If you are the target of parental abuse, you’re probably living in fear every day of what your teen will do next, always waiting for what will set off a volcanic eruption.
Parental abuse occurs when a child — usually a teenager but sometimes a pre-teen — engages in behavior that is abusive toward a parent.
It may be a one-time incident or it may escalate in frequency, even to the point of a daily occurrence.
It can range from verbal abuse (for example, swearing at or threatening a parent) to intimidation to outright physical assault.
And although parental abuse is often associated with explosive anger and rage, the abusive behavior may occur with no emotion: a quiet, deliberate act of harm used by a teen to maintain power over a parent.
Living in Fear
Parental abuse can leave a person feeling embarrassed, ashamed, angry, terrified, and unsure of what to do. These are feelings that we call “parent paralyzers,” feelings so intense that they overtake logic and reason and leave us questioning ourselves and trapped in uncertainty about what direction to take.
If you’re in this situation with your child, know that you are not alone and that you are not different in some way. We see abuse happen in every type of family—it doesn’t matter how much money you make or your background. This type of abuse could happen in any family.
Jennifer’s Story
Jennifer’s son began hitting her when he was 14 years old. “I just didn’t know what to do,” she told us. “If anyone else had hit me, I would have called the police. But this was my son!”
“I didn’t want him arrested but I wanted the abuse to stop. I was ashamed to admit to my family what was going on and I knew they would take action, even if I didn’t. The situation was intolerable but I couldn’t take action. I felt trapped, as if I was in a car without brakes.”
Is My Child’s Behavior Abusive?
If your child or teen is harming you physically, you are being abused. It’s that plain and simple.
One man raising his granddaughter admitted, “I knew her behavior was unacceptable; she would throw things whenever she got mad and one time she hit me in the chest with an ashtray. After that, she started throwing things with the intention of hitting me. I just never thought of it as abusive.”
No one wants to believe their child could be abusive. Emotion can “muddy the waters,” make us question whether or not things are as “bad” as our gut tells us they are.
Ask yourself: if your child was anyone else — a neighbor, a co-worker — would you consider his or her actions to be assault or abusive? This will help you take the emotion out of evaluating a situation.
Warning Signs of Parental Abuse
Sometimes a situation escalates without us even realizing it. The following are some potential warning signs that a child’s behavior is bordering on abusive:
1. Feeling Intimidated
It’s normal to feel your child is pushing boundaries to get what he wants. Kids will ask over and over for something they want, until a parent can finally snap, “I told you no!”
What’s not typical is to feel that if you don’t give your child what she wants, she will retaliate in a way that is harmful to you. Intimidation is a way of frightening someone else into doing something. It may be the words, the tone of voice, or even just a look.
2. Extreme Defiance
Yes, kids can be defiant, even your typical child. But when it reaches a point that your child has no respect for your authority as a parent, outright defying the rules of your home with no fear or concern of consequences, it’s a potential sign of escalation. Many kids can be defiant without violence; however, extreme oppositional behavior can be part of a more serious picture.
3. An Escalating Pattern of Violence
Kids get angry, slam doors, throw things in a fit on the floor in their room. You can probably remember a time when you were growing up that you got mad and smashed something. But you learned that this behavior didn’t get you what you wanted and – in fact – may result in you having to re-buy things you valued.
But when a child or teen’s behavior continues to escalate to the point of destroying property, punching walls, shoving, hitting things near you, throwing things that “almost” hit you, making verbal threats, or violating your personal boundaries (“getting in your space”), this is a pattern that may indicate abusive behavior.
Why Is My Teen Abusive?
When a child or teen turns abusive, it’s natural to ask “Why?” Many parents feel guilty, blaming themselves for their teen’s behavior: “If I was a better parent, my child wouldn’t be acting this way.”
The truth is, there can be several underlying factors contributing to parental abuse including poor boundaries, substance abuse (by either a parent or child), poor coping skills, underlying psychological conditions (such as ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Conduct Disorder) and learned behavior. Some kids behave violently due to poor coping skills. Others are more deliberate and enjoy the power that comes from intimidating a parent.
Remember: we can try to understand what’s going on in any situation, but there is no excuse or rationale for abusive behavior.
Responding to Parental Abuse
Aggressive and abusive behavior is not a part of typical childhood or adolescence. It’s not a stage that your teen will “grow out of” if you ignore it. If you’re dealing with parental abuse in your home, your child is violating the rights of others. It doesn’t matter that it’s his parent’s rights; that doesn’t make it any less serious or illegal. Your home is the place where your child will learn how to interact in the world. He is learning what’s acceptable — and what’s not. He’s learning about consequences for behavior and accountability.
One of the hardest tasks a parent can be faced with is responding to their own child’s aggression or abuse. It’s natural to feel torn. On one hand, it’s instinctual to protect your child. On the other hand, nothing can push a parent’s buttons of anger, disappointment, and hurt like a child’s abusive behavior. Some days you may feel emotionally stronger than others. Only you can decide what you’re able to follow through with at any given time. Here are some suggestions:
1. Clearly Communicate Boundaries
Make sure your child understands your physical and emotional boundaries. You may need to clearly state:
“It’s not okay to yell or push or hit me.”
If you’ve said this to your child in the past, but allowed her to cross those boundaries in the past without consequence, she’s gotten mixed messages. Your words have told her one set of boundaries but your actions (by accepting being yelled at or hit) have communicated another set of boundaries.
Make sure your non-verbal communication (what you do) matches your verbal communication (what you say).
2. Clearly Communicate Consequences For Abusive Behavior
Tell your teen:
“If you hit me, throw something at me, or otherwise hurt me physically, that’s called domestic violence and assault. Even though I love you, I will call the police and you will be held accountable for your behavior.”
Then – again – make sure your actions match your words. If you don’t think you can follow through with contacting the police – don’t say you will. This will only reinforce to your child that you make “threats” that won’t be carried out.
You may choose to provide other consequences, other than legal, that you enforce. If a friend physically assaulted you, would you let her borrow your car or give her spending money the next day? Probably not.
