feel awful. Last night he had a girl stay over, even though he has been told that isn't acceptable in our home. So when we tried to talk to him he told my husband and I to "F" off! My husband told him to pack his things and get out. I fought with him last week and he said he was leaving and I told him good. He left for a few days and came home Christmas Eve. School is supposed to start January 23rd. I haven't signed any loans yet and I know he can't get one on his own. I'm not sure what to do. I told him before this last fight last night that I would get him a loan only if he shows me he is responsible and gets his car fixed/inspected. Not sure what to do now. We currently pay his car insurance and cell phone bill too. My name is on his apartment at school so if I don't sign another loan that will also pay his rent for the semester they will be taking me to court to pay the rent. Just at a loss!

Before I post I need to know that this does not go out on social medica and its private. Thanks

I have a 25 year old son living with us who has had a learning disability since birth due to a uterine rupture. His disability affects problem solving, spatial and cognitive issues to name a few. My late husband and I have gone through traumatic things with him. Mostly peopleMore taking advantage of him, bullying in school and him trying to live with the fact he has disability. He has turned to alcohol to dull his pain which has made his life all the more difficult. He is not dealing with the loss of his dad 3 years ago and not dealing with his step dad well either. We have set a few rules, no drinking in the home and no smoking weed in our home. He was functioning well with a job and getting his license finally and buying a vehicle. but still refuses to stop drinking and smoking weed. He desperately needs counseling to learn how to deal with his hurt instead of drinking. We even offered to pay the counselor. He refuses to go. He ended up totaling his truck and losing his job plus now has a DUI. His step dad is livid because now we are back to square one. He was paying rent but can't now. My husband is insistent about kicking him out but I can't agree to turning out my son who has so many problems, no vehicle and no job. His disability will be with him the rest of his life. I am not against trying to help him get out on his own. He's not a freeloader. He wants to be on his own also but he needs to adhere to our house rules. I am hoping someone out there has suggestions for consequences other than kicking him out.

Ok here is my situation, I am a 44 year old single mother. 7 years ago I suffered a traumatic brain injury, my boys were 8 and 5. After about a 11 month recovery I was on my own raising my then 13 year old and 10 year old. MyMore older son was rapidly becoming verbally and physically abusive. Never really having a relationship with his father, who I divorced when he was 6, it was clear that he needed him in his life. He is now turning 16 and seems to have a good head on his shoulders although his living conditions are not ideal. My youngest who will be turning 13 has gone back and forth between me and his father. He is currently living with me and just like his brother at this age is rapidly becoming defiant and abusive to me. I have attempted to home school him which simply isnt working out. He blatantly lies to me, refuses to do the worksheets I provide to him, he has no responsiblities as I cater to his every need. We are renting a room in a not so nice area where I have given my notice and will be moving mid-month with my parents where I can get more support. He is extremely upset by this, not wanting to move, going so far as destroying the moving boxes and unpacking his things that I had already packed .I feel my only choice is to send him back to live with his father where he can implement boundaries much better than I can and I can work on myself as I have been told by many people this is what I need to foucs on. I'm having a very hard time with this thinking it is selfish, that I should be able to care for my own child. Any suggestions anyone might be able to provide would be greatly appreciated, as I want our remaining time together to be positive and loving not abusive and argumentative.

I am on the opposite side of this issue. I am a Grandchild, raised by these Grandparents, who is once again living with them and an Uncle because of divorce, finances, the needs of these significantly aged elders. However, I pay to live here and I see to chores thatMore they can't do or whatever as needed and provide transportation for them. They are still able to certain degrees, one often beyond her actual abilities. I love them but living with my Grandmother is quite difficult. She sees things the way this article seems to layout. I see things differently. I feel that we should be more like roommates considering that I pay and contribute as I would with a roommate and more. Unfortunately, it's HER house, HER way, I have no rights except what she thinks I should have right then, she interferes with correcting my daughter, I have no space that she doesn't feel free to invade and mess with like when I was a child. How do you talk to someone who doesn't listen? How do you show respect in dealing with issues that she doesn't see and who thinks you deserve no more respect than a child? Can this situation be improved or should I just work to move out since I am not the only family that she has to help her? I just don't see any resolution and things get harder as Grandma and my daughter get older.

My 23 year old son lives at home. He graduated college in 2015 and is now in the police academy. He is getting his full pay while in the academy. He decided he would like to buy a home instead of renting an apartment. So he is saving for aMore down payment. He has a small car loan, car insurance and a large school loan that is still in deferment. However he said he wants to start to paying it back next month. His payment will be about $350mth. I currently have him on our cell phone plan. He does do some chores around the house. We would like for him to start paying rent. I would like to know if there is a suggested amount should charge. Is there a formula that is used based on pay? He has his own room. He does buy some of his own food. He does eat with us on occasion. Any advice on an amount would be appreciated.

