“My 17 year old son lies all the time,” a mother said to me recently. “He lies about his schoolwork, what he ate for lunch and whether or not he’s brushed his teeth. He also exaggerates to make his stories more dramatic or to make himself sound bigger.
It’s come to the point where I don’t take anything he says at face value. He’s not a bad kid, but I just don’t understand why he lies so often, especially when telling the truth would be easier. What should I do?”
By acknowledging the lie without moralizing or lecturing, you are sending a powerful message to your child that being dishonest won’t get them what they want
Dealing with lying is frustrating and confusing for many parents. Unfortunately, teens and pre-teens often lie or tell only part of the truth. James Lehman explains that kids lie for many reasons: to cover their tracks, to get out of something they don’t want to do, and to fit in with their peers.
Sometimes kids tell white lies to protect other people. I’ve heard my stepson claim a “bad connection” while speaking to a relative on the phone, rather than simply telling them, “I don’t want to talk right now.” When asked, he says he doesn’t want to hurt that person’s feelings by saying he wanted to get off the phone. Simply put, it was just easier to lie.
Some teens develop the habit of telling half-truths or exaggerating about things that seem completely irrelevant or unnecessary. They might think it will get them what they want, or get them out of a sticky situation. Like many adults, kids can also be less than honest at times because they think the truth isn’t interesting enough. They may lie as a way to get attention, to make themselves seem more powerful or attractive to others, to get sympathy or support, or because they lack problem-solving skills.
Lying about Risky or Dangerous Behavior
It’s important to differentiate here between lies that cover up for drug use or other risky behavior, as opposed to “every day lies” that some teens tell just as a matter of habit or convenience. Make no mistake, lying that results in, or covers for, unsafe or illegal behavior must be addressed directly. If your child is lying about things that might be dangerous, involving drug or alcohol use, stealing, or other risky behavior, seek resources and support in your local community.
Why Doesn’t My Child Care that Lying is Wrong?
Adolescence is such a tough time: trying to fit in, feeling unfairly judged or limited, wanting to be seen as powerful even while you feel completely powerless. Teens and pre-teens are navigating some pretty challenging waters. For some, lying can seem like an easy way to deal with the stress of being a teenager. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychology, an occasional fib from a child is nothing to get too concerned about. Chronic dishonesty and exaggeration, on the other hand, should be addressed – but maybe not in the ways you think.
We talk with many people on the who feel that lying is a moral issue. But even so, as James advises, treating it that way is not likely to help solve the problem. When your child tells a lie, giving a lecture about why it’s wrong is probably not going to help them change their behavior. Most of the time, they’re tuning out our words of wisdom anyway! On the other hand, if you feel that your child is making a habit of lying, you need to acknowledge what you see happening. Open a discussion with them and find out what problem they are trying to solve. Are they trying to avoid trouble? Do they think it’s easier to lie than to risk hurting someone else? Do they believe that saying something dishonest helps them fit in? When they answer you, listen to what they have to say carefully.
Related content: How to Deal with Lying in Children and Teens
When Kids Lie to Get out of Trouble
In The Total Transformation Program, James points out that most kids lie because it’s expedient—it seems like the best decision at that time. Once you understand what your child is hoping to gain from lying, you can help them come up with a better problem-solving strategy. If your child is being untruthful to get out of trouble—for example, telling you that they took out the trash when they really didn’t—clearly state the rules of your house, and the consequences for breaking those rules. Remind them that they don’t have to like the rules, but they do need to comply with them. You might also tell your child that if they break a rule and lie about it, there will be a separate consequence for lying. (For more information on how to do this, please see James Lehman’s article Why Kids Lie and What To Do About It.)
Exaggerating and Lying for the Sake of Lying
If your child isn’t simply lying to keep out of trouble, you might have to dig a little deeper to find out what’s going on. Start by saying, “I notice that you often lie about things that seem strange to me. For example, when I asked you where the phone was, you said ‘I don’t know, I don’t have it,’ and then I found it in your room. You wouldn’t have been in trouble if you’d told the truth. Can you tell me why you lied about it?” If your child is exaggerating a story, you might ask, “I was interested in your story, and then it seemed like you started to add things to it that weren’t true. Can you tell me why you decided to do that?”
