Why is it so hard to motivate kids? As parents, we often have a funny, inaccurate belief that our children won’t care unless we twist their arms. But the simple truth is that your attempts to motivate your child are probably working against you.
You can’t make your child care just because you do—in fact, you might actually get in the way of their motivation. What’s worse, the push-pull of trying to motivate your child usually turns into a power struggle. There’s something wrong with the picture if you care more about your child’s grades than he does.
If you’ve been getting in your child’s “box” and trying to make him care because you do, it’s important to stop and ask yourself this question, “What’s my child’s responsibility here? What’s mine?” If your child isn’t getting his work done, your job as a parent is to hold him accountable and teach him how the real world works. In the real world, if you don’t finish your work, you won’t get paid.
Give consequences to show your child what the result of his poor choices are, but don’t confuse the reason for doing this with thinking you’ll make him care about his math homework simply because you care about it. Consequences aren’t there to create motivation; you give them because you’re doing your job as a parent. The bottom line is that you can’t motivate another person to care. Your role, rather, is to inspire and influence.
As parents, we often feel responsible for our child’s outcome in life, but understand that this is never the case—ultimately, your child is responsible for his own choices. But because we think our kids’ success depends on us, we step into a place where we don’t belong. We’re taught that we need to somehow control our kids, so we often jump in their box without a second thought. We think we’re supposed to motivate our children to want certain things in life, but that only causes them to function in reaction to you. Your child might comply to get you off his back or even to please you, but that doesn’t help him get self-motivated. Again, you definitely want to inspire and influence your child. The goal is the same: we want our kids to be motivated—it’s how we get there that makes the difference.
The truth of the matter is, some children are less motivated than others. There are kids who are smart as a whip but who get report cards with D’s and F’s. Some sit in the classroom gazing into space despite the teacher’s—and your—best efforts. Maybe you have a child who forgets his assignments or worse, does them and never turns them in. Or you might have a pre-teen who doesn’t seem interested in anything and has no real hobbies or passions. Maybe your teen gives up easily or doesn’t want to try. In spite of your best efforts, he remains stuck or is starting to fall behind. (If you have other concerns, be sure to have the school and/or your child’s pediatrician rule out learning disabilities, ADHD/ADD, depression, addictions and other conditions.)
If your child is one of the less motivated, it can be a source of great worry and frustration and sometimes even despair—and that’s where the trouble can begin. The trouble in this case is your reaction to your child’s lack of motivation, not the lack of motivation itself. When you get nervous about him, you try to motivate him from the grip of your own anxiety, and forget that it’s just not possible to make someone care.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Does your worry compel you to nag, hover, push, cajole, or over-function for your child?
- Does your frustration cause you to yell, scream, beg, punish, and throw your hands up in despair?
- Does your helplessness cause you to start fighting with your spouse, who never seems to do as much as you think he or she should do to get your child motivated?
- Does your fear about your child’s underachieving cause you to keep trying to get him to change and to be more motivated?
If you find yourself doing any of the above, you’ve probably seen your child resist, comply to get you off his back, rebel, or dig in his heels harder. Let me be clear: Whether he fights you or goes along with what you want, the end result is that he will be no more motivated than he was before. You might eventually get him to do what you want, but your goal of helping him be self-motivated is still a far away reality.
If you’ve ruled out learning disabilities and behavioral disorders and your child still isn’t participating in family life, and isn’t doing chores or homework, somehow you probably aren’t holding him to the line.
In that case, you need to hold him accountable and provide the consequences that will guide him to the right place. You’ll get the video game once you get your homework and chores done. Do this along with standing back enough to find out who your child is. If he doesn’t seem to get up on time, step back a little bit and see what his sleep patterns seem to be.
If there’s a particular chore he dislikes, you might talk to him and see if he and a sibling could switch tasks. I’m not saying we have to suit everybody’s desires but it’s not bad to check in and see what they might do better with. Maybe your son hates loading the dishwasher but would like to cook dinner because he’s interested in becoming a chef.
