For many children, behavior problems are not universal; they’re targeted. Targeted at dad, at mom, at the stepmother, at the fiancé, at a sibling. The following two case studies reveal how normally charming and compliant children can become defiant or even abusive with one person in the family. James Lehman examines why this happens and what parents can do about it.
Case study #1: When Lisa remarried, she was confident that her three kids would grow to love David as much as she did. Her oldest daughter, Danielle (16), had never really warmed up to David, but she thought she’d come around. Danielle had always been a sweet and pretty resilient kid. Lisa was wrong. Within a few weeks after the wedding, Danielle’s behavior toward David became openly hostile. If he so much as tried to assert himself in a parenting role, Danielle would blow up. After one epic argument involving curfew, she stopped speaking to David altogether—and hasn’t uttered a word to him in the last two years. Danielle will speak to everyone in the family, except David, who remains the object of her unending wrath.
Case study #2: People who know Brian, Susan and their four children always tell them they look like “the perfect family” and compliment them on how polite their children are. But inside their home, they are far from perfect. Their 15-year-old son Jacob is a tyrant, particularly toward his mother and his youngest brother. He uses intimidating language with Susan and is physically abusive with six-year-old Tyler. “Jacob is all smiles when we’re in public,” says Susan. “But when we come home, he turns into this whole different kid.”
Kids recognize and deal with people in different ways almost from birth. As infants, they respond differently to their mother, a caregiver or a family friend. This continues into childhood and adolescence. They recognize the differences in adults, and those differences often fall into two categories. Which adults have power and which adults don’t have power? Which adults can you manipulate with bad behavior and which adults can you not manipulate? As kids grow up, they recognize which adults cannot follow through on consequences, which ones accept their excuses for inappropriate behavior and which ones buy them things to win their allegiance. They learn which adult is always making excuses for them and which one sets limits.
When a child targets one person when he acts out, it’s an indication that he has learned he can feel powerful at the expense of that person, whether it’s a parent, a stepparent or a sibling. On the surface, you won’t see the kid getting anything out of this targeted behavior. It’s not like he gets out of a consequence by calling his mother abusive names. He does it because he feels like a zero, and when he can bully his mother, he feels powerful. He feels weak and shaky about himself and lacks self-confidence. When he puts her down, he gets self-confidence. It’s a simple, basic behavioral dynamic.
To understand what kids get out of this, imagine you have a boss that you don’t like. Let’s say that boss is a constant pain in the neck for you. How often do you dream about telling him off? You imagine what it would be like to tell him off and think about how great you’ll feel. It probably will feel great for fifteen seconds, until you figure out how you’re going to find another job. It’s the same thing for these kids. They are telling off their boss, and they get the same sense of gratification out of it. To make it even better, they get to tell their boss off every day. In Danielle’s case, she has been telling off the boss for two years.
When children target a parent with their inappropriate behavior, they have most likely seen that there is a division in how the parents deal with the child—that the parents are not in alliance. They get two different messages from the parents, and they get power by picking on the weaker of the two parents, confronting the parent who challenges their power base or lashing out at the parent they deem is “unfair.” Children who target parents or siblings by acting out often don’t have high self-esteem. They are afraid to feel certain things or be confronted with certain situations. So they try to control people by making one of the parents or a sibling a victim.
When a child targets one person when he acts out, it’s an indication that he has learned he can feel powerful at the expense of that person, whether it’s a parent, a step parent or a sibling.
It’s a natural reaction for parents to become divided when this targeted behavior is going on in the family. Parents become angry at the child and at each other. It’s somehow easier for parents to argue with each other over the child’s behavior than it is to demand that the child change. But this is exactly what parents need to avoid. Parents have to join together and decide what they’re going to do—together—when the child is abusive. Whether both parents witness it or not, both parents have to say, “There’s no excuse for abuse.” Say this directly, clearly and firmly to the child who is acting out. Don’t look to blame the other kids in the family. Don’t blame each other. Put the responsibility for the behavior back on the child who is acting out.
