Ah, the battle cry of the “almost adult”! Parents all around the country cringe when they try to enforce a family rule, only to be met with their 17-and-a-half-year-old’s shout: “Soon, you won’t be able to control me at all!”
Is that true? Are all bets off once your child reaches that golden age of 18?
The answer is yes and no. (But mostly no.) It’s true that when your child reaches the age of 18, they are legally seen as an adult and are legally responsible for their own behavior instead of their parents. They can’t break laws, of course – being 18 just means you can be tried as an adult, not that you’re free to do anything you please.
What concerns many parents is how much control they can have over their child once they reach 18, and many parents abdicate all authority once their kids are no longer minors. So how can you tell your child what to do when they’re legally an adult?
Parents Get to Make the Rules in Their Home
The truth is, no matter how old your child, you have the right to make and enforce the rules of your house. Your 18-year-old has to follow the rules just as much as your 4-year-old does.
Of course, as kids get older, they can earn more privileges and have more responsibility. However, the age factor does not give them an excuse to be abusive (verbally or physically) or disrespectful.
Your house rules are your house rules. And as James Lehman (creator of The Total Transformation child behavior program) says, there’s never any excuse for abuse—no matter how old someone is.
In the Empowering Parents three-part series on adult children, James Lehman describes how many parents get sucked into feeling like they owe their child a place to live or food to eat. Indeed, many older children begin to treat their parents’ home as though it were a hotel.
Parents Get to Enforce the Rules in Their Home
Teens have an error in their thinking when they believe that turning 18 suddenly means they can do whatever they want. That “thinking error” shows up in many ways, often around issues of school or good grades.
If they don’t want to go to school, they’ll say, “I’m almost 18—you can’t make me.” Or, “As soon as I turn 18, I’m going to quit, and you can’t stop me.”
Both of those statements are true. You can’t force your child to go to school, and you can’t stop them from quitting once they’re 18. You can, however, enforce a family rule.
If you believe your child should finish high school, tell them:
“You’re right. I can’t force you to go, and I can’t stop you from quitting. However, the rule in this house is that you stay in school and graduate from high school or get a full-time job and pay rent. The choice is up to you.”
If they come back at you with “Okay, I’ll move out then,” you may just need to let that comment slide. Teens often challenge your rules by threatening you with leaving, trying to get you to give in to their demands.
A more appropriate response to that kind of comment would be:
“That’s not what I want to see happen. However, you do need to find a way to comply with the rules as long as you live here.”
Then, walk away. Your child might be so shocked by your reply that they’ll find a way to comply with your rules.
Your Rules Apply to Any Age Child (or Guest) in Your Home
Remember, the rules are the rules—and the rules of your house remain the rules of your house no matter how old your child. It would be the same for a guest in your home. It’s your home, after all.
This needs to be stated clearly and firmly. Your house rules should reflect your morals and values and provide a safe environment for everyone in the home.
For example, no stealing or lying will be tolerated in your home. Curfews need to be met. Basic hygiene and respect for others’ property are expected. And no drug or alcohol use is allowed, especially if the child is still under legal drinking age.
You may have other rules to add to this list. If your 18 or older child is living in your house, they need to abide by your rules or face the consequences. Sit down together and talk about your rules, expectations, and potential consequences.
How to Respond to ‘You Can’t Tell Me What to Do!’
Once you’ve had this discussion, you can sidestep all those cries of “You can’t make me.” When your child challenges you with “I’m almost 18, you can’t tell me what to do,” the most effective response is:
“You’re right. I can’t tell you what to do outside of this house. But while you’re here, you do need to comply with my rules. You don’t have to like them, but you do have to find a way to follow them.”
Don’t engage in a power struggle over who’s right or wrong, and don’t argue with their faulty thinking patterns and entitlement. If they break the rules, follow through with the consequence for breaking those rules.
Conclusion
Remember, whether your child is 5 years old or over 18, your home is your home, and your rules are your rules. Once they’re 18, you can’t control all their choices, but you can create a safe and somewhat peaceful home environment. Good luck!
About Megan Devine, LCPC
Megan Devine is a licensed clinical therapist, former Empowering Parents Parent Coach, speaker and writer. She is also the bonus-parent to a successfully launched young man. You can find more of her work at refugeingrief.com, where she advocates for new ways to live with grief.
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Coming from a child whose parents' mindset was this to an extreme, I would caution you with the type of rules you would place down. For example, my parents have decided to put terms on some of how I do my life. I am a good adult child who has followed the rules for a long time to the best of my abilities. Now my parents have placed rules on my life that are not theirs to have rules on. I am planning on cutting contact because of the "it's my house my rules" idea.
So, word of advice? remember that not all kids are the same, and not all adult children are the same either. If they want to have certain freedoms that you may not always agree with, have them pay a reasonable rent, and view them like a tenant or a good roommate. If you choose to remain closed minded and try to enforce the rules 24/7, then you might have to deal with someone who has a deep wound.
Now, I don't know who would go as far as my parents would or not, but whatever you do, don't take away your grown children's privacy. Literally, my door has been off for a month (still going and probably will continue to go until I can have enough money to move out, assuming my parents don't take it all with rent) because I wanted to sleep in a place that didn't have constant stress for one night.
I have a 16 year old foster/adoptive child that has been living with us since the beginning of the year. When he first moved in, it was that honeymoon phase for sure. Until about 2 months before his adoption, that's when we started seeing odd things happening. He was distancing himself, constantly leaving the house. He blamed it on being an active/adrenaline seeking kid, however he doesn't do anything that would make you think that. He plays sports, don't get me wrong. However, he isn't aggressive on the field, he doesn't do anything that may cause damage to his face, fingers, skin or his looks. Man when I was his age, I wasn't an adrenaline seeker by any means. However, I had my fair share of broken bones, cuts, scraps, and even stitches in my head.