In this way, you’re helping your child see himself and define himself. Get out of his way and really see him, and then get out of his head so he can think for himself. At the same time, hold him accountable to the basic things that he needs to do in life.
Related content: Motivating Underachievers: 9 Steps to Take When Your Child Says “I Don’t Care”
How do you inspire your kids to motivate themselves? Here are six tips to help you influence them towards self-motivation.
1. Don’t Let Your Anxiety Push Them To Get Motivated
You will only motivate them to resist you or to comply to calm you down because they want you to leave them alone. This won’t motivate them as much as teaching them how to appease or resist you. It then becomes about reacting to you instead of focusing on themselves and finding some internal motivation. Your anxiety and need for them to care will just create a power struggle between you and your child.
2. Be Inspiring
The only way to motivate is to stop trying to motivate. Instead, work towards inspiring your child. How do you do that? Be an inspiring person. Ask yourself if your behaviors are inspiring or controlling. Understand that your kids will want to run the other way if you’re too controlling. Think about someone in your own life who is inspiring to you, and work towards that goal. Remember, the only thing you’ll motivate if you’re pushing your child is the motivation to resist you.
3. Let Your Child Make His Own Choices—and Face the Consequences
Let your child make his own choices. When it’s a poor choice, hold him accountable by letting him face the natural consequences that come with it. If the consequence of not doing his homework is that the computer is taken away, put the need to get that computer time back in his hands. If he finishes his work, he gets the time on the computer you’ve agreed upon. That will be a motivation for him in the right direction without you telling him what to do, how to do it, and lecturing him on why he should care.
As a parent, what you’re actually doing is asking yourself, “What will I put up with? What are my values and principles?” and you’re sticking to them.
4. Learn What Makes Your Child Tick
- What motivates my child?
- What does he really want?
- What questions can I ask that will help him discover and explore his interests?
- What are his goals and ambitions?
Step far enough away to see your child as a separate person. Then observe what you see. Talk to him to find the answers to the questions above. And then listen—not to what you want the answers to be, but to what your child is saying. Just listen to him. Respect his answers, even if you disagree.
5. Get Your Child to Want to Do the Right Thing
Imagine two doors. Door number one is for the parent who wants to get their kids motivated and do the right thing in life: get up, go to school, get their work done, be successful. Door number two is for parents who want their kids to be self-motivated to do those things. They want to influence their child to work toward the things they’re interested in. To not only do the right thing, but to want to do the right things.
Which door would you enter? If it’s door number one, then the way to achieve that goal is push, punish, beg, nag, bribe, reward, and cajole. If you decide on door number two, then you’ll reach that goal by asking different kinds of questions.
Rather than, “Did you get your homework done?” you might say, “Why did you decide to do your homework today and not yesterday? I noticed you chose not to do geometry yesterday, but you’re doing your history homework today. What’s the difference?” Be an investigator, exploring and uncovering, helping your child discover his own motivations and sticking points.
6. Your Child’s Behavior is Not Your Fault
Remember, your child’s lack of motivation is not your fault, so don’t personalize it. When you do this, you may actually contribute to the underachieving by creating more resistance.
Look at it this way. If you look too closely in the mirror, you can’t really see yourself—it’s just a blur. But when you get farther away, you actually see yourself more clearly.
Do the same thing with your child. Sometimes we’re just so close, so enmeshed, that we just can’t see them as separate from us. But if you can stand back far enough, you can actually start to see your child as his own person and start to find out what makes him tick—and then you’ll be able to help him understand himself as well. When you step back and observe, you’ll know what works for him, why he’s reaching for certain things and what really gets him moving.
There will be things he’s never going to be motivated to do but is still required to them. He may hate doing his chores and try to get out of it, and that’s when you give him consequences.