Whether you are parenting the child as parents, step parents or foster parents, the most important word to remember is “We.” In Danielle’s case, when she rejects her stepfather, she is rejecting is the authority figure that he represents. Lisa shouldn’t try to shoulder the burden of this conflict alone, and David should neither withdraw from the parenting role to avoid conflict nor incite it by getting into shouting matches with Danielle. Lisa and David need to stand together and be very clear with Danielle, saying, “We are both your parents. And if you act in a disrespectful way with either one of us, you will be held equally accountable.”
The case of Jacob reminds me of my days working in youth detention centers. One day I remember asking a kid, “Do you curse at the staff in here?” And he said no. I asked him, “Why not? You curse at your mother.” Kids know who has the authority and who doesn’t. The kid in the detention center knew the staff members had authority and wouldn’t put up with being cursed at. His mom didn’t have authority over him, so he cursed her. What Brian and Susan need to realize is that Jacob understands if he disrespects people outside the home, the consequences will be clear, swift and uncomfortable. So when he disrespects his mother or his little brother, the consequences should also be clear, swift and uncomfortable. They need to observe what is different and what works about his behavioral responses outside the home and apply those things to their home.
The child who bullies specific people in the home has to learn the skills it takes to feel powerful and competent in more age appropriate ways. Parents should address two things:
- They need to help the child develop specific social skills in the areas of conflict resolution, negotiation and compromise.
- Parents have to work together to set clear and powerful limits to manage the behavior, always remembering to be united and use the word “we.”
The end result is that the child learns more skills to manage his feelings and not to abuse one person or take things out on them. He learns to manage those feelings of low self-esteem, powerlessness, confusion and helplessness himself. When parents teach these skills and kids learn them, both sides end up happier. Even though the child doesn’t get his way as often and even though the parent has to work at it a bit, they both feel happier because they know things are working in the family. In The Total Transformation Program, I provide parents with a step-by-step way to teach these life skills to your children.
Related content:
Manipulative Child Behavior? My Kids Are “Too Smart for Their Own Good”
About James Lehman, MSW
James Lehman, who dedicated his life to behaviorally troubled youth, created The Total Transformation®, The Complete Guide to Consequences™, Getting Through To Your Child™, and Two Parents One Plan™, from a place of professional and personal experience. Having had severe behavioral problems himself as a child, he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. Empowering Parents now brings this insightful and impactful program directly to homes around the globe.
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I googled this based on what’s going on where i live at this point.
I live together with a woman who have two boys at the age of 5 and 7.
Her sons have a tendency to act mockingly, throwing things in my face(mostly the youngest) and refusing to listen when i talk to them and rather retort with a smile with a firm no. If i talk to their mother about their behavior, she usually reacts with «so they always to this when i’m not looking?» and «funny they never do this to anyone else» but sometimes if i try to correct her children she will actually yell at me, like i’m doing something wrong, even as she knows her children misbehave and are disrespectful.
As a divorced mom of 2 teen boys, my reality is one in which if kids don’t like my rules (and there are few) they just go to their dad’s. It’s a win for him bc they are choosing him over me, and a win for the kids who seem to be free to do as they please. (It is impossible to be amicably divorced from a malignant narcissist, and there is no meeting of the minds on parenting.) Nineteen year old drove back from college 4 days ago with his dad.and the only time I saw him was when he stopped to unload the car. He had agreed that he would split time between homes. Sunday, a day and half after he came back (was away 4 months), I asked if we could get together; I was excited to see him. 4 months is a long time. I am busy during the week with work, and just wanted to see him, catch up, hear about school. I wasn’t going to hold him hostage! An hour would have been great. For reasons I don’t understand, he got mad at me. He has no internship/job, nothing going on. He is really smart, not very social (and I’m sure his friends are all working), shy. Months ago I’d offered to brainstorm with him about internships, jobs, etc. He never took me up on it. Younger son (who is at least keeping a schedule) historically modeled behavior after his brother, meaning if he got mad at me, it was off to dad’s. (1.5 miles apart.)