Now I realize you may not get a great answer from your child. From some teens, a shrug is the best response you can hope for. But by acknowledging the lie without moralizing or lecturing, you are sending a powerful message to your child that being dishonest won’t get them what they want. You are also letting them know that you are aware of the fact that they were being less than truthful.
Kids often don’t understand how hurtful lies can be. Still, you need to remind them that not knowing doesn’t make it okay. Start a discussion with your child about honesty and dishonesty, and why they choose to lie. And remember, focus on the problem your child is trying to solve instead of on the morality of lying. You may not be able to stop your teen from creating those every day lies, but you can send the message that there are other options available.
About Megan Devine, LCPC
Megan Devine is a licensed clinical therapist, former Empowering Parents Parent Coach, speaker and writer. She is also the bonus-parent to a successfully launched young man. You can find more of her work at refugeingrief.com, where she advocates for new ways to live with grief.
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Hi, Jackie. I am so sorry you are facing these struggles with your step son. The extent of coaching and advice we are able to offer through our article comments is a bit limited. I can offer links to articles that may be helpful for your situation. However, I'm not able to give specific recommendations for how to address behaviors you may be seeing. We do have a few articles that offer tips for lying you can find here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/child-behavior-problems/lying/
I think that you would also benefit from reviewing our free personal parenting plan — a set of our specially chosen and best articles and resources covering angry outbursts, consequences, disrespect, oppositional defiance disorder, physical abuse, and adult kids living at home. It is a great way to review our content and resources online. Here is the link: https://www.empoweringparents.com/personal-parenting-plan/
We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. I can understand your distress. Lying is a big button issue for a lot of parents and it can cause them to have great concern for their child's future. As Janet Lehman explains in her article (https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-deal-with-lying-in-children-and-teens/), two reasons kids may lie is to establish identity and for attention - that may be what you're seeing here. Lying can be a tough behavior to address head on, after all, you're not always going to know when your son is lying, especially since it seems most of it is online or with his peers. You can hold him accountable for choices or behaviors he lies about to you. You want to focus on the behavior not the lie. You can read more about how to do that in these articles: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/i-caught-my-child-lying-how-to-manage-sneaky-behavior-in-kids/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-lying/.
We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Take care.
My son is 12 and will be 13 in Sept. For the last three years or so we have had issues with him lying, stealing and showing no remorse for any of it.
We have tried everything we can think of and are lost at this point. We love our son, my husband has given up on helping him, but he is our child and I feel I can't give up. I feel I have to find a solution for the lying, stealing and no remorse.
My husband believes at this point he is a pathological liar and nothing can be done. We have banned him to his room with nothing but a blanket, pillow, ater bottle, Bible and another book, telling him he can only come out of his room to use the bathroom. (Now of course he comes and sits at the dining room table for his meals.)
We have talked to our youth pastor and our son also attends youth group, but that is not working.
He has stolen money from me, sneaking my bank card out of my purse after we are in bed at night and used it to purchase an item for an online video game. He recently used his 9 year old brother's Walmart gift card to buy a gaming remote.
Any resources to help us help our son would be greatly appreciated 🙏
Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. I can understand your concern. It sounds like your son is exhibiting several concerning behaviors. It will be most productive to focus on just one behavior at a time. Trying to address too many things at once can be overwhelming, for both the parent and the child. Because getting started can be challenging for many parents, I often recommend making a prioritized list of all the behaviors you are dealing with, and then focusing on just 1-2 of the most disruptive behaviors at a time. This allows you to be consistent with limit setting and accountability, without becoming overwhelmed. For more helpful tools, please check out this article: How to Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home (https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-create-a-culture-of-accountability-in-your-home/).
We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
My daughter (18) has been lying to me and her step-dad in what seems like almost everything and I do mean everything. We've taken her phone for a set amount of time, we've taken her car and even said no to events or plans that she originally had planned. She is lazy, having trouble making/keeping friends and then as expected gets mad/angry/disrespectful when we take things from her.