Anyways, we started noticing he was hanging around a specific girl then began dating her. At first, we didn't see anything wrong with it, now we definitely have issues. The girl can't go a day without seeing him, and if she is forced too it's are "f'ing" fault. Why are we trying to ruin the best relationship in the world. She constantly talks about depression, anxiety, mental downward spirals, and a few times suicide ideations. We have voiced our concerns, and he and she tell us to stay out of their lives and it's none of our business what they do or say. We tried speaking with her mother, because honestly those are red flags to us, and both kids have her mom believing they are just joking around. Her mom has gone as far as to tell us to parent our own kid, and she'll parent hers. Honestly, a 15 year old that goes to bed a 2am even during school season, talks the way she does......you're NOT parenting mom.
His counselor has told us not to contact CPS, or the police, because it would cause even more issues with trying to get him to bond to us. He's broken the law a few times, his counselor has gotten him to understand that, however I get the impression he simply doesn't care and will continue too.
It almost feels like he wants to live rent free in my home, have the benefits of my wife and I buying him what he wants, when he wants it (right now its only what he needs), and take him where he wants when he wants. He mentioned being emancipated when he first moved in, his caseworker told him to get that out of his head because it doesn't happen for foster kids. Unfortunately, this is starting to feel like it never left his head, and that's what he's trying to do in my home.
My wife and I have more than normal arguments because of this. He doesn't tell the truth to his counselor or therapist. I'm at my wits end with him, and honestly don't know what to do. He blames us for not wanting to bond with us, yet he is the one rebelling and causing the issues. I don't dissolution the adoption, cause I'd feel like a failure. Like I let him down, and suck as a parent. However, as more days go by it feels like we might have too.
My daughter is almost 18 - three more weeks. Over the last few months (aug til now) she has run away- lived in homeless teen shelters (until they kick her out for behavior) and not back at our home. We consistently try to badger and cussed out, she demands we do things for her. Even has the nerve to ask me to buy her a vape. We live in Alaska and the legal age for that is 19, so the answer is no. Her behavior has gotten so bad I have reached out to Child services, the school. All of them - (to her) no you can do what you want, and tell me unfortunately she is about to be an adult. My daughter also suffers from mental its ness, ODD, and Autism. They just want me to set her free, but to be honest I think she needs to go. Maybe my hair would stop falling out, maybe there will be peacefulness in the home again, and maybe, just maybe our other children and animals will finally feel safe.
I don't want it to be this way, of course, I do not think any parent wants their kid to leave on bad terms, but honestly, I'm done.
We have tried working with her with coping skills, breaks, therapy, Summer outreach programs, and summer work programs seems like it has to be her way or the highway. It's the damn if I do and damned if I don't. The walking on eggshells, the getting in between her and the other folks in the home just to try to keep the peace. My heart is breaking, my shoulders feel heavy. I'm tired.
My18 year old moved in with her Principal the day after graduation, because she is dating her son. He doesn’t live there.
Is there a legal way we can get her back home?
My almost 18 yr old has too complete this year and next year of high school. She doesn't drive yet, (hopefully this summer) and doesn't have a job ,is making bad life choices but yet she's ready to move out because I'm the bad guy who tells her what to do. I get it ,I've been there but seriously 18 is not the magic "I'm a adult" number.
Being a adult is so much more than that.I try to help without being pushy but I end up yelling in frustration. I'm ready to kick her out and let her sink or swim but I'm afraid it will kill us both.
Our daughter who is almost 18 and has 1 more yr of HS has been dating a nice boy for over a yr. He recently turned 16 yo.
She has indicated his mother wants her to come live at their house when she turns 18. She is a single mother who is a nice person and "good" mother. I see this as another way to bring in additional "rent" money (also $ from 20 y.o. son's job) from our daughter, who claims she can get a job while her BF finishes HS. Then he can get a job and give her "rent" $$. I feel she is encouraging this decision for her financial benefit and may "trap" my daughter. If she lived at home, more community colleges, home on bus route, close jobs are near our home - their home is far away and not in a safe part of town and a 3-mile unsafe walk to the bus stop. There would only be mom's 1 old vehicle (and she has to get to work) and 3 kids with difficult to get to public transportation. Does anyone see a "trap" here? Though, if we required our daughter to live at home, she would be mad, sad, with no motivation - without BF by her side. They are good together. His mom is much younger, healthier than me and that is an attraction to live there. But
I see a "failure to launch" if our daughter is so dependant on BF emotionally (remember age difference) and his mom gets dependant on their "rent" $$ , plus location and her financial constraints. Plus, can mom claim our daughter as a "dependant" according to IRS rules? The kids love each other, we have different faith values and are in a different socio-economic class.
Heres what happened at our home with our 17 year old son. He was lying about where he would be all night and just lying about lots of things in general so he could do what his friends were doing.
Didn't go so well in our house as my husband got mad and they got into an argument about lying,, not doing too well in school, and not getting a part time job after he quit all sports to hang out with his friends.
Well it is hard to have house rules when other parents don't so my son moved out the day after he turned 18 to live with his friend and his wonderful mom who lets them do anything. So we tried to raise a good kid and got stabbed in the back by him and his wonderful free living friends who have it much more fun than he did I guess. He has always been as respectful to us as any teen and not a lot of trouble, but the beginning of this school year he decided to hang with the bad kids and quit most of his more accomplished kids. So sad.
He barely answers our texts to him, so at least I still know he is ok, but neither he nor his friend have a job and are just mooching off the mom who allows it and it has now been 2 months. Will it ever get better?? Now I almost wish I had just been the mom/friend with no house rules so we would at least still be speaking. It has been horrible.