3. Contact the Authorities
We don’t say this lightly or without understanding how difficult this can be for a parent. Some parents are outraged at a teen’s abusive behavior and react: “I’ve got no problem calling the cops on my kid if he ever raises a hand to me!” Other parents struggle, worrying about the long term consequences of contacting the police or unable to handle the thought of their child facing charges.
Remember, if your teen is behaving violently toward you now, there is the risk that this will generalize to his future relationships with a spouse, his own children, or other members of society. You are not doing him a favor by allowing him to engage in this behavior without consequence.
Related content: When to Call the Police on Your Child
4. Get Support
Parental abuse is a form of domestic violence. It’s a serious issue and needs immediate attention and intervention. Domestic violence has traditionally been characterized by silence. As hard as it is, break that silence. Get support from family or friends – anyone you think will be supportive.
If your natural supports tend to judge you and you’re afraid it will only make the situation worse, contact a local domestic violence hotline, counselor, or support group. For support and resources in your community, you can also call 2-1-1 or visit 211.org, a free and confidential service through the United Way.
The road to a healthier relationship with your child will very likely take time. There’s no shortcut or quick fix. It starts with an acknowledgment of the issue and accountability. If you’re facing this issue in your family, we wish you strength and empowerment.
Related content:
Police Intervention Worksheet for Parents of Defiant Youth
When Kids Get Violent: “There’s No Excuse for Abuse”
Is Your Defiant Child Damaging or Destroying Your Home?
About Kim Abraham, LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW
Kimberly Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner are the co-creators of The ODD Lifeline® for parents of Oppositional, Defiant kids, and Life Over the Influence™, a program that helps families struggling with substance abuse issues (both programs are included in The Total Transformation® Online Package). Kimberly Abraham, LMSW, has worked with children and families for more than 25 years. She specializes in working with teens with behavioral disorders, and has also raised a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW, is the mother of four and has been a therapist for 15 years. She works with children and families and has in-depth training in the area of substance abuse. Kim and Marney are also the co-creators of their first children's book, Daisy: The True Story of an Amazing 3-Legged Chinchilla, which teaches the value of embracing differences and was the winner of the 2014 National Indie Excellence Children's Storybook Cover Design Award.
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Thank you for reaching out. I can understand your distress. We have had many parents of children with Spectrum Disorders use the tools and techniques of our programs with much success. We do recommend working closely with your child's treatment team when determining which tool to use. We are not experts on Spectrum Disorders and we don't know your child. So, we would not be able to make any specific recommendations.
We wish you all the best of luck moving forward. Take care.
Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. We're not able to refer to any type of residential or mental health facility. There is a resource you could try to see if they would have the information you're looking for. The 211 National Helpline is a referral service available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services available in your area such as counselors, therapists, support groups/kinship services as well as various other resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging onto 211.org (211.ca in Canada.)
We wish you and your family all the best moving forward. Take care.
My heart breaks for the families dealing with violent children. What I don’t understand is why the recommendation isn’t for residential or day treatment programs. When folks are a risk to themselves or others they are not to be in the community. I’m curious why these programs aren’t being recommended.
Hoping the parents, step parents and grandparents stay safe and get some help. This is so upsetting to read about.
That's a great question. We do recommend contacting the police prior to calling during a crisis to see of they are able to help. Kim Abraham and Marney Studaker Cordner developed a police intervention worksheet for parents to use. A link to download the PDF can be found in this article: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-talk-to-police-when-your-child-is-physically-abusive/. If calling the police doesn't work, it may be helpful to contact your local crisis response services. They often have people specially trained to diffuse domestic violence situations and can also refer you to support services in your area. If you're in the US or Canada, the 211 Helpline can give you information for crisis response in your area. You can reach the 211 National Helpline by calling 2-1-1 or going online to 211.org (211.ca in Canada).
We appreciate you reaching out. Take care.
Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. I can hear how distressing your daughter's behavior is. We have several articles that offer tips and techniques for managing aggression and destructive behavior. You can find those here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/child-behavior-problems/aggression/ It can be helpful to understand that the behavior you are seeing is a reflection of your daughter's poor coping and problem solving skills. When she gets upset or frustrated, she lashes out because she doesn't have the problem solving skills for managing her negative feelings another, more appropriate way. It will be important to hold her accountable by having her replace anything she breaks that belongs to other people. It's also going to be important to help her develop the coping skills she will need to manage her frustration more appropriately, as Sarah Bean explains in this article: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/.
It may be helpful to pack away things that can't be replaced until she learns how to better manage her frustrations and anger. We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community and wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.
My teenage son is abusing me AND his siblings. I've called the police, who did absolutely nothing. The law acts as if we have to be abused just because a minor is the one doing the abusing. My son obviously has some sort of mental problems, but I'm scared for my other children's future because of the one kid. He has the power to tear our family apart, and he knows it.
He's controlling, abusive, and making the entire family's homelife hell. There really need to be laws added so that abusive adolescents have consequences. His brothers are going to have childhood trauma from having an abusive sibling! And nothing can be done besides residential programs that cost far too much and hardly help.
I need help! We can't live this way any more!
Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. It sounds like you and your family are under a lot of stress from your son's behaviors. I am so sorry you did not get the support you were hoping for when you contacted the police. It may be helpful to see if there is a crisis response service in your area. They would most likely be better equipped to help you during these times. If you are in the US or Canada, you can contact the the 211 National Helpline is a referral service available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services available in your area such as counselors, therapists, support groups/kinship services as well as various other resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging onto 211.org (211.ca).
We wish you and your family all the best moving forward. Take care.
Our daughter is 5 and she's being phisically hostile with us on a daily basis, when she's not receiving what she wants or when she thinks that we made a mistake towards her.
I didnt hear about any child being abusive towards his parents at such a young age. How can I convince her that this ia wrong?
Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. We have had many parents of children with Spectrum Disorders use the tools and techniques found in our programs and articles with much success. We do recommend working closely with your child's treatment team when determining which tool to use. We are not experts on Spectrum Disorders and we don't know your child. So, we would not be able to make any specific recommendations.
We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Take care.