The goal is to influence your child when he has to do something he doesn’t want to do, and get to know him well enough to figure out what his own desires might be. As a parent, you want to strengthen his skills in defining what’s important to him. You want to help your child define for himself who he is, what’s important to him and what he’s going to do to make those things happen.
Our responsibility is to help our kids do that, not to do it for them. We need to stay out of their way enough so they can figure out who they are, what they think and where their own interests lie.
Related content:
How to Deal With Your Child’s Attitude
About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC
For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.
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I have three kids. The eldest child I raised using rewards and everything was fine, but when he was about 5 years old, he accumulated the amount he needed and refused to do chores. I couldn't make him do anything else, because his already had a certain attitude to matters. Now he is 7 years old, it is impossible to force him to do household chores. I don't know what to do. I am not ready to put pressure on him, as it affects the child's mental health. With the second child, everything was somehow easy, he took the vacuum cleaner himself, helped clean the table and put away the toys. He repeated everything after me and I just praised him. The third child I raised using printable star reward charts. The son liked it, but the stars were constantly lost. Then we switched to the Manini app. Now the youngest child is 3 years old and we already know how to do a lot. I don't scold him if he misses something or doesn't want to do it.
Now I think about it and wonder how different all children are)
@MRSUTAH831
I hear you.It can be so frustrating
when you are doing everything you can think of, yet your child continues to act
irresponsibly and doesn’t appear to care about consequences.Sometimes it can be useful to use additional
supports, like a counselor, to help you address inappropriate behavior.If you are not currently working with anyone,
try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at
1-800-273-6222.211 is a service which
connects people with available resources in their community.In addition, keep in mind that consequences
by themselves do not change behavior if your son is not learning what to do
differently in the future.You can read
more about this in our series https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-consequences-arent-enough-part-1-how-to-coach-your-child-to-better-behavior/
and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-consequences-arent-enough-part-2-making-child-behavior-changes-that-last/.Please let us know if you have additional
questions.Take care.
Last year was a constant struggle to get my stepdaughter to do anything and she failed most of her classes. This year, she's repeating 10th grade and failing once again. Her father and I have no idea what to do. Her therapist wants us to be more positive and I recognize that last school year, her dad came home at 7 pm and it was a war over getting schoolwork done, emails with problems from teachers and things were very very negative. Then last spring, my stepdaughter was diagnosed with depression and spent 2 weeks in an in-patient facility due to suicidal thoughts. She's on medication but is not improving.
She attends a high school with very high academic standards and she will not be allowed to stay enrolled there unless her grades and behavior improve. So far this school year, she has decided it's not worth trying. Her GPA was damaged so much by failing last year that it will be impossible for her to get into a competitive college and community colleges will take anyone, so her attitude is why bother. She's been failing to turn in homework, doesn't pay attention in class and even failed to report to a detention that resulted in an in-school suspension. If her grades and behavior don't improve, next semester she will be sent to an alternative high school which has issues with gang violence and drugs. There is no possible way my husband will allow her to go there. Home schooling isn't an option since then either her father or I will need to be the bad guy enforcing her doing school work. Applying to private school isn't an option since her grades and behavior problems would preclude her from being accepted. Our only option if she is not longer allowed to attend her current school is sending her to some sort of boarding school for girls with behavior problems or mental illness.
I'm not sure how our family can afford a boarding school. Her mental illness isn't serious enough for insurance to pay. This could financially devastate our family, and my stepdaughter doesn't seem to care. She shrugs off being expelled. She doesn't care about the impact on the rest of the family. I doubt whether the boarding school will even be effective since she has no motivation to do anything and doesn't care about any punishments. Honestly, I don't think she'll even want to come home. She has such a bad relationship with her father that she'll be happy to be gone.
We're at a complete loss at what to do. I know depression can take years to treat or if she has some more serious mental illness, it could take even longer. How do schools usually handle teens who are mentally ill and not turning in homework? Currently she is given extra time and still doesn't do assignments so additional accommodations wouldn't be helpful until it's a free pass to do nothing.