She lies about the smallest of things and big things as well. She tries to manipulate me and will say sorry and cry but doesn't change her behavior. She does great in school, she will be going off to college in the Fall 2023. She doesn't want to take responsibility for the simple chores or daily activities that she partially does or just doesn't do at all.
She behaves great and is adored by everyone else outside of the house. She has low self-esteem, despite being beautiful (when she tries). She is showing laziness in the extreme and serious lack of motivation except for school work.
I am scared of loosing my daughter, I don't want to have a bad relationship with her, as a daughter of a diagnosed NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) Mother who had to set hard boundaries and after 45 years choosing to not have a close relationship with my Mother it makes me super sensitive to that possibility.
Everyone keeps telling me that "that is just teenage girls these days" or "That is just how they are, they will grow out of it". But can the destruction and pain be healed that she leaves me and her step-dad with?
He is ready for Tough Love and taking away just about everything except the very basics. She is hiding in her room pouting and feeling sorry for herself.
Any advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
Welcome to Empowering Parents. I can understand your frustration and concern. The transition from minor child to adult can be a challenging one for both parents and older teens. We hear from many parents of adult children experiencing similar issues. We have a few articles (including a free living agreement) that you may find helpful here:
https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/ages-and-stages/adult-children/. Thanks for reaching out. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
It's a small ray of hope to find that I am not the only parent dealing with chronic lying in a teen. My daughter's lying started around 6th grade. And while we've had numerous discussions with her, she still lies. When caught in the lie, she simply shifts - but never backs down from her falsehoods.
Though she lies about things large and small, it's the outrageous lies that have brought us to grief. It seems like she uses these lies when she is stressed and when she wants peers to see her as special. So many of these outrageous lies -- it seems like no one would ever take them seriously (her ethnicity, her wealth, her travels, a Cinderella-type story where her younger sibling is preferred and she is being mistreated and sent to a foreign boarding school).
But as she has aged, her outrageous lies have taken on a more sophisticated tenor, but she has not foreseen their consequences. One of these was reported to her school counselor. After a concerned call from the counselor (my daughter denied the lie when directly questioned by the school counselor and got angry at the person who reported it to the school counselor), I took my daughter to a therapist. I was very honest with the therapist about my teen's stresses and her history of lying. We need help!!! Help with the stresses, help with my teen being authentic, and a safe place for my teen to get help and advice from a trusted adult because my parental advice is shrugged off.
But *presto*, three sessions in, my daughter has painted a picture for the therapist that she's homosexual and living in a fundamentalist Christian family (we attend church about twice a year). It's like some magic words have been spoken, and the therapy immediately shifts its focus to the big-bad parent. I get called into the office for a shared session, without being forewarned of the topic, and counselled about allowing my daughter to be herself as to her sexuality! I don't care what my teen's sexuality is--I just want her to be authentic and deal better with stress.
It's crazy-making! The therapist cannot tell me what my teen is saying in therapy without my teen's permission, but apparently feels free to counsel me (in front of my teen) to just let my teen experiment because that's what teenage years are for. Well, therapist, last year my daughter was telling people she was President Trump's disapproving niece spending the summer on a yacht in the Mediterranean!
Flash forward a grade, and now my teen has proclaimed herself *straight.* She's still telling small lies and exaggerations regularly. And she continues with big lies, too. I feel so let down--we needed help. We still need help. Everyone in the family is suffering in some degree. But I don't know where to find a therapist who is experienced in this. We are beyond discouraged and tired.
I am a working mom & I have 2 sons, elder one 10yrs
& younger 6.5yrs. My parents stay with us to take care of my kids.
My elder son is fairly decent in his studies, in the top 30%
of his class. He rarely lied about anything & even if he did, he could not sustain
it & used to blurt out the truth. Recently I am seeing a change in his
behaviour & today, it broke my heart. My elder son, some 4-5 days ago, came
back from school telling that some prize winner’s list has been put up in
school & the teacher has told he has come 3rd in his class &
he is might get a prize. We were
pleasantly surprised & wondered how it was possible but still believed him
& asked him to check the list properly & come & tell us. He came
home next school day & told us that he has come 1st in class
& the teacher has made everyone clap for him. In fact, he told he has come
3rd in the entire standard in school. He also told all the teachers
congratulated him except his English & History teachers (he told that its
because they don’t like him). He also told the Prize distribution day is in
January & the teacher will inform the date. He said his classmate who came
2nd told him that he will beat him the next time & that his
other friends were angry with him as he came 1st. We genuinely
believed all what he told us. Today, out of curiosity, I went to check on the school
website where they update every child’s progress report. I was shocked to see
that he is not 1st in his class, he is 17th. I thought
maybe he has won for something else, so went to check in his school &
though, there was a list of the toppers of every class, his name was not there.