My 14 yr old daughter is very violent. She throws things slams doors ,destroyed items,walls hits me . She hit me in my spine and now I have fracture probably but scared to go to doctor as she threatened me if I call police. She threw the phone in the yard as I was calling 911. I can't take her to the doctor either.
I have sometimes retailiated and shown some physical force too so I am.scared I will get in trouble as I am the adult so I am stuck with suffering like this .there is no way out .
Are there any options?
Hi Guys
Reading all your comments is really heart breaking
Me my wife have a 18 year old son and two younger children
The 18 year old is very very violent I work away and seems to think it’s ok to physically and emotionally abuse my wife especially while I work away police have been called plenty of times he’s thrown me through a wall bruised my wife am I thinking straight is it time to to put a DV order in place we don’t want a broken family but definitely want my wife living in hell and fear
Thank you for a detailed and insightful post. It's rare that we hear about parental abuse, but it definitely exists.
One thing that has really helped us is learning about pathological demand avoidance, which particularly seems to affect a subset of kids and teens with autism. Learning about PDA and how to manage it has made a difference to the level of parental abuse happening in our home (and especially abuse at school).
Thanks again.
I can understand your distress. The transition from minor to adult can be a rough one, for both the parent and the child. We have several articles that focus on adult children living at home you may find helpful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/ages-and-stages/adult-children/.
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. Take care.
My 17 yr old son used to be very abusive toward myself and husband. It’s gonna much better since the summer, but still doesn’t listen and
switches his flip over the slightest things. I am frightened it’s going to happen again, but i know if i call the police there isn’t much they can do unless someone’s badly injured. But I always take pictures of bruises on face, arms. As well as video. Do you think they would hold him for that?
Hi, Haley. The best way to answer that question is to talk with the police directly. You can call them on their business/non-emergency line and speak with someone about how they would respond to the behavior and/or photos.
WE appreciate you reaching out and being part of our Empowering Parents community. Take care.
Hello mumjka,
It hurts my soul. I'm sorry you are experiencing something so dreadful. My 13 year old son has put me in a choke hold and has chased me through the house to hit me. I never thought it could happen to me. I hope you are able to cope. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much,I have gotten your newsletter for a while,and find it helpful,the articles I read from you Tonite
Helped me know that I am not alone.I can't wait to order your program.thank you!
Dear Sir
I am a senior citizen and a father of 4 sons and a daughter. Mentally I am shattered with the
behavior of my 25 years old daughter. In the past she hit me 2 times and drop me down on the
living room floor. As a father, I put up with this insult, but now she is getting more abusive vebally
& physically. I am a heart patient & with such behavior, it is putting more mental stress and pressure
on my health and safety. Please help. God bless you.
As a single mum of a 17 yr old teen boy I have tried I think everything. This is the first time I've sought help on the net from others in similar situations. I do feel very isolated and live in fear and think it may be good to hear and talk to others in the same horrible situation.
I have had my son arrested twice for assaulting me the first when he was 11 yrs. He went through the system did all that was required and was spat out the other end without follow up. This is on both occasions and still I am calling the police when he smashes things or gets physical with me or his sister.
The physiological assessment outcome suggested he see a physiologist . But then I had to battle with 9 mths with Cyfs for him. to actually start sessions. He attended most for approx 5 mths. He seemed to get better then that finished file closed .
Now he is under Mentel health for attempting suicide in Feb 17.
I'm trying to get a report from the physiologist he engaged with but am told Cyfs didn't require one so no report was done for my son. Who knows what the sessions he attended involved were there any recommendations was there a diagnosis . Absolutely hopeless and still I live with my son who does not attend school course or work and abuses me when he carnt get his way. I should also add is addicted to the internet to the point steals my credit / Visa cards to pay for the internet without my authority.
I see his nasty behaviour coming out now on his girlfriend . In a few years time I see him in jail., because I believe we didn't get the right support right back when he was 11.
I do hope this is not the future I see for him but I out of options.
My 12 year old daughter is hitting and kicking me.
She does this when she doesn't get her own way and thinks that she can do what she wants when she wants
I am not the same person and I feel bitter and jealous of people with healthy children that are good to them. I'm
Tired of crying and ashamed I have a monster for a son that likes trouble and drugs and drama.
I have an 18yr old that assaulted me aug 2015 it was the worst day of my life. I was in soo much pain. He punched me soo many times I had left ear internal bleeding face and head trauma my son also choked me I don't know how I survived. I suffer from ptsd my sister was Called she took him for the night but did not tell police. I went to hospital the nurse was upset because I wouldn't tell who hurt me and refused service as I sat there betrayed, hurt and soulless. I couldn't think straight and kept thinking of the consequences for him! I feel soo stupid! I regret every day that I didn't tell. The abuse didn't stop it wasn't the same but still frightening and lots of bullying! His dad was called and didn't pick him up told me to get him arrested them would pick him up. Who does that? This man left us homeless abandoned without any support so why would my son worship this monster over all we went through. His father and I had a horrible relationship full of Disrepect and pain. I teatified against him anabolic gen lost his job. He tells my son gen could never help him because of this but has gotten married twice and bought homes and pays child support to kids after my son. Why did my son do this to me knowing I'm
The only one that has supported him and continues to do so? I went to a therapist who said my house my rules. I'm like what is this? I am now going to see a new therapist this Wednesday. I regret not having my son arrested as a minor I live in fear of his bad days and when things don't go his way. I have holes in my wall Nd have called police to who said unless he hurts me agin there's nothing they can do and to just close my door and scream and call 911. I pray the laws change to help these kids with coping skills and anger management with another option besides jail. It's not fair and I suffer from depression I've Gained soo much weight with Xanax. I want my son away from me and my life. I wish him well but wish him away from me And my life. He choked me and punched me till I couldn't take it. I have soo many regrets and I feel there should be advocates in hostial for this. To process ans maybe I would've felt comfortable nit ashamed to tell. I wish this on no one ever. God please help me my health can't take it anymore my heart literally hurts and life's is painful to deal with. Why don't they just leave and not leave us alone if they're soo miserable! I pray my new therapist can help me I'm looking but forward to Wednesday wish me luck
I have a 16 year old that gets physical with me, yells, curses at me, calls me names, throwsthings, punches walls, steals, runs away and the police don't help. He now sees a psychiatrist and takes antipsychotics (the max does of abilify) but it does nothing at all.