We had a similar thing with my son. He was always saying when he turned 18 he could do what he wanted and we would joke about it as I told him that not how it works. I would explain why and what that would look like. My son and I were very close and it quite literally broke my heart when he lied to me about camping with friends over a long weekend only to tell me on my way to work that he was moving out. It literally came out of nowhere as I recognized that hanging on zoom was not the same as the social scene at school and kids are feeling lonely. We had not had any arguments or dissension in the home. Everything actually seemed pretty good. I called and we had a conversation, but by the time I got home his stuff and money was gone. I cried for days as I just couldn't believe it. COVID has not been a friend to our kids and his senior year was not anything I had imagined for him. This was in March and I tried to get him to wait until Spring Break at least, with no luck. He moved 30 minutes away with a friend and his sister, however, he assured me he would stay in school. I tried to get my ex to help me make him come back by taking away his car and phone, but he wouldn't help. In the end, when I could breathe a little I had to take a step back and reflect that my son was a good kid, had made more good decisions for himself than bad, had been respectful, was staying in school and in the end, I had to trust what he felt he needed to do for himself. Getting into a power struggle was not going to work. As hard as it was for me I gave him his space and did not reach out for almost two weeks. I knew he was spending time trying new experiences and partying and I was concerned. I sat back and thought about what prompted this and there had been a break up with a long-distance girlfriend, but really I think he was depressed and lonely as zoom hangouts are just not the same as school. As I imainged it our kids are suffering and suffocating with 'distance learning'. After a couple of weeks, I sat and wrote a mindfully worded text telling him that he broke my heart, not because he felt he needed to move but because of the way he did it. In a very long-winded way I told him that while I may not agree with his choices, I would respect that he felt and trust him to do what's right for him. If he was following his heart and being genuine as well as staying in school it's all I can ask for. After that, I would occasionally text and ask him to respond to make sure I knew he was at least alive. After that, I left him alone. Occasionally I would just text him that I loved and missed him and hoped he was doing well without asking for anything back. Because he was a senior we had a few functions to attend and discuss and I finally started joking that he had lopped me off like a dead arm and cast me out to sea, the least he could do was attend a function. I know he really didn't want to attend these things, but he complied. Little my little he started texting to share and I would encourage him in his choices. It sometimes would be all I could do not to give my two cents (which is my superpower, though according to my son I'm a drill sergeant). It was all hard because nothing exactly went wrong that I could even address or bring understanding to for myself. When we would be in town we would invite him to a meal or he would ride along to Portland with us and download all that has been happening. He started attending our monthly family dinners. Then his birthday came around and he was a bit ambivalent in celebrating as a family because he "didn't want anything and was watching what he ate". We had his birthday and then the holidays. My son got a job and grew up in the 9 months since he left home. He got over thinking we were holding him back from certain experiences. I had to let go while mourning our old relationship as well as my hopes and dreams for him, while in turn trusting all I put into him would see him through to the other side. Our relationship grew and is stronger then ever. He actually ended up moving back home a few months ago.
I know this is not everyone's experience and my heart goes to all the hard working parents loving and worrying for their kids. I hope healing comes for all of you and your children.
Our 17 year old son moved out on his 17th birthday. Truly heartbreaking. It is horrible but don’t second guess your parenting rules/boundaries. I am thankful I know where he is living and is safe. However the friends mom/parent also lack of rules so it’s the place to be.
We know boundaries are needed especially with their developing brain!
I cry everyday but am also comforted with there is a reason we have to walk this path. I pray for him everyday and hope for the day we can reconnect.
stepdup
It can be quite challenging when your older teen starts to
become more disrespectful and threatens to move out of the house. I also
understand the additional challenge that you are facing in not wanting to
communicate to your stepdaughter that she has “won” by your decision to allow
her to move out with her boyfriend. In the end, though, you can only
control your own actions, not how others might perceive them. At this
point, you might want to research your legal rights and responsibilities to
your stepdaughter due to her age. You might also consider starting to
plan with her about the steps she needs to take to live independently.
One step might be to https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ about your expectations for her behavior while she is
still in your home, and how you will hold her accountable if she is not
following the rules. Please be sure to write back and let us know how
things are going for you and your family. Take care.
disrespectedmama
It’s not uncommon for teens and young adults to want the
independence which comes along with being an adult, while ignoring the
responsibilities which come along with it. If your son is legally an
adult, and is refusing to follow your rules, you have the option of removing
him from your home. In some communities, you may have to follow a formal
eviction process to have your son leave. You can call your local clerk of
courts to get information on the process in your area, as well as other options
you might have available to you. Thanks for writing in; take care.
I enforced family rules in the same way. Finish college or get a job and contribute. No drugs. No boys staying over. Help with housework.
Both of my daughters left home before they were 18 because they thought these rules unreasonable and I would not back down. They stormed out on separate occasions and I lost them.
There isn't a day goes by when I don't question whether I did the right thing. I held the line with them for all the reasons cited in the article and because I love them. They threw it all back in my face.
One lives with her father on a narrowboat, and the other lives in a shared house.
We talk now and see each other occasionally but when we talk they complain bitterly about nit having qualifications and not having enough money as they haven't got jobs. It breaks my heart.
I had simple rules that couldn't be followed. I'm a single dad of three girls. My oldest just packed up and moved out. I tried so hard to be flexible but her whole attitude changed. She wasn't even nice to be around. I told her we could work through the picking up and the lack of communication in regards to curfew. Finally I had it and told her if the dishes from the Mac and cheese she made the night before weren't picked up by the time I got home from work she should pack her things. Well, not only was it not picked up but the milk was left out and the butter. Pan on coffee table. Sounds petty but I was serious and now her stuff is in her car.
I think she wanted this. I think as my oldest daughter and me being a single dad she felt she had to stay. She always was the "mom" of the house in regards to her siblings.
I'm somewhat relieved because I've been walking on eggshells lately but I'm also incredibly terrified. I told her she is always welcome here and her room won't change. We both cried when she left. I want to call her and tell her to come home but she is 19 and maybe it's for the best. Thoughts? Comments? Please.
