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Do you ever wonder what happened to your sweet, affectionate, “glad to be part of this family” younger child? Did your child enter adolescence with a sudden cloud of distance, brooding, and sullen behavior? Is she desperate to be as far away from your family as possible?

It’s one of the more heartbreaking aspects of parenting. Raising a child means living through the loss of personal involvement and influence that we enjoyed in their younger years.

Emotional Distance Can Be Healthy for Your Child

The teen years are marked by explorations of autonomy, independence, and identity outside the family system: Kids might want to spend more time in their rooms. They’re going to think their friends understand them a lot more than their parents do. They’re going to push their parents away. To parents, it can feel pretty horrible.

This change is not personal or unique to your child. Indeed, this is how your adolescent is learning to be an adult. Psychologists call it individuation and, although painful for parents, it is normal and healthy for your child.

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As uncomfortable as it might be as a parent, your child’s distance from you is actually right on track: the teen years mark their transition into the adult world. Hopefully, they’ll take the skills you’ve helped them to learn into their lives as young adults.

Contact your pediatrician if you believe your child’s behavior changes are not normal. Depression, bullying, substance abuse, and other factors can also lead to sudden behavior changes.

Emotional Distance is Not an Excuse for Abuse

Remember that just because your child is stepping away from the relationship he had with you when he was younger doesn’t mean he’s allowed to be disrespectful. And he is not allowed to break the rules of the household. Healthy emotional distance means allowing and even encouraging independence while at the same time holding your child accountable for the rules and expectations of your home.

When living with the developmental needs of a teenager gets to you, remind yourself that your child’s needs for time with her friends, and time alone, are developmentally appropriate. Stay firm and clear in your expectations. And do your best to support her development as an individual.

Take Care of Yourself

Be sure to take care of yourself. For parents, the grief of losing a younger child to adulthood is real. Allow yourself to be sad, to grieve. And don’t be too hard on yourself if you are having trouble letting go. The transition to adulthood is a learning process for kids and parents alike.

For more help on this subject, check out James Lehman’s article on Sudden Changes In Children. He does a great job explaining individuation and gives some helpful tools while also discussing sudden behavior changes that might point to another serious issue.

This is not an easy part of parenting, for sure. But giving our kids space to find out who they are, within a safe and respectful environment, helps them become healthy, well-adjusted adults.

Wishing you the best.

Warmly,

Denise, Empowering Parents Coach

Related content:
Parenting Teens: Parental Authority vs. Peer Pressure

Empowering Parents Podcast:
Apple, Spotify

Notes and References

About

Denise Rowden is a parent of two adult children and has been a parenting coach since 2010. She has worked in Special Education, Alternative Education and adolescent group homes. She has a BS in Psychology from the University of Southern Maine and is currently working on her Life Coach certification from the International Coach Federation.

Comments (25)
  • Melanie
    My 16 almost 17 years Old daughter has been pulling away from me. I feel terrible, she shows no love, respect or consideration for me. She since to always be mad when she is around me. However, there is someone that has been influencing her for yearsMore now. My sister in law who is in her late 30s acts like a teenager with her, she keeps her secrets and celebrates her bad behavior, she's sends her text msgs, memes, about certain topics that is not appropriate for a teen. She acts like her best friend on purpose, one time I asked to not to touch my daughter eyebrows because she was only 14, and her answer was "laughing will be the best medicine " I don't know what to do. Everyone in my family knows what my sister in law has been doing and what she is capable of but everyone says that is better to avoid confrontation to avoid family distance.
  • Mel B

    How can you step away when your child is abusing weed?

    My 15 years old son gone very quiet, telling lies that he is not smoking, shows no interest in college not having any appetite.

    How do I step away from that?

