“I feel alone,” a mom of an out-of-control teen said to me recently. “I don’t go out much anymore, and to be honest, my family isn’t really invited to things because of my son’s behavior.” If you have an acting-out child or teen, you probably feel isolated. You’ve gotten tired of hearing criticisms from family and friends, and perhaps you’ve pulled back from social functions. I think when you have a child who’s out of control, in many ways it’s like living with an alcoholic family member. After a while, parents give up trying to change anything, and they often don’t talk about it, either—they just keep all their shame, blame and sense of failure inside.
“Parent the child you have, not the child you wish you’d had.”
You’re likely to isolate even more as your child’s behaviors become more extreme. You question your parenting ability, even though your child’s behavior may not have anything to do with what you did or didn’t do. Here’s the simple truth—some kids are just more difficult than others. That is why it’s so important to “parent the child you have, not the child you wished you’d have.”
Related content: A Day in the Mind of Your Defiant Child
It’s important to stress that anyone can change at any time—even your acting-out child. Part of what kids need when they’re out of control is for parents to make some changes so that the child can feel safer. No matter how they act, kids don’t really want to be that out of control, because it doesn’t feel safe. Here are—6 things I suggest to parents in this situation to help them take back control of their homes and start parenting differently.
1. Know your bottom line. Know your bottom line and stick to it. Developing self-respect helps you set more limits; it also builds on itself. When you set limits, be ready and willing to follow through. Don’t use idle threats because your child may call your bluff. For example, your bottom line might be that your teen won’t be allowed to take the family car out on the weekend if he swears at you or calls you or other family members names during the week. Again, if you’re going to set a limit, stick with it. Don’t let him have those car keys on Friday night if he called his sister a “b—h” on Wednesday. Don’t be surprised if there is a negative reaction from your child. Just remember, he needs to own his behavior and be accountable for it. Things won’t change for your teen if he’s making it your problem as a parent.
2. Teach your child to problem solve. As a parent, you are the teacher, coach and limit setter for your child. Part of your job is to teach her how to solve her problems appropriately. When things are calm, you can say, “This behavior won’t solve your problem. Yelling at me because you’re angry about having to go to bed won’t help you—it will only get you into more trouble. So how can you solve this problem differently next time?” Listen to what she has to say, and suggest ideas if she can’t come up with anything. Some examples might be: “You could walk away. You could write down how you’re feeling on a piece of paper or in a journal. You could listen to music.” This is really powerful because you’re saying, “It’s not about me, it’s about you. And it’s not in your best self-interest to behave this way. How can you change what you’re doing so you don’t get into trouble next time?”
3. Aim for small victories. Take small steps and look for gradual change. The change could be as small as disengaging from an argument rather than getting drawn into a power struggle with your child. One way to start is to stand up for yourself. Saying something like, “Don’t talk to me that way, I don’t like it” is an immediate victory and it starts to shift your behavior. It helps you to start moving forward as a positive, effective parent. Look for small successes and take a moment to acknowledge them when they happen.
4. Work on one behavior at a time. Choose the behavior that’s the most serious to address first and begin to plan the steps to change this. Work on getting that under control and then move onto the next behavior on the list. Let’s say you’re the parent of a teen who’s engaging in risky teen behavior and breaking curfew, swearing, not doing his homework, and being disrespectful. What can you realistically aim for here? You have to figure out as a parent what you can live with and where to start. You can’t tackle everything at once or you’re going to fail. Look for safety issues first. Ask yourself, “How do I keep the rest of my family safe? How do I keep my teen safe the best I can?” Work on getting your teen home by curfew by setting limits around it and enforcing consequences, and then move on to the next thing on your list.
5. Be “planful.” Plan out what you’re going to say to your child ahead of time, before he acts out again. Deliver your message in as matter-of-fact of a way as possible. Besides helping you to remain businesslike and objective, this also helps you to separate from your child’s behavior by not getting drawn into a fight. The conversation can be, “Your behavior isn’t acceptable. I’ve decided it has to change, and this is what the plan is.” Or “We as parents have decided to change to this plan.”
6. Ask for help. Stretch your expectations of your support system. If you stay isolated, things often get worse, making you feel more alone than ever. You might not think there’s anybody out there who will listen or help, but you might be surprised at how people react. A friend might be willing to meet you for coffee once a week and talk, for example, knowing that you’re going through a bad time. As a parent, it’s critical to ask for help and talk about what’s going on, whether you go to a therapist, find a support group, talk to folks at your child’s school or find a trusted family member or friend to confide in. Just put it out there and be open to feedback.