Nuclabrt
I hear you.Following
through on enforcing the limits you have set is rarely easy, and the way you
are feeling right now is understandable.At this point, it might be helpful to take some time and allow things to
calm down between you and your daughter.When you are both calm, you can talk with your daughter about whether
she wants to come back to your home.If
she decides to return, it might helpful to talk about your expectations before
she moves back, and how things will be different this time.You might also consider https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ground-rules-for-living-with-an-adult-child-plus-free-living-agreement/ which outlines these expectations.I recognize how difficult this must be for
you, and I wish you and your family all the best.Take care.
@MW
You ask a great question. We have several articles that
discuss how to hold kids accountable with effective consequences. Two in
particular you may find helpful are https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/using-consequences-to-maintain-your-parental-authority/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/child-discipline-consequences-and-effective-parenting/. I hope you find the
information in these articles useful for your situation. We appreciate you
writing in. Take care.
"Ideally, if your child does not want to follow the rules, the consequences will make him/her uncomfortable enough to leave on their own."
Yes, but in terms of the entire situation, that's not ideal at all. The whole point of enforcing rules like "you have to get a job and pay rent or you have to go to school" is to put him/her in a position where he/she feels following that rule is the only option. In other words, the whole point of making the rule is to attempt to force your child into following it, because you feel your child isn't making the decision he/she should (like dropping out of school). I can understand that the intentions are good with that, but it should be used as a last resort. As a mother of three sons--ages 23, 22, and 17 now--I would never actually kick my any of my children out for dropping out of school. Unless they have a friend who they can stay with or enough money to find a place to live, you'll be leaving them homeless and often without safe transport. And if it's already gotten far enough that you are actually kicking them out and they are still not willing to cave, it could be too late to get them back in school.
First you have a full conversation with your child, so that you may understand why he wants to drop out. You have to listen; so many parents simply cut off their children and treat them as if they are inferior beings or something of the sort. Actually let your child talk, and listen like a proper person with respect. You cannot expect to be respected by your child simply because you work to provide food and shelter or whatever material things for them; you have to respect fully to get full respect in return. You take in what they are saying fairly, and then you tell them why you feel they are making the wrong choice. You try to convince them, not force them.
Then, after everything has been mulled over, if they still want to drop out, you start taking away privileges. No more laptop, no more video games, no more going out with friends, no more car, no more this or that--just as usual if your child is not yet 18. You can make them do homework, make them do chores, make them read about why education is important for success. But, if they have turned 18 and thus you can no longer control those personal things, you can still take away house privileges. They are no longer allowed to watch your TV, they are no longer allowed in your living room or backyard (esp. if you have a swimming pool), they are only allowed to eat certain foods they need from the kitchen (and must buy extras themselves), they must shower only 10 minutes to conserve water that you pay for, they are no longer allowed to use your Wi-Fi. Basically, they get the bare minimum. And, in my case, this did the trick for my eldest--he realized how much it all would cost to get his own place, how easy it would be to stay here and go to school for just another half year, and how much more money he could make if he went ahead to college and started using his math skills.
Kicking your child out, again, should be the very last resort. Please remember.
My daughter moved in with boyfriend day after she turned 18. They both moved in with us 2 months later when they figured out his mom was using them. Fast forward she is married to him 29 years old; 5 year old daughter; they moved out to his parents, on their own once; our house for 3 years, 1 year with adult sister sharing apartment...now on their own finally. It’s horrible. We never let them starve and granddaughter is taken care of for extra stuff but cut back.
Ground rules door is open and communication but you have to set ground rules BEFORE they turn 18...around 15.
@Kate
We hear from many parents in
similar situations so we understand your frustration. You can first start out
by setting up a mutual living agreement. For more information on how to
set that up check out these articles: http://www.empoweringparents.com/parenting-your-adult-child-how-to-set-up-a-mutual-living-agreement.php and http://www.empoweringparents.com/parenting-living-adult-children.php. A mutual
living agreement is an effective way to establish what your rules are and what
will happen if those rules are not followed. Making your expectations clear on
what you expect from your child to continue to live in your home and helping
your child develop a plan to meet those expectations is going to be important.
For example, your child must show you evidence that he/she is looking for a job
everyday or is exploring school options. You can tie a daily privilege to
meeting the expectation each day, like having access to the car when you have
seen 2 completed job applications for that day. Ideally, if your child does not
want to follow the rules, the consequences will make him/her uncomfortable enough
to leave on their own. If that does not happen and you are put in a
position where you have to ask your child to leave and they do not comply,
you will have to check with your local court on the laws in your area to
see what the process is to make them comply. See the article http://www.empoweringparents.com/Six-Steps-to-Help-Your-Adult-Child-Move-Out.php for more
information on that. We know this is a difficult situation to be in and we
appreciate you reaching out to us. Take care.
DiChar
Seventeen can be a tough age for many families, as teens are
pushing for more independence and freedom, and parents are unsure where to draw
the line as their child is on the cusp of adulthood. Because parents’
legal rights and responsibilities for a 17-year-old vary so much among
communities, it is difficult to specifically answer your question. It
might be useful instead to call your local law enforcement agency to determine
what your options are at this point. If she is going to continue living
in your home, you might consider drawing up a http://www.empoweringparents.com/parenting-living-adult-children.php with her which outlines the expectations and house rules while
she is in your home, and how she will be held accountable to following
them. I appreciate your writing in; please let us know if you have any
additional questions!
Looking for anwers
One of the hardest
things a parent can go through is watching a child continue to make dangerous
and troubling choices, and feel helpless to do anything to stop it.