    • Anonymous
      As someone who went through this with my parents I can tell you that the best possible thing to do is to step away. Your son isn’t going to learn or stop doing drugs because you are forcing him. He has to hit bottom or decide for himself. I’ve beenMore in hundreds of rehab meetings and this is always true for all the kids that I have met. It will be really hard but you have to let him learn for himself.
    • Denise Rowden, Parent CoachEP Coach

      Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. I can understand your distress. To clarify, the article is specifically talking about not personalizing your child's emotional distance as this is a normal part of teen development. We're not recommending stepping away if your child is breaking the law or exhibiting sicky behaviors. We have several articles that focus specifically on substmace abuse and risky behaviors you may find helpful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/child-behavior-problems/substance-abuse-risky-behavior/

      We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community and wish you all the best moving forward. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going.

  • Mari
    Hi. My 14 year old daughter is stepping away from our relationship however the part i am find difficult is the disrespect & abuse and the pushing of the boundaries and rules in our home
  • Sandy

    Hi I found your website because my daughter has disconnected with her father and I. Well, all our family really. She was great thru her teen years. Not rebellious, no real issues. She had some difficulty socially at school, but nothing I would call out of the norm. At 18 , after graduation, she moved into an apt locally. At that time I felt this brick wall being built. I engaged with her as much as she would allow figuring that she would

    find her wings and return home (Emotionally) eventually. Fast forward to today and she is 34 and more aloof than ever. It really does feel like a death. I miss her so. I haven’t seen her for 1 1/2 yrs. She says she won’t come home until we “ work out a better relationship” but I don’t know how to do that if she won’t engage. She lives in Seattle and I’m in Ohio. We text occasionally and can converse about the weather and such, but that’s as far as it goes. I’ve sent long emails hoping for a breakthrough but I get back vague responses, or ‘ I’ll address this when I’m not so busy at work” . We talk occasionally, and I keep things light and positive, walking on egg shells the whole time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I Have lost mother, father and older brother and a grand baby in the last 2 years and I feel my daughter slipping farther away.

    • Anonymous
      I am SO sorry that your daughter treats you this way. I am not sure about your family dynamics but I had a really rocky relationship with my parents (especially my mom) when I was in my 20s. It wasn’t until I was in my mid 30s that I realizedMore what family means and how important they are. I am now closer to my family than I think anyone else. My turn to take care of them. Hopefully your daughter will learn this as well.
  • Single mother of 5
    Once again. Same child and same problem. And thank you. Best advice. It really hurts and it hard.
  • A Disconnect from Empathy
    […] care about you and you care about them, you don’t want to fill up the conversation with anything negative. You want to tell them good things about yourself and your life so that they don’t spend their […]
  • Aztekgoddezz
    My 13 yr old daughter has been going through her pre-teen/teen changes and as a single mother it's overwhelming. She had an issue with bullying at school two years ago and I contacted the school and got her help for her mental issues. But lately, she makes me feel likeMore I'm her enemy and we are at war. She has lost interest in everything besides being on the phone with her bff's and rarely comes out of her room. If I ask her to do anything (i.e clean her room, wash dishes, etc.) it's like if I'm asking her for a lung or a liver and she complains and complains! I feel like the whole bullying issue is a factor in this and don't know how to deal with this in a supportive and understanding way. My oldest son is 19 and didn't have any issues when he was going through his teen years that come close to hers. Help!
    • Anonymous
      Believe me. Most teen girls are like this. I have a son and daughter as well and my son is 18 and didn’t really go through the same as his sister who is 13. What you’ve written is exactly how my daughter is now and how I was to myMore mom unfortunately. Eventually your daughter will be back to mammas girl in her 30s
    • Darlene EP

      @Aztekgoddezz 

      I am so sorry it has been so

      challenging with your daughter lately. You are not alone in your experience. We

      hear from parents everyday who are seeing the same types of behaviors. It is

      normal for a child your daughter’s age to start to pull away and spend more of

      their time with their peers because that is who they relate to most right now.

      Spending time in her room on her phone is how kids are connected to their

      friends nowadays. It is also normal for her to protest doing something she does

      not want to do, like the dishes or cleaning her room. James Lehman talks more

      about the changes your child is going through at this age in his article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/sudden-behavior-changes-in-kids-part-i-what-do-they-mean/ If you feel that your

      daughter’s behavior is due to something more, like the bullying she has

      experienced, I would encourage you to seek local supports to help her work

      through it. You can contact the 211

      Helpline, a national health and human services referral service, if you need

      help finding services in your area.  You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a

      day by calling 1-800-273-6222. You can also find them online at 211.org. I hope

      this helps to answer your questions. Thank you for writing in. Take care.

