Children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) are often difficult to parent. They have trouble understanding directions. They have trouble with social situations. And those with hyperactivity issues are usually in a constant state of activity.
It’s an understatement to say that parenting kids with ADHD is a special challenge. In my 25 years as a child psychologist, and as the father of a son with ADHD, I’ve found that it’s helpful to shift the way you think about parenting in some ways.
Here are 10 things you can do today to make your parenting easier and more effective:
1. Create and Post a Daily Schedule in Your Home
Set up specific times for waking up, eating, playing, doing homework, doing chores, using electronics, and going to bed.
Write the schedule on a whiteboard or a piece of paper and hang it where your child will see it. The refrigerator is often a good place to hang it.
If your child can’t read yet, use drawings or symbols to show the activities of each day. Explain any changes in routine in advance. Make sure your child understands the changes.
2. Create and Post the House Rules
Make the rules of behavior for the family simple, clear, and short. Rules should be explained clearly. It’s important to explain what will happen when the rules are obeyed and when they are broken.
Write down the list of rules and the consequences for not following them. The consequences for breaking rules should be fair, quick, and consistent.
Hang this list next to the daily schedule.
3. Be Positive and Praise Good Behavior
Understand that children with ADHD spend most of their day being told what they are doing wrong. This can be demoralizing over time. Therefore, praise their good behavior often. It can be as simple as a pat on the back, a smile or a “good job, thanks!”
Reward your child regularly for any good behavior, even little things such as getting dressed and closing doors quietly.
Also, tell your child what you want rather than what you don’t want. In other words, be positive with your words when you can.
Pro Tip: this technique works well with all your relationships!
4. Make Sure Your Directions Are Understood
First, get your child’s attention. Look directly into his or her eyes. Then tell your child in a clear, calm voice exactly what you want. Ask your child to repeat the directions back to you.
It’s usually better to keep directions simple and short. For difficult tasks, give only one or two directions at a time. Then congratulate your child when he or she completes each step.
5. Be Consistent
Only promise what you will deliver. Do what you say you are going to do. Repeating directions and requests many times doesn’t work well.
When your child breaks the rules, warn only once and do so in a quiet voice. If your child ignores the warning then follow through with the consequence that you promised.
Related content: Effective Consequences for ADHD Kids
6. Make Sure Your Child is Supervised
Because children with ADHD are impulsive, they need more adult supervision than other children their age. Make sure your child is supervised by adults all day.
7. Watch Your Child Around His Friends
It’s hard for children with ADHD to learn social skills and social rules. Be careful to select playmates for your child with similar language and physical skills.
At first, invite only one or two friends over at a time. Watch them closely while they play. Reward good play behaviors often. Most of all, don’t allow hitting, pushing, and yelling in your house or yard. For this reason, it is especially important to supervise your child around his friends.
8. Get Ready for School the Night Before
School mornings may be difficult for children with ADHD. Get ready the night before—lay out school clothes and get the book bag ready. Allow enough time for your child to get dressed and eat a good breakfast.
If your child is especially slow in the mornings, it’s important to make enough time to dress and eat.
9. Set up a Homework Routine
Pick a regular place for doing homework. This place should be away from distractions such as other people, television, and video games.
Break homework time into small parts and have breaks. For example, give your child a snack after school and then let him play for a few minutes. Then start homework time. Stop frequently for short “fun breaks” that allow your child to do something enjoyable.
Give your child lots of encouragement, but let your child do the school work on his or her own.
10. Focus on Effort and Consistency, Not Grades
Reward your child when he tries to finish schoolwork, not just for good grades. The goal should be for them to be consistent and persistent in their studying. If they can achieve this goal, the grades will eventually follow. Of course, you can give extra rewards for earning better grades.
Related Content:
8 Tips for Parents of Children with ADHD
ADHD and Young Children: Unlocking the Secrets to Good Behavior
About Robert Myers, PhD
Dr. Robert Myers is a child psychologist with more than 30 years of experience working with children and adolescents with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADD - ADHD) and learning disabilities. Dr. Myers is Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry and Human Behavior at UC Irvine School of Medicine. "Dr. Bob" has provided practical information for parents as a radio talk show host and as editor of Child Development Institute's website, childdevelopmentinfo.com. Dr. Myers earned his Ph.D. from the University of Southern California.
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Jeannette: Please check out Acting Out in School: When Your Child is the Class Troublemaker by James Lehman when you have a chance.
Hope this is helpful!
I understand completely the frustration of parenting ADD/ADHD kids, when one or both of the parents also has it! I am ADHD (BIG emphasis on the "H"), and have had to learn and implement many coping skills over the years. My husband is ADD (and the absence of the "H" is very apparent!), and many times seems to sabotage or undo the structures I have laid into place for my own sake and his... and the kids'.
We have one daughter who is severely ADHD -- absolutely cannot hold more than a single thought in her head at one time (so there is no teaching her cause-and-effect consequences, because by the time her brain gets to the "effect", the "cause" is long gone), and her "H" presents itself as over-the-top impulsiveness. So, here is my take-away on her: PATIENCE. She is now 21, she barely gets by in this world because of her ADHD, but it is HER journey, not mine. She is slowly, surely, learning the techniques that we taught her through the years. Would she have learned them more quickly had my husband been on board better? Maybe. But, I have learned to accept -- "it is what it is."
We have a son who is 14, severe ADD, but absolutely no "H", he is near-catatonic sometimes, and also loves to "play inattentive" whenever he doesn't like what he is hearing. Okay. Actions speak louder than words, so the words just stopped, and the consequences just started. My take-away with him: don't tell, ASK. ("Oh. Hmm. What just happened? Why do you suppose that happened?" Then he has to own his experience, and he has to make the connection between his action and the consequence -- I don't make that connection for him).
I wholeheartedly agree with the tip that says make the consequence swift, simple, and get it over with! (for example, 'grounding' your ADD/ADHD kid from something for more than one day is completely ineffective).
I have found that this same technique works with my husband, too. Not in a mean or unkind way... not even in a judgmental or "better-than-you" way... just in a firm "this is the way it is", non-rescuing way.
Final take-away: if a technique is not working for you, assess it, tweak it, or discard it and try something different. If you have ADD/ADHD, be sure to give the technique a really good attempt before discarding it, because you will be inclined to discard it too soon.
How do I parent children (3 possibly 4 out of 5) with ADD and ADHD when I believe my husband also has ADD. He is very inconsistent and often does the opposite of what i do or what i ask him to do.
The house is very disorganized, i try very hard to organize things, keep them in the same place,keep a schedule/routine so that the children can cope with their disabilities.
My husband does not believe he is ADD but I am fairly certain he is. He is very resistant to the idea therefore, resistant to getting any kind of help for it or working on his own disorganization and impulsive characteristics.
I would like to know more information about parenting a young adult with severe ADD. He is supporting himself (just barely) and is in his 6th year of college, on his last semester of getting his Associate's degree. He works as a server in a restaurant. He often ends up getting fired for not showing up on time. He has had poor grades despite being very intelligent. He has addictive behaviors, smoking,drinking,video games. His mother has passed away, as his aunt I am trying to help him. Please give advice to those who are trying to parent an adult ADD person, who still needs parenting.
Thanks,