Hi,

I have 3 step kids, 22, 20 ,19 and 2 are home still. I have major problems with them much of the above mentioned things, laziness, disrespect not doing chores or things requested such as stealing my young daughters school snacks but my question is what can I do as consequences for the adult kids not following rules? I printed the living arrangement form we are going to do which is great! Thank you for that resource, but is there a step or a few before we just say ok you have to get out now? Also one kid has no intention of getting a job or career that will support himself (he works 20hr/week @ Walmart), let alone a driver's license at 19! My husband works a lot and I'm stuck with this brat! He won't even take a shower when I tell him he stinks! I feel no end in sight and the movie step-brothers in my future! 40 years old in a bunkbed in my basement...

Susie59

I hear how concerned and worried you are about your son now

that he has moved in with his father, and I’m glad that you are reaching out

for support. When a child becomes an adult, the role of a parent changes

and becomes more about setting one’s own boundaries around a child’s

behavior. It sounds like you did that when you told him that he needed to

either work or attend college in order to remain in your home. The other

part of this is that your son is now an adult, and so he has the power to make

his own decisions, even those that you do not agree with or understand.

At this point, it will be most effective to focus on your own responses, rather

than trying to make your son change his mind or move back in with you.

For example, you might call, text or email him, and let him know that you are

thinking of him, and care for him. Even if he is not responding to you,

you are doing what you can to keep the lines of communication open between you.

I also encourage you to take steps to make sure that you are taking care of

yourself right now. Your self-care plan can include anything you like,

from engaging in an activity you enjoy to using more structured support, such

as a counselor or support group. For information on available supports in

your community, try contacting the http://www.211.org/

at 1-800-273-6222. I recognize how difficult this must be for you right

now, and I wish you and your family all the best moving forward. Take

care.

I am not sure where to turn to ask questions or get some advise for me to work thru a HUGE decision!! Today I received a phone call from my 23 daughter who when she was 17 jumped out of my window to live with her dad and since thenMore have not had much of an relationship. I have physically seen her 3 times since and in 2 years we have talked a handful of times. She has been struggling to live since she moved out of her dads at 18. Now she has NO place else to go and wants to live with me (she lives in another state). My husband is very supportive and he has expressed the same concerns as I have so we are on the same page. I want to help but not sure having her move in in a good choice! I feel that a stranger is moving in. I don't know anything about my adult daughter. I know we need to work on our relationship which I have been trying for years but not much from her. Any good resources??

Help! I have a son that will be 15 in November and he wakes up with a disrespectful attitude towards me and his sister everyday for no reason at all. Discipline means nothing to him and when he gets mad because he is being told to stop being disrespectful heMore slams doors and punches holes in the wall. I'll repeat discipline means nothing to him. Getting him up in the morning is just as challenging as getting him to have his room clean and in the bed at his scheduled bedtime everyday. Nothing gets through to him. Many people say whip his behind. It doesn't matter if you whip him or not, he will only get madder, so there's no point. You can take away all of his privileges. It doesn't matter he will just harass us and abuse us either verbally or physically as well as beat more holes in the walls. I'm so ready for him to get through high school and out of my home.

I am at a loss. My grown daughter and her kids live with us following a divorce. She's sick a lot. She has depression and PTSD. She has found a job after 8 months but the salary will not enable her to live on her own. The problem is theMore constant blow ups. I feel like I do everything from going to the market to preparing meals to doing laundry. I am retired but my husband still works. I'm frustrated and want to find a way for things to be better. I feel this would be beneficial to her children as well as the rest of us. The problem is the constant blow ups. I get so aggravated with the never ending sickness. But also I'm tired of working hard in this house with little or no help. So I need to find a positive way to change things while they live here. We need a better way to relate to each other when there's a conflict. And I need to feel respected in my home.

I'm in a difficult situation and not sure what to do. Two years ago I divorced my husband, who financially ruined me. I have two sons, ages 18 & 20. My youngest son left the marital home and came to live with me, as my older son stayed with hisMore dad. For two years I rented a 3-bedroom condo in case my older son wanted to move in. During this time I met someone and just recently moved into my BF home with my younger son, who will be attending college next month. Now, that the marital home is going into foreclosure and my ex-husband must leave the home, he has no intentions on finding a place with two bedrooms so that my 20-year-old can live with him. The problem is...my 20-year-old has a violent temper, he lies and repeatedly steals money out of my pocketbook when he comes around. He is totally disrespectful to me and I do not want him living with me. He was attending community college (even though I've never seen any grades or know how he is doing) and has a part-time job. Whenever I ask him questions about school or his finances, I'm told "it's non of my business." Now, the other day he asked me if he can move in with me.... how do I tell him no? He's my child. Yes, he's 20 years old, but he is extremely immature and is not able to support himself on a part-time minimum wage job. Any suggestions???

