Does your child ignore every consequence you give him? James Lehman can help with 10 specific ways to make consequences work—even for the most resistant child.
When kids are faced with something unpleasant, they’ll often act like it doesn’t matter to them. When your child says, “I don’t care,” or seems unaffected when you give him a consequence, what he’s really saying is, “You can’t hurt me.”
That’s because receiving a consequence makes kids feel powerless. Their sense of self almost requires them to respond by shrugging and saying, “Whatever,” simply in order to feel in control again.
Focus on what you want your child to learn from the consequence—not whether or not he’s going to care.
Personally, I don’t think parents should worry too much when their child appears not to be affected. Instead, I think you should focus on what you want your child to learn from the consequence—not whether or not he’s going to care.
In fact, I think trying to get your child to care is a misdirected goal. Don’t put so much weight on making him “hurt” that you’re not thinking about trying to get your child to learn a new behavior. If your child can stop you in your tracks by saying “I don’t care,” you’re giving him way too much power.
To put it another way, if you’re looking for your child to surrender, forget about it. A consequence is not designed to make your child say, “I’m sorry, Mom, I was wrong.” Rather, it’s there to help your child change his behavior.
Think of it this way. The consequence for not following the speed limit is that you might get a speeding ticket. You may shrug and say, “Whatever,” to the police officer when he pulls you over, but that won’t stop him from giving you that ticket. And if you say, “I don’t care,” he’ll say, “Well, here you go, sir. Have a good day.” He won’t argue with you. He’ll simply hand you the ticket and walk away.
In my opinion, you have to be like that police officer when giving your child a consequence. Don’t get sucked into an argument when your teen says, “I don’t care,” because that argument brings you down to his level—and that’s what he’s looking for. Instead, just say:
“All right, fine, but you’re still going to lose your cell phone for 48 hours.”
Then simply turn around and leave the room.
Again, if you’re trying to get your child to care about the consequence you give him, that’s like trying to get him to like you. You shouldn’t try to control his emotional life. Just say:
“These are the consequences.”
And even if he says he doesn’t care, let him know that he will encounter them again if he breaks the rules.
Here are 10 tips for how to give consequences that work—even when kids say they don’t care.
1. Use Consequences That Have Meaning
It’s almost never effective to give your child a consequence in the heat of an argument. Often, parents will be either too harsh or too lenient, because nothing appropriate comes to mind immediately.
I advise parents to sit down and write a “consequences list.” You can think of this as a menu of choices. When compiling this list, keep in mind that you want the consequence to be unpleasant, because you want your child to feel uncomfortable. It’s also important to think about the lesson you want him to learn—and this lesson should be attached to the consequence.
If, like most teens, your child’s cell phone has meaning for him, don’t be shy about using it as leverage. So let’s say your child curses and is rude to his sister, and you want him to learn how to manage his feelings. I think an effective consequence might be that he would lose his cell phone until he doesn’t curse and isn’t rude to his sister for 24 hours.
In those 24 hours, he might also have to write a note of apology to his sibling stating what he’ll do differently the next time he gets frustrated. If he fails to write the letter, he doesn’t get his phone back—and the 24 hours starts all over again.
2. Don’t Try to Appeal to His Emotions with Speeches
Remember, your job is not to get your child to love his sister or to appeal to his emotions with a speech because all he will hear is, “Your sister looks up to you, blah, blah, blah.”
Your job is to take his phone and say:
“Hey, we talk to each other nicely around here. And if you can’t do that, then you can’t use the phone. We’ll talk about giving it back to you after you talk nicely to your family for 24 hours.”
3. Make Consequences Black and White
When you give a consequence, the simpler you keep things, the better. Again, you don’t want to get into details and long speeches. What you want to do is lay out your consequences for your child’s inappropriate behavior very clearly.
It’s often helpful if he knows ahead of time what will happen when he acts out. The consequences for your child’s behavior should be clear to him. Tell him:
“If you talk nastily to your sister, this is what’s going to happen from now on.”
And whenever you’re going to introduce an idea to your child that may be unsettling, anxiety-provoking, or frustrating to him, do it when things are going well, not when everybody’s screaming at each other. Wait until a calm moment and then lay out the consequences simply and clearly.
4. Talk to Your Child About Effective Problem-Solving
I think it’s vitally important to have problem-solving conversations with your child after an incident has occurred. When things are going well, you can say:
“If you get frustrated with your sister in the future, what can you do differently, other than to call her names? Let’s make a list.”