Unfortunately, because your daughter is legally an adult, she is able to make
her own choices, even those that may be unsafe or illegal such as choosing to
live on the streets or use drugs. Thus, at this point, it’s going to be
more effective to determine how you will respond to your daughter’s choices
rather than trying to get her to make different decisions. One step I
would encourage you to take is to develop a plan for how you can respond when
your daughter sends you texts about killing herself, so that you can help her
to stay safe. A helpful resource to assist you might be contacting the http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). They also offer a live chat option
on their website if that’s more comfortable or convenient for you.
Another part of this process is going to be focusing on taking care of
yourself. While self-care is often overlooked, it is a crucial part of
being an effective parent, and setting and enforcing appropriate boundaries with
your daughter. Your self-care plan can be anything you wish, from
regularly engaging in an activity you enjoy to using more structured supports
such as a counselor or a support group such as Al-Anon. For assistance
locating available resources in your community, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222. I
recognize how difficult this must be for you, and I wish you and your daughter
all the best as you continue to move forward. Take care.
@Sky
We speak with many parents of young adults
who are in this same dilemma, so you are not alone in your experience. While
it is very difficult when your teen decides to move out of your home, he is
also legally an adult, so he can make the choice about where he wants to
live. At this point, it could be more useful to focus on yourself, and
your own emotional well-being surrounding this choice, rather than trying to
get your son to make a different choice. Self-care is an often overlooked
part of being an effective parent. Your self-care plan can be anything
you wish-from reaching out to a supportive friend or family member when you are
feeling down, to regularly engaging in an activity you enjoy, to using more
structured supports such as a counselor or support group. For assistance
locating this type of support in your community, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222. I
recognize how difficult this situation is for you, and I wish you and your
family all the best moving forward. Take care.
@Danielle
You bring up an interesting situation. It sounds like you are wondering about your legal rights
now that you are an adult. It could be useful to contact your local
police department on their non-emergency line, or contact a local attorney to
get more information on your rights and responsibilities as an adult. It’s also important
to keep in mind that living in your parent’s home after you turn 18 is now a privilege, not a
right, and one that your mom could decide she no longer wants to
provide. I hope this helps to answer your question. Take care.
Mariad58
I can hear what a tough situation you are in. It can be
upsetting when it seems as though you have done everything in your power to
help your children, and yet they are unwilling to help you in your time of
need. I am sorry you are having to face these issues. Many parents in
your situation would be unsure of where to turn for help, so, you’re not alone.
It may be beneficial to find out what types of local supports are available in
your area. Many communities have resources available to help people find transportation
or temporary housing. The 211 Helpline would be able to give you information on
these and other services. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling
1-800-273-6222 or by visiting them online at http://www.211.org/.
I hope this information is useful for your situation. Be sure to check back if
you have any further questions. Take care.
My 18 year old thinks he can do whatever he wants now that he's 18 and threatens to leave and get his own place if I don't let him have any freedom he wants, or other things I don't want to happen. Of course I want him to graduate andMore be successful and productive. How do I get him to respect me and my rules and keep him on the right path?>
Gaylebs
It can be so upsetting when your spouse doesn’t seem to back you
up when your child is acting abusively towards you. I speak with quite a few
parents who share similar concerns, so you’re not alone. In the situation
you describe, it’s probably going to be most effective to focus on what you
have control over, namely your responses to the choices other people are making.
If there is any sort of physical aggression towards you, you may find it
helpful to contact your local crisis response for help developing a safety
plan, or, a plan of action you can take if your son begins to behave violently
towards you. It may also be useful to pack away anything of yours that can’t be
replaced or has sentimental value for you. While you shouldn’t have to do this
within your own home, the truth of the matter is, if your son does end up
destroying something that means a lot to you, you may find it tough to hold him
accountable for that behavior without the support of your husband. A self-care
plan could also be quite useful. This can include anything you would like, from
spending time outside of the home doing an activity you enjoy, spending time
with friends, or perhaps engaging in more structured help, in the form of a support group or
individual counselor. You may find shifting the focus in this way to taking
care of yourself to be beneficial. After all, it can be difficult to be
effective when you are exhausted and ready to give up. For more information on
steps you can take to change how you respond, you may find this article by
Janet Lehman helpful: Disrespectful Kids and Teens: 5 Rules to Help You Handle Their Behavior. We appreciate
you writing in and wish you the best of luck moving forward. We hope you will
continue to check in and let us know how things are going.
I'm 18 and my parents have been fighting a lot about what I can and can't do. I'm in college (I graduated early), I don't do drugs, I don't party, I'm not out having sex, I don't really spend time with people really. The power struggle is between me andMore my dad, my mom understands, somewhat. My dad won't let me leave the house unless it's for school or if they need me to run to the store, that's it. If I want to hang out with friends my parents have to meet their parents and I have to be back by 9:00 pm, that's if they let me go. There are several factors that determine if I can go or not, if the person is a girl, they have the same religion as I've been raised with, and if they have the same values. Don't get me wrong, that can be nice at times, but other times I wish I could tell them who I'm hanging out with and I would like to hang out with guys too. I'm whats considered to be a "tomboy", so I connect with them better. I have my own laptop that I bought, but I can never have internet on it because the "family computer is downstairs go use that". But I can never use that because my younger siblings or mother is always on it (oldest of 5). I end up staying late at the college because they have free wifi to do homework. Then my dad gets mad when I come home late saying that I was out partying or hanging out with guys. I'm not allowed to watch tv because the tv is in his room and I'm not allowed to in there. I'm responsible for the younger siblings, I drive them to school everyday, do the grocery shopping, and any errands that my parents want me to do. When the younger siblings act up or do something my parents don't like they immediately come to me and blame me saying I need to set a better example, even if I never did it at their age. I love my parents, I really do, but I feel like they are over powering me and controlling too much. They call me stupid, irresponsible, and may me feel like I'm a terrible child. I just want a normal life where I can hang out with friends, watch tv, and be able to talk with my parents about issues without it blowing up into an argument or me getting in trouble for something I did. Is there anything I can do? If I try to move out, they threaten saying they won't pay for my tuition. Please help, I don't know what to do.