The doctor says I can have him arrested for being a runaway and then leave him in a detention center and just tell the courts that I'm giving up my parental rights. It's easier said than done because the cops won't do anything but a report. My son is not afraid of anything he simply does not care. I PRAY AND PRAY BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!
Hopeless in Houston
Hi All! .... I feel so very ashamed! I have a 14 year old daughter who I love unconditionally, but she has been hitting me now on a regular basis with the encouragement of her father! Her father has been abusive towards me in the past both psychically and mentally and although I am in the process in (hopefully) buying him out of the house/mortgage, he still resides with us and on a daily basis he 'goads' me into creating arguments between him and me. I try so very hard to ignore him, but as he follows me from room to room to create rows......he then shouts upstairs for our daughter to come and join him and invites her to hit me as he tells her that I am the cause of all the 'upset' in our family!
I am the 'breadwinner' of the household and he refuses to work, pay or contribute to any bills etc. He does pay in 270 every month on direct debit through his pension, but he takes that out along with his debts that I am paying off for him every month!
My daughter has totally no respect for me as a person nor as a mother which upsets me no end! I have no family, but my husband comes from a large family and they also play a large part in my daughter's life and I have no doubt in my mind that they have been encouraging my daughter to act against me as my husband has often taunted me in saying that 'he tells them everything about me and they all hate me'
My husband and his mother did not want me to carry on with my pregnancy with my daughter and they both tried me to have an abortion - I had been married one and a half years to him at that time.
I cannot help feeling responsible for my daughter's attitude towards me and even though I have asked for my husband's help to ensure that we both bring up our daughter in a safe and secure environment, he always agrees and then jumps at every opportunity to ensure that I am the 'bad guy'.
I am working every hour I can to ensure that all the bills are paid and food is on the table..... I am consistently tired and when I go to work on the days that my daughter is not at school, I leave the house with my husband's words saying to me that this is the day that he will turn our daughter against me forever and that she will choose him to live with and not me and that it will be me who has to move out with a plastic bag and nothing else....plus it will be me who will continue to pay for everything especially for our daughter as he will be signing on 'the sick'.
I have tried talking to our daughter, but she is a very angry and confused young girl. I also feel very tempted to say personal stuff to her about her father, but I resist as I feel that it is not fair! Although I do know that he says everything about me to her!
I need to be empowered, but at the moment my husband is preventing me to be that parent!
I am just wishing for that day when I can buy him out and get our/my life back on track!
Thank you for listening and any help/advice you have would be gratefully appreciated!
I'm a disabled, widowed, still unfortunately single for over 10 yrs now because I'm to embarrassed to even attempt to bring someone into this nightmare let alone expect them to want to stay. I have 2 children, one who will be 18 in just 2 months. Funny she constantly screams at me saying she can't wait to leave but fact is she has Noo financial responsibility capabilities. Although she does have a job and for a young teen she makes damn good money but spends it all on partying. I DO NOT CONDONE THIS BEHAVIOR! HOWEVER ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS HAVE COME HOME TO FIND MY HOME REEKING OF WEED. THAAATS WHEN I LOSE MY MIND AND THROW HER AND ALLL HER FRIENDS OUT OF HERE. I have tried and tried to talk to her but it's pretty hard to get threw to her when her own father not only smokes with her (we never married) but uses her to help him sell it. And I THINK it might be happening right here in my own home but I haven't any proof. Did I mention she didn't graduate and is now enrolled in online schooling which takes extreme dedication on her behalf. And because my husband passed away we receive SSS benefits which at This point we really need in order to survive. However I just received notice that because she wooon't dedicate the bare minimum time needed to be considered a full-time student and of corse graduate we will lose her portion of benefits resulting in us all losing our home. Worst part about ALL of this is she just simply doesn't care about me o r her little brother, or more important her future.
This leads me to my son who I recently had in counseling due to his abusive behavior but had no effect. He's fully aware of the chronic pain I suffer from on a daily basis. Just this a.m. his sister needed a ride to work and next to her work is a coffee shop. We're standing there placing our order when he asked would I buy him a $5 muffin. I answered No because I had already told him to wait in the car but he didn't listen so why reward him right. That's when he started his abusive behavior. First it was the look (a look he gives when he's about to embarrass me in public by disobeying evvvery request) then a secret very hard pinch on the back of my arm. When I said ouch! He looked at me so innocently and said "what's wrong mom? Are you ok!" As to look/act like a concerned loving son in front of the cashier. Next he asked "will you buy me 1 now? & I again said NO. That's when he stepped on my pinky toe on purpose and smiled a sadistic little grin. He then proceeded to lean all 197lbs of weight on my side which he KNOWS kills my back. By now both cashiers knew something was going on and they knew it was his doings. So I looked at him and told him quietly "you just wait" the next 5 mins was pure anxiety. He had to touch evvvery thing he could (mind you this is Biggby's coffe shop, an upscale kinda place) & it was all done to annoy me. I can honestly say he enjoys annoying people, not just me, evvveryone! He likes to push people's buttons to the point of crying and he gets pleasure out of it. All my friends and family agree. Like i had mentioned, I tried therapy and he just doesn't care. He absolutely refuses to go outside and play with other kids. He does have ONE best friend Dylan who's a very pleasant boy. He does well at school W/O trying and IF he applied himself could be a straight A student. But whenever he has homework....my Good God that's a WHOOOLE different story and war in itself. I am sooo lonely, embarassed, and hopeless at this point. I have no way of getting me time because my parents are fed up with his abusive behavior that they won't watch him for me. My 17 yr old, even if she was a good influence on him feels the same way, and his late father's side....we'll since he committed suicide they needed a scape goat and I'm it so we have no contact with them. Some may read this and right away think that his father's absence is the cause. I disagree, he wants MEEEE AND ONNNLY ME AND ALL THE TIME. EVERY SECOND OF EVERYDAY. HE'S CLUELESS TO HIS SISTER'S DOINGS BECAUSE I'M THE ONE WHO COMES IN THE DOOR FIRST TO MAKE SURE HE'S NOT GOING TO SEE OR SENSE ANYTHING HE SHOULDN'T. I GIVE HIM ALL MY ATTENTION BECAUSE I'M ALL HE REALLY HAS. BUT SOMETHING'S NOOT NORMAL HERE!!!! THE THERAPY CENTER WE WENT TO HE HAD TO SEE A COUNSELOR ANNND A psychiatrist. After a whole month of counseling twice a week 1 hour sessions he finally seeing the psychiatrist with me and the psychiatrist had the audacity to ask me if I thought my son needed to be medicated? My response was " I'm not a doctor and if my son doesn't need to be on medication then I don't want him on medication" The psychiatrist response was fair enough and he gave me a piece of paper with a book title written on it. I read it I've done everything in it already period long before we ever went to counseling. And we only see the psychiatrist once every month month-and-a-half and to find out that everything that my son and his counselor talk about is NOT related to the psychiatrist makes absolutely no sense to me. With our insurance it is the only place I can take him. Anybody that I know who has gone there or know somebody who has gone there says they simply don't care and they don't! I'm at whits end and don't know what to do! ! But none of us are happy. And I can NOT continue on this way. And I must add that our local authorities, although I am grateful for their duty, they despise my whole family because my brother was a trouble maker in his younger years and was just released from prison. So I feel going to the authorities isn't going to do me my son or my family any good at all in fact I feel it would only make things much worse. I do however feel that a week in boot camp might straighten him up I just don't know how to go about getting him into one?