Nor was there any other list for any other prize winners. I went to his class
& asked him to show where the list is, he told me it has been taken down
& he doesn’t know whether he has won any prize & he will explain after
he comes home. He told me to go away & asked me why I had come there. I
told him I will ask his teacher what prize he has won but he begged me not to.
However, after he went back, I went to check with his class teacher & she
told that the prize winners list is on the notice board & if his name is
not there, he has not won any prize.
I am shocked & feeling completely low right now. We have
never pressurized him to get any rank or prize. Yes we told him we want him to
do well & get prizes but we never did we scold him if he has not got any
prize. I am unable to understand why did he cook up such a big story? We were
not even aware that any prize winners are going to be announced nor did we ask
him anytime about it. I don’t know how to handle this issue now!
SN_79
I hear you.
It’s normal to feel hurt and shocked when you discover that your child has lied
to you for no apparent reason. At the same time, I encourage you to try
your best not to take his behavior personally. The truth is, lying is a
pretty normal behavior which many kids (and adults) will engage in from time to
time to solve some kind of problem, such as avoiding a consequence or to smooth
over a social situation. It’s also not uncommon for kids your son’s age
to tell stories such as this, because they wish the story was true or because
they desire the attention that comes along with such achievements. At
this point, it could be useful to talk with him during a calm time about his choice
to lie, and how he could have handled this situation differently with more
honesty. You can find more tips on how to address this in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-deal-with-lying-in-children-and-teens/. Please be sure to write
back and let us know how things are going for you and your family. Take
care.
EdaPrincess
Lying can be such a
challenging issue for many parents, so you are not alone. As Megan points
out in the above article, it tends to be more effective to view lying as a
faulty problem-solving skill, rather than a character issue or a moral
failing. The truth is, all of us (adults and kids alike) lie from time to
time to resolve some kind of issue we are facing. Helping her to develop
more https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/ can be useful in addressing the ongoing
dishonesty. You might also find some useful tips in our article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/its-never-too-late-7-ways-to-start-parenting-more-effectively/. Please be
sure to write back and let us know how things are going with you and your
daughter. Take care.
I'm a 15 year old going into sophomore year this September and last night I took my moms charger because I need to borrow it but forgot to put it back when she confronted me I lied saying a didn't take it. I don't understand why i didn't just say that I had borrowed it? Later she told me
She knew I had lied and I got defensive and almost lied again. She wants to know why i lied but i don't honestly know. Any advice or comments?
@Ellie
We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and
sharing your story. I hear how confused you are by your decision to lie to your
mom, and how much you want to understand the choice you made. Because we
are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are
limited in the advice and suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct
parenting role. Another resource which might be more useful to you is the
Boys Town National Hotline, which you can reach by calling 1-800-448-3000,
24/7. They have trained counselors who talk with kids, teens and young adults
everyday about issues they are facing, and they can help you to look at your
options and come up with a plan. They also have options to communicate
via text, email, and live chat which you can find on their website, http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/ We wish you
the best going forward. Take care.
@Sophie
We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and
sharing your story. I hear your concern about your sister’s constant lying, and
how much you want this to stop. Because we are a website aimed at helping
people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and
suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role.
Another resource which might be more useful to you is the Boys Town National
Hotline, which you can reach by calling 1-800-448-3000, 24/7. They have trained
counselors who talk with kids, teens and young adults everyday about issues
they are facing, and they can help you to look at your options and come up with
a plan. They also have options to communicate via text, email, and live
chat which you can find on their website, http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/ We wish you
the best going forward. Take care.