  • helpusplease
    my almost 15 year old son is acting out at school. He was just suspended for using a Vape in class. I'm hearing rumors that he is hanging out with kids that use drugs and he's telling lies to his friends. He is getting a bad reputation at school. HisMore sister is one year older and hears all the gossip and told us because she is concerned. We have drug tested him but has always come back negative. We have tried everything with him. Taken the phone away, grounded him. Not allowed him to go to a school dance. etc... He says he doesn't want to live with us anymore and wants to live with his aunt. My husband gets angry and tells him to leave then. But then I tell my husband that is not the answer. We are VERY frustrated. Any suggestions?
    • Darlene EP

      helpusplease 

      It is understandable you and

      your husband are frustrated by your son’s behavior. You want the best for him

      and his recent choices are getting in the way of him being successful at

      school. As Carol Banks discusses in her article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/problems-at-school-how-to-handle-the-top-4-issues/, it is best to focus on helping

      your son to solve his problems more effectively by coaching him on replacement

      behaviors and leaving the discipline up to the school officials. Acting out

      behaviors that take place at school should be disciplined at school. Having

      consequences at home as well is not going to help your son to develop the

      skills to behave differently. Because of the rumors that are going around it is

      good to stay aware and involved, but given the fact that he has had clean drug

      tests it sounds like it is just rumors at this point and not a behavior that

      warrants consequences at this time. I know is it is difficult to hear your son

      say he does not want to live with you anymore, but it is probably in response

      to him being in trouble or not getting his way and it is not an uncommon for

      kids to say things like that. The best way to handle that is to walk away and

      let the situation calm down. Thank you for writing in. Take care.

  • kattsbr12
    my daughter married gabe who has 2 children gabe jr 13 and chloe 11,  gabie/chole  live with mom.  she remarried has 2 small kids  5 and 3.  She has g/c do most of housework and watch smaller kids. not allowed to do anything cause she doesnt want to be bothered.More  My daughter has taken over afterschool sports/activities.  her and hubby both work, kids come every other week for weekend visits. i love the both and treat them as my own. but lately gabe jr has been having issues at school, cut class, inapproiate web sites, fighting, and now paying other kids $50- $100 to be his friend.  His mom says it her husbands tax refund that was left on dresser.  my daughter is not sure what to do. please can i have some advise.
    • Darlene EP

      kattsbr12 

      It sounds like your daughter and

      her husband have been dealing with a lot. It would be most effective if they

      were able to get on the same page in addressing their concerns about their son

      and then having dad take the lead in managing their expectations and any

      necessary consequences. An article that may be helpful for them to handle it in

      this way is https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-blended-family-wont-blend-help-part-i-how-you-and-your-spouse-can-get-on-the-same-page/ For the behavior issues you describe, it can be tough to

      know where to begin or how to address them effectively. An article that gives

      great guidance in these areas are https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-childs-behavior-is-so-bad-where-do-i-begin-how-to-coach-your-child-forward/.

      I hope you find this helpful for your situation. Thank you for writing in. Take

      care.

  • JustineIsBitchn

    I'm so glad this post exists! I've never heard anyone touch on how difficult it can be to accept the "new" version of your child during the preteen-teen years. I've been more open to the change with my almost twelve year old daughter, but some times I do miss her younger self. [sigh] 

    Growing up is guaranteed with kids, but that doesn't make it easier on us parental units.