Sonja gurl
I’m so sorry to hear about the threatening actions and statements
you are experiencing with your son right now, and I can only imagine how
frightened you must be for yourself and your daughter.As pointed out the in article above, I
strongly encourage you to work with local resources to develop a plan to keep everyone
safe.If you are not currently working
with anyone, try calling the http://www.211.org/ at
1-800-273-6222.211 is a service which
connects people with supports in their community, such as therapists, support
groups, and crisis response services.In
addition, I also recommend calling the http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to develop a plan for how you can respond
if you believe your son might attempt to harm or kill himself. I recognize how scary this must be for you and
your family, and I wish you all the best as you continue to move forward.Take care.
Mom of2
I can hear how concerned you are about your daughter, and I’m glad that you
are reaching out for support, both here and in your community.I encourage you to continue working with her
doctor and others to rule out any underlying issues which might be contributing
to your daughter’s violent outbursts and defiance at home and elsewhere.In the meantime, I also encourage you to work
with your daughter to develop more appropriate skills, as outlined in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stop-aggressive-behavior-in-kids-and-tweens-is-your-child-screaming-pushing-and-hitting/I also recommend limiting
the amount of time your daughter is spending unsupervised with your baby until
she improves her self-control.I
recognize how challenging this must be for you right now, and I wish you and
your family all the best moving forward.Take care.
I live with a woman who has a 16 year old daughter who is a complete mess and mental breakdown. She has a brother that lives with her father. The father alienated the boy from the entire family and she left to live with us. She is very welcomed and loved even though she hates us. Her father has not called her in more that two years and her brother will not speak with her either. They will claim it is because of her mom and thus she takes it out on her mom. While her mom is not a saint, she would absolutely die for both of her kids. The daughter has been through many rounds of therapy and has been diagnosed as depressed. She will not take her meds even though she says she notices the benefits of it. She has not come home multiple times and has been arrested for drugs/taking a car/curfew. We have given her every opportunity to make a good life and she continues to crash. She will not go into therapy with us anymore. All we have ever asked is decent (not even honor roll) grades, be respectful and clean up after herself. That is too much for her. I could go on and on.
At the end of the day, she is now completely defiant. Leaves when grounded. Doing drugs and more than we probably know now. And what grades she was getting, are falling. She tells us she is leaving on her 17th birthday and how can mom stand to live with herself when both her kids hate her.
Welcome to my world. A daughter verbally and now physically abusing her mom in front of me. I have to watch how I get involved so I don't get arrested. The local police know us very well and have been great. They see what she is doing and sympathize with us but they can't do anything unless there is a serious injury or a legit law is broken.
Today I will be calling the local united way for some help but I sure wish there was something that can be done before she completely ruins her life. Oh yeah, and then blames it on us.
@BLONDELEXUS
I am so sorry to hear about your daughter’s illness, as well
as the abusive way she is treating you. The truth is, there is no excuse
for abuse, and your daughter’s mental illness and health problems do not make
the way she is treating you acceptable. I recognize your concern that her
physical condition might worsen if she is not staying with you, and ultimately,
the choice of allowing her to continue to stay in your home is one that only
you can make. It might be helpful to look into local supports that might
be available to you, such as nursing services, hospice care, caregiver respite,
and support groups, to help you during this time. For assistance locating
these and other services in your community, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222. I can only
imagine how difficult this must be for you, and I wish you all the best moving
forward. Take care.
I feel like I'm at breaking point with my 17 year old son. I've had behaviour problems with him since his dad abandoned him just over 2 yrs ago may I add tho that he's not his biological father, but he's raised my son since birth. My son has only known him as a father figure for all of his life.
Last June I had my son arrested as he assaulted me.
I've had the police here a couple time's because my neighbours rang them when my son was kicking off, as he makes a lot of noise.
He has punched holes in my doors. He has thrown plates & glasses & other stuff.
Not that long ago he threw a full jug of juice at me which luckily didn't hit me.
He calls me alsorts of name's & he sometimes traps me in rooms so I can't get out.
Recently he took my purse & threatened to snap my bank card in half if I didn't take him into town. And recently he took my laptop & hid it because I wouldn't do something for him.
The names he calls me is what hurts the most. He's constantly calling me a let down & telling me that I'm useless!
I feel like I'm walking on egg shells all the time & that I'm waiting for when he's going to kick off next. I feel so alone & I'm feeling so sad.
I just want my son back
I've said to him he needs to come to the doctors with me to address his anger issues but he won't go. It's difficult as I can't physically make him go.