I recently discovered that my 15 year old son is telling lies to his friends. He's said we went on holiday to Greece and we went to Devon. Said he's been to lots of rock concerts and he's been to one and also said he's got 10 guitars and loads of equipment when he hasn't.
He doesn't know that I've found this out.
How do tackle this, please help.
@Claire
It is understandable you are
looking for ways to address your son’s lying and exaggerating. It can be very
confusing and frustrating for a parent when they discover their child has been
lying. While lying is not okay, it is a pretty common way kids try to fit in
with their peers and try to be accepted. We would recommend being upfront and
honest with your son about what you found out. Then let him know that lying is
not an effective way to solve his problem. With it comes the potential
consequence of his friends finding out the truth and not trusting him anymore.
Focus on the ineffective problem solving aspect of this rather than making it a
moral issue. Have a conversation about what he can do instead when he is
tempted to exaggerate the truth or try to impress his friends. Another
great article to check out on this topic is https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-deal-with-lying-in-children-and-teens/. I hope this helps to give you
some direction in dealing with this. Thank you for writing in. Take care.
Sherry family
Thank you for writing in. It must have been quite
disconcerting to hear your daughter speak of having a troubled relationship
with her father when that has not been your experience in raising her. As
Megan points out in the article above, kids and teens will often use lying as a
way to solve some sort of social problem, such as fitting in with others, or
portraying a certain image of themselves. The most effective way to
address this with her will be to talk directly and calmly about what she
said. For example, you might say something like, “I was surprised when I
heard you talk at church about your relationship with Dad. Can you tell
me a bit more about what was going on for you when you decided to say
that?” I recognize how difficult this must be for you, and I hope you
will write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family.
Take care.
Colleen2680
It can be so frustrating when a child seems to lie
constantly over small issues. You are not alone in feeling this
way. As Megan points out in the article above, it can be helpful to talk
with your daughter during a calm time after you have caught her in a lie.
You might say something like, “I’m curious about what was going on for you when
you lied to me about washing your hair. Could you tell me about
that?” In addition, you might also consider coming up with a standard,
small consequence you can implement each time you know for certain that she has
lied to get out of trouble. As for your question about counseling,
sometimes it can be helpful to work with someone locally when you are trying to
address a long-standing issue such as lying. For assistance locating
someone in your community, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222. Please let us know if you have any additional
questions. Take care.
Mollyesmirh
At
Empowering Parents, we receive many questions from concerned parents about
lying. The reality is, lying is often a faulty problem solving tool designed to
cover up for another rule or rules that have been broken. Despite how it may
feel, lying is not a personal attack on you, or a moral or character issue in
your child. I would encourage you to take a look at the behaviors your daughter
is lying about, rather than putting
all the focus on the lying, itself. Rather than focusing on the fact that she
lied about being late or lied about the websites she was on, focus on the fact
that she broke the rule about what time she was supposed to be home, or broke
the rule and went on restricted websites to begin with, and hold her
accountable for those. Lying about those behaviors is merely her way of
covering up the fact that she broke those rules, to begin with. James Lehman,
creator of the https://www.empoweringparents.com/product/total-transformation-program/ program, talks more about this in his article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-kids-tell-lies-and-what-to-do-about-it/. Good luck to you and your family as
you continue to work on this with your daughter.
My daughter is a beautiful 15 year old. I found out she had a boyfriend. I was upset but felt that I had to be OK with it.
We then talked formally about it (with my daughter and wife) to help be open with everything so she wouldn't feel the need to lie or do anything behind our back.
School ended for summer and my daughter has a female friend who often comes over.
Within a week of school being out, her friend spends the night. The following morning they ask if they can go to the mall (after all we're all being honest about everything right). I said yes as long as my mom (who lives with me) can pick her up from the mall in 2 hours because I work graveyard and I had just got home from work.
On my way to taking the girls I asked her sarcastically "your not meeting any boys over there are you?" They both said no.
About 2 weeks later my wife finds her on the phone late at night when she shouldn't be, my wife takes away the phone and grounds her from it.
My wife begins to go throw all messages and it turns out that my daughter and her friend have both lied to me to my face. They both met up with their boyfriends.