Wresgirl97 I had a terrible home life without all the responsibility. I left as soon as I could. I just dealt with the situation until I finished school and got a job. It's a hard life trying to deal with parents, especially when you're the oldest. It is also hardMore seeing them let the youngest get away with everything. It takes a big person to deal with everything you have to deal with. This hard time will make you stronger in the future. Forgiveness will help you now and especially in the future. Life is unfair and you are having to deal with a lot of unfairness right now.
Wresgirl97
It’s not uncommon for parents and young adults to disagree about
things such as spending time hanging out with friends or doing other activities
outside of the house. So, you’re not alone in dealing with that conflict. I’m
sure these limits placed on your time are quite frustrating because as an
adult, youMore do have the right to decide where and with whom to spend your time.
However, your parents also have the right to decide how much, if any, support
they will continue to give you now that you are an adult. Ultimately, it’s up
to you and your parents to determine what the rules and expectations will be
for you to continue living at home as an adult. There is a website you may find
helpful when deciding how best to approach your parents about the challenges
you are facing with your current living arrangement. http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/SitePages/Home.as... is a website aimed at helping teens and young adults
address difficulties they are facing in their lives. They offer online, as well
as e-mail/text/call in support. There is also a Tips section which gives
suggestions for dealing with common issues young adults face, such as http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/sitepages/tips/ti.... I appreciate you writing in
and wish you the best of luck moving forward. Take care.
I can definitely relate with a lot of the posts here.
I have been a guardian to my younger sister for the past months and its been a circus. She was 16 when she moved in and just turned 17 less then a week ago. I don't know whats happened sinceMore she first moved in since now but she's changed and even my partner noticed. My partner think my younger sister is likely using hard drugs like opiates because my younger sister just seems so distant and dark....
sigh....i know i haven't been her parent like the rest of you for as long but that doesn't make it any easier. I guess in her eyes she think and expects that because I'm only her "sister" that I should just be cool and let her do as she pleases when she pleases. However I've given her the benefit of the doubt and allowed her to show me how "mature and responsible" she is. but she hasn't. she's just shown me how stubborn and unmotivated even to the point i think she's just lazy. I've had to argue with her to go to school and make sure she studies and completes all her homework. however she's either out with her friends smoking weed and drinking or at home playing video games. Ive asked her to get a job, i had to argue with her to start making a resume, i had to nag her to hand out resumes, i got to the point where i was like....heyyyy its been 3,4-5 months now and Ive been waiting for you dot get a job. ....nopppeeee......ive said hey....i can come with you to hand out resumes if your feeling socially anxious....buuut she's like..."nahhh. i don't need that"....my god....its just argument after argument......and then there are the name calling..."your so controlling" or "your so annoying, your a jerk" or "your f$%$#@ crazy!!".....i have no idea what it is but kids of today are so entitled and disrespectful that they believe they can treat anyone with disrespect and thats ok.......however I'm not ok with it...and i don't think any parent should be ok with it....these kids have bad attitudes which won't help in the real world...and unfortunately some have to learn the hard way.....and thats whats going to happen with my sister...I don't need to put up with her b.s ...I have a life, a partner (our relationship has been strained because of the 16yrold), I'm a full time college student...geez kids today are......so ungrateful they don't realize what they have going for them.....silly
I'm 17 years old, and completed year 11 this year, pretty good grades only Bs and Cs. Since i did a maths specialist course, I have easy time solving the problems I come across in game development. During these school holidays, I've begun my career as an Indie games developer.More I was working on a game for about 3 weeks when my dad decided to take my computer charger because I haven't made money yet, now he wants me to get a job to get it back. I've applied for about 6 jobs but I'm so annoyed hes not letting me develop the game which I intend on making money with. He constantly tells me not to use power or eat food because "I don't work" he says that "sitting on the computer is not work" - he wants me to do physical work, any work on the computer without immediate profit and he thinks its worthless, he doesn't even want to see my game! Next week I want to leave this house and find another place to stay (no relatives anywhere near where I live), not exactly sure where to go :(
My son will be 18 next week and like all of the posts here he does not follow the house rules. If he continues when he is 18 I will lock him out - and he knows it. Following through with tough love will be gut wrenching, but not as hard as watching him continually be definant and nasty to me.
He's always been an angry kid and though extremely bright, not a good student. He's been in and out of therapy since he was in 1st grade. As a teenager he was just playing lip service to seeing a therapist then quit out right. When his drug use amp up to popping pills and acid like candy we put him into a wilderness program for 10 weeks. He did very well and had learned coping skills and was relaxed and at ease. Well, that didnt last long and though the drug tests are negative for the hard drugs he's smoking weed again and drinking unitl he vomits. He is in constant denial and has no use for any of his old mentors. He has a year and a half left of high school and is already on track to fail. He does come home when he and his girlfriend need a place to hang. His girlfriend is 18 and in the same highschool, is in a heavy metal band with older people whom they both admire. I cant compete with 25+ band members who are becoming mentors to him.
I have tried everything that I can possibly do as a mother but I will not be an enabler. In less then 2 weeks he'll be 18. At that point he will have to obey by the house rules (9:30 pm curfew on a school night - midnight on a weekend, stay drug and alcohol free,pass school and be polite) or he will have to find somewhere else to sleep.
I have a 17 year old that does not like to follow our rules. she comes in the house when she feel like it. her curfew on school nights are 930 she comes in between 1030 and 11. on Friday and Saturday nights her curfew is1130. that is a jokeMore she says so she comes in 1230 or she will make it in the next afternoon. My daughter has put this family through HELL the last 2 years. I have had to file over 25 runaway reports on her since Aug 2013. She has been sent to the juvenile detention center for 14 days for scratching and hitting me. you think that would have scared her straight. it did not!!! She will be 18 In 7 months and all she keeps saying is moving out when the clock strikes midnight for her birthday. And you know something I can't wait either. My home has no peace. I just keep praying that God gets me through until the next 7 months
My daughter just graduated high school and will be 18 in a month. She no longer wants to stay with her dad (for school) and wants to come back home with me. He is refusing to let her leave now. He says what he says goes and if she don't like it, too bad.