It's got to the point now that evey day he treats me bad & i can't even talk to him without him being horrible to me.
Juvie time ...I told her next time she runs out bc I consequenced her for hitting stealing cursing breaking destroys things
And police bring her home ....she tells police that I can't tell her what to do.....that I have no right to ground or take my phone from her.....but she keeps doing it ......I actually told them to take her
Have they .....nooooo
Amazing .....she has all at her dads he gives her all she wants .....amazing
I will keep tryin ....tough love
Our children are children
My 12 yo abuses me daily now
Her dad left 7 yrs ago making us sell our home and he is bipolar/manic
I consequence her she runs out house calls her dad and she wins....he buys her what she wants and lets her decide fun galore l
He counterparents.....police have brought her home numerous times she tells them all that I her mom have no right to take phone or consequence her....admits to police her dad does not ....
Amazing narcissistic manic
True abuse by him and her together to me
He has criminal charges still not addressed
Oh yeah and never has court discussed visitation health insurance. ...never have they discussed my daughter. ....she was 5 ......now almost 13
He and she control me.....clandestinely picking up ...me looking for her .....dark....he wont answer.....its super hwrd on me
She breaks things has 3 bedrooms...
We gave 2 houses his renovated he took all cars I was wo car 7 months. .....I have $9 to my name
Funny how God Brought this man to me right after first killed himself and left me with 2 children......active alcoholic who also abused me as well...
I left my career
Put kids through private schools and college (2since college grads masters snd bachelor's suma cum lade)....
This man is NARCISSISTIC
He has her wrapped around his finger
She wont listen to her mom when her dad will just be panacea.
@Eric
It can be very difficult when you feel caught in the middle of a conflict
between your spouse and your child, and they are both behaving abusively toward
each other. I’m glad that you’re here, reaching out for support. I
strongly encourage you to start by instituting the rule that https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/when-kids-get-violent-theres-no-excuse-for-abuse/, and that goes for your wife as well as your son.
Although I hear your feelings of being torn between your wife and your son, I
remind you that if your wife is behaving violently toward your son, you do have
an obligation to protect him from harm. It’s also going to be important
to talk about what happened, and how they can each respond in the future
without becoming violent toward each other. Sometimes, it can be helpful
to involve a neutral, third-party in this conversation, such as a
marriage/family therapist. For assistance locating someone in your
community, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at
1-800-273-6222. Thank you for writing in, and I wish you and your family
all the best moving forward. Take care.
Vivian XV
Thank you for reaching out and sharing what is going on in
your family. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this from your
father. You have the right to feel safe, and suicide is not the
answer. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more
effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can give to
you in your situation. Another resource which might be more helpful is
the Boys Town National Hotline. You can call them 24/7 at 1-800-448-3000,
and be connected with a trained counselor who can talk with you about what is
going on in your family, as well as options for what you can do. They
also have options for talking with someone via email, live chat or text, if
that is more convenient for you. You can get more information on those
options by going to their website at http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/
In addition, if you are thinking of suicide or hurting yourself, I strongly
urge you to contact the http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ at 1-800-273-8255. You can call them
24/7, or you can find more information about live chat with a trained counselor
on their website. I hear how much pain you are in right now, and I
appreciate your reaching out for support. It can get better. I wish
you all the best as you continue to move forward. Take care.
Hello Emma.
My daughter is 19 now and I had to ask for a restraining order to get her out of my house. As sad as it is, it won't change. I been trough DHS involvement, 4 years of placement, family and individual therapy.
I got tired of living in fear. I love her and my grandson but I need to do what is best for me.
Gave many chances and things got worse.
The best way to deal is to press charges and let her learn.
Think if it was someone else, what would you do?
niges
Thank you for writing in and I am sorry to hear about the
behaviors you are seeing from your son. Because your son is an adult, the most
important thing for you to focus on is your own safety in your home. If your
son is living in the home, it might be time to serve him with eviction papers.
You may look into your local laws to find out what that entails, and enlist
community supports, if needed. You can also reach out for Domestic Violence
support and resources by contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline at
1-800-799-SAFE. I would also encourage you to call 9-1-1 if your son becomes
threatening, destructive, or violent, and allow the police to hold him
accountable. Your safety is the number one priority. I wish you the best of
luck dealing with this difficult situation.
@Me
Thank you for
writing in, and asking your question. You have the right to be safe, and
I’m glad that you are reaching out for support. One resource which you
might find helpful is Boys Town, which has counselors specially trained to help
kids, teens and young adults who are going through challenging
situations. You can call for free 24/7 by calling 1-800-448-3000. They
also have options to contact them via email, text, and live chat, which you can
read more about by visiting their website at
I can only imagine how difficult this situation must be for you, and I wish you
all the best as you continue to move forward. Take care.
My mom has called the police on my brother several times and each time they tell her it's her fault. They tell her if she would've gotten him therapy (which she tried to do but everyone has turned her away or he refused to go) or raised him better then he wouldn't be like this. They've told her that the only thing they can do is give him a ticket but she'd have to pay all of his legal fees and she can't afford that. They actually told her all of this!
She's also disabled so she's on section 8. She's about to move and doesn't want my brother coming with her. 5 days before her moving date, Her housing caseworker told her that if she wants to live in the place she worked so hard to find then he would have to live with her. She explained her situation and they told her "that's the rules."
He is making her disability harder to deal with by making her do everything for him or he raises hell and sometimes resorts to hitting her, pushing her, and then kicking her when she's on the ground. I've seen this first hand, and if it weren't for my kids and needing to get them in the car and leave so they don't see it or get involved (he's actually tried to involve my 2 year old daughter and then punched a wall in front of her. So we left immediately after I yelled at him louder than I've ever yelled), I'd confront him myself. But my kids need me to not be in jail and they don't need to see it and think that its OK to treat someone like that. It's gotten to the point where it seems like nobody wants to help. What is she supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? We feel so stuck and want this to stop but we feel like there's nothing we can do to fix this.
Well her mother’s story is literally mine to a “T” even down to the housing worker, so if you could Pleaseee answer the question for ME the parent that is being abused and traumatized by my 12 yr old twins? Or should I cut and paste it and resubmit it as my own and remove the mom part? Thank you, and both myself and poor Amazingoreo could maybe find some solice.
