If your child is acting out physically by abusing you or other family members, destroying property, or threatening others, then you may want to consider talking proactively with the police. This step to work collaboratively with the police before you actually need them can save you a great deal of grief down the road.
We understand that involving the police is a very personal decision. And only you know if you are ready to take this step. But, if your child’s behavior has escalated to the point that you may need to involve the police, we recommend that you take the following steps.
1. Make an Appointment to Speak With an Officer
Call and make an appointment to speak with the chief or head of the police department. You will also want to meet with any local officers who patrol your area. You can just go down to the station, but it’s better to make an appointment and go while things are calm.
2. Explain Your Position to the Officer
Let the police know that you need their help. Your goal is that together, you can come up with a plan as to how things will be handled if they are called to your home.
When developing the plan, please understand that the police are for handling legal and safety issues. In fact, let them know you will only call them when your legal rights, or those of someone in your home, have been violated.
3. Make a List of Your Child’s Violations
Make a list of the legal rights your child has been violating. This list may include property destruction, assault, possession of drugs in your home, breaking local curfews, or running away.
4. Let the Police Know That You Want to Hold Your Child Accountable
Tell the police that you are not looking for them to parent your child. That’s not your goal. Instead, you’re looking for them to hold your child accountable for violating the law.
It is often helpful to reiterate your belief with the police that you both share the same goal: to produce an upstanding, law-abiding citizen. But you would like their help in the following ways:
- You want the police to know you’re hoping your child will learn that there are consequences for his actions.
- And you want your child to learn that now, before he reaches adulthood and the consequences become more severe.
- And, finally, you want your child to understand that he does not have the right to violate your rights just because he’s family or a minor.
5. Assure the Police That You Are Open to Their Ideas
Tell the police you’re open to any ideas they have and that you understand they cannot necessarily arrest your child. Some of your child’s behavior may not be severe enough to be taken directly to the juvenile detention center. Nevertheless, tell the police that you still want him held accountable. Ask them to take the following two actions:
- First, when there is an incident with your child and you call in the future, you would like the police to file a written complaint.
- Second, you would also like them to inform your child this will be on record and will follow him into adulthood.
These actions may make an impact on your child and the choices he makes. Also, by having these complaints on record, you are leaving a paper trail. This paper trail is important if your child does end up in the court system and you need written proof to back up your claims and to get him the services he may need.
6. Request the Same Police Officer Again
Ask if you can specifically request any of the officers you’ve met with to be the ones who respond to your call. These are the officers you want to come to your home if the need arises. Also, get names and business cards if they’re willing. In taking these steps, you’re improving the chances of an effective response to your child’s behavior by the police.
Again, be proactive in your interactions with the police. Take along this Police Intervention Worksheet with you when you go to the station.
Sit down with an officer and go through it together. Tell the officer that you’re there to find ways to hold your child accountable. And also tell them that you are willing to work with the police for a good outcome for everyone.
As a team, you have a much better chance to hold your child responsible for his behavior so that he can grow into a productive, law-abiding citizen.
Related Content:
When Kids Get Violent: “There’s No Excuse for Abuse”
About Kim Abraham, LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW
Kimberly Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner are the co-creators of The ODD Lifeline® for parents of Oppositional, Defiant kids, and Life Over the Influence™, a program that helps families struggling with substance abuse issues (both programs are included in The Total Transformation® Online Package). Kimberly Abraham, LMSW, has worked with children and families for more than 25 years. She specializes in working with teens with behavioral disorders, and has also raised a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW, is the mother of four and has been a therapist for 15 years. She works with children and families and has in-depth training in the area of substance abuse. Kim and Marney are also the co-creators of their first children's book, Daisy: The True Story of an Amazing 3-Legged Chinchilla, which teaches the value of embracing differences and was the winner of the 2014 National Indie Excellence Children's Storybook Cover Design Award.
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I would like to understand why my 22 year old abuses me calling me all kinds of hames bracken get
All the things in my house and has hit me several times. I am at my wits end please advise what I am
Suppose to do as a mother
ttcat79
I’m
sorry to hear about the challenges you have been facing with your daughter, and
I’m glad that you are reaching out for support.In many states, there is a program through the juvenile justice system
or family courts often called CHINS or PINS (child/person in need of
supervision/services), or something similar.In this program, the court is petitioned for assistance in holding a
child accountable for her choices, and in some cases, the child may be removed
from the home for therapeutic purposes or safety reasons.You can get more information on what this
process might look like in your community by contacting the local court
clerk.I can only imagine how difficult
this must be for you, and I wish you and your family all the best moving
forward.