I’m a stepmom too. Almost 3 years ago my husband’s children were suddenly dropped at our doorstep by their mother, even though I know them since their were little is a different story having them full time. At the begging it was really hard. My stepdaughter who’s 14 years old was depressed and her grades were so bad that teacher would comment “ Not able to grade” she was really over weight and there was no “ motivational talk” that could help her, her brother who then was only 8 years old was a total mess. He would cry all the time he would attempt to hit me and his father, hated chores, school, homework, extracurricular activities the only thing he wanted was being in front of the TV. After almost 3 years things have change a little. My stepdaughter’s (15 years old now)grades are good, she will be going to 10th grade, just finished a college class over the summer and will be doing 3 AP classes, she’s in guitar classes and have lost 30 pounds, she now has a few friends, she thinks about going to college, she even wants to go to driving school, I don’t really have to be on her case as much about doing her chores or about brushing her teeth. My stepson was in therapy for a few months and his behavior has somewhat changed, he doesn’t cry for everything as he used to do, he still hate school- I did too- but at least complete his homework and does not complain about having to go to school. After all that said you may think that all our problems are solve, let me tell you “ they AREN’T”. Sometime we - Stepparents- kill ourself brainstorming about what else can we do to make them happy or to make them ready for future success but sometimes their emotional problems are deeper than we think, and those problems already existed before they came under our care. I used to consumed myself looking for things that could help them, they have all the things I thought they needed ; support, healthcare, clothes, friends, trips, extracurricular activities, but they still look like something is missing. My stepdaughter was caught “ Sexting” with a 25 year old guys who she met at a friends party, after that what we found was pretty bad. She was sexting with several kids at her school and many teacher would start sending messages to me and my husband about her being in the bathroom too long. She has developed kind of a addictive behavior sort of thing, is like she can’t stop. She hasn’t have social media for months but now she takes everything to the extreme if you let her, she can’t seem to have enough of anything. I talked to the school counselor and she said that she will refer her to a therapist she thinks my stepdaughter is at risk, her “ I wanted all behavior “ and her “ you only live once” behavior can get her into difficult situation that may be hard for her to get out of, so we are waiting on that. My stepson even though he would comply with things like getting ready for school or getting ready for swimming lesson he still needs constant supervision for the minimum thing like get your clothes ready, brush your teeth, go take a shower, getting the trash out-his chore-, he seems lazier than ever, never wants to try harder, he always wants to give up, maybe he’s depress too who knows. What I’m trying to say is that we can only do much, we trying to give the the right environment but we can’t not really change their inner environment, we can lead them to do it, but that’s about it. My husband, their father, does not really do much either, their mom is still figuring out her place in this world , she doesn’t have a place to stay, no job, no support system and only comes to see the children once a month “if”. I feel overwhelmed, always worrying, and thinking about their situation but sometimes we as stepparent have to step back for a minute and let them figure things out but their own, when I say them I’m referring to the children and their biological parents. Sometimes we think that children are better off with us ,which is my case, and maybe it is but children want to be with their mother no matter how disfuncional it may look, they don’t see the big picture , they’re not capable of, they’re too young, maybe they need the help to accept it, maybe it will talle them years, they hide behind all these behaviors or maybe is their coping mechanism, I don’t know, I wish I did. The only thing we can do is love them, show love to them, love ourself, respect them, teach them boundaries, what are your expectations in your household, the rest is just out of reach. I am trying, is hard, but that was what I accepted when I allowed the children to come and live with us, one day everything will change nothing is forever, and when that happens you will feel better with yourself because you were a helping hand at some point in their life.
Good luck to you.