  • Michelle
    Boy, I needed that today!  I have primary care of my 13-year-old grand-daughter.  Admittedly, the family situation hasn't been a positive one and she has come into the realization of that.  Adding the teenage changes is making those realizations even more obvious.  Today, she texted that she doesn't like anyoneMore in the family and doesn't really want to spend time with anyone in the family.  There are legitimate reasons for this in many aspects, but, at the same time, it is heart breaking to realize that family has made her unhappy and it is a grieving process to lose that connection with the little girl I used to spend hours with.  Glad I was able to vent and realize that I am not alone in these feelings.
  • spc0720
    Our daughter, who just turned 12, still likes to be around us and occasionally goes upstairs to her room. I can tell her friends are becoming more important to her then we are. It is hard to see the small changes happening but I know this is perfectly normal. SometimesMore it's hard to have a conversation cause she's just not in the mood.It does hurt my feelings but I know it's part of growing up.  Other times, she loves sharing and talking about all sorts of things and I love those times. I treasure them cause I know when she gets a little older, these times will be fewer. Sigh....oh the perils of growing up. lol. Wish they could stay young forever. Ages six thru ten where the BEST!!
  • HeidiPhinneyDorman
    My son just started spending more and more of his time at home in his room. This is somewhat frustrating to me because every time I want to ask him a question or just talk, he won't come out. I figured out last night if I go into his roomMore and sit on the floor, he eventually will turn off the computer or put it aside long enough to hear what I have to say. I restarted the "family time" again: no in his room on the computer after 8 p.m. He usually wants to play on the Wii with me or Sorry!.
    • Sonia
      HeidiPhinneyDorman Hi Heidi, I can relate with your situation. My son (and daughter) also like to spend too much time playing games on the cell phone. When I finally get them to turn off their phones after a lot of complaints, they want to talk and talk and talk toMore me, and sometimes have a difficult time taking turns talking or listening to another person is saying. I mean when they don't spend so much time playing on the phone, they can communicate better and they're not so clingy with wanting talking so much with me. So I'm trying to monitor their phone usage. It's difficult, but I've started "phone-break" call-outs of about two-hours so they can do something else with their brains that they may want to do.
  • Julia E
    Our 19-year-old daughter took 2 classes at a local community college and did not do well.  She told us she was not yet ready to waste any more of our money by going to college, and she found a waitressing job.   At about this same time, she announced sheMore was moving out of our house and into an apartment near the campus of a local college.  She said she needed to get out from under our constant scrutiny so that she could find out who she was and what she wanted to do with her life.  She promised us she would pay for her own rent ($540 a month) and her cell phone ($55 a month) and her car note ($250).  She did, however, need someone to sign the apartment lease as guarantor.  Since the lease term was for only 4 months, I signed.  Unfortunately for me, she was fired from her waitressing job, and she is having difficulty finding another job.  She was very late in paying her 2nd month's rent, and the apartment manager attached late fees to her bill.  She was unable to pay her 3rd month's rent.  As guarantor, I do not want to be responsible for the additional fees!  Should I pay her rent for the remainder of her lease term?  I do not know what to do.  A little background:  We adopted her from a foreign country when she was 1 year old. Things went great during her early childhood, but she seemed to become depressed when she was 12 (when she started her menstrual period).  Her school grades have never been good, and we are aware that her IQ is "average."  She has shown signs of compulsive lying and dishonest behavior in general.  She seems depressed; she has no interest in anything.  A social worker pointed out that a huge part of the problem is the relationship that exists between her and her adoptive father (my husband).  This social worker tried to convince my husband that he needed to be aware of the significance of treating her more kindly.  He thinks it's psycho-babble and says that our daughter needs a good kick in the rear.  Sometimes I agree that her behavior is "bad."  Other times I think he is the cause of it.  I am out of my mind with worry and depression, and we don't have enough money to keep going to see therapists and social workers.
    • SusanLMFT
      When you co-sign on anything for anyone, you should go into it prepared to be responsible for the bill because if that person doesn't pay its on you. If you know that you can't afford to pay someone else's rent or car payment you should never co-sign. The only wayMore I would ever co-sign is if I knew the person had demonstrated long term responsibility and ability to hold a job and history of making payments. You had a daughter you already knew had behavior problems and never demonstrated an ability to live on her own or pay her own bills, and how long did she have her job when she moved on her own? Never allow someone to manipulate or guilt trip you into co-signing on anything, especially if you know you would not be able to afford to pay the bill should that person lose their job. Unfortunately you have two choices, pay the bills or ruin your credit. Unless you can find someone else to move into her apartment and pay the rent for her. Ask your daughter to look for a roommate and tell her she needs to find another job immediately even if it's Taco Bell.