No clue why there is so much contempt and disrespect aimed at me. I have always been the reliable, helpful, involved parent.
Dad thinks 18 means “adult.” I think it is a new, far more nuanced and challenging stage of parenting. Kids have no independent life skills. Obviously, those are not coming from dad, who if not overtly, tacitly promotes More worried right now about college son’s self-righteous and ungrateful attitude, and why he is so easily triggered by me. I would like to have a mature relationship with my son. I realize, as I write this, that the “mature” part is an issue. How about a relationship? How about communication? I haven’t done anything yet for him to push back against. I would like to set some ground rules, for my house, but it’s moot if he’s but here, I caught him in a stupid lie - very uncharacteristic - over Xmas break (and I did NOT accuse of him lying, but I made it clear I didn’t buy it and he came clean). That’s when I reflected back on some things and realized he hadn’t been fully truthful don’t know why he felt need for secrecy. This obviously makes me worry, but I haven’t gotten to the point where I want to ask where he’s going/when he’ll be back. (His late model, duct-taped car was provided to him by his dad - I don’t think it’s a safe vehicle, but that’s a side issue. I added him to my AAA when he got his license, before that car came into his life.)
It hurts my feelings. (If I tell 19 yo that, he gets mad that I am blaming him.) I don’t know where I went wrong and more importantly how to improve
I can agree with this, however with my now
6 yeare old son, he has been the opposite of how you describe. I was a stay at home mom until a year ago and he has always been more defiant and out right rude and disrespectful to me. I am the parent that is more firm, diciplines and doesn't let him get away with his bad behavior or words without a consequence such as time out or losing a privilege(tablet or game console etc.). My husband is a school psychologist and takes on a different approach and does more calming the situation/behavior vs. giving consequences for it. He also gives him and my 4yr daughter(which doesn't exert this same problem) gifts often when they are out places. I don't see the need for getting my children toys all the time Cuz they already have so many and I don't want them spoiled and taking advantage of the toys they already have. I say this because Gift Giving seems to be one of my son's major love languages.
Have you had experience with my situation of a child at a very younge age (1yr) behaving like this? If so, please give me any advice you may have.
Sincerely,
A Mother Feeling Hopeless
I am having some trouble with my and my boyfriends children. He has two girls, 11 and 8. I have one girl, age 6. They all play ok for the most part; however, we have problems with his 8 year old trying to manipulate my 6 year old. For example, yesterday we went for a walk, came back, and our 6 and 8 year old went inside to get a snack. I followed them and told them to come outside when they were done to clean up their chalk. I walk back outside with my boyfriend and we talk in the drive way for a while. Thirty minutes go by and he get a phone call from his 8 yr olds mother asking where we were because his 8 year old called her on the house phone telling her that we left them and they can't find us, or a bad guy was in the house. This started when my 6 yr old came looking for me (forgetting I was outside) so the 8yr old told her bad guys might be in the house and we left them or something, which obviously terrified my 6 yr old.
Once everything was calmed down my boyfriend asked me if we were doing right by my child by putting her in a home with his 8 yr old, which in his opinion is problematic. I explained that I know the 8 yr old is a little more problematic but she is only 8 and has a strong personality, but I understand his side too. His concern is that his 8 yr old might have a long term impression with my 6 yr old, corrupting her behavior and from becoming a good person because of this influence. However, it does not happen all the time and they are only together maybe 3 days out of the month during school year and every other week in the summer. So are they really together enough to make a difference with my child?
My thoughts are that I can teach my child how to deal with a child like the 8 yr old, but my boyfriend argues that she is too young to learn that, that she is at the age to be influenced. Also, another issue is that her mother thinks she does know wrong, she only has an infant and the 8 yr old in her home so of course she doesn't see how the 8 yr old can be.
I understand my boyfriends concern; however, with the little time the girls are together, goes it really matter? Is this really something serious enough to end our relationship over just to protect my child from corruption? Im confused and at a lose. Please help.
