Nobody understands what it’s like to parent an oppositional, defiant child unless you have one. The exhaustion, isolation and feelings of helplessness and shame can be debilitating for any parent. Kim Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner understand where you’re coming from, because they’ve worked with parents of kids with Oppositional Defiant Disorder for 20 years—and Kim is also the parent of an adult child with O.D.D.
EP: Many parents of oppositional, defiant kids write in to EP and say that they feel helpless, ashamed, and like they’ve “failed as parents.” Why is it so difficult and exhausting to parent an O.D.D. child?
You have to stop taking on your child’s personality as your responsibility.
Kim: There are so many complicated feelings when you parent an oppositional or defiant child. You do feel like a failure much of the time. You’re disappointed with yourself and with your child because you know that you are both falling short of expectations. Your child is expected to behave, and you are expected to discipline them “the right way.” You’re expected to raise your child to be respectful and to be a successful, independent adult some day. And when you see that your child or teen isn’t heading in that direction, you feel like you’re not doing your job. You even dread holidays because people will ask you, “So how’s your family doing?” or “How is your son doing?” And you don’t want to answer that question. To put it bluntly, you just live in fear.
As the parent of an O.D.D. child myself, I used to worry about what other people thought of me. I felt judged all the time. And make no mistake, people do judge; it’s human nature. So when you have a child who’s acting out and behaving disrespectfully—and who is also constantly doing things to bring negative attention to your family—you are being judged by society. And even worse, you’re being judged by your family, your neighbors, and school administrators. People are looking at you and saying, “This is your child—your product, so to speak—and he’s not turning out in a good way.” That’s when you really feel like a failure.
EP: Marney, you work with parents of O.D.D. kids. What do parents typically say when they first come to you?
Marney: Many times, the first emotion parents will identify is anger. But underneath that anger is something much deeper. Like Kim said, parents can start to feel like failures, even though that is far from the truth. Feeling ashamed is such a very vulnerable spot to be in. But it’s so understandable, because parenting an O.D.D. child makes parents feel ineffective, weak and exhausted.
I think anger is the first emotion parents have because it makes you feel more in control—you’re mad, the adrenalin is pumping and you’re showing the world that hard front. But when you are able to go underneath those feelings, you can dig out that shame and embarrassment and helplessness.
I always remind parents that you can’t control someone else’s behavior—not really. People are judging you on your child’s personality—something that you’ve got absolutely no control over. When you feel ashamed of something that you’ve done, you can change that. You can apologize, make amends or try to rectify the situation as best you can. But if it’s something your child has done, understand that it’s not your fault or responsibility, even though others may see it that way.
The parents that I’ve worked with sometimes come in feeling ashamed of some of their own behavior. When you raise an O.D.D. child, it’s extremely overwhelming; you make choices that you never expected you would make. You might yell or embarrass yourself in public because your child pushed every button you had, for example. Or maybe you’ve been caught off guard at a family function when your child has acted up. You might have screamed at your kid, grabbed him and left in a huff. Later, you probably felt embarrassed that you “lost it” that way in front of everyone. So there are really two pieces of the shame parents can feel. You might be ashamed of your child’s behavior, but there also may be words or actions you wish you could take back. I think most parents, including myself, have done something, that made them think, “Man, what was I doing?”
EP: What happens if you don’t have a way to get rid of those feelings of shame?
Kim: I can tell you from experience that you become very insecure with who you are—not just as a parent, but in general. Your faith in yourself is so shaken that you start doubting other areas of your life. You begin to think, “I’m not a good parent. Am I good at my job? Am I failing at that, too?” You feel defeated because you begin to believe that you are unable to do the biggest, most important job of your life. And you do feel very insecure and vulnerable. I think that no one really knows what that’s like unless they’re the parent of an O.D.D. kid.
Marney: I also want to say that over time, if you don’t find a way to let go of those feelings, they start to eat you up inside. Some parents who come into my office are extremely depressed. They really believe that they are terrible mothers and fathers. Often, they’ve been beating their heads against the wall for years, trying to figure out where they went wrong; they simply don’t know what to do next. Sadly, there aren’t many places that can teach you how to parent better.