My wife and I took all privileges away from our daughter and she cried and said sorry (which I'm sure the apology was a lie too).
Now just tonight my wife calls me while I'm at work stating that my daughter had dug up 1 of our old cell phones... connected it to the WiFi at the house and has been communicating with her boyfriend and female friend for the past 3 days.
During this time she managed to sneak out of the leave the house to walk our dog, not knowing that she still has means of communicating with her boyfriend, and meets with him for about 15 minutes while I'm sleeping.
I'm afraid of what might become of this and could really use some advise.
Chinocffc
I can understand your
frustration and concern. It certainly is not okay that your daughter is lying
to you, but it does not surprise me that she is. It sounds like she is in a
situation where sneaking and lying is worth it to be able to communicate with
her friends and boyfriend because in her mind she does not have an
alternative way to solve her problem. When kids are grounded, or everything is
taken away for an indefinite period of time or a long period of time, it is not
uncommon for kids to sneak and lie as a way to solve their problem. At your
daughter’s age, her social interactions with friend’s and her boyfriend are
going to be her priority. Instead of taking everything away as a way to get her
to change her behavior, we recommend keeping consequences short term and
coaching her on ways she can solve her problem differently. You may want to
consider allowing supervised time with her boyfriend, that way you can monitor
the situation, and she will be less likely to lie to you about where she is or
who she is with. Another article I would encourage you to check out on this
topic is https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-deal-with-lying-in-children-and-teens/. I know this is difficult to be
dealing with. Thank you for reaching out. Take care.
My boyfriend has huge anger issues, he's been divorced for almost 15 years and has 3 kids. He teenage daughter is a real problem, but I think he's caused a lot of it. Anyway, I've left my boyfriend because of his anger issues and just today I found out the reason he was raging mad this last time. Turns out his 16 year old daughter was jealous and angry at me for catching her in a lie. So she turned around and lied to her mother, accusing me of saying bad things about her mother, her mother then called my then boyfriend and ripped him a new hole, he then stewed and steamed and became enraged at me so I left the relationship, before I found out the cause of his anger. So now this kid , had his anger not been an issue, has destroyed her father's relationship and of course he let it.
But now I'm really upset. I've been made out to be some villain. How do I let this go and not get it resolved? I have no intention of returning to that relationship plus he would never support me against his 'princess' and yet my brain wants justice. Irrational I know but there you have it.
@Esme
We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and
sharing your story. I can hear how upset you are with the way you were
portrayed by your ex-boyfriend’s daughter to her mother, along with his anger
issues and the way this was communicated to you. Because we are a website aimed
at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice
and suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role. It may
be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for
addressing your particular issues. The 211 National Helpline is a referral
service available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on
the types of support services available in your area such as counselors,
therapists, support groups as well as various other resources. You can reach
the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging onto 211.org. We wish you
the best going forward. Take care.
Leanteen
Thank you for writing in with your question. Because
our site is designed for parents who are experiencing behavior issues with a
child, we are limited with the advice we can offer to you for your
situation. Another resource which could be more helpful is the Boys Town
National Hotline. Their staff are better able to answer questions which
arise for teens in their families, and could talk with you about your options
for how you can be more honest in the future, as well as how to handle conflict
with your parents. You can call 24/7 at 1-800-448-3000, or visit their
website at http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/.
They also offer chat, text and email options for support through their
website. Take care.
glamazon
I hear you. It can feel very defeating when your child makes
choices that are so completely the opposite of how he’s been raised. I think it
can be helpful to know that behaviors such as lying and stealing aren’t really
reflections of poor morals or poor upbringing. They’re linked to a child’s poor
problem solving and/or coping skills. When a child is faced with the probability
of getting in trouble and being given consequences, he will often lie in an
attempt to avoid that. While lying is never OK, it’s also not uncommon. The
most effective way of addressing this situation is by holding him accountable
and also helping him develop better problem solving skills. We do have a couple
articles that you may find helpful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/i-caught-my-child-lying-how-to-manage-sneaky-behavior-in-kids/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/. Best of
luck to you and your family as you work through this tough issue. Take care.