When Kids Push Back After You Make Changes
You can’t always predict what will happen when you start making changes in your parenting style. Some kids will “push back,” but others might not. Your adolescent may say she hates you, but if she’s doing exactly what you wanted her to do, you’ve won a small victory. If your child does push back and act out, respond with consistency.
Understand that once you start saying, “This is the way I need things to be,” and holding firm, you’ve made a decision. You’ve done something that brings respect back. It doesn’t mean the behavior will immediately get better—it may take months or years of ups and downs. But the important thing is, you’ve broken that cycle. Once you make a decision and set a limit, you’ve broken the cycle of being at the mercy of your child and his behavior.
I truly believe that no matter how bad things feel, change is always possible. Remember, as we change, we help our kids change—and even small shifts in behavior are important. When we become stronger, we set an example for our kids in their own lives. There’s no magic to any of this, it’s really about you as a parent altering how you respond. Realize that once you take on the role of a more effective parent, you will likely keep things moving forward, and with each new success, you’ll feed on your ability to parent more effectively.
Related Content: Your Defiant Child’s Behavior: What You Can—and Can’t—Control as a Parent
About Janet Lehman, MSW
Janet Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. A veteran social worker, she specializes in child behavior issues — ranging from anger management and oppositional defiance to more serious criminal behavior in teens. She is co-creator of The Total Transformation® Program, The Complete Guide To Consequences™, Getting Through To Your Child™, and Two Parents One Plan™.
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We have had many parents of children with Spectrum Disorders use the tools and techniques of our programs and articles with much success. We do recommend working closely with your child's treatment team when determining which tool to use. We are not experts on Spectrum Disorders and we don't know your child. So, we would not be able to make any specific recommendations.
WE appreciate you reaching out and wish you all the best moving forward.
I have a 16 year old girl who in the past year is dealing with acute anxiety and depression.She is seeing a therapist. She is giving me the run of my life . Im a single mom of two my son is 14. She is hanging around with kids that home school and many that have troubles of their own. I feel they are all supporting eachothers issues. My problem is I believe she is smoking drugs as well. She will not follow any house guidelines that we negotiate together. If I ask her to be home by 10 she starts texting at 10 with every excuse imaginable. She doesnt care and when she does come home she dismisses her lateness that can be sometimes into the late hours as not wanting to discuss the issue.
I do not know what to do. I feel she is heading down a dangerous road and I do not know how to help her. I want to cut her cell phone off because this is the only thing she will respond to the however then I cant get in touch with her either.
Please help.
A good kid
I understand your concern for your daughter, and the risky choices she is
making.It can feel overwhelming when
you can see your child engaging in potentially dangerous actions.As Janet points out in the article above, it
tends to be most effective to work on one behavior at a time.Based on what you have written, it could be
useful to focus first on your daughter’s substance use.You might want to read our article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-child-is-using-drugs-or-drinking-alcohol-what-should-i-do/ for strategies
to address this issue.I recognize what
a challenging situation this must be for you, and I wish you and your family
all the best moving forward.Take care.
parent01
You ask a great question. Generally speaking, when the
school implements a consequence for something that happens at school, it is
usually not advised to give another consequence at home. Instead, talk with
your daughter about the choices she is making and help her come up with a plan
for what she can do differently the next time she’s tempted to skip a class.
Sara Bean gives some great tips for how to have this type of problem solving
conversation in her article The Surprising Reason for Bad Child Behavior: “I Can’t Solve Problems”.
I hope you find this information helpful. Be sure to check back if you have any
further questions. Take care.
Although I've commented on someone else's post, I am needing guidance. My 15 year old daughter started dating a boy and I don't approve. Mainly because she's treating my house like a drop in center or dormatory. She wakes up in the morning makes herself breakfast, leaves all her dirty dishes for me to clean. She goes out for the day on her long board, misses dinner and then stays up talking to her boyfriend all night. She is nice to me when she needs something. I just feel her slipping away. She doesn't seem to care about anything but her social life and the Internet. She takes no responsibility around the house unless there's something in it for her. She can be a sweet girl but I'm worried about her, I don't understand what's happening with her. How do I get her to start taking responsibility for her actions such as cleaning up after herself, and also she's become very loud - up and down the stairs all night closing doors loudly, slamming doors when she doesn't get her way (which she usually gets her way). She acts like she's living on her own minus paying her own bills. Is this normal? How can I give her a taste of reality?
Also, she won't do anything that she's asked to do and she leaves her junk all over the place. She gets a temper when I ask for help which is not very often. How long will this go on?
staystrongmum
It is understandable you are
frustrated by your daughter’s recent behavior. It sounds like she is really
pulling away and not meeting her responsibilities at home. This is a common
situation we hear about often, so you not alone in your frustration. Your
daughter is at the age where she is drawn to her peers more than her family.