Jenn
Amazingoreo
We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and
sharing your story. I hear how concerned you are for your mother’s
well-being, and the lack of support she has in addressing your brother’s
behavior toward her. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become
more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can
give to those outside of a direct parenting role. It may be helpful to look
into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing your particular
issues. The 211 National Helpline is a referral service available 24 hours a
day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services
available in your area such as counselors, therapists, support groups, domestic
violence services as well as various other resources. You can reach the
Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging onto 211.org. We wish you the
best going forward. Take care.
Parents don't have rights. You call the police and pay for your own "victim fees" when they take your son away.
I love my son but he has been physically and emotionally abusive to me on and off for 8 years. He finally moved out on Mother's Day and my heart is breaking but a small part of me is also relieved.
Walking in eggshells
It sounds like you are in the middle of a very tough
situation. It’s normal to feel angry and resentful when you’re stuck in the
position of caregiver for your adult child. There may be programs in your area
that could help him develop skills to live independently. The 211 Helpline
would be able to give you information on these types of mental health services.
You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222. You can
also find them online at http://www.211.org/. You might
also consider looking into the steps you would need to take in order for your
son to move out, even if he won’t willingly move out on his own. In some areas
a parent needs to go through a formal eviction process in order to have their
adult child removed from the home. Your local clerk of courts would be able to
give you information on this. It also would be beneficial to have a safety plan
that you can implement when your son becomes abusive or violent. Calling the
police is one option. You could also contact your local crisis response for
help with this too. We appreciate you writing in and wish you the best of luck
moving forward. Take care.
I need help, I am in need of getting my physically abusive fifteen year old nephew out of my place of residence I have 4 younger children in the home that I need to protect and the only way to do so is to get him removed the situation only gets worse with each confrontation it's only a matter of time before someone gets seriously hurt. How can I get him removed. In need of answers
I can't and I won't live like this
christinamyers
Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents for help
with what sounds like a very challenging situation. I’m not sure what steps you
would need to take to have your nephew removed from your home. It may be
helpful to contact your state Department of Child Welfare office for
information. You could also contact the 211 Helpline to find out about kinship
services in your area. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling
1-800-273-6222 or by going online to http://www.211.org/.
Best of luck to you and your family moving forward. Take care.
I am a father of two boys, both of my sons have now moved out. My oldest boy was the abusive one. here is my story for those who can relate.
I am a military man, my wife and I love and showed our love to each other in front of both our kids, I never raised my voice or blamed my wife about anything. yes we did have some arguments from time to time, however, these arguments were never dealth with in front or our kids. As a military person, you are called out to duty or you move around the country a lot. my oldest son never showed any signs of agressivity until he reached the age of 13-14 years old. at that point he bluntly told us that he hated moving because everytime we moved he was losing his friends, which we understood. we tried to explain to him that he would make new friends. at first it did help a bit, as time past, the abuse escalated to phisical abuse towards my wife. by the time he was 16, we were at our wits end, and we had no choice but to call the authority. we were told that nothing could be done because of his age. so we continued to put up with it. my wife was so scared that she slept (with one eye open) with the bedroom door locked.
by the time he turned 17, we were so tired of this abusive nature, that we decided to send him to his grand parents for a while (2500miles away). this solved the fear and abuse issue, for a while anyway. after 3 months, and us talking to him over the phone, this abusive pattern had subsided and it was over with, or so we taught. He was happy and ready to come home and make a change. so we brough him home. in a matter of days, the abuse had not only restarted, but it had become increasingly more violent in nature than before he had left 3 months prior. We decided to make him see someone so he could speak about his problems, open up sort of speak. he never did. by the time he turned 18, it was hell at home, my marriage was on the brinks of breaking up. so we gave him two choices. He had to move out back to his grand parents, join the armed forces or simply move out. He decided to join the armed forces. it took 6 months for him to get the call. it was the longest 6 months of our lives, but when he finally left the nest, it was like a giant weight had lifted from our shoulder. during his boot camp, he wanted to quit and come home, thats when we told him that he could not come home if he quit. as hard as this may sound, we did not want him to come home. so he stayed and continued.
Today he is 25, still in the Armed Forces, still somewhat verbally abusive towards his mother, but the beauty of it is that we can hang up the phone if it starts. We have tried everything to to help him while he was at home. All of this to tell you that sometime, no matter how hard you try to save your kids or help them, there is nothing you can do to make them see how abusive they have become. we have seen him twice since he has moved out, and both times these visits were in a public area, this is the only way we can control his behavior.
fear and loathing
I am so sorry you are experiencing such abusive behavior
from your daughter. It’s unfortunate that calling the police doesn’t seem to be
a viable option. That is often an effective way of addressing this situation.
It may be helpful to speak with a crisis response counselor or someone else who
would be able to help you develop a safety plan you could implement when your
daughter starts to escalate. The 211 Helpline would be able to give you
information on crisis response services, either in your area or in a
surrounding town. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling
1-800-273-6222 or by visiting http://www.211.org/. Another
helpful resource for you might be the http://www.thehotline.org/. You can call 1-800-799-7233 to speak with
someone specially trained to help victims of domestic assault and violence.
They may be able to help you find a way through this tough situation. Good luck
to you moving forward. Take care.
small and weak
I can understand not wanting to see your son go to jail.
That’s a tough decision for any parent to have to make. Sometimes in these
situations it can help to look at it from a different perspective by asking
yourself what would you do if anyone other than your son was treating you this
way. If someone else were to physically assault you, you would most likely call
the police because assault is illegal. As James Lehman tells us, there is no
excuse for abuse, not even the fact that he is your son. If after looking at
the situation this way you’re still not able to call the police, it may be
helpful to contact your local crisis response to speak with someone about
developing a safety plan. The 211 Helpline would be able to give you
information on crisis response services, as well as other support services in
your area. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222
or by going online to 211.org. Good luck to you as you work through this very challenging
situation. Take care.
depressedsharon
I am sorry you are having to face such behavior from your
adult child. It may be helpful to contact your local police department to find out how they
may be able to help you when your daughter is being physically abusive towards
you. I know the idea of calling the police on your child can be distressing.