EP: So how do you learn to let go of all of these feelings of failure and become a more effective parent?
Kim: I firmly believe the key to all of it—letting go of the shame and blame and learning how to become a better parent—is really acceptance. I personally had to learn to accept the fact that my son was who he was. I have to admit it was extremely difficult to let go of the picture I’d created in my mind of what my child would be like–the picture I held onto for many years. Once I truly accepted him, everything changed, because I changed. The other thing that parents can do is to learn how to put the focus back where it belongs—on your child and his behavior. Blaming yourself won’t do any good.
The way you shift the focus with others who may be judging or criticizing you is with your words. We call these “Pocket Responses.” For example, if somebody were to say something to you about your child’s behavior, you could reply, “Yeah, that was surprising to me, too.” You’re just sharing in their observation almost as if your child was a stranger on the street who just did something really obnoxious. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t give consequences to your child or hold them accountable for their behavior; I’m just saying that you have to stop taking your child’s personality on as your responsibility.
Marney: I recommend this to parents: If you’re in a store and your 12-year-old is doing something that’s embarrassing to you, like being loud, demanding or obnoxious, one of the things you can tell yourself is, “This doesn’t appear to be embarrassing him. Why should I be upset?”
With people who judge you, most of the time no matter what you say, it’s not going to change their opinion. Most of us, whether we have an oppositionally defiant child or not, have family members who want to give advice or find fault. Oftentimes there isn’t anything you can say that would really change their opinion. So those pocket responses are crucial, because they help you to avoid getting drawn into defending your parenting skills—or showing your vulnerability. Remember, as soon as you start defending yourself or trying to “fix” your child, you’ve taken the responsibility for your child’s personality.
EP: Just to clarify, what would you say really is your responsibility as a parent and what isn’t?
Kim: I think we have to go back to the basics. Other than providing food, shelter and clothing, your responsibility as a parent is to educate your children and provide consequences and discipline when it’s appropriate. You can teach them your values and morals and let them know what your hopes and dreams are for them. Give them an opportunity to meet those expectations and those hopes. And then model it—and live your life that way so your child sees how it can be done. But beyond that, there isn’t anything more you can do—not really.
Another important pocket response that we use is, “My child is not a reflection of me.” For a long time I believed that my kids were a reflection of who I was until I sat down one day and realized that this was insanity. Think of it this way: If you have a child who does extremely well in school, would you take credit for all of his accomplishments? One of my sons was very successful academically and his teachers would compliment me, but I always said, “No, that’s all him.” I couldn’t take that credit because I hadn’t done the work or earned those honors for him. In the same way, you can’t take credit for the misbehavior of your oppositionally defiant child.
I also want to say that there’s not one parent out there whose child turned out exactly how they wanted them to. In fact, when Marney and I lead parenting groups, in the very first session we talk about how you really can’t predict where people are going to end up in life.
EP: What are some other concrete ways of dealing with the shame and the feelings of insecurity parents might be having?
Kim: Recognize when you’re having self-defeating thoughts that leave you feeling ashamed—and then change those thoughts. Just stop yourself, take a deep breath and say, “This is not helping. I’m going to think about what I can do in this situation instead of what I have no control over.”
If you can actually stop yourself and uncover what the negative thought was, it will probably be something like, “I was embarrassed because I felt like I was a failure as a parent.” Or, “I felt that everyone at the store was looking at me because my child was being obnoxious.” Once you uncover what those thoughts are, you can then change them. Then, take it one step further and put a new thought in your head, such as, “I am a good parent. I do the best I can. I have a difficult child to raise; he’s challenging me and my parenting skills. But I do the best I can every day. People may judge, but I know inside of me that I’m a good parent.”
EP: Can you start to heal as a parent when you’re still feeling like a failure?
Kim: Yes, absolutely. You can begin to heal, but you have to uncover what is making you feel ashamed. And again, I think true healing starts when you begin to accept your child for who he is.