This is very normal and a necessary part of development. She ishttp://www.empoweringparents.com/adolescent-behavior-changes-is-your-child-embarrassed-by-you.php from you and trying to establish her own identity. The best
thing that you can do is try not to take it personally and focus on whether or
not she is getting her chores done or keeping you up at night. You can try
setting up a daily expectation for meeting her responsibilities. Make it clear
that her dishes need to be cleaned up in order to earn her long board for the
day or she needs to be
quite at night in order to earn her cell
phone privilege for the next day. Then discuss with her what she needs to do to
remember to meet her responsibilities and earn her privileges. Helping her to
come up with a plan will set her up for success. We hope this is helpful for
your situation. Give it try and let us know how it is going. Take care.
@july
Without a doubt, defiant teens can push a parent to the edge
of their sanity. Developing a self care plan that includes things you can do
when you find yourself feeling frustrated and overwhelmed is going to be
instrumental. As parents we tend to put ourselves on the back burner, to the
detriment of our well being and effectiveness as a parent. A self care plan can
be anything you want it to be, from doing an activity you enjoy to spending
time with a close friend or family member. The focus is on taking care of you.
Some people also find more structured support in the form of a parent group or
counselor to also be helpful. The http://www.211.org/
can give you information on support services in your area. You can reach the http://www.211.org/ 24 hours a day by calling
1-800-273-6222. You may also find the article How to Stop Fighting with Your Child: Do You Feel Like the Enemy?. We
appreciate you writing in. Take care.
I'm dealing with a teen girl also, it's been a slow process and at times I want to give up as well, I mean I've actually thought about packing my bags and just walking away from it all. I only have one, I can't imagine having two teens.They should not be hitting you, if it was my kids I would say in a firm voice "the next time you hit me I'm calling the cops and you can be charged".I would not put up with them hitting me.
I've been doing a lot of reading about teens and I've learned that the best way of dealing with an emotionally charged teen is to wait until they've cooled down then approach them on their behavior. It's a bit of give and take. Let the little things slide and put your foot down on the big ones. You may need to seek outside help.
When you find yourself feeling really down from your kids, just try to turn them off in your head and do something nice for yourself, just breathe and think about happy things. You have a few responsibilities to them: to provide food, shelter, a safe environment, and clothing. Everything else is just extra. You don't have to buy them anything extra, especially if they don't deserve it. If they ask you for anything, like money or whatever else just tell them that you don't have any money - even if you do- and if they want you to do anything for them just say no. Your not responsible for their happiness or for the way they turn out. They have a choice to be who they want so don't let them bring you down. I feel for you. When my daughter gets in her moods, I give her the silent treatment. I let her know how she makes me feel and then the next day I offer her her favorite food or something to soften her up then I call her on her behavior. Then I tell her to turn over the page and forgot about what happened that today's a new day and I'll walk away. She sometimes apologizes. She sure is moody tho. People say that this behavior usually lasts until they are 20. I hope my advice helps. Stay strong fellow mommy
@HELP
It’s understandable you would be frustrated. Trying to
manage a teen with attitude and a toddler at the same time must not only be
overwhelming but exhausting as well. There is a service available that may be
able to give you information on resources in your area. The 211 Helpline is a
nationwide referral service that is available 24 hours a day. They can give you
information on support groups, counselors, therapists, and community outreach
programs. You can find them online at http://www.211.org/.
You can also reach them by calling 1-800-273-6222. It may also be helpful to
develop a self care plan you can implement when you start to feel distressed
about your current situation. Taking time out of your day to do something you
enjoy can be a big benefit and can help you be a more effective parent. Here
are a couple articles you may find helpful: Positive Parenting: 5 Rules to Help You Deal with Negative Child Behavior More Positively & When Parents Disagree: How to Parent as a Team. We appreciate you writing in
and wish you the best of luck moving forward. Be sure to check back and let us
know how things are going. Take care.
DeniseR_ParentalSupport
Thank You So Much! I will look in to the resources that you have mentioned and appreciate your response. I also would like to apologize for the inconvenience.
Concerned Grandma
It’s understandable that you would be concerned and worried
about your granddaughter’s current behavior, and the possible impact it could
have on her future. I also hear how much you care about her, and want to
help her change. Something that we talk about quite frequently with
parents and other concerned adults is that kids often act out inappropriately
because they lack http://www.empoweringparents.com/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior.php. They will then continue acting out because
the inappropriate behavior is working for them in some way. It could be
useful at this point to work with local supports, such as a counselor or
therapist with experience working with survivors of sexual abuse and their
families, to come up with a plan for how you can address your granddaughter’s
behavior while remaining a supportive presence in her life. Even if you
have not had much success in the past, or if your granddaughter refuses to
engage with a new counselor, it could still be useful to go in order to focus
on how you and the rest of your family can effectively respond to this
behavior. If you need assistance locating a counselor in your area, try
contacting the http://www.211.org/ at
1-800-273-6222. I recognize what a challenging situation this is for you
and your family, and I wish you all the best as you continue to move
forward. Take care.