So I am kinda at a stand still with my fiance concerning his 21 year old son who moved in with us at the begining of the year. When I agreed for him move in he was to get a job and save money so he could pay off $1,000More he owed to a college he attended in other state, save for going to a paramedic school here (also $1000) and start saving towards getting his own place. All the while pitching in the bare minimum for living expenses. ($300 a month) I thought it was going as planned he got a job right away bring home over $1000 a month until i found that he hasn't saved anything. Hasn't went and got his driver's licence or done anything toward becoming independent. When I brought this up to his Dad and said something has to change (we are struggling financially to be able to support him and our 2 small children who actually need us to) he flipped out and said that he would do whatever he needed to do to make sure his "baby" was taken care of. And that he would do it for all his kids. It has gotten to the point that I have considered taking our kids and leaving cause I just cant take the stress of it anymore. I have even tried talking to the 21 year old himself and all I get in return is, "well my dad said this or my dad said that" (and most of the time when i ask his dad about that he says that he didnt say those things) I am just at the end of my rope with the whole thing. I feel like the 21 year old is taking from the 2 small children because he doesnt want to support himself. I just dont know how to go about dealing with this anymore

Daughter is 32 is in an abusive marriage has 2 children 3 and 1 and now expecting baby no. 3. She left him in Oct. and returned to him in mid April which is a pretty common pattern. When she comes here she never cleans up after the children orMore herself. She says we treat her like she is 12; but she doesn't respect our house, our requests and the fact she is working us to death. We keep the children when she works even if her husband (their father) is at home. We don't want to turn them away because we would rather have the grandchildren with us than with him. Everytime I say something to her about cleaning up her mess she gets very defensive and tells me she will, but she doesn't . She does act like she is 12 when it comes to this! HELP!!! We are so very tired of this, going on 9 years of back and forth! She filed for divorce 2 1/2 years ago, but then found out she was pregnant so she felt she needed to give it another try. Everyone in her circle of influence and mine has adviced her to leave. I believe she suffers from relationship addiction, nothing else makes no sense in why she keeps going back.

my husband died a few years ago I have been dating this man I am 46 have two grown children independent college grads ages 25 and 22 he has one child a daughter that is just 20. I believe since he has one child is the reason she is spoiledMore and also girls are close to their dads. I do think he has great intents for her as a father. they both live with me in my home that I own. he has a house but rents it out. I have noticed she gets to do what ever she wants.. at 20. she has more male friends than girls to hang out with. Its not uncommon for her to come home with a male-- friend.. they go to her room and change and then go out for the night.. I don't agree with it.. I have said something he says they are friends. I dont' know if she changes in front of them.. or she uses the upstairs bathroom.. but... I don't think its right. she does have a boyfriend but he is out of town, and only sees on weekends. She does have a part time job and does go to college locally, thus that is why she lives here. my problem is, she doesn't do anything around here. she seldom socializes with us. she eats and washes HER plate. leaves everything else in sink.. if there are 2 cups in the sink she will just leave them. they aren't hers is what she thinks I don't know. she cant even keep her room neat and tidy. laundry everywhere nothing hung up just as you would think it was a 13 year olds room. she washes her laundry doesn't fold it lives out of the basket.since its my house she is living in I finally broke down and cleaned her room with the notion the two of them will have to get over it if they are mad I did. I made her room did her laundry and showed her how I wanted that room kept. in the mitz of it all I found alcohol in her closet. I have yet to mention it to my boyfriend... as I think he thinks he has a goodie goodie daughter... I think she plays him. she has had multiple speeding tickets.. now she can only have state insurance he does make her pay on her own... well how do I tell him .. she has to clean up the room take on some responsibility around here or both of you can get the hell out.. I really like him.. but its not worth all this for me. can someone give me some tips on what to do or say.

I am totally torn about a decision I have had to make concerning my son. He came to live with me and my fiancee about 2 months ago. We told him that there were very specific rules that he needed to follow, and he broke every one of them. HeMore knew that the consequence of his actions was that he would have to leave, but he broke the rules anyway. I felt that it was important for him to feel the consequences of his actions, but his father stepped in as usual, questioned my parenting skills, told me that I was heartless and that I wanted my son to be homeless, which is very far from the truth on all counts. This is a young man who dropped out of college and didn't tell anyone for 6 months, constantly late for work, constantly late getting home from work, and completely obsessed with precisely measuring everything he cooks so that he takes forever to make anything. He knew that, if he was going to stay here, he would need to find a job asap, preferably full time. Then, after he got a part-time job, he stopped looking for a full time job. He has had problems with his eating and his finances, and we have tried to help him with both, but he just resists us at every turn. It has caused a great deal of stress in my home, and I have been literally ill because of the stress. I have worked for a long time on myself, trying to get stronger and more confident, but this situation has done a job on all of that. I am trying to hold fast to my decision, but it's been very difficult - I want to just cave and let him stay an extra week, when he'll be going back to NYC to live with his brother. I've had discussions with several relatives of my ex-husband, including his aunt. Our original idea when he first came here was that my son would stay with my ex-husband's aunt and he would find work near where she lives (we live in a small town, and jobs have been pretty scarce). That fell through originally, but now my ex has arranged for my son to stay with her for a week and then go back to NYC. My ex will not have my son back before then under no uncertain terms - when he moved out originally, his stepmom told him that he could never come back, and my ex is sticking with that. I feel bad about my son going to stay with my ex's aunt because she is an older lady and she's had some losses lately of family members, but of course my ex is her nephew and she would never refuse him anything. My fiancee and I have tried to stand as a team, but it's been difficult with my son's father butting in and deciding everything for everybody. Am I doing the right thing by letting my son stay with his aunt for a week? Any advice would be appreciated.