This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with his behavior, or that you think this is the way life should be lived. It just means that you’re accepting that your child is a human being outside of you. He’s a different person and he has the right to choose how he’s going to live his life. None of us wants anyone to tell us how to do that. You don’t want anyone to tell you how to live your life. I don’t want anybody to tell me how to live mine. And these kids don’t want anyone to tell them how to live theirs. They’re going to find their own path. I’m not going to sugarcoat it—some kids might face consequences along the way, especially if they end up breaking the law. But it’s still your child’s journey. If you continually try to force him to change who he is because you don’t like the path he’s on, you’re just going to set yourself up consistently for disappointment. But when you do get to a point where you can say, “I accept that this is my child,” then you can find a workable plan. You’re not constantly fighting to get your child to change—you’re working with what you have.
Marney: And then you’re still holding your child responsible for the things he needs to be held accountable for. And these include legal issues, safety issues, and health issues. And you can just put it out there and say, “If you’re doing something that’s unsafe, there’s going to be a consequence involved.” But you have to stop fighting with your child over the fact that he is not the person who you thought he would be. Again, you just have to accept your child for who he is and start there.
Related Content:
Parenting ODD Children and Teens: How to Make Consequences Work
When ODD Kids, Entitlement Mentality and Verbal Abuse Collide
About Kim Abraham, LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW
Kimberly Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner are the co-creators of The ODD Lifeline® for parents of Oppositional, Defiant kids, and Life Over the Influence™, a program that helps families struggling with substance abuse issues (both programs are included in The Total Transformation® Online Package). Kimberly Abraham, LMSW, has worked with children and families for more than 25 years. She specializes in working with teens with behavioral disorders, and has also raised a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW, is the mother of four and has been a therapist for 15 years. She works with children and families and has in-depth training in the area of substance abuse. Kim and Marney are also the co-creators of their first children's book, Daisy: The True Story of an Amazing 3-Legged Chinchilla, which teaches the value of embracing differences and was the winner of the 2014 National Indie Excellence Children's Storybook Cover Design Award.
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This is SUCH a good article!! I’ve been killing myself about my sons choices. He has been intimidating to me really since the day he was born. Always breaking rules, lying, sneaking, cheating, being disrespectful to teachers and especially coaches! He is academically smart, athletically gifted, handsome and charming. But when he doesn’t get what he wasn’t, it’s downright scary. In fact, his mantra is, “ I get what I want.” Well, he’s 17 and we took his car because we found weed in it and warned him that since it’s our car, if we find it or you come home high, we will take it. After a period of time we give it back. In the summer he was smoking marijuana in his room. We told him, we do not want it in the house and you better not drive under the influence because if you hurt someone or yourself l, we are responsible. We gave him a clear warning and he did it again. We smelled weed in the whole upstairs and he denied it of course AND we found $700 of weed in his car. So we took the car away and said until you have a clean drug test, your not never getting the car back. Our son called my husband and me “Bitches” and quit football and started missing school and he won’t speak to us except when he needs something. He says everyone smokes and drives and it’s no big deal. We are lame and we ruined his life.
It’s awful-he’s been angry and domineering his entire life. I’m sure lots of times I gave him what he wanted cause of his reaction.....but this car thing, feels wrong but he is mad and making us pay. He is ruining his current life, not us. I’ve had to go on anxiety medication, I feel down and just really helpless. My husband is happy w the tough love and is able to deal way better than me.
Anyway, I’m going to keep reading this over and over-it helps so much.
Jessie911ERT
I’m so sorry to
hear about the challenges you have had to face as a result of your daughter’s
choices and actions, and I recognize how exhausting this can be. It can
be understandably embarrassing and frustrating when your family is well-known
to the police and to CPS as a result of your daughter’s allegations.
While many parents resent this involvement, it can be useful to view them as a
resource for your family as you attempt to address your daughter’s
behavior. With your daughter’s upcoming release from the psychiatric
hospital, I encourage you to work with her treatment team to develop a
discharge plan to keep her safe as well as hold her accountable for her
actions. I also hear your need for support. For assistance locating
parenting groups as well as other resources in your community, try contacting
the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222. 211
is a service which connects people with available local supports. I hear
how difficult this has been, and I wish you and your family all the best as you
continue to move forward. Take care.