What actions can she take as well as myself?
As a 17 year old myself, I can find truth in a lot of what you say. There are however a few responses which I felt were somewhat demeaning-
If they don’t want to go to school, they’ll say “I’m almost 18, you can’t make me.” Or, “As soon as I turn 18, I’m going to quit and you can’t stop me.”
In my opinion, this is highly generalised and although I can acknowledge there are a number of parents who have been unfortunate to experience this, it was offensive to find.
I wish everyone the best with any issues they are having concerning their troubled teens, and to not take the dictator approach!
Negotiate!
It's spring break week, and Tuesday I spent the entire day with my children taking them shopping, running errands for my 18 year old (10 days after her 18th birthday), and taking them to lunch... My 18 year old wanted to go to the pet store to look at fish stuff, so all 7 of us went. She was walking around with her daddy, looking at fish stuff and realized she didn't have the money for all the stuff she needed (got paid $51 on this day and only had about $99 to her name), plus fish... I was walking around with 2 of my other children looking at everything, including the humane society cats that were there and she came to where I was and started talking about this cat and how she wanted it... I told her to ask her daddy because I didn't think he was gonna let her have a cat... She was very adamantly telling her dad and very loudly, I might add, that she was 18, could do what she wanted and that we couldn't tell her what to do... She said she was gonna get the cat and pack up her stuff and go move in with her aunt. I thought she was kidding like she always does (these threats of moving out are constant, before and after she turned 18)... I made the comment that she could pack her stuff and I would help her... I was laughing when I said it... Two of my other children and I went through checkout and went straight to the car without another word to her because I wasn't going to be embarrassed by my 18 year old in the pet store because of a cat, which is the fit she was throwing with her daddy not me! She had apparently started to text some friends to come to the pet store and I didn't know it. I'm in the car for 10-15 minutes with two of my children. I told her dad when he and two more of my children came to the car that I was ready to go... I wanted to get stuff for supper and go home. I was tired and wanted to eat and go to bed. I hadn't slept since early Monday morning. By that time her friends came to the car with her and she climbed in the back out of the rain and introduced her new friend to me and her friends said, to my 18 year old, "do you wanna go watch movies, hang out and eat pizza?" She said, "I guess I'm just gonna go with them..." (talking about us), and I looked at her and she said, "can I go with them?" I said, "you are 18 and can do what you want no matter what we say, so it doesn't matter to me... I don't care." I wasn't rude to her, just extremely tired at this point... She got out of the car and left with her friends, without another word... We went to the grocery store on our way home (about 30 minutes from when we left her), in that time she had her friends bring her to my house where she came in through my little girls bedroom window, she broke a mirror and pulled the speaker out of their stereo,in th process of coming through the window... She came in, packed her stuff and left before we got home. When I figured out what had happened, because she left the front door locked but not closed completely so it was open. By this point my husband gets a text from his sister saying, "just thought you should know your oldest daughter is at my house". He told me that his sister text him and I text my 18 year old and told her, "its time for you to come home." She never responded. So, I called her. I told her that she was a chicken in how she handled the situation. She talks big about being an "adult" but that she acted like a child sneaking out and running away from home the way she left. I told her to bring me her phone that I wasn't furnishing her a phone on an account with our names on it if she didn't live here. She knew the rules about moving out and honestly she was just looking for any little excuse to blame any of us for her moving out and moving in with her aunt. She's had it planned and it was supposed to be a big secret from me and my husband. She and her aunt have been planning her moving out for over a year... She told my oldest son on the night of the military ball (late February or early March) that on the Sunday, after her 18th birthday she was gonna come home and pack all her stuff and move out. So anyway, she called her dad about an hour later, after I called her, on Tuesday night and told him I was rude to her in front of her friends in the pet store and that she was embarrassed. I didn't say a word to her in front of her friends in that store... I wasn't in there with her and her friends... I was already in the car. She has everyone believing that she is the victim and that I am nothing but a mean, horrible person. She has pulled this with me before... Not to the extent of moving out but just acting out impulsively... And it's always my fault... Then Thursday is my husband's grandmother's funeral... She walked up to me and stood there looking at me when I was sitting in the church... And I said to her, "I don't have anything to say to you here... It's not about you today." She looked at me and said, "I can't come say hi to you?" I said, "I'm not doing this with you, it's not the time or place... It's not about you today!" So, she with all her attitude, rolling her eyes and stuff, turned around and walked off. I wasn't in any kind of mood to deal with any of it. She went and told everyone that she tried to hug me and I told her to go away... In between all of this stuff, she has called my oldest son and asked him to check and see if she left anything on the headboard of her bed and asked if I was mean to him... He said, "no why would she be?" Then she said, "don't tell mom and dad I called." She has text him and told him to delete the text messages. She and my middle daughter were messaging on Facebook and she asked if I knew that my middle daughter was talking to her and my middle daughter said, "yeah why.. Why does it matter?" My 18 year old quit talking to her. I sent her a message on Facebook on Thursday night that said, "why do you think I don't want anyone talking to you? And why can't you be adult enough to come talk to me and your dad?" Then Friday morning, I sent another message that said, "you need to come to our house and sit down with me and your dad and have a conversation. This doesn't need to tear our family apart." She never responded to either.