Heather Hill
I’m so sorry to hear about all the challenges you are
experiencing with your nephew, and I’m glad that you are reaching out for
support, both in your community as well as online.Something that can be useful is to focus on
one or two of the most troubling behaviors, so that you are not quite so
overwhelmed with trying to address everything at once.Based on what you have written, it could be most
helpful to begin with his https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/kids-stealing-from-parents-what-you-need-to-know-now/
and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-child-is-using-drugs-or-drinking-alcohol-what-should-i-do/.In addition, if you are looking
for additional assistance in your community, you might consider contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222.211 is a service which connects people with
resources in their local area.I
recognize how difficult this must be for you, and I wish you and your family
all the best moving forward.Take care.
@Donna
What a tough situation. It’s understandable you would be
concerned about the possible future effects of your stepson’s current behavior.
Unfortunately, neither you nor your husband are going to be able to control
what happens when his son is with his mom and if she doesn’t want to bring in
outside support, there really isn’t anything you can do if there isn’t an issue
of abuse or neglect. In two household families such as yours, the most
effective approach is going to be to focus on what happens in your home in
terms of establishing a culture of accountability. We have several articles
that give tips for how to establish a culture of accountability. Two in particular
you may find helpful are https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-create-a-culture-of-accountability-in-your-home/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/angel-child-or-devil-child-when-kids-save-their-bad-behavior-for-you/ Best
of luck to you and your family moving forward. Take care.
I am in a serious power struggle with my 6 yr old daughter. I had a medicinal psychotic breakdown when she was 3 yrs old and was in and out of psych wards for a while. on top of that, I have severe pain in my hips and cannot do much physically bco of them. I have recently had hip surgery. Hopefully, it will help. Obviously, she has had a very unusual childhood.
I am a very devoted mom emotionally. I am also not a pushover. Ellie fights me over every single thing I have her do. Every chore, anything extra, anything that might not be fun. She stated a while ago saying very mean things to me- "you never let me do anything fun", "you always let my brothers do that", "my brothers never get in trouble", "you like my brothers more than me", you always make me do the cleaning", I never get to watch my shows", and the new one, "you force me to play with my friends just so you can watch tv". This bc I was watching my own show. When she says these things, u have either ignored her or given a consequence. The last one,I day down and firmly explained that I am her mother and she will not disrespect me like that, it is unacceptable. She had since said similar things 3 times.
She used to hit me 6-10 times a day. She did it sneakily, though, making it look like an accident, so I actually didn't realize she was purposely hurting me for quite a while.
For everybody else she is an absolute angel. I constantly get comments about how kind and sweet she is. My husband sports me 100%. When he sees it, he will discipline her. But she's smart. She usually doesn't do it when he is around. She saves it for when he is home. Her brothers have stayed asking what is wrong with their sister.
I am lost. I am terrified my "dark time", as we call it, had really damaged her.
What can I do? This article is the first thing I've read that actually speaks to my situation. Do you have any advice?
@Erin
I’m sorry to hear about the ongoing situation with your
daughter, and I understand your worries that you have “damaged” her. The
fact that she is well-behaved around others shows that she has the skills to
act appropriately. Now, it is more a matter of applying those skills to
her interactions with you. Sara Bean offers some suggestions for doing so
in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/angel-child-or-devil-child-when-kids-save-their-bad-behavior-for-you/. We
appreciate you writing in, and wish you all the best moving forward. Take
care.
MelissaPerez3
Transitions such as you describe can be tough. It’s not
unusual for kids to act out in these situations because they lack the skills to
cope with the changes taking place. What steps you take will depend on
the behaviors you are seeing. For most acting out behaviors, holding your child
accountable with task oriented consequences, as discussed in the article http://www.empoweringparents.com/authoritative-parenting-consequences.php , will be an effective way
of addressing the behaviors. If there are safety concerns, it would be useful
to reach out to your local crisis response to develop a safety plan that can be
implemented should your daughter’s behavior become so out of control that she
puts others at risk. The 211 Helpline can give you information on crisis
response as well as other supports for your family. You can reach the Helpline
24 hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging onto http://www.211.org/. We appreciate you writing in. Take
care.