@ncc
I understand your concern. It can be worrisome when your
child makes choices you know could result in serious consequences. The
unfortunate thing is you can’t make someone else see things the same way you do
nor understand things from your perspective. The best you can do in this
situation is hold your daughter accountable for her choices while also working
to help her develop the skills to handle these situations more appropriately in
the future. We have a couple articles that may offer you some useful tips for
dealing with this situation: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/i-caught-my-child-lying-how-to-manage-sneaky-behavior-in-kids/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-after-divorce-9-ways-to-parent-on-your-own-terms/. We appreciate you
writing in. Take care.
There are millions of parents (single & married) experiencing the same, similar, or worst scenarios. I commend you for trying everything you have been equipped with and learned in handling your situation.
I do believe in couseling, setting standards, and the "time will tell" stages, however, this generation is not like when we grew up. They are exposed to so much so soon and so fast. Threats, punishment, discipline, kicking out the house, etc. may not work for ever household.
What I will tell you is to not be an enabler and stand your ground. Everyone tells you to be patient and don't lose your temper but they are not going through it.
Kids tend to continue their behavior when they have a safety net. That safety net can be a small bedroom in a barn but if it means "I don't have to go home", "I'll prove my point", and "this will show them", it's good enough for them.
Sometimes as parents we need to understand that it's hard to let go but in some cases it's a must. It's like the prodigal son in the book of Luke. When you remove the safety net (set standards and dont sway) they have two choices.....listen/obey or test society. Either way, their true inner being will come out.
Don't give up but set an example. Do you think society is going to allow their reckless ways without consequences? Do all you can as a parent then step back and trust GOD. A boxer needs an opponent to fight with. Without an opponent, there is no fight. Fight by showing love, standards, and morals. Everything else, step back and just pray.
Sometimes we fight so long and they still go their reckless route, then we are left bruised, barely making ends meet, emotional distraught or numb, mentally drained, etc.
Fight and set your standards...what you will and will not tolerate...don't deviate. They run away, call the police and make a report. It's a must if they are under 18. Other than that, just prepare yourself for when they come back for you to put the pieces together. TRUST ME ! Some dont...but again, that was ineveible.
WHEN YOU HAVE DONE ALL YOU CAN DO, STEP BACK AND TRUST GOD.
J9 Words are Seeds
Thanks for posting this. I want to give up on my daughter that is 16 that has been having sex, drinking and lying. She has always lied about things that do not make since. Her father and I have taken her car, phone, money and all social media from her. I want so bad to give her those things back (because I know those things make her happy) put I know I have to stick to my guns. I have been in prayer for her non stop this week. Her Father and I just found out of the things that she has been doing. So much more I can say about the situation. So thankful that you are telling people to trust in God. My daughter has always been raised in Church and to know who God is and I am praying with everything I have in me that this behavior that she has stops. All I can do is Trust In God and fight by showing her love, standards and morals. Trusting in God! Thanks
"Inevitable"
Sorry for any typos. ..
This article hit home. ......
P.S.
Those of us with other kids.....how you handle the "difficult one"....sets an example and shows a standard. Keep fighting, don't doubt yourself or your parenting skills. If you need help or extra coping tools, reach out to friends, other parents, and professionals. When can learn alot from other stories. Keep fighting the good fight. Always pray !
@Ataloss
It can be very upsetting when your teen lies to you about
where they’ve been or what they’ve been doing. Many parents feel betrayed and
wonder if they will ever be able to trust their child again. It may help to
know that it’s not unusual for teens to lie, especially if they believe you
wouldn’t give them permission to do something they really want to do. Lying is
a poor problem solving skill, even though it may feel like a personal betrayal.
Having your daughter leave your home may have been a knee jerk reaction to a
stressful situation. Something to keep in mind is that in most jurisdictions, it’s
not legal for a parent to make a minor child leave the home. You might reach
out to your local police department to find out what the laws are in your area.
In the meantime, we have several articles that give great tips for how to address lying and other
teen behaviors. One in particular you may find helpful is https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/risky-teen-behavior-can-you-trust-your-child-again/ Good luck to you and your
daughter moving forward. Take care.