Ellery
We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and
sharing your story. I am sorry to hear about the way that your brother is
treating you and other family members, and I want to let you know that his
behavior is not your fault. Because we are a website aimed at helping
people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and
suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role.
Another resource which might be more useful to you is the Boys Town National
Hotline, which you can reach by calling
1-800-448-3000, 24/7. They have trained counselors who talk with kids, teens
and young adults everyday about issues they are facing, and they can help you
to look at your options and come up with a plan. They also have options
to communicate via text, email, and live chat which you can find on their
website, http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/
In addition, you might also consider contacting the http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) about the threats of suicide your brother
is making, and what you might be able to do to help. We wish you the best
going forward. Take care.
@Jenjen1
Parenting a child
who acts out inappropriately can be so challenging, and it’s common for this
type of behavior to put a strain on both the relationships within a family as
well as the family as a whole. You are not alone. I am sorry to
hear that counseling has not been effective for you to this point.
Sometimes, it can take a while to find the right fit for your family and your
needs. If you are interested in finding other options in your community,
you might try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at
1-800-273-6222. In the meantime, I encourage you to work with your son
during calm times to find more effective ways to manage his anger and
frustration. We have many articles and resources which address this
topic; one you might find helpful is another written by Kim and Marney: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/anger-rage-and-explosive-outbursts-how-to-respond-to-your-child-or-teens-anger/.
Thank you for reaching out. Please be sure to write back and let us know
how things are going; take care.
Feeling very helpless.
My husband & I have a 13 year old daughter who was diagnosed at 5 years old as having anxiety, depression, & ODD on top of body image complex issues & being very socially shy. She is a great child - we have not had the public angry outbursts that some say they have but my concern & frustrations are more so now that she has entered puberty. She is unable to function & cope with this & will sit in her room not going to school or fun activities with her friends crying & showering a lot. When we try to get her to go to school or events she normally would go to we see the ODD in full force along with extreme anxiety & it is impossible to find any words to help or consequences that will work to push her. We tried to get her to see a counsellor a few times & she refused- not getting out of the vehicle. We are so frustrated and feel helpless. Not sure what to do, how to help. When she is in this frame of mind- or that time of the month no logical explanations, talking, suggestions, or taking away of activities or electronic devises work. She's a wonderful girl who is well liked by her peers & does great in school & is the perfect student but it's at home where her ODD is seen mostly. Her dad & I don't feel ashamed like it is our fault really but feel more helpless & very sad for her future if we can not get some direction or help from someone.
DDK1313
I can only imagine how distressing this must have been for
you. It’s no wonder you would feel exhausted and overwhelmed. Even though your
son is only 7, it’s going to be very important to take these threats seriously.
It would be helpful to first make an appointment with his pediatrician. Let the
doctor know what behaviors you have been seeing as well as the statements your
son has been making. Your son’s pediatrician either would be able to rule out
any underlying issues that may be impacting your son’s behavior or determine if
further evaluation is necessary. It may also be helpful to contact your local
crisis response to find out what they would recommend in this situation. The
211 Helpline would be able to give you information on crisis response services
and other resources in your community. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a
day by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by going online to http://www.211.org/. Best of luck to you and your son moving
forward. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
I work as an Early Learning professional, currently as a Nanny, but prior to that I worked in Childcare centres and kindergartens. After 6 years working in the field, I am looking elsewhere for employment. The reason? Children are so badly behaved. In Australia, there are no effective discipline policies for children anymore. In our training, we were taught that there was to be no negative language used in the presence of children. They could not be told "no" or "don't" or even "stop". Children cannot be removed from a group or activity, even if they are being disruptive or violent.