Remember, though, there’s no excuse for abuse. If calling the police isn’t
something you’re willing to do, then I encourage you to contact your local
crisis response the next time you find yourself in this situation. The 211
Helpline can give you information on crisis response services in your area. You
can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by visiting http://www.211.org/. Good luck to you moving forward. Take
care.
@Peter
I am so sorry to hear your niece is being abusive towards
her mother. Many parents in that situation find it difficult to ask for help. I
can understand your concern. Because we are a website aimed at helping people
who are in a direct parenting role develop more effective parenting strategies,
we are limited on the advice or coaching we are able to offer to those outside
that role. You may find it helpful to talk with a crisis counselor or other
family services professional. The 211 Helpline, a nationwide health and human
services referral service, would be able to give you information on resources
in your area. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling
1-800-273-6222 or by visiting them online at 211.org. We appreciate you
reaching out to Empowering Parents for help in this tough situation. Good luck
to you and your family moving forward. Take care.
@needhelp
I can hear how distressed
you are with your daughter’s behavior. It’s understandable, I think most
parents would feel the same way given your situation. One thing you might
consider doing is finding out if there is a program referred to as either CHINS
(Child In Need Of Services) or PINS (Person In Need Of Services). These
programs can offer parents some additional
support and oversight when nothing they are doing seems to be working. You usually have to petition the courts
for these programs. You could contact your local clerk of courts to find out if
these programs are available in your area. You might also contact the 211
Helpline, a nationwide referral service. They would be able to give you
information on community resources, such as counseling, support groups,
treatment programs, respite care, and other helpful programs. You can reach the
Helpline 24 hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222. You can also find them
online at http://www.211.org/. We appreciate you reaching
out to Empowering Parents for help with what seems like a very tough situation.
Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
Quoted from Guest on March 20,2014
"It does take time and patience I understand that, but when you have literately tried everything and it does not get any better what do you do then? What do you do when your child covers their ears and does not listen to you? What do you do when reasoning doesn't work? What do you do when consequences on bad behavior do not work?What happens when you set up a boundary with a good out come and once he gets what he worked for the next day goes right back into old ways? Taking it away yes done that. But what happens when nothing seems to work and it only happens in the mornings with you and no one else? How do you get your child to act like they do for you so other people can see it and realize it?"
But Here is my similar dilemma:
I have a 16-year-old son named Nate. He is my only child. I am facing the same issue EXCEPT I have told his father about our sons abuse when he isn't around and does nothing about it ALSO his father is emotional and mentally abusive to me as well. But I don't want to discuss him. My son was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder by a Certified Psychologist over a year ago. I finally put my foot down with my husband because he was he had been opposed to it for years but I had a gut feeling that something was not right. Anyway, we ended up paying big money for it. I then took the results to my psychiatrist who made an exception to take him on a patient even though she wasn't excepting anymore. I had been discussing my son's behavior with her for years and she is the one who initially told me that she thought he may have had Oppositional Disorder in the first place.
Well, I started taking him there. We also put him on ADHD meds as well because I had known that for years too, because of his inattention at school. We had only seen her for a few months when his father started filling his head with negative things about psychiatrists being full of bull and that the meds that he was taking weren't working anyway. So my son stopped taking them. My son also started refusing to go. Eventually, my husband demanded that I stop taking him as well since his visits "weren't working." Before his last visit she pulled me aside and strongly suggested that I take him to a Behaviour Health facility for Children. I called one. I Did an over the phone intake. I was denied the first time, but I didn't give up. I tried a few months later, did an intake, by now the physical violence by my son had escalated, and he was qualified. So I was out on the list. After a few more months, I finally got the call. They said that they had an opening. Unfortunately my husband was sitting right there and I went into the bedroom to take the call, she told me that they had an in patient opening where he would go for two weeks from 8am till 4pm, he would have to be medicated just to see if they would work. I told her yes! But to hold on a few minutes while I discussed it with my husband. I was so scared because although I knew I was making the best choice for my son, my husband would see differently. I stepped out of the bedroom and told him what was going on and he was FURIOUS! Not only was he furious about me calling them behind his back but because they told him they would have to medicate our son. I have no problems with medications as long as they work. As long as they calm him down. As long he can sit still and focus. Do you understand what I mean? Well, as you probably would have guessed I had to return to the phone and tell he "I apologize, but my husband says no." People who I tell this story to, tell me that I should have done it anyway and that I should have packed my son up in the car and took him regardless. I'd look at them like, "Ae you serious, and suffer the consequences of a husband I was already fearful,l et alone drag a 150-pound teenager into a car and force him to go someplace he didn't want to go!!"
Anyway he went on to act out and be disruptive in school every single day (but not as bad as most kids, they'd always tell me) but he'd be placed in detention every single day as well.The counselors and vice principles would call me in and tell me, "I don't understand why he doesn't understand the consequences of his behaviors, it's like he doesn't care." I'm sitting there thinking, DUH!!! My son has stabbed other students in the legs with lead pencils, ran so fast down the hall that he has knocked a small kid out so hard he had to see the nurse and vomit, my son has held a knife to my back because I had taken his cell phone or remote control for his video game, or locked the movie channels from off of his TV, whenever he has ither disrespected me or did something that needed to be reprimanded or accountable for. Yet I'm the bad guy in he and his father's eyes. I told his father about the pushing and shoving and the pinning down of my wrists and the holding a knife to my back (playfully or not) AND HE DIDNT BELIEVE ME or he'd pop his head in our sons room and say, Nate stop doing that to your mom." and he'd close the door.
In order to get him into a special LD program at school, they did their little LD district testing and told us there wasn't anything majorly wrong with him except maybe depression. Well, I'm the one who suffers every day. They have no idea what goes on here and they think they have it bad?
I told my husband that the next time our son lays hands on me I was going to call the police and he said that if I did that, then I might as well be prepare to pack my bags.
@JustaMom SaraLetterill That's not true.I have reported my son and they have done nothing