You might help generate some ideas by saying:
“Instead of calling her names, how about going to your room and listening to some music for a few minutes? Could you do that?”
And try to help your child come up with his own ideas. He might say, “If she follows me around the house, I’ll go to my room.”
You can then say:
“All right, why don’t we try that? For the rest of today, if your sister bothers you, pick one thing that you’re going to do from this list and see if it’s helpful.”
Conversations like these are how you get your child to think about alternative solutions other than yelling at his sister, name-calling, or acting out.
Look at it this way: we all get frustrated, we all get angry, and we all get anxious. But everyone has to learn to deal with those feelings appropriately. And a problem-solving conversation is the most effective way to talk with your child about change.
5. Don’t Get Sucked into an Argument over Consequences
Don’t accept every invitation to argue with your child. Understand that he wants you to get upset so he can drag you into a fight.
Your child also wants to show you that he’s not hurt by the consequence you’ve given him. Believe me, I understand that it’s annoying and frustrating as a parent. Kids will try to push your buttons by saying: “Who cares. Whatever.” But don’t get sucked into it. Just say:
“All right, it’s too bad that you don’t care. That means it’s just going to happen more often.”
Then go do something else. And remember, while you don’t want to get sucked into a power struggle, you also don’t want to destroy your child’s pride by demeaning him. You just want him to stop talking poorly to his sister.
6. Don’t Teach Your Child How to “Do Time”
Many parents get frustrated and ground their kids for long periods of time in order to make the punishment stick. Personally, I think that’s a mistake.
If you simply ground your child, you’re teaching him to do time. And he won’t learn anything new. But if you ground him until he accomplishes certain things, you can greatly increase the effectiveness of the consequence.
I always say to make your consequences task-oriented, not time-oriented. So if your child loses his video game privileges for 24 hours, he should be doing something within that time frame that helps him improve his behavior. Simply grounding him from his video games for a week will just teach him how to wait until he can get them back—not how to behave more appropriately. Many parents believe the key to making consequences effective is to get a bigger hammer, but that’s not a sound teaching method. And it’s ineffective.
Think about it, if you ground him for 30 days and then he does something wrong tomorrow, what are you going to do? Ground him for 40 days? It won’t be effective at that point. And you probably won’t stick to it anyway. You are basically out of grounding ammunition!
But, if you ground him for 24 hours, then if he misbehaves again later in the week, you can ground him again. Again, we want consequences to be learning experiences. A consequence that doesn’t fit the crime will just seem meaningless to your child, and won’t get you the desired result.
Remember, you don’t want to be so punitive that your child simply gives up. And you don’t want to use up all your consequences ammunition all at once. It’s ineffective and doesn’t translate to better behavior. And better behavior IS the goal.
7. Engage Your Child’s Self-interest
Learn to ask questions in ways that appeal to your child’s self-interest. So for example, you might say:
“What are you going to do the next time you think Dad is being unfair so you won’t get into trouble?”
In other words, you’re trying to engage his self-interest. If your child is a teenager, he won’t care about how Dad feels. Adolescents are frequently very detached from the feelings of others, particularly their parents. They might feel guilty and say they’re sorry later, but you’ll see the behavior happen again.
So learn to appeal to their self-interest, and ask him the question:
“What can you do so you don’t get in trouble next time?”
Put it in his best interests. Say to him:
“Understand, if you’re going to talk to your sister meanly or curse at her, things are only going to get worse for you, not better. I know you want to keep your phone, so let’s think of ways for you to be able to do that.”
8. Learn to Know If a Consequence Is Working
Parents often say to me, “My child acts like he doesn’t care. So how do I know if the consequence I’m giving him is actually working?”
I always tell them, “It’s simple—you’ll know it’s working as long as he’s being held accountable.” Accountability gives you the best chance for change.
Think again about the police officer who gives the speeding ticket. Does he actually believe that a single speeding ticket ensures that a driver never speeds again? Of course not. But, the officer knows that if he holds the speeder accountable every time that even the worst offenders eventually learn to slow down.
9. Don’t Take Away Important Events
In my opinion, there are certain things that should never be taken away from kids. For instance, you should never prohibit your child from going to the prom. Not ever. That’s a milestone in your child’s life.
Personally, I think that milestones should not be taken away. Your child is not going to learn anything from that experience. He’s just going to be bitter.
I also believe that sports should not be taken away. I have no problem with kids missing a practice if that’s part of a consequence, but taking away the sport entirely is not a good idea.