Parents and carers alike have no effective tools for discipline. I have always had a kind approach to children. I do not even raise my voice. I always try to allow a child to talk through any problems. Children 5 and under are unreasonable. I have a child in my care who has just started school. Last week she told me she loved me, this week she had the most horrific tantrum that ended up as an asthmatic emergency and she would not allow me to administer ventolin to her. It was only when I threatened to call an ambulance, that she self administered her ventolin which is against our duty of care as childcare professionals. If this child refuses to eat dinner or have a bath or get dressed, there is very little you can do. I tried sitting with her and asking if she could use her words and tell me why she was so upset. There is a view amongst childcare "experts" that children always tell the truth and you will get to the root cause of the problem by allowing the little darlings to express themselves. In reality, I have found that children will manipulate a situation simply to get what they want.
My strategy now is to completely ignore bad behaviour. I can tolerate high levels of screaming and shrieking, so I just soldier on with other tasks until the child needs something. I refuse to comply with their request unless they treat me some respect. I will not allow whiny voices or unreasonable demands. This can be done calmly, but they need to know an adult is in charge. This goes against another theory that children have all the rights of adults. My belief is that rights go hand in hand with responsibility.
There has been a huge amount of social engineering in the area of childcare. In Australia, it is unbelievable the hoops you have to go through when you work with children. I would say that upward of 80% of children 5 and under are badly behaved. I have been assaulted in childcare settings, one time for simply asking a child to help me pack up wooden blocks. This child waited until I was bending down and facing away from them and then hit me over the back of the head with a large wooden plank. His punishment? Nothing!
I stood and listened to the Prep teacher trying to get her class to tidy up as I waited for my charge yesterday. It took about half an hour of cajoling, threatening and loud voices to get the job done. One child defiantly told the teacher "he doesn't clean up at home and he wont do it at school". Speak to anyone involved in teaching or childcare and the majority will tell you that the job has become very stressful.
So on to solutions. There are no consequences that children respond to anymore. Parents are overworked or simply do not have the stomach to discipline effectively. The ones that do end up in trouble, particularly those that choose to spank. Once children learn that the only punishment they are going to receive for bad behaviour is a talk fest with their parents and carers, it is all over. My husband is a policeman and he is already dealing with a generation of teenagers and young adults who fear no one and respect no one.
Walking on Egg Shells
The transition to
young adulthood can be a rocky one for both parents and their kids, even under
the best of circumstances. I hear how difficult it is for you to hear
these statements from the supports you have in place to help you with your
child and your child’s behavior. The truth is, though, that your role as
a parent changes from being a manager to more of a consultant when your child
turns 18, and that requires a different set skills. For assistance navigating
this transition, check out our article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/when-they-dont-leave-at-18-parenting-an-adult-child-with-odd/. I
appreciate your writing in, and I wish you all the best as you continue to move
forward. Take care.
Is age 3 too young to have ODD? Or is he just being 3? My son does everything the opposite of why I ask him; please don't paint on your shirt... paints directly on shirt while looking at me. I try other methods like "The paint isn't good for your skin, please keep it on the paper.... paints on skin.
Everything I do is wrong, to him... I offered him the wrong spoon, I stacked too many blocks, whatever it is... it's not right. Some days are better than others but we argue all the time.
I definitely feel like a failure as a mom, and I even feel that I should never have become a parent. Certainly don't want more kids for fear of going through this all over again. He doesn't act this way, with such gusto, with his dad. We all live together happily for the most part but my days alone with him are VERY difficult and end or start in tears.
Any insight would be appreciated.
csmom
You ask a great question. Generally speaking, it’s normal
for a 3 year to test boundaries as he tries to figure out where his limits are.
It’s not unusual for them to do the opposite of what their told and “No!” may
seem to be their favorite word. With that said, if you are worried there may be
an underlying issue affecting your son’s behavior, it may be helpful to make an
appointment with his pediatrician to discuss your concerns. Your child’s doctor
would be in a much better position to determine what, if any, assessments might
be warranted. We appreciate you writing in and are glad you are part of our
Empowering Parents community. Take care.
Hi
I am battling with my son's defiant behavior, he has never been diagnosed.