@Stepmom
I hear how
concerned you are about your stepdaughter, and the possible consequences of her
current behavior at school. At this point, I encourage you and your
husband to work together with the school to develop a plan to help your
stepdaughter meet her responsibilities, and hold her accountable for her
behavior there. Janet Lehman outlines some tips on this in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/when-your-child-has-problems-at-school-6-tips-for-parents/. In addition,
you might consider https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/
with her at home about how she can meet her responsibilities at school. I
recognize how challenging this must be for you and your family, and I hope that
you will write back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
RebeccaW_ParentalSupport The core problem is my stepdaughter no longer cares, so the teachers, school counselor, her father and I can have all the meetings we want, but nothing changes since my stepdaughter doesn't want to change. There's no way to hold her accountable since she doesn't care about anything. She hasn't had a cell phone for nearly 2 years. She doesn't have any friends. She doesn't go to parties, play video games or do anything other than stay in her room. Last school year, she would be in trouble for not doing her homework and would hide in the attic to avoid her dad. We've had to seal off the attic to keep her out of there. She goes days refusing to speak to me or her dad and then we finally sit down and are able to talk to her, she explodes and starts screaming.
I wish the school would put a freeze on her grades and GPA and all of that would be out of the picture because it's putting so much stress on the situation, but they won't consider that. The teachers don't want to deal with her and want her out of their classes because she's not able to function there. Her therapist is completely on a different page and doesn't want us even worried about school - but that ignores the fact that in January, we're going to have a make a decision about where she can be enrolled if she isn't expelled earlier.
Christina Lopez I have the same lack of motivation/ambition issues with my 12 year old son. I am very concerned he will become one of the many lost soul 'safe space' kids of his generation. He has been a gymnast for six years and has never really applied himself very much or shown much drive or ambition compared to his teammates, despite his coaches urging. This is a pattern in his life and electronics and leisure related activities seem to be all he is really excited about. He is a good kid with a kind heart and he and I get along well, his mother and I do not but we are still married. Just being part of the team seems to be good enough for him, he has fallen to the bottom of the list of the boys at his level and aside for being embarrassed, he doesn't seem to care. He still participates because I pay the gym $500 a month so he can continue, we commute one out each way to the gym three time a week. At his level, he has to build more muscle and train his body outside the gym to progress in the sport. I workout with him every morning at 7am to keep him on track and make sure he is actually working and not just showing up to 'check the box' so he can claim he worked out, this is always a battle and I never ask him to do anything I am not doing. Its very frustrating because I am a achiever, stay fit and try to get better every day at most things. His mom and I are completely at odds on how to proceed with him. She says, just let him quit. I say, what is next and what will he do with all the free time he will inherits? She is not lazy, but does not exercise, has never been on a team or really competed outside of community theater. He agrees there are really no ambitious interests that will fill this void. We home school both of our boys and the younger one will continue in gymnastics 12 hours per week. He is a bit more gifted gymnastically but has also mentioned quitting if the older one does, my answer is no.
I would really like to hear from parents who let their kids quit activities like this and what the immediate and long term result has been. I will never quit motivating and inspiring my children in that order. Their lives and mine will demand results if they are to have a quality existence.
HelpFrustratedMom
It can be really frustrating when you feel as though you are
putting in more effort into motivating your son to play basketball than he
is. Ultimately, your son is in charge of how much effort he puts into his
playing, as well as figuring out his own motivations. It’s not uncommon
for some kids to enjoy playing the game for the sake of playing, and so they
are not motivated by competition. It’s also pretty normal for kids to
engage in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/does-your-child-rely-on-wishful-thinking-how-to-motivate-him-toward-attainable-goals/; that is, making promises to try harder and do better, without a
clear plan for exactly what to do differently. While the choice of
whether to keep him in his travel team is yours, you might do some https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/
with him about what he will do differently to meet expectations moving
forward. Thank you for your question; take care.
@Concernedmom
It can be very challenging when your child is playing
sports, yet is not putting forth his best efforts. The truth is, people
become involved in sports for various reasons: physical activity, competition,
peer pressure, social interaction, among others. I hear your concerns
that your son might get hurt playing football due to his lack of effort and his
fears. Something you might try is https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/ about how he can participate more fully with the team.