    • Sonia
      Julia E Hi Julia, though I am no expert I thought of this: Ask her what does she want? You offer her what you can give her, what you can guarantee you can give her. For example, she may want her own apartment, but you cannot pay or do notMore want to pay for her apartment. Your funds may be limited, and whatever extra funds you have, you may want to use for some other needs you may have. She may want encouragement. You would be willing to give her encouragement. Sometimes it may be difficult to give her encouragement because you may see difficulties, well mention the difficulties you think she ought to be aware of without necessarily discouraging her from following upon the path she wants to follow. Help her mentally prepare for those difficulties she may face.  For example, for the apartment, she should have about three months rent saved up before getting an apartment. Or sometimes you may want to encourage her, but someone else in your world is saying something in the opposite and interfere with your intention to encourage her. So ask her to let you know if she feels you're not encouraging her or how it could be better. If your husband is not willing to encourage her, then that's too bad, it's difficult to have one member of the family one way, and another member of the family a different way. Let her know you love her and that you want to help her in how you can help her. Trying to communicate little by little is okay, no big results or changes to be expected, as long as you keep aiming to communicate may end up bringing about nice changes. Once I started looking up videos on Youtube about a difficulty I was having. I went from one video to the next, my search topic changed a little bit and other related videos would come up. I remember my initial topic was "How to discipline a toddler." I searched this up because I had gone to a parent meeting where they were talking about discipline, and setting limits and structure at home. So I was wondering more about how to deal with a toddler who's attention is being called but is not showing a change in behavior. I got to watch a couple of videos that helped me realize how negative means such as violence, aggression, intimidation, or simple expectation were not effective in getting others to act as desired or expected. Sometimes it is necessary to ask questions such as What do you need to do what you need to do?, lower or change expectations without necessarily hurting the child...Maybe instead of taking two classes at the college she could take one. If one class is too difficult, maybe she could seek tutoring or choose a lower level to get started. Maybe instead of aiming for a four year program, she could aim for a two year, one year, or six month program. I think in society young people are sometimes expected to be overly high achievers. However, in reality, we need all kinds of people for a functional society. Also, sometimes people start in one area, go on to another area, then another, then there's a turn, they might have downs, ups, or explosions such as Mark Zuckerberg. But in my opinion, young people should be allowed to develop in areas of their interest. If they hit the jackpot, great. If they can barely support themselves, well at least they're supporting themselves. The only times I don't support people doing what they want is when they want to commit crimes, hurt others, or become homeless. If they can be part of society somehow, that's great for them and for society. If they could do better by doing things a little different, then I would let them get started in what they want, then point out one or two things which might make it easier or better for them...Well I hope better times for you, your daughter, and your whole family!
    • Darlene EP

      Julia E 

      I can understand your concern

      about your daughter’s financial predicament because as a guarantor, you are

      potentially responsible for her financial decisions as well. While I cannot

      tell you whether you should or should not pay her rent for the remainder of the

      lease, that is only a decision you can make. I would suggest

      looking into what you are going to be legally responsible for when she does not

      pay her rent and how her not paying could potentially effect you. If you need

      help with legal questions, you can contact the 211 Helpline in your area by

      dialing 211 or visiting their website at http://www.211.org/.

      Regardless of who or what might have caused your daughter’s behavior, she is an

      adult now, and as an adult is responsible for her choices and behavior. I can

      hear the situation is causing you worry and that is understandable. I would

      encourage you to focus on self care and doing things that relieves stress. That

      could be doing things that you enjoy, like taking walks or visiting with

      friends, or something more formal like a parent support group or counseling. I

      know this is not easy to be going through. Please check back in and let us know

      how things are going. Take care.

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

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