I started to feel mentally and physically exhausted, helpless and lost. I am not a happy person anymore. I am always angry and sensitive about my family comments about my son's behavior.
He tend to get in fight with everyone he plays with including my neice and nephew. He screams and shout in reaction of fear of being blamed. He is clumsy and tends to do silly things. When I teyi to explain to him he ignores and runaway.
He sometimes outbursts in crying trying to defend himself, most of the time he is not even aware that he accidentally hit someone. He forgets easily. I am confused on how to help him. I am getting complains everywhere and I was become sensitive about being point at. I am a single mom no mental support from my family . Just me and my son. I am having a mental break down point.
I feel lost angry and most of the time ending up hitting for his behavior.
I feel extreme sense of guilt and failure. I just feel so lost
My 6 1/2 year old son was recently diagnosed with ADHD (combined), Autism Level 1, ODD and Disruptive Mood Disorder. He has a long history of social problems in care and school, starting from the first daycare he was kicked out of, including camps and after-school care, through his current class in Grade 1. He's been expelled from two preschools for violence towards other children. He was suspended in kinder for choking a child. He threatens, teases and otherwise bullies his peers. Interactions with adult caregivers also include violence and aggression.
He's been improving with ADHD medication, PCIT therapy, our nanny who is ABA certified. But he still has very aggressive and sometimes violent conflicts with his peers at school. We have a 504 and, now with the autism diagnosis, are trying again for an IEP. Things at home have actually been improving at a rate much faster than at school.
My question: I've been considering moving him from our traditional, public school to a charter school in the area. It's a student-led learning environment, very hands on, lots of small group work, individualized education plans for kids, discipline focuses on helping students resolve conflicts on their own. It had a huge parental involvement requirement so there are always many adults in the classroom. During my tour, I also saw a small group of children working with an adult outside on the lawn. I love the philosophy but wonder if my son would really succeed in this type of educational environment. Is it structured enough for him. Will he do better because he can focus on his specific interests more, or will he find the loopholes to "get out" of assignments. How to ODD kids operate in this kind of a scholastic environment?
Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!!!
KimberleyR
I’m glad to hear you are seeing improvement. Remember,
change takes time. Try to focus on the improvements you’ve seen up to this
point. It would be tough for us to say which educational placement would be
most appropriate for your son. It may be helpful to talk with his teachers or
members of his treatment team about this. People who know your son and are more
familiar with his particular learning style would be in a much better position
to offer you feedback on this. We appreciate you writing in and sharing your
story. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
@charles
I am so sorry you are facing these challenges with your
young son. It can be so difficult when it seems as though you’re not able to
find your child or family the help they need. I’m sorry your insurance isn’t
willing to pay for more help. You might consider contacting the 211 Helpline
for information on other services and supports that may be available to work
with your family, such as support groups, counselors, and other community
outreach programs. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling
1-800-273-6222. You can also visit them online at http://www.211.org/.
Many communities offer low cost or no cost help and support for families in
need. I encourage you to reach out to see what types of services and supports
are available. We appreciate you writing in and wish you the best of luck
moving forward. Take care.
michelle bejarano
I hear you. Parenting a toddler can be quite frustrating.
It’s not unusual to have to repeat yourself over and over again, to the point
where you might sound
like a broken record. It may be helpful to know that it’s not unusual to see
this type of defiance in a child your son’s age. He’s at stage where he’s
trying to figure out where his limits and boundaries are, so, he pushes back
against the ones you set to see how firm they are. The most important thing you
can do is to remain as firm and consistent as possible when he is doing things
he’s not supposed to be doing. James Lehman gives some tips for how to do this
in his article No Means No: 7 Tips to Teach Your Child to Accept ‘No’ for an Answer. We
appreciate you writing in. Be sure to check back if you have any further
questions. Take care.
@guest22
You still can set your boundaries.