Ultimately, though, it is up to your son to decide how much effort he decides
to put forth when he is playing and practicing, as well as how he feels about
playing on the team. Thank you for your question; take care.
SueDom
One of the hardest things a parent can experience is
watching your child hurt, and feeling helpless to fix it. I hear how
difficult it has been for both you and your son to come to the realization that
he will not be able to achieve his goal of playing college lacrosse. And,
truth be told, it’s https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-fixing-things-for-your-child-doesnt-help/ for your son. Figuring out his happiness, his
goals, and his own motivations are his responsibilities. While it is
helpful to be a supportive person for your son, it’s also important to
communicate to him through your words and actions that you believe he is
capable of handling this situation on his own. College can be a great
time of self-discovery for many, and offers numerous opportunities to realize
new interests and goals. I recognize how challenging this must be for
both you and your son, and I wish you both all the best moving forward.
Take care.
Frustratedmother
I hear you. It can be very difficult when your child
lacks motivation, especially when he has so much potential. The truth is,
people generally don’t change until they are uncomfortable, and if your son is
having his needs met without working, then it’s not likely that he will be
motivated to look for work. While you cannot make your son look for work,
or obtain a job in a given field, you can set some boundaries for yourself and
how you are responding to your son. For example, you could look at
limiting the amount of financial assistance you are providing if he is not
actively looking for work. You might also find it helpful to https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ with your son which outlines your expectations and
boundaries. I recognize how frustrating this can be, and I hope that you
will write back and let us know how things are going for you and your
family. Take care.
Thank you for the article. We're really struggling with our oldest, a 13-year old girl who is wrapping up 7th grade and as the quarter's assignments are being logged by teachers into her online portal, it looks like her grades will be at an all-time low, likely with an F in at least two if not three classes and already a D in one. The main issue is that she has not turned in the vast majority of her assignments. She tests above average in ability, generally speaking. Like 70th or 80th percentile...not a genius but she should not be failing. We did have her tested for ADD (she does not have ADHD) and the results were somewhat mixed & inconclusive. We are thankful to have a strong, respectful, loving relationship with her. She is a lot of fun, has some athletic interests, has solid friendships, and the friends tend to get decent grades.
My question is regarding natural consequences. Mid-way through this school year and for about 4-5 months, we set up clear expectations (in writing) for privileges that were taken away for various academic infractions. The consequences were tiered and escalating, starting with shorter-term loss of screen time, then loss of all electronics for longer periods, then grounding from social activities. There were also associated rewards, in that she was going to get a trip abroad this summer (which she wants very much) if she didn't get anything below a C. We stuck to this for months. During this time, she was constantly in some type of state of bring punished. It never produced a "rise" out of her or an improvement in her academics. She never cared. She said her friends just flat-out stopped asking her to do things on the weekend because they knew she was constantly grounded. Without her electronics, she'd sleep away a Saturday afternoon. We told her it was in her power to fix it and she would say "I know," and shrug. We were always the police and we did not like it. We held out for as long as we could, but when the report cards came out, it was clear that it didn't help.
She says she's not sure why she doesn't care about her grades. We've tried to describe what working life might be like for a high school grad, or even a high school dropout. But she's completely un-phased, saying she'd like to be a bartender when she gets older. (which sounds like a "screw you" answer designed to get a rise out of us, but her delivery reads very genuine to me)
How would you approach setting up consequences?
@Mom in WI
This is a common
frustrating scenario experienced by many parents this time of year, so you are
not alone. When setting up consequences, it can be helpful to clarify
both what you want your child to learn from the experience, and what your goal
is for the consequence. If your goal is to make your daughter care about
her grades, or see how important academic achievement is for her future, that
might be a difficult task to achieve. This is because your daughter is an
individual, and is fully in charge of what is, and is not, important to her.