10. Don’t Show Disgust or Disdain
When giving consequences to your child, be consistent and firm, but don’t show disgust or disdain.
In my opinion, you should never be sarcastic with your child because it’s wounding. What you’re trying to do is raise someone who can function, not somebody who feels they’re a constant disappointment to you.
It’s very important to shape your behavior so that your child knows you’re not taking his mistakes personally. Remember, the look on your face and the tone of your voice communicates a lot more to your child than your words do. Positive regard is critical for getting your message across.
A Final Thought
I think it’s important to remember that life is really a struggle for many kids. Going to school is difficult, both academically and socially, and there is tremendous pressure on children and teens to perform today.
Personally, I think that kids should be recognized and respected for that. Think of it this way: what you’re really trying to do is work on your child’s behavior to get him to try to do different things.
So if your child misbehaves and you ground him from everything indefinitely, you’re losing sight of all the other things he did right. And he will, too.
Instead, we want to look at inappropriate behavior as a mistake your child makes. Parents often wonder why their kids make the same mistakes over and over, and I say, “Well, they do that because they’re kids. They’re not pretending. They perceive things very differently than adults do.”
We want our kids to learn, so we use the things they enjoy as leverage to teach them better behavior. After all, giving your child a consequence until he shows you he can do better is an effective tool you have at your disposal at all times—even if he tells you he doesn’t care.
Related content:
How to Get Your Child to Listen: 9 Secrets to Giving Effective Consequences
Ask Parent Coaching: What to Do When Your Child Says “I Don’t Care”
About James Lehman, MSW
James Lehman, who dedicated his life to behaviorally troubled youth, created The Total Transformation®, The Complete Guide to Consequences™, Getting Through To Your Child™, and Two Parents One Plan™, from a place of professional and personal experience. Having had severe behavioral problems himself as a child, he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. Empowering Parents now brings this insightful and impactful program directly to homes around the globe.
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I'm on year 24 as a parent. I'm burnt out, completely. I'd like to say I've learned a great deal, but the resounding truth seems to be people are who they are. Not one of my 7 children (24 down to 8) has ever cared about being part of a family, cleaning up after themselves, reaching a goal, or being respectful.
You can give any consequence you like. They do not care. They just ignore you for weeks, months, or days. I am really good at sticking to a consequence. When you tell them they are not to have an item they cherish, they put all their stuff in a pile in the hall. You can call their bluff. They will not request it back. Years could pass. I ended up donating quite a few boxes, when some hit adulthood.
My middle, and younger children are fighters. I hate fighting. My husband is physically ill from all the bickering. We came from that environment, and we like reasonable conversations. We raised them in this normal speaking voice, because shouting and hitting is insane. They won't talk about tweaking their behavior. They just shrug and walk away. One kid is on day 44 of doing absolutely nothing. She has only stated, "I'm not a robot."
I have forgotten why I wanted to be a parent. I was raised around DOZENS of kids. I knew they were gross, whiny, and stubborn. My children take the cake. They have taken weaponized incompetence, and strapped nuclear programming to it.
I don't have extended family support. They are screamers. Plus, my oldest son still pops by to scream at me every couple of weeks.
I have failed miserably. I'm tired of people treating me like a trash can.
My 10 year old was asked on a school project, what I like to do. She wrote, "Clean". Next to mom's hobby's "Clean". What is your mom's job "Clean"
What is your mom's favorite possession? "Vacuum"
I'm an object to my family, even though I spent decades teaching them how to treat people well.
sigh
None of this worked. My 12 year old isn't allowed on the internet (never has been). He has some games that are online, but no surfing the internet. So, someone at school told him about a youtuber and this game stream he does. The kid made it sound really cool to him and he came home and downloaded youtube to his ps. It's been a constant battle ever since.In the 18 months he's started getting into more and more trouble at school as a result. We tell him no delete the app and take away the ps for a few days (between 2 and 5 days depending on how long it shows he's had it). The same kid tells him we're too over protective and need to get a life.
We've tried just banning the show. taking away the ps. Rewarding him for days he doesn't have the app. Talking to him about why he can't have it. Doing group punishment were his little brother receives the same. Physical punishments. Nothing works...nothing. In just a few days he redownload the app and we start all over. We are now moving into a phase were both child will only be allowed 30 minutes on the ps for the entire day and have to give up their controllers once the time has elapsed, but I dont think this will work either.
Help
I agree with almost everything in this article. We have a very defiant 13 year old, but most of these techniques are very effective. One of my favorites is making them earn back what they lose in the way of privileges with out just "doing time". i.e. He has to clean up his room and keep it clean for so many days if he wants access to a play room where the TV is.