Use the privileges you give to him. Only use the privileges
you can take away like, for example, Wi-fi, cell phone, tv. Neither parents nor
kids do not even realize, how much privileges our kids have. We have a Home
Plan with rules and consequences. My son knows what exactly he is going to lose
if he breaks the rule. It is not easy to follow the plan for both sides. But I
realized that it is easier to have a plan written down , than have nothing and
your kid has no idea what to expect from you next time. It takes a while for
plan to start working and there are still times when nothing works. At the beginning,
when we just started using Home Plan, I was warning my son every time before I was
taking away his privileges. It was a mistake. Now I do not . I just do it. He
still get mad, but as I said before, it is better than without any plan.
Mother's Day Without Mother, A Holiday of Loss
.
For hundreds of thousands of mothers May 10th will pass
like so many of their other days without their children. It
can happen if a child is programmed to hate by a favored
parent seeking sole custody, and frequently during a time
of separation and divorce. Weaponizing a child to hate or
reject a parent for unjustified reasons is called – Parental
Alienation. The most severe stage of this alienation now
has a diagnostic term – Parental Alienation Syndrome or
PAS. The American Psychiatric Association, uses a DSM-
5 V-code diagnosis to correlate to this condition. The cod-
ified diagnosis is Child Psychological Abuse.
.
There are polarizing opinions between mental health and
legal professionals about the validity of PAS, but nobody
disputes alienating behaviour is a form of child abuse; in
fact many examples of alienating behaviours are discuss-
ed in court orders in Final Judgments for divorce and in a
number of divorce education programs.
.
Unfortunately, child protective service ( CPS ) workers do
not yet have the training to identify parental alienation or,
Child Psychological Abuse ( 995.51 (T7 4.32XA) so what
happens in these cases is decided in family law courts and
many mothers are losing custody because their cases have
not been effectively litigated by lawyers and mental health
professionals who are unqualified in the services that they
provide to their clients. One of the major reasons for this
is a lack of continuing education in the form of workshops
and conferences offering CLE's for lawyers and CEU's for
mental health professionals.
.
Mother's Day will be a memorial of loss for so many moth-
ers struggling to protect their children from child abusing
dads, fathers using a form of mind control to seize physical
custody, but it is important to state, that an equal or slightly
larger percentage of fathers, are also suffering the loss of a
paternal relationship for the same reason. Perhaps it is even
more painful for mothers to admit their loss because moms
are thought of as the traditional caregivers and to lose such
a relationship leads many to wrongly conclude it must have
been for a good reason. Sadly, so many suffer in silence, so
on this day I encourage them to speak out and “ come out “
there is nothing to be ashamed of when you are a parent that
has been targeted with hate.
.
An organization that has worked tirelessly to bring attention
to parental alienation is the PAAO, and although April 25th
is Parental Alienation Awareness Day, I think that Mother's
Day and Father's Day should both be dates dedicated to a
mass public outpouring of support for alienated children and
for their parents and extended family members.
.
“ You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. “
John Lennon
.
For all the mother's that have lost a relationship or now feel
the struggle to hold onto their relationships with their child-
ren, try to remember that no matter whoever may be around
you unconvinced or doubting you as a mother, it's really not
your fault. Parental Alienation is the invention of a personal-
ity disordered individual and what comes around -also goes
around. I know from social science research and from all the
work I do as a consultant in these cases and in education that
even the most hopelessly lost relationships can or, will come
back ... if you don't give up hope.
.
My Mother's Day message to targeted moms is a reminder
that you may not be with your child today but you're still a
great mother and don't you forget it.
.
By Joseph Goldberg
Odinseye5555
Thank you so much for writing in,
and sharing your struggles with your son. It sounds like you have done a
lot to try to help your son, and he continues to act in violent and aggressive
ways. At this point, it may be more useful to focus on taking care of
yourself, andMore keeping yourself safe if your son decides to focus his aggression
on you. Sometimes, working with a neutral third-party in your local
community, such as a counselor or your local crisis line, can be useful in
developing a plan for how you can effectively respond to such behavior in the
future. For information about resources in your area, try contacting the
211 Helpline at 1-800-273-6222 or visit http://www.211.org I’m sorry to hear about everything you
and your family have experienced, and I wish you all the best as you continue
to move forward. Take care.