I have a 12 year old. He has A and B grades. He has no behaviors at school but at home. He does not want to do his chores, makes me late when I need to go somewhere (intentionally), has to be reminded of picking up his clothing from the floor, waits for the last minute to do school projects, disrespectful, defiant, and careless. I am trying to see what can I change?
We have done the following:
Got tested for ADD, ADH, etc.
Results were normal
Started seen a psyc every two weeks for the last 2 months. No changes
At home: taken away games privileges, cel phone, restricted TV
What else is there to do?
Avis
I’m glad to hear you took steps to rule out any possible
underlying issues that may have been having an adverse affect on his behavior.
While having a diagnosis isn’t an excuse for lack of motivation or acting out
behavior, the evaluations do add extra information that could help to address
the behavior effectively. Now that you know there isn’t any underlying issues,
you can start to plan ways of attending to the behaviors you are seeing. One
thing you may find helpful is tackling one behavior at a time. Too often, we
try to change everything at once, which can leave both the parent and the child
feeling overwhelmed. Focusing on one behavior at a time is usually a more
affective approach. It can be difficult to know where to start, as Carole Banks
explains in her article “My Child’s Behavior Is So Bad, Where Do I Begin?” How to Coach Your Child Forward. Making a list of the behaviors you would like
to change might help to clarify the changes you would like to make and also
give you an idea of where to start. Once you decide on a behavior, you can then
develop an action plan that includes what your expectations are and what
possible consequences may be incurred if those expectations aren’t met. For
example, if you decide you’re going to focus on chores, you might give your son
a specific time frame for completing those chores and then linking one
of his privileges to completing his chores within that time. If he doesn’t get
his chores completed, then he wouldn’t earn that one privilege that day.
He would have another chance to earn the privilege the following day, however.
Linking privileges to a task in this
manner may help to motivate your son to follow through and complete what’s
expected of him. For more information on ways you can motivate your son, check
out this article by Janet Lehman: How to Get Kids to Do Chores Without an Argument. I hope
you will continue to check back if you have any further questions. Take care.
My teenage daughter was told not to leave the house late one evening and that the consequences would be losing driving privileges for 1 day.
She left anyway and the next day I proceeded to take the car keys away.
I left to run some errands and came home to findMore my work laptop missing.
After pleading and yelling (and searching) for 4 hours to no avail, I gave in and handed her the keys. I realize this was a mistake but at the time, I felt I had no choice as I needed to do work that weekend. At this point, I feel like I have no control at all. At any point in time, she now knows she can take something of great importance to get her way. She has complete control.
I am 73 years old. My husband died in August and I got custody of my 14year old Great Grandson! Help. His Day (my grandson) does not want him back because he is remarried and his new wife has two boys of her own. 1/2 of the time he isMore great but the other half it is really bad. He is in therapy as his dad was very abusive and drank. My great Grandson does not want to go back to his father or his mother who right now is in prison. My son has helped me some and I am really trying. It is not easy. I look at it as a chance for us to help each other. I set some rules this week and took away his cell phone, iPad and xbox until Fri after school. I have set time limits on those items now. He gets good grades but has not been turning i some work. He has the worse memory about all of his things and constantly misplaces or looses clothes and things. He has been doing better the last three days but any comment you may have to help me would be accepted. thanks
jcnaples
Thank
you for writing in, and my condolences on the loss of your husband. It
sounds like both you and your great-grandson have been through quite a bit
recently. Your great-grandson is fortunate to have someone like you in
his life who cares about him so much, and is able to offer him stability,
consistencyMore and safety in a loving home. From what you describe, you have
started to address his behavior by setting some limits, and working with a
therapist. This is a great start! Another piece you might consider
adding is having a problem-solving conversation with him about changes he can
make in his behavior for the future. Sara Bean outlines how to have this
type of conversation in her article http://www.empoweringparents.com/the-surprising-re.... I also encourage you to ensure that you are
taking care of yourself during this time, as self-care is an often overlooked
part of being an effective parent. Your self-care plan can be anything
you wish, from calling a supportive friend or engaging in an activity you enjoy
when you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, to using more formal supports
such as a support group or a therapist for yourself. For more information
about available local supports, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222. I wish you and your
family all the best as you continue to move forward; please be sure to write
back if you have additional questions, or just to let us know how things are
going. Take care.