M J G

This sounds like a very challenging situation. I can only

imagine how distressing this must be for you. Unfortunately, we’re not able to

offer you any specific suggestions for how to move out on your own. Our website

is aimed at helping people who are in a direct parenting role learn more

effective ways of addressing problems they may face while raising their

children. It might be beneficial to talk with legal counsel to find out what

options are available for you. The 211 Helpline, a national non-profit referral

service, would be able to give you information on legal services in your area.

You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by

visiting them online at http://www.211.org/. We wish you

the best of luck moving forward. Take care.

Hi, I have three children. My middle son (23) has moved out for a year now and my daughter (18) is in her first year at University. My oldest son just turned 26 and is still living at home. He has anxiety, although not diagnosed as he won't go toMore the doctor or get any therapy. He graduated with a Bachelor of Geography in 2014 and has a pizza delivery job (20 hours) a week and has been doing this since high school which was 9 years ago. He has no other experience. He has applied for no jobs since he graduated from university, he hasn't been out with friends for six months, he basically sits in his room on his computer all day and works 5 evenings a week. He uses alcohol to ease his anxiety. I cannot stand another day of this. I get irritated every time he is around. I hate having him home all day. I want to kick him out and I tried and he said he has no where to go. He pays $300 rent and owns his own car. Not sure what to do. He can't seem to get his life started and frankly I give up. My husband works away from home and has a stressful job so I can't really explain to him how bad it really is.

My 24 year old son is difficult to live with. Long story, short: Husband died unexpectedly almost two years ago. Son has been angry and disrespectful to me and his teen sister. He works part time and attends college part time. Struggles with his college courses and has a lowMore GPA. He has Aspherger's, is creative artistically but often misdirected in his goals. I requested that he attend counseling at least 3 times a month. He only went once and continues to make appointments and then cancel, rescheduling the appoint for a month later! I am tired of his behavior. My family tries to help but my brothers (male role models) live hours away. My husband's family has been of no help even though my son is in constant contact with them. They have not spoken to me for over a year. I believe they think I am responsible for my husband's death. I am in the process of drafting a Living Arrangement for the the two of us to sign. If he refuses to sign or does not follow the arrangement, I will tell him to leave. I want peace in my home.

Hi, there is an age difference of 12 years between myself and my husband - him being 12 years older than I am. we have completely different views of how to treat our children - who are now all adults. 22, 24 , 26. Yesterday we fought about duties at homeMore - they are all at home over weekends so I expect them to help with duties, dishes, etc - especially clean up after themselves.. My husband's opinion is that they are our "children" and we should do things for them. I am not able to convince him otherwise. please assist in letting me know how to handle this?

I have a 21 year old granddaughter that her grandfather and I raised from 18 month old. She has had much love, opportunity and advantages. She now chooses to live the life she was taken from. While she was in her teen age years and on she refused to doMore anything. She doesn't clean a room, do any chores, it was like pulling teeth to even convince her to get a drivers license which now has been suspended due to not paying outstanding tickets. She is living with her boyfriend and does nothing. She will not hold a job.. Seems her only ambition is to get up each morning and search for pot and now alcohol. We have had many disagreements even to violence. I am not my wits end as to how to get through to her or motivate her. One of the main problems is I can not accept such behavior. Because of my attitude and hers it just creates havoc constantly. Now that she has moved I have very little contact with her and it is literally killing me. PLEASE HELP!!!

About a month ago my 22 year old son went into a rage over a relatively minor consequence that I imposed over the use of his window air conditioner. He was cursing yelling and slamming doors. I warned him to stop behaving like that in my house. The next dayMore his mother and I were arguing in front of him about the situation and he slammed his bedroom door because we were disturbing him. I burst into his room and scolded him never to slam his door in my face again. He said "why don't you hit me so I can call the police and get you arrested". The next day I sent him an email telling him that because of his threats and trying to provoke me, he has until the end of this year to find another place to live. I also withdrew from his saving account the value of my car that I have been letting him drive and told him to take the title and transfer the car to his name. I also withdrew $1000 I had recently given him toward his final college tuition payment. In addition I told him he would now pay $200/month in rent until he leaves and I withdrew $800 in advance. The next day he packed a few clothes and has been staying with friends ever since. Its been over a month now and he refuses to tell us where he is staying. My wife has had a few short text messages from him but we are not sure what to do. Should we reach out to him or wait for him to come back to us.