ChildofGod4life
I hear how scared you are of the behavior you are witnessing
from your son, and how much you want to help him. His statements and
actions are understandably concerning, and I’m glad that you are reaching out
for support. At this point, I encourage you to work with local supports to
develop a plan that will keep both of you safe when he starts to
escalate. For example, you might consult with his doctor or a counselor
about what you can do if he runs away from home, or if he starts to attack you
physically. If you need assistance locating resources in your community,
the 211 Helpline can be a great resource. You can reach them by calling
1-800-273-6222 or by visiting http://www.211.org/.
I wish you and your son all the best as you continue to move forward. Take
care.
Exhusted Mom
It’s understandable you would be exhausted. It can be
overwhelming to have to face such extreme behavior on a daily basis. Talking to
the police may be helpful and the above article offers tips for doing just
that. Another thing that may be helpful is coaching your daughter forward, as
Carole Banks discusses in the article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-childs-behavior-is-so-bad-where-do-i-begin-how-to-coach-your-child-forward/.
The first step to coaching your child forward is picking one behavior to focus
on at a time. Trying to manage and address everything that’s going on is going
to be exhausting. It also won’t be very effective. It will also help to
decrease the power struggles you have been getting into with your daughter. You
may also find the blog https://www.empoweringparents.com/blog/a-tip-to-stop-power-struggles/ useful for your situation. Best of luck to you
and your family moving forward. Take care.
Understand the pain of having someone turn your reality into anything but safe. I don't deserve to be demeaned by anyone i.e. my son. My son is 23 and still lives in my home. He is addicted to alcohol and Pot, but he has been on everything he can get. Now he is sleeping with men who are addicts as well. My son has been an addict for at least 8 years. All the anger, hate, lying, stealing, destroying of property, going to jail many times, and is set to go again for stealing. I never ever thought this could happen in my life time, but here I am. My life has been consumed by his addictions and now he is hitting me, looked in the eyes and said he is going to kill me and he is not afraid of me. When will he hit his bottom and see that he has given up his life to be high. I am hoping that he is reaching a bottom as they say and find there is no place left to hide from his fears. What ever they may be for him. Now I have come to my bottom and find that I can not put my life on hold for him. I realize that I have given my life away. I will not give up on me. My life is mine and I have no business letting myself be consumed with his life of pain. I love him so much its like I was trying to make up for his loss of self love by double dosing him with my love.
Now I am seeing that was not possible to do for him let alone an addict.
Here is believing that you will come to your own bottom and make the changes on yourself and not put his changing before your own.
Lov ya
from a single mom who now knows now that I can not live his life for him. I will let him live it and where it takes him...
I love you Alex and always will.
who I can't trust or love. and fear of the worst, not able to stop or change the outcome. I am a hostage in my home. My son is a charmer and can manipulate anyone. He puts himself across as a person who is sweet, honest and will do anything to accommodate anyone. He has worked hard to isolate me from other adults and described me as crazy and dishonest. Now I find that I am safe when I know where I stand with myself.
Justamom6
Do the best for you. She enjoys the power she has over you by intimidating you and abusing you. Do not feel ashamed or guilty. She is responsible for her actions. If it means having her arrested or removed from your home then do it no matter how hard it is. I went to counselling which helped me. Be strong and break the unhea!thy cycle.
Lost Mom 136
I can hear how distressed you are about this situation. I am
sorry it has gotten to the point where you are considering asking your daughter
to leave your home. However, no one should have to live with disrespect and
abuse. Your daughter is an adult and if she chooses to continue treating you
and other family members badly, then asking her to leave is within the scope of
possibilities. We have an article you may find useful for your situation -
https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/rules-boundaries-and-older-children-part-ii-in-response-to-questions-about-older-children-living-at-home/. I know this isn’t an easy situation. Good luck to
you and your family moving forward. Take care.
iam a separated father and my son is 15. I had been telling my son that domestic violence includes hitting parents and grannies and once he is 15 even the law starts placing responsibilities ooooon him. He wont listen. His mum has a boyfriend. Now he tell mehe want me to pay his sports and be taxi driver and no communication at all on all topics including his health etc.. just to pay adrive and leave otherwise he becomes violent. .Currently he argues on his sprots nutrition since in my opinon he is not eating properly and was sick three times on the day he had races.... even his coach said its not normal but his mum blamed school tests and exam pressure..brought him his virues.. . my opinion he is not eating well.. so he is now even to tell me the time of pick up he shouts in agrresive manner...
what can i do ??should i simply go for himor should i just pa y and stop all contact...