The part that hurts me is that I've always bent over backwards for her. I'm the one who is ALWAYS there... I'm the one she calls when she needs or wants something... I have done so much for her to keep her happy, so she would stay... She had a big party for her 18th birthday (over $350 in gifts, food, etc... & 43 people in my house.) I had all her Sr. prom planned... all I had to do was get the kids to decide on the limo and stuff so I could get it reserved... Had the hair, dress, shoes, flowers, jewelry all planned... And I was gonna pay for it... I don't know what more I could have done to make her happy and make her stay... All of this 33 days before graduation from high school... Any advice?
Dear April:
Remember that in James Lehman’s Total Transformation Program, consequences are only one part of a larger system that changes behavior. A much more important part of that system is helping your child to learn how to problem solve.
It’s important to have structure in the day and set limits with kids. This teaches kids that there are rewards and consequences in life for the choices they make. In addition, in order for consequences to work, you have to offer rewards or else your consequences just become punitive. Try to think of an incentive for your daughter to encourage her to work toward finishing school or to seek employment. This can be a daily incentive earned for spending time working toward her goals.
Don’t forget the Support Line is available to assist you in applying the techniques from James Lehman’s Total Transformation Program.
Just a couple of comments regarding drug testing and older teenagers who refuse to act responsibly at home.
When my son was in high school, he was experimenting with drugs - to what extent we don't know. He maintained good grades and was on the varsity tennis team. However, we told him that he would be drug tested and he'd never know when his dad would demand it. If he tested positive for drugs, certain privileges were taken away but if the tests were negative, we told him we'd buy him a video game. He liked that idea and then asked if he could request drug testing and so we said sure.
He was living with his dad, step mom, brother and 3 step brothers so they were all subject to the testing. I don't know if he ever requested a drug test (he's 28 now) but the positive aspect helped him accept the threat of negative consequences. Even though I wasn't living with him, he knew that his dad and I were united on him acting responsibly.
I hear lots of parents call Dr. Laura about their 18 year old + teenagers who think they can take advantage of their parents. A parent's job is to make sure their kids learn responsibility - even if that means kicking them out of the house. If they think they are adult enough to live by their own rules, then they must accept the responsibility of providing for themselves. It's part of natural consequences.
Google Discipline Without Stress and read about the 4 levels of responsibility. As an educator, I have used the system with all ages and it helps. One of the biggest plusses is that it causes the child/teenager/adult to quickly analyze their behavior. Just by recognizing which of the 4 levels a behavior is leads to improved responsibility.
I am responding to Mom of 5.
Do not allow any disrespectful behavior that will lead to compromising your values of your home. Write down the rules and especially to the 18 year old, direct them to her. She should not be allowed in your home or family get togethers with her behavior. If she doesn't want to comply to your rules of a good family, she doesn't belong with you. Pack her things in plastic bags and tell her until she wants to accept these loving rules of the family, she can't be around. It worked for us after a year battle over the same thing. Our daughter left, and returned with a new appreciation of our love and rules. It was hard with her in the house and difficult to be without her. Those years were like a rollercoaster, but not no more. We all agree we will NEVER go back to the old ways of disrespect.
Boy, do I have a comment. Here is a classic 18 year old story. My son is not even 18, his birthday is in 2 weeks, and he has already informed his Dad and I that he was going to leave the wilderness high school he is successfully attending, for smoking pot, and moving to Costa Rica to surf the rest of his life away. He told us there is no way he is going to go back next year to finish his senior year.
My husband and I were so worried about our son and almost brought him home for next year, while the program he is attending insists that he is not ready to come home yet. What a hard decision, but the program directors insisted that it was manipulation. My husband and I decided to listen to the directors and not buy into his manipulation, to send him back next year to finish what he has started! Fast forward to this past weekend, My husband and I went out to Montana to spend Easter with our son, and shared with him our plans. After a couple of hours of him digesting the fact that he has no other alternative. He has come to accept this. He even shared with us that he had no intention of ever running away. I told him that it shows how much he has matured in just sharing that with his Dad and I. That I was very proud of him making a responsible decision. We are no longer enabling unacceptable behavior, and it is paying off big time. This is for every parent out there. The only thing you owe your kids is love and love alone!!!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes love is saying "NO".
Regarding: judy Says: April 8th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
what do parents say to a 16year old who says it is unconstitutional to drug test a kid at home?
Actually, what you can do varies by jurisdiction. Generally, it's a matter of statute and case law, not a matter of the constitution. In Pennsylvania, once a child reaches age 16, they can refuse any and all drug testing. Period.
For example, there was a 16 yo heroin addict who refused drug testing and drug counseling, just because she could. The only way around the situation was to have her become involved in the criminal justice system. In other words, she had to commit an offense under the law, get caught and convicted, and have judge order drug testing and participation in counseling.
We no longer live in Pennsylvania.
Find out what the laws are in your jurisdiction so that your family rules don't blow up in your face. Once you know the laws, you know where you stand under the law when you stand up for keeping your child safe.
Dear Phil and Sue: We have a series of articles on EP by James Lehman that I'd like to recommend: it's called, "Rules, Boundaries and Older Children". The three articles in the series address many of the issues you both bring up in your comments. Here's the link:
http://www.empoweringparents.com/category-Older-Children.php
Start with the first article, which is at the bottom of the page. Good luck to you both!
What about an 18-year-old (projecting ahead two years for the 16-year-old) who refuses to obey and refuses to leave. How do you have that one evicted -- which it looks like we'll have to do in two years.
And what if the sub-18-year old continues to steal (have to sleep with credit card)?
Dear Judy:
You might say that you are willing to do anything to keep him safe, that drug use is very dangerous and you are very serious about this. James Lehman says that when you participate in risky behavior, you have lost your right to privacy. There a great web site with more information for parents at www.theantidrug.com
Stay strong and keep in touch.
what do parents say to a 16year old who says it is unconstitutional to drug test a kid at home?
He had a positive test once, we tested another time and it was negative but we want to keep it that way ?