Hi there! I'm going to begin by a little of my background, I'm from Central America, immigrated 15 years ago after my brother was murdered, I have a 24 year old daughter, had her at 16 my parents are really strict Christians, they were ashamed and I had toMore leave my baby in the care of my Aunt who was the only one willing to help me while I work, then she was living with her full time, meet my husband and emigrated, we were able to get a green card for her too and she came whe she was 17 year old, angry and treating me like a enemy who left her, true is my aunt love her like her own(never married or had children) sadly she died months after my brother and leave her at 11 year old, we carried a lot of emotional baggage but been able to survive, even when she's angry, snap at me really easy I always encourage her to study and have a title while we both work to provide for her now 6 years after college and a Master in Legal and Ethical Studies she never left home and now just sleeps until noon, don't help with chores, don't clean her room or after herself goes from 1 to a 100 at me yelling me at public and the last serious fight she throw a cup with some ice cream at me, I snapped and told her that next time that she raise her hand at me she was out of my house, she doesn't paid a dime for anything, I went to work 3 weeks after knee surgery and really ruined my health to the point to have to quit 1 year after, now I'm home trying to recover, I feel guilty and feel like I haven't done anything right with her I tried to reinforce the rules but everything is a big fight and no results the last thing she stole some money (coins) guess a couple of hundreds, my husband is a good provider and he doesn't want anything to do with her, now we are both home and this is war, I don't know what to do anymore and I'm afraid she start cutting .. She did it in the past(she went to a professional), in a couple of steps.. 1. She's 24.. 2. She doesn't work or ever pay anything no for her car insurance, cell, food..Etc.. 3. She's agresive to me.. 4. She stole(pay for her credit cards) .. 5. She doesn't help around the house.. 6. She doesn't respect me.. And it's my fault for let her walk all over me but I been trying to reinforce rules, talking with her heart to heart and no matter what she doesn't appreciate anything and I'm bulgar, don't know how to act (I have my college degree from my country.) I'm just 40 and at top of everything she's ashamed of me..I don't know what to do anymore and I don't have the tools or skills to fix it... Help.. Please .. Thank you

Hello,

I am a single mother of my now nineteen year old son who seems to disregard or respond to all and every limit I have ever tried to and still try to enforce. At his age of 14, I needed to work full time therefore was no longer able to be the hands on parent he required In terms of getting him up and to school, fighting abut going to school, eat properly, take care of himself physically or mentally or remain in his sport activities. This was required the whole time, every single day which I did and he did ok. Since then he quit and got kicked out of almost every school, engages in antisocial behaviour and done nothing but isolate and do drugs, play video games and breaks many of our basic house rules. He has previous diagnosis of ADHD, ODD, anxiety and depression, learning disabilities among others which were exacerbated shortly after his father died requiring some phyciatric intervention and supports all in which his participation was superficial ang guarded. After more challenges, I reluctantly tried pharmaceuticals with some good effect however he does not follow through with anything including being medication compliant or therapy. He has zero motivation, is underweight, still does not feed himself sufficiently and refuses to job seek, exercise or seemingly anything that will impact his life positively. Often he does not even tend to his basic ADL's like showering or even brushing his teeth. Financially and mentally I am getting burned out. He lies, cheats and steals from me frequently and feel I have become an "enabler" despite my u respected limits and best intentions. When confronted he denies everything including the obvious. His temper is verbally abusive and often intimidating or violent. I have allowed myself to because socially isolated and live in shame for some of his behaviours that others have discovered. I love him dearly however he has no insight or accountability. I feel my situation is hopeless

I'm having some challenges with my 25 year old daughter. I posted about this a few months ago as well. I'll be a brief as possible. She left home at 18 to attend university and has not lived with us consistently since then. The most she has been home is 1-2 months. I'm divorced from her father whom I have a good relationship with and I remarried 4 years ago. She is polite to my husband, but it is obvious that she wishes he wasn't around. We decided to rent out her room via airbnb to provide an additional income and help us pay off our mortgage. We informed her of this more than 1 year ago and starting in July. She went back to school in July and has moved away again. She was very unclear about dates for her summer break. I explained to her that she could stay with us for a week and that we wanted to make the room available for airbnb because of the busy summer season. Her response: 'that's it". It turns out that her break is for 1 moth.

There was lots of back and forth emails with me trying to state my case and her stating that she felt shame and abandoned, not welcome and that she doesn't belong. We finally agreed to disagree and move forward. This last week she stayed with us and it was ok. We did a few things together, but mostly she was quite dismissive. I tried to remind her on Sunday that she had to leave yesterday because a guest was checking in. She snapped at me a few times and refused to talk to about it. I sent her an email to remind her when she had to be out and also mentioned in the email dates that were available to her at the end of her month off and that she can have the room for 3 weeks at X-mas.