But one that's kind of a "maybe" for me is this one:
"In my opinion, there are certain things that should never be taken away from kids. For instance, you should never prohibit your child from going to the prom. Not ever. "
I sympathize with the reasoning behind this. I really do. A teenager may have a moment of stupid bad behavior, and taking away something like the prom is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that he would miss out on and never be able to enjoy for the rest of his life.
The problem, however, is that children quickly figure out when certain privileges are "Holy Grails" - they are so important, so once-in-a-lifetime, or so ingrained in the family lifestyle that there is no way they will be taken away. And a truly defiant child will capitalize on this, taking advantage and being a maximum jerk on the eve of these events, because they know they cannot be taken away.
At moments like this, you *must* do away with sentiment and family tradition, and take away the privilege. A defiant kid must know that NOTHING is really ever "off the table" if they are going to push hard enough.
What do I do? my daughter is 6 and was only 6 in July. I have problems with her behaviour at home and the teacher also do at school. She just doesn't listen and she is very angry and negative. I feel so drained and it's effecting us all as a family as her older brother and sister just say why is she like this!!! I have also contacted a family link worker which didn't solve anything. I just don't know what to do.
Kind regards Claire
Clairelcoaker
I’m sorry to hear
about the challenges you are experiencing with your daughter, and I’m glad that
you are reaching out for support, both here and in your local community.
It can be very draining when you are around someone who is constantly angry and
negative, and this doesn’t change simply because it is your child. We
have many articles and other resources which address these topics here on our
site. Here are some you might find useful to start with: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/defiant-young-children-and-toddlers-5-things-not-to-do/ and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/negative-children-how-to-deal-with-a-complaining-child-or-teen/. Please be
sure to let us know if you have additional questions; take care.
Hi Claire,
I hope you don't mind me responding. I just thought on the off-chance this could help you I couldn't leave it. I have a 9 year old who we have had similar issues with for years. In fact both of your comments struck a chord with me as you could be talking about my son. We have always followed a positive parenting style but we got to the point where nothing was working. I have four kids and it works fine with them. It was tearing out family apart. I recently found out he has the MTHFR gene mutation and very high Pyrolle levels. Since getting his biochemistry right, which we've done through a holistic doctor and naturopath (we are still working on it but 3 months in and we are seeing great changes) we are able to coach and parent him in a positive way and see results, for the first time ever. I can't tell you how much this is changing the dynamics of our family. He is still by far the most challenging in our household but he is SO much better! He still has his massive 'episodes' but they are shorter and fewer. We are re-training him to deal with things and its sticking because he has the ability to process it now.
I don't know if this might help, I really hope it does. Good luck and hang in there mumma xx
Clairelcoaker
Thank you for
responding, and I recognize how stressful it can be when it feels like most of
your interactions with your daughter are either arguments or addressing poor
behavior. Something that can be helpful is to prioritize all the issues
you are facing with your daughter’s behavior, and only focus on the top one or
two. In this way, you can prevent becoming overwhelmed, as well as
building some positive interactions with your daughter. Sara Bean offers
more tips in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/in-over-your-head-how-to-improve-your-childs-behavior-and-regain-control-as-a-parent/. Take care.
Thank you so much!
I had no ideia what to do with my son...
He is driving me nuts.
You help me so much..
.thank you!
clhunter15
You ask a great question. Truthfully, the purpose of a
consequence is to
hold a child accountable for his behavior while also offering him the
opportunity to learn how to make better choices in the future. Therefore, it’s important
to follow through with any consequence once it’s given. With that said, there
may be times when a parent gives a consequence in the heat of the moment that,
in hindsight, may be extreme. In those situations, a parent can go back after
things have calmed down and revisit what the consequence will be. Janet Lehman
gives tips for how to do this in her article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/child-discipline-consequences-and-effective-parenting/. I hope this helps to
answer your question. Take care.
My 14 year old son acts in the way you describe. He also acts this way with his teachers resulting in him being suspended. If we ground him he leaves the house regardless. He often goes to friends houses where we don't know where they live and the parents are unaware of his behaviour, or In some cases, are led to believe is being mistreated at home. He comes home When he wants.
My wife and I feel totally powerless
My daughter is doing the same thing. She got into trouble and was grounded from her phone and fun. So she just left and I don't know where she goes. No amount of punishment, understanding, talking, etc has helped. She just wants her way, to do what ever she wants.
She blames everything on me.