In addition, at 13, she probably does not have the ability to foresee the
potential impact of her choices now on her adult life, simply based on where
she is in her development. That being said, you are not powerless in this
situation. One step you might consider is to have a conversation with
your daughter about what happened this year in school, what she learned from
this experience, and what she will do differently next year, or during summer
school if she is attending. You might find additional helpful information
in our articles, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-you-should-let-your-child-fail-the-benefits-of-natural-consequences/ and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/.
Please be sure to let us know if you have any additional questions. Take
care.
There are some very valid points here. However, just because you don't know how to motivate a child doesn't mean it can't be done. Sure, the vast majority of parents have no clue how to do this, but the fact is parents can be very influential if they do things the right way.
The first lesson is to avoid demotivating. You have written some good things on this but the number one thing that parents tend to do is correct their children. Kids hate being corrected and it doesn't take too many corrections to convince a child that they are no good at a certain thing, totally killing their motivation. Never correct a child when they are doing something you want to encourage.
The second lesson is show interest in everything you want to encourage. Kids love and need attention from their parents, so to encourage or motivate them, show them you are interested. The best way to do this is to be interested. If your not interested and you still believe it is important, try faking your interest until you actually become interested.
Avoid giving children the attention they need for negative things. If your children are getting all the attention they need by acting out, why would they be motivated to get the attention in positive ways? To achieve this you need to have good discipline strategies in place.
Be vigilant, when a child starts to show some inclination to do the things you want them to do, make sure you acknowledge it. They need to know you notice, if you miss the opportunity to acknowledge something it may be a while before they try again.
Concentration is hard for some kids, don't make it harder with poor sleep habits and a poor diet. It doesn't matter how motivated a child is, if they are tired they will struggle to concentrate and the same goes if they are on a sugar high or low. If you want motivated kids you must look after the basics.
These are some real things you can do to motivate your kids, eventually their own success will start to motivate them. The more they feel in control of their destiny the more they will be self motivated.
@Todd
This sounds like a tough situation. Holding a child
accountable when he doesn’t meet expectations is important. It can be difficult
to do, though, when you get a response that includes aggression and property
damage. Many parents are unsure of how to respond to this behavior, so, you’re
not alone. We have several articles that offer tips for dealing with anger and
aggression. You may find the articles https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/angry-child-outbursts-the-10-rules-of-dealing-with-an-angry-child/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/is-your-defiant-child-damaging-or-destroying-property/ helpful for learning ways of responding to this behavior. You
want to be mindful as well not to give consequences in the moment when the
behavior is happening. A more effective approach might be having your son earn
privileges by meeting expectations instead of taking things away when he
doesn’t do what he’s asked. You can say to your son something like “It’s time
to do your chores. When you’ve finished your chores, you can have your video
games” and then walk away. Don’t get pulled into a power struggle trying to get
him to comply. I hope you find this information useful. Be sure to check back
if you have any further questions. Take care.
My daughter is lacking motivation related to her appearance as well as many other things. She is living a lonely life and I can't get through to her that she is sending a message to others but giving the impression that she doesn't care. Sometimes she is dirty looking. She says my standards are too high and exaggerates my intension to the point of being ridiculous and blaming me.
Any suggestions for how I can handle this? I feel that I model positive behavior and make the effort to look clean, groomed and maintain acceptable hygiene. You mentioned being a positive role model that is why I am mentioning it.
Seeking Suggestions
I can hear how much your daughter’s behavior distresses you.
Addressing hygiene concerns can be tough. Sara Bean gives some great tips for
steps you can take in her article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/poor-hygiene-in-children-my-kid-stinks-help/. Another thing to consider is
making an appointment with her doctor and sharing your concerns. This could
help to rule out any possible underlying issues that may be affecting your
daughter’s behavior and choices. I hope you find the information in the article
useful for your situation. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are
going. Take care.