After she received this email she has barely spoken to me and has been very rude. I sent her a text wishing her a good camping trip, no response.

I know she is acting out and that it is important for us to keep the boundary firm. I just don't know what else to do and I'm trying to understand what is going on with her? She is not interested in talking about this. I was planning on visiting her in October for a few days and was going to send her a bit of money each month to help with food. I now feel that both are a really bad idea since there is so much tension. My husband things that I will just be rewarding bad behaviour.

I'm so stressed out; can't sleep etc. Any help is greatly appreciated. Thank-you!!

I have a 22 y.o. son who suffers from depression and possible borderline personality disorder. At age 19 he moved to the city to go to school. It was a bit of a disaster as I had to go every month to clean up his mess and make sureMore he had food and such. His grandfather paid his living expenses while he was in school. He finished his course and moved back home a year ago. He has not made ANY serious attempts to find employment. He has never been employed. He inherited a lump sum when he turned 21 and is living comfortably off that - but eventually it will be gone. A few months ago we began charging him rent which he is paying from his inheritance. He now seems to feel that since he is paying rent he can do whatever he wants. He sleeps until 12 every day. He goes canoeing, hangs out with friends, and spends the rest of the time locked away in his room on the computer. He refuses to do anything around the house. He even eats in his room just avoid being with us. He is incredibly messy and sometimes after giving him fair warning, I go in and clean because the smell gets bad! He leaves messes in the kitchen every day. He says he cleans, but it's not clean to our standards! The tension and resentment is becoming very intense. My husband and I feel so trapped and stuck - we are near the breaking point. I will try this agreement but generally he will go along with it for a while just to appease us, but nothing ever changes. I know that his depression really affects his ability to move forward - but at some point we can't take it anymore. I really don't know what to do...

Confused an concerned mom,

26 yr old child moved back in after 7 yr relationship went down. Since 4 weeks in she had been influence by agame called second life or something of sorts. She is on the game all the time into the night even work nights, she does work too. Just worried that this is her new life. An the old life is no more. These people are real but I know you can be what u want in this game world. just phase or what she is smart but not a go getter. Need ground rules or something.

I have a 20 yr old son. He is very bright and went to college for two years. His grades were not the best and finally gave up and failed every class this last semester. While in college he struggled and my husband and I told our son we wouldMore pay for everything while he was in college and give him a stipen if his grades stayed above a 3.0. Well he lost his stipen after his first year and was able to get a job at the college working 10 hours a week. He lost his scholarship and we after his first year and we had a talk with him and agreed to pay for his college too if he maintained a 2.5. His first year he partied, drinking and using marijuana. He got several speeding tickets and a minor in possession charge. Second year transferred to a different harder, but smaller college. He scored very high on his ACT in high school. He had wanted to be an engineer. This last semester he had a tutor and I would call and ask him how he was doing and he would say his grades were good. Well when he came home after this last semester he told us he didn't want to go to college anymore, he wasn't motivated to do the work. It was too hard and he had to spend all of his free time studying and he was not willing to do that anymore. He stated he was going to join the navy and wanted to be on a submarine, and then maybe go back to school on the gi bill. We were shocked and only about 2 weeks later I found out he had lied about his grades and failed every class. When confronted he admitted he had been lying and he just couldn't keep up with the grades so he gave up about half way through the last semester. Now that he is home he is working almost 40 hours a week, plays video games the rest of the time or sleeping. We have found alcohol in his vehicle. He says he is not smoked dope for 2 months. We have suggested he check into doing to college here and living at home as an option to the navy. He has not followed through on checking with a recruiter or into taking any classes. He is just in limbo. He goes out at night, stays out all night with friends, goes to strip clubs with friends, etc. All of which he knows we do not approve. He has also got another warning ticket for speeding. We did not raise him to be this way. His dad and I have had several talks with him, he just agrees but we do not see him trying to change and do the right things for his future. We have told him he has to start paying for his car insurance and his cell phone with the money he gets from working. We are very worried and don't know what to do. It seems he does not care about his future. Suggestions. Where did we go wrong?

How exactly is the agreement enforceable? I have 23 year old daughter who will sign whatever to get us off her back, and will probably then revert to her same old negative behaviors. Please advise, I think the idea is well intentioned, but what is in place to ensure compliance?

I have a 19 year old son living at home. He graduated 1 year ago from high school, and has worked part time since he graduated. He was on hold for over 6 months waiting to hear the decision on his medical waiver for the USMC. When they denied his waiver he found another job that has better hours and pay. He is working hard and loves his new job and is working to get a full time job with the company. (as an aside - his father passed away tragically when my son was 13 years old.) He is also talking about starting college this fall.

He has been angry with me off and on since his father passed away. It is my lack of being strict enough at times that he got to the point he is at now.

Last week he verbally crossed some lines and found this website and took heart to what was said. We are working on the living agreement now - but I need advice on what consequences to give an adult child that doesn't adhere to the "quiet time" rules of the house. My boyfriend gets up at 4 every morning because he has to be at work so early. When my son comes home at midnight or later the dogs bark and it wakes my boyfriend up. I have narcolepsy - so I go right back to sleep easily. My boyfriend is a lite sleeper and it is hard for him to go back to sleep.

We sat down as a family and talked with my son about "quiet time", disrespectful behavior, money responsibilities, household responsibilities, and alcohol and drugs rule. We set "quiet time" hours for 10pm Sunday - Thursday night(unless he is working later than 10pm), and midnight on Friday and Saturday. He got off work at 11pm last night and didn't come home until after 1am. He is aware that if he is disrespectful to me again he will be told to leave the house for 24 hours. The 2nd time will be a week out of the house. The third will be his finally strike and he will be told to move out.

The "quiet time" rule is more of a respect the other people in the house rather than a "curfew" to control him. But I just don't know what to do to make him realize we mean business.

Any suggestions would be appreciated. I think we are on the right track with the living agreement, he has hugged me and told me "i love you" 3 times this past week. He stopped telling me he loved me after his father died.

about to crack

I am sorry you are having to face such a tough decision. More

than a few parents with adult children living at home have found themselves in

similar circumstances, so, you’re not alone. Your son is an adult and it’s OK

for you as a parent to set boundaries around how much you are willing to

support him now that he is an adult. Considering the information you have

shared, it sounds like your son may be taking advantage of the situation by

stealing from you while he is living under your roof. It would be within your

rights to contact the police about the theft because, even though he is your

son, it is still illegal for him to take money from you without permission.

Having him leave the home seems like it may be a good alternative for you.

It’s normal for a parent to worry about how their adult child will

respond when asked to leave the home. I understand there may be some additional

concern due to his medical diagnosis. You may find it helpful to talk with

someone from the National Suicide Lifeline about your concerns. S/he may be

able to help you develop a plan for addressing your worries as well as figuring

out what steps you may be able to take to help your son stay safe. You can

reach the Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. It may also be of benefit to take steps to

take care of yourself as well. I’m sure this is a difficult transition for you,

one that may cause you some distress and worry. Finding ways to recharge, like

spending time with friends or doing an activity you enjoy, could be one way of

dealing with that distress. Some people also find more structured help in the

form of a support group or counselor to be helpful as well. If this is

something that interests you, you could contact the 211 Helpline for

information on resources in your community. They are available 24 hours a day

and can be reached by calling 1-800-273-6222. We wish you and your son the best

of luck as you work through this transition. Take care.

Our daughter will be 23 years old next month. She is living with us and her 19-year old brother. She quit college about three years ago after failing all her classes and being told mom and dad would not pay for her college if she failed classes repeatedly. Since then,More she has gotten 8 or 10 different jobs only to quit or get fired. She spent the last year and a half coming and going, she'll disappear for days and weeks, only to find out she has a boyfriend we have never met but don't approve of based on what little we do know about him. Three months ago, she informed us she is pregnant. She is due 8/31/15. She continues to live with us, has no job and has lost the privilege of the use of our vehicles due to reckless behavior and proving to be untrustworthy in the recent past. She constantly says she can't get a job because she doesn't have a vehicle and she can't get a place of her own because she has no money. We are paying for her doctor appointments and everything else. She refuses counseling, which we feel she desperately needs. We know many would say, "kick her out, let her live the adult life she says she has and she'll figure it out," but how do we do that in good conscience when a baby is involved now? She gets government aid for health care now but chooses to go to a doctor who does not accept it, so we pay for what our employer provided insurance doesn't cover. She does not qualify for any other government assistance because she lives with us and we make too much money. If she were out of our house, I'm sure she would get all kinds of assistance, but we'd have to pay for her housing and/or a vehicle to get her started. That is scary to us too. Where do we start to get her to live independently and also to be accountable for her own choices and behavior? Please help.

well today my spouse and I had "a talk" with my 21 yr old son & my 24yr old daughter. We told them we (mainly me the mom) were tired of being a "a motel manager""in my home. I do feel they are tenants and I am the manager. The oldest works part time and the younger goes to school 2x a week (for 2 hrs). Neither pay rent,contribute monetarily, or in any other way to help with the house expenses. I'm retired 3 yrs now and I never expected to be a full time maid. We assumed my kids would be out and on their way by now My daughter moved back home after living on her own for 3-4 yrs (dorm) then married, they both moved in to "save for a place". They divorced 6 months ago and now my daughter can't afford to live on her own. That's fine, but, I told her I would appreciate her help with the house hold chores. My son is a part time college student who spends 90% of his time playing games on his high tech PC. When ever we let him know about a job, he has an excuse for not "liking" it. He has worked part time off and on a couple of times. But now enough to make any difference. He's been saying he's gonna get a job for the last year. Ok.

I didn't retire to sweep, mop & clean after them. She says she "always ask's me if I need anything". Yes, and I tell her what I need. But it doest get done until the next day sometimes and I hate walking on a sick floor or cooking on a messy counter. And why should i have to "tell her what to do" when its not that difficult to do the basics, and not all the time. My son barelys helps out also and only when I ask him to do something. I kinda blew it the other night when I had asked him to was the car (he uses it too) and he said OK, but never did it. The next day I needed to use it so I washed it. I asked him to help me by taking out the kitchen trash because it was over full. Again he said ok, but 5 hours later it was still sitting there, smell and all. What put me over was when he came out to get some food and saw it, but went back to his room/video game. After I asked him what happen, why hasn't he done what I asked and he replied "whats the hurry"? I blew it. Yelled at him and went back to my TV and cried to myself. My spouse goes to sleep by 7pm because he has to get up by 4am. He does help when he can but doesn't see what I have to deal with daily. He also feels we "have to help them". So he's a big softy when it comes to enforcing anything. He does support me when I complain to him, but its hard because he's always working. I agree with the articles here that we are enabling our "kids" by letting them live off us. Anyway, after our talk, they seemed to agree with us. After I felt so guilty for asking what their plans were for the future (moving out, getting work). And because my spouse had told them that they 'needed to appreciate me more". I just felt awkward, like I was being too petty. After we had finished our "talk" I could hear them laughing. When I questioned my son what was funny,he said "that you feel like a manager". My daughter left to day to stay the week with her cousin, which she does every week for at least 5 days. My son left town to take a friend back to his dorm in another city and will be gone the weekend. My spouse feels "we got through' to them, but I know it won't last. We've been here before many times. Should I feel bad? Good? Guilty, for wanting them to "grow up"?

My daughter is 20 (21 in May), she is working full time and going to school full time. With that being said, she graduated High School and went off to College to only come home for Thanksgiving and had a stroke, she has fully recovered after several surgeries etc withMore only one issue of a constant ringing in her ear. Now 2 almost 3 years later I have given her a time frame to move out and given her conditions of living with me until she moves out. Now about a month ago she was in an auto accident (she was fine - just a ton of damage to the car). She paid for the deductible on the car and now she is broke again. I can't seem to catch a break with her.. every time we get to a place where she can save money something else happens and we have another set back, which is understandable. But now let's get into her living arrangements - all I ask is that she pay her car payment, insurance, contribute for utilities and groceries as well as keep her room clean, take care of her dogs (yes HER) and keep her bathroom clean. She keeps switching jobs and I have to pick of the slack with paying her bill and I have to constantly get after her to do the minor things let alone get any help with the remainder of the house. I am overly frustrated and have no idea what else to do. She constantly spends money on coloring her hair, going out to eat, getting her nails done, clothes etc. and wont save any money. I have written her a budget to follow and she ends up just blowing her money. I am at a point where I want to take over her bank account and save for her but doesn't that defeat the purpose of her becoming an independent adult?

My daughter (32 years old) thinks that I forget about everything ( me 72years old) and she continuously steals every thing from me. She believes I don't notice. I don't ask her because she will denay it and she will be angry at me. please advise me what to do,More thanks

HI
My son is 18 and never comes home during daytime hours. He lies and has stolen from us in the past although money is now monitored carefully. I don't know where he is and my main worry is where he is getting his money from to eat.He earns a smallMore wage which just about covers his journey to work and back. This accounts for only a few hours of his day .What consequences can I put in place to get him to start coming in before 11 and stop lying about everything.While i dont want to know where he is every minute ,there are currently about 8 hrs per day unnacounted for. Only time he phones me is to swear at me if he has a car problem and so i hang up. Any advice??

Read more: Rules, Boundaries, and Older Children: How to Cope with an Adult Child Living at Home

Ground Rules for Living With an Adult Child (Plus Free Living Agreement)

By Megan Devine, LCPC

1. “Anytime I try to enforce something, my child responds: ‘I’m an adult. You can’t tell me what to do.'”

2. “I tell my child to find a job, or follow the rules, or go to class, but she doesn’t listen. You’d think she’d move out to get me off her back, but she doesn’t seem to care how much I hassle her.”

3. “My child is depressed (or has anxiety issues, etc.). I can’t just put him out on the street; he’s not capable of living alone.”

4. “My adult child isn’t the problem, but her children are. I can’t enforce my house rules on my grandchildren, and my daughter won’t do it either.”

5. “I’d be happy to enforce rules and consequences, but my spouse would let our adult child live here forever, so there’s no point in having a living agreement.”

6. “It’s just not easy out there anymore. Most people I know can’t find a good-paying job and are struggling financially. What chance does my kid have?”

Conclusion

About Megan Devine, LCPC